Have I mentioned that I don't own anything Twilight-related? No copyright infringement is intended.
SarcasticBimbo makes these chapters look so much prettier.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN—EDWARD
.
.
.
Well, that went down in the worst possible way. Bella wants to kill Emmett, Emmett wants to kill me, and Charlie may or may not help him hide my body. This is exactly what I hoped wouldn't happen. But I took the risk, knowing I could potentially ruin the most lasting friendship I have, and now I have to pay the price. My friendship with Emmett may never recover.
I'd do it all over again for her.
One thing I won't do is stand in the way of Bella's relationship with her brother. I grew up watching my friend dote on his sister, and I know how much she loves him, no matter how mad she is. I just hope I can find a way to fix this.
In spite of all the bad decisions, I feel a million pounds lighter now that our relationship can be out in the open, and part of me is ridiculously happy. The other part is ridiculously pissed at my might-be-former best friend. Sure, I fucked up by keeping my feelings for Bella a secret, but I've been his best fucking friend for more than twenty years. That he assumes I'll just use and discard her infuriates me. He should know I'd never hurt Bella. I'd die first.
After I dress in fresh clothes, I wait on the bed, elbows on my knees, surreptitiously watching as she pulls on the wrinkled dress, grumbling about a ripped seam. I try to hide a smug smile behind my hand, but she catches me.
"I don't even remember you doing this. Did you have to rip it?" But she's grinning too. Probably because now she won't have to pretend she'll wear it again.
"I was in a hurry to get you naked." Why lie? She's lucky I didn't tear the damn thing in half. She was so beautiful last night, but she always looks beautiful, no matter what she wears. Being paired up with her all night without being able to touch her like I wanted to was torture.
A pretty blush stains her cheekbones as she tugs the zipper as far as she can get it.
I take advantage of the opportunity to touch her again and head over to help. Taking my time, I brush a soft kiss on her bare shoulder and ask, "Did you ever find your panties?" My smile becomes a smirk when she shoots me a playful glare.
"Yes, but they won't do me much good." She grabs them from her tiny little bag and holds them up, demonstrating like she's a Price is Right model.
"Sorry." Not sorry. Not even a little bit.
She snorts a laugh. "I bet."
Sometimes, it's like she reads my mind. It's disturbing how much I like it.
"Can I borrow your hairbrush? My hair is kind of a mess."
"I don't have one." My fingers do just fine, thanks.
Bella rolls her eyes. "Of course you don't. No wonder your hair's always a mess."
"You told me it's 'hot,' if I remember correctly."
She smiles wryly. "I did, and it is, but we're talking about my hair, which needs quite a bit more maintenance. You and your wandering hands turned it into a rat's nest."
I stand and walk to her slowly. "You like me, and my wandering hands. Your hair is not a rat's nest. It's beautiful." I reach her and pull her close, one hand at her waist and the other spearing into her hair—where it tangles. Oops. "Wow, I'm sorry about that."
"Not so beautiful now," she laughs.
"Yes, beautiful." I bend down to lay a soft kiss on her smiling lips. "You are always beautiful. And I love you … and your rat's nest."
She pats me lightly on the chest. "You're lucky I love you, too. And your smart mouth."
I kiss her again, but she pulls away too soon.
"I've gotta get back to my room so I can change. Don't want to piss anyone else off by showing up to the brunch mid-walk-of-shame." She wrinkles her nose, and I know she's thinking about Emmett.
Putting a finger beneath her chin, I tell her, "It's not a walk of shame. Are you ashamed? I'm certainly not ashamed—not of you and me. I'm not proud of sneaking around, for wanting to keep us a secret. But it was never because I was ashamed of you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
She throws her arms around my neck and hugs me with her whole body. "It's the same for me. I'm glad we can be honest with everyone now, because I want them all to know how happy you make me."
I squeeze her tight and say nothing, because I'm afraid that no matter how happy we make each other, it won't be the case for everyone else.
.
x
.
Brunch is awkward, as you might imagine—if you factor it by ten and then square it.
We silence the room just by walking in, Emmett spends the whole meal watching me like he's itching to get in a few (okay, a lot) more punches, and Bella returns Emmett's glare with the fury of a sibling that's been bossed around one too many times. To be honest, I'm a little afraid of both of them. I'm already on Emmett's shit list, and I never want to be on Bella's bad side, that's for sure.
When I dare make eye contact, Charlie regards me with the poker face to end all poker faces. I have absolutely no idea what the man is thinking, and that scares me a little. Charlie has always liked me, but that was before I slept with his daughter.
We make the rounds with most of the guests; surprisingly, no one asks about my face, though they sure stare at it. My parents are concerned, but I beg them to let me explain later. I'm sure the way Bella and I stay glued together while Emmett shoots death rays at me is enough to give them an idea.
Bella uses the restroom right before we make our escape, and that's when Emmett corners me. I try to pretend that we're not being watched, but it's pretty impossible. The heavy weight of staring eyes makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Then again, it might be the looming argument. Emmett already got one free punch; he won't get another.
"If you hurt her, I'll do a hell of a lot more than punch you," he growls. "You're supposed to be my friend. You should have talked to me. Instead, you took the coward's way out and fucked my sister behind my back."
"It's not like she's yours to give away, Emmett," I hiss. "She doesn't need your protection, and even if she did, she doesn't need protection from me!" I try to keep my voice down, but it's damn hard when I want to get in his face, if only to make him really listen to me.
"She damn well does. She's carried a torch for you for years. You can break her, man. Don't tell her you love her, give her the one thing she's wanted for half of her life, just to make her one of your many flavors." While his words are quiet, they drip with derision.
My hands are shaking fists at my sides. "She is not. A. Flavor. I'm in love with her, and nothing will ever change that."
Bella comes up behind Emmett with a full-on, scary as hell bitch face. Rose trails behind her, looking amused. At least she's not pissed at us for screwing up her wedding brunch. A half smile sneaks across my face as Bella stalks up to her brother, grabbing his arm and digging her nails in.
"I will have Rose drag you out of here if you don't leave him alone. I'm not even kidding."
I don't need her protection, but part of me takes pleasure in her need to defend me. She's like a tiger cub. I take her hand and gently pull her to my side, doing Emmett a favor, since she has to release his arm in the process.
"You just remember what I said, Cullen," Emmett threatens, staring me down.
I smirk. "Not a problem."
"I'll put you in the hospital next time."
Rose steps in. "All right, Killer. We still have to be civil. Go. Sit your ass down, and calm the fuck down." Her ice-blue eyes give him a look that isn't to be fucked with, and Emmett reluctantly follows her back to their table.
I let out a breath, watching them go. When I glance at Bella, her eyes are incredibly sad as she watches her brother reclaim his spot at the head table. He spends the rest of brunch glowering at us. The two of them have always been inseparable, and now that's gone. I don't want that for her, for either of them. Growing up with both of them gave me an opportunity to see firsthand how much they love one another. Now, that connection is broken.
And it's all my fault.
.
x
.
We don't say much on the ride home. A steady drizzle coats everything in gray, brightening the evergreens and amplifying the grassy-green lawns. The rain gives me an excuse to focus on the road more than usual. Bella is lost in her own thoughts, and I'd give anything to know what she's thinking. I've had enough of my own. No matter how many times I try to puzzle them out, I end up in the same place.
I've destroyed my friendship with Emmett, and I can't do the same to Bella. I won't be the reason she doesn't speak to her brother; she'll never be truly happy if she loses him.
There's only one conclusion—I need to step back.
As much as it will kill me, as badly as it might hurt Bella, she and Emmett could still repair their relationship if I don't stand between them. It's the only reparation I can make for my oldest friend, and the only gift I can give to the woman who has my heart, even if she won't understand it at first.
Even thinking about it rips at my chest, squeezes my heart to a bloody pulp. Bella has become my life in only a few short months. Or maybe she always was, I just didn't know it when we were younger. I have no idea how I'll do it, how I'll live without her—but it's the only way. Bella will get over me.
I was never good enough for her in the first place.
"What are you thinking about?" Bella's soft voice startles me.
Pulling into her tiny driveway, I cut the engine. I can barely look at her. Avoiding her question and her eyes, I suggest, "Let's go inside." I grab the umbrella and retrieve her overnight bag from the trunk before helping her out the passenger door. I keep her dry, leaving myself out in the rain. It seems fitting. I can feel her gaze on me the whole way.
I leave the umbrella on the porch and guide her inside and up the steps, where I set her overnight bag next to the tiny table near the entryway. She sits on the couch with a sigh, holding a hand out to me, but I don't follow her.
"Aren't you coming in?" she asks in a puzzled voice.
I suppose I should make eye contact while I say what I'm about to, so I approach the couch and sit at the opposite end. I still can't bring myself to look at her. She's too beautiful, too good, and I'm about to crush her.
"Edward, what's wrong?"
She scoots toward me on the couch, and I lean away. If she touches me, I don't know how I'll be able to do this.
"Seriously. You're acting really weird. It's making me worried."
I take a huge breath and blow it out. "I don't think this is a good idea." Finally, I'm able to meet her eyes, and they're big, brown, beautiful, and full of confusion.
"What's not a good idea? Sitting on the couch? Staying in tonight?" Her voice is wary, making me feel like an utter shit.
I am, of course. I'm a completely heartless bastard for hurting her like this.
"This. Us. It's not a good idea right now." There's a tremble in my voice, and I hope she doesn't notice.
"What?" she asks flatly, her brows winging down in displeasure.
Good. If she's pissed off, this might be easier. God help me if I make her cry.
"We can't do this anymore. You're so young. We just don't … fit." I'm bleeding out inside, but I can't let her know it.
"What do you mean, we don't 'fit'?" Her hands curl into fists at her sides and her back stiffens. "I'm too young for you? How the hell does an eight year age gap mean I'm too young for you? I'm twenty-three, not thirteen!"
"You're still in grad school. You should be focused on your studies. I'm more established in my career path—"
"You're barely out of residency, Edward. Get over yourself."
She's so fucking right—I'm swimming in bullshit up to my neck, but I'm clinging to any flimsy reason I can find just to keep from falling at her feet, and taking back everything I've just said.
"I remember when you were born, Bella. I think I even sat on your parents' couch with Emmett while we fucking held you."
She shoots up off the couch and glowers down at me. "That sure didn't seem to bother you last night, when you were fucking me."
Squeezing my eyes shut at all the images those words evoke, ones that have nothing to do with watching her grow up and everything to do with the grown woman I'm in love with, I grit my teeth and take her anger, feed on it.
"I can't do this anymore. I've been selfish, and now you and Emmett won't speak to one another. If I'm not in the picture, things can go back to normal."
"I know you're an only child, so this might be news to you, but siblings fight. It hasn't even been a day since Emmett found out! Why are you giving up so easily?" Her eyes glisten, and one tear falls. She swipes it away, appearing more angry than before. "You're a coward, Edward. Was Emmett right? Now that you've had what you want, are you done? Do you not want me anymore?"
"No." It's all I can get out through the tightness in my throat, the suffocating ache in my chest. I want to explain, to tell her no, it's not that I don't want her, it's because I want her too much. I want her happiness above my own, and I know she needs her brother more than she needs me.
"You don't want me," she whispers, her eyes going flat.
"I don't want to destroy your family," I explain quietly, and hope those words are enough.
Bella is silent, watching me with a somber, hopeless stare. Needing to touch her one last time, I take a chance and cup her face with shaky hands. Her forehead is cool, clammy on my lips as I press a soft kiss above her brow. "Take care of yourself, please," I whisper, fighting the sting in my eyes and the words on my tongue. I love you.
Unable to stand it a minute longer, I head for the door and quietly shut it behind me, leaving her alone.
I wish I could take her pain away—make it like I never even existed.
Unfortunately for both of us, that's impossible.
.
x
.
A broken water main on my route home gives me plenty of time to think. Somewhere during minute nine of gridlock, I realize what I should've known the minute this stupid idea formed in my head—I've made a terrible mistake. I promised Emmett I wouldn't hurt Bella, but what's the first thing I do?
I didn't just hurt her, I crushed her. And now no one is happy—not Bella, not Emmett, and certainly not me.
What in the ever-loving fuck have I done?
Did I really just devastate the love of my life because I thought it would be better for her? Who the hell am I to make that decision? I think of the tears that welled in her eyes, how only one of those fuckers fell. She blinked those tears back and tore me a new asshole. My Bella is strong and brave, knows what she wants and goes for it. Today, I'm the complete opposite.
Desperate to take back everything I said, I dial Bella's number and wait, heart in my throat, pounding in my ears.
Voicemail.
I can't say I'm surprised. I leave her a rambling, pleading apology, and try again anyway.
Voicemail.
Since I'm not going anywhere in this fucking traffic nightmare, I figure it's safe to text.
Please call me. I made a mistake. I love you.
Nothing. Not even those stupid dots.
I send off a few more messages, but there's no response to any of them.
I'm such a fucking idiot. Maybe she shouldn't forgive me. Leaving her like that, letting her think I don't want her, it was the lowest thing I've ever done.
I pound my steering wheel in frustration, wishing I could plow through the other cars and speed back to Bella's place. Why couldn't I have had this epiphany in her fucking driveway? Or at least some point where I could turn around, drive back to her house, and beg her to forgive me. I can't believe I ever thought leaving her was the best idea. What a dick move.
I've got a lot of work to do, if I'm going to make it up to her. And I'm going to make it up to her.
Emmett said I'm not good enough for her, and he might be right. But I will be.
.
.
.
Oh, shit. He New Mooned her. Please don't kill me—at least he came to his senses, right? Now, what the heck will Bella do about it?