It Never Seems
Thank you for the comments! I am so sorry for the delay. I'm pretty sure you guys know what school is like. That's all I'm going to say because I'm pretty sure you guys don't want excuses : ) I know some of you guys are confused so I hope this clears a few things up. If not, I'll be happy to explain in personal messages. Speaking of which, those of you who reviewed will get spoilers for next chapter after this is posted so keep watch. Hope this keeps your interest.
pnkprincess01 - Thanks for the support! I'm sorry the story is making you sad but I guess I should take that as a compliment on my writing. I guess angst writing is my calling lol. Anyway, this is the darkest tone I've ever written and this chapter does have some sick fantasies all dealing with death but I promise there is some happiness or happy ending somewhere in here. Next chapter will build their reunion though ; ) Thank you again and I hope you come back for more!
CAli
Ch. 2 – The Deal
October 23, 2008. The Northwest
It rained every day here in Seattle. Nathan fucking hated the rain. The rain used to mean something special for him. The rain was his and Haley's thing. Something about the endless droplets of water symbolized his love for his wife. He used to be happy every time it rained.
Now the rain just made him want to kill himself. He used to joke with Haley how the greatest rock bands of the '90s committed suicide because they were from Seattle. The place was toxic and just gave depression. She'd call him out on it and asked what'd happen if he got drafted to Seattle and had to suck up to the fans about loving Seattle. And he'd always respond the same way: "I might hate the place, but I would love it because you're there. We're forever, Hales."
He had no idea how right he was about Seattle and rain. The place made him want to kill himself.
Every day, he contemplated committing suicide. Just take that small handgun to his temple and just end it. He didn't love basketball anymore. He worked for a mob boss who ruined his life in more ways than one and treated him like a slave. He left his wife and son for this life? A life where he was miserable and basically had no soul? It'd just be simpler with him gone.
It seemed so simple, too. Just wake up one more day and decide that fuck it. He wasn't doing anything to contribute in the world besides encourage crime. He's failed in more ways than one. Why bother living? Just pull that gun out of the dresser drawer. Turn the safety off because the gun is already loaded. Clock it back. Put the gun against his temple. Tell Haley he's sorry one more time and squeeze that trigger. And the pain will be gone. He didn't disappoint his family anymore. Haley didn't think he was a bastard anymore. Haley didn't have to think about all the awful mistakes he made for the past three years. Haley didn't have to cry anymore because he was one less evil in the world.
Nathan contemplated this every day. It'd just be so much simpler to kill himself than work for Dante. Every day, he was a fraction closer to grab that gun and kill himself. But every day, when he thinks today is that day, something stops him. He doesn't know exactly why he lives another day. He doesn't understand it.
Logic doesn't make sense anymore.
His life was over three years ago when he accepted money from Dante thinking that every man does this to keep his family afloat. He didn't want to disappoint Haley by failing to pay the electric bill. His father decided to be an ass and he had no where to turn to. He thought he'd accept the money from Dante and pay him back when basketball season was over and he could get a job. He never thought a loan shark existed in Tree Hill. And he was so stupid for not seeing the cliché a mile away. Nathan was never known for his smartness and this just proved it.
Nathan approached the warehouse right when the night sky was turning dawn. He remembered the one time he fell in love with dawn. He was with Haley, of course. They just married and they spent the night awake and compensating their love. He remembered he saw the orange haze floating on the comforter and he raised his head above to see the pretty colors slowly shining through their blinds. He eased Haley out of bed and they stood on their balcony with sheets covering them while they watched dawn approached.
He was so happy then.
He lived in Seattle for three years. He came to this same warehouse that established something bad was going to happen in a movie. He came every time dawn was supposed to approach the horizon. For three years, he never saw dawn because the sky was always a dark, murky gray.
It was a great metaphor for his life.
He smelled the rain in the air and ignored the thunders and water dripping from his blonde hair. His clothes were wet, but he didn't care. He just wanted this meeting over with. He knocked the secret knock and waited exactly two seconds before an eye window swung open. He didn't bother to nod or anything; he just stared at the bodyguard with a blank expression. The same bodyguard that beat the shit out of him three years ago.
It's funny how a routine went.
For three years, Nathan did Dante's dirty work in sports shaving and showed up right before dawn at his headquarters for more direction and a "payoff." He stood outside a warehouse and knocked three times with two beats. He'd stare at the bodyguard who stood watch and never blinked when the door swung open angrily. He'd ignore the bodyguard's shit-eating grin and walk further in the place he'd refer to as evil. He'd stop in front of Dante as the bastard swung gleefully in his chair. The only thing separating them was an oak desk worth more than Nathan's soul.
"Keith Lee!" Dante said, every time. "My man, you are extraordinary."
"My payout," Nathan said, every time. He never looked Dante straight in the eye.
"Keith, Nathan, whoever the fuck you are, why don't you sit down and talk. We actually have a lot in common."
Nathan kept silent. He always did. He didn't want to talk to the bastard who ruined his life.
"Fine," Dante said, throwing a small vanilla envelope on the desk big enough and thick enough to fill a bunch of Benjamin's. "Be a bitch. When's your next game?"
"You know when."
"You know, I'm getting sick and tired, just a little bit, of your fucking attitude. I fucking made you, Keith. I gave you your dream, and this is the treatment I get?"
"You have everything from me," Nathan said, looking up.
This is what he feared. Looking Dante straight in the eye made this uncontrollable anger swell and he feared he'd do something that will get him killed. Even worse, he feared if he did something out of line, Haley and his son could be the pay out.
"There it is. The passion. You don't have it when you're on that court. Do you need motivation, Nathan? Because I'm noticing you hate the game you always loved. If I fucking notice it, it's only a short time before the media notices. And we don't fucking want that, do we, Nathan? Or should I say Keith Lee?"
"No."
"Good. Now be a good little bitch and tell me when you're next game is."
"Thursday. Against Charlotte."
"You're to score under 20. Hell, for the hell of it, let's give you a poor game since you're showing your bitterness. Under 10. Then maybe you'll get your cut for this one, if you show me some respect."
Pfft. Respect. Nathan desperately tried not to think about Haley every time he was around Dante. It was just too painful of what Dante made him give up. But the fact that Dante thought Nathan should respect him after all Dante did made Nathan's anger boil. Nathan screwed his eyes shut and by default thought of Haley. Her beautiful smile, the way her face glowed every time she looked at him and the love in her eyes. He imagined her saying "I love you," and even though his heart raced every time she said it, those words calmed him. The serenity of his wife calmed him from mauling Dante.
Nathan slowly opened his eyes and dropped his gaze to the floor. He nodded once, grabbed the envelope and turned without another word. Each step he took, he replayed what Dante did in his mind.
It's funny how a routine went.
For three years, Nathan did Dante's dirty work in sports shaving. The day after a game, right before dawn, Nathan stood in front of a warehouse that represented everything evil. He'd knock the secret knock, ignore the bodyguard and get directions and a payout from a mob boss that ruined his life. He'd accept the directions and the money and he'd walk away thinking about the catalysis that made him leave his wife.
The anonymous notes about nothing were increasing. Then the large amounts of money on the doorstep. The doorbell rang and Haley told him to answer it. He opened the door to find a box wrapped like a present. Haley was busy in the other room and Nathan took the box quietly in the living room. A feeling settled in the pit of his stomach that he didn't like. He opened the box to find pictures of his wife doing every day things. He swallowed as each picture got more intimate and he almost went ape-shit at the last photo: his wife sleeping and the bare skin of her back showing that the photo was taken after they made love. A tape was found inside the box.
Every day, after Nathan contemplated killing himself, he thought about killing Dante. He thought about hiding the small handgun inside his raincoat and just ending this nightmare. Dante thought he was sheep; someone easily controlled. The bodyguard never checks. He thought about looking Dante straight in the eye and just pulling the gun with lightening speed. Pull the trigger. Shoot Dante between the eyes and never take mercy on the bodyguard. He thought about killing Dante effortlessly since Dante took his life effortlessly, but that bodyguard won't get mercy. He fantasized he'd shoot the bodyguard in his knee and tie him up as he beat him viciously like he did to him three years ago. He'd take a lead pipe and beat his face in until his eye sockets were hollow and his teeth were smashed in. He'd kick his nose in and swing a baseball bat until his jaw was unhinged.
Nathan had a lot of sick fantasies when it came to that bodyguard. But just like he couldn't kill himself, he couldn't become a vicious killer and take out Dante and the bodyguard. And it was the same conclusion.
Nathan Scott was a coward.
October 23, 2008. The South
"Mama, look!" Jamie said, as his head excitedly twisted back.
Haley looked up just in time to see her son twist enough to give him whiplash. Her instincts took over.
"Jamie, be careful!" She said, raising her voice.
Jamie looked at her in shock and she could see the tears build in his eyes. Great, now her son probably thought she was mad.
"I-I sorry, mama," he said, hiccupping as his bravery not to cry crumbled quickly.
She really needed a vacation, but she pushed the stressed thought away as she went to her son and did damage control. She wanted to roll her eyes at how sensitive Jamie was being right now. Why was her son such a crybaby? She slipped and thought that if Nathan was here, her son won't even know what crying was. As she cradled Jamie and explained she wasn't mad and that it was okay, she admonished herself for thinking of Nathan again.
That bastard left, she told herself. He doesn't deserve your what-ifs. So stop it.
"It's okay, Jim-Jam. You just scared mama with how fast you turned your head."
"I just wanted you to see," Jamie said, trying to control his sobs. "People singing, mama."
Haley followed Jamie's tiny finger as he pointed in the general direction to his right. She looked up to see the end of an American Idol ad on TV. She nodded as she cooed her son. For a few minutes she rocked back and forth before Jamie's breaths calmed and he snuggled into the crook of his neck.
One of the plus things about Jamie crying was that he was always exhausted afterwards, which meant a couple hours worth a nap and as bad as it is to say, but it was a couple of hours worth of Haley not dealing with Jamie.
She doesn't know why the stress was getting to her. She's had three years of experience now being a single mother and Jamie wasn't as bad she made him out to be. He just needed attention from his mother, and she understood her son's attachment, but sometimes it was just too much to handle especially being a full-time student. Sure, she had help in the form of Lucas, but Jamie never spent a night without his mother. He just absolutely refused. She loved it, really. But sometimes she just wanted space.
But here's the thing about space. Every time Lucas was able to distract Jamie long enough for Haley to do something for herself, she always thought of Nathan. He sure as hell didn't deserve her thoughts, but she couldn't help it. Her thoughts always wondered to him and she thought if he was happy. Wherever he was, he was probably playing basketball. She'd thought back to that nasty fight they had when they had unprotected sex and Dan put it in his mind that she was pregnant to keep him away from basketball. They worked it out eventually, but she couldn't help but wonder if Nathan really thought that and finally left during her seven-month pregnancy.
Did he love basketball more than his family?
And to top it off, Jamie was showing an interest in basketball. It scared her to death. She knew it was irrational, but what if Jamie leaves her for basketball too? How could an inanimate object be more important than her? She knew it was silly that she feared her son will leave her for a stupid game, but her husband did. And she was way worried that this could be a Scott curse and be like father, like son. Maybe Lucas' sensitivity could turn her son gay…? He's already enough of a crybaby because of him…
Okay, now you're going to hell, Haley thought to herself. You don't wish your son is gay, please forgive me, Lord. I think I really need a vacation.
Haley sighed as tucked Jamie in for his nap. She looked down on his sleeping form and smiled and he mumbled his love and subconsciously put his thumb in his mouth as he curled to his side.
One look at her son was all it took.
A lot of shit happened to Haley, especially the last three years. She wished death on Nathan half the time, but most of the time she hoped he was okay. And it was because of her son. No matter how much Jamie got on her last nerve, she still loved him with everything and it's because of Nathan. They made a beautiful child together. She'll always love her son, crybaby or not, gay or not.
And as much as she wished she didn't, as much as hated him, she'll always love Nathan.
She walked downstairs just when the house phone started to ring. Haley rushed to the kitchen just in case the loud ringing doesn't wake Jamie. Her breathless hello was met with Lucas' cheery voice.
"Hey, what are you doing right now?" He said.
"I just put Jamie down for a nap," Haley said. "Speaking that you called. I think we need to have a little chat about your sensitivity. I think you're rubbing off Jamie."
"Jamie's a crybaby because he's a mama's boy. It happens. I'm a mama's boy and I was very emotional growing up, but sensitivity now gets me chicks. Deal with it; your son is going to be a panty-dropper."
"Lucas!"
"You brought it up! Anyway, I didn't call for this. Can I come over? I got a deal for you."
"What kind of deal?"
"A deal you can't refuse."
End chapter. Please read and review. Again, I'm sorry for the delay and the weekends are open for me now to write freely.
CAli