"We should have a dildo fight."

"Eddie, what the fuck."

You would think it would be fun working at a job like Spencer's. There's tons of fun shit to do- drinking games, pranks and shit, and… eating edible underwear- but, it's really boring as fuck. No one comes in besides some college kids looking for a fun time but they are few and far in between. Most parents don't even let their kids in and they've gotten a shit ton of complaints over the years. Eddie and Wyatt, however, don't let it get to them. In fact, they improvise when the going gets rough. When life gives them lemonade, they make lemons or however that shit went. Maybe they got that confused… Anyway, they improvised.

The whole dildo fight thing was Eddie's idea. He was convinced it would be the next lightsaber battle trend that would pop-up across America. You and a friend grab a dildo of any size and start swinging. Whoever gets hit has to take a shot. In an hour everyone's shit faced. It's fucking awesome and a super cool party game. He was the dildo master! The trick is you got to use those big ass purple ones; they aren't too floppy and they're big enough that you can get some decent jabs in. Eddie had been thinking of patenting it, too. Dick Wars had a nice ring to it.

His chubby, Jesus beard like companion glares at him. "Dude, that's gross and really unsanitary," he hisses. Eddie's brows raise as the blond whispers in his ear. "We got to do it later, dude. There's a customer." He motioned to the very back of the store where they kept their naughty stuff. You couldn't have your vibrators and shit up front, you know? If parents started complaining you could at least say the little nose picker went in knowingly.

"Oh!" Eddie nodded. "Ok, yeah, sorry."

He can't see them very well, nor did he hear them actually come in. Maybe was too busy thinking about Dick Wars to notice. Eddie pulls out his cell phone and goes through his text messages. Tiny Carlos got his dick stuck in an Easy-Bake Oven and TJ was in the ER with him… Oh, just an average day in the life of Eddie and Wyatt. Damn, it was Friday. They were all going to smoke weed together tonight. Maybe, if they were lucky, Jane would even join them.

Jane was something else. Eddie and Wyatt had been sophomores in college when they had first met the younger, spunky teen with a haircut so shitty it made Britney's dos during her meltdown look trendy. She had been at the party they were at- totally under the drinking age and being flirted by some older guys who didn't have the best intentions- the two stoners got her out of that mess and they had been friends ever since. They had no siblings growing up, but they considered Jane the closest thing to the little sister they never had. Man, they did all kinds of crazy shit together. They spray painted buildings, smoked a shit ton of weed, partied all night long, it was endless. Yeah, they may have been helped fuck up her life, but they were keeping her safe. Some of her 'friends' were some gorked people and if you were going to fuck yourself up it might as well be with the two biggest, lovable fuck ups imaginable. At least they could make sure she didn't get addicted to crack and stayed out of jail. When she announced she was going back to college, Eddie felt his heart burst. Was this how parents felt like when their children moved on? Pride? Or maybe it was heartburn… Yeah, it was probably heartburn because he had a huge wrap from Taco Bell that night. Anyway, they were happy for her and ready to give support.

Support like weed. Hey, the greatest minds got high. Bill Gates probably smoked weed and Steve Jobs definitely did!

Ed_Master69: Yo! U up for some blazin tonight?

Ed_Master69: :3

Mary_Jane: I got a test to study for and I got work tomorrow. Sorry, maybe next week or something.

Mary_Jane: And stop with that weeaboo shit. You know I hate that.

Ed_Master69: Oh. sorry have fun then desu.

Ed_Master69: 030

Mary_Jane: U asshole lmao

Ed_Master69: (・`ω´・)

"Looks like Jane isn't coming," Eddie said as he put away his phone.

Wyatt groaned. "Again? She said that last week, too!"

"She's busy, you know?" The beanie-wearing stoner replied with a shrug. "I'm happy for her… She's getting her shit together better than we are."

"Hey, I'm happy for her," Wyatt said, his eyes narrowing. "Don't think I'm not, but it's fucking annoying how we never hang out anymore." He sighed and sat down on one of the old, rickety stools they had dug out of the dumpster. "I miss the good old days, man."

"Me too, bro," Eddie replied.

The mysterious customer makes their way up front. She's young- eighteen at the most- with long, dirty blonde hair and large, piercing green eyes. She's wearing a pink tank top, ripped shorts, and sneakers that could only come from Forever 21, the store across the hall. It's obvious this store is not her taste, and she anxiously glances around the room- almost as if she's afraid of being caught here. Man, if Eddie was a cute teenage girl who's probably moderately popular in school, he wouldn't be caught dead here. Especially if any of the guys saw her near the dildos. Say goodbye to your social life! But, there's something familiar about her. The two stoners can't put their finger on it, but they definitely had seen her before. Maybe, it was the petite nose and bow-shaped lips… Oh, shit.

This wasn't just any teenage girl. This was fucking Jaime, dude. Shit, this was their 'sister's' little sister. Eddie and Wyatt had only met her once a few years ago- back when Jane was still in high school and she brought the then ten-year-old to one of their hangouts. The little girl, who tried to act cool like her older sister, soon was begging to be taken back home. 'Everything smells funny and it's making my nose hurt!' She'd cry and pull on Jane's jacket, but the latter was too high to care. It didn't help Eddie nearly offered her a pot brownie (which he swore was a Yum-Yum Cake). They hadn't seen her since, but Jane kept them updated with pictures and shit. The family resemblance was uncanny.

She's got strawberry flavored condoms and nipple pasties in a death grip and it's clear that she's out of her element. Everyone knows the strawberry condoms are one of the most vanilla things in their kinky ass collection. Jaime's like a deer in headlights as she puts the items on the counter. It would make sense, though. Jane always said she was 'little miss perfect' and 'such a prude.' But, Eddie and Wyatt weren't going to judge or tell her older sister shit. Everyone was a horny teenager at some point- hell, the two stoners still were, so why shame her for it? This is no kink shaming in Spencer's! "Did you find what you were looking for?" Wyatt asked as checked them out with the scanner.

The teenager's face turns bright red and she nods hesitantly. "Yeah," she whispers.

"Alright, your total is fifteen dollars and ten cents." Eddie takes the receipt and is ready to hand it to her, but she tosses the money on the counter. Shit, this was cash. Jaime must have been serious about being unnoticed. "Chill, kid. We don't care about your sex life." He said with a chuckle, internally hitting himself when the girl gets more anxious. "Shit, just calm down, okay?"

"I'm not supposed to be doing this," the girl began. "My parents will kill me if they find out I'm doing this…"

The two men glance at each other. You always had people coming in who were nervous to lose the v-card, but as long as you're safe, shit's fine. Sex is just a part of life. "Hey, relax, there's no shame here. How old are you?"

"I just turned eighteen."

"You're the legal age. Your parents can't do shit and you'll be fine if you use protection." She doesn't seem reassured, but she begins to calm down. Her breathing becomes more relaxed. Jane had never been this scared to have sex. In fact, there were many times the two older men were worried about her getting pregnant. She had this idea that as long as you pull out and shit, you'd be a-okay. Using no birth control or condoms was like Russian roulette, and getting all those sex-ed lessons at Spencer's solidified that belief, but Jane seemed sure she'd never get pregnant… or catch a nasty STD. God, it gave them agita every time she'd go on about her sexual escapades- less so now, but it still happened every so often.

Wyatt bags her things and hands it to her. She shoves it into a Victoria's Secrets bag and thanks them before quickly running out of the store. The bearded man groans and runs a hand through his locks. "Jesus Christ, man," he muttered. "We just sold fucking condoms to Jane's little sister."

"I know, dude," Eddie replied, leaning back on his stool.

"Fucking hell… You think she recognized us?"

He shrugged. "I don't think so." Eddie bit his lip and fought back a chuckle.

"What's so funny?" Wyatt asked.

"She picked out the strawberry flavored condoms…" He snorted. "What the fuck is she going to do with that?"

The other man cracked a smile. "You know what they say about the good girls," he began, "they're always the naughtiest"

"Yeah," Eddie laughed and took a sip of his drink. "At least she's not a fucking dumb ass like Jane. Y'know, using protection and shit?"

Wyatt nodded. His eyes wandered to the storefront and they narrowed. No one was around and Jaime was probably their last customer of the night… Eddie's breath hitched, his hand scrambling for the large, floppy dick he had suctioned under the counter. Both men have a good grip on their weapons- the battle of the century is about to begin. As if on cue, Bon Jovi's Wanted Dead or Alive begins to play over the mall's speakers. Fucking awesome. This was going to be like an old-school cowboy shootout! A drop of sweat slides down Wyatt's face, and even though it's most likely because it's fucking August, Eddie thinks it's real cinematic. Any second dicks are going to start swinging-

"Hey, fuckos!"

Both men groan and relax, their grip slipping. Fuck, they knew that annoying, nasally voice anywhere- the fucking Breakfast Club was here. The Breakfast Club, as Wyatt had affectionately nicknamed them, were the group of kids who hung out at the food court every Friday night. There were about four of them: Sarah Rodriguez, Gabe Garcia, Ken 'Duck' Matthews Jr., and Becca Jones. Sarah was a nice kid- a little awkward and shy, but she didn't have a mean bone in her body. Gabe Garcia was a moody little shit who seemed to be going through his emo phase, but his uncle was fucking Javier Garcia, so they let it slide. Eddie tried being as nice to him as possible because Javier was not only his favorite baseball player ever, but also loaded as shit and knew all the celebrities (he was also his man crush, but he'd never admit that sober). Maybe, just maybe, he'd get invited to one of his parties and join his entourage if Gabe put a good word in for him. Duck was a dumb fuck, but a nice enough guy- definitely not a smart ass like Gabe. Finally, there was Becca. The short haired, brown eyed teenage girl was sarcastic, her tongue a more powerful weapon than a fist, and she always knew how to get under your skin. The best way to describe her would be like a mosquito. You try to push and flick that little fucker away, but no matter what you do, it always comes back ready for more. Eddie's ex-girlfriend, Abigail, was friends with her older sister, but the teenager never got the memo they broke up years ago. Shit, he only met her once before the group started coming around here acting like they owned the goddamn place.

Still, he did have a soft spot for that little shit and her nasty, hipster ass clothes that she probably dug up from the garbage. Reminded him of himself when he was a kid.

They were an odd bunch. You'd never expect to see them being friends or even talking to each other. Now, the two stoners didn't know much about how school was today, but when they were in high school there were strict rules. You had your cliques and you stayed there no matter what! You didn't see the jocks hanging out with the stoners nor did you see the goths with the preps. If they did anarchy could rise! But, Becca was a trouble maker who hated authority, Sarah was a nerd, Duck was the class buffoon who played baseball, and Gabe was the star pitcher of the varsity team- destined to follow his uncle's footsteps in the MLB if the shitload of scholarships were anything to go by. They were so very different, but nonetheless, made their friendship work. You know, like The Breakfast Club if the ending was less ambiguous, didn't have to deal with an asshole principal, and weren't wearing shitty 80's clothes that were long out of style. John Hughes was surely smiling down wherever the fuck he was.

"Hey, little shit!" Wyatt says back as Becca makes her way to the counter and leans on it. She's wearing that stupid backwards cap again. Everyone knows that if you wear your cap backwards you're an automatic douchebag. Everyone accept her unless that was part of being a hipster, and that wouldn't have surprised them one bit.

"Place looks busy." She looked around the store with a smirk, ignoring Eddie's deadpan stare. "Now, the Hot Topic downstairs? Damn, it's packed."

"Fuck you, Becca," Wyatt snapped. "Did you seriously fucking come in here to tell me that? You don't think I know that!" Sarah's eyes are like saucers and Gabe's brows raise at his outburst. Duck's too busy gawking at the penis shaped cookie cutters to notice. There's one thing you never did around Wyatt and that was mention Hot Topic. Eddie had never seen his best friend become more bitter and full of hatred than when he talked about their rival store. They stole customers, had the most 'cringe-worthy' merchandise, and their music blared throughout the complex. Eddie thought they were alright, but Wyatt loathed them to an almost comical degree. Damn, Becca knew how to push buttons alright.

"Everybody who shops there is a fucking basic emo!" He cried.

"Hey, I shop there-" Gabe started defensively.

"Yeah, and I hope you drown in your fucking tears, kid. MCR's never getting back together!"

"Holy shit, bro!" Eddie held his hands up. "Wyatt, calm the fuck down!"

The other man crosses his arms and huffs. Gabe's eyes narrow before he goes back to sulking. God, Eddie did not miss that age at all. "So, you got any news for me?" He asked the teenage girl. "You always got something brewing."

"I don't," she pointed to the back of the store, "but Duck does." Becca turned her head and called out for the boy. "Yo, Duck! Stop staring at dicks and get up here!"

The younger boy sprints over, holding about seven cookie cutters in his hands, much to Sarah's chagrin. The Hispanic girl turned her head away, her face turning a bright pink. "I've never seen these before!" Duck cried with an expression of awe. "It's like your eating a dick but you're not!"

"Dude, just tell him about the plan for Saturday."

"Oh, yeah…" He put the cutters down on the counter and focused. "Alright, so I'm playing matchmaker for my boy Gabe here-"

Eddie's brows raised. "Didn't he have a girlfriend, though? I remember you talking about her last week."

Duck waved his hand and snorted. "Yeah, well, she broke up with him. Apparently, all she wanted to do was meet uncle Javi-"

"Fuck off!" Gabe cries.

"Anyway, the dude's been super upset about it, but Duck's here to save the day!" He grinned. "I'm bringing a friend to the baseball game up in Macon on Saturday. I think the two of them are going to click like a key and a lock, you know!"

The other boy glares at him. "I don't want to meet her!" He paused before his shoulders slumped forward. "I just want Christine back."

"Dude, you only dated her for a fucking week," Becca rolled her eyes.

"I still loved her okay!"

Oh, the joys of youth and puppy love.

Duck continues. "She's a snarky asshole and you're a snarky asshole, Gabe. You two are meant for each other!"

"Fuck off."

"You're going to thank me later!" He cried. "You're going to come up and personally thank me! I know it's going to happen, Gabe!"

Eddie laughed and shook his head. Sarah was now standing in the doorway, eyeing a vibrator in horror. "You guys are fucking wild, man," he began. "You're always good for shits and giggles!" He then turned his attention to the bespectacled girl. "What's wrong with you?"

"I don't feel comfortable here!" She murmured. "My dad doesn't like me in these types of stores!"

"Well, your dad's a killjoy who needs to learn to get a grip!" Becca replied. "God, Sarah, you're almost eighteen you can't let him baby you for the rest of your life!"

"I know, but still…"

Duck's pocket buzzes and he moans. He reaches for his phone and puts it to his ear. "Hey, dad…" his brows knit and his smile fades. "Why are you in the parking lot already? You weren't supposed to pick us up until nine." The other teens glance at each other. "You're picking me up? Now? Why? What do you mean you were scammed? Of course Luke and Nick were scamming you, dad! If Pete of all people is telling you not to buy their stuff it's clear something's going on. Mom warned you about this, remember?" He holds his phone awayand everyone can hear garbled yelling. Eddie can't decipher what the guy's saying, but he sounds mad as hell. Seems like Duck can understand it, though, because he continues.

"What do you mean you want me there as backup? Are you going to fight them?" He asked incredulously. "Oh, you're going to show me how the art of the deal is done? Dad, I don't even think you know what that means." There's some more static as Duck nods his head along sarcastically. "Okay, I'll be out. See ya, bye," he finishes and hangs up. Everyone's staring. Now, the two men had heard about Duck's dad before- according to Becca the dude was a crazy, redneck sonuvabitch but they never had witnessed it until today. God help those two motherfuckers who decided to scam him because the art of the deal did not sound good at all. Kenny was going to RKO them or give them the old Five Knuckle Shuffle… Jesus Christ, what a way to end the night.

"I guess we need a new ride. Gabe, can your dad pick us up?" Sarah asked.

"Yeah, he's not going to be happy about it, though," he sighed. "Uncle Javi's coming tomorrow from Miami so he's super stressed."

The two stoner's eyes light up at the mention of Javier. Oh, shit he was coming to town! This was Eddie's chance to be a star! "Can you tell your uncle I sad hi and that I'm a super cool dude who can hook him up with the best weed?"

"No."

"Can you tell him I said that?" Wyatt whispered. "Please?"

"No." Gabe repeated.

"Well, we might as well go," Becca began, guiding everyone out like a shepherd or Moses. "Bye, fuckers!" And as soon as they arrived, The Breakfast Club was gone.

Eddie leaned back and yawned. Shit, either the kids wiped him out or it was really late. He stared up at the clock, cursing when he realized he had another hour of sitting on his hard stool doing absolutely nothing. His ass was beginning to hurt-

Slap!

He reels back in shock, holding his cheek as he recovers from what had to be the hardest smack in his life. He slowly looks up at Wyatt and gasps. The larger man is grinning manically as he holds the still jiggling, floppy dick in his hands. As if it were a sword, he tries to get a few more hits before Eddie rolls and grabs his own dildo. "En garde, motherfucker!" Wyatt shouted.

"No fair," Eddie smirked. "You think I'm going to let that shit slide."

"I don't know… will you?"

The events that occurred after those words were uttered were never recorded or at least they didn't remember them. All they knew was that the biggest sausage fest in history occurred and there were no survivors. Dildos were broken, dicks were swinging, and in the end, they had gotten so high in their truck they passed out. Just a typical day in the life of Eddie and Wyatt.

A/N: Alright, I know the last chapter was short, so I tried to make it up with a 3,500+ long chapter. I kind of had some writer's block with this one, but I do like how it came out for the most part. The ending is a bit meh, but I didn't want to go into their Dick War... I'm pretty sure no one wanted that.

Some exciting things happened here, though! The Breakfast Club has been introduced, Luke and Nick have been mentioned and are presumably going to get their asses kicked by Kenny which we'll see (you scammed the wrong man), Jaime is finally here, and Javier and the Garcias are coming! Of course there were some ulterior motives involved here with the whole Macon game. RIP Duck when Clementine finds out.

I left some hints to where this story's going, but I know you all probably spotted them. Eddie and Wyatt are definitely the Timon and Pumba in this story. They're hilarious to write and we'll definitely see more of them later!