Hi everyone!
Welcome TO THE LAST CHAPTER!
This is bitter sweet for me. I absolutely loved writing this and getting all of the amazing feedback from all of you, so I'm sad to see it go. But, I am very happy to have finished a multi-chapter fic in a short amount of time - usually they take up months (or years) of my time. Anyways, this is the last chapter. Yay!
Note: First of all, before we get to the chapter, I just want to thank you guys for sticking with this fic. I know I lost a few of you guys last chapter or disappointed a few of you. I understand that you may not have come here for a major character death and I am sorry if you weren't expecting that. When I write a story, there is one specific plot detail that catches my attention and I build a story around that. For "Ashes", the specific plot detail that lead to this whole fic was actually Bellamy's death. I know quite a few of you wanted him to live (myself included). I just wanted to give you guys an extra bit of love this chapter because 1) I'm sappy that this is the end, and 2) you guys have stuck with me until here! Also, a special shout out to some of my readers that let me rant to them about my conflicting ideas. You guys rock.
Warning: This chapter is lighter than the last one. It still has a dark feel to it, but it is nothing like the last one. This is more of a hurt/comfort chapter, not angst. As always, I'll leave this warning here because of the stronger language used.
Once again, thanks for sticking with me! I hope you enjoy this final chapter!
Ashes
Chapter 5: Eyes
Five days after Praimfaya…
Clarke stood in her hazmat suit, feeling completely numb. She could feel the turmoil of emotions buzzing around inside of her, but she mostly felt empty. She felt as if a hole had been punched in her stomach and it had been growing bigger and bigger.
Her grey eyes danced as the flames flickered in front of her and the crackle of the fire burning the wood filled her ears. Other than the pops from the embers in front of her, it was silent. Not a single sound was made on the new Earth. There were no birds to chirp, there were no streams to run, there were no trees to have wind rustle through. There was nothing.
The world was different.
She was different.
It had been only a handful of nights after Praimfaya, yet it felt like years.
The trees still smouldered around her from the wave of radiation that hit them. The sky was dark from the ash hanging in the sky. The plants that had survived the fires were suffocating and dying from the lack of sunlight. The air felt like acid in her nose – it was still thick with the smoke, dust, and ash.
It was like hell.
From what Clarke could tell, she was the only survivor.
Her eyes flickered to the body that lay among the flames and tears sprung to her eyes.
The only survivor.
She took a deep breath to steady herself, blinking furiously to get the tears out of her eyes. Clarke felt like she owed it to him to give him a proper funeral. One where she didn't spend half of the time crying, instead of paying her respects and sending him onto the next journey without a proper goodbye. She knew that if she started to cry, she wouldn't be able to stop.
So, she held her tears back.
The past few days had been a mix of sobs, nausea, pain, and rediscovery of Earth. The few hours after she discovered his body had ripped her apart. She didn't put his body down. She just held it close to her, praying that life would somehow flow back into him.
It never did.
She was in denial, no doubt about that. Even though she knew it was a waste of energy, she felt like she would have been giving up on him if she didn't try something. So, she worked for what felt like hours on reviving him.
She pounded on his heart, blew into his mouth. She screamed and sobbed when his pulse didn't change, no matter how much CPR she gave him. She considered shocking him, like what had been done to Lincoln and Raven, but she couldn't do it. Her medical training to her it was too late at that point.
Nothing could bring him back.
Even after several days, it didn't feel real. It didn't feel like she was the last person on Earth. It didn't feel like she had just lost her best friend and the man she loved. It didn't feel like she might never see her friends or her family again. It didn't feel like she let anybody down.
But she did.
She failed everyone. She failed him.
Clarke closed her eyes tightly, refusing the tears. She took a few deep breaths before reopening them.
It took her four days to be able to think clearly. On the fourth day, she decided that he would want her to stop her wallowing and to begin exploring the post-apocalyptic Earth. He would want her to start finding a way to take care of herself. He would want her to be looking for survivors. That day, she began her hunt. She used the radios, she used signals, and she had begun to look around on foot.
The world was empty.
She was empty.
Fuck, how was she going to survive? So far, she had stumbled upon several bottles of water and canned food in Becca's lab, but that wouldn't last her much longer. How was she going to hunt and gather if there wasn't anything left on Earth for her to use?
How was she going to live with the pain? How was she going to live with the guilt?
The feeling wasn't new, but it wasn't a welcome one. The denial. The pain. The regret. The guilt. The hate.
She may have lost many before, but she always had someone to lean on in those times. When she had lost her dad, her mother had given her moments of comfort before she was thrown in the cell. When she lost Wells, she had found comfort in the other delinquents. When she had lost Finn, her mother and Bellamy were there for her. And Lexa? When she lost her, her friends were there to support her.
Bellamy was there.
He was always there.
Not anymore.
Who was going to support her now that he was gone?
God, she was a total mess. Just thinking about his name brought sharp jolts of pain to her heart. Just thinking about his face brought tears to her eyes. Just thinking about the way his eyes lit up when he spoke about something he was passionate about sent waves of hurt through her body.
It was all so fresh. It was all so real.
Yet, she didn't want it to be.
Clarke focused herself again. He deserved her full attention.
She wasn't too sure what type of goodbye he would've liked. They never discussed that sort of thing – who would have? Nobody could've predicted the way this had turned out. Nobody could have predicted that he would be dead and she wouldn't.
She decided to give him the funeral she hoped he would've given her if their roles were reversed. They had grown up on the Ark, so she felt that it was fitting to use some of their rituals for his funeral. Of course, she could not send him out of an air-lock and return him back to Earth, but she used that basic premise. His ashes would be able to be returned to the ground, becoming a part of the new Earth. She felt that it was fitting, as a similar practice was done with the Grounders. It was a perfect balance of both chapters of their lives.
"In peace, may you leave the shore." Her voice was raspy and hoarse from lack of use from the past few days. Her throat was still healing from the damage done during Praimfaya. In fact, her whole body was still healing. Just as she had witnessed with Luna, all signs of radiation poisoning were nearly erased. Angry red marks across her skin were the only signs that damage had been done. "In love, may you find the next." Her voice was stronger now. She could still hear the waver in her voice, but she refused to let the sadness overtake her. "Safe passage on your travels until our final journey to the ground." A wave of tears hit Clarke that she couldn't blink away. She let a few tears escape as she said the final words to the prayer. "May we meet again."
Clarke's heart hurt.
"Bellamy," she began. She took a step closer to the roaring flames.
God, did it ever hurt.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for what has happened." Her voice broke. Just as she predicted, once the first tear fell, the rest could not be stopped. Her cheeks were quickly covered in the liquid.
If only he hadn't come with her.
"You shouldn't have been there," she said, voicing her thoughts.
If only Raven requested him to load her spacesuit into the rocket, not Harper.
"You should've stayed back. We would've been separated for five years, but at least you would still be alive."
If only he had gone to help Monty and Murphy carry the oxygenator from the lighthouse.
"Anything would be better than you being dead." That word was like poison in her mouth. Dead. Oh god, he was dead.
If only Emori needed help loading the rocket.
"I regret so much. I wish I would've been better to you. I wish I would've been there for you more. I wish that I never wasted my time hating you, or pretending that I was not in love with you." She bit her lip to hold back a sob. "I do. I do love you, Bellamy." She let a few seconds tick by.
If only Monty took off his gloves.
"I'm sorry, Bellamy. I'm sorry I didn't try harder. I'm sorry I didn't do more. I'm sorry I never told you that I love you."
If only he hadn't come with her.
"Goodbye, Bellamy. We will meet again."
Three months after Praimfaya…
Clarke laid flat on her side, curled up in a ball. Her back was pressed up against a trunk from a fallen tree. A fire crackled in front of her and her rifle lay clutched between her fingers.
She took a deep breath.
It still smelled like him.
She shifted on the ground, pulling Bellamy's jacket tighter around her shoulders. It was all she had left of him. Even though it was singed in some places and ripped in others, she would never let this go.
She could never let him go.
It was a cold night. Who was she kidding, it always was a cold night. There was still a layer of ash hanging in the sky, preventing the full amount of solar radiation from entering Earth.
The world was gone.
Clarke didn't look away from the embers at the base of the fire. Her breath came out as clouds due to the frigid temperatures and her shoulders shook.
Luckily enough, Clarke had found the one place in the world that was green. It was still healing. After all, the wave of death was only a few months ago.
She was still healing.
Clarke pulled on the collar of Bellamy's jacket again, burying her nose in the material. God, she missed him so much.
She was alone. She had been for months. It was harder than it sounded. Everyday was a constant battle for survival – she had to battle the elements of a radiation soaked planet, she had to find resources to keep her alive and nourished, and she had to combat loneliness.
Loneliness was a terrible enemy. It was one she had experience with before, when she was in isolation for her crimes on the Ark. At least when she was locked up, she had human contact when the guards came to deliver her food. It was minor contact, but just seeing a human face was enough to keep her centred.
Now, she didn't even have that.
She hadn't seen another human in months. She hadn't heard the voice of someone since Praimfaya. She hadn't felt the warmth of a human touch in so long.
All previous human contact felt like ghosts in her life. If she closed her eyes, she could remember a face. If she tried hard enough, she could hear a voice calling her name. If she allowed her mind to wonder, she could feel warm arms snake around her body and her back falling against someone's chest.
Well, it wasn't just anyone.
It was him.
Bellamy.
It was his face that she would see when she closed her eyes – his lips pulled into a wide smile and his eyes dancing with joy. It was his voice she could hear calling her name – his laugh echoed around her empty ears. It was his arms she felt pull her into a hug – they were familiar – they were home.
She didn't know when it started, but she felt tears running down her face.
God, she missed him so much. She missed people so much.
It was driving her mad, being alone. It killed her, thinking of how they could've been together if the fates hadn't set out to separate them.
She would never be able to get her mind off of his final moments. Bellamy running beside her through the woods. Climbing the tower with him, knowing they were experiencing their final moments on Earth. Stumbling through the forest beside him, each pulling the other along. Bellamy tripping of the damn tree root, ripping his protective suit. The bone chilling moan of pain he let out before falling to the snow covered ground as Praimfaya approached. His cries as she helped him to his feet and raced into the lab. The screams of pain as the wave hit. His face, covered in blisters and burns. His body falling to the ground. All of the blood, soaking into her knees as she crouched beside his body. The stillness of his chest. The emptiness of his eyes.
Clarke shivered.
If only he hadn't come with her.
That was the thought that had played over and over in her mind for the past few months. If only… If he didn't go with her, he would still be alive.
If only the communications system wouldn't have failed.
They would still be together, living in peace on the Ark with their friends.
Damn it. She wished that was her reality.
Instead, she was living in hell. Her reality was made up of loneliness and death.
If only, if only.
If only she could turn back time.
"Hello?" a small voice called, breaking Clarke out from her thoughts. Clarke's head shot up from where it had slumped against the ground.
What the fuck was that?
Was she finally at the breaking point? Was she so alone that she would now start to imagine voices of people that weren't really there?
"Hello!?" Clarke swore she could hear that voice again. It was the voice of a young girl.
Clarke was chilled. Was she hallucinating this?
A little girl stepped out from the shadows, her lips between her teeth and her hands balled up in tiny fists at her side.
Clarke realized with a jolt that she was not dreaming. This was not a hallucination.
This was real.
Where did this girl come from? Who was she? How did she survive? A million questions ran through Clarke's head.
She was conflicted. Part of her felt ecstatic that she was not alone anymore. Another part of her felt so off and chilled that a real person was standing right in front of her.
"Heya," the young girl said in Trigedasleng once she caught sight of Clarke.
"Hi," Clarke responded, completely breath taken. She rubbed the tears from her face.
"I wasn't able find my nomon," the girl continued. "I want my nomon." Her chin trembled as she fought back tears.
"What's your name?" Clarke manage to say, her voice cracking several times from the emotions that had hit her earlier that night. The shy girl let out a small smile. She took a few steps away from the shadows, allowing the sunlight to hit her.
Clarke felt the air leave her chest.
It felt like the whole world had stopped when she caught sight of her face. It was almost like nothing else mattered in the whole world – not her pain, not finding food, not trying to contact the Ark.
Nothing else mattered.
It was just herself and the young girl.
It was just herself and those eyes.
She had his eyes.
Clarke knew it was impossible. She did not believe in reincarnation without the Flame, but, somehow, this little girl had the exact same eyes as him.
Clarke couldn't help it when her jaw dropped open and her lips parted the slightest bit. This young girl in front of her held those eyes that she loved beyond measure.
Those rich eyes that had seen so much. The eyes that conveyed his emotions, an exact window to the soul. The eyes that held so much knowledge and understanding. The eyes that crinkled when he smiled.
His eyes.
It was almost like she was looking at him.
It was almost like she was looking at Bellamy.
Clarke instantly felt drawn to this small child. She felt as if the world was giving her a sign. Even if Bellamy was gone, she could still have part of him. She could still save a life, even though she failed to save his.
She was convinced – fate had drawn her to this child.
She was her responsibility now.
"Madi. My name is Madi. What's yours?" Clarke smiled, even though just moments ago it felt like she would never be able to again. Somehow, seeing his eyes blink back at her provided the exact comfort that she needed.
Typical. Bellamy always knew what she needed to feel better, even before she knew it herself.
"Clarke." Her thoughts drifted to Bellamy again. He would have loved her.
"I'm scared, Clarke," she whimpered. Clarke felt herself push her own emotions into a box, locking them up. She was responsible for this child. Or, at least it felt like it.
It was just the two of them left in the world now.
She got up from the ground, dusting off the dirt from her side. She took a small step towards the trembling child.
"Don't worry, Madi. Everything is alright." Clarke winced at the large lie she just told. It was definitely not alright. It hadn't been alright in months, and it wouldn't be alright for a few more years. "I'll help you find your nomon." Clarke knew that Madi's mother was dead. If she hadn't found her in three months, there was a very small amount of hope. In fact, Clarke was surprised that this young girl was still out searching for her family.
This was a sign. She had his eyes and had crossed her path during a time of wavering – a new purpose in life. Someone needed her help and she was no longer alone.
Clarke closed the distance between herself and the child, not able to look away from her brown eyes. She reached her and put her hand on her small shoulder.
"Let's get looking, shall we?"
One year after Praimfaya…
"Good, Madi!" Clarke praised. The young girl turned away from their target and sent a beaming smile in Clarke's direction. Madi had begged Clarke for months to teach her how to shoot a gun. She was still young – too young, in Clarke's opinion – but she felt it was better that she taught her how to handle the gun properly before an accident happened. Plus, she could always use help when hunting.
Madi was just as strong willed as she was. Clarke could see a lot of similarities between herself and her adoptive child. Madi was a hard worker; Clarke liked to think she was as well. Madi had a passion for learning new things and doing her best all of the time – a trait Clarke hoped to have a shadow of within herself. Overall, the seven-year-old was dedicated, hard working, strong, and always trying to please.
As Madi took a few more shots at the tree, Clarke couldn't help but marvel at the flutter of her heart inside of her chest. Madi was her whole world now – she held a special piece of her heart, just beside the piece reserved for Bellamy.
When Madi and Clarke first found each other, they spent the next several weeks searching for her family. When they covered miles and miles of destroyed land, Madi finally realized that she was the last of her bloodline. She finally came to terms with the death of her family.
During that time, Clarke had come to terms with the deaths of all of her family, friends, and loved ones. She came to terms with Bellamy's death. He had sacrificed his life for a better world – a world where his friends would survive and go on to build a bright future.
It was still painful. Most nights, she woke up screaming because she could still hear his screams or still see his face.
Sometimes, she couldn't look at Madi. Her eyes were too much of a reminder of his – they brought back such painful memories. It brought back the fresh pain and all of the loss that she had felt and continued to feel.
They reminded her of what could've been.
Some nights, Clarke laid awake under the smoky sky, with images filling her brain. She tried her best not to linger on the 'what ifs' – it was always so painful when she snapped back to reality and realized that it was only a dream and could only ever be a dream. But, some days, that's all she had.
Countless times, she imagined their life on the Ark with their friends. The communications system never blew up and they never had to go realign the satellite. Or, the satellite aligned itself automatically when they plugged the computer in and made it back to the rocket in time for launch. Regardless of how it happened, they made it to Ark.
It was there that they grew closer together. She imagined that they would spend the first few weeks re-learning the spaceship that they had been raised on. She would've shown him her old house and her old room. He would've laughed at her stuffed animal that her mother had bought her when she was younger. Then, he would fall silent when they both realized that it was his mother had sewn it for her. When they visited Bellamy's house, he would pull out an almost-twin to the bear that sat in Clarke's room – they were more identical in ways than they were different. Bellamy would show her where Octavia used to hide and Clarke would nearly get sick from being in such suffocating conditions. On his morning run, he would've stumbled across her old cell and her paintings on the walls. When he found her at breakfast that morning, he would've pressed his mouth to hers with such passion because damn it, Clarke, you didn't deserve all of that pain. They would've laid together at night, looking out into the night sky. Even though the constellations that they could see from the Ark were entirely different than the ones the Ancient Greeks had seen from Earth, he would've told her stories of heroes and great battles. Clarke liked to imagine that he would've told her he loved her while they wondered the halls of their home – not right before his death. She liked to imagine that she responded with those exact words – not stare at him like he had lost his mind.
Other times, Clarke would imagine their life on Earth if his suit never tore or if she hadn't passed out. She would've been able to save him. She liked to think that she would've been able to replicate Nightblood, inject it into Bellamy and they would live happily together. Of course, there were several major problems with that, but she liked to torture herself as much as possible with false hope of what could've been.
She imagined that they would be scared at first. They wouldn't want to leave the lab. They were safe there, at least, and they had food and water. But, of course, Clarke would insist that they had to explore the land and Bellamy would be eager to search for survivors. Once he was made a Nightblood, they would venture out into the new world, learning it together. Eventually, they would stumble across a little girl with his eyes – Madi. Clarke could imagine that they would've become a family, all three of them. Bellamy could teach Madi how to shoot a gun, not Clarke. Bellamy would be able to give her piggyback rides and teach her the Ancient Greek mythology. Clarke would try her best to teach Madi about the different plants that had survived the fire, but Madi would of course know more and end up teaching the two adults. Clarke could imagine snuggling into Bellamy every night, whispering her love over and over – never really forgiving herself for not repeating it right back the first time. Of course, Bellamy would have a deep laugh and tell her to stop being ridiculous because at least they're together now.
It was almost painful at times, how clearly she could imagine their future. It physically hurt her heart to think of the endless possibilities. She could drive herself insane by thinking of little details that could've been changed that would've saved Bellamy's life.
Clarke was broken away from her train of thought when Madi hit dead centre of the target pasted on the tree. She let out a little whoop and pumped her fist in celebration. Clarke felt a strong sense of pride. A wide smile spread across her face.
She was a natural.
"Great job, Madi!" Clarke called. The smile across the little girl's face left Clarke with a feeling of peace. "You're really getting the hang of it."
"Come show me again, Clarke!" Madi called, her voice betraying how excited the young Nightblood was. She rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet and excitedly waved Clarke towards her. Clarke complied and walked closer to her. "I want to be as good as you!" Clarke laughed.
"My natblida, you're already better than me!" she poked her in the arm. Madi swatted it away.
"Then I want to be as good as the great hero Bellamy!" Clarke's heart stopped and her breath got caught in her throat at hearing his name. No time would ever heal that wound – not any time that she had experienced, anyways. Anytime she spoke of her best friend, or if Madi mentioned him, her body would be sent through a shockwave of pain.
The great hero Bellamy.
Clarke felt like that was the best way to honour him. He had love for Greek mythology and extensive knowledge on those great heroes. He also had many traits of Greek heroes – he defeated many unbeatable monsters, he went on several quests to save his people, and he came to a unique and sudden end. All of those qualities were ones that made up those Greek heroes. That, paired with his sacrifice, bravery, and heroism… well, he was Madi's favourite hero.
She loved to hear stories of the great Bellamy. It helped Clarke come to terms with his death and honour him, plus it brought such joy to Madi. Telling stories of Bellamy had become one of Clarke's favourite moments. Once the sun set and the fire was lit, Madi would curl up close to Clarke and listen to the adventures of the hero Bellamy. Madi even took it upon herself to name a cluster of stars after him, creating her own constellation.
It was poetic, in a sense. She knew he was up there, among the stars. She guessed Madi did as well, one way or another.
While his constellation started off as Madi's idea, Clarke had grown fond of it. His constellation included the North Star and, true to her own Bellamy, he was always there to lead them home. Whenever she needed him, she could just look to the sky and be comforted.
"Am I as good as him, Clarke?" Madi questioned. Clarke smiled and touched her brown hair lightly. She dropped to her knees beside Madi and pulled her into a hug. The Grounder didn't hesitate to return it.
"You, my little natblida, would make Bellamy proud," Clarke whispered. Madi giggled and pulled away. Her grey eyes met Madi's brown and a jolt of love went through her – love for both the young girl in front of her and the man that also bore those eyes.
She still had regrets. Clarke knew she couldn't change the past, no matter how hard she tried. She couldn't bring him back. She had grown to accept this, even though he would never truly leave her heart.
Her biggest regret was not telling him her feelings. When he said 'I love you,' why didn't she respond? She had come to accept his death, but she could never forgive herself for not repeating those three words back.
As Madi stared up at Clarke with Bellamy's eyes, she felt as if she was staring into both of their souls at once. Clarke tucked a stray brown hair behind her ear, but their eyes never left each others.
"I love you," Clarke whispered.
It was almost as if she was not just saying those words to Madi alone, but to Bellamy too. A sense of peace washed over her.
"I know, Clarke. I love you, too." The young girl threw herself back into Clarke's arms.
Maybe, just maybe, he knew too.
Clarke glanced up at the North Star and smiled. For the first time in over a year, she felt truly at peace. For the first time since his death, she felt like she had made things right.
'I love you, Bellamy,' she thought up at the sky. She could almost hear his laugh. She could almost feel his lips on her ear, brushing against it. She could almost see his lips quirk into a smile.
'I know, Clarke. I love you, too.'
The End.
Alright, there you have it! One BIG thank you to all of you guys that have stayed until the end for this fic. Many hugs for you.
Note: For this chapter to work, I just assigned Madi's eye colour to be brown. If you've kept up with news from The 100, you might know that the actress set to portray Madi has blue or grey eyes. I'm sorry for this inconsistency! As a solution, I propose that we just pretend Madi has brown eyes? Or, even better, young Madi has brown eyes and the high levels of radiation changed them grey/blue! Yes, yes, I know, radiation doesn't work that way but *shrug*. Thanks for accepting this, guys!
Note 2: So, recently (as in, the past two days), I've been having the biggest internal debate on what I should do about this fic. Like I mentioned above, the main purpose of this fic was to explore character death. But, I equally loved my planned ending that resulted in Bellamy living. Even after posting, I was conflicted. Anyways, like I mentioned last chapter, I am considering doing an alternate ending. In your review (or a PM, I don't mind), let me know if you would be interested in reading this! If so, would you prefer I post it as a one-shot or would you prefer it as a chapter?
Yay self-promotion time! If you enjoyed "Ashes", I do have several other Bellarke fics that you can find by clicking on my profile! They are all one-shots and are called "The Demons Within", "Time," "Tortured Souls," and "Gray". I also have brand new story called "You're A Good Man, Bellamy Blake" - if you are looking for something lighter to read after reading this heartbreaker, I suggest you check that out!
As always, thank you! You guys have been so supportive and encouraging! I have received wonderful feedback throughout this story and have met some amazing people through this fandom. Thank you so much for all of the reviews, favourites, and follows.
Leave me a review to let me know your opinions on this chapter and on the whole story in general! I accept signed and anonymous reviews, PLUS I respond to each review from a member.
Much love to you all!
May we meet again,
Paw