A/N: Thanks to those who are reading and reviewing. A slightly shorter chapter. The next will be shorter still.

Do not own Chuck.

CHAPTER 10 Being, Having and Halving

Sarah was very excited about the time off, the time off with Chuck. She and Chuck had been unpacking their things and placing them around the apartment. Sarah had, unexpectedly, found herself eager to decorate their new home, to decorate it with something other than just movie posters for Tron and Indiana Jones, with something of herself. She was glad to have Chuck's things around her, but she had spent almost all her life in places with no trace of her and in which she left no trace, wiped clean (first by her father, then by herself), with no evidence of her time there. She wanted to leave fingerprints here.

She and Ellie and spent a wonderful morning together shopping for things and Sarah was just finishing putting pictures on the mantle. In the center (she had moved Chuck's Han Solo figure to one side and his Dr. Strange figure to the other), she put her favorite picture of her and Chuck. They were seated in the bright sun in front of the deli. Lou had taken the picture one day when neither Chuck nor Sarah was aware, and the resulting picture showed both their faces shining with unguarded emotion as they looked at each other. The picture had become an icon for Sarah, her revelation that she could be - and could belong - in a world of light. It showed their love: simple, real, everything.

The plan for the tonight was for a housewarming party. Ellie, Devon, Casey, Morgan, Lou. Casey had even grunted something about bringing a date. And Morgan seemed to be making a good impression on Lou. They had graduated from talk of desert island sandwiches to talk of the best food in LA for under ten dollars. Lou hadn't said much to Sarah about her the nature of her interest in Morgan, but Sarah noticed Lou stealing glances at the door of the Buy More, and her reactions showed that she was hoping to catch a glimpse of Morgan.

Morgan had been promoted at the Buy More and had been named Assistant Manager. Bizarrely, he seemed to be taking the job quite seriously and to be doing it well. Morgan's hopes for Lou were creating new hopes in him for himself. The little man was bigger than people thought.

There was a knock at the door. Sarah, expecting it to be Ellie or Devon, spun the door open. In the doorway stood a willowy redhead.

"Carina!"

"Walker, hey!" Carina took inventory of Sarah and visibly winced. Sarah looked down at herself and realized she was in old jeans and one of Chuck's threadbare Stanford shirts. She had a bandana around her head, holding her hair in place. Her feet were bare. Carina seemed torn between laughing and frowning.

"God almighty, Waker! What has happened to you?"

Carina slipped past Sarah and into the apartment without waiting for an invitation. She swept her gaze around the interior. He gaze came to rest on the mantle. She took in the triptych of Han Solo, the picture of Chuck and Sarah, and Dr. Strange. Her jaw dropped and hung from her face like a front porch swing. She stood silently for a while. "Damn, Sarah, Damn."

"Welcome, Carina, and, yes, please, do come in." Sarah's tone was a complicated one of welcoming snarkiness. "What are you doing here? I thought you were in...Porto Alegre?"

"The question, Walker, is what are you doing here? You look like a...a...housewife." Carina visibly shuddered when she said the final word. She stared at Sarah's feet. "Don't tell me...those," gesturing at Sarah's feet, "come with one in there?" Carina's eyes traveled up Sarah's body to settle on her stomach, and she gestured at it.

Sarah put her hand on her stomach and smiled. The gesture was genuine and a taunt. Carina's eyes grew huge. "Walker, this guy," Carina waved her hand vaguely at the picture she had been fixated on, "this guy knocked you up?"

Sarah deliberately delayed her response, increasing Carina's anxious discomfort. "No, Carina, I am barefoot but not pregnant. Although we are having...conversations...that are moving us in that direction. Someday. Maybe soon."

Carina plopped down in a chair. "This is so much worse than I thought!"

Sarah was beginning to get annoyed. "What do you mean…'than you thought'? How do you know anything about it? I haven't seen you in what...almost a year?"

"You should know how gossip makes the rounds, especially when it's about someone like you, someone who had created a lot of fear and envy among Enforcers and Casters generally. You've created a lot of malicious glee among folks, a lot to talk about."

Sarah shrugged. She'd long ago gotten used the being the object of envy and gossip. Graham's favoritism, her competence, and her looks had made her less than a universal favorite. She certainly wasn't ashamed of Chuck or of her feelings. Let them talk, let them all talk. I'm happy. And that will make them even more unhappy. Sarah sat on the couch.

"Sarah, he's a mortal," Carina whined, getting up and stepping closer to the picture on the mantle. She leaned in close to the picture, studying it for a long time. "Cute, I grant, and he looks tallish, but he's mortal. What could he possibly have that Bryce didn't?"

"Oh, I don't know. A deep soul. A sensitive conscience. A big heart. Huge, beautiful, homey brown eyes."

"Over-rated. There are more...interesting bodily parts. With more interesting ratings." Carina finally pulled her gaze from the picture and sat back down.

Sarah, who kept her love life to herself almost always, except for an occasional effort to embarrass Casey, responded to Carina with a blush and a wide and widening grin.

"Walker! You are blushing."

"Well, Carina. You know what they say about guys with big hearts…"

Now, Carina blushed. That never happened. They sat smiling at each other for a few seconds, although Carina's smile had strange undercurrents. Then Carina's look grew openly serious.

"Sarah, what are you doing here?"

Sarah became sober. She thought carefully as she spoke. "I am building a life, Carina. With a man who wants to build a life with me, a man who is kind of a genius at that sort of thing."

"But you had a life, Walker. A great life. Power, money, clothes, looks, Larkin. What was missing?"

"Me, Carina. Me. I was missing. And none of those other things, including the last one, especially the last one, mattered in the way I thought they did."

Carina's look was uncomprehending. Sarah knew that Carina did not do self-reflection. Carina feared self-knowledge more than monsters. One reason for Carina's frantic activity, her jumping from mission to mission and occasionally from bed to bed, was to keep at least a step ahead of any self-realization. That didn't make Carina a bad person, or even a shallow one, exactly. She was neither. But she did embrace an ignorance of herself incompatible with stable happiness. Sarah knew that there were nights when that fact almost caught up with Carina, more nights than Carina would admit. She also knew Carina was slower than she used to be, getting easier to catch. A reckoning was coming.

"Whatever you say, Sarah. When does the dreamboat dock?"

"He'll be home soon."

"Home?"

At that moment, Chuck walked through the door. He had a Buy More bag under his arm. When he saw the redhead he put the bag down on the counter and walked across to her.

"Hi! I'm Chuck!"

Carina flirted with bad manners. She stared harshly at Chuck. He stood with his hand out but, after a few moments, the smile that accompanied the extended hand became less genuine.

"Carina!" Sarah bit into her friend's name.

"Sorry, Chuck. It is Chuck, right? I just wondered what the man would be like who could take Sarah's heart."

Chuck looked to Sarah, hoping for guidance. "Chuck, this is my old friend, my best friend, Carina."

Chuck extended his hand again, his smile refreshed. Carina took his hand and smiled back tautly.

"I'm so excited to meet you!" Chuck chirped. "Are you a...um…?"

"Yes, Chuck, she's a Caster." Sarah got up and stepped to Chuck. "Thanks for grabbing those things at the Buy More." She gave Chuck a quick kiss then sat back down

"Glad to, Sarah. So, Carina," Chuck said, folding his long legs and sitting next to Sarah on the couch, "what brings you to town?"

"I wanted to see Walker. It's been a while. I...wondered how she was doing."

Chuck nodded. "Well, it really is great to meet you."

Sarah noticed that Carina was looking at Chuck with a hint of suspicion. She seemed to be studying him. Sarah was used to Carina's strong reaction to men, her determined, often outrageous flirting, but this was not that. It was strange and it was making Sarah nervous.

"Carina, are you ok?" Sarah asked the question kindly, although she was beginning to get angry with Carina's efforts to make Chuck uncomfortable. Chuck so far had meekly endured it. But he did not know Carina, and so he may not have been rightly understanding her actions and reactions.

"Carina is just back from Brazil."

"Oh, wow! I've never been out of the country. Where were you? What was it like?"

Carina became herself again. "Oh, great. I was in Porto Alegre. It's big. Busy. Beautiful sunsets."

"I guess it's not like Rio? I mean, I have never been, but I figure we think of Rio as Brazil the way folks from other countries think of New York as the US."

"Not Rio. That's for sure. Say, Walker, do you remember our second trip to Rio? You were in rare form!" Carina laughed with extra emphasis.

Sarah stiffened. Carina ignored it and went on. "So, we had finished our mission and had been crawling from bar to bar when Sarah's boyfriend, Bryce, showed up in town, unannounced. Our girl here was...glad to see him. You should have seen her with him on the dance floor! Everyone in the place needed to get a room when they finished."

Chuck grinned. "I bet! Sarah is a great dancer. I love to dance with her, although I am not very good. I love to watch her dance." He smiled at her, and she knew he was remembering her dancing at the club, the dancing Casey ended. Amazingly, he was remembering her dancing with him, not imagining her dancing with Bryce. "I'm hoping that we'll have some time soon for her to teach me."

Carina froze, not expecting that response at all. Sarah had reddened in embarrassment and anger, but then looked at her boyfriend with a grateful smile.

Carina's face was all puzzlement. Sarah knew that Carina had meant to provoke Chuck. Since Sarah had still not talked to Chuck about Bryce, beyond the little she had said at the Mexican restaurant on their first date, she panicked at what Carina had done. How would Chuck react? But Chuck refused to be provoked. And Sarah knew him well enough to know he was not pretending. The story had not upset him. Bryce had not upset him.

Sarah could not understand what Carina was doing. Had she come in and fawned over Chuck or even out-and-out hit on him, Sarah would have been pissed but unsurprised. It was Carina's way. Carina even thought of it as a kindness, a test of the intentions and motives of the man. This act, at once skeptical, slightly hostile and baiting, was not really in character. What was Carina doing?

Carina got up from her seat and walked toward the kitchen. Looking back over her shoulder, she said: "I'm going to get something to drink. Anyone else?" Sarah, knowing that attempting to wait on Carina was wasted effort, let her go and asked for a glass of water. Chuck thanked her but told her he was fine.

Sarah slipped her arm around Chuck and pulled him closer to her. He leaned in for a quick kiss, but she turned it into one full and lingering. "Remind me about the dancing lessons later," she noted, "I have a new move or two I'd like to show you."

Carina opened the cupboard and got two glasses. She filled both with water. She quickly slipped her hand into the pocket of her jeans and withdrew a small vial of green liquid. Cupping it, she turned quickly to look back into the living room. Sarah was kissing Chuck soulfully and then whispering in his ear. Carina turned back to the counter before Chuck or Sarah noticed her watching. She opened the vial and held it at an angle above one of the glasses. She paused for a moment, her lips pressed into a thin line, her brow furrowed.

She had never seen Sarah act like this before. Surely, Sarah would not, could not, be this into this guy, a mortal. Buy More bags and...Tron posters? Something was wrong. And, the guy, Chuck, what guy could have listened to that Rio story with its blatant implications, and have simply been full of praise for his girlfriend? What she had been told must be true. Someone, maybe Chuck, had done something to Sarah. They were not a real couple. Sarah was like Sleeping Beauty in Snoresville. She needed to wake up.

Carina emptied the green vial in the glass and waited for it to disappear into the water. Then she went back into the living room. She handed Sarah the doctored water. Carina drank her water, watching over the top of her glass as Sarah drank the water Carina gave her. Carina couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. But she could not decide if the wrongness were the wrongness of the whole situation or what she had just done. She hoped Sarah would forgive her later.

Carina left hurriedly, hardly giving Chuck or Sarah a chance to say goodbye. They invited her to the housewarming party but she declined. She muttered some vagueness about staying in town for a couple of days and maybe seeing them again before she left, and then she hugged Sarah, nodded at Chuck, and was out the door.

Chuck turned to Sarah and lifted his eyebrows and turned up his palms. "What just happened?" Sarah frowned. She walked back to the couch and sat down. Chuck joined her.

"Carina plays by her own rules. But I admit, that was bizarre, even for her. I expect her to embarrass me. And to embarrass you a little. But I did not expect her to be so...mean-spirited about it. I'm sorry, Chuck."

"Why? You didn't do anything."

"I know. But I am sorry about Bryce, about never telling you much about him, about him and me. I mentioned him without naming him on our first date, but maybe you thought that was all a lie?"

"No, I believed it then and never doubted it since. Look, Sarah. You have been telling me things about yourself. I am happy to go at your pace. Of course, I wonder about your past. About your romantic past. You do about mine. I've told you a lot. You...uh...met Jill. But I don't worry about the fact that you haven't yet told me a lot. I believe you will. I believe that you want to tell me. Every day in so many ways you prove to me that you love me. I am not going to doubt that because of some history about a night in Rio. You weathered the whole Jill thing so bravely and considerately, especially given what I did for her at the end. You did not doubt me. Why would I doubt you?"

"I love you, Chuck. You need never worry about Bryce. Never. I haven't talked about him because I am...ashamed of my own illusions, ashamed to admit that I took that counterfeit relationship as genuine, took what he offered me as the best I could hope for. I got conned and I conned myself. The worst sort of gull, the worst sort of gullible. I knew I had been deceived, by myself and by him, before you and I left Barstow, Chuck, and I have never looked back. The way I felt about you in Barstow totally eclipsed anything I felt for Bryce. And I love you even more now."

"I love you too, Sarah, and even if your friend, Carina, is...well, let's say that it is not clear that I am the only one with a best friend who can be...problematic now and then."

Sarah laughed and took Chuck's hand. "Let's finish putting up the pictures and posters. Where does the Tron poster go, the Indiana Jones? Do you like what I have done with the mantle?"

Later that evening the housewarming party possessed the apartment. Chuck and Sarah had done enough to make the apartment presentable. Sarah thought it already felt warm and welcoming, a place for a life and a place for hospitality. The decor was already showing itself an amusing and interesting blend of Chuck's tastes and hers. For every Indiana Jones poster there was a Cezanne print, and so on. Chuck looked so happy that he could burst. Sarah felt the way he looked. She knew that everyone else was basking in their glow. Sarah looked around the room, feeling her heart full. She had never even imagined being in a place like this, a place of hers, of hers and his, and so, so happy.

Morgan and Lou were laughing with Ellie and Devon. Morgan had earlier shared with Lou the story of his teenaged obsession with Ellie, and Ellie, Devon, and Lou were laughing at some of Morgan's most embarrassing moments. Morgan was genuinely laughing too, and each glance he stole as he talked was a glance at Lou, not at Ellie.

Casey and his date, a small dark-haired woman named Wanda, were chatting with Sarah and Chuck. Wanda worked at the gym Casey belonged to. She was a trainer. She was small and athletic, with mercurial features that registered each minor change of thought or emotion, and a quick, soft gurgling laugh that was incredibly easy to encourage and slow to stop. She couldn't have been more of an open book if her face had been covered in newsprint. She was the babbling brook to Casey's silent granite. They seemed completely wrong for each other. And completely perfect. Casey watched her keenly and listened to her avidly; waiting eagerly for each time she laughed. Her laugh visibly softened him each time he heard it. Everyone had liked Wanda immediately, and she seemed to feel welcomed and comfortable just as fast.

This is what I have wanted, Sarah sighed in thought to herself. This is what I wanted even when all I knew was that I wanted something I could not name. A man who is my home, a place where we are at home together, a home, to be at home. Carina might not believe that 'home' is one of my words, but it is. It is. A favorite word. Hello, Chuck, hello, everyone: Sarah is home!

Chuck was watching Sarah's face. Happiness lit her features, a sun shining in her sky-colored eyes. She saw him looking at her, and she took his hand. "Thank you, Chuck."

The next morning Sarah woke up curled against Chuck, her head on his regularly rising and falling chest, one of her legs atop his. She started to snuggle in. They had the day off. There was no reason to do anything more than enjoy the morning in bed with…

*He doesn't love me.*

Sarah heard her own voice in her head, but it sounded like it had been piped in, metallic and slightly distorted. She squeezed her eyes shut.

*I don't love him. Not really. I'm play-acting, a little girl playing house with the nerdy boy next door. I need to get up. Put on my clothes. Gather what I need, put it in my suitcase. Go!*

Sarah felt a crescendo of fear. What was going on? She wanted to wake Chuck, make him talk to her, have him chase this voice from her head.

*He doesn't love me. He's a mortal. He's in my life accidentally. He will leave me if I don't leave him first. I don't love him anyway. He's been a pleasant diversion from my real life. Diversion over. It is time to get up. Put on my clothes. Gather what I need, put it in my suitcase. Go!*

Sarah realized that she had risen from the bed, and was now walking to her closet. With practiced speed, she silently packed her suitcase, screaming at herself the whole time to stop. But her hands would not answer her decrees. Betrayers, they latched the suitcase. She quickly brushed her teeth and hair and put on some clothes and shoes.

She pulled her suitcase soundlessly into the living room. She stopped. She walked to the counter and grabbed a pen and a piece of paper from a stack of used computer pages Chuck kept around for notes or grocery lists.

*Chuck,

You don't love me. I don't love you. I am going back to my apartment. The lease there is still good for a few more days. I will go from there back to DC and my job for Graham. We need to stop pretending. We may be fooling other people, but the people we are fooling most is us. Don't call. Don't come after me. We are done.

Sarah*

Sarah finished the note and left it out on the counter. She walked out of the apartment.

Once outside, after glancing around to be sure no one was there to see her, she stopped and hit the cab service number on her phone. She listened to the ring, all the while wailing inside to make herself stop, to wake Chuck. Sarah spoke into the phone, her voice flinty. "I need a cab." She stated her address. "Ok, I will be waiting."

Chuck! Chuck! What am I doing? Chuck! Stop me! I don't want to leave home. I am not leaving you.

She pulled her suitcase to the street. A few minutes later, a cab took her away.

*He doesn't love me. I don't love him. Go!*

Chuck woke up without Sarah.

Sarah was not in the bed. He got up and called her name. No answer. He walked into the living room but did not see her. He noticed a piece of paper on the counter. Maybe she had gone for a run. He read the note. He stopped breathing. His mind stalled.

When he could take a breath again, he went through each room of the apartment.

Sarah was gone.

Her toothbrush and hairbrush were gone from the bathroom. Chuck lurched back into the living room and then wandered in circles, stopping every few steps to read the note which had been in his hand the whole time. He went back to the bedroom, grabbed his cell, and called her. He had to. Voicemail. And again. And again. And again. He went back to the living room. He started aimlessly circling again. He stopped.

He ran back to their bedroom. He threw open the closet.

Sarah's suitcase was gone.

Chuck sank to his knees, then fell forward onto his hands. He wept in an animal agony, wails followed by great gulps of air. He went on like that forever. Eventually, he collapsed onto his face, his tears soaking the carpet. One hand still held the now-crumpled note.

Sarah.

Chuck was not sure whether he had fallen asleep or passed out. He did not know how much time had past. He felt badly nauseated, seasick, his entire body invaded by an oily queasiness. The note was still in his hand. He realized that someone was knocking at the door.

Chuck lept to his feet and sprinted through the apartment to the door. He threw it open. Morgan was standing there. Morgan was wearing a smile that threatened to split his face, but when he saw Chuck, his look instantaneously fell.

"Chuck, dude, what is wrong?"

Chuck held the note out and walked back into the apartment. On his way to the couch, he stopped in the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of whiskey still out from the party the night before. He sank onto the couch and opened the bottle, drinking from it in long, hard swallows.

Morgan finished reading the note as he walked into the apartment. He saw Chuck with the bottle tilted up and he unceremoniously grabbed it from his friend's hand.

"Chuck, man, stop. I don't understand this. That woman loves you. I know that woman loves you. Everyone who knows you knows that woman loves you. She was lit up inside with love for you just last night. That was no act. Your life with her is no act. No one is pretending. Something's wrong, the whole situation is off, Chuck."

Chuck had his arms on his legs and his head hanging. He was looking at the carpet. He could feel the whiskey burning his throat, mixing with the oily queasiness, but the feeling was not helping. His heart felt like a putty in the hands of a child, stretching, balling up, stretching, changing shape. He hurt so deeply that he wasn't sure it was possible to express it. His inward groaning was too deep for words. He couldn't think. It happened so suddenly. The only words in his head were the words of the note. You don't love me. I don't love you. He could not manage any thought beyond those words. They circled, riverrun, through his mind.

He looked up when he heard his sister's voice. Ellie was standing in the still-open doorway. "Chuck? Chuck, what's wrong." Morgan caught Ellie's arm as she rushed to Chuck. She took the note Morgan held out and sat down next to Chuck. She took one of his hands in one of hers and held the note in the other as she read it.

"This can't be right, Chuck. It can't. Sarah loves you. I'm as sure of that as I am of anything. I know I worried about what was going on between you at first. But you two belong together. Sarah celebrates you constantly. It's in her eyes when she watches you, as she did for the entire party last night, Chuck. It's in her laughter with you. It's in every touch. I saw her looking at wedding dresses yesterday morning while we were shopping for the apartment. She didn't think I was watching, Chuck, she didn't know I was watching. Why would she do that?"

Chuck muttered something about being sick and ran to the bathroom. Ellie watched him go then looked again at the note. "Morgan, do you have Casey's number? I haven't let on that I know, but Casey and Sarah and Chuck are involved in something together. I've been patient, waiting for one of them to tell me. But now we need Casey. He'll be the easiest to break. Tell him I said to get his ass over here, now!"

Ellie and Morgan got Chuck from the bathroom to the bedroom. He had laid down and lapsed into catatonia. He just stared blankly at the ceiling, unmoving. Ellie assigned Morgan the first shift and left him in a chair beside the bed.

Ellie confronted Casey as soon as he entered the apartment. She didn't ask to know what was going on. She just told him that she knew something was, something that involved her brother and Sarah and Casey. She handed Casey the note. He read it and looked up, shock visible on his normally fixed features.

"Ellie, you are right. There is more to this whole situation than you know. I can't tell you any of it now. I'm not sure if...when...if I will be able. Chuck can't tell you either. Please don't ask him. Poor kid. I know how this must be affecting him. Sarah would never do this to him. There is an explanation. Someone will pay."

Ellie knew Casey had made her a promise. She also knew the big man well enough to know that he kept promises. He handed her back the note and then grabbed her and gave her a graceless but thoroughly warm hug. "Take care of Chuck. I'm going after Sarah."