Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon a Time.
Warning: SwanQueen. Possibly misplaced grammar. English isn't my native language, but I promise to always try my best at catching every mistake I can.
AN: Hook and Emma never happened, but the Regina and Robin plot still remains. This takes place during the Split Regina/Evil Queen Arc.
Ashes
The first crush Emma ever had, had been on Lily. The first person she had fallen in love with was Neal. For Emma, it was never about gender but the connection.
She and Lily connected because they never really fit into this world (they didn't understand the reason at the time). They were both orphans, ungainly, and out-of-place. Emma had felt it instantly, like they were two halves of the same coin, when they first met. That spark, even though it was just one-sided, was the first time Emma felt anything romantic for anyone. Looking back, Emma was grateful that Lily never knew about her feelings.
Lily was the first friend Emma ever had.
For Emma and Neal, they connected because the streets, for all intents and purpose, was their parent. How to survive the world was a crash course they learned early on when they were young and Neal trusted people about as much as Emma did. When they first started working together pulling scams, he slept with one eye open because he was so damn sure Emma was going to rob him blindly in his sleep (even though he had nothing of value to steal) and Emma slept with a switch blade hidden in her hand (too many foster fathers who had been too touchy made her cautious). They easily fell into place with each other, even with their issues. It felt almost like fate. After a while that hesitant trust they had in each other turned into absolute trust. Then love. Neal was the first person she ever trusted her heart with. Even after he left her to rot in jail, that feeling never really disappear even when the anger and disappointment set in. First loves were hard to get over.
Especially when they came close to being a second love.
At his funeral, Emma remembered holding on tightly to Henry before a slender hand came to rest on her shoulder. Looking up, she saw Regina who had a sympathetic look in her eyes. If anyone could understand losing a first love, it was Regina.
Regina, ignoring all the protest from Snow and David, took Henry and Emma back to mansion. She sat them down in the kitchen and she moved to cook them lunch. Emma and Henry, too sad and too tired, sat mutely and watched as Regina pulled open the cabinets looking for ingredients. Soon, the smell of lasagna and apple pie waffled through the house. In unison, Emma and Henry's stomach rumbled.
"Eat," Regina ordered. She set a plate in front of each of them. She crossed her arms and gave them the look (the stern one she always got that usually meant that Henry left his shoes in the middle of the hallway again or that Emma did something stupid). It was a 'don't argue with me' mom look. Henry, who knew what that look meant, picked up his fork and nudged Emma. Emma reluctantly picked up her spoon. She didn't think she could go pass three bites. The moment the lasagna passed her lips, however, Emma couldn't swallow fast enough before she was shoving the next spoonful in her mouth. Emma was hungrier than she realized. In the end, Henry and Emma ate everything on their plate. Regina sent Henry off to wash his face while she cleaned. When Regina moved to collect their plates, Emma's hand shot it. Her fingers managed to grab on to the cuff of Regina's sleeve.
"Thanks, Regina." Emma said gratefully.
Regina looked surprised.
"You welcome, Ms. Swan," Regina finally said.
When it came time for Emma to return the favor, Emma was a little lost. Unlike how Regina was flawlessly able to take care of her after Neal passed, Emma struggled with trying to help Regina. It has been a few weeks after Robin's death and right now Henry is the only one who could bring a smile to Regina.
But even those smiles were getting fewer.
Regina became more and more withdrawn as time passed. Randomly popping up wherever Regina was and taking her to lunch or taking her for long rides in the bug (it was starting to be their thing even if Regina does turned up a nose whenever she saw the car) was Emma's way of distracting her. Regina needed to get her mind off of Robin. In the past, Emma annoying the crap out of Regina always seem to pull Regina out of any funk. Or at least it was guarantee to make Regina angry (which Emma would take any day over the sad expression on Regina's face). She prodded, cajoled, and told horrible jokes that made the frown lines between Regina's brow deepen. Not a day goes by where Emma doesn't visit Regina at the manor since Regina had taken to hiding in her mansion like a hermit.
The only time she left the house was when Emma forced her to or when Henry begged.
One day, while Henry was staying over with her mother and father for a grandparent-grandkid bonding time, Emma stopped by the manor only to find the entire living room had been trashed. Picture frames were thrown and mangled, vases and glass was scattered all over on the floor, furniture were upturned and smashed. Not a single thing in the room was spared. Even the curtains were charred. In the mist of all the destruction was Regina, who sat in the middle of the room with angry tears pooling in her eyes.
Emma moved carefully through the room and she sat next to Regina.
The rage and grief was an invisible, toxic cloud that clung to Regina. The air around her was oppressive and heavy. Emma knew that it was a daily struggle for Regina to maintain control of her destructive side. Regina had spent more than half her life in that bitter dark cloud of hatred and anger and some things, some reactions, become instinctual. Regina has deep-rooted dark tendencies and so many issues that Archie was set for life with a job. Henry had changed her, but Emma doesn't doubt that the instincts and urges were still there, crawling beneath the skin. Robin's death just makes that struggle harder.
"I can feel her itching to come out. To hurt people the way I'm hurting," Regina finally said. Her legs were pulled up so that she could wrap her arms around them. She hid her face in her knees. She couldn't look at Emma. "If that happens-"
"It won't," Emma interrupted.
"But if it does, if it comes to that point-"
"It won't."
Regina just shook her head.
Regina was afraid of losing control and hurting people.
She would have done anything to prevent it.
Never in a million years, however, would Emma thought that Regina would be desperate enough to take the potion that Jekyll invented.
Emma had met the Evil Queen in all her glory once (that one time she and Hook inadvertently ended up in the past). She had forgotten how terrifying that version of Regina was.
Emma felt shivers down her spine when bitter black-orb eyes stared at her. She found her magic sputtering when they confronted each other because deep down, Emma doesn't want to hurt the Evil Queen. Not when she has Regina's face.
"I know how you feel about her," the Evil Queen said. An elegant eyebrow arched. This was the umpteen confrontation and it took place on top of the roof of Granny's Diner. Emma was alone. She briefly wondered how long it would take before the others arrive to help.
"I don't really see what you see in her," the Evil Queen remarked.
"You're the same person, you know," Emma said warily.
"We're nothing alike," the Evil Queen smirked. "I'm not that weak."
"She's not weak," Emma said defensively.
The Evil Queen rolled her eyes. "She's nothing."
The words, said in a matter-of-fact voice, made Emma cringe.
The door burst open and her father and Hook came stumbling through. By the time they straighten, the Evil Queen was gone and Emma was left staring at the space where she use to be.
After that, they clashed almost on a daily basis. More often than not, Emma comes out of the fight bruised, battered, and sore. But on the bright side of things, she's managed to stay alive so far. One of the perks was that she ends up spending a lot of time with Regina who heals her with magic.
"We have to stop her," Regina grimace. She waved her hand and the black eye Emma had sported disappeared. "The next time she might maim you."
"If that happens you'll put me back together right?" Emma asked rather cheeky.
Regina gave her a deadpan look. "This is serious, Emma."
Emma sighed. "I know."
There was no doubt that the Evil Queen was a huge threat. She was already trying to make an ally out of Zelena (and to Emma wariness, it seems to be working). There was a craftiness in the Evil Queen that was lacking in other villains like Pan or Arthur. Regina had always warn that she shouldn't be underestimated. Emma thought it was an ego thing. It took three sprain ribs for Emma to realized that Regina was right. The Evil Queen side of Regina was cunning. She was always one step ahead of them. No matter what they tried they just can't seem to get a solid hold on her, but even if they did manage to trap her, what would they do with her? Execute her? Lock her in the basement of the hospital? Deep down, the Evil Queen was still a part of Regina. That meant she deserve to a get a second chance, right? The mix of emotions that Emma felt battled each other.
Regina finished healing the rest of Emma's wounds and she tiredly took a seat.
In the kitchen light, Regina looked exhausted and pale. She hasn't had a full, good night sleep since releasing the Evil Queen. Between protecting Henry, watching over Zelena and the baby, and trying to find a way to defeat her darker half, it was amazing that Regina could even stay steady on her feet.
"You should get some sleep," Emma said getting up from her chair. "Sorry for making you heal me."
Next time, Emma promised herself, she'll go to Mother Superior or even Whale to get her wounds treated. Emma could have kicked herself for bothering an already worn and drained Regina.
Regina got up and walked Emma to the door. Emma took a few steps down the walkway when Regina's voice stopped her.
"Be careful," Regina warned. There was concern in her eyes as she gazed at Emma. "The only person she won't hurt is Henry. Everyone else is just collateral to her. She'll rip out your heart if you give her a chance."
With that, the door close.
...
The sound of swords clashing...
The feel of a metal hilt in her hand as she fought desperately...
The glimpse of pale skin underneath a dark hood...
Emma jolted up in bed with sweat rolling down her face.
...
The sessions with Archie (Emma had given in after her mother's persistence that she talk with someone about her nightmares) was awkward and long. Archie wasn't the first shrink she's been to. Plenty of foster parents thought that speaking with someone would help iron out her issues. It was just that Archie was the first shrink to be her friend, so sharing her thoughts and feelings with him made Emma squirm slightly.
"So this hooded figure, he or she kills you?" Archie asked.
"Yeah," Emma mumbled. Even now, she could feel the burning pain as cold steel sliced into her stomach. After a moment pause, she added, "Aladdin told me that dying is the fate of all saviors."
"And how does that make you feel?"
"Like running away," Emma said truthfully. Leaning back on the couch, Emma stared up the ceiling of Archie's office. "I don't want to die."
"Dying is a common fear for most people," Archie remarked. He gave Emma a scrutinizing look. "Is it just dying that worries you?"
"No." Emma pulled her eyes from the ceiling to look at Archie. "It's who kills me that I'm more concern with."
Archie gave an 'ah' of understanding. "Do you know who's under the hood, Emma?"
"No, but I have a good guess," Emma closed her eyes.
"Who do you think it is?" Archie asked.
Opening her eyes, she stared Archie straight in the eye.
"Regina," she said.
The mournful note in her voice couldn't be missed.
...
The feeling of blood soaking through her shirt...
The look of fear on her mother and everyone's faces that was watching the battle...
Everyone was there except for one person...
Emma shot up in bed with a wildly pounding heart.
...
The lack of sleeping was making her look haggard if the concern look on Archie's face was anything to go by. Emma had looked in the mirror that morning with a grimace when she noticed the dark bags under her eyes. Combined with how pale she was and with her slightly sunken cheeks, Emma looked like death warmed over.
"I don't want to die," she said as Archie looked compassionately on.
She repeated those words, almost like mantra, at every session.
...
"I'm going to grant your wish," the Evil Queen said. A twisted smile crept on her lips. "I'm going to send you to a place where you were never the savior."
"You heard me," Emma whispered.
"I hear everything," the Evil Queen remarked. She gleefully produced a lamp and rubbed it. Emma felt her father and Hook take a step closer to her.
Aladdin looked confused and worried when he appeared. His eyes took in everything from Jasmine who was tied to a chair, to a gloating Evil Queen, to Emma.
"Genie, I wish for Emma Swan's wish to never be the savior be granted."
Aladdin looked guilty.
Raising his hand, Emma barely had a chance to brace herself before a fierce warmth crashed into her.
The feeling of turning to ash was the last thing she remembered before everything went black.