Wires and Waves
Summary: 4x21. Rory has enough money for a cab and so doesn't call Dean for a ride home. Jess shows up too early and, while waiting outside her dorm, has a chance to re-think his proposal. Season 5 re-write: What if Rory stayed in touch with Jess throughout his transformation into the guy we see in Season 6?
A quick apology to continuity-pedants: the timing here is not always going to be completely true to the show, for the sake of the plot. Sorry!
Episode: Say Goodbye to Daisy Miller
Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did, this would be a lot better written.
Chapter 2: Avoidance
Rory froze. When she later came to think back on that night (which, believe me, she did many a time) she could have sworn that before looking at the phone – in fact, from the second it started to ring – she had known exactly who was calling.
The moment her lips lost contact with Dean's and the trance that had come over her was broken, a rapid swell of guilt and shame swept over her. It was this sudden burst of feeling that left her paralysed long enough for Dean to look over and see the caller ID on her phone. His expression was enough to confirm her suspicions as to the origin of the call. He picked up the phone to show her Jess' name flashing across the screen briefly, before the ringing finally stopped and the pair was enveloped in tense silence.
"Rory," he finally started, and his tone of voice along with the muscle twitching furiously in his jaw made her feel as though she was outside a bid-a-basket festival, in her kitchen surrounded by a care package from Luke's and in the middle of a dance marathon all at once, "why is Jess calling you?"
"I-" Rory started, her Yale-educated mind suddenly drawing a complete blank.
"Are you two...?" he trailed off, but his disgusted expression left her able to fill in the blanks.
"No!" she replied, glad to have a definitive answer for something. "Of course we're not back together; you know that could never happen."
"Then what is he doing calling you? And why is his number saved on your phone? I thought you hated the guy now and suddenly you're back to being best pals?"
"I do!" she lied instinctively – although anger still made up a large portion of her confused knot of feelings towards Jess, she couldn't say hatred had ever truly factored into it. "And we're not! We're just...talking."
"Oh, that's funny, because I seem to remember the last time you two were 'just talking' and it didn't work out too great for me," he spat out, bitterly.
"This is completely different – he lives in New York, for one thing. And for another, I have no interest in being his friend, I just want to not feel awful every time he comes to town!" she asserted, her stomach squirming slightly at another liberal use of the truth.
"Well, if you can't even be in the same town as the guy it sounds to me as though he still has a pretty strong effect on you."
She paused, not knowing what to say back. "Dean, I thought that you and me...that we were..."
"Yeah," he sighed, "me too. But if it's just going to be a repeat of two years ago then what's the point, Rory?"
A stray tear rolled down her cheek. "What can I say to convince you that it'd never be like that?"
Dean hesitated, and then replied, "Delete the number."
"I can't," Rory replied instantly, without really understanding why she felt so resolute in this decision but quickly grasping onto a justification, "because this is never going to work if you can't trust me."
Dean just stared at her for a moment, before saying, "I guess this isn't going to work then," and turning to leave.
Suddenly terrified of losing the security she thought was finally within her grasp, she cried out in desperation, "Dean, I- I love you!"
Dean paused, but didn't turn around. After a moment, he said, "So, we have a fight about Jess and you try to fix it by stuttering that out? Seems exactly the same as two years ago to me," and left.
Rory slumped back onto her bed, gazing at the empty doorway in shock as she tried to process everything that had just happened. Unless she was completely mistaken about where things had been headed a moment ago, she had just almost slept with Dean. Safe, dependable, married Dean. As thoughts of Lindsay and the ensuing guilt began to flood her mind, she had trouble deciding whether that phone call had been her salvation or her undoing. She feebly tried to think of the justifications that had flittered through her mind during their earlier conversation – they were soon to be separated, Lindsay wasn't right for him, he loved her – but each seemed more flimsy than the last. Far too many women got strung along by married men on the promise that they'd leave their wives, a promise usually whispered soothingly post-coitus as the glow began to fade and the doubts began to creep up. And as for Lindsay not being right for him, who the hell was she to decide? Lindsay had never fallen for someone else while with Dean, had never strung him along as she had. And besides, this whole year she'd been judging her from a few glimpsed arguments and the warped perspective of the bitter ex-girlfriend.
As she considered the last of her justifications, she couldn't help but go back to her own desperate declaration of love of a moment ago. Did she love him? The eternal question: the one that had haunted her as she stared at him blankly on their first anniversary, during the whole of her trip to Washington, and now again that night. She definitely trusted him, and felt safe and comfortable around him. She also genuinely enjoyed his company, and she recognised so many aspects of his personality that she loved: his kindness, loyalty and reliability ranking highest among them. Yes, she thought to herself, I do love him. Or at least I did. This was the conclusion she'd always reached, and then it always led on to a much more unsettling question: But have I ever been in love with him? And the answer, as ever, came back a resounding 'no'. Back in their first year together, she'd sort of assumed that she was in love with him, that the excitement that mostly came with being in her first ever relationship was entirely down to him. But then she'd felt what being in love really was – she'd met someone who surprised, excited and stimulated her all at once. And since then, she'd known that she'd never really been in love with Dean.
Thinking about it now, she wondered whether she even really did love him anymore. After the sudden pain of being so abruptly and inconclusively dumped the year before, she'd almost immediately craved the security of the boy who'd never have done that to her. And then it was time to move to Yale, and with that came yet more longing for the comfortable and familiar – and that wasn't love.
This revelation helped soothe Rory's nerves somewhat, though she still felt a great sense of loss for the security that, she came to realise now, had never really been attainable. Her mind began to drift away from Dean altogether and quickly latched onto the person whose phone call had caused this sudden epiphany. There was never any doubt that she'd been in love with Jess; she'd fallen for him quickly and hard in a way that she'd never done before and, in the back of her mind, she knew that all her strong reactions to his comings and goings this year meant that traces of those feelings still remained. No, her problem with him had been exactly the opposite: she'd never loved him. How could she? During the whole of their relationship she'd never gotten the hang of trusting him, and trust was so connected with love in Rory's heart that she'd never gotten to that stage with him. So, while she'd felt all the passion and excitement of being in love, she'd never felt the comfort and familiarity that would have made their relationship possible in the long term.
Her thoughts were quickly interrupted by the sound of the front door opening, and her mother's voice soon rang through the house. She quickly brushed away her lone tear and grabbed the discarded stack of CDs, only barely taking in all the things her mother was saying to her from afar: something about big news, a camera, and a naked Kirk? She can't have heard that right.
Shoving on a happy face, she went out to greet her mother. As she started to leave the room, her phone started to ring once again. She paused, staring at it, before deciding that she could only deal with so much confusion in one night and shutting her door on her room, leaving the offending object ringing away to no one on her bedroom desk.
A day later, Rory was packing for Europe.
Okay, so this was definitely not how she'd expected her summer to go, and when her Grandmother had made the offer earlier that day, her first instinct had been to say no. But then, she'd begun to think of what her summer would otherwise entail: awkward run-ins with Dean, yet more Jess-related confusion, and, although she couldn't be more happy for Lorelai after she'd told her about what had happened with Luke, she felt a slight gnawing sensation in her stomach at being around for all the lovey-doveyness while her own romantic life was in such extreme turmoil. And so, to her mom's great surprise, she'd said yes. After a long conversation with Lorelai about how she couldn't possibly pass up another chance to go to Europe, and that Emily probably needed company after what had happened with Richard, and how of course her decision had nothing to do with her, and how she'd call her every day, Lorelai had doubtfully accepted her decision and had gone back to work at the inn, leaving Rory alone at the house.
As she scanned her room for things to pack, her gaze landed on her cell phone. She picked it up, looking at the two missed calls on the screen. Her thumb hesitated over the 'call back' button for a moment before pushing it.
She held the phone to her ear with her shoulder so that she could keep packing as it rang. After a few seconds, she heard the click of him picking up and a sleepy-sounding, "Hello?"
"Hi," she replied, before adding, "were you still sleeping? It's like eleven o'clock."
"My roommate decided to have a screaming match with his girlfriend for half the night and there aren't exactly many places to escape from noise what with the luxury one-room apartment set up we've got going on here."
"At least you don't have to overhear Paris' conversations with her boyfriend-slash-professor."
"She's dating her professor?"
"Well, my professor, technically, but believe me, that distinction only makes things worse."
"I'm gonna need to cut off this line of conversation here, I really can't listen to the tawdry affairs of Paris Gellar before breakfast."
"Sorry," Rory replied with a grin. After a slight pause she said, "And, um, sorry I didn't pick up last night: I was at Mom's inn for the opening night and I left my phone at home."
"Oh yeah? How was that?"
"Picture the Bracebridge Dinner with fewer horse rides and one hundred percent more Kirk nudity."
"Okay, that's going to need an explanation."
"What happened to the pre-breakfast censorship of disturbing topics?"
"Curiosity wins out over self-preservation in this case."
"Nuh-uh, I'm not going to be responsible for relaying that level of pre-meal disturbingness, you're just going to have to wait."
"Tease," he joked.
"You've got to be used to it by now," she shot back, before realising with alarm that this conversation was bordering uncomfortably close to flirtation and deciding to dial it back. "So, guess what happened to me this morning."
"I'm pretty sure I've made my feelings pretty clear on the whole guessing thing."
"Fine," she said with a roll of the eyes, "I agreed to go to Europe for the summer with Grandma."
"Huh," he replied, surprised, "I bet Lorelai's just thrilled about that."
"I'm pretty sure she's going to be otherwise occupied this summer anyway: her and Luke kissed last night."
"Another visual I could do without, I must say."
"Aw, come on, it's sweet! And hardly unexpected."
"Oh yeah, it's just adorable, potential-cousin-in-law."
Rory paused, the ick-factor suddenly occurring to her, "Okay, now it's my turn to veto the subject."
"I've got to get ready for work now anyway."
Rory couldn't help feeling slightly disappointed that the first completely comfortable conversation she'd had with him in a year was being cut off so soon, but quickly recovered, replying with a neutral tone. "Bye, Jess."
"Bye, Rory."
A/N: Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it! Please review – it's what keeps me writing