15. Steve's Jobs
Dear Bucky,
It's been a few weeks since I wrote. I know you don't mind, for obvious reasons, but it's good for me to pause and write my thoughts down here and there. It's also a way of tracking my own progress for myself. I don't tell anyone that I write to my deceased best friend. They already think I'm crazy enough for not seeing Jurassic Park yet. It's on the list, but it's a ways down. I'm still working on Rocky. What is it with Hollywood and sequels?
Most of all, I work. If I work, I can tell myself that's why I don't see Peggy more often. If I work, I can tell Natasha that's why I'm not interested in Olivia from accounting, or Jessica at the coffee shop, or the nurse who just moved in next door. Work gives me something to do, and working for SHIELD gives it purpose. I suppose I need that. When I was younger I wanted to go to war with you and fight on the front lines. Somehow that seemed more purposeful than collecting scrap metal. I know now that everyone had a part to do. I wanted my part to mean something, but what you saw as meaning something, and what I did, were different things sometimes.
I've been working with Natasha and the Strike team. The Strike guys all seem to have a good rapport, and why shouldn't they? They all joined SHIELD around the same time. Went on some of the same missions together. Trained at the same courses and with the same trainers. I'm fine with any one of them having my back in a fight, but there's still a feeling of being odd man out. I guess being a "capsicle" while they were all off taking down a cartel overlord in Bogota can do that to you.
The Strike team will never be like the Howling Commandos were, at least not to me. They may see themselves that way: close, willing to take a shot for each other… I don't know, to be honest. We've never really been in any situation where that's come up. They have their jokes, the way we used to. They have memories they made: the Petersburg job in '03, that one time in Kyoto four years ago… stuff like that. Their experiences have brought them together.
Brock, the Strike leader, offered to train with me. I think he realizes I feel a little left out, not that it's their fault. I never made friends easily when I was younger. When I was younger. Feels funny to think that though… it feels like yesterday, because it was, in a sense. I went into the ice when I was 27, and now I'm 94 years old. I don't look it; I don't feel it. It's a strange sort of discrepancy.
But Brock Rumlow. He's been pretty welcoming, which I appreciate, even if I struggle to avoid comparing this team with my old one (or even with the Avengers). He's made an effort to speak to me in a language I understand: physical action. Fighting, sparring, training… things that don't change when you're a soldier or an operative, even if the times have. I remember you and I used to box it out 'round the campfire some nights when we were Commandos together. I know you were trying to work off whatever was building up after Zola's experiments on you. You couldn't ever talk about it, but the way we fought was as good as having a conversation. Some people use exclamation marks for emphasis; Bucky Barnes used his mean left uppercut.
Brock's no super soldier, but he's very well trained and knows how to use his training. I did floor him, but he put up a good-and skilled-fight leading up to it. It's good to learn one another's fighting styles. I think that's what makes a good team. Figure out each member's strengths. You, you were a great sniper. You were our eyes up high, and you took the shots no one else could make. Jacques, he was our rabbit. He was small and quick and got in and out (causing a boatload of destruction on the way, I might add). Jim Morita, too. Me and Dum Dum, all muscle; Gabe and Monty, intelligence.
Brock's good at seeing people's strengths and figuring out how the Strike team can best use those. He's got a good tactical mind, too. The last mission we went on, he and I talked strategy to get in and out with minimal casualties. It went pretty smoothly, though I think (and this is just between you and me) that Fury handed us this mission because it was relatively easy. I mean, after saving New York from an alien invasion I think most anything would be easy..
After our sparring session Brock gave me a card for one of his martial arts trainers, and mentioned that it might be useful to learn something called Par-Core? I don't know. The future is strange. He mentioned maybe getting beers sometime and getting to know the rest of the team better. He's trying, so I will too.
Nothing will replace the Howling Commandos, and especially you as my best friend. The Avengers was only close in that it was a group of fighters. None of us really worked together. Natasha and Clint did, but again, they had history together. The Strike team is closer, and maybe it'll be a suitable substitute. Time will tell.
Trying to play well with others,
Steve