Chapter 21

Memory

Edward's elegant scrawl was splattered all over in the book in front of me. I had been looking for a piece of paper to write to Charlie when I had come across this notebook in the drawer of the desk. It wouldn't hurt to take a peek, I decided. I let it fall open to a random page and began reading.

As much as I hate to admit it, I understand why she has been so adamant about becoming eternally damned. She knows - though not through any form of explanation from me - but somehow she knows the internal struggles I face every time I touch her:

Knowing full well that she is not mine to touch, and that my unnatural presence is interfering in the natural course her life would have taken tortures me. I want only what is best for her, but I selfishly do everything in my power to make sure that that includes my presence. I cannot bear to be away from her, but its so irresponsible of me to repeatedly put her in the constant danger I cause with my very presence. The longing for the liquid-life running rapidly through her luscious veins is so appetizing, its nearly impossible to resist. But even more impossible to resist is her. Every touch sends protests of restrained passion through my every limb. I long to touch every inch of her warm, delicate skin and feel her all around me, but the fear that accompanies that lust is too much of a risk for me. She is so breakable. One wrong move from me and that could end her.

Another reason that she wants to become a vampire. She wants to be less breakable. I fantasize endlessly about the day that I can do to Bella what I have dreamt of without being afraid of harming her, but her clumsy breakability and her accident prone tendencies are some of my favorites of Bella's characteristics. I am not in love with her perfection nearly as much as I am in love with her flaws, but I am willing to admit in the security of these pages that I long for the day that she is more durable and I don't spend every second that I am away from her worrying about her life. On the same token, when she does become a vampire.. I will never have to leave her side at all….. But how I will miss her warmth and her ability to let the blood color her cheeks when she's embarrassed or ashamed. How I will miss that gentle heartbeat that is the very symbol of her life that she is so eager to remove completely.

The moment that her heart stops beating will be the most bittersweet moment of my existence. Her heart beat is in a way my own. She is still alive, and as selfish as it is for me to admit it, I find that I am living through her. Her heart is beating for both of us, and when her humanity ceases to exist anymore it will be because of me. Her biggest gift in this world will be ripped from her unjustly in order for her to present me with the biggest gift in my world ; her.

She thinks of her self far too little. She is so caught up in pleasing me, and when she does focus on her own desires, usually it is a desire that I also entertain. Just to think that a short time ago I had been without her makes me cringe. How could I have made through every day without this beautiful and undeniably precious being at my side.

She is my life, now. Nothing else matters to me as much as she does, but I don't deserve this happiness she so selflessly gifts me with. I am a monster, and she is an angel. Every moment I spend with her is turning heaven against hell and rearranging the plans set out for both of us.

But I can't leave her, ever again. My love for her is now the biggest part of me, and to remove that part would undoubtedly result in my painful and lonely demise.

I depend on her for a reason to live now. Is this as wrong as it feels?

I set down the open pages and turned back to the door as Edward walked in. His eyes looked from me to the large notebook sitting open before me and smiled sheepishly.

"Reading my journal, Bella?"

"Is that what this is?"

"Yes."

"It's beautiful." I admitted.

"Of course it is, its about you." He chuckled back.

"How do you know, I could have been reading about something else." I pointed out hopefully.

"No, Bella. You couldn't have. I never began writing in that journal until I met you. In fact, the first entry is on the very day I met you."

"Do you still write in it now?" I asked.

"Not as much as I used to. I always used to write in it while you were asleep or away in La Push, but there's not as much time for it anymore."

"I'm sorry" I apologized.

He laughed, "Bella! Do you think I would rather spend time writing about you than actually being with you?"

I shrugged.

He moved to my side and crouched next to my chair.

"Of course not. Silly Bella, I live for spending time with you."

I smiled. "So I gathered from this." I gestured to the pages in front of me.

His eyes briefly scanned the pages.

"Ah, that was after Italy….shortly before I proposed to you I believe. The night before, in fact." He nodded.

"Oh." I let my eyes wander longingly over the pages again.

"You can read it, you know. What's mine is yours." He offered.

"I would like that." I agreed.

He scooped me off of the chair with one hand and grabbed the notebook with the other before crossing the room to the cushion that was our bed. He settled himself into the middle of it and I snuggled onto his lap as he paged through the journal.

"This was the day that I met you." He offered.

"I took the journal in my hands and began reading the much shorter passage he was pointing out."

I swear, this girl has been conjured straight from my own hell to torture me into revealing my family. No one on earth should be allowed to smell that delicious. Carlisle says that she is my "singer" …. whatever that means. I don't care what she is, but I'm determined that she has been sent here to ruin me. I tried changing my classes today, but that was a lost cause. All I can do is flee. I have to leave, and I have to leave right now. Every second more I spend in this town where she lives is a danger to my family. Her father is the police chief…. Its as if that was meant to be some ironic twist to the story, I couldn't even get away with killing her without a hefty investigation.

If I would have just met her in a dark alley in New York it would have made no difference to me, she would have been just another notch on my stick. But even then, she would have been different. There isn't an evil bone in her body. She is the purest thing I have ever smelled, her only evil is being so unjustly tempting.

I will go to Denali for a while maybe…….no. I will go… well I don't know where I will go. I will just go there. Anywhere away from here.

I looked up when I had finished it. He winced, expecting me to question him.

"A dark alley in New York, huh?" I giggled.

"Bella, you are so peculiar. You just read that I wished I had had the opportunity to kill you at another time and you are laughing at it."

I giggled again.

He sighed and shook his head at me before turning to another page.

I can't go back. I know that, but why do I have such a burning desire to see her again. Its not the thirst, like it should be. Its another reason entirely. A part of me, an unfamiliar part, wants to make sure that she is…… alive. I am concerned for her well being. The very thing that has driven me from my family is the very thing whose life I feel obligated to protect even though my direct urge whenever I am close to her is to kill her.

I'm going back. I have a feeling I will regret this.

"I was wrong you know," He started.

I looked at him questioningly.

"About regretting my return, I was wrong." He whispered as he pressed his lips to my forehead. He flipped to another page without looking.

I can't have her. I can't torture her any more. This is the hardest decision I have ever made, but her life came so close to extinction last night. Its not Jaspers fault by any means. Its my own fault for not being more careful, but I can't put her in danger any more.

If I could cry, this page would be underwater right now. All that I can do is convince the only thing in this world that I want and love…. That I don't want her, or love her anymore.

She wont believe me. I have told her otherwise far too many times, but I have to try.

Its for her own good.

She will forget me, and she will move on.

Many years from now, when my presence will go unnoticed, I will return to see her one last time with her husband and children. I will make sure she is happy, and then I will go see the Volturi about my death. I can not die until I know she is happy, but I cannot continue existing without being with her.

"You were going to kill yourself anyways if I ever moved on?" I frowned at him.

"Yes."

"And you call me peculiar." I scowled.

He opened it to another page

Sometimes at night I just lay there and stare at her without blinking until she opens her eyes. Sometimes I can't even look at her at all. I know I shouldn't be here, but I know I can't leave again. She never got over me like I had planned. I saw it in Jacob Black's mind. The pain that she had been in through every second I was gone. I have stepped into her life, and even though I would like to set it back to the way it would have been, Its impossible now. I have an unintentional hold over her and she will never accept anything other than me.

She risked her life in Italy to save mine, even though she thought I didn't want her.

That is love.

I had no response to this entry. He monitored my silent revel for a moment before kissing my forehead again and turning the page.

Engaged. Its such a human term, but there it is, hanging over my head. Embarrassed as she was, she didn't hesitate to say yes. Bella will be my wife. And then, shortly after…. I will change her. Just as I promised. I only wish there was a way that I could become mortal instead of the other way around.

Before I had even spoken, he turned the page to the next.

The happiest moment of my life, (even happier than when Bella punched Jacob) was when the words "I do." left her lips and I knew she was mine forever.

We had sex tonight. I don't know how I managed to control myself, but I did it. It made me even more anxious for her to become less breakable, with all caution out of the way it will be much easier for me to make love to her. I look upon this beautiful woman laying beside me and I know that there must be a God. He may not be very fond of us vampires, but for such perfection to live within a human body like Bella's…. there was a hand of God in the creating of this……

My wife.

Bella Cullen.

"Is that the last one?"

"Yes. I didn't write during your change, even though I wanted to. I couldn't leave your side."

I nodded and returned my gaze to the pages in front of me.

"I love you." He whispered into my ear.

"I know you do." I closed my eyes. "I love you too."

He lifted my chin gently and pressed his lips to my own.