(( Writer's Note: Hello my darling interweb creatures! For those of you who are still with me, and are actually enjoying my story thus far, thank you! I've been working on this concept for years, figuring out how to best fit it in with the canon of Harry Potter. What started out as a simple self-insert into the magical world, has turned into an amazing story all its own, and i just can't think of the original story without mine involved now. These few chapters have been over a year's worth of processing, adapting the story to Rowling's new works, fixing grammar, and trying my best to word things in such a way you, my readers, will understand.
I'm coming to accept it will never be perfect, but thank you for your support! Enjoy! ))
Too proud to admit she's blown up a toilet in a fit of irrational rage, and not willing to face the wrath of a Professor - which would most likely result in the loss of house points - Kieran spent her remaining lunch break attempting to fix the toilet with 'reparo', a spell she had never used before. No one came to that bathroom because of Myrtle, so Kieran had the privacy to semi-repair the toilet - though it looked nothing like an actual toilet by the end of the hour, the water had stopped flooding the bathroom, and the pieces had been sealed together in a nice porcelain mass. A job well done, she had to tell herself.
There was an eerie feeling of nostalgia while in the bathroom, while Mrytle watched from afar, sobbing. "I didn't mean it - I'm sorry." Kieran attempted to say, but somehow she felt little to no sympathy for the obnoxious girl, already long since dead. The nagging voice in her head scolded her as she sat there attempting to fix what she had broken, telling her it wasn't good enough, and they would most likely link it to her, getting her in trouble, regardless. Somewhere, almost in a disconnected way, the voice whispered to her, hissing, and urging her to 'go' back to the bathroom, because of some 'unfinished business'. Kieran ignored it.
The third class of the day was Charms, and to Kieran's dismay, it was taught by Professor Flitwick, the part-Goblin man who had checked her luggage in at the grounds gate. It wasn't what he, or Emelia, or Trent were that bothered her - In fact, she was almost jealous, and found the subject of their heritage quite fascinating - But the fact she had made it out to be something 'wrong', in order to defend herself against her classmates, made her feel horrible, so horrible in fact she had what she could only describe as an irrational outburst (which she was prone to). She had not only betrayed the people she dare call 'friends', but she betrayed herself, by not standing by the one belief she held most dear: That humans were not superior.
From the time Kieran was a young girl, the only living beings, apart from her mother, that showed her love and loyalty, had been animals. Only non-humans had the capability of true, unconditional love, and they wouldn't go behind one's back to betray each other. That is why Kieran trusted them, and why she found Humans corrupt. Even her Mother kept secrets from her. Thatis why it was her greatest belief - And yet, she had betrayed that, all for the positive reputation of some meaningless kids.
Still damp, Kieran entered the classroom, sitting furthest away from the others as she could. Taking off her robes, she laid them down gently, avoiding looking at anyone as best as she was able, until she found the courage once more, as well as an excuse for her appearance. This class was to be shared with Ravenclaw, who sat on the opposite side of the classroom. Emelia and Trent entered the room together, looking friendly with one another. Emelia didn't hesitate to search out Kieran, sitting beside her, she asked "Are you feeling better - Why are you wet?"
Without flaw Kieran slipped on her carefree mask and beamed at the pair "- Sorry 'bout that, i really had to use the toilet, 'n the toilet did NOT like that" she joked. Emelia gave the impression she didn't believe Kieran at all. She supposed it had been a big deal then. The mask slipped. "-I'm sorry." Kieran grimaced, Trent looked over to her with vague interest - clearly it still bothered him too. "I was shocked - But mostly, i didn't know how to react because i felt like i was being... a bully." She tried to explain, but even she couldn't understand her reaction that well.
Emelia looked at Kieran with confusion "A bully?" she asked "You weren't being a bully-"
"But i hurt your feelings, didn't i?" she asked Trent.
Trent leaned back in his chair, and shook his head. "You were nice about, nicer than most people" He had been nonchalant the whole time- it had been Kieran's self-doubt that made him seem more upset than he actually was, blowing the situation out of proportion, and making something out of it, that it just wasn't. Her head spun, but she felt relieved. Kieran had only wished she could have been more rational. The voice was getting louder.
"Are you really alright?" asked Emelia once more, setting out her quill and notes. "You're very short-tempered." she commented plainly.
Kieran nodded "It's getting worse." she admitted.
Even as a baby, Kieran had been told that she was fussy - or more accurately, uncontrollably distraught. She made life hard on her mom, and Kieran hated herself for that. She didn't want to be that way, she tried so hard to act like everyone else, or at least 'nice'. For a few years after Kieran had seen the dark figure, something inside her stirred, but ironically, the fits were more easily controlled. Her mother commented constantly on her improved behavior, and the two grew close. For the first time Kieran really grasped her mother and their relationship, and she loved that woman with all her little heart-
But nothing good ever lasts - she began attending school, and the tantrums returned. It was as if the moment she stepped in the door, the other kids sensed she was different. They shunned her from their games and crafts, and she was left to her own self-conscious thoughts. Kieran was starting to make her mother miserable again, so she began to visit the forest, more and more; Only the company of her own imagination, the animals, and the creatures of magic kept her mind preoccupied. She learned to hide her feelings, to manipulate her outward appearance to look happy - when the reality of what went on in her head, was too ugly to face.
The kids she grew up with went from ignoring her, to actively searching her out. No amount of self-control she had been teaching herself, could keep her from reacting the way she did - It started with the simple mockery from the other res kids, who called her freak - which resulted in nearly drowning a boy after she had pushed him into the rushing river - it had been an accident, she tried to tell herself. Then, it was the boy who had hit a stray dog - his fingers twisted and broke, all on their own. Kieran had merely wished it. That time, she admitted to herself, it had been no accident.
Eventually the incidents were linked back to her, and Kieran was truly made into a pariah. She wouldn't be able to enter town without someone knowing her, and avoiding her like a walking omen, waiting to strike. Finally, by the time Kieran reached third grade, her mother was resigned, and pulled her reckless daughter from school. The calm control returned. It was only with time, patience, and the love of her Mother, as well as her growing passion for animals and nature, did Kieran find the balance to function like a normal, sane person. As sane as someone who could perform magic could be.
Snakes, in particular, sought Kieran out, they would whisper things to her, and visit her often, like like a family member on holiday, visiting their favorite niece. Or so she liked to imagine. Snakes were easily the most loyal creatures she connected with, which was only made easier by her ability to actually 'speak' with them. Even the poisonous ones cared for her so much so, that she could pick them up with ease, and not fear being bitten. They were misunderstood, so much like herself - kindred spirits, one might say.
Kieran had hoped she had grown past all the fits of rage - a magic school would be nothing like the trauma she had faced - and yet, it was starting again. The control she had built up was slipping. The voice was growing louder. The whispers and snickers triggered her far more than she was capable of admitting. The rumors, the mockery, it all got under skin, more than she could handle. Kieran wanted to grow past it, but that outburst had been the final straw. Something had to change. No more lying in order to make friends, but more so, no more lying to herself.
Charms class began with the passing of notes, Kieran wrote to Trent and Emelia and told them how she wished her family had been full of magical-creatures (and that the creatures of the forest were like her family), and attempted to explain her outburst. She asked about Trolls, and what they were like, and by the end of the secret conversation, Trent had actually invited Kieran to visit his family farm in Ireland, over the holidays. Being honest felt like a weight off her chest, and Kieran wished she could cry from the relief of it.
Em' explained that the only really significant traits she had from her Goblin heritage was the knack to make things out of metal, but it was too easy, and she grew bored of it. She also had to wear special sun repellent that smelled like alcohol, and made her feel greasy. And that magic without a wand was 'unmanageable' for her, but easy for her half-Goblin aunt.
Professor Flitwick started his class with a basic charm, that Kieran suspected he used to start off every year; It was the charm to levitate an object, or specifically in their case, a feather. Magic, as Kieran had come to realize, was not conjured easier with a wand, but simply better targeted. Her intent had to be clear, otherwise her feather would crumple into a heap. When using her wand, the core glowed and hummed, and her fingers felt prickly, like the magic was escaping her fingertips.
The class let out after the hour and the students were given a short break, just enough time to get to the next class, Defense Against The Dark Arts, which to everyone's annoyance, would be held with the Gryffindors. In Charms, the Ravenclaw students had been more competitive than Kieran initially expected; they raised their hand at every opportunity and answered with arrogant precision. Gryffindor was said to be Slytherins oldest enemy, and so neither parties were very much looking forward to one other's company.
The Professor who had been teaching since the last Wizarding War had ended, was a Siberian man with an attitude that was 'problems should be solved head first'. For their first class they were brought to the Great Hall, where in place of the tables, was a long wooden runway. "I am Professor Ivanov, and Deh first lesson i teach, is dat in order to protect yourself, you must first know what spells to use, yes?" he captivated and intimidated the students, engaging them the moment they stepped into the room. "Do i have volunteer?" he got to the point. No one seemed eager to go up and take a beating from the Professor, so he shrugged "Alright, i pick then - You - and you."
Kieran had been picked from the Slytherin side, while an equally tall girl, Ashley Summers, had been picked from the Gryffindors. The girl had a horrible posture and a blotchy nose, and her hair was thin and fell flat against her large head. Kieran on the other hand stood tall, and while her hair was no exception to looking frizzy, it was voluminous and ran down her back, over her trousers. Ivanov picked them simply because they looked like they could take a beating, and both were eager to compete.
"First t'ing we must do, is forget all deh rules. In a life or death situation, there are no pleasantries. We do not bow for our opponent - lest you plan on a hex to the back, eh?" he gestured for the girls to raise their wands. Kieran raised hers boldly, but she was entirely unsure what to do, and she had to force herself not to look at the crowd of people watching them intensly. "Stance is very important - You must be ready to take a powerful hit, without it knocking you over, but you must also be prepared to leap out of deh way like graceful elk. Understand?" he demonstrated with the gesture of his hands.
"None of this frilly, flashy, pansy wand waving - you must be precise!" He demonstrated flourishing his wand, then stomped his foot "None of dat!" His attitude and voice demanded the crowds attentions, and Kieran felt a cold sweat running down her spine. "Show me your stances." he commanded. Kieran felt an instinct to put her wand above her head, with her left out in front, like the head a viper, rearing to strike. Ashley on the other hand held her wand like a boxer might stand, her fists up towards her face, her posture more defensive.
"Interesting choices." Ivanov nodded. "-Here we see a defensive stance." he gestured to Ashley "-While Nathair here is ready to strike. Dis was a good first choice." He nodded approvingly at his selection. "No we've all gone over the simple spells, yes? So no more wasting time. Duel!"
The Professor jumped off the platform and the two girls were left facing each other, both unsure, they bowed to one another awkwardly "None of dat! Dis is not a duel amongst friends!" he smacked the runway "-I do not teach you how to be respectful - I teach you how to defend yourself - Fight back!" he commanded. Kieran felt the hair on the back of her neck stand on end, and like electricity coursing through her body, she struck "Stupify!" the spell left her body faster than she could think, and Ashley was sent flying over the stage, clammering to the ground with a heavy 'thunk'.
The Slytherin side cheered, but the Gryffindors gasped and shouted with rage. "Do not take that! I taught you how to defend yourself - or at least dodge!" The Professor clucked his tongue, throwing his hands up in a frustrated shrug. Ashley got to her feet quicker than Kieran expected, and the two stared at each other with anticipation - Kieran felt.. alive! her blood was hot, her fingers prickled. She watched her prey for any weakness, and as the girl took a step forward, Kieran saw her chance "Expelliarmus!"
The girl sputtered out a 'Protego', but the magical shield was dispersed on impact, and the girl fell back once more. She stood, slower this time, red faced and heaving. Kieran had a wicked glint to her eyes, and was grinning, despite herself. The girl ran at Kieran, and punched the air using her wand "Stupify!" - Kieran had only enough time to roll out of the way, tripping over herself and fumbling partially off the platform. Roary shouted, outraged "Come on Nathair! You can do it!"
Before Kieran could get off the ground, Ashley had sent spell after spell at her, punching the air like boxer. Kieran blared out a 'Protego' strong enough to send one of the Gryffindor's spells back at her, catching of guard and leaving her spread-eagle on her back "Dat's deh ticket!" Ivanov cheered. Kieran was seething, she did not like being the helpless one. Using her momentum to push herself off the ground, Kieran, without thinking, or even caring twisted her wand and threw a spell, her voice malicious "Expulso!" -
The spell left Kieran's wand in a flash of blue, and there was a brief look of horror on Ashley's face before the air exploded around her, sending her flying off the table. The Professor acted quicker than anyone could blink, casting a spell to catch the gryffindor mid fall. The girl was unconscious. No one cheered. Kieran breathed heavily, trembling where she stood, her hair draping her face menacingly. The Professor picked Ashley out of the air "Dat is enough." his face was hard to read, but Kieran could feel the disapointment. Why? He wanted them to fight. So she did. Kieran couldn't deny it, she had taken it to far. "Next time we will talk about which spells are appropriate to use against our fellow comrade - Class dismissed."
The Great Hall emptied quickly, her classmates stared at her in horror and disbelief, their whispers penetrated her like someone pinching her brain - Kieran merely did as the Professor told her, she had to protect herself, she couldn't - she couldn't control herself. 'The Gryffindor didn't hold back either' the voice hissed, the venom clear in its message, and for once, Kieran agreed. "Professor, I-"
"No time Nathair, I must take Summers to the Infirmary."
Kieran was horrified with herself, but more so, she was horrified with what her friends thought. Roary, Trent and Emelia stood there, shocked. Kieran jumped down from the platform, her own look of shock clear "I didn't think that spell would even work, I-"
"She was already down." said Roary, disheartened.
"I didn't mean to, i just - i caught so caught up in it."
"The Professor is reckless, he shouldn't have just thrown you into a duel like that, especially not without any rules." reprimanded Emelia. "-You should have held restraint regardless." her eyes were not just shrewd, but cold. Kieran felt herself sinking.
"I messed up." Kieran agreed. Disappointed, her friends left with the remaining crowd, leaving Kieran by herself. Her first day had become a living nightmare, she wondered if it would ever end…
Unable to face anyone, or let alone interact normally, Kieran wandered through the castle, until she found a way out, made her was across the giant wooden bridge and leaned against the standing stones, her expression was mute, but her thoughts were a chaotic ocean of deep, complicated misery that she couldn't piece together. The forest, she needed to be in the forest, surrounded by trees and nature's magic, away from the hustle of the castle. Like a drunkard, or the undead, she stumbled down the hill toward the forest, her vision narrowed in on where she wanted to go, and before she realized it, she was standing face to face with the Giant, Hagrid, the Gamekeeper and instructor for Care of Magical Creatures.
"Woah th're - ye awright?" The giant man asked, his beetle black eyes shone with concern through a forest of greyed beard and tangled hair. He had a hand full of freshly chopped firewood. Kieran nodded, and ignoring the man continued toward the forest. "Wait one minute! Where do ye think yer goin'?" using his great big hand he held Kieran by her head, spinning her back around like a top. "Can't go out in ther forest, it'sa rule. Dangerous stuff out there."
Without warning, Kieran burst into tears. The giant oaf fumbled the firewood in his hands and watched it clatter to the ground "What did i do!?" he asked desperately, rubbing his hands together worriedly "Nuff of that!" he looked around, trying to figure out what to do. Kieran cried out, her face to the sky, with tears flowing down her cheeks. "Uh-er, what do i do?" the giant paced one way, and then back "Nuff of that!" he pleaded again, then lead the sobbing eleven year old into his hut.
Sitting her down into his large plush armchair he wrapped a soft blanket around her and put a warm cup of tea in her hands. Kieran had managed to stop yelling, but the tears flowed from her red face like lava. "There - See? Everythin's awright." Hagrid sighed, sitting opposite her. Putting his hands on his knees he leaned forward, then back "What's got ye down in the dumps?" he asked, when Kieran had settled down some more. But Kieran only burst into tears again - Hagrid jumped up in alarm, grabbing anything in sight he thought might calm the beast in Kieran's heart - and the cycle continued like that, until Kieran had cried herself to sleep.
By the time she awoke, it was dark outside, and Hagrid, who looked like he had even more greys in his hair now, was hunched over his fireplace, stewing up something savory. Kieran's stomach growled. "Yer awake." said Hagrid, relieved. He had a warm smile on his face as he prepared a bowl for Kieran. The little hut reminded her of home, the clutter, the smells, the tall forest just outside. it was just exactly what Kieran needed, and although she was terribly embarrassed after the scene she had created, again, she was thankful to the giant.
Taking the offered food, Kieran retreated back into the little haven of blankets and furs hagrid had created to help comfort her, and ate the food quickly. "Thank you.." she finally said. Hagrid nodded and took her empty bowl to fill it again. "I messed up, twice, today." Kieran explained. Hagrid looked at her thoughtfully and nodded his head in understanding, being the ear she needed. "I hurt someone during a duel - I just did as Professor Ivanov asked, I-I - I didn't mean to go that far… But now they blame me."
"Aye, you aren't the first to be hurt by Ivanov's methods. He's mad - Still thinks the war is goin' on 'round 'im." Hagrid sighed. Sitting back down he looked out the window "I sent an owl to Slughorn ter let 'im know you'll be comin' late. I'll escort ye back to the dungeons, when yer ready."
"Thank you.." mumbled Kieran, again. "I'm sorry, i probably ruined your afternoon-"
"Think nothin' of it." Hagrid stopped her, putting his hand up and shaking his great big head "There was a beast raging in yer heart, that's my job to calm it." The two exchanged smiles, and Kieran felt ready to take on the world once more, or at least, return to the Dungeons, and try everything over, again.