Chapter 5

"He's beautiful," Elliot said as he held his baby boy in his arms.

"He looks just like you," Kathy said fixing the blanket around her little man, "You know, I was thinking that maybe we should call him little El," Kathy said grinning.

"Yeah?" Elliot asked shocked.

"Yeah," Kathy said smiling up at him, "When this whole White thing is over," She said glancing at the uniform posted outside of the room, "I want a second chance with you Elliot." She didn't know what came over her, maybe it was the drugs, or maybe it was witnessing Elliot hold his little boy in his large masculine arms; but whatever it was she decided that she didn't want to lose him.

Elliot smiled sympathetically down at her in the hospital bed, he took a seat next to her, "Kath, things aren't going to change. I'm still going to be gone all the time. My work is my passion, and I'm not ready to give it up yet," He handed the baby to Kathy and stood up rubbing his hands through his hair, "I don't know if I'll ever be ready to give her up."

Kathy's eyes went wide; she looked at her husband who clearly had no idea of his Freudian slip up, "Uh, ok…" She said as she shifted and repositioned the baby. She felt a cold shiver run through her, and she tried everything she could to keep herself cool and collective.

"Feeding time!" A nurse interrupted. Elliot moved out of her way and walked into the hallway.

He thought about what he just said, he told Kathy he didn't want to get back together with her. Not only that, he blamed it on the job, which was a stretch of the truth to say the least, because he damned well knew that it wasn't the job keeping him from his wife; but more the person who had sat across from him for the past 9 years. The woman who had supported him, fought with him, helped him, saved his life, saved him from himself, the woman who--

"Hey Daddy," His oldest daughter said and interrupted his thoughts.

"Hey sweetheart," He said pulling her into a hug.

"The baby is beautiful isn't he?" She asked as her eyes sparkled.

"He is," Elliot agreed.

"He's so lucky to have a Daddy like you," Maureen said.

"You really mean that, Mo?" Elliot asked nervously.

"Of course I mean that Daddy! I can't imagine a better father then you."

"But I wasn't around a lot," Elliot heard himself saying.

"It's not like you up and left us, Daddy! You were there, just because you missed a birthday here or there doesn't mean you were terrible father, Dad. You have to forgive yourself." She said patting him on the shoulder and walking into the room.

EOEOEOEOEO

Olivia sat in the bathroom trying to think of a plan. She occasionally thought of Simon and the family she came so close to having, but she never let herself go too far down that road. She knew White was going to get to Elliot before he got to her. She knew that, and she knew she had to stop that. She couldn't let that happen, no, she wouldn't let that happen!

She wiped her tear stained cheeks and stood up, she knew what she had to do; and she knew exactly how she was going to do it.

EOEOEOEO

"Hey you got a lighter?" She asked Lake, the only one in the bull pen.

"I didn't know you smoked." Lake said as he pulled a book of matches out from his drawer, "Will these do?" He asked.

"They'll be fine," Olivia said placing them in her pocket with no intention of using them, "I'll be on the roof." She told him and began to walk away.

"Wait, Benson." Lake said getting out of his chair and following her, "I'm not supposed to leave you alone."

"Relax, Chester. I'm just going to the roof; even Elliot lets me do that." She said with a wink.

Liar.

"Ah," Lake began,Olivia could tell he was debating it, and she felt guilty for what she was about to do to him; but she had no choice.

"I'll be fine," She said with a smile and walked past Elliot's locker, being sneaky so that Lake thought it was her own locker, she quickly undid his combination lock, opened it up and threw something in it and headed for the stairs.

Only instead of going up the stairs to the roof, she took them down.

EOEOEOEOEOEO

"It was Olivia wasn't it?" Kathy asked as she watched Elliot change her son.

"Huh?" He asked confused.

"The woman you fell in love with when we were separated, it was Olivia, wasn't it?" When he didn't say anything Kathy continued, "All those years you denied it, but I knew, you know? I knew there was another reason keeping you at the job. When that old guy retired you said you were only going to stay long enough to break in the rookie, well it's been 9 years El, don't you think she's ready?"

"I didn't sleep with Olivia when we were separated, Kath" He said in a monotone voice.

"That's not what I asked," Kathy said under her breath, but was relieved to hear that he in fact did not sleep with her.

"What?"

"Nothing."

EOEOEOEOEO

"Stabler."

"Can you get back to the station?" Cragen asked.

"On my way," Elliot said kissing the baby and passing him to Kathy.

"Be careful, Elliot!" Kathy called out to him, "This baby needs his father."

"What do you got?" Elliot asked as he walked down the hallway.

"I'll tell you when you get here," Cragen said, but his voice was off, something wasn't right and Elliot picked up on it right away.

"Tell me now," He demanded and he began to take longer strides.

"It's Benson." Cragen said, not Olivia. Olivia was too personal; Benson was detaching Olivia from the situation. Benson was the strong Detective that took no shit from nobody, Benson could handle herself. Olivia however was a woman, vulnerable and stubborn at the same time. Cragen should have known that it didn't matter what he called her, she would always be his Liv.

"Where is she?" He demanded as he sprinted down the steps of the hospital to the parking garage. Blood pulsed through his veins, and sweat formed all over his body, and panic…panic hit him full force. He barely got the key in the ignition before his foot was on the pedal pressing as far down as it would go.

"WHERE IS SHE?" Elliot erupted when Cragen didn't answer him fast enough.

"We think she went to find White."

"SHE WHAT? HOW COULD YOU LET HER DO THAT? WHO WAS WATCHING HER?"

"Elliot, calm down right now!" Cragen demanded.

"Do we know for a fact that she took off on her own?" Elliot asked praying that she did go off on her own. As stupid as it was, it was better than the alternative.

"Yeah, we're pretty sure."

"Stubborn sonova bitch!" he yelled into the phone, "I'll be there as fast as I can." He said and hung up his phone.

EOEOEOEOEO

She got into the cab and headed straight to the rent-a-car center. She gave them her real name in hopes that White would tract her down and not Elliot. She didn't want him involved in this.

She thought about him on the long drive upstate. Wondered if they had a boy or a girl. She hoped a boy, Elliot needed another boy. She laughed thinking that it was probably a girl, poor El.

She remembered the last time she and Elliot made this trip. She had been so new at the time, it felt like a lifetime ago. She wasn't that person anymore; but who would be after 9 years of being in Special Victims? They had played car games the entire ride, something that they still do to this day. She wonders if he plays them with his kids, she wonders if Kathy plays too.

She places her hand on the back of her neck, thinking about the events that are to follow her trip to Richard Whites mother's house. Whatever happens Elliot will be safe, his family will be safe. This is why she is doing this, she reminds herself as she places her foot on the gas. She won't allow herself to cry, or think of Simon, she can't right now. She doesn't trust herself. She thinks about Elliot and his family and how they will have a chance at a happier life together. As much as it stings her heart, she knows it will warm Elliot's.

EOEOEO

"She doesn't even smoke!" Elliot roared at Lake, "How could you be so stupid!" He said as his temper flared.

"Elliot!" Cragen said again, "You calm down or you are off this case!" He warned. Elliot took a few breaths and sat down in his chair, "Now if we can act like respectable Detectives, let's figure out where she would go. Elliot you know her best, get inside of her head." Don said and walked away to take a phone call.

Elliot looked over at Lake; the poor thing looked like he was going to cry, "Look, I'm sorry man. She knew what she was doing; she was using your newbie status because she knew she could. God, she's so stubborn." Elliot said leaning back in his chair.

"If we don't find her---" Lake began his voice cracking just a bit.

"Don't." Elliot said holding up his hand for him to stop, "Just don't, I can't think about that right now."

"We're going to find her, Elliot." Munch said getting out of his chair and patting Elliot on the shoulder.

"Thanks, Munch." Elliot said.

"Now if you were Olivia where would you go?" He asked sitting down at Olivia's desk.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, man?" Elliot asked his temper rising to the surface again, "Get off!"

Munch held up his hands in defense, "I'm just seeing if she left any clues." Munch said getting up from her desk.

"She wouldn't leave them in her desk…" Elliot said as the little light bulb went off in his head and he jolted up and ran to his locker. He spun the lock around for the correct combination, it took him twice to do it his hands were just a little shaky, "Yes," He said softly as he saw the pink piece of paper that he knew was Olivia's.

He didn't know why but he didn't want anyone else to read it, if it was something she wanted the whole squad to see she would have left it on Cragen's desk, but she didn't. She thoughtfully went into his locker, and left him a note! It had his name on it, no one else's. His hands shook almost uncontrollably as he opened it up.

Elliot,

First of all, just calm down. I know you are upset and probably have already chewed out Lake. It wasn't his fault; please make sure you apologize to him.

Secondly, yes I think I have finally lost my mind.

This is the only way El, he wants me. Me, not you. And I can't put your life or your families' life in danger, you mean too much to me. Jesus, Elliot I don't know what I would do with out you...

Please try and understand.

Love,

Olivia

PS: When I get back I'll let you yell at me as much as you want, just don't follow me okay? Remember it's me he wants; he just wants to use you to get to me. I promise I will be safe and sound.

Elliot held back the tears that had filled his eyes. 'God damn her' he thought, 'why does she think her life is less important because she doesn't have a family?'

"You okay, Elliot?" Munch asked.

He turned around to see the whole squad staring at him. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry, he read the letter over again, especially the part that read, 'Love, Olivia.'

"Not until we find her safe and sound will I be okay." He said and took a seat at his desk. He picked up his phone, "Morales, I need your help. I need you to run Olivia's credits cards."