Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls!

Title: Double Dealings

Summary: The gnomes and the Manotaurs are threatening battle in an effort to decide which species is better. Dipper and Mabel are prepared to profit off this.

Setting: Teen!Delinquent AU

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willam and jack and jake- Thanks!

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Jeff the gnome gestures to a harshly beaten path, complete with sharp thorns and stones. Gnomes are skittering into the trees around the path, presumably to keep their soft hands safe from the rougher interior. "This is it. One of the most used paths to the Manotaur cave."

Dipper gifts the leader an awkward grin. "Thanks, man. This is exactly what I needed."

"Sure, sure, whatever." He waved it off. "See if you can get something juicy, alright? Secret weaknesses, maybe a diary or somethin'. See if we can burn their food supply."

"We're having one fistfight, Jeff. They're still technically our allies."

"The gnomes don't mess around, boy. They dare to threaten us, then they dare to face our wrath!" Jeff clenched his shaking fists, smiting the forbidding wood before turning back to him. "So, uh, little side note? Why is your sister here?"

Mabel stalked up to the duo with a baseball slung across her shoulders. Clad in a white sleeveless t-shirt, brown shorts, neon rainbow shoes with black shoelaces, and a nice pair of sunglasses, she blew a bubble with her gum and lowered her shades to examine the gnome. "Is there a problem here, Jeffy?"

Jeff looked less than impressed. "Uh, yeah. This is a gnome problem. Not a gnome-plus-sibling problem."

"And here I thought you loved me."

"I'm happily married," he rebuffed calmly. "Joke's on you, sister. You missed out an all these goods."

"It's moments like these that make me want to believe in a god." Mabel observed. "So I can thank them."

"Boy," Jeff said. "Make her leave."

Dipper swung an arm around her shoulders smugly. "Sorry, boss. Where I go, Mabel goes."

"Ugh. Fine. Just keep her away from me." Jeff dismissed his supposed sentimentality with a frustrated grunt. Mabel smiles at him.

A solitary gnome emerges from the bushes, awkwardly sidling up to them. "I'm here, sir."

Jeff perked up at that. "Righto. Pines, this is Gregory. We call 'em Gregory the Gremlin. Isn't that right, Gregory?"

"Yes, sir."

Jeff motioned for Dipper to lean over, then whispered in his ear. "He's the kind you were looking for. No friends, no family; no one cares if he has an 'accident.'"

"Good." Dipper nodded and stood. "Alright, that's all we needed. You can head back home now."

He snapped his fingers at the teenager, slowly shuffling backwards. "I'm expecting results, Pines. Don't let me down."

They all watched him leave without comment.

"Seriously," Mabel interjected, after a moment of awkward silence. "How did he convince anyone to marry him?"

"I'd like to think it was all of us, ma'am." Gregory the Gremlin politely clasped his tiny hands together.

Mabel considered this a moment, shrugged, swallowed her gum, and squatted. "So, Greg- can I call you Greg?"

"Sure, ma'am."

"Good. Here's the plan, Greg. Those gnomes in the trees are gonna piss the utter crap outta those Manotaurs, sending one or more stampeding this direction. When he gets here, he's gonna find me- Mabel- with a bag of jerky and a baseball bat, punting you across the clearing. He'll be so impressed by my toughness I'll get a one-way ticket straight to their Man Cave. Got it?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"You're not gonna chicken out on me, are you, Greg?"

"No, ma'am. I'm gettin' paid in caterpillars for this."

"Don't know what that means; don't want to know." She concluded, straightening. "We ready, Dip-Dop?"

Dipper politely handed her the bat, which she'd given him to better maneuver. "As we'll ever be."

"Good. Let's blow their tiny minds." She cheered, then plucked Dipper's hat right off his head. "That'll complete the tomboy stereotype perfectly, thank you."

"You sure you want that one, Lady Mabes? It's got my smell juices all over it."

"So does everything I'm wearing. We share a room, Dipper. There's no escaping it." She tipped the brow like a nice guy wearing a fedora. "Besides, I don't wanna hide my Pines-ness from them. That'll just ruin the challenge. You ready to go, Greglin?"

Gregory nodded, swallowing. "Yes, ma'am."

"This better work," Dipper warned them, though there was nothing serious in his tone. "Or I'm fired."

"A GIRL!?"

The Man Cave seemed to shake with the veracity of Leaderaur's roar, along with the gathered Manotaurs, each watching with silent terror as their leader raged. Beardy the Manotaur cowered before his manly might, sweating profusely.

"YOU BROUGHT A GIRL TO OUR HALLOWED CAVE OF MANLINESS!?"

"I'm sorry, Leaderaur," he almost whimpered. Almost. "I don't know what came over me! She just looked so- so... cool."

The Manotaur's eyes narrowed. He bluntly examined Mabel, who lounged carelessly against Pituitaur's side, checking her nails. The sleeveless shirt gave her tattoos perfect visibility, and her many piercings glittered as though freshly shone.

"This is true," he observed. "She is very cool."

"Thanks, big guy." She shot him a finger gun with her free hand, clicking her tongue.

"Why are you here?" The Manotaur bent down to blow hot air on her. "This is no place for a human girl."

"Me?" She returned, voice layered with honey. "Why, I'm here to help, of course!"

"Help?" Leaderaur said the word like he'd never heard of it before.

"Duh, my man. My idiot bro is thinkin' his bearded little goons can take you big dudes. And I was like, pschaw, bro, you ain't bein' real 'bout this. So here I am! Tryin' to prove him wrong."

"Gnomes? Brother?" Pubertaur's nostrils flared. "You're a Pines, aren't you?"

Mabel raised a single eyebrow.

Leaderaur pulled away, booming. "NO PINES ALLOWED! DISPOSE OF HER!"

"Aw, don't be like that, dudebro. My bro-bro wrecked our reputation with the Manotaurs as a lil' baby- I wanna be the one to fix that." She lowered her voice, like she was disposing of a valuable secret. "He's such a friggin' nerd. Did you know his name is Mason? Dipper was the only name he could choose that would get him a break from the masonry jokes, yo."

Mabel heard a 'snrk' from somewhere in crowd. A quick glance told her it most likely came from Clark, who covered his mouth.

"Really?" Leaderaur asked dubiously.

"Really," Mabel said breezily, like the promise meant nothing to her.

"Hmmm..." The bull-man lounged back in his bone throne. "We will give you a try; a sign of our manly forgiveness! But only if you pass the test, Pines twin number two."

Immediately, the Manotaurs began to whoop and cheer, chanting: "Pain Hole! Pain Hole! Pain Hole!"

"Bring it on." Mabel shrugged, swinging around to hit Chutzpar's arm when he came too close for her liking. "Let's see how it likes the taste of a bat."

It is on this day, or so they say, that the Pain Hole was finally tamed.

Author's Note: 'Bout time I swung around for Chapter 2! Next will either be the reveal of Her Majesty (finally), or maybe a party. Not sure quite yet. Eh.

-Mandaree1