I am hinting towards an Emily relationship in this chapter, but we'll get to that later. I was originally going to give Emily a boyfriend, but I've gotten a request for a girlfriend for Emily so I'll do that instead. But the main relationship in this story is Emily/JJ so any other secondary relationships are just going to be mentioned in flashbacks.
Again, thanks everyone for your feedback and don't worry, we are working towards London and episode 200. However, I will hint that I have been known to foreshadow...
"Fuck it" Emily merely said as she poured herself a drink and downed it, pouring herself another one before she heard a knocking at the door, briefly startling her. It's funny, no cruel, how the mind works. Emily knew Doyle was dead, she had seen him die before her own eyes, but in those brief moments or in her dreams he was very much alive. He was immortal, and she wasn't. Emily shook the thoughts from her head, opening her hotel door to find JJ in the hallway.
"JJ?"
"I just want to talk about us" JJ began, regretting her wording as she saw a certain brightness in Emily's eyes. "About how we're going to get past all of this."
"All of this?" Emily asked with an eyebrow raised as she shook her head and darted her eyes away from the blonde, a sign that she was beginning to emotionally shut down. 'All of this.' The wording made Emily feel like JJ thought it was a chore to talk about them. However, there wasn't really a them anymore was there? Were they ever a 'them.' Hotch and Haley were a 'them,' Kevin and Garcia were a 'them,' JJ and Will were a 'them,' but Emily and JJ, what were they? A 'this?' What the fuck did that mean? What was a 'this?' A mistake?
Meanwhile, JJ felt just plain awkward standing in the hallway talking like that, but perhaps it was a better alternative than going inside Emily's room and being thrown out if Emily didn't like what she had to say. Maybe a door slammed in her face was preferable to the alternative. "How we're going to get past Bethesda and Paris. I thought we had dealt with this already but I guess not."
Emily rolled her eyes as the statement, "Why do you say that?"
"You've been ignoring me."
"I've been busy" Emily shot back with a shrug. "I have a lot of things to sort out…"
"Yeah, but you haven't come to me with them. Not like we used to…"
"Well things can't be like they used to. Didn't you say that?" Emily asked, not expecting the other woman to give her an answer.
"I want to be there for you" JJ informed Emily in a pleading voice. "You're going through all this stuff and I should be helping you with it. I want to be there for you like you deserve, but instead you're sorting those things out with Morgan and Garcia and…" JJ trailed off, stopping herself before she said it.
"And?" Emily asked knowingly as she shook her head. "I haven't seen her yet."
"Yet?"
"I'm going to have to talk to her eventually."
"You are?" JJ inquired in a bitter voice as Emily leaned against the door frame, her arms crossed over her chest.
"Well maybe I should apologize to her."
JJ scoffed at the idea, "Why? You don't owe her anything."
"Jennifer stop" Emily scolded as she lifted her hand to interrupt the other woman. "This has nothing to do with you so if you're going to be a bitch about her you can just let keep it to yourself. I don't want to hear it. I don't talk shit about Will…"
JJ laughed at the defense, "Yes you do...all the time."
The raven haired woman smirked at the correct statement, "Yeah I kind of do."
JJ shook her head, trying to hide a small smile, unable to help the chuckle, caused by Emily's candor, from escaping. After briefly glancing down to the floor JJ refocused on the other woman as her demeanor became more serious, "Seriously, can we talk about how you're doing? I've been worried about you. You never answer my calls."
"To be fair Jayje, you never called."
"I did."
"Yeah you did" Emily nodded as she opened the door wider, signally for the blonde to come in. "You called…twice. So do you want anything?"
"Coffee?" JJ questioned as she sat down on the sofa, watching as Emily picked up a room service menu. "What are you doing?"
"Ordering you a coffee."
"Someone's getting a little too used to the hotel life. I'll just take whatever you have" JJ suggested in a kind voice while Emily pinned a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she absentmindedly flipped through the menu.
"I don't have any coffee…"
"WHAT?!" JJ loudly interjected in a state of shock. This was possibly the most absurd thing she had ever heard. What kind of Neanderthal didn't keep coffee in their home, or temporary home?
Emily looked up to the blonde with a genuine smile, "Wow Jayje, maybe a teeny overreaction there. I don't have any coffee, I didn't sell all your organs on the black market."
JJ chuckled at the statement, "It's just, you always had coffee before. What gives?"
"I don't drink it anymore" Emily shrugged, opting not to get into the whole 'the acid in it irritates my formerly iron-clad stomach probably because all the fucking stress made me permanently damaged' spiel.
JJ knew there was probably more there, but decided not to ask. Did friends ask about those sort of things or was that a couplely question? She couldn't be sending mixed signals, which is what she had been doing for the past five years. It wasn't fair. She had stayed with Will, she was staying with the father of her child. Emily was just a friend, nothing more. JJ felt like she couldn't lead her on anymore. "What do you have then?"
"Chai tea and whiskey" Emily chuckled as JJ smiled at her.
"I guess I'll have tea."
Emily nodded as she walked over to the small kitchenette area and took out the box of tea and a coffee mug, "Cream and sugar?"
"Cream and sugar in tea now? Well Prentiss Paris had sure made you delicate" JJ teased.
"I guess it has" Emily replied in a disinterested tone as JJ sighed and looked around the hotel room. It was nice, really nice, but it wasn't a home. Then again, maybe that was her fault, because Emily was expecting a home when she retuned to D.C.
"How have you been?" JJ yelled to the kitchen, wondering why she had chosen such a loaded question.
"Fine" Emily merely replied as she returned with the cup of tea, sitting down on the sofa next to her co-worker. It wasn't a lie, okay it was most definitely a lie, but what was she supposed to say? I was doing a little better but then I saw you were still with Will and it reminded me that my life is complete shit. But, you know, other than that I'm perfectly fine, save for the nightmares, insomnia, and stomach ulcer.
"I'm sure you are" JJ remarked, rolling her eyes at Emily's nonchalant answer as she sipped her tea, wishing it was coffee. But this had become her life, settling for something and wishing it was something else. JJ internally scolded herself for the thought. Will was a great guy, a guy that hundreds of women would probably want and she was just so ambivalent to him. He was her oatmeal. Yeah he was probably good for her but it wasn't like she looked forward to it. He was just kind of there. Admittedly, yes, maybe she had ruined Emily's life, but to be fair, Emily had kind of ruined hers too.
"Are you still having nightmares?"
"Nope" Emily lied as JJ scoffed at the answer. "Sometimes…"
JJ moved to hold Emily's hand, but stopped herself at the last minute, settling on merely patting the other's woman knee. "I meant what I said at the hospital Em, you can talk to me. We can still be friends."
Emily laughed at the offer, "Like that worked so well before."
"Well" JJ began before taking a sip of tea, trying to think of something to say, "You've been through a lot and I want to be here for you."
"Once again, like that worked so well before" Emily snapped as she rolled her eyes, feeling guilty at her reaction when she saw the dejected look in JJ's eyes. "JJ, I just don't know if we are the kind of people who can ever just be friends."
"But we have to try. You said we could try" The blonde almost pleaded as Emily took a deep breath and shook her head.
"I don't know what you expect me to tell you."
JJ tilted her head in confusion, "How about the truth?"
"I just don't see the point of all this. I just don't see what talking to you is going to accomplish. It's just going to confuse things" Emily quietly stated, picking at her fingernails before deciding to further elaborate. "I know you Jayje, you're going to get too involved, we're going to cross the line and then you're going to do what you always do."
"Which is?" JJ asked in an offended tone with an eyebrow raised as her body became more rigid. "What do I always do Emily? Enlighten me?"
Emily scoffed at the question, "You never take responsibly for anything. You get too close, you lead me on, you provoke situations…"
"I provoke situations?" The blonde incredulously asked as she began to raise her voice.
"How about what happened after Houston?" Emily questioned sternly with a knowing look as JJ slightly recoiled. "Yeah that is exactly what you do. Don't even try to deny it because I'm not fucking Will…"
"Oh and what the hell is that supposed to mean Emily?"
"It means that I can see you for who you are" Emily firmly stated as she furrowed her brow. "I know you Jennifer. I can read you. I know everything about you. You get too close, you cross the line, and then you freak the fuck out and try this whole 'let's just try to be friends' bullshit to cover up for what you did. That's what you do, and then I'm just stuck watching you scurrying around like a fucking spaz trying to pretend that nothing happened, which is absolutely pathetic by the way. And that is what you do. And I'm no better…"
"No you're not."
"No maybe I'm not."
"This time has to be different Em. It has to be because I can't lose you, but I also can't keeping doing this with you. I thought…those stupid online scrabble games were the highlight of my days for months" JJ admitted as her vision began to be clouded with tears, unsure of why she was reacting so emotionally to the simple sediment. Maybe because it was true, and she couldn't imagine Emily not in her life. She needed the other woman and it was wrong and cruel. It was unfair to do that to her, but her life needed Emily in it to make sense. "I just, I need you in my life, and I know it's so selfish Em. I know I'm a horrible person for asking this of you, because you deserve to just walk away. You deserve to walk away from me, but I can't not have you in my life. But I can't… I owe it to him to stay Emily. After everything I've done to him I owe it to him and I don't know what to do. I never know what to do..."
"It's okay" Emily soothed as she wrapped her arms around JJ, the woman burying her head in the crook of Emily's neck as she finally allowed the tears to fall. "It's okay."
"Nothing is ever okay."
"Well not you just sound like a teenage girl" Emily teased as JJ let out a chuckle. "We can be friends" The brunette offered as she pressed a kiss to the top of JJ's head.
"You're my best friend" JJ softly stated with a sniffle.
"I know" Emily nodded as she took a deep breath, trying to think of the right words to reply with, for some reason everything coming off as too blasé for the situation at hand. "You're mine too and I don't want to lose you either. I'm just trying to adjust to being here, but I'm not taking back what I said at the hospital. Maybe we can be friends this time, we're both on the same page."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"We just can't fuck everything up… literally" she added as JJ started laughing.
"God, how come no one else can make me laugh like you do? How do you make everything seem so easy?"
Emily took a deep breath and smiled, "I guess it helps that you make everything so complicated."
"Shut up" JJ playfully scolded as she moved back and wiped the tears from her eyes, laughing as she stared into Emily's deep brown eyes, hating herself for what she was doing to the woman, and to Will. Disgusted with herself for all the lives she was ruining, hers, Emily's, and Will's. He was so oblivious, so loving, so trusting, so kind in encouraging her to help Emily, and all she wanted was to say 'I love you' and have sex with her. All she wanted was to cheat on him. How fucked up was that? How fucked up was she? But she couldn't do that, to either of them. "I should go" JJ quietly remarked as she got off the sofa and ran her hands through her hair.
"You're probably right" Emily nodded as she followed JJ to the door. "Umm JJ, is there a part of you that still, you know…" the raven haired woman drifted off awkwardly as JJ briefly closed her eyes, gripping the knob on the door.
A pained look crept across JJ's face as she answered the woman, opting to be honest. "I think part of me always will."
Emily bit her bottom lip at the answer, her eyes trained on the back of JJ's head, not needing to see the blonde's face to know the exact expression playing on her features. "Is that a good thing?"
"Whether it's good or bad is irrelevant because it's there" JJ answered as pocked her hands in her jeans. "Do you think we should, just once more, to say goodbye to that part of us?"
"Do what?"
"Just a goodbye kiss" JJ clarified as she briefly closed her eyes, worried that Emily would laugh at the idea.
Emily knew it was a bad idea, but then again, maybe it wasn't. Maybe it would help them end things. One final goodbye to make sure they both knew whatever they had was done, whatever they shared was gone. "Maybe we should..."
"Okay, and that'll be it."
"For closure."
"We're done with this part of us" JJ agreed, pinning a strand of hair behind the other woman's ear before she gingerly ran her fingers up and down Emily's forearm, small goosebumps rising on the skin after each touch.
"Just one more time." Emily firmly stated with a nod before scanning the quiet hallway, not noticing as JJ pinned to her to the doorframe as she pressed her lips against Emily's, her hands resting on brunette's neck as Emily pulled her closer, her fingers digging into the small of JJ's back. JJ slightly moaned at the sensation of their bodies pressed together, slipping her tongue into Emily's mouth, their tongues massaging each other as the kiss became even more passionate, needy, and intense, both women trying to convey everything they couldn't, or shouldn't say. The two finally separated after their lungs began to burn, the need for air becoming too strong to ignore.
"So that's it" JJ breathlessly said as she took a deep breath to still her nerves, biting her bottom lip that somehow tasted like Emily, and whiskey.
Emily nodded as she brushed the pad of her thumb over JJ's left cheek, "It's over."
"Yeah."
"Yeah" Emily repeated as JJ walked away, heading back home to Will and Henry. After all those years and all those secrets, self-deception still came so naturally to the two women. But then again, the easiest person someone can lie to is him or herself.
It's funny how the mind works.
Just as a heads up, I probably won't be able to update tomorrow because it is my boyfriend Jimmy-Jam's quarter century birthday. He'll totally love the Orange is the New Black cookbook I got him right?
Additionally, there is a touch of comedy coming up in the next chapter to offset the dark tone of the story. I'm also debating on whether or not to do another mature scene. Thoughts and opinions?