Bloody nightmare. That was my life. I remember that at the begining there were times I felt unexplainable feelings and desires which I could never quench; I didn't know how...But after I started listening to mother's calls everything became clearer. Or at least that's what I wanted to believe. In fact I knew from the start that Jenova, although being a component in my construction, she is nothing more than a long forgotten creature with no voice. But I had to make up a reason to live, a new goal to achieve. As far as I can remember, I always had an objective to obtain, a mission to fulfill. Also, Jenova is the closest thing I have to family. I hoped that finally, someday I would be able to grow more attached and understand her. At least I believed, because that was the only thing I was left with.
When I saw which is my true self, my initial reaction was disgust. But on second thought, the real me was imperial. Any other type of existence is technically and literally inferior to me, since they are "my prey". However, a single person did not obey to me. He always thought he was equal to me. Even after he was generously gifted Mother's legacy, he wasn't grateful for it and tried to oppose me. Well, actually I can't blame him. Even I was not grateful for my nature, I couldn't expect something better from him.
The first lack of control of the beast I had sealed so well, happened before I even abandon Shin-ra. I was 14 years old, still too young to even understand. It was a pretty cold night, as everyone was saying; I never felt neither cold nor heat. Inside my slumber I could hear my heart pounding in my head more and more louder and faster. It was unbearable as it sounded like canons exploding in my skull. My whole body felt burning like hellfire and every single vein was pounding along with the intense rhythm of my heart. I couldn't take it anymore so I woke up and almost jumped off of my bed. My skin was all sweaty and my throat felt so dry I thought I was gonna die from dehydration. The internal heat I felt made me to tear of my shirt and stay only with my pants. I stood up from the bed and suddenly I felt a pain to my chest. It was sharp and it came like a command; an order to find and attack to prey. So I begun to hunt. I got out of my room and strolled down the corridors until a sweet delicate scent reached my nose. My eyes wandered around to locate the source of this scent. Finally I saw a woman walking towards me with worried look. She told me:
"Mr Sephiroth, what are you doing awake this late at night?"
I didn't answer her, I just approached her. But as I came closer her expression from worried became shocked and terrified. My orbs were locked onto her neck, my tongue licked my top lip by instinct. She started to back off with fear but I caught up with her quickly, rushing at her. Then I threw my arms around her and held her tightly. Once she was inside my arms she started screaming so I quickly covered her mouth with one hand, before she caused a big fuss. With my free hand I took hold of her shoulder and with the one on her mouth I made her to tilt her head in order to expose her soft neck. My head was beside hers, my breath echoing in her ear. I growled in anticipation and I opened my mouth showing my sharp teeth. And then I sank my teeth through her flesh, pierced her veins with my fangs and blood sprang from the wound. The red liquid was spilled in my mouth bringing along a feeling of salvation. The nature of our kind is pretty sophisticated; although her blood slowly quenched my thirst, the sweet taste made me hunger for more. The feeling was so overwhelming I couldn't do anything but to just listen to it. As I sucked with more passion onto the wound, I felt that little by little she was losing her senses. Her body was becoming heavier and motionless. I grabbed her tightly to prevent her fall and I continued to dry her out of her juices. After some sips, I had sucked her dry; every single one of her bones could be seen over her skin, as none of her veins contained any blood. With on last lick on the biting, I dropped her corpse on the floor. I was panting heavily and the bottom part of my face as well as my neck under my jaw were covered in blood; the tips of my fingers were painted in the same color. As the feeling of ecstasy was being steadily, yet with slow pace, lost, I looked at the corpse; the sight was horrific. Then, I looked at my hands. I panicked. I was really confused as I couldn't find any logic in what I had just done. Guilt started to made it's way to my heart, until it was filled with it.
I wasn't able to put inside my mind the fact that I killed a human. I felt going crazy for some moments. Explosions of adrenaline occurred into me, my heart was pounding really fast and just the thought of my actions sent shivers down my spine. 'It can't be real that I did this! This is the work of a monster! Am I...a monster?!' I thought as I raised my palms at the level of my eyes. Then I clenched the first, shut the seconds tighly and I shook my head from side to side, as if this would help me to think clearer. Putting my fists down, I said mentaly: "Even if I am this monster, I have to clean up here." I looked around to check wether someone had seen me, then I knelt down and lifted the corspe bridal style. I had to vanish it and the first thing that came to my mind was to throw it into a mako reactor. It sounded like the best idea I could use then; all evidedce of the murder would be destroyed once and for all, as no material can endure the toxic raw mako of the reactors. The question was, which reactor? Every reactor from 1 to 8 were at the city's edges as a consequence they were too far. The only reactor left was 0. I headed there as quickly and as quietly as I could. I took the elevator and when I reached my destination I desposed the corpse. As the body made contact with the mako, sounds of burning and boiling were emmited and slowly it was vanished by my sight as it was being swallowed from the green liquid. But even though the evidence was destroyed, my feelings were still there tormenting my consience; I wished they could be burnt along with her...
Sleep didn't come to me after that incident for the rest of the night. I took a bath to clean myself from the blood; the hot water seemed to take some of my distress away. ' I don't undestand. I'm being trained since my birth how to fight and kill. I'm not supposed to feel so bad about killing someone. Afterall, I have already killed many at the war. I guess it's the way to blame...' When I ended, I wore my uniform so as to be ready for the training and I sat by the window looking the sun rising, painting the sky in the warm colors of the dawn.
The next days passed by normal, pretending nothing happened. I ignored the symptoms whenever they made their appearance, but as time went by they were becoming stronger and stronger. I had to find a way to quench that thirst besides killing people. I had heard that Shinra had a blood transfusion centre for curing seriously injoured army operatives. I thought that sneeking in and steeling some "food" was a good idea that wouldn't bring me trouble. So the same night that I found the plan, I infiltrated the centre, intending to drink just a few packs, so that the loss would be minor and wouldn't be noticed. But gluttony and greed overtook me and I drank all the packs. The other day, when my crime was discovered, great fuss was created. They were pretty confused as the nature of the theft itseft was unusual; they tried at a small grade to find the culprit, but evetually they gave up. That time I was lucky enough to escape, but I couldn't take the risk to do the same action again. I'm sure if the thing happened a second time, they would pay more attenion and they would search more thouroughly for the responsible person. The last thing I wanted was to have to explain myself to everyone, so I decided from then and on to try to supress all those weird needs.
In order to get a full hold of my self and never show my true self to others I had to taught my self great self-content and disipline. The two words weren't something unknown to me; on the contrery they were really familiar, because being the number 1 SOLDIER required both of them and I had come in contact from the very first day I remember myself. Surprisingly though, putting them into action now seemed a lot more difficult than it was before. I went by like this for around four and a half years but the circumstances were becoming far more pressing and my hunger was growing bigger and bigger. As time moved forward the hunger was becoming unbearable. The thirst had tuned into pain, intense pain, so strong that could drive even me mad. It had become to much for me. But one day I had reached my limits; I tried to shove it of my mind with some really tough training, but I could bearly control my self anymore. It felt like my body was rebeling against me and the pain made me to constantly loose my concentration. I tried really hard to be composed and show no sign of my condition until I reached my room. As soon as I closed the door I stopped holding back and let pain to be shown up. Pained moans escaped my lips as I fell to the ground from the horible pain I felt all over my body. The feeling came like waves and when each wave crashed on my nervous system all my muscles twitched. I was mearly breathing and everytime I tried to get up, an other spasm would come to knock me down. This situation continued for some trully painful minutes; the pain had blurred my mind so I couldn't even think. At one moment that I was able to make thought, a lone idea came to me. Knowing I wouldn't have the chance to think of an other, I put the plan into action. I brought my wrist near my lips, I opened my mouth and bit hard on my hand. The taste of blood in my mouth calmed me down immediately. Pure feeling of salvation. After soime gulps, at peace now, I stopped sucking and releaved, I sighed. Panting hard and with swet dripping all over me, I licked the remaining blood on my lips and I raised my already healed wrist at the level of my mouth to clean it. Sitting up my back, I saw that what I did was the best solution I could think for then and for evey other time since then.
In the next years, whenever I was in need of blood, I would just drink my own. Everything went sooth and peacefully until...the mission at Nibelheim. Oh, I remember all that happened in those seven days...It feels like yesterday.
When I woke up, I drunk my breakfast blood and had a shower. After that, I went to Lazard's office, which had become mine since he got missing and found the orders for the new mission. We were going to investigate some abnormalities with the operation of the reactor and their relation with the appearance of Genesis copies all around the world. I called for Zack to come and meet me. He...was the last person remaining who was worth of trusting. All the other people I used to trust, had betrayed even themselves. So I told my young colligue about my thoughts of abandoning Shinra... He looked rather dumpfounded but used at the same time to hearing news like this. Some time later, all the troops that were sent to the mission, were gathered and ready to go. That was the first time I took up on it; the smell that haunted me since then. Among the cadets, there was him, that once respected me and now hates me. Cloud Strife. The mission's crew departed from Sinra Company and travelled for more than half a day until, under the company of rain, we arrived at Nibelheim. One of the cadets that was sent with me, was an ofspring of that village. I envied him a little...He had a place he could call hometown and a family waiting for him. And yet that person was again none other than Cloud.
After we got out of the cars, Zack with his questions, gave me some more reasons to remember why my life sucked. I always hate to remember that Hojo told me he was my father... Why did I never believed him? Ah yes, because he is far too ugly and repulsive, and because I was created, not born, so I don't have parents but parental DNA material. And that is why...I am that monster.
I felt greatly relieved when I finally entered my room at the inn. I was at last away from that hyper-distracting factor. I could hardly content my impulses while we travelled at the same vehicle with Cloud. I went at the bathroom and splashed some ice-cold water to my face. I witnessed that my heartbeat was increased this whole time and my throat felt as dry as the desert. I punched the wall, cursing my monstrous nature "Damn!" I shouted, and let myself fall on the floor, hitting my head back at the wall. I hated so much when my body didn't bend to my will and acted with its instincts; it is remnant trait from the harsh training I've been through just and only to prevent it... It seems though, that some things cannot be tamed...
With the new dawn, the mission's crew departed from the inn and followed the path to the Nibel Reactor. After a ridicullus photograph and the chit-chatering of Zack Fair and our female guide along the way, we reached our destination. I really wonder at times, how my life would have been if I haven't even entered that place on that day...
Realization gives some damn hard slaps on you, when fate brings it in your way. The same hard slaps I received, when my so-called, old friend, Genesis revealed to me the truth I have been oblivious of, all my life. My perception was so clouded after hearing of it, that the only thing I cared about was to find out more about the truth, in a desperate try to prove it wrong. The first place I thought it could hold the answers I sought, was that old mansion. With the records of past experiments kept there, there was a chance I would find something about "The calamity that fell from the skies, the monster that was excavated from a two thousand-year-old rock layer". So I closed my self in that place, out of my mind, driven by insanity to an unseazing truth-hunt. All I did for the next four days, was reading every singe page existant in the mansion to the point of addiction, as if my life was ensured by every small letter my eyes took in. My tenacity held me captive those days, not letting me do even one single sane thought. I just wet on, pushing my self to the limits.
The forth day I had the most unhoped visit at my underground lair. The moment he opened the stairs' door and the air gush created by the temperature difference between the basement the rest of the house brought down his scent, I recognized him immediately. That same sweet distraction as when we travelled, but now having my self neglected for the last days, for the sake of my "research", the insticts were not just asking, but made my body to obey, and indulge in the bloody hunt. I could feel my throat getting dry, as it demanded to be covered in red liquid, and my heart started throbbing powerfully, emminating the strong pulse through every single vain. The unbearable pain of hunger could really turn me into a beast. Every step closer he did, made my breath havier, filled with the lust of a man-eating monster. When he reached the door, he said something to me. I never learnt what was it, as all my senses were concentrated at catching my prey. My eyes flashed glowing red, my finger nails grew longer and sharper, vains were evident on the skin of my neck and my arms, and long, sharp fangs were protruding from my upper lip. Faster than the human eye can see, I went at Cloud's place, grabbed him by the waist, and with the same speed I crashed him onto the desk. His eyes held surprise and terror for what he saw. His pulse paced up from his fear and his tries to escape my grip that led to no outcome. I held his head on the side to expose his neck and licked in a lustful way I didn't know I could show, his soft, white skin. I felt him twitch for a moment underneath me, probably suddered by my peculiar actions. I think I heard him mubling in a scream "What are you doing?!" something I ignored completely as only the so close intercourse had drunken me and raised my libido, a fact I can't explaine though. I couldn't wait anymore, my fangs were sunken into him, causing him to gasp from the pain and his utterly sweet blood to flow in my mouth... I moaned loudly at the sensation of the warm liquid filling my inner body and I could feel my self reaching a climax just by drinking him. His blood had the most seductive aroma, the richest and sweetest taste, it compeled me to continue sucking him to no end.
All the time, he never stopped pushing against me, militating for freedom, but at some point he tried one last time to escape. His rebelion was halted of course by my hand crushing again his back on the desk with my hand, that tore his clothes and some part of his chest skin with my sharp nails. His fists clenched the leather of my cape in a desperate try to defend against the pain he felt. His grip was getting weaker as I continued to drink – he had started to lose his senses. Although one part of me wanted to leave no drop in him, one other thought that if I kill him today, I'm not ever going to taste his rare blood again. So slowly I stopped drinking, getting off the ready to faint teenager. Still holding him in my arms, his head tilted to the side, I licked his wounds until they stoped bleeding. The view that awaited me, surprised me. His wounds had already started to close! He seemed to gained regenerative ability of my spead. That was the moment I understood I had turned him into the same monster as myself... His pale skin was getting as cold as mine and his blury blue eyes that looked at me with pain, flashed red for a moment. After that, Cloud whispered my name and fell unconcious.
With my perception clear then, away from the daze of hunger, I carried him to a bed at the mansion and let him rest. My mind was really confused with all that had happened these days, I felt completely lost in an abyss of lies and despair.. I got again carried away with searching the files, that I forgot about Strife. When I remembered him, it was already too late; he had left. At first I was afraid he was going to tell all about my secret and along with learning I was the spawn of a monster, I decided to let the world know who I really was and "enact my revenge on the inpudents". I believe the rest are quite known.
The fact that amazed me is that Cloud never spoked once about what I had done to him that day. But I could surely see the hatred and fear he held for me in his sullen gaze he always gave me since then. I wonder, when will the monster he hides will be awakened?...
This is the history I whispered at the winds. It couldn't be less vain than the rest of my actions, as nobody that could hear it is no longer in life; I killed the last one of them with my own hands after all. But it was something I had to express, to feel again the illusion that someone would listen to my pain and care for me...