It Never Seems

As promised, the new chapter and would you look at that, almost 20 pages. I'm getting pretty good at this. Lol. Things are starting to come together and I hope the flow is there, although it may be all over the place with our main characters (personally, for me, I believe.) Enjoy. Read and review if you'd like.

CAli

Ch. 9 – The Dilemma

June 5th, 2009 – The Southwest

Haley kept her eyes closed and tried to control her breathing. She thought the hardest was the quiet when she was first introduced in those small clubs and even though their eyes were clouded in the darkness, she knew they passed judgment. There was something about the fact that every day – thanks to the redundant producers – this was different because of the platform. She was a hopeful on American Idol. Whatever pressure she felt in those small clubs couldn't compare to millions of people watching, and the producers seemed to love reminding her about that small (read: huge) difference.

She pondered if this was their subtle way of mentally preparing her for the live show. Did they really have faith she'd be in the top ten? Was that even allowed to pre-cherry pick which contestants that would boost ratings? She heard conspiracy rumors for years, which was probably why she was hesitant to try out in the first place even before she met Nathan.

She was also wary what this much attention would do to her and Jamie. Her son seemed to love the camera attention and he pretty much had her competition and crew wrapped around his pudgy little finger. She couldn't deny the fact that she and Nathan made a very cute kid and Jamie instantly inherited the Scott charm and quickly learned how to use it to his advantage. The very simple fact that her son could give a toothy grin and it would be like hypnosis had her worried and feared that maybe she was only on this show because of the brownie points her kid magically gravitated. She didn't want to be one of those mothers who used their child for fame and prayed that she wasn't being taken advantaged of and criticized.

She could sing; she knew that, but was she here for an alternative reason? The sinking feeling that she was watched had her fears not so much prominent but lingering on that line that bordered on the beginnings of insanity and full-blown paranoia. Did the producers want her because her story was an instant success in ratings or because it was finally time to show her true talent and that she belonged? Was it both? Cameras were everywhere, documenting everything so she knew she was being watched but that was what made her nervous the most.

This was national television; everyone across the nation and possibly across the world knew her sad story. She knew she would be harshly judged but would the attention bring something unwarranted?. Her and Jamie were exposed now; could that mean Nathan would know where they were now? Would he try to contact her? What about her father-in-law? He disappeared around the time Nathan did and she never really thought about it but now that she was on the brink (maybe) of fame, would Dan recognize her and either try to embrace what potential money and publicity she could bring in or destroy whatever happiness she tried to get as he always had a tendency to do. She was so confused and possibly very well setting herself up into a failed trap.

She felt her chest become a little bit uncomfortable every time she tried to breathe in and belatedly thought if this was a panic attack. Breathing out was starting to get unsteady and her hands felt softer than normal. She quickly brought her hands up to her chest and clasped them together and the skin was slicker. The realization that she was sweating had her lips dried and the need for liquid became unbearable. A delayed second later, she licked her lips and just like that they were dried again. A terrible feeling dropped to the pit of her stomach and she had that prickling feeling again she was being watched.

"Haley, you're up in a second," The PA said as she gently touched her arm and dragged her fingertips down. "Remember, 90 seconds to blow them out the stadium."

Haley whipped her face to the young lady and she felt her eyes zeroed in and focused. Her eyesight seemed to be blurred also and she never noticed. The PA handed her a microphone and she automatically took it. Something caught her attention in her peripheral and she quickly looked in the direction and sighed when it was just a camera panning down from levy to capture her expression. The earpiece inside her right ear sounded off and she completely missed the direction from the live director. His voice was amplified as he seemed agitated that he had to repeat himself but she ignored his tone and like a professional, smiled big and waved like that was her cue all along.

Mama, just sing. Jamie's cute voice that had the simplest tone with a twinge of subtle condescending mixed in echoed in her mind and she took a deep breath. Her son's obvious advice calmed all her nerves and fears for the moment and she was one step closer from something. Utopia, freedom, passion; she had no idea but whatever it was would definitely squash all the doubts.

"Now, fighting for one of those coveted spots in the top 20, she has continually impressed our judges with her powerful ballads and extremely charming son. Ladies and gentlemen, Haley James singing an original song," Ryan Seacrest said.

The PA motioned for her to walk the stage and with one final breath, she briefly closed her eyes again and something in her eyes transformed. She felt the confidence she used to have when Nathan encouraged her to sing with that soft smile she swore he only reserved for her. The confidence wasn't fully there yet, but she still knew she had this; she could sing to the point where everyone in this building was speechless. She stopped in the middle of the stage, gracefully glided down onto the piano bench, delicately pressed the first key and let out a harmony that would make doves cry.

June 6th – 2009 – The Southwest

"Mama, you're going to make it," Jamie said as he wrapped his whole body around her leg.

Haley looked down and hoped her smile had that humble confidence but she was so nervous she was surprised her whole body wasn't shaking and her bottom lip wasn't bleeding with how it was permanently between her teeth. She practically felt the silent trembles in her body and like last night, her breathing seemed irregular. She remembered she felt like this the first couple of days on that small tour but this time seemed different and it finally hit her.

Cameras filmed her knee bounced up and down when she sat until Lucas calmly laid his hand down to stop her. The silent room got too much when it was just her and another guy who was keened on just keeping his head low and she heard the small mumblings of reassurance and prayers as he folded his hands behind his necked and isolated his head. Jamie tried to talk to her and so did Lucas but she couldn't just carry on beyond a sentence. Finally, she couldn't take it, so she just stood up and decided pacing was a good exercise to expel all this out-of-control energy that rumbled throughout her body.

The whole good hour and a half, that stupid camera man just stayed in the corner and filmed her every move and she thought it was odd since there was plenty of other people doing other stuff while they waited for their name to be called until they dwindled where it was just four people. Haley briefly wondered why the other contestant's support system wasn't there but she quickly banished the thought when her eyes flickered over to the camera man again. Something prickled at the back of her neck and she couldn't shake the feeling she was being more than watched. She was sorely aware that the grubby man was documenting her every move, and maybe she was paranoid, but it seemed like it was more than just him who was watching. It was stupid, honestly, but it doubled the nervousness and it was doing a bad number on her.

When Jamie suddenly collided with her leg as she turned to continue her pace, she looked down and automatically calmed because her son seemed to know she was on the verge of a breakdown. There was something erratic in her behavior (she knew) and she was bombarded with this feeling that suddenly inspired her to mask what she was doing and feeling for her son. Jamie had all the confidence in the world in her and she had to back him up somehow with his belief and that simple gesture seemed to get everything going inside of her. Her son wanted her to do this; had the utmost determination that she would win and she couldn't disappoint him. The surge of emotion helped somewhat with her nervous feeling she had all week but she had the strongest will that this dominant feeling wouldn't go away no matter how much she looked at her son or talked with Lucas that she could do this.

"Haley," the PA said as she peeked her head in the door. "The judges are ready for you."

"Just act like they should already say you're in the moment you get in there, mama," Jamie said.

She flat out laughed at his arrogance and fluidly picked him up where he immediately wrapped his baby fat arms around her neck and squeezed. He peppered her with kisses and puckered her lips for a final one which he gave a huge collide, cupped with over-the-top noises. She let him down and made eye contact with Lucas, who gave her the proudest smile and humble nod of the head. As she left the room for her final verdict, she turned her head and saw Lucas slightly bend down and opened his arms and Jamie ran and sat snug on his hip. The scene was so ordinary but made her heart soar that when she turned back around she straightened her body, poised well, and held her head straight and proper. Her body tingled with confidence and will that she was going to win for her son. The judges were enamored with her, the producers were charmed by her son, and most of all, she loved to sing; she was going to get in. Her last intake of breath before she entered the room was slightly uneven but no one could tell the difference but her.

June 6th 2009 – The Southwest

Dan stayed hidden in the very back where the dark welcomed him. It shouldn't be right how comfortable and fluent he seemed with darkness. He never liked the sun or bright lights his entire life and seemed to be his bonafide metaphor he lived by from the moment he was young and preferred to be silent and frightening in the dark than be surrounded by light and positive.

He used to hate his nightlight and when he was three and his parents tried the whole stupid routine of turning it on because all children were afraid of the dark at his age, he barely waited until they shut the door before he yanked the offending thing and threw out his window where it smashed in pieces on the bricks outlining the pathway to his front door. He was annoyed that they just assumed he was afraid when he was the king because he wasn't like most children his age. The dark was his friend; the only time he even tolerated the light was when he played basketball.

He knew at a very young age that he was smarter than most people and with that superior thinking, he felt the world should be privileged by his presence. He knew what everyone did before they knew it; that's why he went beyond excellence in the graceful sport of basketball. He was always one step ahead, always on edge when someone though they could outsmart them in a play. He was always thinking of ways to make people bow down to them. His older brother, Keith, was an idiot. Always caring about others and being sensitive and shit and he was the perfect example of what not to be. Dan knew at a young age that he was quicker, stronger, and smarter than everyone else and anyone who didn't take advantage of that dominance didn't deserve to live. His brother was so fucking stupid for putting kindness before darkness and that's what got him killed.

He was so sick and tired of being frustrated with this guy who was supposed to be his blood; supposed to share the same supreme that they could've been unstoppable. Sure, he had the charms to fake, knew when to marry someone who gave that accelerated reputation, how to get what he wanted with careful warning that had the attached razor-back consequences. Dan Scott knew how to ruin a life, and even his own son wasn't an exception.

He still held a grudge on the universe for taking away the one thing that could complete his hunger for royalty in this world. He had the sheer talent to make people fall in a bow when it came to basketball. He was well on his way into the pros until his knee popped and his life was ruined. That was his ticket; his meaning, his spot, and it was taken just like that, like it was supposed to be some hidden life meaning that was a blessing if he closely looked. He was supposed to be grateful for that? Fuck that shit, so when Nathan came along and showed somewhat close talent to what he had, he pounced on his second chance. Fuck Karen and that bastard child and his brother; Nathan was going to show the world what Dan Scott was made of and he wasn't going anywhere.

He played along when Nathan met Haley. Allowed his own blood, his own kin to think he was breaking away from his mental and physical abuse to be superior. Even let him as far as getting emancipated and married to the little heifer. Mind games were what he was best at and played his son like a basketball game. He strategically gave him a little room to let him think he was in control, eased him to certain spots his son forgot was his weak ones and killed that motherfucker when it was isolated and vulnerable. He planted doubts when he saw the hesitation on that stupid kid's face, made passive-aggressive comments to him and that little girl whenever they were alone and hoped the young marriage thing would turn on them. He almost won when that bitch left his heartbroken son for music; what a pansy-ass career.

He was disgusted with how his son moped when she left. He almost disowned his ass right then and there for falling in love when he had a basketball career to think about. He almost did it too, taking everything his son was worth and kicking him out of his house even when his bitch of a wife thought she was finally taking control back when she changed the locks on his mansion. The nasty words were on the tip of his tongue and the true sneer on his face when he was about to call his son's name and he stopped when Nathan made the first free throw in that drive-way. The way his hand still stayed up in the air, keeping the fluid motion and how the ball rotated like it was poetry and swished through the white net, he stopped his retort and decided to watch. Nine straight shots later with the same fluidity and perfect swish sound and Dan smirked. Nathan still had that raw talent that he inherited from him and that hunger was back. He'd be an idiot to let his son go so he went right back to his game-plan; he separated them, now it was time to convince Nathan he'd be a little worthless shit without him and he needed him in his life. Slowly, he'd love the game more than his wife, divorce papers would be his best friend, and the world would finally owe Dan what he deserved.

Then that stupid little bitch came back after Nathan still wanted to fight for her. His dumb little pussy of a son just couldn't let her go no matter what antics he tried. He sent him away to basketball camp, hired Chris Keller to woo her back in his arms, planted the idea she purposely got pregnant to tie him down, even threatened her but they were sooo in love, please. He threw up a little when his son's eyes shined after the school shooting and he said to his face he was renewing his vows to his wife and he wasn't invited. Then he came to him and said Haley was pregnant and he needed money to pay the bills. He laughed in his face with sinister smile and he meant every word he said when he told his son all the ways he could say no.

Then he got word Dante was in town and targeted his son. At first he was proud that Nathan had such true talent that a loan shark would approach him to make some shady money (which he personally thought money was money and more of it, the more power to influence.) He had no idea how Nathan grew a heart and even begged him one more time for help but he still refused. His son had to pay for how he treated him. Then his imbecile, disgrace of a son stayed true to that petty little thing called morals and threw the game for Dante. He knew Dante was out a lot of money when his son suddenly had a power boost and that gave that prick of a coach, Whitey, his first state championship.

There fell, his perfect opportunity.

His son was getting everything he asked for; happiness with family and dream scholarship with Duke. Happiness wasn't being tied down at the age of 17 and being this upstanding role-model citizen. Happiness was living the party lifestyle while making millions and being superior because no one could touch you or your talent. Why couldn't Nathan see that? He had to destroy that happiness so when Dante was fueled by his anger and desperation and tried to run over Nathan and crashed, he pounced on what would be his pathetic son's downfall. If he fell from grace, so had he. He pulled Dante out of that car, heaved his heavy body on his shoulder and ran to the nearest darkness where he felt completely at home while Nathan looked on bewildered when he sprinted to the smoky car while his pregnant wife laid in the middle of the street, mangled after she took the hit from the car. With the chaos of the police and ambulance, he snuck away five towns over and checked in Dante at the small hospital in Northern North Carolina and called Duke to set up a meeting with their athletic director and head men's basketball coach.

He gave a full grin while he watched his son admit to point-shaving and begging for forgiveness on TV. The shame and devastation on his face as he admitted his poor judgment and his scholarship revoked and how he begged not for the title to be stripped from his coach who deserved it the most. He went on asking for the public to forgive him and action only be taken against him for his wrongdoing and not his team and how he was going to become a better man by admitting his mistake and having the strong support system of his wife and brother and continued to learn to be a better man so his son would be proud of him. Dan had to give props on how manipulating Nathan could be but he was still the master and nothing pulled at any type of emotion as he watched his son stand tall but about to crumble and then the camera flashed to the strong hold Haley's hand had on his and she squeezed. The visual made him sick with anger and he broke his TV. The days following, he held a close eye on Dante and once he woke up he told him in not so uncertain terms that he owed him and he wanted him to destroy his son in the most despicable way possible.

Dante had no problem and immediately agreed on the deal he planned out. It was simple; what do you take away from a family man? His family, in the most undiluted filthy way, Dante once explained. He had glee every time he talked about the progression of how he took Nathan's soul. He agreed with him; happily swam in the same glee but now things were starting to fuck up.

Here he sat in the darkness of an auditorium of a live taping of American Idol in Las Vegas. There was his daughter-in-law, walking with confidence to the middle of the stage as the four judges reviewed her original audition and the last week's performances so far. His upper lip curled in a furious sneer as it sporadically twitched as he looked at her schooled face. His blood seemed to rise in pressure every time he looked at her, his bastard child and his grandson. The three seemed to build a life without his son which it what he wanted initially, but he couldn't help the physical reaction as his body consumed with hate at the sight of Haley fucking James. He was glad she stopped going by his last name because she was common folk; a fucking tutor with a heart that was best friends with his bastard child that didn't even hold a candle of superiority but niceness. There was a reason why he never claimed Lucas as his own and it was because he didn't show the balls to be an asshole that Nathan did when he first learned how to dribble before anyone else his age and bragged about it. Neither Haley nor Lucas deserved the last name of Scott and as far as he's seen of his grandson, neither did the happy-go-lucky child.

He was here simply to make sure Haley didn't get to live out her dream and be on national television. He made sure Nathan was in all parts of mentally, emotionally, and physically detached from the woman and he had this small inkling that if Nathan saw her after four and half years, something might break in his perfect revenge. He couldn't help that her auditions already aired but he could stop her from appearing every week. He never got to live out his dream, so why would this little bitch get to live hers? Nathan's dream changed the moment he met this pathetic bitch and he never got to live it either. So why would she get a chance at happiness when she ruined his family? This wasn't just about stripping Nathan's soul; this whole charade was about exacting revenge on the people that ruined every plan he had from the moment his son shot a basketball at the age of two and made it with that beautiful swish sound. Haley James would suffer just as much as Nathan until the day he died.

If Haley made it to the live shows, he had a suspicion that Nathan would fight back. At one point, Nathan said whenever his wife sang, it brought hope inside him. He believed his son with the sheer look of pure love and devotion on his face. He couldn't risk it even if he contracted Dante for only four and half years. It was an odd number, but he figured with that much time, Haley would learn how to hate and Dante wasn't one for giving up undultered fun even if it had a time limit. Haley should have been stripped of her soul too and singing should've reminded her of the good times with Nathan.

She wasn't supposed to sing.

His lip twitched again as his devil thoughts went to that drug addict that was supposed to be a credited judge. She had that floozy air to her and half the time she couldn't focus on him when he handed her 100 grand to throw the decision on Haley. Her behavior was erratic and she slurred her words; sometimes trailing to an uncompleted mumble before she went right back up again with excitement in her voice after she thought too hard. He wasn't happy that she was the one he wound up with, but she was the most vulnerable and half the time didn't know what she was doing or taking. She was the perfect influence and he silently threatened that she better deliver.

If not, Haley James would have to pay in a way she never expected.

June 13, 2009 – The West Coast

Haley stared ahead like nothing bothered her. Everything around her was nightmare; people with headsets were practically running 100 meter dashes with all sorts of small, expensive electronics in their hands. The PAs she's gotten to know the past couple of weeks were shouting like any other type of voice was unacceptable and one PA particularly loved to snap her fingers. Times were shouted and people hustled around her but she just stayed rooted.

She should've been nervous. This was nothing compared to going to small bars in small towns for a small tour. This was national television and she made top 20. If anything mattered the most, it was this song and performance and her body should've practically been doing the tell-tale physical signs that she didn't belong here. Her hands should've felt slicker, her breathing not that quite regular as it had a pitch every time she'd intake some air, and her stomach should've been cramping like no other as her throat practically felt like it hollowed out with nervous she was.

A PA gripped her shoulder and she slightly jumped at the unexpected, rough contact. It was the only time she showed any reaction in the last fifteen minutes since they last ushered her on stage to mingle with the others that made it and interact with Ryan Seacrest. Backstage was like on auto-pilot with a dead and far-away look on her face. When they dragged her to the edge of the stage for her live audition song for the audience and flurried as they readjusted her outfit and touched up her make-up, she never reacted.

When the PA informed her she had thirty seconds, she mutely nodded and clinched her jaw in just the slightest as she gulped. Her eyes focused on the bright lights that silhouetted Ryan Seacrest as he introduced her and she licked her lips. The PA glided the microphone and she death-gripped it while the live director sounded in her ear. She nodded and the PA spoke into his headset and once again reminded her cue and said in the most bored, professional tone good luck.

This surge of confidence seemed to grow since she was announced last week to making to the live shows and she remembered she collapsed to her knees in shock. She knew she had a lot of things that put in her favor in the thinning process but when all four judges looked at each other and nodded, she couldn't but help suspend her breath as she inhaled. She only guessed the look of vulnerability that stayed permanent on her face was a highlight as they filmed. When they all smiled and Simon Cowell said in his snooty, British accent that she made top 20, her instant reaction was to fall. If there was pain, then this was all real; if she was numb, it was just a big cruel joke.

She felt the sharp stings on her knees and shins and she knew it was real. Her hands cupped her mouth and nose and bawled because it was real and for the first time, something inside her besides sadness and anger tugged at her heart.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Ryan said and even though she was a hundred feet away, his voice still boomed to her. "Haley James, vying for your vote with an edgy choice."

She waited for the music to introduce her and stepped up in the smoky haze with an enticing harmonize. What she chose was something totally different than all the audition pieces and she wanted something to show her versatility and sexiness. Lucas suggested a bang song that no one would expect but was totally her. Jamie wanted her to rap Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back." Lucas had the decency to bow his head when she narrowed her eyes in the sharpest glare. He tried to pass it on Skills, claiming he had it blasting when he took Jamie back to his apartment but he stopped mid-way by the raised eyebrow she gave him and sheeply apologized.

After an hour of brainstorming and skimming her ITunes, she found her perfect song to come out with a fighting bang. She walked down the steps the stage crew built and immediately walked between the band members as they heavily rocked out. She lowered her voice for this one, giving it a husky, sultry feel as she gave a slow tempo to the lyrics. She gazed into the overhead camera that craned by like in rehearsal and gave her best tempting look before closing her eyes when she came into the chorus. She swore her heart lead the way as her voice suddenly changed tempo as she screamed the next lines and she was worried the change of tempo would throw the audience off and her since she hadn't changed speeds in that amount of short time in a while and her air control wasn't the best. However, tonight she seemed flawless, as she nailed the tempo pace like it was as natural as drinking water.

She bent her body as she rocked back and forth on the chorus as she kept her eyes closed. Her hair wildly whipped in the air and she hoped it gave the desired effect as her feet stayed planted and the veins of her necks strained against her skin as she hit the notes. Her hair flipped up as she said the last line and her eyes made contact with the camera in front of her. She gave a sexy smirk as she jerked her head back like she was inviting the camera to follow her back. Her shoulder jutted out as she sassily walked back and picked up a guitar that casually appeared near the bass player and set the microphone on a stand that was hand-in-hand with guitar. She licked her lips before she kissed the microphone as she slowly said the next verse and she played the notes like it was eased. She was so in sync with the band, she grinned at how much fun she was having and in awe with how everything easily smoothed. It was like she belonged here and her adrenaline pumped at the thought.

She played the melody with her back pressed against the bass player and she heard the crowd cheering almost to the point where it drowned out her ears. The cheers fueled her more as she made eye contact with the passing camera again and gave a saucy wink as she quickly put the guitar back, grabbed the mic and jumped on the heightened plank where the drums were. She took a risky move and lowered her voice as she said the bridge with her back to the audience. As the guitars gave the sound effect of practical air waves, she vibed her body in time with the subtle build up. She took a lungful of breath and screamed out the chorus before she jumped off the plank and twisted her body mid-air before she landed on her legs in a skid: all the while singing the chorus. She dragged out the last line as she slowly, like piece by piece lowered her voice as she said each word. She gave a little falsetto towards the end but connected back to her tone when she held the note.

She had to close her eyes to live with the thunderous applause.

And in the after birth

On the quiet earth

Let the stains remind you

You thought you made a man

You better think again

Before my role defines you

June 20, 2009 – The West Coast

Haley thought she'd never feel this way again. When she was the first revealed as safe last week and the camera steadied on her reaction, she was beyond shock. She only made a fool of herself in the beginning when she had no idea the camera panned on her. Her attention was focused on the audience's reaction to the reveal which seemed choreographed with how in sync the applause seemed to explode the building with vibrations. She was distracted and in awe with whom could bring that much excitement to a crowd and she had no idea it was her until the person beside her nudged her. She laughed at her delayed response and bent her whole body to her lap in embarrassment while her hands cupped her mouth and nose.

She earned a few ribbings from Ryan and slight teasing from the judges but she couldn't be bothered with that. Her breath hitched as the cheers got louder as her smile grew and she waved. This was all becoming too surreal pretty fast and she felt like only tonight she should just enjoy it. Everything started to build inside her and she had a hard time breathing even though her composure showed she may get cocky.

The reality set in; this was it and that same feeling tugged at her heart.

After the live results show, producers gathered the contestants and she only listened when they laid out their assignment for next week. Her attention was focused in the beginning but the more they went into mundane like suggestions on what to choose and appointments for wardrobe, the less attention she gave. One minute, she was making eye contact with that British guy and the next her eyes shifted to the right and everything disappeared. She immediately knew what songs she wanted from the artist they were paying tribute to. Everything seemed normal to her but she couldn't shake the feeling that there was something different about making top ten that had her throat dry.

When she met Jimmy Lovine the next day to discuss the songs she wanted to perform, the feeling was still there, but something settled in the pit of her stomach. She was able to practice with a sense of flawless nature as Jimmy kept complimenting her technique and only wanted to tweak a few things. She took his suggestions serious and worked even in her cramped hotel room with Lucas lounging next to her as she wrote her own composition of the songs she wanted to perform.

She was surprised how well-behaved and attentive Jamie was about the past week. Sometimes he would lie on her back and quietly peek over her shoulder as she wrote musical notes and lyrics underneath or fascinate with her notebook next to her, his tiny hand cradling his chin in the exact replica of her mannerisms as his light eyes widened every time she erased a portioned or hummed a note. Every once in a while he would ask what certain notes were and the dumb-down version on how to write music. Sometimes, he would look at her with such awe and amazement as she sang certain parts under her breath. He would keep his intense stare on her lips until he would bust out with a perfect harmonization to match her. His continuation of development always stopped her mid-lyric and Lucas mid-drumming his fingers and she didn't know about Lucas, but she would always give Jamie the biggest, proudest smile and was her constant reminder that maybe she should take a break and spend more time with her son since he was being so good about her constant attention being taken away from him for a national singing competition.

Every day until now she worked with Jimmy either in the recording studio or rehearsals in the auditorium where they filmed and each time she back with new drafts on her performance. In his brash way, he would tell her what to emphasize or to take out and he would constantly be in her space, snapping his fingers. He was making her work and even though something unsettling still stayed inside her, she found herself picking up on what the song needed and what Jimmy was saying. He had this fire every time she was in the room and it wasn't until now she realized how much she was playing off of it.

She didn't realize how much he believed in her and was making her work for it. As she stood in front of these judges after a powerful, emotional performance she realized just how much she thrived on Jimmy's energy. She bit her lip as she felt all the emotional feeling inside her starting to brim over and she knew the camera was focused on how her lower lip trembled. The judges were praising her and she should be giving a mega-wat smile; a smile that showed America she could be their sweetheart if people for her. The smile never stretched her lips though, even when she made eye contact with Lucas and Jamie front row, trying to cheer the loudest than their peers. She felt her body started to tremble as all she could do was nod and meekly thank the judges. Ryan's dapper suit gave a little comfort as he wrapped her in an one-arm hug and asked her if she was okay. He subtlety nodded that she should speak into the microphone and in a daze, lamely explained that she was okay and just overwhelmed at the moment. When he tried to press on, she just slightly shook her head and managed a charming, tight-lipped smile.

"You'll find out in the interview," she coyly answered back and she swore she heard Lucas the loudest in his cheer.

As Ryan accepted her answer and stood straight as he spoke to the stationary camera in front of them, her mind fazed as he explained the voting process once again if America wanted to vote for her. Before they went live, the producers stressed before every show during rehearsal that at this point in the show, they smile, wave, and come up with silly, endearing movements with their number. She remembered the direction, but all she managed as she looked into that camera was just a scared smile.

Beside the camera, the PA counted down until commercial break and Ryan said his scripted transition and played nice with her as he turned his body fully into hers for a hug. Once they got the clear, Haley turned around and walked to the side to backstage. As she took in a huge breath, she finally realized why she was so scared after the positives review.

She wanted this so bad.

This music thing was starting to give her meaning and she was deathly afraid it was going to be taken away from her. So her next song, she had to bring the performance harder than what she practiced. She walked back to the designated area for all the backstage stuff and she literally felt determination built in every nerve inside her with each step she took. A chill ran down her neck to the middle of her spine and she suddenly exhaled that seemed chopped and unstable. She had that creepy feeling again and she whipped her head over her right shoulder but there was nothing in the hallway except indistant chatter then several men speed-walked right by her carrying a boom mic. Chaos seemed to resume around her and after a moment of hesitance, she shook her head and continued to her destination that the PA frantically whispered to her as she exited the main stage.

June 22, 2009 – The West Coast

Haley was exhausted as she slowly slid her door card into her hotel suite. The tiny light turned green and she had to put effort to push the door open with her shoulder and she slightly grunted throughout the motion. Her eyes fluttered as she looked up and made eye contact with Lucas then heavily slump her shoulders as she sighed. Jamie's head was cradled in Lucas's lap with the thumb on the edge of his mouth as he softly snored. Lucas's hand was buried in a clump of sandy hair and she knew she caught him soothing her son.

Lucas completed his action before he gave her a calming smile then leaned his body back, his arms bracing him as he puffed out his chest and small cracks sounded in the room as he cracked his back. She walked closer while dropping her stuff along the way and leaned in to give him a platonic peck before placing a lingering kiss on her son's forehead. She sighed again as she just looked at Jamie, who's sleeping face reminded her so much of her husband when he passed out after practice for an afternoon nap. A wave of sadness suddenly overcame her as she just replayed her actions.

"He tried staying up," Lucas said lowly. "Good session at the studio?"

"Yeah," she said, he eyes glued to Jamie.

"Hey," the tone in her best friend's voice made her look up because she recognized the sensitivity placed all over and it was the only time he used that tone when he noticed she needed to talk. "What's wrong?"

She needed to talk because ever since Las Vegas, she's had this overwhelming feeling. Everything was happening so fast, she really never had time to process everything and she needed her best friend to do that. When she looked up and felt her eyes started to hurt because of the built-up tears forming, she kind of hated herself for the slight tremble in her voice as she gave him her true, raw emotion.

"I can't help but replay the last five minutes," she confessed. "Shouldn't I be doing this with Nathan?"

She saw the look of concern on Lucas's face as she said this and the measured intake of breath he took and she knew he had an inkling this conversation was going to happen and he wanted to prepare himself one last time. The fact that the seriousness in his face showed her how well he knew her and she was eternally grateful for her best friend to stumble (literally) into her live when they were 10 when he tripped on a crack and ran into her. Her balance wasn't that great back then either so when he landed on top of her on the grass where he maneuvered their fall, she knew on some level he would be her protector.

He was her best friend and she sometimes wondered why they couldn't be more but it always stopped at the "what if?" She knew her heart belonged to another Scott and music but when Nathan left, so did her music. She thought it was possible to have both but when one left, it just wasn't the same. She admitted she went off the deep end when her husband left and thought music would never be the same so why try? Now that one was back, was it possible to love without the other? She knew on some level, that was only the surface of the problem and one look from Lucas confirmed he knew her inner struggle. It was time to talk it out and she was scared shitless.

"You should put Jamie to bed" Lucas whispered. "I'll get the beers ready in the next room."

No matter how exhausted she was, she felt stronger and more rejuvenated when she lifted her son by his armpits with ease. She tucked his head into the crook of her neck and was comforted when his even breathing tickled her neck and she couldn't resist leaving another long kiss to his temple. She swayed him a little like when he was baby and he would wake up crying, upset she was nowhere near and wouldn't calm down until he was in the comfort of her arms. She closed her eyes and reveled in the moment before she heaved her arms and lifted him up so she could get a better grip. Like poetry, she flowed with ease as she walked around the bed and with one arm, pulled the comforter back and gently laid Jamie down before pulling the covers back up. She made sure he was in there snug before she smoothed her hand through his hair and whispered that she'd love him and would see him in the morning.

She stood up straight and looked down one more time to gaze at her son. Her emotions were all over the place right now and she felt the tears forming again before she took a deep breath and exhaled a sigh. It was time she'd get things together and the only person that could draft that out with her was in the next room. She licked her lips and with one last look, she forced herself to meet Lucas.

When she entered her room, Lucas laid sideways on her bed with two open beers on the sheets with him supporting the necks. He looked up and made eye contact before he gave her an encouraging smile and cocked his head. She made her way to the bed, and as she walked, he sat up and offered her a beer when she dipped down onto the heavenly bed. Once her knee pressed into the soft material, Lucas reached for hug and even though the cold beer uncomfortably pressed into his shoulder blades, he made no complaints and only squeezed her harder into the embrace. She sighed like she was releasing stress and comfortably reciprocated as she closed her eyes. After a long few moments, he pulled away and silently raised his beer to his eye-level and gave her an obvious look. She chuckled and clinked her beer with his and they both savored in the long gulp of the brewery goodness.

"You miss Nathan, don't you?" He said after a long moment they stopped drinking in silence.

"I've missed him for four years," she said lowly, refusing to make eye contact.

"What's the problem, Hales?"

She finally made eye contact and shrugged. One of her legs were bent as the other laid out. Lucas laid on his side, his beer long gone and the bottle stood lone on the nightstand while she nursed hers. His hands were quietly massaging her foot as he watched her body language.

"Nathan encouraged me to pursue music when we got together," she said. "Once he found out I had a passion, he pushed it. He always used to tell me that I needed to chase my dream so I wouldn't be bitter while he chased his. He wanted me to be happy; that his worst fear was that he held me back."

"And you did. You left him for that tour."

"And I about destroyed him with that decision. I think that's when we both realized we thought we could have both but when I chose one over the other, it was a slap in the face."

"Hales, we talked about this," Lucas shook his head. "The marriage was young. You did something most people would never do. You went after your dream and yeah, he was abandoned and hurt but he doesn't get to play the victim when he left."

"Lucas, when I came back, I said my family was important. When we reconciled, I vowed to him that our marriage was what I wanted the most and was what made me happy. So yeah, when he left, I thought maybe he didn't feel the same, that he was just doing it because nothing came along and when something did…"

"To play devil's advocate, do we even know for sure he's playing basketball? I mean, you would think his name would be in the pros or scouting reports or something but since he disappeared, nothing. He was down, I admit with the whole Dante thing but overall he seemed happy that you guys were going to have Jamie soon."

"How is that helping anything?" She gave him a perfect you're an idiot look and he had to chuckle which brought her out of her serious moment too.

"Right. That's my cue for another beer." He momentarily stopped her massage and sat up and reached the other side to grab an unopened bottle and bottle opener.

The other nightstand was lined up with at least five other bottles and she had to smirk to herself. Of course Lucas would stock up for this conversation. For that simple fact, she loved her best friend almost like she loved her son.

After he took several long gulps, he went right back to his slow massage and she found herself gulping copious amounts of the beer she was nursing also. This conversation was a doozy and she felt the more liquor, the better her thoughts. The contradictions always made sense when it came to the complications; at least, that's the best, acceptable answer she could come up with.

"I don't know, Lucas," she said as she looked down at her lap. "I was angry and hurt when he left me seven months pregnant with just a fucking note. I shut down. I focused on Jamie and being logical and because my passion for music was jumpstarted by Nathan, I always found it synonymous. In my mind, music just brought me pain and grief so I stopped. If I couldn't have Nathan, then I couldn't have music. I remembered thinking that so many times when I looked at Jamie or felt myself not caring about an assignment for class. It was my reminder that I needed to get real so I fell out of love with music."

"Now that's changed."

The way Lucas said it made her snap her eyes up to look at him. The seriousness and understanding was clear as a cloudless sky. He knew that was the root of the problem and why she felt so weird the last few weeks. He was right; something had change and she's been living her life a certain way for four years. For that routine to be abruptly changed by something she convinced herself as so trivial and unrealistic was almost heart-stopping to her, maybe even downright panic attack inducing. She felt every day this growing passion that has been slowly rebuilt from the bottom of her heart to now full and bursting. The very thought that she could love music again and without Nathan made her feel like that any step she took would be overwhelming and trigger an actual panic attack.

"How can I love music without Nathan?" She asked sullenly.

"The same way America keeps voting for you on American Idol." Lucas stopped massaging her foot and sat up to grip her shoulders and forced eye contact. His voice was nothing but conviction. "Hales, they see it. America sees how much you're falling back in love with music and I know you're scared that this all happening. You belong to sing; this is your destiny and I think what Nathan has done has held you back long enough. You want this, right?"

"More than anything. I want Jamie proud, but the long hours, the rehearsals, the fast-pace of it all, I realized just how much I want this for the rest of my life. And I'm scared shitless, Lucas. I want this so much that I'm afraid I won't get it after how much I poured myself and opened up again."

"You know I have all the faith in the world for you and you know America does too. Why else would they vote you on top the last two weeks? What do you think is holding you back?"

"I keep fantasizing that Nathan should be here but he's not. I accepted the fact I was going to be a single mother, trying to do something mundane and medicore just to provide for my son. Nathan left. Plain and simple and I would never fully know the reason why and maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm just holding on to something that will never come true. Maybe I can fully focus on this thing to the extent that it deserves if I make a change."

"And what's that?"

She broke eye contact and once again focused on her hands in her lap. She switched her beer from her left hand to her right and took another long gulp and finished the liquid, tasting the effects of the alcohol laced in the foam. She held out her left hand and let go of her grip on the bottle that lopsided on her lap. Her right hand came up and started twirling the simple gold band on her left ring finger before she slipped it off. She held it in the shitty ambient light and just stared while Lucas watched her moves with a sharp glare.

"Maybe I should finally get a divorce."

May 30, 2009 – The Northwest

Nathan held his simple gold band ring that he kept hidden on a simple ball-silver chain in the nightstand beside his bed. Whenever he slept and would wake up in the middle of the night after a sporadic nightmare, he would grip the jewelry under his pillow like it was his lifeline after the sweat felt cold on his skin. The days where the thought was a little too tempting to take his life, his eyes always glanced at the hidden ring and slowly, he'd felt himself crawling out of the dark thoughts that swirled his mind on a constant basis. For four years, the bland ring kept hidden in dark space but always brightened with hope.

He never wore because he was ashamed and wasn't worthy of a simple circle that signified his love and devotion to his wife.

He sure as hell wasn't worthy of the ring after everything, but now he can't stop thinking about the object and how it would look like back on his ring finger. Ever since he saw his wife and son on American Idol two days ago, he couldn't stop obsessing over the fact that maybe this was the sign he was subconsciously looking for. He accepted long ago that he took the opportunity away to see Haley ever again with doing the unthinkable (they both feared he would up and leave like his father did with Lucas). However, if they were really soul mates, and he held the belief deep down within his shame and agony, that they would cross paths if their love ran that strong.

Maybe it was the faith that after everything they went through, they would still fight. He'd admit he didn't try because he viewed his actions as unforgivable but out of the two of them, Haley was always the strongest. Even when he became an ass when she came back from that tour and did everything to push her away because of his defense mechanism, she still stood her ground and fought. He was so damn in love with her, he knew he was going to give in but his father's words that so easily manipulated his brain delayed the evitable. However, she stood – strong and firm – and kept fighting and finally broke through his barriers once she opened her mouth and sung a song that she wrote about them while on tour.

Maybe when shit went down with Dante, he always hoped that she would still fight. The timing of the disappearance surely would not have made sense to her, judging by his behavior the couple of weeks before he got that faithful picture of her in crosshairs of a sniper. He was elated, even more in love with her and talked about finding various odd jobs if he had to for their family. He remembered cuddling Haley the night before he got the package, complete bliss as his fingers slowly traced indescribable patterns on her swollen belly and softly spoke in her ear his five-year goal with her and his son. He grinned every time she giggled, claiming his breath was tickling her skin and it was adorable.

Since the very beginning, he hoped that she wouldn't give up and fight. The logic of it all never made sense and he was riding that she would pick up on that. He imagined she would raise questions, poke, prod, hell even get angry at his disappearance. He prayed she would be defiant and adamant that his leaving never made sense and head-strong to find him. He had faith that she would hire a private detective and once again, inadvertently save his ass.

She never came, though.

There was nothing the first couple of months after he left, he was so sick and hated himself that he stripped her of her will. The monumental impact of him leaving left an irreparable hole in her soul; he swore he felt it. He never fought because she finally didn't and he felt so lost and despicable for hurting the one person who loved his heart.

But everything has changed now. He saw her and his son and in his erratic mind this was what made him stop himself from taking his life. Something inside always kept the faith he would see them again and now that he has, everything made sense. Haley always fought for their relationship, stood by him, and repeated that he was the most important thing to her; music would never compare and that she would do anything to make sure they stayed together until death separated them. Maybe now it was time he'd prove the same thing.

He wanted his family back. He wanted that cozy house in a nice neighborhood where he could teach his son basketball and how to make a fire. He wanted that sunset view in his backyard where he could just snuggle his wife on a swinging bench and tell her from the time they woke up until the time they closed their eyes each night that he loved her and would do anything to make her feel loved and protected. He closed his eyes at the fantasy as tears started to form behind his vulnerable eyelids. God, what he would do to prove to her he would never leave if she'd just take him back.

It was the most natural thing to do in the moment. As he laid in bed, not a care about anything, not even a glance at the alarm clock and be overwhelmed with a sense of dread that he'd have to go to practice or meet Dante, he just stared at the object in front of him. Silently, he unclasped the chain and dropped the ring into his palm and he examined it with awe and delicacy. Carefully, he picked it up between his thumb and index finger and watched as it dully glistened in the sunshine that rarely made an appearance. He closed his eyes again and took a deep breath. He was going to fight.

With ease, he slipped his wedding ring back on his left ring finger.

End of Chapter 9. I hope it was truly a dilemma. Review if you'd like.

Song credit – Show Me How to Live by Audioslave

CAli

ed to the right and everything disappeared. She immediately knew what songs she wanted from the