Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls!

Title: Double Dealings

Summary: (Teen!Delinquent AU) The gnomes and the Manotaurs are threatening battle in an effort to decide which species is better. Dipper and Mabel are prepared to profit off this.

...

Mabel woke up from a hard night partying as happily as a corpse wakes from the dead. Her face was sticky from chowing down on sickly sweet snacks she didn't know the name of. Flashes of memory stood out- beating Pubertaur in a drinking match, losing an arm wrestling match with Clark, fighting Clark to the death in retaliation, only for them both to eventually laugh it off.

There's also the tattoo. Honestly, that doesn't seem as important as the drink-off.

"Eyyy, girl Pines." A well-muscled hand pushed her shoulder. "You're up."

"I'm up," she agreed, "call me girl Pines again and you'll regret it. I'm Lady Mabes. How you doin', Beardy?"

Beardy gave a sleepy thumbs up. "S'all right, Lady Mabes. How's your neck doing?"

"Delightfully colorful and not sore, oddly enough." She felt around the area. "Is this some sorta magical painless tattooing ink?"

"Eeyup."

"Dude, I need the recipe. This could yield so many possibilities."

"You gotta be a level five Dude Wizard to wield such powers, dude," Clark groaned. He was using a tree stump as a pillow. "That's a lot of manly."

Mabel hummed, retrieving a rainbow shoe that had fallen off at some point during the festivities. "Somehow, I think I've got enough chutzpah to beat my way into the Dude Wizard ranks."

"Huh?"

"No, not you, Chutzpar. I'm threatening to beat the snot out of anyone who stops me from becoming a Dude Wizard."

"Oh, okay."

"GIRL PINES."

Mabel sighed and straightened, black laces only half-tied. "I don't like repeating myself, big guy. I'm Lady Mabes. Get it right."

"Er, sorry." Leaderaur coughed into his fist. "I don't think very well this early in the morning."

"Nobody does. Trust me."

"LADY MABES," he roared, shaking the trees. "YOU HAVE PASSED OUR TEST OF MANLINESS, AS WELL AS SUCCEEDED IN BEING PROPERLY AMUSING DURING THE AFTER PARTY. FOR THAT, YOU WILL BE MADE AN HONORARY MANOTAUR."

"Goody."

The Manotaurs weakly cheered. They were all in various stages of dishevelment. "Man! Man! Man! Man!"

"Woman," she corrected. "I'm mostly estrogen, ya'll. And, like, I know you know that, but I'm reminding you just in case. I like bein' a girl- we bleed every month." She grimaced. "Okay, that part sucks, but it's awesome to say, y'know? I bleed every month. It sounds like I get stabbed on the regular or something."

"That is truly amazing," Pituitaur said, nodding sagely. "I bled from below the belt, a long time ago. That was enough."

"Heck yeah, dude." She held out a fist. The Manotaur bumped it. "Anyway, I gotta get back before my bro-bro gets all concerned. Don't want to spoil the surprise, after all."

Leaderaur's eyes narrowed. "Tell him nothing, Lady Mabes."

She saluted. "Can do, big fella."

Mabel called Dipper as soon as she was within cell range of Gravity Falls, kicking up stones as she went. The younger teenager hadn't been all that worried about her disappearance, assuming she would be safe, surrounded by large bodies of muscles and fur. "They're not bright," he said, "but they're not bad, or anything."

"Well, I'm officially one of them now, so I guess I'm none too bright either."

Dipper snorted. "So are you, like, Mabeltaur now, or..."

"Dipper, I'm surprised at you. Did you really think I'd allow that nonsense?" She shook her head. "I'm Lady Mabes of Estrogenville. Get it right."

"Well, Lady Mabes of Estrogenville, what have you got?"

"Not much, honestly. They've got no real plan. Then again, that's good for us. It makes it easy to knock our odds."

"Nice, nice."

"Now we just need to get those bets started. Any bright ideas, Dip?"

Dipper lounged back in his chair, kicking his feet up on the coffee table. "I say we join the night crowd. Blend in. Party hard. Maybe spike the ginger ale."

"As long as it's not tree sap, I'm down." Mabel reached up to rub at her throat. "By the way, I got a tattoo."

"Excuse me?"

"What can I say? You're, like, ninety percent of my impulse control."

"Fair enough. How far out are you?"

"Not far," she dismissed. "I'mma get some breakfast. We can plot after."

Mabel isn't typically prone to reacting well to surprises, but you wouldn't know it by the large grin that splits her face when a deep voice screeches her name at an inhuman decibel. She brings herself to a stop and waits for Grenda to approach, not expecting the hug she receives but not not expecting, either. "My peeps! My people! My ladies from another m'lady! Wassup?"

"You," Candy informs her crisply, wrapping her arms around her as best she could, which amounted to awkwardly holding onto her hip. "You are up. In the air. Flying Mabel."

"Flabel," she whispered menacingly.

"That can be your evolution name."

Mabel snorted. "I'm a Pokemon now? I dig that idea. Gimme all them moves and Reviver Seeds, chumps."

Grenda set her down with a little humph. "I missed you so much!"

"Same, dude!" She buried her nose in the crook of Grenda's shoulder- as always, the girl was taller and buffer than an oak. Mabel was no tiny thing herself, and neither was Wendy, but Grenda could probably bench press them both. There's a reason she was such a successful wrestler before she retired. "Oh, right. I, uh, I heard about the husband. That sucks. I'm not good at computing, like, emotions into words, but I'm honestly sorry for your loss."

"Marius is in a better place. I hope." She shrugged. It was a controlled, practiced gesture. "I'm not, like, an expert on God and Heaven or anything."

Candy stood on her tiptoes in hopes of patting Grenda's shoulder, only managing to get her upper arm. "He is no longer in pain. That is what we must focus on."

"Well, I've gone and made everything serious, haven't I?" Mabel shuffled her feet. "Sorry again. You probably get the awkward grief silence a lot. You up for breaky? I can't pay, but I can keep you company."

"I will pay," Candy assured them, grabbing a hand each. "I have green to burn."

Lazy Susan chortles as they all settle in, Mabel on one side, Candy and Grenda on the other, ruffling Mabel's short hair with a hand covered in grease. "Don't say a word, ladies. I know what you like."

"Thank you, miss," Candy says.

"You're the best!" Grenda adds, slamming her fists down on the table. The salt shaker fell over, taking out its brother in pepper.

Mabel makes finger guns at her as she passes, clicking her tongue. "You gotta give me your eyeliner secrets, Susan. You are on point today."

"Awwww," she cooed, putting a hand to her chin. She shook her head at her. "I'm not giving you free pancakes."

She shrugged. "It was worth a shot. I'm not joking, though! I'm terrible at makeup."

"That's what Dipper is for," Grenda informed her. "That boy has got the steadiest hand I've ever seen."

"This is true." Mabel put her index fingers to her lips. "Though I feel some level of concern that you've seen said steady hand."

"You've seen it too, Mabel."

"That's different. I'm his sister. His twin sister, I might add. There are no secrets between us. Are there secrets at this table right now, Grenda?"

She winked. "You don't know everything about me."

"I'd like to change the topic before this takes a vicious step in a direction I don't want to go before noon." Candy leaned back in her seat, politely keeping her elbows off the table. Neither of her comrades showed such concern for the state of Lazy Susan's tables. "I love the artwork! Those colors- that's the aromantic flag, is it not?"

"Got me in one, yo." Mabel made a return of the finger guns, this time without clicking. "The green and gray probably tipped it off, huh." She flexed her arms. "Take a look at these cool dudes. Hurt a heckuva lot more than the throat one, lemme tell you."

"That sounds illogical."

"It sounds like weird magic plot holes." Mabel stroked the edges of the darker green stripe, which bent down in a rectangular fashion to pool at the collarbone. There were patches of skin between each stripe, and no real stop or start. It just dipped down. Or, if you're a chest up kind of person, it flowed up and around the sides of her throat. Whichever. "There's an elephant in the room, ladies, and it's not my sexuality."

Candy's smile fell. "Uh-oh. What is it?"

The brunette glared at her hand suspiciously. "I know that ring. That ring almost got forced on me when I was twelve." She reached out to touch said hand. "Do I need to rough a coupla gnomes up for you, Candy?"

"Oh, that." She sounded relieved. "Not at all. I'm quite happy as I am."

Grenda gasped, grabbed Candy's shoulders, and started to shake them. "You're royalty now! I'm royalty now! We're all royalty now!"

Mabel laughed but didn't correct her. Her face turned serious. "This was all consensual marriage stuff, right? Because I'm more than willing to snap Jeff's ugly neck for you, dude."

Candy chuckled. "I appreciate your kindness, but I can snap my own necks."

The teenager settled at that, humming a quiet little tune. "I can't believe you married Jeff of all gnomes."

"Technically," she replied. "I married all of them."

"He tried to force me to marry him. It was super gross."

"I have outlawed that for all eternity," Candy informed her, pointing a finger upwards. "Anyone who attempts to force romance will be judged very harshly. With fire."

"Will it be fun fire, the fire of fun?"

"No. Absolutely not. It will be painful fire, the fire of pain."

"I approve of this."

"I thought you might."

"PANCAKES!" Grenda shouted, jarring them both. Lazy Susan set their plates down a quick wink before meandering off to help that guy who was always crying over America. Mabel didn't know his name. Mabel didn't think anyone knew his name. He just loved America a whole lot. "I'M GONNA STUFF MY FACE!"

"Eat up! It's on the house." Candy picked up her fork, eyeing Mabel as she did the same. "Magic tattoos, huh? That is Manotaur stuff, right?."

Mabel forced her shoulders to stay loose, chewing a mouthful of scrambling eggs. She swallowed. "Eeyup. I'm Lady Mabes of Estrogenville now."

"Is this one of you and your brother's games?"

"Yes. Definitely. Absolutely."

"Mabel," she said, sounding like a disappointed parent. "Don't."

"It's too late now. The scheme has been set in motion."

"You're scheming against my husbands and wives," she pointed out sensibly.

"Your husbands and wives tried to make me their wife. I think I have the right to be salty towards them."

Candy sighed but didn't argue. "You are going to crash and burn."

Mabel shrugged, eyes glittering. "Then I'll burn. And it'll be fun fire, the fire of fun."

Author's Note: Hey howdy ya'll it's been a while huh? I am planning on finishing this, I promise; I've just been a bit lazy. =)

The truth is out! All hail Queen Candy! She's made a bunch of laws to help the gnomes shape up, from 'no kidnapping' to 'you must court a lady properly, without hiding', etc etc.

-Mandaree1