Author's note: This here was the stumbling block for me. I'm certain that every single chapter that follows this one will be a million times easier to write because this chapter was such a bitch. I knew what I wanted to happen, but making it all work out and tie up neatly was a whole other episode in itself. But here it is. Possibly the most craptastic chapter I've ever written.

Michel Jacques cracks me up. I think its obvious when you read it that I'm just laughing my head off as I write for him- the embodiment of every snot-nosed little punk I've ever had the misfortune of meeting.

Btw, this is probably the most gruesome part in the story. Just warning you...it's not that bad in my opinion- but still, just a heads up for sensitive people…

Chapter Eighteen-The Wolf Who Cries

It was a good sign that there was at least some disagreement and discord in the pack even though it was for something as trivial as who bit who.

Remus was walking back to his spot of camp that he was still forced to share with Michel when suddenly a large shape leapt from the shadows, landing right in front of him and causing him to start abruptly.

"Lupin," Fenrir growled. "I've just finished talking with Bronagh. We need to talk."

Remus felt his throat turn dry. "Oh?"

"About your mission of course." Fenrir said with a terrible grin. "For this upcoming full moon."

At least he wasn't here to confront him about something else. Something more recent involving a secret stash of tea and discussing the bad aspects of the pack to everyone in it. He silently thanked Bronagh for not saying anything to Fenrir, though she easily could have if Fenrir had only just come from talking with her.

"Oh…right of course." He managed.

Fenrir began pacing in front of him. "If all goes well, I'm willing to give you back this-" he said holding something up. Remus squinted to see what it was in the darkness and felt a lurch of acknowledgment from his gut when he saw it was his wand.

"A werewolf with a wand could be very helpful to our pack. I won't deny that at least." Fenrir said as he pocketed it again. "However there's this funny little thing called trust. I'm sure you're familiar with it by now."

"All my life I've never been trusted for what I am." Remus said in his hoarse voice. This was true enough.

Fenrir nodded furiously. "And this here will be the last hurdle for you. If you complete this special mission of mine you'll have all the trust you've ever wanted from us."

Remus nodded, steeling his nerves. "What do I have to do?"

Fenrir's lip curled into an unnerving smile. "Well come now Lupin, surely you ought to be able to figure it out-"

"No idea." Remus lied, though somewhere in the darkest, deepest horrors of his mind he was starting to glimpse Fenrir's intentions.

Fenrir bared his teeth in what could have been irritation or amusement- Remus couldn't tell.

"I want you to surrender to your inner wolf-"

Remus knew Sirius would have laughed hysterically if he had heard that. He had spent years telling all sorts of embarrassing jokes full of sexual innuendo about Remus's 'inner wolf'.

"-and let your primal instincts run free at last."

Remus stared shrewdly at Fenrir. "You want me to bite someone?" he asked finally.

Fenrir's smile widened. "Perhaps it really was your brains that allowed to you become a professor, Lupin."

Remus ignored the insult. "Who?" he asked. How could Fenrir not see Remus's terrified thoughts swirling frantically about? How could he not hear his furiously pounding heart and sense the dread that Remus was now completely engulfed in?

"Well that depends. To be honest- I'll be impressed if you even have enough wolf in you left to actually bite someone."

"How will you know then that I actually bit someone?" Remus croaked. He was defiantly starting to feel sick now as he started to realize the impossibility of successfully pulling off the enormous task that lay ahead of him.

"I have my ways of knowing." Fenrir laughed. "Don't you worry about that Professor."

Remus was pacing. He had been pacing for quite some time now. It was impossible to leave now- everyone in the pack would leave together with just enough time to get them to where they needed or wanted to be for the full moon. Besides, he had the feeling he was being watched by more than one slightly suspicious person in the pack. Cold and curious eyes were following him from the shadows, watching his every move.

He could see no way out- he wouldn't bite someone. He WOULDN'T. But the mission that he had worked so hard on-he'd be damned before he saw it all go to waste after everything he had done so far. He couldn't abandon it now-

Michel who was sitting on a nearby crate was not helping his nerves in the slightest.

"-but that wasn't half as good as the time where me and some of my mates got so drunk, Shane fell into the river. He would have fuckin drowned if his shirt didn't snag on that metal thing-"

He couldn't apparate, he needed a wand for that- likewise he couldn't get in touch with anybody from the Order-

"-and then I said to him 'I'm going to cut off your balls and use them for juggling or something you asshole' and he started laughing, so I grabbed him by his jacket and-"

There would be no way he could keep his sane mind as a wolf, he would have to hide somewhere so that there would be no way he could possibly bite someone. But how could he fool Fenrir? Perhaps Fenrir would be following him? But no, he had already heard that Fenrir was planning something else of his own tonight-perhaps he'd have somebody else trailing Remus? But then how would they know if he truly bit someone or not?

"-and so the cops were coming at us and I grabbed the frozen turkey and threw it at the bastards but it went through the fucking windshield of the car instead because I was pretty shitfaced at that point and my arm was still broken from when I-"

Never in a million years could he bite an innocent person- he was strangely fortunate in the fact that he knew a place nearby that he could spend the night in safety, he had used it once or twice in the past during those long lonely years that followed the death of Lily and James up until his teaching job at Hogwarts-but if he went there, wouldn't Fenrir know?

"-and so then he says 'Fuck you!' and he throws him up against the wall and started beating him with the gun handle because he didn't have any bullets left-"

Remus let out his breath in a low hiss.

Michel finally stopped his story. "What's wrong with you old man?"

Remus felt his nerves finally snap as he rounded on the young man. "Could you PLEASE just let me think in peace for two minutes?"

Michel glared. "You don't have to be such a tightass about it."

Remus bit back a string of retorts that were threatening to issue from his mouth. He turned his back on him and began pacing again.

"Are you scared, old man?" Michel asked in a mocking tone.

"I'm scared that I'll loose my sanity for not being able to think in peace!"

Michel looked smug. "I think you're scared. Scared about whatever Fenrir told you you have to do tonight. What'd he tell you?"

Remus ignored him as he continued to pace, thinking hard.

Michel leaned back against the overturned cardboard box. "You know something? Greyback is the best thing that has every happened to us. And when the Dark Lord strikes out in the open, we will all have our revenge."

Remus's head snapped up as he finally thought of what to do next.

"I'll be back soon." He said.

"Oy! Where're you going?" Michel called after him as Remus ran off into the darkness. "We're all going to leave in a few minutes!"

"I'll be right back!"

He sprinted to where Bronagh lived- and to his immense relief found her just about ready to leave.

"Bronagh!" he cried, skidding to a stop.

She walked right past him.

"What-what did he ask you to do?" Remus asked quietly.

But Bronagh either appeared not to hear him or was ignoring him on purpose as she walked away.

Remus, still clutching at the stitch in his side ran after her.

"Bronagh!" he suddenly noticed tears streaming down her pale, filthy face. He grabbed her arms tightly to prevent her from walking away from him. "Bronagh?" he asked more softly.

He expected her to fight back but to his shock she let out a dry sob and fell against him. Awkwardly, he patted her on the back and waited-

"I don't want to hurt anybody anymore- people- people with families who they love- I can't, I can't tear them apart anymore." she said into his shoulder. "I've been thinking a lot- even before you came here- and I can't stop thinking about it now. It's not right or wrong- it's not me realizing the 'error of my ways' and all the shit but I just can't do it anymore. I can't explain why. I'm tired of it."

"I know."

She looked up suddenly, her eyes flashing. "Why are you here then?" she demanded, her face still streaked with tears. "Why are you here with the pack when you hate it so much?"

"Because I want to help people like you get out of here, and more importantly realize why you have to get out."

"There's no way out for me. It's already too late."

"It's never too late." Remus said firmly. "Run."

She stared at him in shock. "When? Where?"

"Tonight. Anywhere. It doesn't matter. There are places to go- safe places out there. I know people that could protect you if you wanted."

She continued to stare coldly at him but beneath her haughty exterior he could see that her pale green eyes were deep in thought.

"You trust other people?"

"I generally trust everybody I meet on first impressions."

"That's dangerous."

"Perhaps. But that's who I am. And allowing myself to trust others has helped me before."

She looked at him for a moment, "I don't need anybody's help." she said coldly.

He shook his head angrily. "This isn't about pride Bronagh! It's about surviving!"

She was still glaring. "And I'm more than capable of doing that on my own." She turned and started to walk away.

"Are you going to run?" Remus asked desperately.

She turned. "If I was, I'm not likely to tell you in case they decide to interrogate you now would I?"

He felt the smallest of smiles reach his face. "I'm proud of you."

She looked as if she were about to say something nasty in return but reluctantly returned his smile before running off into the darkness.

It had been a mad whirlwind of chaos and fear and yet here he was now- Trading off one hell for another-

The pack had left the Underground together before quickly going their own separate ways. No one had followed him, he was quite sure of it but the thought that he was possibly being watched somehow unnerved him.

How he would be able to fool Fenrir he didn't know. But right then and there, there were more pressing matters-

Like the rising of the moon.

Remus had seen many risings. And even after all these years, the moments before the moonlight would reach him- was that same terrifying wait.

Bugger. He thought as he anxiously paced the small room. He had not been able to lock the door behind him with magic as he usually had in the past, but he had bruised himself considerably as he made sure that it was impossible to get through.

He closed his eyes for a moment. There was always the knowledge before the moon came that nothing was entirely safe. Though he had been able to successfully bar himself from the world- nothing was guaranteed. The possibly of waking up the next morning and realizing he had murdered someone by accident was a fear that had haunted and plagued his dreams shortly after he had been turned into a werewolf and started to realize what being one truly consisted of.

An old cracked mirror lay on its side in one of the corners of the room. Remus approached it warily and stared at his reflection in shock.

He very nearly swore.

He would have never recognized himself. He looked terrible. His hair was longer than usual and he was in desperate need of a shave. He was filthy and was nearly as thin and bony as Sirius had been when he escaped Azkaban. The dark shadows under his eyes were more pronounced than ever and his skin was ghostly pale. He smiled at his reflection and the effect was terrifying.

Remus turned away from the mirror and looked out up at the window again, the moon was finally about to rise- He stared up at the barred window high above him in the dark vaulted room and waited. He could probably try to stay in the corner if he crouched low there for sometime- it would delay the transformation by an hour or so perhaps…

But Remus was not a coward. All the years of his life that fell on the full moon- he would stand there alone and wait for it. He had never tried to hide from the moonlight… ever. It was a strange oath to uphold, but Remus did so religiously.

'It is far better to die on your feet than to live on your knees'.

As he stood there waiting, he wondered suddenly if perhaps somewhere not so far away a young, pink-haired witch was waiting and watching for the moon to rise too. He shuddered.

And then quite suddenly- the room was flooded with silver moonlight.

He opened his eyes.

He was facedown on the floor, breathing heavily, feeling incredibly dizzy and sick from last night's transformation. From what he could see from the ground, the room was an absolute mess. He had destroyed it quite efficiently as a werewolf- the mirror that had been in the corner before was in shattered, sparkling pieces on the floor around him.

He closed his eyes again. He wanted nothing more than to curl up into a tight ball on the cold floor and lay there forever.

No. He had to think.

As he lay there shivering with cold and fatigue he forced his sluggish mind to think of a plan.

I could never get away with saying I bit a wizard…

What about a muggle?

A muggle might work, a muggle wouldn't necessarily know how to find the pack and the pack probably wouldn't care as much if it was a muggle-

He felt guilty for thinking of muggles like that, but it was true.

I might be able to pull it off-

With a groan and a huge effort of willpower he forced himself to sit up.

He gingerly reached for one of the nearby shards of glass and holding it carefully looked at his appearance for a moment in the dim, early morning light that was filtering in through the barred window.

There was something missing. Though he looked worse for the wear and utterly exhausted and pale- his clothes from what he could see were ripped and tattered, but there was something missing from his appearance if he was to fool them into thinking he had attacked a muggle.

He hated to do it, but there was no time to think of another plan.

Without hesitation he turned over the sharp piece from the broken mirror in his hand and with shaking fingers, drew it hard across his forearm. He let out a sharp gasp as blood welled over the wound and he put it to his mouth.

The blood was salty in his dry mouth but it was what he needed. Without the traces of blood on his teeth, it wouldn't look as though he had attacked anything at all.

The wound was still bleeding profusely after Remus pulled his mouth away.

Remus finally found himself mentally cursing for the first time in ages-

Shit.

He desperately tried wrapping a torn piece of cloth around it and it seemed to do nothing for it at all as the crimson blood seeped through.

Now I'm going to bleed to death on top of everything else-

The bitter, salty taste of blood in his mouth was making his stomach turn. Eyes screwed up tightly from the terrible feeling he wrapped the cloth as best he could around his arm and pulled what remained of his torn sleeve over it. His thoughts were still moving sluggishly but one thought ran through his mind with startling clarity-

He had to get back. Immediately.

He stumbled down the dark Underground tunnel, his breathing ragged. As he drew closer, he could hear raised voices- frighteningly familiar voices-

As he rounded the corner he saw a strange sight. Three figures were on the mound of bricks that Fenrir usually stood on to give his zealous speeches. Randolph was talking angrily with Fenrir and between them was Bronagh who was fighting tooth and nail to get away from Randolph who was bleeding heavily on the side of his face where Remus guessed from the look of it that Bronagh might have scratched him with her long nails.

"What's going on?" Remus asked sharply.

David Crawford who was standing next to him shook his head grimly as a response.

A loud scream from the front distracted him. He snapped his head around to see Bronagh now in Fenrir's tight grip- Randolph was nowhere to be seen now.

"Well you are a disappointment today Bronagh." Fenrir was saying loudly. "But perhaps we can make your little mistake into a worthwhile lesson for everybody else here."

She said nothing, but tried only harder to break away from his grip.

David spoke up again quietly at Remus's side, "Randolph apparently caught her trying to leave. Fenrir had given him another mission to do but he didn't follow through with it because he was convinced of it that Bronagh was planning to run away and leave for good. Fenrir's not willing to give her anymore chances with her."

Remus felt as if he had received a blow to the gut- she had tried to run away. She had tried at his insistence to run but Randolph had followed and caught her. He couldn't stand here- he couldn't let this happen, but Fenrir was talking and as Remus desperately tried to think up a plan- he found himself listening.

"'Before a cock crows today, you will deny Me three times'." Fenrir growled. "Have you heard those words before?"

"Let- let me go!" Bronagh gasped, trying to pull away from Fenrir's tight grip.

He pulled her close, his teeth bared in a terrible half snarl, half smile.

"I'm afraid that today was your third denial, Bronagh. 'Lupus non mordet lupum'…" He rasped.

Bronagh was struggling against him as he pulled her even closer, "Do you know what that means? It's Latin."

She shook her head furiously and Fenrir's smile grew more twisted, "It's one of the oldest rules that our kind upholds…it means, 'A wolf does not bite a wolf'."

Then in the blink of an eye, the rusted dagger in Fenrir's hand sliced through the shadows and right across Bronagh's pale throat.

Remus felt his gasp of horror catch in his own throat. His heart seemed to have stopped in mid lurch. He stared in wide eyed terror as Bronagh fell forward, her hands blindly feeling the wound at her neck. Crimson blood seeped through her pale fingers and onto the dark concrete floor.

Fenrir leered down at her with a look of utter contempt before stepping over her crumpled form and facing them all.

Remus could only focus on the young woman who was chocking on her own blood up on the broken mound. Her gasps for breath became wilder as the gargling noise from her throat increased.

And then in the last second, her terrified eyes found his in the crowd and held his gaze. There was anger in her pale green eyes and then, the next second the grey, blank veil of death passed over them.

The angry, bitter look on her face was the same she had worn when she was living. The furious eyes, though unseeing were still facing him and Remus felt the accusatory glare from the dead woman as if it were physically burning him.

Fenrir was saying something but Remus couldn't understand it. Words were meaningless and time was wild and scattered. He realized that the other werewolves were moving away from the scene and Fenrir had jumped down from his mound and was striding over to him.

Remus watched as Fenrir reached him and gave him a terrible smile. "Lupin," he rasped. He eyed Remus before him for a long moment, eyes lingering on every tiny detail of his appearance before saying, "Who was he?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. I couldn't remember anything-" The words seemed to be coming and going much more slowly than usual. "He was a muggle I think."

Fenrir stared at into his eyes for a long minute and for once, Remus didn't have to work on keeping his face expressionless. He was too stunned by what had just happened to truly react to anything. The seconds lengthened…

"I believe this is yours."

Remus stared at the wand in Fenrir's outstretched hand and took it slowly from him. Everything seemed like it was happening underwater or in a dream- time seemed to be moving so slowly.

Fenrir looked sternly at him. "You've seen what happens to traitors among our pack Lupin." He said with a careless nod of his head to Bronagh's body. "Hopefully you'll know better and not use your wand in a way that will result in the same messy end."

He grinned, displaying pointed, yellow teeth and Remus could only numbly nod his agreement as Fenrir turned and started to walk away.

"I'm assuming that tonight was your first real attack?" Fenrir called back.

Remus nodded slowly.

Fenrir laughed and the feral sound echoed off the cavernous walls. "All things get better with time Lupin! The next one will be even better- I promise."

As his heavy footsteps faded away, Remus stared back at the mound of bricks where Bronagh lay in her own red blood, he heard a soft laughter behind him and turned to see Randolph Horrel striding towards him from the shadows.

"You look a bit concerned there Lupin."

He said nothing. He couldn't think of anything to say.

Randolph stopped beside him and glanced at Bronagh. "Pity." He said, but his ice was cold and had no remorse in it. "But that's life isn't it? It's never fair no matter who…or what you are."

Remus shot his head around to stare at Randolph who was smiling at him but the look in his eyes was so cold it sent chills down his spine. The werewolf took a step forward and Remus immediately backed up from the blazing intensity of those grey eyes.

"Such life lessons to be learned here." Randolph spat. "And you seem to be intent on teaching a few to everyone here."

Remus shook his head but Randolph pressed on,

"How about sharing a lesson with me Lupin? How about a lesson on how werewolves are not so different from humans and revenge is one step in the wrong direction? Or how about how 'Just because we're 'creatures of the shadows' there's no reason to step out of the darkness and take part in the rest of the world?'"

Remus felt his blood turn to ice. How long had Randolph been watching him? How long had he been watching Bronagh before he dragged her to Fenrir and ultimately, her death?

A horrible thought struck him- Randolph had been assigned to do something else for Fenrir last night and didn't do it so that he could follow Bronagh instead. Had Randolph been assigned to watch Remus? He took another step backwards and fell over a pile of rubbish, landing hard on the floor.

Randolph raised an eyebrow. "No lesson today? I'm disappointed. We can all learn so much from you I'm sure." He watched Remus start to scramble to his feet and leaned forward, causing him to freeze.

"Then how about I teach you a little lesson then Lupin?" Randolph said quietly, "You're an educated professor after all. I'm sure you'll have a big opinion on this- 'Which is worse? The wolf who cries before eating the lamb or the wolf who does not?'"

And on that dark note he smiled and vanished into the shadows.

It took Remus several moments to realize that he was shaking. Shaking from terror, exhaustion and seeing everything that had happened in the past twenty-four hours was causing him to feel physically sick. He clutched his wand tightly. At least he could now send a message to the Order. He would do that in a minute, once he had gathered his nerves.

He looked back at Bronagh's dead body and turned away. Fighting back nausea, Remus found himself walking back to where he usually slept. Michel was already there, sitting on his blanket beside the fire. The boy was deathly pale under the customary layer of dirt that covered his face, but a forced smile still lingered. "Well…" he said, his voice cracking. "The bitch deserved it."

Remus said nothing, not sure his cover would hold if he said anything else.

Michel flopped onto his blanket bed by the old gutter. "I mean… she really had it coming. She should've known better. "

Remus made a non-committal noise in the back of his throat. He stared into the glowing embers in the small fire, his mind replaying the same terrible scene inside his head. Bronagh's frightened face half covered in shadows- a rusted dagger, the wicked gleam in Fenrir's dark eyes- crimson blood dripping onto the concrete floor- Randolph leering over him in the darkness-

"Man," Michel said quietly from his side of the dying fire, "Some scary shit happens around here sometimes, doesn't it?"

For once, Remus agreed with the young man.