Chapter 5 – Nightmares and Stowaways
The first thing Zuko registered upon regaining consciousness was the pain. It felt like there was a jagged hole in his chest where his heart used to be. With every breath he took, it ached.
He groaned, and reached a hand up to clutch at his chest. To his surprise, his fingers only scraped against bare skin. There was no wound.
The second thing he noticed was the sound of waves crashing, very nearby. He cracked open an eye, and immediately closed it against the bright light of the rising sun, groaning in protest. He raised a sluggish arm to shield his eyes, and tried again.
He was half buried in sand with waves lapping at his calves. The irony of finding himself in such a position was not lost on him. It seemed like an age had passed since he'd found Katara in much the same situation.
Katara… thinking about her brought on such a strong wave of longing that Zuko gasped, and clutched at his chest. Thinking about her ached, so he promptly cast her from his mind. It wasn't easy, but then again Zuko had plenty of practice purposefully ignoring painful truths.
He struggled to sit up, his body just wanted to curl up into a ball against the pain, but Zuko gritted his teeth and forced himself.
There is no wound, the pincer just passed through me like nothing, I'm fine. He told himself. He wasn't very unconvincing.
He got to his feet unsteadily, and ordered himself to put one foot in front of the other.
Need to find Katara… His knees nearly buckled because of the intensity of the ache in his chest.
Need to find Uncle. He quickly amended, mentally scolding himself.
He stumbled away from the water, but something caught his eye, rays of early morning light striking the object at an angle that made it glitter.
When he recognised what it was, he fell to his knees, and reached out with a shaking hand to lift it from the sand.
It was one broken half of Katara's necklace. No, her mother's necklace. Zuko amended. It was just the shiny polished stone, the soft blue strap having burned up completely during the exorcism. The ache in Zuko's chest intensified as he ran his fingers over the grooves of the carvings.
The crack had split the designs, and Zuko held the half which bore three gently curving lines. The other half, which bore three spirals, was nowhere to be seen.
Zuko could easily recall what it was supposed to look like whole from the time the necklace had spent in his possession after Katara had lost it, and he had found it. Back then, he had often examined the simple design, tracing the smooth grooves with his fingertips and marvelling at the way it would catch the light and seem to gleam from within.
This necklace was important to Katara… and he had broken it.
He thought about threatening the southern water tribe, tying Katara to a tree, attacking her with the shirshu… He gasped as the ache in his chest intensified, and a strong wave a self-loathing swept through him. Stronger even than when he thought of speaking out of turn at war meetings, or the Agni Kai against his father
His determination crumbled and he curled into a ball of misery and guilt, the stone clutched tightly in a fist that was solidly pressed to his chest; as if he could use it to fill the aching chasm where his heart used to be.
Where was Katara now? Was she safe? Was she happy? Suddenly Katara's safety and happiness were of paramount importance to him, and it was terrifying. He was startled out of his agitated thoughts by a yell.
"Zuko!" It was Iroh.
Zuko forced himself to uncurl. He shoved the stone into his robe, and it settled against the skin of his chest like a shard of ice – cool to touch and difficult to ignore.
He steeled himself to ignore the pain, and sat up.
Iroh rushed across the beach towards him. Zuko gritted his teeth and staggered to his feet once more. When Iroh reached him, he snatched Zuko up in a fierce hug.
"I'm so glad! Are you okay!?"
"I'm fine Uncle, you can let go of me…" Zuko mumbled, patting Iroh on the shoulder reluctantly.
Iroh sat back, wiping his eyes.
"Forgive me, I… I feared you were dead…" said Iroh, staring carefully into Zuko face. Zuko opened his mouth to say something, anything, but no sound came out. He looked away from Iroh's teary eyes uncomfortably.
"Nephew, look at me," said Iroh gently, placing a weathered old hand on each of his shoulders.
"Zuko… what is it? You look confused, oh dear, how many fingers am I holding up?" Zuko ignored Iroh's hand and tried to put his confused thoughts into words that made sense.
"…you would… you would be upset…?" he questioned haltingly.
Now Iroh looked confused. Zuko thought it was obvious.
"I… I don't have my honor back yet Uncle." There isn't anything to be upset about until I get it back. I'm practically worthless without it.
Zuko met his gaze with difficulty. Iroh looked sad. Sadder than Zuko could remember seeing him.
"Come on. Let's get you cleaned up. We must talk."
Zuko let Iroh lead him back to town, and ushered him into a cheap inn. Iroh refused to discuss anything with Zuko until he let Iroh clean up his injuries.
It turned out he had a broken rib, a black eye, a concussion, and countless cuts, scrapes and bruises.
The pain of those injuries had nothing on the invisible gaping hole in his chest, but Zuko was reluctant to share those feelings with Iroh. He felt like if he acknowledged it, it would make it more real. Better to ignore it, and hope it would go away in time. There wasn't even a visible wound to treat, Iroh wouldn't be able to do anything anyway.
The pain of having his ribs taped up, and having alcohol poured all over his cuts was a welcome distraction.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news," said Iroh gravely, once he was satisfied with the treatment of Zuko's injuries. He looked sad again, which made Zuko apprehensive.
"I couldn't find a trace of the waterbender… I fear she died in the blast." The dull pain in his chest gave a sharp pang and both hands automatically reached up to clutch at the flesh there, trying to assuage the emptiness.
"Her name is Katara," it came out sharper than he intended.
"Zuko, are you okay?"
"Yes. I'm fine. She survived the blast, I saw her," he snapped. Iroh's eyebrows shot up.
"How?"
"I don't want to talk about it!" Zuko snarled, as the pain in his chest ramped up another notch. It was all he could do to prevent himself from crying out. His nails dug into his flesh, and his breathing was laboured.
Iroh gave him a piercing look, clearly deciding whether it was worth it to press the issue. He sighed.
"We both know Zhao commissioned those pirates to blow up your ship," he said, "Zhao means to lead an invasion of the Northern Water Tribe. The Avatar is heading there to seek out a master to teach him waterbending, and Zhao aims to capture him."
Zuko nodded, grateful for the change of subject.
"I want to go north too," he said.
"You don't have a ship anymore, how will you go?"
"Zhao has hundreds of ships. I'll stowaway."
"Are you sure Zuko? Zhao has already tried to kill you more than once. I know you want to capture the Avatar, but a mission like this could cost you your life."
To Zuko's shock, he hadn't even been thinking about the Avatar when he said he wanted to go north. He didn't understand why, but he felt a tug, deep in his chest, like he needed to go north to find a piece of himself.
"I'm sure," he said instead.
Iroh accepted Zhao's offer to accompany him on the Siege as an advisor and general. It was easy to sneak onto the flagship in pilfered fire-army armor after that.
During the day Zuko wandered around the ship in a haze of pain, and at night he shivered with cold in the cargo hold, despite the temperature being positively balmy. They were nowhere near polar waters yet.
He could barely bring himself to eat, and he could hardly sleep. The ache in his chest was too distracting. Every time he managed to nod off, he would wake up clawing at his chest in a panic before remembering that the gaping hole was just in his head.
Finally, five days into the voyage, just when he thought his sanity would snap if something didn't give, he very suddenly fell unconscious…
He was in a building made of ice, an impressive building the likes of which he'd never seen in his life. He was at the bottom of icy steps, staring up at a smug looking watertribe man. Zuko disliked him on sight. He looked about Iroh's age, with a very thin white moustache and beady eyes. He was so focused on the man's infuriatingly smug expression, and he almost didn't notice the other important looking people seated around him.
"I'm waiting little girl," said the smug old man condescendingly.
"No! No way am I apologising to a sour old man like you!" Zuko yelled. Except it wasn't Zuko yelling, they weren't his words, Katara was saying them. He was just along for the ride, looking through her eyes.
"Can none of you comprehend that we are at war for our very right to exist!? The Southern Water Tribe basically doesn't exist anymore, how long do you think it'll be until they come for you?" she pointed accusingly at the sour old man, "You are so hung up on antiquated traditions that you're willing to sabotage the world's best hope for peace. Aang is the last hope of ending the war, and if you don't teach him, you're dooming everyone. We will all be consumed by fire and balance will never be restored!"
One of the men on the dais stood and tried to speak.
"Now that's enough from you young lady-"
"I wasn't finished!" Katara cut him off with a violent movement of her arms. Several ornamental vases around the room exploded, and water spilled everywhere.
The man quickly sat back down, apparently losing his nerve.
Everyone stared down at her apprehensively. Everyone except the sour old man, whose arms were crossed and eyes were narrowed.
"I am the last waterbender of the Southern Water Tribe. The very last. Do you know what happened to the rest of the waterbenders?"
The people up on the dais before her shifted uncomfortably.
"The firenation raided us over, and over, and over again until I was the only one left. And no, they didn't care whether they were taking male or female waterbenders."
Katara said her next words in a low venomous tone.
"When they start raiding you, when they start taking away your benders, one by one, I hope it comforts you Pakku that you refused to teach the Avatar and the very last waterbender of the Southern Water Tribe."
She continued, voice dripping with sarcasm and gaining volume, "The world as you know it will end, but at least you prevented a girl from learning about her heritage and using the abilities she was born with. At least you extinguished the ability to bend from the Southern Water Tribe. At least you prevented the Avatar from mastering all four elements and ending the war!"
"You insolent child, you are speaking on matters you have no understanding of-" hissed Pakku, but Katara was not cowed. The icy floor around her cracked with the force of her anger.
"I have no understanding of!? Have any of you fought firenation soilders?! Have any of you seen first-hand the way the firenation treats it's colonies?! Have any of you lived through a firenation raid?! Have any of you seen someone you love burned to ash by a firebender!?" Katara's voice cracked.
The sour old man was still unmoved.
"I have travelled across the world and I've seen and experienced the full extent of this war while you were all up here hiding behind your ice wall! I deserve to learn how to defend myself!"
"You should have stayed in the Southern Water tribe. Your time would be better spent making more benders I could actually train." Her anger made the steps of the dais crack, and everyone but Pakku yelped in alarm.
"WHAT A GREAT IDEA, WORLD IS AT WAR AND I'M A BENDER WILLING TO FIGHT, BUT NOOOO, INSTEAD LET'S BRING AN INNOCENT CHILD INTO THE MIDDLE OF IT ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT IT'S A BOY!" Katara yelled.
Pakku's composure finally cracked.
"You don't get to come here and demand that we change the traditions we have lived by for generations!" he exclaimed heatedly.
"Last I checked, water is the element of adaptability and versatility. The world has changed; we are at war. Knowing how to fight is a matter of life or death. Your stupid traditions need to change to reflect that!"
"…She kind of has a point…" mumbled one of the other men on the dais. Pakku glared at him.
"What? She does…" he whispered defensively.
"While you argue about whether the world is worth saving, I'll be outside waiting for you Pakku, if you're man enough to fight me!" everyone gasped in shock.
Katara turned on her heel and stormed outside in high dudgeon.
"Are you crazy Katara, you're not going to win this fight!" it was her brother, struggling to keep up with her harried pace.
"I know! I don't care!" Katara shucked off her outer coat and threw it roughly at him. He caught it with his face.
"You don't have to do this for me. I can find another teacher," it was the avatar, and his young face was open and earnest.
"I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it to make a point. Someone needs to slap some sense into that guy."
Zuko felt the cold, and he felt Katara's deep calming breaths.
He also felt a terrible overwhelming fear. He felt sick with it. He wanted to scream at Katara, to shake her, or take her far away. How could she challenge a master like that? Didn't she know what could happen to her?
But Katara was fearless. She stood proud and tall, waiting with barely concealed impatience.
Finally, Master Pakku sauntered out of the building, looking cool and collected. Zuko wished he was there himself. He wished he could stand between Katara and this cold cold man, but all he could do was watch the events unfold as a passive bystander.
"Are you ready to fight?" Katara all but snarled.
"It is beneath my dignity me to yield to the outrageous demands of a spoiled little girl," he stated, not even breaking his stride or turning his head.
Zuko could practically feel the vein throbbing in Katara's forehead.
"Go back to the healing huts with the other women where you belong," his voice oozed condescension, and it was the last straw for Katara.
She lashed out with a stream of water, whipping the old man in the head.
He stopped abruptly, and he went dangerously still.
"Fine. You want to learn how to fight? Watch closely!"
Zuko watched in horror as Pakku drew up two thick streams of water from nearby pools, gracefully twisting the water through the air to blast it at Katara violently.
Katara ran straight at the stream, hitting it head on. The water threw her high up into the air, but she flipped and landed on her feet.
Pakku bent a think circle of fast moving water around the two of them, trapping Katara within. The circle got smaller as Pakku moved his arms faster…
"Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you," Pakku tone was patronising.
Katara lashed out with an arm and broke the circle. She charged Pakku, but he bent a defensive wall of ice in her way. Katara slid over the ice, flipping high over the wall and landing as nimbly as a cat.
Pakku tried to blast her off her feet again with a thick stream of water, but Katara froze her feet to the floor and neutralised the blast with her bending.
"You can't knock me down!" she cried, and then she attacked. She turned his ice block to water and struck at him with the ferocity of a catagator.
To Zuko, it was obvious that she had hardly any experience in hand-to-hand combat; the way she attached was raw and passionate rather than calculated and precise. Pakku kept clear of all her blows with ease. He swept her into a nearby fountain with a wave of water.
Katara got back up immediately, and raised a round platform of ice in front of herself. She swept her hands over the top to fire thin ice discs at Pakku's throat. Zuko was satisfied to see one narrowly miss Pakku's neck.
Katara leapt out of the fountain and hurled a stream of water at Pakku, but he redirected the water around himself, and fired it right back at her, knocking her off her feet.
By now, Katara was panting with exertion, but she still got back to her feet. She grasped the water in two ornamental pillars of stacked pots, and pulled with her bending, bringing the pots and water crashing down on Pakku's head.
Zuko was disappointed that when the dust cleared, Pakku was standing there as if nothing had happened.
"Well, I'm impressed. You are an excellent waterbender…" he was smirking as he said it.
"But you still won't teach me, will you?" replied Katara bitterly.
"No."
With a violent twist of her arms, Katara sent a wave of ice at Pakku.
Pakku leap over it, and raised an answering icy wave, which he rode towards her. Katara tried to knock him of balancef with a waterwhip, but Pakku batted it aside and repurposed the water to fuel his wave.
He knocked Katara bodily to the ground, and she landed hard, momentum carrying her until she rolled to a halt.
She got to her feet just in time for Zuko to see Pakku moving his arms in a complicated pattern.
It was a finishing move. Zuko could tell. Pakku had the same look in his eye that Ozai had just before he burned Zuko's face.
He willed Katara to move faster, to get out of the way. He tried to scream at her to watch out, but she couldn't hear him. He tried to scream at Pakku to show mercy, Katara had fought with honor, but he could make no sound.
A rain of ice spikes came down, and Zuko was sure that every single one would impale Katara's body…
For a moment, she was still, and Zuko thought his heart would stop and never start again.
But then she looked up, and started to struggle.
Zuko couldn't believe it, and he certainly didn't understand it, but Katara was unhurt.
"This fight is over," declared Pakku, sauntering away from an entrapped Katara calmly.
"Come back here! I'm not finished with you!" Katara shrieked.
"Yes, you are."
Suddenly Pakku stopped, and bent to pick something up from the snow. He examined it closely, turning the item over in his hands.
"This is part of my necklace..." he choked.
"No its not! Give it back!" demanded Katara.
"I made this sixty years ago," insisted Pakku, "For the love of my life… for Kana," he said her name reverently, and the ice encasing Katara splashed harmlessly to the ground as water…
Zuko woke with a start, jolting upright with his heart racing and his hands shaking. The dream had come on so suddenly, and had been so vivid. His dreams were never so colorful and realistic, which made him suspect that it was not really a dream.
He lay back down heavily, and found himself actually able to drop off into a proper slumber for the first time since he had found Katara washed up on the beach.
When he woke at dawn the next morning, his was head clearer and his appetite had somewhat returned even though the ache in his chest was still as present as ever. However, he felt more up to the task of ignoring it.
After pilfering food from the gallery, Zuko moved on to his usual wandering around the ship aimlessly portion of the day. Even though it made the edges of the gaping hole in his chest prickle and twinge, Zuko couldn't help but think about the dream as he went.
The way Katara had spoken so passionately… it reminded Zuko uncomfortably of his thirteen-year-old self. The way she fought the sour old master bender however, was nothing like him. She fought with courage and honor whereas Zuko had been too weak to fight at all.
He felt sick when he thought about some of the things she had said about the Firenation though… Surely, she misunderstood? The Earth Kingdom colonies were lucky to have the Firenation there, sharing their superior technology and culture.
The Firenation didn't want to destroy the rest of the world, they wanted to help the rest of the world by sharing their greatness. It wasn't the Firenation's fault that some people didn't know what was good for them.
If the Firenation doesn't want to destroy the rest of the world, why is a fleet of a hundred ships heading towards the Southern Water Tribe? Asked an inconvenient voice in his head. It was the same quiet voice that had demanded he stand up and speak out at that ill-fated war meeting.
How about the Southern Water Tribe? No benders, no men. Sure didn't look like Firenation interference benefited them.
Zuko quashed the voice ruthlessly. Whenever he listened to it, it only got him trouble and that line of thinking was giving him a headache to match his heartache.
The rest of the voyage passed quickly and uneventfully.
To Zuko's great relief, as time went on and they neared their destination, the pain in his chest receded bit by bit. He even felt less cold, which was strange because they were getting closer and closer to the frigid temperatures of the North Pole.
He didn't have any more vivid dreams about Katara, but she was featured with alarming frequency in his regular dreams in ways that made him wake up shaking and gasping with stabbing pains in his chest.
He dreamed he couldn't find her when they were flung into the ocean from his ship. She drowned, and he found her body washed up on the beach the next day.
He dreamed he locked Katara in his room when he left to check the bridge, and that she died in the explosion.
He dreamed a black-eyed Katara cracked open his chest and ripped his still-beating heart from within.
He dreamed that the sour old watertribe man impaled Katara with long icy spikes, rather than just trapping her, leaving red red footprints in the snow as he sauntered away.
He was thankful that there was no repeat of the stunning reality of the first dream.
Finally, the day came when Iroh sidled up to him and whispered, "We will be landing soon. Have you got a plan?"
Truthfully, he had no plan whatsoever. He'd been too preoccupied with his thoughts. He didn't tell Iroh this though.
"I'm working on it Uncle," he said with much more confidence than he felt, and then they parted ways.
Iroh thought he was trying to capture the Avatar, but Zuko wasn't sure what he was trying to do anymore. The Avatar was barely on his mind anymore. His drive to find and capture him seemed to be just… gone.
Zuko had to constantly remind himself of his lost honor, whereas before it was all he could think about sometimes.
When they arrived within striking distance of the Southern Water Tribe, and the fighting started, Zuko fretted.
There was nothing he could do until the cover of darkness. Sitting on the ship twiddling his thumbs while Katara was possibly being smashed by fiery rocks re-awoke the ache in his chest with a vengeance. He was so worried that he didn't even bother trying to tell himself he was just worried that the Avatar would get killed before he could capture him.
By the time night fell, he was anxious to be on his way. Luckily, the ships laid anchor, deciding to wait for sunrise to resume the attack.
Iroh met him at the launch bay, catching him just as he was ready to cast off in one of the lifeboats.
"If you are fishing for an octopus my nephew, you need a tightly woven net or he will squeeze through the tiniest hole and escape."
"I don't need your wisdom right now Uncle," Zuko replied. He wasn't in the right head-space to interpret Iroh's riddles. Although pain in his chest was greatly diminished, he felt fevered, frantic, like he was standing on the edge of a precipice. The feeling had been building the closer they got to the pole.
He was anxious to be on his way, something in the Northern Water tribe fortress was calling to him.
"I'm sorry, I just nag because… well, ever since I lost my son…" Iroh trailed off, voice thick with emotion.
"Uncle, you don't have to say it…"
"I think of you as my own."
"I know Uncle," it surprised Zuko that he did know. Iroh was probably the only person in the world that would be sad if something happened to him. Iroh didn't have to accompany Zuko when he got banished. He chose to. Zuko never realized before, but that meant something. Something he was only just beginning to understand.
"We'll meet again," Zuko bowed, trying to put all his feelings of respect and gratitude into the gesture, but Iroh rushed forward and pulled him into a hug.
"After I have…" Zuko floundered for a moment, unsure how he was going to finish his sentence; "Just afterwards," he finished awkwardly, extricating himself from Iroh's jasmine-scented embrace. He got in the boat and started to lower himself down.
"Remember your breath of fire; it could save your life out there," Iroh called down to him softly.
"I will."
"And put your hood up! Keep your ears warm!"
"I'll be fine!"
When his tiny boat hit the water, Zuko unclasped the ropes keeping it tethered to the ship, and took up the oars to start rowing towards the great icy wall ahead.
Here seems like a good place to stop, the chapter was getting long. Zuko is a bit confused and a lot in denial! Sorry for any typos, it's late and I decided to just post without editing as carefully as I usually try to. I may fix it up some more later. Thanks for all the reviews! I love to read them! Please tell me what you think! Any guesses for what you think will happen in the next chapter? All the reasons why Zuko is acting like this and feels the way he does towards Katara will be explained very soon, I promise I've thought it through and that there are reasons!