Author's note: This is actually where it all began. I was intending this chapter (v. different now thanks to numerous rewrites) to be a oneshot- but nooooo, two summers later and I have 20+ chapters…with a plotline from hell.

Chapter Twelve- Three Good Reasons

"So how about it Nymphadora?"

"My name is Tonks!" snarled the young woman. "And the answer is still, as it has and always will be- no Hain, now bugger off."

Hain chuckled to himself as he watched her move a pile of parchment off to the side of her desk. His chuckle only managed to infuriate Tonks even more.

"Well Tonks-" Hain said. "I think you ought to reconsider. What else have you got to do this weekend? Nothing I bet as exciting as visiting my family's estate. We have our own lake and grounds you know...looks fabulous at this time of year."

Tonks ignored him and instead dipped her quill in her ink bottle to redo yet another draft of the essay that was due tomorrow. Work had piled up considerably with the Ministry admitting Voldemort's return. She was so sick of Hain constantly hitting on her and she hoped that by ignoring him he would pick up on the hint.

Either he was thicker than she had supposed or he did not give up so easily. "You know Tonks," he said while crossing around her desk and standing close behind her seat. "I like a woman who plays hard-to-get, it makes things more interesting." He leaned over her and bent unnaturally close to her face- as if he were trying to read what she was writing from over her shoulder, but his line of vision was more directed to down the front of her shirt rather than her paper.

Tonks threw down her quill and spun around in her seat angrily, forcing Hain to take a step back. "I think that there's something really important that you need to know Hain."

Hain gave her his all too familiar, 'Demi-god-I'm-too-sexy-smile'. His teeth were white enough to belong in a muggle toothpaste commercial. He could have easily given Gilderoy Lockheart a run for his money. "And that would be?" he asked.

Tonks stared at him straight in the face and said in a deadly, undisputedly serious voice, "I prefer jobless, middle-aging werewolves."

A moment later as Hain hurried away from her cubicle with a shocked expression on his face, Tonks picked up her quill to continue working- not feeling triumphant at all- instead hot, itchy tears were welling up in her eyes. Ever since they had sent Harry off with his muggle relatives at the train station, Remus had been more distant then ever, hardly ever speaking to her and finding every excuse imaginable to avoid her. She could not understand why, and this time- there was no Sirius to help her figure out the enigma and mindset of Remus Lupin. She blinked away the tears and felt them start to slide down her face and fall onto the paper, leaving two wet inky blotches on her essay.

Yes I prefer jobless, middle-aging werewolves…but I don't know if they prefer me. She thought as more tears started to fall.

Meanwhile her shocking, bubble-gum pink hair- unknowingly to her- faded a little to a light pastel pink as she put her head down on her desk and cried.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Tonks stood outside the small, battered door, her face composed, her eyes dry now. She raised her fist and knocked again.

Bang! Bang! Ba-

The door suddenly swung open and a startled, disheveled looking Remus Lupin stood in the doorway.

"Tonks! What's going on? Has something happened in the Order?"

Tonks took a deep breath. "No, nothing is wrong with the Order. Everyone's fine."

Remus sighed but looked only slightly relieved.

"We need to talk." Tonks said sternly.

He seemed to have expected it. "Alright then." He said quietly, standing aside so that she could walk in the small dismal flat he was renting for the time.

She had never been to Remus's place before. She walked in, noticing how small and depressing the miserable place was. It was almost as bad as 12 Grimmauld Place. Just as cold on the inside as on the outside too. Remus shut the door gently behind her.

On the small wooden table was his battered, open suitcase that looked as if it were in the process of being packed.

"Going somewhere?" she asked him.

"Yes, actually."

She had expected him to deny it. "What?" she stuttered. "Where?"

He didn't answer her as he put a bunch of neatly folded socks into the suitcase.

"Were you going to tell me you were leaving?"

He said nothing.

Her eyes widened. "Were you?"

Remus sighed heavily and looked up at her, "Would you like a cup of tea?" he asked her politely.

"No…I'm fine." Tonks said. "But we need to talk. Now, and about a lot of different things. You've been avoiding me lately."

He didn't say anything to deny it.

"What's wrong?"

"Tonks…"

Just say it…just say it.

Remus stood by his suitcase, looking nervous.

"Remus," she began bluntly. "I love you."

She would never forget the raging silence that followed her words.

"Tonks…" he said slowly.

"I do!" Tonks said angrily. "I really do, and I want to know right now if you love me back or not!"

The second silence was infinitely worse than the first one.

Remus's head dropped forward as he stared at the floor as if was suddenly the most interesting thing he had ever seen.

He doesn't love me…he doesn't love me…why am I such a damned idiot? Why did I waltzing in here when I know he doesn't any more.

"Tonks…" Remus said gently, raising his head to look her in the eye. "I love you."

Tonks almost passed out from relief. "Then why is it so hard to say?"

Remus began pacing the floor. "Because even though we both love each other, nothing can come of it."

She stared at him in shock. "What are you talking about?"

He stopped short. "I'm nearly twice your age, I have not job or money and I'm-"

"So?" interrupted Tonks.

"It would never work between us."

"How can you say that when you haven't even-" she began furiously but he held up a hand cutting her off.

"Tonks, there are plenty of other young men out there and even though things right now might not seem that way and are tough, I can assure you that there are."

"Remus, I don't want anybody else."

He shook his head sadly. "You deserve so much more, someone young and who could support you…not some old, half-ruined wizard whose life is practically over."

"How can you say that?" she said heatedly. "How old do you think you are anyways? Now if you were Mad-Eye's age, then I might be able to understand you saying that you were too old-"

"Tonks, please." He said as he walked over to the other side of the room where a small kitchen was placed against the wall.

"Come'on Remus-" Tonks demanded as she followed him. "Give me thr-" But suddenly she tripped over one of his shoes that was laying on the floor and fell. "Ow." She muttered as she lay on the ground feeling extremely stupid.

He came over and took hold of her arms, just as he had done before so many times and helped her up. "Are you alright?" he asked, looking concerned.

"Yes, yes. I'm fine." She said breathlessly. "Alright, give me three good reasons why it wouldn't work between us."

He sighed again and hesitated for a moment, brow furrowed.

"As I said earlier, I'm too old for you. There are other…younger men out there that would be far better suited."

"How old do you think I am Remus?" she demanded. "I'm not a naïve second year that's just had their first crush. I've dated other men! I don't LOVE any other men. I love you!"

"I'm also very poor. I have no money, no job-"

"Stop being such a negative, despairing twit. I'm an auror, Remus-"

"But I couldn't support you."

"Who the hell said you had to? This is the twentieth century Remus, it doesn't mean that the man had to support the woman anymore- besides, chivalry is only so-"

"But if we were to marry or end up living together that would mean you would have to work to support the both of us and that wouldn't be fair." He said sadly.

MARRIED! Tonks thought, eyes wide-swaying on the spot. LIVING TOGHETHER! He does love me! He wouldn't bring up something as important as marriage without giving it some serious consideration. She realized Remus was saying something and Tonks forced herself to listen to what he was saying.

"-I couldn't bear the thought of you working so hard."

"I like work." Tonks said stubbornly. "Alright, not every bit of it. But I enjoy it for the most part and it keeps me busy."

He took a deep breath as if preparing himself to jump off a cliff.

"And thirdly…I'm a werewolf."

She frowned. "I know that."

"Then you'll understand why it's another reason of why it wouldn't work."

"Not really, how about you enlighten me?"

"By definition Tonks, I'm a monster. I could or kill you if I transform."

"Well then, we won't go out to dinner on full moons."

"It's not a laughing matter."

"I never said it was."

"And besides, intolerance and prejudice of my kind would rub off on you and people might not want to associate themselves with you anymore. You might loose friends."

"I don't care what people think."

"You say that now!' he said bitterly.

She felt the blood drain from her face. "Are you saying that I'd go back on my word?" she asked coldly.

"I'm not saying that!" he said hurriedly.

"Then what the bloody hell are you saying?"

Remus's shoulders sagged and he suddenly looked very, very tired and much older than he usually did. "I'm just saying," he said quietly. "That it's a very hard and difficult life and you should never have to suffer for it by being with me."

Tonks threw her hands up into the air with exasperation. "What do you think love is all about Remus?!? It's all about accepting each other on the good days and the bad ones! I'm willing to that!" she stopped suddenly, realizing that she had been shouting. She stared at him, breathing hard.

Damn him. Damn him for his insufferable "noble" ideas and morals, his gentlemanly conduct and most especially his overwhelming sexiness!

"Nymphadora-" he said gently and took a step toward her, but she backed away angrily.

"My name is-!" but she had backed up too far, right into the edge of the ripped and faded piece of furniture that might have once been called a sofa. She fell backwards over it and there was a sudden pain as her head thudded into the wall.

Stars were winking beneath her eyes as she lay there in a crumpled heap squeezed between the side of the sofa and the wall. Then she remembered what she had been trying to say.

"-TONKS!" she finished loudly, shaking her head trying to get rid of the dizziness. "My name is Tonks you bloody prat!"

But he didn't seem to be listening to her. He was kneeling beside her, eyes wide. "Dear god!" he exclaimed. "You could have given yourself a concussion with that fall."

Tonks wished that she had so that he'd feel even worse. She stood up, ignoring his helping hand. The room was spinning slightly and she still felt very dizzy. "You won't even try!" she exclaimed. "You just have three lousy reasons!"

"Their very valid reasons."

"Whatever happened to all that 'normal stuff'?"

He frowned. "What normal stuff?"

"If you or me wanted to do things that any normal human does or wants to do-" There should be nothing holding us back…including our own insecurities."

He looked surprised. "You remembered."

"Of course I did. Now tell me, why are you so afraid?"

Remus suddenly looked very tense. "I'm not afraid." He said stiffly. "I'm concerned. I'm worried for you Tonks!"

"Worried for me?" she shouted. "What about you? How do you think I feel? Sirius died and you didn't even shed a tear! You haven't raged or ranted. You've just kept it all inside and bottled it up as you kept going. And the night he died, I thought that we finally had an understanding between us and were going to at least try!"

"Things have changed."

"Changed?" she shrieked looking slightly mad in her fury. She probably looked as crazy as Aunt Bellatrix. "How the hell have they changed?"

He opened his mouth again but shut it before waiting a few seconds to beg, "Tonks please, just try to understand. If nothing else we are friends and I couldn't stand to see you hurt."

She saw it. Just for a flash before it vanished behind those warm brown eyes.

Fear.

"Remus." She said quietly. "What's going on?"

He turned away and walked to the kitchen again, inspecting the small counter as if was suddenly covered in grime.

"Nothing is going on. I just want you to understand."

"I'm an auror Remus, I'm not stupid. You're hiding something."

He looked up at her, holding her eyes with a sharp, penetrating gaze. "Why can't you just understand that it's dangerous for us to get together?" he asked hoarsely. "I can't do it Tonks. I can't. I care about you too much. I've lost everybody I ever tried to hold on to. Every single person that I have tried to keep safe and close to me I only lost in the end."

She felt a pang of pity stab at her heart. "But pushing me away won't help, not now. Not when you need it the most."

He shook his head. "I won't do it. We can't do this. I understand that its painful and it will hurt us both but it will be better in the end."

She stared at him in numb shock. "So that's it then?" she said through numb limbs.

"That's it."

She shook her head. "No."

"Tonks-"

"No!" she said more fiercely. "Your afraid Remus Lupin, but I'm not! You may have given up, but I haven't! I won't let you do this!"

He crossed over to her in a flash and grabbed onto her shoulders tightly. "You have to." He said quietly. "Please. For me."

"No. I won't."

She watched the blood drain from his already pale face. "Tonks," he croaked. "I'm taking on the mission. I'm going to be working as a spy for the Order amongst a pack of werewolves I've been tracking for some time."

Her mouth dropped. She couldn't help it. She could only stare at him in numb disbelief.

"What?" she whispered.

He slowly nodded.

"WHAT?" she said again, more loudly.

"Tonks, please-"

She tore away from him. "What do you mean 'you're taking the mission'? Are you SUICIDAL?!?!"

"Listen to me-"

"No!" she said loudly. "I won't let you do it! You CAN'T do it! Dumbledore will talk to you-"

"Dumbledore agreed to it when I asked him to let me go."

Her eyes widened. "YOU asked him to let you go?"

"Yes."

"You ARE suicidal!" she cried. "Even Dumbledore gave up the idea of spying on Fenrir's pack ages ago!"

"I think I have a plan."

"You're lying! You're mad!" She stared at him and another block fell into place. "This is about Sirius, isn't it? This is what happened! You won't break down like any other normal person, you go and take up pointless, and perilous missions that will end costing you your life-"

"We need a spy amongst the pack. We've needed one for a while." Remus said sternly. "It would only be reasonable that it be me. I've put it off long enough."

"Donning the robe of a martyr now are we?" Tonks snapped. "How do you think I'll feel if you get killed?"
"How do you think I'd feel if Fenrir Greyback suspects me and decides to strike you? The pack has no qualms about killing friends of people they consider untrustworthy. If they find out about is, they would hunt you down-" his voice cracked with emotion at the end. He stopped for a moment, breathing deeply. When he continued, his voice was quite steady again. "The innocents are always taken down first. The ones that had nothing to do with anything. Do not ask me to keep going on knowing that you are in danger of being bitten."

She simply stared at him, lost for words.

"Please…it has to end here and now, for both our sakes."

She took a step backwards and when she spoke she was surprised by how calm her voice was despite its icy coldness, "I wish you had told me you were going to say this a few weeks ago Remus. I could've asked the healers to rip out my heart then so that you wouldn't have to now."

And before he could say another word, she turned on her heel and ran to the door, threw it open with a loud bang and ran out into the dark, windy night.

Author's note: Well crap that was depressing. Here's the deal my lovelies- I am now obviously not going to have this up before 'Deathly Hallows' which is what I was hoping to accomplish. This chapter marks the middle point of this story; the next part of this tale will take place during Half-Blood Prince. I've written most of it, but I want it to be good so I'm going to wait and post the next bunch of chapters when I get back since I have to leave on holiday this upcoming Tuesday.. Unfortunately, the date I'm coming back home is… (author ducks behind bullet-proof wall for safety) in late August. No, I'm not kidding. No one is more depressed about it than I am. If I didn't have to leave so soon, I would have time to get it all up before July- but no luck.

So…I beg you all to just check back in August or alarm my story or whatever so that you know when the next chapter has arrived. And don't worry. I'm not just going to abandon the story. It has to be finished by this summer or else I will not be able to start my next great work with a sane mind.

Thank you for everyone who reviewed, and again I am very sorry for the inconvenience. I hope you all have a terrific summer month full of Harry Potter and be sure to come back and keep reading the rest of this story when I post the next chapter.