A/N: Thanks for reviews. Hold on tight and trust me ... it's about to get rough, but I promise to get you through it quickly.

Timeline: October 2002 ~ about 3 months since last chapter

Word Count: ~2,900 Rating: PG

TELL HER

"Tell her, Liv."

Olivia glanced down at the message on her cellphone and quickly hid it away from Alex who was sitting across from her. It was a crisp October morning and the two women were having breakfast at one of their favorite cafes. Alex was sipping her coffee and reading the newspaper; she didn't barely even looked up when she heard the text notification.

"Don't rush me. I'll do it when it's the right time." Olivia replied to his message, glancing over to make sure Alex couldn't see what she was typing.

"Now is the right time," Elliot responded. With that, Olivia closed her phone and studied the blonde sitting across from her in the booth.

She loved Alex. She knew she was in love with her. Unfortunately, on a particularly late night in the office, and when Olivia was tired and weak, she had shared that information with Elliot after several days of prying. He was … happy? At least happy enough that he was insistent that she tell Alex how she felt.

"Liv, with our job, you never know," he said. "You never really know if you'll be going home."

"That's a morbid thought," Olivia replied.

"But you know as well as I do that it's true," he said.

Olivia nodded. "I do," she admitted. "I guess it just never really mattered before now."

"And that's how you know," he said.

"Know what?"

"That you're in love with Alex," he said, smug look on his face.

Olivia wanted to say the words; she had thought about how or when was the right now. But every time she felt close, doubt creeped in, or her damn phone rang. Or Alex's phone rang.

"How's your food?" Olivia realized she had been staring off in space when she heard Alex asking her a question, but she didn't comprehend it.

"Huh?" Olivia said.

"Your food? You've barely touched it," Alex said. "Is it ok?"

"Oh, yeah, it's fine," Olivia said. "I just spaced out for a minute."

Alex nodded. "What did Elliot want?"

"How did you know it was Elliot texted me?" Olivia said, curiously.

"Because he's nearly the only person to text you besides me," Alex said. "And you had on your 'Elliot face,'" Alex said.

Olivia laughed. "My what? What's an 'Elliot face?'"

"It's the look you have on your face when he calls or texts you on your day off," Alex said. "It's an 'I'm annoyed and kind of want to kill you' look."

Olivia shrugged. "Good to know."

"So?"

"So, what?" Olivia asked, already lost again in the conversation.

"What did he want?" Alex asked. "Please tell me it's not a new case."

"Oh, no," Olivia said. "It was …" she paused to think up a cover, "just something funny one of the kids did."

"Oh? Ok," Alex said. "What was so funny?"

"What?"

"Oh, my God, Liv, where is your head this morning?" Alex said. "You said Elliot texted you something funny one of his kids did. What funny thing did they do?"

Olivia opened her mouth, trying to think of anything to tell Alex. When she was about to tell her some old story Elliot had told her, she saw Liz Donnelly out of the corner of her eyes – walking their way.

Her face turned nervous suddenly at Liz seeing them out in public.

"What's wrong?" Alex asked.

"Liz is here," Olivia said.

"So?" Alex said. She waited on Olivia to say something and when she didn't, she spoke up again. "Liv, she knows we're friends. It's not a big deal for us to be seen having breakfast together…" Alex's voice got quiet now. "Now, if she'd seen us in your bed this morning…"

"Donnelly, good to see you," Olivia said, trying to speak over Alex so Liz couldn't hear, even though she was nowhere near enough close when Alex was speaking.

"Olivia, please … we're not at work. Call me Liz," she turned to Alex. "Alexandra, nice to see you looking relaxed this morning."

"Same to you, Liz," Alex said. "Join us?"

"Oh, no," Liz said. "I was just leaving actually. I was just here to pick up some food. I saw you on my way in, but figured I'd let you have your breakfast in peace."

Alex took a small breath at the knowledge Liz had potentially been watching them. She wasn't sitting anywhere near them, so she couldn't hear the conversation. And she and Olivia were very careful in public. Even still, it gave her caution.

"Anyway, I do need to get going," Liz said and turned to leave before stopping and looking back. "Oh, and Alex, it's nice to see you've been heeding my advice." She smiled as Alex's face did the opposite. Liz left and Alex rolled her eyes before returning to her food.

"What was that about?" Olivia asked. She knew that look. Liz had said something that got under the blonde's skin – and fast.

Alex shook her head. "Nothing. Don't worry about it."

"Alex, come on," Olivia said. "She obviously said something that upset you. What did she mean, 'heed her advice?'"

Alex cocked her neck back and looked up, taking a breath. She looked back down to Olivia and interlocked her fingers together in front of her – something Olivia noticed she did when she was trying to remain calm.

"She thinks I'm quote 'too close to my detectives,'" Alex said slowly.

"She what? When did she say that?"

"When I got back from Albany," Alex said. "In fact, do you remember the argument we had over a warrant my first day back?" Olivia nodded. "Well, after you and Elliot left my office, she made it clear what she thought about our relationship."

"Our relationship?"

"I just mean, how close she believes I am with you and Elliot. She said I let you two walk all over me," Alex said.

"Oh," Olivia said.

"I've been handling it," Alex said. "She's just trying to get under my skin right now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with us having breakfast."

"Sure … but, she's not wrong," Olivia said.

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, I hope you don't wake up naked next to any other detectives a couple mornings a week," Olivia said, grinning. "Please tell me you're not sleeping with Munch."

Alex got a good chuckle out of the thought. "Well, he does have the ability to put me to sleep faster than almost anyone – especially when he starts talking about moon-landing conspiracy theories."

The two ladies finished up their breakfast having had a good laugh, and Alex put the encounter with Liz out of her mind. Olivia, on the other hand, couldn't put it out of her mind, the thought that she was jeopardizing Alex's career.

Maybe now really wasn't the best time to tell Alex she loved her.

#

"You wanted to see me?" Alex meekly poked her head into Liz's office Monday morning. She had a message the bureau chief wanted to see her. She was certain it couldn't be about breakfast because she and Olivia had no physical contact. They didn't show affection. They barely talked during breakfast until Liz was gone.

"Alex come in," Liz said. "Shut the door behind you."

Now, Alex was nervous.

"We need to talk about something," Liz said, then paused for a moment, leaving Alex in suspense.

"Ok? Are you going to tell me what?" Alex replied finally.

"Not what. It's who," Liz said. Shit, Alex thought. "Tell me about Detective Benson."

"What do you want to know?" Alex said. "You know she works at SVU. She's a good detective, a good person. I'm not sure what you're looking for. Did she do something wrong?"

"You tell me," Liz said. "Actually, don't. I don't want to know."

Alex was more than a little confused.

"Alex, have you ever been married?" Liz said.

Now, Alex was really confused. "You know I haven't," she said.

"My ex-husband and I were married for a good while," Liz said. "We were both attorneys and had busy lives, but we had this little routine each morning. He'd get up before me and shower. Then, while I was in the shower, he'd go put on a pot of coffee. By the time I'd get done, I'd join him at the kitchen table. He'd pour me some coffee and I'd make us some toast. Then we'd sit. We'd sit at the kitchen table, me with the newspaper, him with a crossword puzzle or a client file. And we'd barely speak. We'd just sit quietly, in comfort."

"Ok?" Alex wasn't following.

"It was some of our best times, actually," Liz said. "In all the busyness of life, that was our one quiet, comfortable moment to just be together."

"I'm not following you, Liz," Alex finally said. "Are you and your ex getting back together or something?"

"God, no," Liz said. "He was a cheating bastard."

Alex just sat in silence.

"What I'm trying to say is that, when you can do that with a person, there is a level of comfort and intimacy there that you don't share with other people," she said. "And I'm telling you this because when I saw you and Benson Saturday morning, I saw that. You were sitting there, reading the paper, sipping coffee, eating. She was in her phone, doing the same thing, and the two of you just looked … well, extremely comfortable. And I'm very good at reading people."

Alex leaned back and crossed her arms.

"Do you have a point?" Alex said, a little defiant.

"My point is the same as it was a few months ago," Liz said. "You're too close to your detectives, especially Olivia."

"There is nothing wrong with being friends," Alex said.

"Friends," Liz said. "Ok, well, that's correct. But even 'just friends' can be dangerous when you're in our positions. I will say this as clear as possible, Alex. I trust that you can be friends with Benson without compromising this office, but because you are friends, you better make damn sure you keep good boundaries so a defense attorney can't claim any kind of conspiracy."

"Noted," Alex said. "Are we done?"

Liz nodded and Alex got up. Teeth still clenched as she reached for the door.

"On more thing," Liz said. Alex turned around. "I admit I am harder on you than most of my ADAs. But it's because you have a very bright future, Alex. You're one of the best attorneys I've seen come through her in a long time."

Alex relaxed a little at Liz's compliment.

"Just make sure you think about your future. You're not going to make it to the DA's seat some day without pissing quite a few people off and making a lot of sacrifices," Liz said.

Alex nodded and left to go back to her office – now to consider her future with Olivia.

#

~One Weeks Later~

"In your zeal to show up federal officers, a witness and a U.S. Marshal are dead. That's all a jury needs to hear."

Those words from Alex stuck in Olivia head.

Gavin Sipes was killed earlier in the day on his way to Rikers. His dad, a federal witness, was also dead. Of course, Olivia and Elliot still believed they were justified. They didn't want to see Gavin dead, but their job was to keep rapists off the street.

Alex and Cragen had left Olivia and Elliot in federal lock-up hours longer than they needed to, when they came to retrieve Gavin. The detectives were pissed.

They had been butting head with Alex throughout the case. She tried to be helpful, but they both noticed she was holding back more than what they expected, and they both suspected they knew why.

Olivia was expected Alex when she showed up. They'd had a very short phone call before Olivia went home – they needed to talk, Alex had said. Olivia wasn't exactly in the mood for another lecture, but she was willing to give Alex the benefit of the doubt. They'd had their share of work issues in the three months Alex had been back from Albany, but for the most part, they had handled them. Of course, Alex had been more than a little distant at work the past week.

"Something to drink?" Olivia offered as Alex made her way to the familiar spot on the couch.

"Water is fine," Alex replied.

Olivia brought them both a bottle of water and sat on the other end of the couch, facing Alex.

"So…" Alex said.

"So…" Olivia said.

"Anything you want to say?" Alex said.

Olivia was a little surprised. She had expected Alex to come with an apology, if not for anything else, then for leaving them in federal lock-up. Or at least an excuse as to why.

"If you're looking for an apology, you've come to the wrong place," Olivia said.

Alex turned her head, then looked up and sighed. "Liv, you and Elliot were way out of line," she said. "You're lucky you're not in jail."

"Oh, we spent plenty of time there … no thanks to you," Olivia said, bitterly.

"Excuse me?" Alex said. "I'm not the one that went rogue and got two people killed."

"Yeah, well, you certainly didn't lift a finger to try and help," Olivia said. "What? You were afraid to stand up to the feds in case it turned your future career there?"

"Screw you," Alex said. "It was Cragen's call to leave you there, but for what it's worth, I fully agreed. You and Elliot have so much righteous indignation you can't see anything other than what's right in front of you."

"What I saw was rape victims," Olivia said. "At least I wasn't there checking out my shiny new office in the federal building."

"You have lost your mind," Alex said. "You and Elliot don't care about anything other than being right – no matter whose life it costs. And how dare you accuse me of thinking about my job – you're the one doing that right now, at what cost?"

"My job is about people, not about my win percentage or the next best thing," Olivia said.

Alex shook her head. "You know the only reason I'm trying to get a job with the Feds is because of you, right? That had nothing to do with my decisions on this – I like to think I can do my job without that influence – but if you're attacking my future plans, know that it's only my plans so I can be with you."

"I never asked you to do that," Olivia protested. "So don't put this on me."

"No, you didn't," Alex said. "But we decided … together … when we decided to give this, us, a shot."

Olivia laughed sarcastically and shook her head.

"Keep telling yourself that, Alex," Olivia said. "You said yourself, a federal job will help you when you run for the DA seat. That's why you're doing this … not for me."

"You are so full of shit," Alex said. "You and your partner set there and justify everything. Getting too rough with perp. Asking for weak warrants. Anything to make your arrest and then blame me when something goes wrong."

This was new for them. Attacking each other in their jobs wasn't something they did – at least not for more than a moment before quickly retracting it and apologizing. But tonight, there was no backing down.

They both sat in silence, unsure of what to say as the awkwardness grew. Tonight, it wasn't a comfortable silence. It was 15 minutes for either of them spoke.

"I'm sorry," Alex quietly said, finally.

"Ditto," Olivia said. They both smiled at the word. Ghost was one of their favorite movies and even though they had never said I love you, they often used "ditto" when something was hard for one of them to say.

Neither of them were sure if the other was sorry for their actions and words, or just for the situation. They weren't even sure of it for themselves.

"What do we do?" Olivia said after another short period of silence. They both knew this wasn't just a small argument. This was bigger and it wasn't even about the argument. It was about if they could keep this up for a year.

Alex looked away, unable to look Olivia in the eyes. "I don't know," she said, tears beginning to form in her eyes.

Olivia nodded. "Me, either," she said. "I mean, maybe we can get over this, maybe not, but I think we both know that's not the problem."

Alex shook her head in agreement. "We can't keep this up, can we?" she finally asked, tears streaming down her face now as she finally looked up at Olivia, who was also in tears.

Olivia shook her head no, tears falling, unable to speak.

Alex covered her mouth with her hand, trying to take in what was happening – they were breaking up.

"This is the right thing for us right now," Alex said, trying to convince herself.

Olivia nodded. "We're a distraction to each other," she said, doing the same. "And your career matters."

"So does yours," Alex said.

"So…we're breaking up?" Olivia said.

"We're breaking up."

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