A/N: You know this episode. Guilt. One of the best A/O episodes ever. So late Season 3 - five months after last chapter. You're going to like this chapter. I have a clear projectory of where I'm going on this one, at least for a while, so I will likely stick with it until I get there. Did I mention you're really gonna like this chapter?

Word Count: 2,500; Rating: Mature...

GUILT

Five months later.

"You getting out of here soon, Liv?"

"Uh huh." Olivia barely acknowledged. She was looking for any loophole to get Roy Barnett, a man who had been molesting young boy, Sam Cavanaugh. They planned to send Sam in to talk to Roy in a public place with a wire, but Olivia was nervous about it. Sam wasn't exactly a willing witness in the case. She was hoping there was some other way.

"You've been working a lot more lately," Elliot said. It was a question, just a statement.

"Uh huh," Olivia said again.

"Everything okay?"

Olivia finally stopped what she was doing and looked up at Elliot. "Elliot, everything is fine. Is this 20 questions?"

Elliot smiled. "Just making sure you're okay," he said. "Any dates recently?"

"Are we doing this again?"

"What? It's been a while, right?" Elliot said.

"Actually, I had a date a couple weeks ago," Olivia said.

It was true. She had met a guy at a bar through some mutual friends and he'd asked her out. They went out twice, but, like most people, she just didn't feel that chemistry with him.

"Hmm," Elliot said. "You're not going to give me any details are you?"

"Nope," Olivia said, grinning.

Elliot nodded and both of them went back to their work.

#

Saturday morning, Olivia went for a run then met up with Alex at the farmer's market. They really had remained friends, but had just dialed it back again. No more late nights, sleepovers, or hanging out at each other's apartments until late in the evening with a bottle of wine. For the most part, they would meet someplace else, arriving and leaving separately. The arrangement was working for the most part.

Oh, there were still tense moments between them, especially at work during a heated exchange. Definitely a time or two Olivia fantasized briefly about backing Alex up against the bookshelf in her office or the wall of an interrogation room and kissing her. But those thoughts were less rare and Olivia was good at fighting them off.

"Think Sam is ready for next week?" Olivia asked during the lunch they opted for after leaving the farmer's market. One other thing that had changed in their relationship is they talked more about work and less about their personal lives – at least not in as much detail.

"No, but what choice do we have?" Alex said, picking at her salad. Olivia could tell she had been stressed over this case from the beginning.

Olivia shook her head. "I don't know," she said. "I've been looking for anything that could implicate Barnett without having to put Sam through that."

"You don't think we should do it, do you?" Alex said.

"I think … like you said, we don't have another choice if we want to get him," Olivia said. "And we've done it before. It's just, Sam seems so fragile and torn over it."

"So you don't think we should do it," Alex said.

"I'm just worried about Sam," Olivia said. "But if it was my decision, I'd probably be doing the same thing you are."

"Thanks, Liv," Alex said. "I needed to hear that."

#

The next few days were a blur for everyone. Sam wearing a wire was a disaster and they got nothing useful. Then his emotional state was so wrecked that when he was pushed to continue helping, he tried to take his own life – something Alex felt personally responsible for.

Then there was the shouting match between Elliot and Alex. Olivia just looking on, unsure what to do. She knew how vulnerable Alex was – she shouldn't even be on the case at this point – but Olivia knew if it was her, she'd fight to stay on, too. But she also recognized Alex was out of line and nearly out of control.

But the breaking point for everyone was when Alex implied to Olivia and Elliot she had a warrant to search Sam's apartment so they could find the video tapes needed to convict him – the only evidence that would put him away.

Like good soldiers, Olivia and Elliot covered for Alex and Cragen knew it. He was angry, and so were they – Alex had risked their badges and careers – but again, they understood why. In the end though, they got Barnett and it only cost Alex a 30-day suspension.

#

It was that night, after the trial and Alex's suspension that Olivia broke one of their unspoken rules – she showed up at Alex's apartment.

"Hey," Alex asked. She looked surprised when Olivia showed up. "Come in."

Olivia walked in with a grocery bag and went straight into the kitchen without even telling Alex why she was there.

"You here to give me a lecture about how irresponsible I was?" Alex said.

"No," Olivia said. "I'm here to be your friend." She took out some ice cream and put it in the freezer. Pulled out a bottle of wine, then some take-out Chinese food.

"You're not angry?" Alex said. "I mean, I made sure you and Elliot weren't at risk, but I know it could have been a lot worse for the two of you."

"Alex … I understand," Olivia said. "Yes, it was irresponsible, but the case got under all our skins. I've been there, remember?" Alex knew she was talking about Eric Plummer.

Dinner and dessert came and went and the two fell back into an old, but familiar routine, each curled up on the couch, Golden Girls reruns and a glass of wine. They spend the evening talking. About work. About life. About their childhoods. It was just like old times and they were both content and happy.

Finally, during a quiet moment, Alex asked the question she'd had on her mind for the last 5 months.

"Liv, do you really thing if things were different, if we had different jobs, things between us could ever work out?" she said.

It caught Olivia off guard, but she already knew the answer. "Yeah, I do," she said. "Do you?"

"I like to think so," Alex said.

"But…?" Olivia could tell there was another part of her answer.

"Nothing has changed, has it?" Alex said.

Olivia shook her head. "Other than disclosing, which still may not be enough, one of us would have to leave SVU, and I wouldn't want that – for either of us."

"Me either," Alex said. "And you're right, even if we disclosed, it probably wouldn't mean both of us could stay in SVU."

"I mean, I'm not saying it couldn't be worth it – for the right person I guess," Olivia said. "I just…"

"We don't know if we're the right person for each other yet, huh?" Alex said.

Olivia shook her head no.

"So I guess we have a conundrum," Alex said. "Have you … dated … since?" She asked hesitantly, unsure if she even wanted to know the answer.

"I've been on a few dates," Olivia said. "Nothing serious though. Mostly just for the opportunity to feel normal and feel something else about sex other than what we see every day."

Alex nodded, she understood.

"Have you?" Olivia asked. She also wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answer.

"Just one," Alex said. "And it was terrible. She tried to make-out with me in the cab on the way to dinner."

Olivia laughed. "I take it the date ended quickly?"

"Eh, not exactly," Alex said. "I fended her off before dinner, but I did go home with her. I'm not exactly proud of it, but a girl has needs."

Olivia laughed again and agreed, but it also opened a conversation they had never had – whether they were open to dating women.

"I have," Olivia said. "Or well, I should say I did once and I've experimented some. I haven't really done many serious 'relationships.'"

"Me either," Alex said. "A few short ones – all with women – and I've been out with men, but I wouldn't call any of those a relationship."

They avoided talking about it in relation to each other, but it was clear they were both open to it and willing – for the right person.

Eventually Olivia caught Alex dozing off on the couch. "Alex, you should go to bed and get some sleep," she said. She took up and offered a hand to Olivia. "Come on, I'll get you to bed and head home."

Alex reach up and took Olivia's hand. She was tired and had drank some wine. Not enough to be drunk, but her balance was unsteady from how emotionally drained she was. Olivia put her hand around Alex's waist to steady her, gripping tighter as Alex swayed. It was the most and closest contact they'd had since their kiss.

Alex moved her hand up to Olivia's face. "Liv?" Olivia didn't speak, she just stared into Alex's blue eyes, nodding for her to continue.

"Stay with me," Alex said. "I need you tonight."

There was no mistaking what Alex meant. She didn't need company, she needed Olivia – emotionally and physically. She was pleading for Olivia to spend the night with her.

After debating whether Alex was too vulnerable or had too much to drink, Olivia didn't believe she had, but figured she'd check in with her before anything happened. Olivia just nodded and followed Alex to the bedroom.

They both quickly got ready for bed, Olivia slipping on some of Alex's sleep clothes and slipped into bed next to Alex.

One they were in bed, facing each other, Alex brought her hand back to Olivia's face. "Thank you for staying," she said. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you," Olivia admitted.

Alex leaned forward and gently kissed Olivia. When she was done, it was Olivia's turn to talk.

"Alex, are you sure … about this? I mean, am I reading the signals correctly?" Olivia said.

"Olivia, I'm more than sure," Alex said. "And this isn't because I'm tired or have had wine or am emotional. I've thought about this for a long time. So, please, don't doubt how much I want this … how much I want you."

Olivia took a sharp breath at Alex's words. She wanted Alex, too.

"Do you think this is a bad idea?" Olivia asked.

"I don't know … probably, but I don't care, Liv," Alex said. "Look, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but Liv, we get along, we have the same needs – both physically and emotionally. We trust each other. All I know is right now, I need you. I need to feel something – anything – and I need to feel it with someone I trust and care about and that I know cares about me."

Alex had barely finished her speech when Olivia kissed her back, letting Alex know she was onboard for whatever they were about to embark upon. Of the kisses they had shared to this point, this was by far the most passionate and most explosive kiss they had shared – Olivia's tongue probing Alex's mouth, and pushing the blonde on her back.

When Olivia was on top of Alex, she paused, lifting her head and staring intently into Alex's eyes – her own dark eyes asked if Alex was sure. Alex nodded and moved her hand to the back of Olivia's head, pulling her back down into a kiss.

Alex had always admired how toned and tan Olivia was, but in the moment, having Olivia's hands on her body, feeling the strength of her arms, was even better than Alex had imagined – and she had imaged it many times.

Before either of them realized it, all of their clothing had been shed and Olivia's hands had moved to palm Alex's breast, her lips on the blonde's neck and Alex writhing underneath her.

"Liv, I'm ready," Alex breathed. With that, Olivia slid her hand between Alex's legs, slowly caressing her inner thighs and feeling Alex spread her wider for Olivia to enter her. At the moment of entry, both women gasped – Alex because feeling Olivia inside her, finally, sent a wave through her body – Olivia because of how Alex responded to her and how natural and easy everything felt. She could feel Alex's body responding around her fingers and she thrusted – first slowly, then picking up the pace.

Olivia was so turned on by Alex. Her skin had goosebumps. Her moans were soft and so unlike the Alex always in control. The sweat dripped from her and Olivia nuzzled her head into Alex's neck, taking in the smell of Alex in a way she never had before. She was so focused on Alex's pleasure, she hadn't noticed herself building toward climax until Alex dug her nails into her back and it nearly pushed her over just from the touch.

Olivia slowed momentarily, pushing Alex's hair out of her face and taking one of Alex's hand with her free hand. She intertwined their fingers and kissed Alex again on the mouth as she resumed her pace with the hand between Alex's legs. She knew Alex was close and she knew any second –

"Olivia!"

Alex's orgasm lasted long enough for Olivia to push her own core into Alex's thigh and experience her own, both women holding each other tight as they lost control of their bodies before collapsing into each other. They laid in complete silence for at least two minutes just to catch their breath and come out of the fuzzy mental state their orgasm had put them in.

"Everything okay?" Olivia finally asked. She was lying next to Alex now.

"Oh, God, Liv, yes," Alex said. "That was … better than I ever imagined."

Olivia's ears perked up at Alex's words. "You've … imagined this?"

Alex blushed and she nodded. "A few times," she admitted. "You haven't?"

"Oh, I definitely have," Olivia said. "Just not like this or here."

"Interrogation room or my office?" Alex asked, knowingly.

Now it was Olivia's turn to blush. "Um, both?" she admitted. "Actually, do you remember that case a couple months ago and we were arguing in the interrogation room?"

"Martin case," Alex said. "Yes, I remember. It was all I could do not to push you against the wall and kiss you, or taking you right there on the table."

Olivia's eyes grew wide. "Jesus, Alex."

"What? You've never dreamed of fucking me on my desk?" Alex said, smirking.

"I plead the fifth," Olivia said, blushing even more now.

"That's what I thought," Alex said. She noticed Olivia starting to get out of bed. "You're not leaving, right?"

"Not a chance," Olivia said. "I just need some water. I have a feeling I may need to be rehydrated for round number 2."

"Round number 2?" Alex said.

Olivia smirked and raised her eyebrows.

"Oh, you didn't think we were done, did you?"

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