"You missed a spot."

I point to a smear still present on the display case and James throws me a dirty look as he rubs it with the cloth in his hand. "Why do I have to do this? They can't prove I did anything."

I lean back against the wall and watch him as he moves on to polishing the trophies in the case he just finished cleaning. "Are you trying to deny that it was you who dropped those water balloons last week… or the week before that?"

James sniffs audibly and kneels to reach the trophies on the bottom shelf. "I'm saying they have no evidence that I'm responsible."

I cover my face with my hand. We've already been through this. "You do realize that you're polishing trophies because you were flying your broom indoors and not because they are punishing you for those incidents, right?"

James pouts and puts more polish on his polishing cloth. "Why are you here if you're just going to take their side?"

"I'm making sure you actually do the work. We both need to study for Astronomy if we're looking at taking N.E.W.T.-level.

"But we just…"

I hiss and hold up a finger to cut off his whine. "I need to study and you are the perfect partner since you actually care. Phillip, Fred, and Roger probably have no interest in studying, now."

James pouts harder and rubs polish on the slightly tarnished surface of the next trophy. "Why do you want to take N.E.W.T. Astronomy anyway?"

I pause at his question thinking about the best way to respond. I haven't told anyone the reason why I want to take Astronomy past O.W.L.-year and James is the first person at school who has asked. I take a breath and ask, "What do you want to do after school?"

"Play professional Quidditch." His response is given without the slightest hesitation. That's not surprising. James hadn't told me explicitly, but it's been obvious since he made the House team in second year that going pro is what he wanted to do. He's so confident and acts like the epitome of 'cool'. My dream seems so lame in comparison. "What about you?"

"Don't laugh."

James continues to polish the trophy and asks with a smile, "Why would I laugh?"

"It's not exactly cool," I warn. "In fact, you might consider this Williams-level nerdy."

"Who?"

"Your roommate," I remind him, rolling my eyes.

"Oh… wow. Ok." James pulls back from the case and looks me full-on. "So what is it?"

I hesitate once more as I watch James watch me carefully. "Well, I…" I swallow and take a deep breath and finally say. "I actually want to be in research and development at a broomstick company. Any company at first, but it would be a dream come true if I could work at Firebolt."

"Really?" There's a hint of intrigue in James's tone and there's a small smile on his face.

Encouraged, I start to get excited and pace back in forth in front of James as I finally reveal what I've aspired to do for so long. "I would love to learn exactly what goes into every aspect of a broom's design and I think it would be great if I was able to invent a broom that would be used by professional teams. Racing brooms are great, but having a uniquely sport-centered broom would be completely different!"

I stop in my tracks and deflate. James probably isn't interested in any of this. He probably wasn't even interested before I started talking about different brooms. "Never mind," I say, wrapping my arms around myself and sighing. "It's lame and nerdy and impossible. I should just go for a job at the Ministry-"

"No way!" I turn quickly and see James jump up from the floor a rush over to me. "Blimey, Mer. I had no idea! That is really perfect for you."

I can't keep the smile from my face as James embraces me in his excitement. It's really perfect for me? That's the first time I've heard those words.

"When did you decide you wanted to do that?" James asks as he releases me. He is wearing a brilliant smile and I can tell this time that he is genuinely interested.

"Ever since I was old enough to start wondering how broomsticks fly," I answer, my smile growing. "Maybe 6 or 7? That's why I have to take Astronomy. It's a requirement for the Research divisions at all the major companies."

"This is great!" James dances away from me. He does a weird, somewhat choreographed routine with his arms as he spins in a circle and I burst out laughing.

"What in Merlin's name are you doing?"

"It's my Victory Dance. I'm thinking about using it for the house team next year."

"You look ridiculous."

"Oh, c'mon. It's perfect and you know it." James does the routine one more time and I laugh even harder. He joins me in laughter after he's finished and sits on the ground by his abandoned polishing cloth. "And it would also be perfect if you went into broomstick development. That way, when I'm a star player for Puddlemere, you can make a custom broom for me and then I'll be unbeatable!"

I reach out and give him a smack on the back of his head. "That's enough, Potter. Get back to work."

Footsteps echo down the corridor as James and I make our way to the Library once again to study for Astronomy. "Will your girlfriend be mad if you don't meet her tonight?"

James's polishing took longer than expected and we are only getting to start studying after dinner. I'm hoping we have time to get through everything before the theory portion tomorrow morning.

"We broke up last week. She called it off when I said I couldn't hang out as much."

"Oh!" I say. I hadn't heard that this had happened. "Well, good. She kept trying to distract you from studying."

"That's what I said!" James exclaims, scandalized. "I'm not sure I can ever forgive myself for uttering such foul language." James grabs my arm and fake-cries into my shoulder.

"This is just a part of growing up James," I tell him, patting his head gently.

"I hate it," he says, voiced muffled by my robes. He quickly stands up straight and adds, "But seriously, I can't lose my Quidditch privileges due to poor grades. I'm going to captain next year, after all!"

"I don't doubt it," I tell him as we keep walking.

"Why did you want to know about her?" James asks humorously after a moment. "You trying to get out of studying? This was your idea, you know."

"Shove off. I was only being curious."

"Looking to meet up with another secret boyfriend?" James's tone is teasing. I know he doesn't actually think that's the reason I was asking about his girlfriend… well, ex-girlfriend.

All the same, my stomach clenches painfully. "No," I say, voice low. I have to force the words out as everything in me wants to just clam up and not say anything. "I promised that wouldn't happen again."

The playful, easy atmosphere that usually surrounds us vanishes with my response. I stare at the floor and James and I walk in a tense silence.

"Sorry," James says finally. "I didn't mean-"

"Do you really think me wanting to work at a broomstick company isn't super lame?" I ask quickly, cutting him off.

I turn my head to look at him and he blinks a couple of times at the sudden change in subject. He smiles and laughs a little before saying, "No way! I think it's brilliant. Plus, you'll be excellent at it. Your pen is proof!"

"My pen?"

"The one we got in Muggle London," James explains. "You took it and Charmed it to be self-inking."

"But I bought that Charm from Wheezes," I remind him, embarrassed. He's making it sound like I did something great, even though it was basically a 'Charms for Dummies' explanation on the box. "Besides, I really struggled to get that pen to work. Sure, I was able to make it work in the end, but that Charm was supposed to be fool-proof and I ended up botching it a couple of time before getting it right."

"But that Charm was only meant for quills," James explains, smiling wider. "I thought you knew that."

"Only for quills?"

"That's what Uncle George said when I told him about your pen."

"Well, I did modify the spell a bit, but I thought there was just a typo on the box."

"Nope! You adjusted it to make it work for the pen because the original didn't."

"But that was just…"

"Mer, please," James huffs in amusement. "Give yourself some credit. Uncle George didn't believe me at first when I told him about it. He was so impressed that he told me that you could work for him if you wanted to." I jar to a stop in surprise and James takes a few steps past me before turning around, still smiling. "Well, then. Let's get a move on. We can't have you not making the grade for Astronomy with a goal as neat as yours."

I smile and a warm feeling spreads through my chest. Between his brilliant smile and his encouraging words, I can feel my confidence, and some new, unknown feeling, growing inside me. Blushing, I jog a few steps to catch up to James and we continue walking down the corridor.

"Thanks, James. My parents don't seem to understand. They support me and want me to do what I want to do, but they just don't get why I'm so interested in broomsticks. I doubt my dad even thought about what makes a broom fly until I asked him. I did my own research into them and when I tried to talk about it, they were completely lost. Mum keeps asking if there's an aspect of what I want to do that involves getting a job at the Ministry, but I'm less than interested in a government job."

"Good thing you've got us! We'll be happy to talk about brooms with you any time."

"Speaking of brooms," I start, tilting my head and looking over to James. "What happened to yours?"

"McGonagall made me put it away." James sticks his lower lip out in a ridiculous pout and I raise an eyebrow at him.

"You look stupid when you do that," I tell him.

"But I'll never be able to achieve that permanent wind-swept look I was going for," James cries, running a hand through his hair. "Think you could come up with something to help with that?"

"Sure," I say and immediately reach over scuff the back of his head so that his hair fluffs up hilariously. "There you go."

James pokes his lip out even further as he pats down his new hairstyle.

Arriving at the library, I'm relieved to see no sign of Corner as James and I settle down at an empty table. I pull out my Astronomy notes and start studying Northern Hemisphere constellations. Scanning the familiar names and star charts, my mind wanders back to my conversation with James on the way here.

******"Looking to meet up with another secret boyfriend?"******

I sigh and flip another page of notes. He didn't mean anything by it. He doesn't even know why that would shake my composure so bad.

I never told James about Brenden. I didn't tell any of my mates what happened.

After that night in January, I was brought home through the weekend where I holed myself up in my room for three days straight. I ate very little and cried most of the time. When it was time to return to school, I didn't know if I wanted to, or even could.

That is, I didn't know until I received a letter from James the morning I was supposed to be heading back. He wrote that he had heard that one of my family members was sick and asked if I was okay. He asked when I was coming back to school and mentioned that he got detention for transfiguring Chang's quill into a spider.

The letter was carefree and easy. James's writing didn't follow any particular pattern or thought process and carried joy that I was sure had abandoned me. Under the body of the letter were scribbles from Rose and Lily asking me to hurry back. Another from Fred begged me to hurry because James was becoming an insufferable twit. A single line was marked through it with James's handwriting noting that this was a lie. Roger drew a snitch and spelled it to flit around a small area of the page.

Phillip contributed nothing, but I didn't think about that until much later.

I flip another page of notes, even though I hardly remember what was on the last one.

After I got settled back in at Hogwarts the evening when I returned, I had to muster all my strength to face my mates. They were pleased to see me and inquired about my sick family member to which I answered that they were doing much better. When asked how I was doing, I forced a smile and replied, "Never better." I could tell Fred and Rose were skeptical.

"Hey, do you have notes on Callisto and Europa? I seem to have missed that class." James's voice startles me back to the present.

"Oh, sure," I say, ruffling through my stack of parchment to find the correct pages. Upon locating them, I hand them across the table to James. Our hands brush briefly and the same sensation I had just been remembering sweeps through me and I feel a blush rise in my cheeks.

"Thanks," James says as he takes the pages and returns to his studies. He doesn't seem to notice my reaction and I am thankful for it.

An alarming idea pops into my head. Am I starting to fancy James?

Impossible. I could never like someone who treats girls the way he does.

He doesn't treat you like that, I respond to myself.

I shake my head to clear my thoughts and look back at the notes in front of me.

Don't be stupid, I berate my inner voice. He's your mate and nothing more.

"So Europa is icy and Callisto is… wait, no. It's the other way around? Ugh! I thought I studied Jupiter's moons over the summer."

I look up, smirk, and whisper, "Why do you want to take Astronomy if you don't even like it?"

James look up at me as well, eyebrows contracted in confusion and whispers back, "You're doing N.E.W.T.-level too, right?"

"Yeah," I confirm, looking around to make sure we aren't bothering anyone. "But what I want to do requires it. You could take Muggle Studies and be golden. You don't have to take something difficult like Astronomy."

"But you're taking N.E.W.T.-level Astronomy."

"So?"

"Well, none of the other guys are continuing, so I thought I would since I could choose to take whatever and it would be fine considering that what I'm aiming for isn't academic."

A swooping sensation, identical to what I felt on our way to the library, fills my stomach and I smile bashfully. "So you're doing this for me?"

"Of course," James responds simply. "What are friends for?"

Friends, Mer, I tell myself. Friends. Don't get so full of yourself.

You don't deserve any better. The voice in my head has changed, now the sneering baritone that has been haunting me. My breathing quickens as the memory that I've been suppressing for months starts creeping back. You're helpless…

"No!"

James's head shoots up in alarm and hold my head in my hands, grabbing my hair near the roots tightly, holding back the tears that are threatening to spill.

I can tell the whole library is staring. After all, I did just yell that out loud.

I look up at James who is looking very alarmed and concerned. "Are you alright? Should we go to the Hospital Wing?"

I shake my head quickly, release my hair, and start gathering my things all the while keeping my head tucked and trying to steady my breathing. "Just exam pressure," I lie, stuffing my notes back into my school bag. "I'm done studying for now. You all set?"

Without waiting for an answer, I grab my bag, sling it over my shoulder, and leave the library in a hurry. A loud rustle of paper and a book slamming behind me suggests that James is packing in a hurry to follow me.

I stalk down the corridor, avoiding eye contact with the few people standing along the walls.

I really thought I was past this; past these flashbacks. Brenden's voice echoed through my head for weeks after that night. I only just starting sleeping through the night last month. I had told Rose that I was having trouble sleeping when she asked why I was tired all the time. She was very concerned about my health, but I just explained it away as nerves related to O.W.L.s.

She didn't believe me and, to be honest, I wasn't very convincing.

I realized a couple of weeks after the incident that Professor Longbottom, being a close family friend of the Potters and Weasleys, might warn James's and Rose's parents about what happened. With that in mind, I've braced myself for the reality that my mates might find out what happened without me telling them.

I may have braced myself, but I don't think I'm prepared to try to deal with someone confronting me about it. All I can hope is that James, being his thick self, won't figure this out.

James – I couldn't bear to lose him because of what I've done.

"Mer!" James is jogging down the hall after me, his footfalls echoing through the stone hall.

I hang my head lower and hug myself tightly. Hearing James and thinking about all of this makes the guilt return. I can't form a response and keep walking.

"Meredith!" James using my full name throws me off-guard and I look up. A pair of strong hands grab my arm and pull me back from the staircase I had almost walked off. "Bloody hell, Mer," James pants, releasing my arm. He doubles over and braces his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath.

I watch him, feeling even guiltier knowing he's so concerned.

******You don't deserve anything better than this.******

I hug myself tightly again and turn away from James who is still panting hard.

"Why didn't you wait for me?" James asks me, frustrated. "Merlin, Mer, you would have probably tumbled at least three floors if I hadn't grabbed you. What if I hadn't made it in time?"

He's angry. James Potter is angry with me.

Me. The one who is supposedly the expert at calming him down.

"I'm sorry," I say weakly, still turned away from him.

"Damn it, Mer," James says. He straightens up and paces a bit, hands resting on his hips. "Sorry I yelled. You just scared the hell out of me." He walks over and stands next to me. He cranes his head to look at my downturned face. "Are you sure you're alright?"

No! I want to scream. I'm not alright. I don't know when I will be alright.

"I'm fine," I tell him instead. "It's just the pressure of the exams. I'll be better after a good night of sleep."

I look up at James. His brown eyes pierce through me as if he is using Legilimency. "I don't believe you," he says after a few seconds. "I don't believe you, but okay. Just know that I'm here to listen if you want to talk."

I take a deep breath and blink slowly. I close the small distance between me and James and hug him tightly. I take a deep breath, allowing his scent to calm my anxiety. "Thank you, James. You have no idea how much that means to me."

"Anytime," he says smiling and patting my head. "After all, what are friends for?"