A/N: So, I'm going back away from the episode driven chapters - though this one contains portions from Season 10 "Lead" when Alex re-appears. I wanted to leave you tonight with something not so horrible.

Timeline: Season 10, March 2009 - nearly 4 years later.

Word Count: ~2,800 Rating: PG-13

I DON'T KNOW

"Well, I wasn't expecting Cabot today. Have you talked to her?"

Olivia didn't bother to look up from her desk to respond to Elliot. Her eye roll told him everything he needed to know.

"Guess not," he mumbled. "You want to grab a drink or something on our way out of here?"

He knew what effect Alex's sudden reappearance today had to have on his partner. She just showed up out of the blue, no warning and no greeting. Just "what do we got?" as if she had never left.

Elliot was probably as angry about it as his partner was. He knew Olivia's was mixed with hurt and pain, but he wasn't sure he could ever forgive Alex what she did to his partner. He understood her going to Witness Protection, but not leaving without saying goodbye and definitely not failing to at least call when she got back to the city.

"No," Olivia replied, still not looking up. She was not in the mood for company, even Elliot.

"Liv, you have to be feeling something," Elliot said.

Olivia shook her head. "I stopped feeling something three years ago." With that, she got up, grabbed her leather jacket and left the squad room without saying another word.

For her part, Olivia wasn't ready to go home just yet, so she just walked. Velez had died in prison three years ago and Connors had been extradited to Ireland. Alex's threat had ended and Olivia expected her to come home to her, to start their life together finally.

But Alex never came – not to Olivia anyway.

She waited for the call. Even began nosing around to see if, and when, Alex was coming home. Eventually, she got the news Alex was home, and had been home. But the call never came.

Alex not saying goodbye had been a gut punch, but over the year or so after that, she had come to accept it and decide she could move past it. Alex not calling when she returned was the second gut punch.

But the final one, the one that killed Olivia, was seeing the wedding announcement in the paper for Alexandra Cabot, the new bureau chief for homicide, to some wealthy businessman named Robert. That came just about 9 months after Alex's return from Witness Protection.

When Alex showed up at that crime scene today after Greyleck got suddenly send to D.C., she was literally the last person Olivia expected – or wanted – to see.

#

Alex was alone in her apartment when she heard the buzz. She had been expecting it. Heck, she'd even prepared for it. She knew she had some explaining to do to Olivia. It had been three years – three years wasted. And Olivia no doubt knew about her short-lived engagement to Robert. For all Alex knew, Olivia may believe she was married to him.

Alex was in a new apartment, but she knew Olivia would be able to find it. It was public record between the DA's office and 1PP.

Alex had set out a bottle of wine, lowered the lights, put out candles and put on light music. Anything to relax Olivia, who she expected to be full of rightful anger.

"Elliot?" Alex was not expecting Elliot to show up at her door that night.

"Cabot, can I come in?" he said calmly. The surprise on her face was apparent. She looked behind him, hoping Olivia was with him, but she wasn't.

"Um, sure," she said, moving to the side to let him through. Elliot immediately looked around the apartment, noticing the wine, music and candles.

"You planning on having company?" he said.

Alex shook her head. "No, I … um, was just trying to relax," she said. "First day back in SVU was a bit different than my last gig."

"If you're expecting Benson to show up here, to forgive you, you're going to be waiting a long time," Elliot said.

Alex clenched her jaw. Elliot was not the person she wanted to be having this conversation with.

"Liv send you here?" Alex asked.

"No," he said. "Detective Benson doesn't need me to fight her battles. I'm sure eventually, she'll give you an earful – if she ever bothers to talk to you again."

"Then why are you here?" Alex said.

"Just to ask you what the hell you think you're doing in SVU?" Elliot said. "Our squad doesn't need you."

"Jack doesn't seem to think so," Alex said. "Besides, it wasn't my choice."

"Yeah, you like to play that card a lot," he said. "It wasn't your choice to go into Witsec the second time without saying goodbye. It wasn't your choice to not call for three years."

"Elliot, I don't owe you an explanation," Alex said.

"That's Detective Stabler to you, and you're right, you don't owe me an explanation," he said. "But I plan to make it my mission you never get a chance to give your flimsy explanation to my partner, either."

"You done?" she said.

Elliot didn't reply. He just gave her a disgusted look and left.

Alex angrily plopped down on the couch and picked up her cellphone to call Olivia. Voicemail.

#

After a week, Alex had had enough. Enough of the disgusted looks from Olivia and Elliot. Enough of Olivia avoiding her at every cost and sending all of her calls to voicemail. Enough of being referred to only as Cabot or counselor (and not in the good way).

She waited until Saturday morning when she knew Olivia would be going on a morning run, assuming she still did that. She got up early, put on her jogging clothes and waited near the spot she knew Olivia always started. She knew it was borderline stalking, but she desperately wanted to talk to Olivia.

When Olivia got there, Alex immediately called out to her.

"Liv!" Olivia looked around to see where her name was coming from. It took her a few minutes, but then she saw Alex jogging over toward her.

"Counselor, I'm going for a jog now," Olivia said. "Unless we have a new case, I'll see you Monday." She didn't even wait on Alex to respond before she started jogging on her familiar route. Alex jogged along with her.

"Can you stop it with the counselor and Cabot, shit?" Alex said. "I just want to talk to you."

"You missed your chance about three years ago," Olivia said. She sped up, hoping to lose the blonde, but Alex kept pace.

"I'm sorry, you're right," Alex said. "I fucked up, but I meant what I said my first day back … it was a hard experience."

"Yeah, I know. In case you forgot, I was there," Olivia said. She looked around and decided to take a different trail in the park, something less flat. Maybe that would get rid of Alex.

"God dammit, Olivia!" Alex said. "I'm begging you." She was surprisingly keeping up with Olivia, despite the detective's best efforts to lose her. Olivia was surprised by how in shape Alex was.

"So talk," Olivia said.

"Like this?" Alex said. "While we're jogging?"

"It's the one and only chance I'm giving you," Olivia said. "Take it or leave it."

Alex was impressed out Olivia still wasn't even breathing heavy. The attorney was in better shape than she used to be, but she was starting to tire trying to keep up with Olivia.

"Fine," Alex said. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." She paused to breathe. "Look, when I got back, trying to come back to my old life … I just wasn't myself." She paused again. "Listen, I've spent years in therapy. I still go. Losing everything, losing you – twice – I didn't know who I was."

Olivia didn't say anything, but she stopped trying to outrun Alex at least and slowed down a little when she saw Alex was struggling.

"Please, all I want is a chance to talk to you," Alex said. "A chance to explain everything. Liv, I still wake up from nightmares of that night. I still can hear your voice, reassuring me. Telling me that you loved me."

Olivia clenched her jaw and sped up again. Now she wasn't interested in hearing what Alex was saying. Alex sped up with her.

"Liv, I know at one point, you loved me," Alex said. "I understand why you're angry. I understand why you don't want to talk to me. But please, remember that for just a moment and let's talk."

Olivia made another sharp turn to run through a rough patch. Alex followed, trying not to stumble in the dirt.

"You got engaged to someone one – a man at that!" Olivia finally yelled back when she realized she wasn't going to lose Alex. "How is Robert, by the way? Does he know you are literally chasing your ex-girlfriend at dawn on a Saturday morning. Did you leave him sleeping in the bed?"

"What? No, Robert and I broke up," Alex said. "We never even got married."

Olivia took a deep breath. The jogging, that had turned into running, was beginning to get to her.

"Fine," Olivia said. "Keep up with me and I'll give you long enough for coffee when we're done."

Alex let out a sigh of relief and then did her best to keep up with the detective – admiring how in shape she was still. She was definitely more toned that Alex remembered.

After 30 more minutes, Olivia finally stopped running and Alex was right behind her – about to fall over, but she had managed to keep up. When the stopped, Alex collapsed on a park bench and leaned over to put her head between her legs. She hadn't had a workout like that in a while. Neither had Olivia, if she was honest. She had hoped at some point she'd lose Alex.

Olivia saw how winded and red Alex was. She went over to a vendor and bought them two bottles of water.

"Here," Olivia said handing the bottle to Alex. "Drink this, but do it slowly. You need to hydrate."

Alex looked up and took the bottle, surprised Olivia was showing even a little bit of concern for her.

"If you want to go get that coffee so you can get home, we can," Alex said.

"No, you need to sit for a bit," Olivia said. "Drink."

Alex did as she was told, still trying to catch her breath.

"Alex, what were you thinking trying to keep up with me?" Olivia said. Alex was surprised at the use of her first name, the first time Olivia had used it since she arrived in SVU a week ago.

"I was thinking about how desperate I am to talk to you," Alex said. "And if running next to you like a mad woman was the only shot I had, I was going to take it."

Olivia sat down next to her, sipping her own water and catching her own breath. She waited with Alex until the blonde's breathing had returned to normal and her face was a little less flushed.

"Come on," Olivia said. "We'll go to my apartment and have that coffee."

"What?"

"I don't know if you've looked in a mirror, but let's just say I doubt you want to be in public looking like that," Olivia said. "And I'm sure I look just as bad."

"Um, thanks?" Alex said, chuckling slightly.

"I need a shower before I go anywhere," Olivia said. "I haven't sweated this hard in a long time."

"Oh, so this isn't your normal Saturday morning run?" Alex asked, looking annoyed.

"Nah, that was just for your benefit," Olivia said, smirking. "Come on, we'll get a cab."

#

Olivia quickly showered when they got back to her apartment, then offered for Alex to shower if she wanted. While Alex was in the shower, she laid out a T-shirt and pair of shorts. Alex's old Harvard T-shirt Olivia had stolen at some point.

She put on a pot of coffee and got out some left-over bagels from the day before while she waited on Alex, unsure if she even wanted to hear what the blonde had to say.

"You still have it," Alex said.

Olivia looked up and saw Alex walk into the living room wearing the clothes Olivia had laid out. Olivia knew she was talking about the T-shirt.

She nodded. "Yeah, I guess I do," Olivia said. "I suppose you can take it back if you want."

Alex sat down at the kitchen table and took the cup of coffee Olivia had poured for her when she heard the shower shut off.

"I guess I should have asked if you took your coffee the same," Olivia said. "If not, I'll get you another."

Out of old habit, Olivia had fixed Alex's coffee just the way she liked it – two spoons of sugar and a splash of cream. Alex smiled at the gesture.

"No, this is good," Alex said. "Though I've tried to cut back on the sugar, but today, I feel like I need to extra scoop." She slowly sipped her coffee, trying to formulate anything to say that Olivia would listen to.

"Liv…" Alex started, but Olivia cut her off.

"No, let me go first," Olivia said. "Alex, you hurt me. I don't like to acknowledge that, but you did, more than anyone has ever hurt me. When you left without saying goodbye, I convinced myself it was just too painful for you to say goodbye again not knowing how long it would be."

"It was," Alex said quietly.

"Then, when I head Velez was dead and you could come home, I waited on the call from you," Olivia said. "But you never called, even after I found out you came home. And still, even then, I wanted to make excuses for you. That you needed time to readjust to the city and being Alexandra Cabot again."

Alex sighed. Again, Olivia was right, at least at first. Alex wasn't sure she had entirely figured out who Alexandra Cabot was again, even still.

"But the engagement announcement? That was the hardest blow," Olivia said. "I mean, when you were dating the guy in Wisconsin, I understood it – you needed someone. But here, you had me and yet, you didn't call. You didn't seek me out to help you readjust, to figure out who Alex Cabot was. You ran off and got engaged to, what? The first guy you met when you got back just nine months later?"

"I never loved Robert," Alex said. "I don't know if that helps."

"At this point, I don't know if you ever loved me," Olivia said. "So, no, it doesn't help."

"Olivia, I did love you – I do love you," Alex said. "Or at least, I want to love you again."

Olivia looked away, letting her coffee go cold.

"Liv, please, you're right about a lot of that," Alex said. "I was lost and I should have known to call you, that you would be there, but I didn't even know my name half the time. For months, years, I'd go into a panic anytime I heard the name Alex or Alexandra, worried someone had found me to kill me. I was so afraid of my old life, so I tried to create a new one – the one I was expected to live."

Tears began to form in Alex's eyes and Olivia was struggling holding her own back, especially once she saw Alex about to cry.

"I don't know what to tell you," Olivia said.

"Tell me you love me," Alex said. "Tell me you're willing to give me another chance – even if it's just as friendship."

"I … I don't know if I can," Olivia said. "I can't ever feel that way again, Alex."

"Liv, if you tell me you don't love me anymore, I will walk out of here, demand to be transferred from SVU and you'll never hear from me again if that's what you want," Alex said. "So, tell me … is there part of you that still loves me?"

"I … I don't know," Olivia said. She didn't know. She didn't want to love Alex, but dammit, it was hard to ignore what Alex made her feel.

Alex leaned forward and gently kissed Olivia on the lips. Just a small, simple kiss. Olivia didn't react – for good or for bad – but Alex noticed she did close her eyes.

"You didn't say no, Liv," Alex said. "And you didn't push me away just now. That's all I need. I swear to you, Olivia Benson, I will earn your trust again."

With that, Alex got up and left, leaving Olivia sitting numb in her chair, tears finally falling down her face.

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