A/N: This chapter is different. You'll know it from the start. New chapter tonight.

Word Count: ~1,500 Rating: PG

LOSS

"I can hear you thinking."

A smile grew on Olivia's face. It was the first time she had smiled throughout this entire case, but how could she not? She had Alex Cabot in her arms – something that had been few and far in between during the past near-year.

Of course, the reason Alex was in her arms this particularly morning wasn't something to smile about.

"Is that right?" Olivia replied to the blonde ADA nuzzled next to her.

"You're worrying," Alex said.

"I think we have good reason to worry, Alex," Olivia said. "An international drug lord threatened your life." Alex sighed. "Oh, and last night, he killed a US Marshal," Olivia continued.

Alex lay silent. It was too early for either of them to be awake, but neither of had slept much the night before. Alex traced circles on Olivia's stomach, thinking about everything that had transpired over the past few days with Velez. She also thought of the last year – how much time had they wasted? How much time were they still wasting?

"Thank you for being with me last night, Liv," Alex said, finally. "You are always here for me, so tender and gentle."

"And I always will be," Olivia said. She let her mind wander to the past year, too. The times when they had comforted each other, as much as they swore every time would be the last.

"Alex, this isn't your fault," Olivia told her the night Cheryl Avery was raped at Rikers.

"Then whose fault is it?"

"The system. The laws. I don't know, but it's not yours," Olivia said. "And Cheryl was the one that put herself in that situation. She killed someone rather than dealing with her secret coming out."

"We all have secrets, Liv," Alex said.

Alex's words were especially poignant, given the two of them were in bed together. When they returned from the hospital that night, Olivia gave Alex a hug before turning to leave the blonde's apartment, but Alex didn't let her go. "Stay," was all Alex needed to say before Olivia felt Alex's lips on hers, backwards walking them to the bedroom.

Then there was the day they'd had a huge argument and Olivia went to Alex's apartment to confront her.

"Where do you get off?" Olivia asked, wanting to know why Alex had been so hard on them earlier that day, not defended them to Cragen.

"Usually in my bed – sometimes in yours," Alex said, then smirked. She knew it would drive Olivia crazy, her being a smart ass when Olivia was trying to start a fight. "Though, I haven't gotten off in a long time. Maybe you can help with that?"

Alex just stood with her arms crossed, smug look on her face, watching Olivia roll her eyes and pace around her apartment living room. She also knew what was next – and she was right. Olivia quickly leapt across the room and before Alex knew it, she was in Olivia's arms, the detective's lips on her neck, and falling back on the couch.

Yes, it had been a crazy year. But for Olivia, the reality of their jobs had come crashing down the moment she heard about the death threats against Alex. Olivia always thought if something like that ever happened, it would be her – it should be her.

The circles Alex was tracing suddenly stopped and Alex look up at Olivia.

"I forgot to tell you, in everything happening," Alex said. Olivia looked at her, wondering what other shoe could possibly drop. "The job in the US Attorney's office is open and even though it's not set in stone, it's mine if I want it."

Olivia took a sharp breath. It was exactly what she needed to hear right then, but she also wasn't sure if Alex had changed her mind in the past several months; they had refrained from talking about it.

"Do you … want it?" Olivia asked.

Alex nodded. "Yes. And I want us."

Olivia tightened her grip on Alex, taking in her scent and for the first time in days, feeling a sigh of relief and hopeful about what was ahead – for both of them.

#

Elliot looked at Olivia across their desks. She was looking at him, but she wasn't there. Her eyes were glazed over and he knew exactly what she was thinking about – he was, too. No one in the squad room spoke.

Gunshots.

"Alex! No, no, no, no, no. Alex. Alex. Alex. It's going to be ok. It's going to be ok. Stay with me, sweetheart. I need you to stay with me, it'll be ok. Alex. Alex. Stay with me, Alex. I love you, Alex. Please stay with me."

Olivia couldn't get the events of that night out of her head. The woman she loved died on the sidewalk in front of her – her blood gushing through her fingers. The woman she had spent the last year trying to put out of her mind. The woman she had never told she loved her until it was too late. The woman who likely never even heard the words Olivia had said.

They waited too long. And Olivia let Alex die. It should have been me.

"Agent Hammond wants to see the two of you," Cragen said, handing Elliot a piece of paper with an address. "Said something about tying up some loose ends."

They made the drive out of the river, some abandoned area, unsure of what "loose ends" could be left – Velez had taken care of all of them.

When they got out, Hammond greeted them.

"Real pain in the ass, this one," he said. Elliot and Olivia had no idea what he was talking about until the moment Alex got out of the dark SUV. Olivia's mouth dropped open, like she was seeing a ghost.

"I'm so sorry about all of this," Alex whispered, looking at Olivia, blue eyes piercing her, desperate for Olivia to know.

Tears filled Olivia's eyes. "Your funeral is tomorrow."

"And you're both expected to attend," Hammond said, standing behind the detectives.

"Witness protect," Elliot said. Alex nodded.

"Until Velez is extradited or otherwise dealt with," Alex said. She was looking away, unable to bear seeing the tears in Olivia's eyes because of her.

"How long?" Olivia managed to squeak out.

Alex tried to answer her, but couldn't. She didn't know. She just shrugged, fighting back the urge to kiss Olivia – tell her goodbye. The look Olivia gave Alex, the hurt and pain of not knowing when they would ever be together, broke Alex's heart. She just nodded, telling Olivia that somehow, someday, they would get through this.

"We have to move," Hammond said. He handed something to Elliot and then the black SUVs drove away, taking Alex with them.

#

Alex's funeral was a blur. It was large. Lawyers. Police officers. Politicians. Alex's family. To everyone there, Olivia was just another person grieving the loss of Alex. She sat in the middle of everyone else, fighting back most of the tears she wanted to shed, and pretended she was grieving the loss of a colleague and friend – never mind that Alex wasn't dead.

"Mrs. Cabot, I'm so sorry for your loss," Olivia said, making a point to speak to Alex's mother. God, even Alex's mom couldn't know her daughter was alive.

"Thank you, Olivia," Caroline Cabot said. "I know how deeply Alexandra cared for you. She spoke of you often." The look Caroline gave Olivia made her question whether Alex's mom knew there was something more to their relationship. But she didn't say anything else, and Olivia certainly wasn't going to ask.

When they left the funeral, Elliot took Olivia home and walked her inside. His feelings were all over the place and he couldn't imagine what Olivia's were.

"She had the job."

Elliot looked up from his beer, the two of them sitting on the couch. He gave his partner a look that said he had no idea what she was talking about.

"The job in the US Attorney's office. She had the job. It would have started in about a month," Olivia explained.

Elliot didn't need further explanation. He knew it meant the two of them had planned to be together when Alex changed jobs. His heart broke even more for his partner.

"She told me the morning after the explosion," Olivia continued. "But … at least she's alive."

Suddenly, Elliot remembered the note Hammond gave him with explicit instructions it couldn't be opened until after Alex's funeral.

"I almost forgot," Elliot said, pulling the envelope from his pocket. It wasn't addressed to anyone. "Hammond gave me this, said we couldn't open it until after the funeral."

Olivia took a deep breath, still numb to everything happening.

He furrowed his brow when he opened it, unsure what, if anything, it meant.

"What is it?" Olivia asked.

Elliot shrugged. "It looks like Alex's handwriting, but …" He handed it to Olivia.

On the scrap piece of paper was a single word.

Ditto.

A/N: Don't worry, I won't leave you here, but expect time jumps until we get to the conclusion.

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