Author's note: Let's do the time warp againnnnn! Just a little bit of a time leap- I imagine Remus has spent the past short months still as spy obviously among Fenrir's pack and at this point can get away with leaving for small periods of time- so here he is! And here's an awesome chapter that cheered me up considerably from the last one cuz-ohhhh, I won't give it away. Just read it yourselves. :)
Chapter Nineteen-All I want for Christmas
It seemed so strange to be back living in the real world again- Remus was staying with the Weasley family for Christmas. The past few months among the pack had improved slightly as Remus was now trusted enough to leave for short periods of time and he was now able to get useful messages across to the Order. He was staying at the Weasley's through Mrs. Weasley's insistence who upon seeing him for the first time had very nearly screamed before immediately fussing about how thin and ragged looking he was.
He had never felt better in his entire life. Shaving his face, sleeping in a real bed, eating normal meals again-
It was Christmas lunch and everything tasted absolutely heavenly. Remus was particularly absorbed in his turkey when he heard Mrs. Weasley snap-
"I invited dear Tonks to come along today," said Mrs. Weasley suddenly, setting down the parsnips with unnecessary force and glaring at Fleur. "But she wouldn't come. Have you spoken to her lately, Remus?"
Remus felt an uncomfortable pang of guilt stab his heart. In truth, Nymphadora Tonks had been occupying an awful lot of his thoughts since his recent arrival back to the Wizarding world. The desire to see her again and the fear of jeopardizing her even more was causing him to have torn conflictions which he mentally argued about with himself until it gave him terrific headaches and no definite solution. "No, I haven't been in contact with anybody very much. But Tonks has got her own family to go, hasn't she?"
Mrs. Weasley fixed him with a knowing stare. "Hmmm, maybe. I got the impression she was planning to spend Christmas alone actually."
Remus said nothing, not entirely sure how to respond to this.
Mrs. Weasley glared at him as though it was entirely his fault that Tonks was so miserable, which he reminded himself was entirely true. Overwhelmed with guilt he cut himself a large piece of turkey and shoved it in his mouth.
Harry spoke up at Remus's side. "Tonks's Patronus has changed its form," he told him. "Snape said so anyway. I didn't know that could happen. Why would your Patronus change?"
Remus almost chocked on his turkey. Harry had no idea of course, but had just succeeded in making him feel about a thousand times guiltier. He was quite sure that he was the cause of this as well. A patronus could only change in times of serious emotional crisis for the caster…and he had a pretty shrewd idea what Tonks's crisis might consist of. He suddenly realized that Harry was still waiting for an answer so he finished chewing his turkey and swallowed. "Sometimes…a great shock…an emotional upheaval…"
"It looked big, and it had four legs," Harry continued. He suddenly seemed struck by a sudden thought and lowered his voice. "Hey…it couldn't be-?"
"Arthur!" said Mrs. Weasley suddenly. She had risen from her chair, hand pressed over her heart, staring out the kitchen window. "Arthur-it's Percy!"
"What?"
Mr. Weasley turned around as well. Everybody looked quickly at the window. Ginny actually stood up. There sure enough was Percy striding across the snowy yard, still wearing the horn-rimmed glasses that Remus remembered him wearing from school. And accompanying himself was the Minister of Magic, Scrimgeour himself, with his mane of graying hair, limping slightly as he walked. But though everybody else remained distracted by the Percy and the Minister's approach Remus sat there feeling stunned.
It was him. Entirely him…Sirius's death might have been the cause of this downward spiral for Tonks but it had plummeted out of control because of him. He had to talk to her now…he had to make her truly understand.
He pushed away his plate of food not feeling very hungry any more and made up his mind on how to approach the task on hand.
Remus stood on Tonks's snowy front doorstep rehearsing the lines he had composed in his mind and desperately tried to steady his nerves. It was quite late now and the shadows that filled the streets and surrounding alleyways near Tonks's place were causing Remus to feel uneasy. Perhaps living in a pack of werewolves where you were always being watched from the shadows had caused him to become slightly paranoid. He turned around to look at the mouth of a dark alley to his right and felt a surge of adrenaline as he saw a pair of eyes from the shadows.
He blinked and the apparition was gone. He stared at the dark spot for a moment wondering if he was going truly mad or if there had been a pair of eyes there-
Probably just a stray cat…I could give Mad-Eye a run for his money now. He thought as he shook off the uneasy feeling. He turned back to the door, took a deep breath and knocked apprehensively.
A moment's pause and then-
"ALRIGHT! I'VE HAD IT! I'VE WARNED YOU BASTARDS TO SOD OFF THE WHOLE BLOODY DAY! THIS IS IT!!!!" Tonks yelled from inside the house. Remus could hear her stomping to the front door and he drew back a few steps wondering if this had been a very bad idea.
"I"VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR 'GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN' AND 'JINGLE BELLS'! HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO REST OR BE MERRY WHEN YOU LOT KEEP-?"
The door swung open to reveal a pale, mousy-haired Nymphadora Tonks in her pajamas and a fuzzy bathrobe who was looking utterly furious. She stared at him, obviously startled on her front door step and lowered her raised wand. His breath had caught at the sight of her- he hadn't been so close to her in ages. The sound of her voice- seeing her pale heart-shaped face again- it brought back thousands of memories that he had forced to the back of his mind and to his dreams while during his time among the pack.
Her hair was still wet; she must have just come out of the shower-
Vanilla. He smelled that bloody, intoxicating vanilla- he knew it had been a bad idea to come here.
"Oh." She said dully as she tightened her fuzzy bathrobe without looking at him. "It's you. I thought it was the bloody carolers again, they've been at my door all day."
Remus noticed with a sharp pang of his heart that Tonks looked very ill. She had shadows under her eyes, she looked exhausted and her wet hair was a mousy-brown hair colour.
"Can I come in for a moment?" he asked.
"Sure." She said, looking concerned. "This hasn't got anything to do with the Order does it? I mean, I just saw Dumbledore recently and he said-"
"Everyone's fine." He said, walking inside, wiping his wet boots on the rug. He glanced quickly around the place and saw it was much more messier than from what he had previously remembered. "It's just that Molly mentioned you were spending Christmas alone."
She looked startled. "Is that why you're here then? To visit me?"
"No one should be alone on Christmas."
"That doesn't hold a lot of merit coming from the man who spent thirteen Christmas's by himself." She smiled, but there was no humour in it.
"I didn't have many options then. Molly said she invited you but you didn't want to come. Why?"
"I'm finding it hard to believe that you couldn't guess."
Remus bit his lip. He had been afraid of this. "Tonks, if this has anything to do with my being there-"
"I just didn't feel like going, alright?" she said bitterly.
"Tonks," Remus said softly. "I understand that this whole thing is difficult but if you let go of everything-"
"Have YOU let go of everything?" She interrupted.
He refused to answer her retort. "-that happened between us, it will make life much easier."
"For whom?" she said loudly. And her furious expression was so similar to that of Sirius, Remus found himself momentarily speechless. "Have you ever suffered from unrequited love Remus? It sucks."
"Nymphadora-"
"My name is Tonks!" she said angrily.
"Love hurts, it can hurt us more than our enemies can which is why you need to forget about me."
"Remus, I've had a lot of different opinions of what you were but I never thought you to be a coward."
He looked at her in shock. That had been a low blow. "What are you talking about?"
"You're afraid of LOVE!" she yelled. A rainbow of sparks shot out from the end of her wand that she still had in her hand. "You always talk as if you could never love someone or they could never love you! YOU'RE the one who's afraid of being hurt because of love-"
"Tonks, I'm afraid that other people will be hurt because of me! I'm a werewolf-"
"SO WHAT!?!?" cried Tonks. "You have told me that a hundred times! I DON'T CARE!" If I did care do you think I'd still be despairing after you? I'm not stupid either! I am fully aware of all the possibilities that could happen to the both of us if were together and I'm willing to accept them!"
"Tonks, this is just as difficult for me. Your unrequited love isn't entirely unrequited you know. I confess… I am a coward. I'm afraid to see you suffer for and because of me."
"Why are you being such a prat about this? I'm willing to take a risk and try to have something work between us but you still won't even try!"
"I care about your happiness more than mine. Seeing you truly happy would make me happy even if at first it hurt me. It's causing me pain to see you like this, I want you to be happy."
"Then you shouldn't have bothered to come around because I'll never be happy if you're not there despite whatever you may think. You're not being honourable! Your being stupid seeing as you can't spot the fact that you're the only one for me and not anyone else."
Her words were so venomous and harsh that Remus could think of no reply.
She looked at him bitterly. "Forget it. This conversation won't get us anywhere. I figured that out on my own months ago. Do you want a cup of tea or something-?"
"I'm fine, but Dora-"
"Tonks." She snapped. "How are the Weasleys?"
"Their all doing fine, but Harry said that your Patronus had changed." He said quickly before she had a chance to interrupt.
Tonks's cheeks turned pink. "Word gets around fast then. Round, round, round, round- I get around." She sang.
"When did this happen?" Remus asked sternly.
"Awhile ago." she shrugged. "But what's the big deal?"
"Tonks, your metamorphosing is down, your patronus had changed to: 'a big four legged creature' according to Harry... this is all very serious." he paused and reflected on his last word. "This doesn't have anything to do with Sirius, does it?" he asked quietly.
"No. We've been over this already. This all started happening after you took a noble stand of, 'to old, too poor…too DANGEROUS'.
"Tonks, I-"
But Tonks took a furious step towards him and looked as if she were on the verge of physically slapping him. "It's YOU! YOU STUPID PRAT! I LOVE YOU! I—BLOODY—LOVE YOU! AND I'VE TRIED TO PUSH YOU AWAY BUT I CAN'T! I CAN'T DO IT! ALL I CAN DO IS THINK ABOUT YOU! IF YOU'RE ALRIGHT? IF YOU'RE STILL ALIVE? IF YOU EVEN LOVE ME BACK STILL?!?!"
Remus stared at her in stunned silence.
Tonks closed her eyes and took a deep breath for a moment before speaking again in a much calmer voice, "Remus forget it. Just drop it. I get it alright? I've given up hope now. I'll just die from unrequited love-"
"Tonks, please try to understand. There's still hope for you. It doesn't seem that way but I know that there is."
She shook her head. "Just keep telling yourself that Remus."
"Tonks, please don't have me be the cause of your suffering. I'm not worth it."
She stared at him defiantly.
With a sad sigh, Remus stuck his hand into his robes and pulled out a neatly wrapped box. "Here." He said giving it to her. "It's your Christmas present." He turned to leave but Tonks suddenly spoke up.
"Remus…wait."
He paused and watched as Tonks raced into the back part of the apartment before coming back a few moments later with a shoddily wrapped lump. "Here's yours." She said as she gave it to him. "I'm sorry about the poor wrap job."
"No, its fine." he said turning it over in his hands, privately wondering how it was possible to wrap a gift so terribly. Not even a drunken Sirius was that bad.
A long and awkward pause followed.
"Well," said Remus finally, pocketing the present. "I'd better be off."
She nodded and Remus noticed her eyes were starting to well with tears even though a single one didn't fall. "Happy Christmas, Remus."
"Happy Christmas Tonks." he said.
He turned around, opened the door and started walking off into the snowy night, trying to push her brave but crestfallen face from his mind-
"REMUS!"
Oh no…what is it now?
He turned to see her running towards him in the snow, bathrobe flying behind her wearing nothing on her bare feet-
"Tonks! What're you doing? Get your slippers on at least!"
She came skidding up to him, stopping just in front of him.
"YOU ARE SUCH A BASTARD!" she cried throwing a handful of snow at him.
He gaped at her, too stunned now to even bother brushing the snow off. "WHAT?"
She picked up more snow from the ground and started throwing it at him.
"Tonks, do you have an idea how childish this looks?"
"YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU THE MOST YOU SELFISH ARSE-"
"I do!" Remus said desperately.
"WELL WHY DON'T YOU TRYING SHOWING IT FOR JUST ONCE?"
" Dora-"
"OBVIOUSLY COULDN'T CARE ABOUT ME THAT MUCH IF YOU WERE MORE THAN READY TO WALK OUT THE DOOR BACK THERE WITHOUT A BACKWARDS GLANCE-"
"Dora, listen-"
"-WON'T EVEN TRY DESPITE THE FACT THAT I STILL WANT TO TAKE A CHANCE AND-"
"-Dora!"
"-DON'T EVEN LOVE ME DO YOU? I SHOULD'VE-"
"I DO LOVE YOU!" Remus bellowed finally losing patience.
Her eyes widened and she dropped the snowball she had been in the process of making from her hands.
"What?" she whispered.
Remus could only stare at her as the snow flew about them. The pause lengthened considerably-
Remus turned away again ready to disapparate-
"Wait! Remus, WAIT!"
Tonks ran in front of him- a desperate look on her pale face.
"Tonks please-"
"You just said you still loved me-"
"I…I…"
"You said it- you can't deny it this time- I heard it and I think the whole bloody street heard it-"
Remus was going to say he didn't mean it but he couldn't- he was sick of lying- sick of denying everything that life threw at him. But to admit it would be ten times worse- so he said nothing.
"Remus?"
He pushed past her and walked into the darkness.
"KISS ME!" Tonks shouted.
Remus blinked, completely thrown by her words and turned around. "What?!?!"
"Kiss me!" she cried, her eyes overflowing with tears. "Kiss me and then tell me you don't love me. If you do I promise I won't ever bring this up again."
He took a step backwards, the falling snow still spitting around them. "I- I, can't Dora." He wondered if he was talking about the kiss or the not loving her part-
She was glaring. "Do it." She said in a low voice.
His self restraint would never hold- he knew it wouldn't and she probably knew it too. "This…it- it has now purpose or point!" he stammered weakly.
"I'm starting to seriously wonder if your man enough or lost all your courage after the fight at the Ministry, Remus." Tonks snapped. "How the hell did you ever get snorted into Gryffindor?"
It was if she had slapped him. He couldn't move…couldn't even think. He turned away again, about to disapparate into the snowy darkness.
"Coward."
She spoke quite calmly and yet the coldness in her voice hit him harder than a whip.
He couldn't remember the last time he had been filled this quickly with boiling anger. Everything, all the experiences and emotions in the past few hellish months that had built up to this moment, seemed to break like a dam- Suddenly he heard a crunching in the snow behind him. Tonks was walking away.
He spun around and grabbed her arm tightly before roughly pulling her to him. He just barely glimpsed the surprise and fear in her eyes before he covered her lips with his as if he had meant to do it all along.
It was a fierce, hungry kiss that Remus until then did not know he was capable of producing. But all at once, his heart was thumping furiously, his pulse racing through his veins, the world spinning- because kissing Tonks and just holding her tightly in his arms was biting off more than he could chew- It was causing all the firm resolutions and vows he had made concerning her to shatter and fall to pieces. He forgot everything and surrendered to the blissful delirium that was produced from her eager lips and his insistent own.
Tonks was kissing him back just as firmly and feverishly as he was. He could taste the longing and the hunger on her lips as the warm kiss deepened and as he kissed her he found one hand of his moving up to her wet head and pushing back her wet tangled hair that was stuck to the side of her face. Tonks was trembling in his arms, and he wondered numbly if it was from the cold or something else.
And it was then in the heat of their passionate kiss when Remus realized something beneath his thumping heart, and racing pulse- underneath the swimming senses and the sheer heaven of wanting to kiss Tonks like this forever- he heard an angry voice in his head-
NO!
His eyes flew open and he tore away from her suddenly with a ragged, gasp- there was confusion mingled with surprise and hurt in her dark eyes.
It had been madness to come here.
Without a single word, and before she could say or do anything- he dispparated into the night. He had apparated to one of the many parks in London where hopefully he could gather his scrambled thoughts.
He had barely taken a few steps down the snowy road when he realized something terrible that fell over his scrambled thoughts like a bucket full of ice cold water.
He realized that after kissing Tonks he had never actually said he didn't love her.
It would have been a lie to say so of course- but to kiss her like that and then never say he didn't love her- that had been the whole point of kissing her, wasn't it?
A group of carolers went by singing a popular Christmas song as Remus sat down on a snowy park bench and put his head in his cold, pale hands feeling that this indeed had to be the worst Christmas of his entire miserable life.
Author's note: Hehe. :D