Part 2.

"I had one job, and I screwed it up. I blew it and for that...I'm sorry. Because that's what I do, I let down the people I love. I let dad down, and now...now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down too."

He sees himself on that hospital bed, dead. And he sees John making that deal for his life. He sees John dead. He feels Sam limp in his arms, his precious little brother died in the mud and he'd failed to save him. He sees Sam, mouth crimson, coated with Ruby's blood his eyes a stranger's. He watches Sam fall into that pit, fall into the cage.

He's there watching Sam, who looks like a mad man forcing his blood into Crowley's body, so eaten up with the guilt Dean had allowed him to feel that he was ready to give up his life to redeem himself. He sees Sam's body used to kill Kevin, he watches again as Sam turns him away...Dean had messed up too much, screwed up one too many times.

He lays in Sam's arms bleeding out after Metatron stabbed him and his little brother sobs like his heart is broken into a million pieces, and all he can think is, I made him hurt again. He's a demon and he nearly bashes Sam's head in, he's tired and dangerous and nearly harvests Sam's soul with Death's scythe.

Sam allows himself back into the cage to fix Dean's problems, he dies later out in the woods and Dean has to leave him there, dead and alone like he doesn't mean anything to anyone because of their stupid crap job...

All the times he's nearly lost Sam, most of them his own fault, at least by Winchester calculations. They're all flying around his head like vengeful spirits causing confused havoc, filling him with dread and panic as Max even now, is going to say goodbye to his sibling. And he's there, losing Sam, holding his cold body, staring at his corpse all night trying to figure out a way to save him. Gladly giving up his everything, his soul to bring the good, pure thing that was Sam Winchester back to the earth.

He's the alcoholic warrior from purgatory who blinded himself to Sam's pain, he's the man who allowed himself to be tainted with the Mark of Can, he's the righteous man who became a demon who attempted to kill Sam. But most of all he's the brother who nearly lost his other half, his soulmate...his brother.

Firstly, always firstly...he feels the fear and the panic...the shame and the failure...the stinging guilt that something so sweet and true that he'd been in charge of protecting had been killed. His whole life, everything good about him, everything he loved, the reason why he lived and fought on...hurt and dead.

The words, the actions, the blood are all so clear in his mind, it's too loud, it's too much to live through again over and over and over again. He can't, as he goes to his knees, he simply can't find his way out of the agony and the pain. The pure terror of ever seeing Sam like that again rendering him defenseless, lost amidst the horrors of the past.

It's then, in those dark, murky depths he hears the muffled words, the plea, the demand. "I deserve you". Sammy's still there, Sam's waiting for him...Sam had worked unimaginably hard, had gone through unimaginable pain just to be with him, just to keep Dean with him. Had done terrible, terrible things to keep Dean alive just like Dean had one for Sam...for the first time he feels Sam's hands on him, vaguely begins to to hear his whispers. The shadows and the demons of the past are being burned away by Sam's light; the beautiful brightness of the present and the promises of the future...Sam alive and waiting for him, holding on to him just as tight, filled with his same fears, haunted by the same wrongs and failings;

the terrible, terrible things they do to save each other.

...

"Dean please." He hears himself say softly, rushes out with a breath. And Sam tries to pull away to look into Dean's face, but he's not allowed. Dean's hands grip him even tighter, holding him ever closer. Sam feels his breath stutter, feels his brother pause as if realizing for the first time someone is holding him close, someone is waiting for him to come back; someone loves him.

"Sammy?" He whispers in a slurred voice, the fear and hope mixed in the tone breaking Sam's heart over again.

"Yes! Dean, yes, it's me." He hugs Dean tighter than ever, "I'm right here, I'm right here...not going anywhere."

"S, sorry," he hears Dean manage out through his still racing breaths.

"Hey, hey, nothing to be sorry about..." Sam says hurriedly, pulls away from his brother a little to catch a look at Dean's face. Dean allows himself to be pushed upwards and sways a little as he sits up of his own strength but Sam's hands are still anchored on his shoulders. His little brother's eyes run down him in a quick scan for injuries, and Dean blinks trying to clear his head of some of its cloudiness, his vision still not one hundred percent...Sam becoming clearer and clearer the beloved, familiar face finally beautiful and real in front of his face.

"You're okay," Sam says, relief awash through his bones. "It was just a panic attack, you're okay..." he breaks off as Dean's fingers land on his face gentle and careful like he's scared Sam will dissolve into ash and blow away in the night breeze.

His green eyes are wide and bright, the pupils shrinking back to normal size as Dean's oxygen levels regulate and he calms again. He stares at Sam's face like it's the most amazing thing he's ever seen, a gorgeous miracle, Dean's own little, undeserved heaven.

Sam blinks back sudden tears with Dean's cool fingertips on his skin and that overwhelmingly loving look in Dean's eyes, his mouth slightly fallen open in awe. His eyes jump from Sam's face to the house behind him and back, his mouth opening and shutting like he needs to say something like he has to tell Sam something important. Instead all that spills out is a relieved...

"Sammy."

Sam's face splits with a happy smile at the small word, as Dean's hands drop from his face meaning he's been assured of Sam's realness and his life, watches as Dean's posture changes, his shoulders stop slumping and they go back and straighten like their supposed to be. His eyes raise, the glistening green snapping with fight and shining in the moonlight. It's not immediate, he's not entirely back to warrior Dean Winchester but Sam's whole being takes a sigh of relief knows the worst is past.

"Jesus Dean, you scared me." Sam gushes, "Haven't had one that bad in a long time."

Dean nods, swallowing thickly, "Sorry Sammy, sorry I..."

"No it's okay," Sam interrupts his hands fisting in Dean's coat giving a nearly unnoticeable shake, "I'm right here, I'm alive, there's nothing to be sorry for."

Their eyes meet and Dean doesn't look away because the connection between them is alive and buzzing with energy with the power and the beauty of both of them realizing despite Max's pain they are still alive...they still have each other and that means they have to do what they swore they would as long as they had each other; fight on.

They had a job to do. People to save. Monsters to kill.

Sam's hands hover as Dean pulls himself to his feet and sways a little, Sam follows Dean's gaze where his eyes are on the bedroom window. His heart aches knowing what kind of conflict Dean struggles with even now, he'd killed that witch and destroyed what was left of his mother in order to save Max from a crossroads deal but he was he willing to do the same thing when the life to be saved was the other sibling?

"You know what he's going to do." He says softly, not quite a question.

Dean nods and with a hand dragging over Baby's smooth hood he walks around to the driver's door. And Sam waits for him, his hand on the door handle. Dean can't tear his eyes away, can't quite decide...thinks of the pain, the torture awaiting Max in hell...but can he really honestly say that it's worse than the agony of loneliness and that sense of ever present failure and guilt when you lose your sibling, your other half...your whole world? No he can't, he can't make that call...he can only answer for himself.

And he'd make that deal for his soul a million times over.

"If we aren't going to stop him, we have to leave now, Dean." Sam says softly from his side of the car, the wind tossing his hair across his eyes and sending chills down his spine when Dean's wild eyes meet his, the fire burning from inside him...the pain, the love looking a bit like insanity.

Dean is silent, simply opens his door and slips into his seat, Sam follows suite and they drive away leaving Max and Alicia to their fates...whatever they may shape them into. The minutes pass by quietly into hours and it's only after they pass the Wyoming border, when Dean is sure he won't turn back and Sam is getting sleepy, that he whispers;

"What did we just do?"

The haunting is there in his voice and in his eyes and Sam swallows, looking away and out his window, the backs of his knuckles against his mouth. Dean words go unspoken between them, we're supposed to save people.

We can't even save us from ourselves, how are we supposed to save others from themselves? Sam doesn't say the words, but it sits between them. The heavy sadness, the weight of guilt, that burden of never knowing whether or not you made the right decision. It's a terrible thing they did. And yet how much more terrible would it have been for them to stop Max? How much more terrible would it have been for them to force him to burn his sister's body?

In this life, this job, being the people they are, they do terrible things all the time to save each other. And that is one privilege nothing, no one will ever take from them. And one privilege they will never deny another human being, another brother, another sister, another parent.

The most sacred thing a human being can do with its life is to sacrifice it. To entirely give yourself up for those you love is to find yourself in their love for you. —anonymous

THE END

Hope you guys liked! REVIEW!?;):);)

Guys: only three episodes left...IM FREAKING OUT!