Notes: For those who don't get it, go watch Monty Python's Flying Circus
Disclaimer: I have never owned Teen Titans or Monty Python
That's Not Normal
Ch. 6: Something Completely Different
Robin was wearing a suit and sitting at a desk in the middle of a field while talking on the phone. Beast Boy came running out of the woods into the field. He was wearing a ragged, ripped suit. He finally stopped at the desk and Robin hung up the phone.
Rob: And now for something completely different…
BB: It's…
Teen Titans
Beast Boy was watching television, as usual. Raven walked in and sighed.
"Beast Boy, don't you ever do anything worthwhile?"
"I think Monty Python is very worthwhile, Rae."
"Why don't you try reading a book?"
She handed him the book she was holding.
"The Crucible? That movie was boring."
"It's not the same thing," she paused for a moment, "Well, in this case it was."
"Aren't you reading this?"
"I've already read it. Now go to your room and read it, now!"
BB rushed out of the living room as fast as possible. When he reached his room, he sat down and started reading. This, of course, made him drowsy. As he started nodding off, Robin suddenly burst into his room.
"Beast Boy, come on, emergency!"
BB sprang from his bed to see the others there as well.
"What's wrong?" BB asked.
"We're needed as soon as possible," Rob replied.
"Okay, but for what?"
"To put on a play of The Crucible."
"Are you sure that constitutes an emergency?"
"Only we can perform this to ultimate perfection, Beast Boy."
BB looked at the others, but they merely shrugged.
"Titans, go!"
A little later
The Titans arrived at the theater.
"I've called every Titan possible for this mission," Robin explained.
"Let us get started please," Starfire said.
The curtain dropped. Then it rose to show the first scene. Hot Spot was lying on a bed with Argent looking over him. Killowatt entered dressed as a doctor.
"Doctor," Argent started to say.
"Yes," Killowatt replied, "Me doctor, him patient, you nurse."
"Will he be alright?" Argent asked.
"How do you feel?" Killowatt asked Hot Spot.
"I feel alright except…"
Hot Spot rose from the bed to show that he was wearing a handkerchief on his head and a false moustache.
"My brain hurts!" he shouted, "I also have the urge to hit two bricks together!"
BB poked his head in as a twelve foot hedgehog.
BB: Dinsdale?!
"Not now," Argent replied.
BB exited stage left.
"They're all witches!" Kole accused as she burst into the scene.
"What's the idea?" Killowatt asked.
"But it's my only line," sobbed Kole.
Robin, dressed as a reverend, dragged in Bumblebee.
"What was in that pot of yours? Don't try to lie. I saw all you girls dancing in the woods," Robin demanded.
Bee: Well, there was egg and bacon, egg, sausage and bacon, egg and spam, egg, bacon and spam, egg, bacon, sausage and spam, Spam, bacon, sausage and spam, Spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam, Spam, spam, spam, egg and spam, Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam, and lobster thermidore aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
"Did you have anything without Spam in it?" Argent asked
Bee: Well, spam, egg, sausage and spam hasn't got that much Spam in it.
A: I don't want any spam.
"What's wrong with egg, bacon, spam and sausage?" asked Killowatt.
A: That's got Spam in it.
KW: Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.
A: I'm British and I don't like Spam!
Suddenly, every other male Titan burst into the scene dressed as Vikings.
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spammity spam, wonderful spam!
A: SHUT UP!!
HS(Gumby): The next scene is over there! OVER THERE!
The scene changed to reveal Red Star dressed as a judge. In walked two more judges played by Thunder and Lightning.
T: G'day, Bruce.
RS: Hello, Bruce.
L: How are you, Bruce?
RS: Bit crook, Bruce.
T: Where's Bruce?
RS: He's not here, Bruce.
L: It's awful hot in here, Bruce.
RS: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum, Bruce.
T: That's a strange expression, Bruce.
RS: Well, before we left England, I heard the prime minister use it. 'It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum, Your Majesty' he said and she smiled quietly to herself.
L: She's a fine sheila, Bruce, and not at all stuck up.
T: Here comes the boss fella now.
In came Cyborg, also dressed as a judge, with Robin beside him.
Cy: Boys, this here's our new recruit, the reverend, to help with the witch hunt.
T: Padre, are you a poofter?
Rob: No!
Cy: In that case, I'll read the official rules. 1(No poofters, 2(No one is to maltreat the natives in any way whatsoever – if there's anyone watching, 3(No poofters, 4(I don't want to catch any of you not drinking after lights out, 5(No poofters, 6(There is no rule six, 7(No poofters.
T, L, and RS: Well spoken, Bruce!
RS: Let's get some sheilas.
In came Bumblebee, with a tray of meat.
T: Ah, elevensies.
L: This oughta tide us over 'til lunchtime.
RS: Sidney Nolan, the scene's changing!
Now it showed Beast Boy and Raven in their house. Robin walked inside.
"Hello."
"Hello, Reverend," replied Raven.
"I came to ask you a few questions. We've been getting a lot of claims about witchcraft and I thought I'd ask you if you know the Ten Commandments."
BB counted off, "Don't covet, don't steal, no bearing false witness, remember the Sabbath day, no other gods, no graven images, honor thy father and mother, and…"
"Adultery," Raven said.
"Yeah, what she said."
"Very good," Robin said as he looked around.
He spotted something on the mantle.
"What's this doll doing here?" he questioned.
"I don't know," BB shot back, "It's not ours. What's have to do with anything? You said you were just going to ask a few questions. I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition."
A dramatic chord struck and three red robed men burst through the door. They were Kid Flash, Herald, and Bushido.
KF: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear, fear and surprise. Our two weapons are fear and surprise, and ruthless efficiency. Our three weapons are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope. Wait, our four…I'll come in again.
They rushed out the door.
BB: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(Dramatic chord)
KF: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope, and nice red uniforms, oh, dang it!
KF turned to Bushido.
KF: You'll have to say it.
B: What?
KF: You'll have to say the bit about 'our chief weapons are.'
B: I couldn't do that.
Regardless, KF ushered them out the door. BB looked annoyed now.
BB: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(Dramatic chord)
B: Nobody, uh –
KF: Expects
B: - expects the, uh, the Spanish, um –
KF: Inquisition
B: I know, I know. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact those that do –
KF: Our chief weapons are
B: Our chief weapons are, um –
KF: Surprise
B: Surprise, and –
KF: STOP!
Kid Flash moved forward.
KF: Our chief weapon is surprise, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
He called for Herald.
KF: Cardinal, read the charges.
H: You are hereby charged that you did commit heresy against the holy church. My –
KF: That's enough. How do you plead?
Rae: We're innocent.
(Diabolical laughter)
KF: We'll soon change your mind about that!
KF turned to Bushido.
KF: Cardinal, get the rack.
Bushido pulled out a dish rack. Kid Flash saw this and groaned.
KF: Let's just take her to court.
BB: No! Take me instead.
KF: Whatever. End scene.
Intermission
Cyborg went through the audience selling 'snacks.'
He called out, "Albatross! Albatross!"
Speedy was feeling peckish so he stepped up.
"Albatross?"
"Two choc ices, please," Speedy requested.
"I haven't got choc ices," Cy replied, "I only got the albatross. Albatross!"
"What flavor is it?"
"It's a bird isn't it? A bloody sea bird. It's not any bloody flavor. Albatross!"
"Do you get wafers with it?"
Cy gave him a look.
"Course you don't get bloody wafers with it! Albatross!"
"Well how much is it?"
"Ten cents."
"I'll take two, please."
Speedy took the albatross backstage. Cy resumed selling 'snacks.'
"Gannet on a stick!"
End of Intermission
The curtain rose to reveal Aqualad going up to Speedy. The former was dragging something on the ground behind him.
AL: I wish to register a complaint.
S: I'm leaving for lunch.
AL: Never mind that, my good man. I want to complain about this pig I bought from you only thirty minutes ago.
S: You mean my prize boar? What's wrong with it?
AL: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, it's dead.
S: Nah, it's resting, look.
AL: Look, I know a dead pig when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.
S: No, it's resting. Great pig, well bred species, that one.
AL: Species don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
S: No, it's resting.
AL: Resting? Well, I'll wake it up then.
He pulled the body closer.
AL: Hello, piggy! I've got a nice truffle for you if you wake up!
Speedy nudged it with his foot.
S: There, it moved.
AL: That was you kicking it.
S: Was not.
AL: You did.
Aqualad lifted the body.
AL: Hello, piggy!
He kicked the body.
AL: Pretty piggy!
He lifted the huge pig and let it drop to the ground.
AL: Now that's what I call a dead pig.
S: Nah, it's stunned.
AL: I've had enough of this. It's definitely deceased. You assured me its lack of movement was from being tired after a long night of eating.
S: It's simply pining for the wild.
AL: What kind of talk is that? Why did it fall flat on its belly the minute I got it home?
S: That king of pig prefers to be lying on its belly.
AL: Look, I examined that pig, and I noticed that its eyes were open only because they were nailed open.
S: If I didn't do that it would sleep all day.
AL: Look, matey, this pig wouldn't so much as move even if you shot 4000 volts through it. It's bleeding demised.
S: It's pining.
AL: It's not pining it's passed on. It's no more, ceased to be, expired and gone to meet its maker, it's a late pig, it's a stiff, bereft of life it rests in peace, pushing up the daisies, it's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible, this is an ex-pig!"
S: Well, I better replace it then.
AL: You want something done in this country you've got to complain 'til you're blue in the mouth.
S: I'm fresh out of pigs, gov, but my brother might have one in the shop on the other side of town.
AL: Very well.
Later, at a farm on the other side of town
Speedy was standing by a barn wearing a false moustache. Aqualad gave him a look, but proceeded to talk.
AL: Is this the right farm?
S: No.
AL: But it's the right address.
S: Okay, that was a pun.
AL: A pun?
S; Hey, what do you want?
AL: No, never mind, I don't think I can continue my line on enquiry any farther. This has gotten far too silly.
Robin walked out dressed as an army colonel.
Rob: Quite agree, quite agree, silly, silly, silly. Get on with it!
AL: Wait, I almost forgot.
Aqualad pointed at Speedy.
AL: You're a witch!
The scene changed to a pub. Several people were there relaxing and talking. Mas and Menos were sitting across from Pantha.
"It is crazy how everyone is accusing everyone else of being a witch," she said.
Mas and Menos nodded.
"Do not worry, my friends, I wouldn't do that."
The twins smiled and pulled out some bananas from a bag. Pantha screamed.
"You are carrying dangerous weapons. I trusted you. You must be witches!"
Wildebeest and Jericho came in and dragged the twins out.
"Good thing I knew about those self defense classes."
(Scene change to a gym)
Robin is dressed as a gym teacher, ranked as a sergeant major. His class only consists of four people played by Thunder, Lightning, Speedy, and Hot Spot.
Rob: Evening, course.
All: Evening.
Rob: Where's all the others then?
All: Not here.
Rob: I can see that. What's the matter with 'em?
All: Dunno.
HS: Suppose they've got flu.
Rob: Flu?! They've been eating too much fresh fruit. Now then, self defense. Tonight I'll be carrying on where I left off last week when I was showing you how to defend yourself against anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit.
The class groaned.
S: You promised we wouldn't do fruit this week.
Rob: What do you mean?
T: Well, we've done fresh fruit for the last nine weeks.
Rob: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?
S: Can't we do something different for a change?
L: Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?
Rob: Pointed stick?! Want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? Well, I'll tell you something, my lad, when you're walking home tonight and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries don't come crying to me! Right, the passion fruit. When the assailant lunges at you with the passion fruit thus –
All: We've done the passion fruit.
Rob: What?
HS: We've done the passion fruit.
S: We've done oranges, apples, grapefruits –
T: Whole and segments. Pomegranates, greengages –
HS: Grapes, passion fruit –
S: Lemons –
T: Plums –
HS: Yeah, and mangoes in syrup.
Rob: How 'bout cherries?
All: Yes.
Rob: Red and black?
All: Yes.
Rob: Alright then, bananas. We haven't had them have we?
The class was disappointed.
All: No.
Rob: Right, bananas. It's very simple to defend yourself from the banana fiend. First, you force him to drop the banana. Next, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless.
S: Suppose he's got a bunch?
Rob: Shut up!
L: Supposing he's got a pointed stick?
Rob: SHUT UP! You, Mr. Apricot, take this.
HS: Harrison.
Rob: Right, whatever, now come at me with that banana.
Hot Spot walked forward.
Rob: No, no, put something into it for God sake. Hold it like that.
He held the banana over his head.
Rob: Scream! Now, come on, attack me! Come on!
Hot Spot ran forward screaming, only to be shot by the teacher's gun.
Rob: Now, I eat the banana.
The class was shocked.
T: You shot him.
L: He's completely dead.
Robin waved them away.
Rob: I have eaten the banana. The deceased Mr. Apricot has been disarmed.
S: You shot him. You shot him dead.
Rob: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.
T: You told him to.
Rob: Look, I'm only doing my job. I've gotta show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.
L: And pointed sticks.
Rob: SHUT UP!
S: Suppose someone comes at you with a banana and you haven't got a gun?
Rob: Run for it.
T: Well, you could stand to scream for help.
Rob: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.
T: Pineapple?
Rob: Where? Where?!
T: Nowhere, I was just saying pineapple.
Robin breathed a sigh of relief.
Rob: Oh, I thought my number was on that one.
T: What on the pineapple?
Rob: Where? Where?!
T: Nowhere, I was just repeating it.
Rob: Oh, I see, right. Anyway, that's the banana, now the raspberry. Harmless lookin' thing isn't it?
He tossed it to Thunder.
Rob: You, Mr. Tinned Peach.
T: Thomson
Rob: Right, attack me with that raspberry. Come on, be as vicious as you like with it.
T: No.
Rob: Why not?
T: You'll shoot me.
Rob: I won't.
T: You shot Mr. Harrison.
Rob: That was self defense. Look, I promise I won't shoot you.
L: Promise you'll tell us about pointed sticks?
Rob: SHUT UP! Now brandish that raspberry. Come on! Be as vicious as you like with it. Come on!
T: Throw the gun away.
Rob: I don't have a gun.
T: Yes you have.
Rob: I haven't.
T: You have. You shot Mr. Harrison with it.
Rob: Oh, that gun.
T: Throw it away.
Rob: All right. Now, how to defend yourself against a raspberry without a gun.
T: You were gonna shoot me!
Rob: I wasn't.
T: You were!
Rob: Oh, come on. Come on, you worm. You miserable little man. Come on, come at then! Do your worst, you worm.
As Thunder moved forward, Robin spun around to pull a lever on a wall. Thunder was crushed by a 16 ton weight.
Rob: If anyone attacks you with a raspberry, simply pull the lever and the 16 ton weight drops on his head. I learned that in Malaya.
S: Suppose you haven't got a 16 ton weight?
Rob: Well, that's the plan isn't it? Forethought.
S: Well, how many 16 ton weights are there?
Rob: Look, smarty-pants, the 16 ton weight is just one way of killing the raspberry killer. There are millions of others!
S: Like what?
Rob: Shoot him?!
S: What if you don't have a gun or a 16 ton weight?
Rob: Alright, clever dick, here's a basket of raspberries for each of you. Now attack me!
S: No gun?
Rob: No!
S: No 16 ton weight?
Rob: No!
L: No pointed stick?
Rob: SHUT UP!
S: No rocks up in the ceiling?
Rob: NO!
S: You won't kill us?
Rob: I won't.
S: You promise?
Rob: I promise I won't kill you. Now are you gonna attack me?!
S: All right.
Rob: Now don't rush me this time. I'm gonna turn me back so you can stalk me, right? Sneak up behind me quietly as you can, then in with the raspberries. Star moving!
The two remaining students moved forward.
Rob: Now, the first thing to do when you're faced with an ugly mob with raspberries is to…
He pulled another lever.
Rob: …release the tiger.
S, L: Ahhh!
Rob: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that not only does it eat the raspberry laden foe, but also the raspberries. The tiger, however, does not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile.
He began talking loudly to no one.
Rob: Now as for the rest of you, I know you're there hiding. Well, I've loaded myself with 200 tons of gelignite and if any of you so much as tries anything we'll all go up together. I warned you! Right, that's it!
(Huge explosion)
The scene changed yet again to reveal Jinx being shown several photos by Starfire.
"Here is one of myself," Star said as she handed the photo to Jinx.
Jinx took it and, after tearing it in half, threw it away.
"Here is one of Robin."
(Rip)
"Here is one of Silkie."
(Rip)
"Here is one of myself and Robin."
(Rip)
"Here is one of myself and Silkie."
(Rip)
"Here is one of Robin and Silkie."
(Rip)
"Here is one with the three of us together and you can see the Spanish Inquisition in the background as well."
"Oh," Jinx replied, "I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition."
(Dramatic chord)
KF: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
(Cut to a dungeon)
Kid Flash, Bushido, and Herald dragged Starfire into the dungeon and chained her to the wall. They stood around her.
KF: Now, woman, you have been charged on three counts of heresy. Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, heresy by action, that's four counts of heresy. Do you confess?
SF: I do not understand what I am accused of.
KF: Then we shall make you understand. Cardinal Bushido, fetch…the cushions.
(Dramatic chord)
Bushido came back with a pair of cushions.
B: Here they are, lord.
KF: Now, poke her with the soft cushions.
He did so.
KF: Confess! Confess! Confess!
B: They don't seem to be working, my lord.
KF: Did you make sure the stuffing is all in one end?
B: Yes, lord.
KF: She's made of harder stuff. Cardinal Herald, fetch…the comfy chair!
(Dramatic chord)
H: The comfy chair?!
He brought in the comfy chair from the back of the dungeon.
KF: Now, put her in the comfy chair!
They pushed Star into the chair.
KF: Now you shall sit in the comfy chair until lunchtime with only a pack of mustard. Now I'll make it worse by shouting. Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess!
B: I confess!
KF: Not you! Never mind, let's just keep the play moving.
The scene changed to a large group of people prodding Jinx along until they ran into the judge, who was played by Cyborg.
All: We found a witch!
Speedy: We've found a witch. May we burn her?
All: Burn her!
Cy: How do you know she's a witch?
Red Star: She looks like one.
Cy: Bring her forward.
Jinx: I'm not a witch!
Cy: You're dressed as one.
J: They dressed me up like this.
All: We didn't!
J: And this is a false nose.
Cyborg took off the fake nose. He then looked at the crowd.
Cy: Well?
S: Well, we did do the nose.
Cy: The nose?
S: And the hat, but she is a witch.
Cy: Did you dress her like this?
All: No, no! Yes. A bit.
Cy: What makes you think she's a witch?
Aqualad: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Cy: A newt?
Aqualad paused for a moment.
AL: I got better.
RS: Burn her anyway.
All: Burn her!
Cy: Quiet! There are ways of telling if she's a witch.
S: There are? What are they? Tell us!
All: Tell us!
RS: Do they hurt?
Cy: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
All: Burn them!
Cy: What do you burn apart from witches?
S: More witches!
Aqualad hit Speedy.
RS: Wood!
Cy: So why do witches burn?
The crowd was silent. Then Aqualad spoke up.
AL: Because they're made of wood?
Cy: Good! So how do we tell if she's made of wood?
S: Build a bridge out of her!
Cy: Can't you also build a bridge out of stone?
S: Oh, yeah.
Another pause.
Cy: Does wood sink in water?
S: No, it floats. Throw her into the pond!
Cy: Wait! What also floats in water?
S: Bread.
RS: Apples.
AL: Very small rocks.
S: Cider!
RS: Great gravy.
S: Cherries.
RS: Mud.
AL: Churches.
RS: Lead.
Robin: A duck!
Cy: Exactly. So, logically –
S: If she weighs the same as a duck she's made of wood.
Cy: And therefore?
Silence again.
RS: A witch!
All: A witch!
Jericho held up a duck.
All: A duck!
Cy: We'll use my largest scales.
All: Burn the witch!
Cyborg led the crowd to a large old fashioned pair of scales. The duck was put on one end and Jinx on the other.
Cy: Remove the supports!
They did so, and the duck and Jinx weighed the same.
All: A witch!
J: It's a fair cop.
The crowd grabbed Jinx and started to take her away.
J: Look! A swallow carrying a coconut.
All: Where?!
Everyone turned to look as Jinx made her getaway. This transitioned into the next scene. Now a courtroom dominated the stage. Beast Boy was in the defendant chair with new member Geo-Force as his attorney. Cyborg was the judge and Robin stood beside him. Raven sat with Beast Boy.
"Call Beast Boy…no wait," Cy started.
He leant over to Robin.
"What's his character's name?"
"I forget," Robin replied.
"Fine."
He sat up properly.
"Call Garfield Logan to the stand."
"Great," BB grumbled, "The real name."
He went up and sat in the chair.
"Do you confess to being a witch?" Robin asked.
"If it'll let me off the hook, then yes."
"Not so fast," Geo-Force called out.
"What?" Cy asked, "He's admitted it."
"Well, Your Honor, I call the deceased Ms. Terra to the stand."
They wheeled in a coffin.
"She's dead?"
"No, she's not quite dead, but she's not at all well."
"This is stupid," Cy said, "Move along."
"All right, bring in exhibit A."
Raven was pushed forward.
"I don't get it," Robin said.
"Neither do I," replied Geo-Force.
Jericho came over and hit GF over the head with a chicken.
"Let's get this over with. Just sign the paper and we'll nail it up."
"I can't do that," BB shot back, "It'll tarnish my name."
"Well, if you won't then I have to punish you."
"I'm thinking of moving where punishments are more severe," Robin stated.
"You would," Cy quipped, "I sentence the defendant to be hung until death."
BB Looked surprised, "I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"
Everyone in the courtroom turned to look at the doors, but nothing happened.
Elsewhere
The Spanish Inquisition was running to catch a bus.
"Two, I mean three for the old bailey, please," Kid Flash said.
"We've got to hurry," Bushido said, "The curtain's going down."
They finally arrived outside.
"Let's go," Herald said.
The trio burst into the courtroom.
KF: Nobody expects the Spa –
THE END
KF: Oh, bugger!
"BEAST BOY!"
Beast Boy fell out of his bed onto the floor. He looked up and saw Raven.
"What happened?" he asked.
"You fell asleep," she said, "I came to check on you and you were talking in your sleep."
"I was?"
"Yes. Saying things like 'Dinsdale' and 'Spanish Inquisition' and 'Spam.' I sounded pretty crazy."
"It was. Wanna make me feel better?"
"I suppose."
"Hey!"
"Oh, shut up."
She kissed him. BB broke away for a moment.
"End scene."