Chapter 7 – About the War
Lunch was a very quite affair as everybody was in his own world of thoughts.
"Don't we get any dessert?" Draco wondered as Lucius suddenly stood.
"Do you think you earned any dessert with your stunt today?" Lucius countered and Draco hung his head.
"I wish to speak with you two in my study in five minutes." With that the man left the room.
"Do you think we are in a lot of trouble?" Harry whispered casting a worried glance at Draco.
"I don't know," Draco shrugged. He never before went against his father in such a way, so he had no idea how angry his father was, or in what way they would get punished. "There is just one way to find out."
Harry nodded and gulped. Together they entered Lucius' study. The man sat behind his desktop and cast a stern look at the two boys.
"Please take a seat and then explain to me, what exactly happened today."
Draco and Harry exchanged a nervous glance before the blond-haired boy cleared his throat and said, "Well, it was my idea. Harry didn't want to go at first. He was worried that with a new haircut you would know immediately that we didn't go to the quidditch store but I told him that I wanted to surprise you and so we went to the hairdresser just two shops down from the quidditch store. I didn't know you would be that angry about that."
Lucius pinched the bridge of his nose before he looked at Harry and Draco. "And you didn't think that I would have liked to be informed if you do such a drastic change? I was really shocked at first and I didn't know how to react. I do not like any surprises, less of all in public places. I thought you are aware of that. Besides, I would have waited with a new haircut after the blood adoption ritual. I don't know in what way it will change Harry's appearance."
"Oh. I haven't thought about that," Draco admitted in shame.
"You think the adoption would change my look?" Harry asked unsure.
"Adoption in blood and magic means that your blood and magic will get mixed with the Malfoy genes. So there is a chance that your appearance will adapt, too. After the adoption you will have two biological fathers," Lucius explained.
"Oh," Harry said and frowned to himself but then a smile erupted on his face. "So you will be my real father."
Lucius couldn't help but smile back, "Indeed, and Draco will be your half brother."
This statement inevitably brought thoughts about Narcissa to Lucius mind. Should he tell his boys the cruel truth? As he locked eyes with Draco, he knew his son also thought about his mother. The boy earned the truths but telling about Narcissa would mean telling about the war, too.
"Dad?" Harry interrupted Lucius' train of thoughts. "What about Draco's mum? Draco said he don't believe that she is dead. Is there I chance I will meet her one day?"
"I don't know, Harry," Lucius said in a pained voice, "Do you both really want to know the truth? It's not a nice story."
"We are old enough," Draco reassured.
Lucius shook his head. "You may think less of me, if you hear the whole truth and I should ask Severus to join us as our stories are connected in a way."
"Even if you had been a dark wizard before, you definitely aren't one anymore. You are a real father to me and cares where my relatives didn't. I don't think anything will change my feelings to you," Harry said and Draco nodded and added, "I love you no matter what!"
Lucius sighed. His boys were so sure now, will they be as sure after they know everything? "Very, well. Please, wait here for a moment."
Just a few minutes passed before he re-entered the room with a serious looking potion master at his heals. Severus raised an eyebrow at Harry as he noticed his new haircut and Harry blushed and lowered his head.
"Okay, boys. I invited Severus into our discussion because I think if I tell you about Narcissa I should tell you everything and as I told you before, my story is involved with Severus' story. This whole mess started as the Dark Lord started to rise. He was young and promising and he knew how to handle people around him. His ideas were fresh and not so dark at the beginning. I was fascinated by him and his power.
"In my seventh year I became friends with Severus. He showed great interest in dark magic and was very adapt in potions. He even invented new spells and jinxes. I told him about the Dark Lord but he wasn't interested at first. He had a good friend in Gryffindor and valued that friendship more than anything.
"We stayed friends after I graduated but then I made a big mistake. I was so blinded by the lies of the Dark Lord that I finally joined him. I took the mark and I was proud. I was so proud that I even convinced Severus to join the group of followers, the Death Eaters, in the end. Then my bubble burst and I was thrown back into reality. Suddenly I could see through all the lies the Dark Lord had fed us to make us his followers but it was too late. Severus lost his friendship to Lily Evans and was very sad about it. A year later as Narcissa got pregnant I wanted nothing more than out of the group. Away from these cruel Death Eaters who didn't flinch from torturing even children.
After you were born, Draco, the Dark Lord noticed my wavering faithfulness. He..." Lucius gulped and took a deep breath, "He took Narcissa away from me to blackmail me. He told me, as soon as I know my place he will give her free again. You had been just eight months old as he kidnapped your mother. I was devastated. I was forced to partake in family raids, I was forced to do cruel things or I would have lost my wife. The Dark Lord wanted me to see what cruel end would await my family if I don't cooperate.
As the Dark Lord finally died, the secret where my wife was hidden, died with him. After I was finally spoken free by the Ministry of Magic I did everything in my power to find her but I failed. Even the Aurors failed to find her. It was like she had been swallowed by earth. You had been right, Draco. I didn't charm the portrait of your mother. She is still alive, but I have no idea where. I..."
Lucius took a shuddered breath and tried hard not to break out in tears, "I... just don't know what else I could do to find her."
Harry and Draco jumped out of their seats to wrap their arms around their distraught father. Both boys had tears in their eyes.
"I'm just so glad he didn't take you, too, Draco. I don't know what I would have done without you," Lucius said and kissed Draco's head.
Harry cast a glance at Severus and asked, "Did you love my mother?"
"Yes, Harry. I loved her a lot. After what happened to Narcissa though, I was glad that she wasn't with me. It had hurt a lot to see her marrying my arch enemy, James Potter, but I thought, that way she was safe. At least as safe as anybody during a war. I was wrong with my assumption though."
Severus looked very guilty suddenly. Harry let go of Lucius and asked, "What happened?"
Severus looked at Lucius and the blond-haired man nodded.
"Fate," Severus whispered while he locked eyes with Harry. "Fate chose to let me overhear a prophecy. I was stupid and thought the Dark Lord wouldn't believe in any prophecies but once again I was wrong. He didn't ignore it. As soon as he figured it out, your family was in danger. I panicked, I went to Dumbledore and told him everything. I pleaded to him to protect her. And that he did. In return I turned to be his spy.
"Luckily the Dark Lord didn't find out about me. I told him that I got a job in Hogwarts and that I can spy for him on the headmaster. He was very pleased with the idea and didn't suspect anything wrong. For a while everything was fine. Lily and her family vanished under the Fidelius Charm and was safe. Until one day the Dark Lord found out about their secret.
"You have to know, for the Fidelius Charm to work, you need a secret keeper. He is the only one who knows the secret hiding place. Obviously he chose to spill the secret."
"Who was the secret keeper? Do you know?"
"Yes I do, though I still have a hard time to accept that truth," Severus whispered.
Harry bit his lips, wondering if he really want to know but then he asked, "Who? Who was it?"
"Sirius Black."
Harry's eyes widen at that. "But I thought..." he gulped and his hands started to shake in horror. "You told me he was best friends with my father?"
Severus nodded, "He was. I don't know what happened, why he would betray your parents. He spend so much time with your family and even with you. He is your godfather. I really cannot understand this."
"Do you think he got tortured until he revealed anything?" Harry asked hopefully.
"No. The Fidelius Charm cannot be tricked in that way. He must have said it on his free will."
Harry shuddered. Sirius Black. He had so many photos with him and his dad in his photo album. They looked so happy together. What had happened?
Severus took a deep breath to prepare himself to reveal the last piece of truth. He knew Harry will not take that well but if he want to build a good relationship with the boy he need to say it and so he went on with a low voice. "The night the Dark Lord went to kill you and your family I tried to plead with him to spare your mother's life. He said he will try but he couldn't make any promises."
After this confession silence stretched through the room. Harry gulped. So Severus knew that the Dark Lord was about to kill him and he just pleaded to safe his mother? He tried hard to ignore the stabbing pain of betrayal. He lowered his head and took some calming breath.
"Harry, you have to understand-" Severus started to explain.
"No." Harry interrupted him but Severus went on nonetheless.
"I loved you mother. I knew, I was not able to stop the Dark Lord. It was my last chance to try and safe her."
"I do understand," Harry pointed out while tears streamed down his cheeks, "But it still hurts."
Severus looked pained and ashamed of himself. "I know. I was a coward. Every day I wish, I would have done more."
Harry turned away from Severus and asked, "May I be excused, please?" He needed to get away, he needed time to think and he cannot do it in this dreaded study which still held awful memories.
"Of course, Harry," Lucius said and let the child flee from the room. He will speak with Harry later when he had time to calm down again.
"I shouldn't have told him that," Severus said contritely.
"It was necessary and you know it. He should have the whole picture. When he would have found out later, and I'm sure he would have found out eventually, then he would have felt really betrayed. Now he just needs time to sort his feelings. Knowing him, he will forgive you," Lucius tried to cheer his friend up.
"I don't earn his forgiveness. I may not have realised that I endangered Lily with this overheard prophesy but I knew what was going to happen that night. I knew he would murder Harry and everybody who stood in his way and all I did was to beg for Lily's life. I wasn't even interested in the boy or the man. What kind of man does that?"
"Don't punish yourself. The time was horrible. The war wrenched on our nerves every day. You cannot blame yourself for decisions you made while you feared for your own life every waking hour."
"I still feel responsible. Maybe I could have warned them."
Lucius shook his head. "There was no time. Haven't you told me once that the Dark Lord went to search for them as soon as he learned of their location? No warning would have reached them in time."
Severus hunched his shoulders in defeat.
"I still do not hate you," Draco finally said and went to give his godfather a hug.
As response Severus hugged the child close to his chest. Not sure if he really earned such a lovely child as a godson.
Oxo
Harry fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was not able to process everything he had learned that day. He was just exhausted and so he pushed all thoughts out of his mind and let himself fall into Morpheus' Realm.
As Lucius went to see him, he was still sleeping. Carefully the man wiped away the tear tracks on the child's cheeks. He really hoped Harry would forgive Severus. If someone was able to take away Severus' guilt it would be this boy.
Oxo
As Harry finally woke up, he stayed in bed and let everything storm through his brain. He had told Lucius that he would not hold his past against him and he now tried to do the same with Severus. The man had been a complete bastard towards him last school year but now everything had changed. The man was helpful and understanding. He was his link to his mother. Obviously his mum had been a magnificent woman. If Severus had felt the same fear of losing Lily as Harry was felling by the thought of losing his new family, then he really could understand the man.
Severus didn't know Harry at that time and if Severus' treatment of him in the first year was any indication, then it was clear how the man had felt about Harry. Obviously Severus hated James Potter and his son.
Instead of being angry any longer, Harry felt guilty himself. Who was he to judge Severus? He had no idea about the time they lived in. Harry started to wonder what the prophesy was about. Why did it brought his family in danger? And why had Severus called it fate? He really have to ask his professor, maybe then he would understand better what had happened.
His next thought went to Sirius Black. He turned onto his stomach and pulled his photo album out of the bedside table. He opened it and watched the pictures of James and Sirius. Had the man really betrayed his family? He couldn't believe it. Was there a way to contact the man?
Determined Harry pushed his album back into his drawer and stood in search for his father. He found him in the library deep in thoughts.
"Dad?"
"Harry," surprised Lucius turned and studied the child from head to toe. He looked much better. "How are you?"
Harry shrugged a shoulder but before the other man could say anything else he asked, "Is there a way to contact Sirius Black?"
At that Lucius arched an eyebrow. "Why would you want that?"
"I want answers," Harry said determined. "I have this album full of pictures of him and my dad and I cannot imagine that he deliberately betrayed my parents. Was there a clear proof that it was him?"
Lucius frowned in thoughts but then he admitted, "I don't know. All I know is that he was found in the middle of a Muggle street he had destroyed, while he killed Peter Pettigrew and some Muggles. He was laughing psychotically. I have no idea when he had his hearing."
"I want to write him or visit him, is there a chance?" Harry said insistently.
"It's impossible to visit him. At least for you. This prison is no place for a child. The dementors are horrible," Lucius said resolutely.
Harry didn't back down though, "And write? Will he be able to get mails at least?"
Lucius sighed. Even if Sirius would get the mail, there was no way he would be able to write back.
"Please, Dad. This is important for me. Can you help me?" Harry asked and there as no way Lucius could say 'no' to the child.
After some thinking he sighed and said, "I have the following proposal: You write a letter to him and I will try to visit him. If he wants to response I will wait for that but if he doesn't want to or can't response to you there is nothing else we could do. Then you have to accept what happened. Okay?"
Harry nodded his head. "Thank you so much!" he said and hugged his dad.
Lucius held the child close for a few moments before he asked. "How are you, Harry?"
"Better. I'm sorry how I reacted towards Severus confession. I have no right to judge him. I guess my mother was really very important to him. If anybody know how it feels when you fear to lose someone then it is me."
"Your reaction was understandable, Harry. You have been exhausted even before we told you everything. You have nothing to be sorry for," Lucius reassured.
"Dad, we still haven't talked about our punishment for the incident in Diagon Alley," Harry said carefully.
Lucius sighed once more. "I know but you didn't outright disobeyed me. Draco's idea wasn't ill-meant and you didn't know about the rules. I forgot to tell you that we act differently when we are in public. So this time I think, I will let the matter go."
"You are sure?" Harry asked astonished.
"Don't misunderstand me. If you do such a stunt again, then there will be consequences to face," Lucius reassured.
Harry nodded with a honest face. "I will keep that in mind."
"Okay and now go and fetch your history book. Then we can see were you struggle."
-o-
Harry was surprised to find out what an excellent history professor Lucius would have been. The way he explained the things made it so much easier to understand the material.
"I wish you would teach history. I though it is just a boring subject but obviously that depends on the teacher," Harry said happily.
"Well, thank you, Harry. Do you think you will manage your essay now?" Lucius asked and the boy nodded.
oxoxoxo
After dinner Harry showed Lucius his History essay and the man nodded in approval after he had read it through. "Well done, Harry. Your handwriting also greatly improved. Do still feel any pain?"
Harry shook his head, "No and it is a lot easier to write with the new quill tip. Thank you again, for showing me."
"You don't have to thank me. I'm sure all your professors will be grateful, that they don't have to guess any longer what you have written," Lucius replied.
Harry pouted at that, "My handwriting wasn't that bad!"
Lucius smiled benignly and Harry finally smiled back.
"I also found time to write my letter to Sirius. Do you want to read it?" Harry asked suddenly looking nervous.
"Do you want me to read it?" Lucius asked back.
Harry shrugged and hung his head.
"If you want my advice or my opinion, I will read it but if you think it is okay as it is, I will just play owl and deliver your letter."
"I don't think, it is necessary that you look at it, but if you want to know what I have written you can read it," Harry explained.
"Thank you, but in this case I will respect you privacy, Harry," Lucius said and took the letter.
Harry smiled up at him. "Thank you."
Then the boy look down again and bit his lip. It was more than obvious, that he wanted to say something else but didn't know how to approach the subject. Lucius waited patiently but as Harry stood and intended to leave, the man stopped him.
"Is there something else you wanted to say?"
Harry looked up, still chewing on his lip. "I... erm... I know, I'm going to see Severus tomorrow. I just wondered, if I could talk with him but I can talk with him tomorrow."
"Do you want to talk with him via floo or do you want to floo over, for a personal talk?" Lucius asked. Normally he wouldn't allow visits after dinner. In this case though he had the feeling that Harry really should talk with Severus. He learned a lot this day and need to sort his thoughts.
"Is it possible to floo over? It's nearly bed time." Harry wondered aloud.
"I know. And under other circumstances I wouldn't allow it but in this case I think it is necessary you two talk about what was told today. Come on. Let's see if Severus has time."
Together Harry and Lucius walked into the library and after a short call Lucius stepped into the fire and wrapped his arms around the far too small boy to floo them to Severus.
Oxo
Severus was surprised that Lucius came with company, more so as Lucius just hugged Harry and then stepped back into the flames. Before Severus could asked about the meaning of all this he found himself with his arms full of a black-and-blond-haired child clinging desperately at him.
"Harry?" he asked unsure.
"I'm so sorry, how I reacted to your story. It was just too much to take in for me but I think I can understand you. You loved her, and you probably hated it, that she married someone else. I can even understand why you hated me but you changed, you don't hate me any longer, do you?"
Severus returned the hug and reassured the boy. "No, I don't hate you and I shouldn't have treated you the way I did in your first year either. I don't expect you to forgive me. I know, I was horrible to you."
"Please," Harry started and looked up, "Please, don't blame yourself for my mother's death."
Severus let go of the boy and looked away, unable to look into the green eyes, that reminded him so much of Lily.
"Sev," Harry whispered without realising, that he used the same nickname and the same tone of voice his mother would have used in such a situation and against his will Severus looked back at Harry, feeling as if Lily would be close by watching them.
Harry studied Severus' face and saw the inner struggle in the onyx eyes.
"It's so hard, Harry," Severus finally admitted. "It pains me to think at her. Every time I do, I wished I would have done more."
"Was there something you could have done to prevent her death?" Harry asked in a soft voice.
Severus looked away again. "I don't know, probably not. There wasn't much time left as I learned about the Dark Lord's plan."
Harry leaned his head back against Severus chest and said "You need to stop blaming yourself. I'm sure my mother wouldn't want you running around with guilt that isn't yours. It was Voldemort, who killed her."
Severus sighed and run his hand through the boy's hair. He considered to remind Harry not to call him 'Sev' but he found that he didn't mind if Harry used this nickname. If Lily called him that, he always got a warm feeling in chest. When ever she called him that he knew, he was important to her and that gave him a small boost for his ego.
He couldn't bear anyone else calling him that, because it simply felt wrong. It shamed him and reminded him of his failures. When Harry call him Sev though, even after all he had learned, it also felt warm. It reminded Severus, that there was still someone who needed him.
He gave Harry a final squeeze before he let go of the boy. He motioned Harry to sit down at the sofa and sat himself next to the child.
"Harry, you still don't know all. Lucius told you, I lost her friendship after I joint the Dark Lord but I believe I lost her respect far earlier. On day I called your mother mudblood out of anger and humiliation and I believe it was the end of our real friendship. She forgave me eventually but it was never the way it was before."
Harry frowned. "What's a mudblood?"
"It's a vile word for muggleborns."
"Why did you call her that?"
Severus frowned to himself, debating with himself how much he should tell Harry but finally choose to tell Harry everything about his daily fight with Harry's father and his gang. He told the boy about the incident that lead to him calling Lily that foul name.
"But wouldn't my mum know why you called her that? Wouldn't she understand?" Harry wondered. He could completely empathize with Severus and didn't understand how his mother wouldn't forgive Severus immediately.
"Of course she understood, but she didn't like the new friends of mine and accused me of having changed since I hung out with them. She was right, of course, but I couldn't see what she meant at that time. It got more and more complicate between us. She tried so hard to keep me on the right path but I was too far down the wrong path already. As I realised my mistake, she was already deep in love with your father and I was hurt and too ashamed to apologize to her. Maybe she would have forgiven me."
"She would have!" Harry said convinced.
Severus couldn't help but smile at that. The boy was so much like Lily and if Harry was ready to forgive him his horrible treatment of him, then he also was sure that Lily would have forgiven him, too.
"You know, I finally realize, why she fought for you until her last breath. You are a very special child," Severus said, "If it would come to it, I would do the same."
Harry smiled with a pained expression. "I'm nothing special. I'm just Harry."
"Well, 'just Harry' do you care for a cup of cocoa before I floo you back?"
"Yes, please."
So, Harry and Severus sat for a while longer sipping cocoa and taking comfort in the other's presence. Harry leaned his head against Severus' shoulder and Severus had his arm around the boy's back. As the man noticed that Harry's head grew heavier against his shoulder he looked down and smiled. Once again the boy had fallen asleep. Carefully Severus placed his cup back on the table and rescued Harry's cup before the boy's hand went completely slack.
"Time to get you home," Severus said but Harry just hummed incoherently. The man stood and then took Harry under his armpits to hoist him up into his arms. "You are still far too light, you know?"
"Hmm hm," Harry replied and rested his head on Severus' shoulder, wrapping his arms around the man's neck.