February 20th, 2017
"Are you sure we should be doing this ma'am?"
I sighed and shifted forward in my saddle, trying to find my balance as Beda trotted down the street, carrying me away from the Capitol building. Since my attack I had found riding, and a thousand other things, difficult.
My balance was interrupted at the worst moments by attacks of vertigo, leaving me clutching onto a solid surface until the moment passed, but when I was astride a horse the attacks lasted longer.
Glancing over at Natasha I smiled faintly, knowing she was only asking out of concern. It was because of her diligence that I was even alive. If she hadn't followed me to my office I wouldn't have been found for another ten minutes and would have died.
Bass joked about making her Commanding General instead of Miles, but I don't think he knew what to do to thank her. No one knew what to do with me, really.
I wasn't sure either.
Every day was a damn struggle.
After the brain trauma I had suffered I had needed to learn how to walk again and my speech had been slurred for weeks, aphasia had taken my ability to connect images with words, and even now vertigo took my ability to walk or ride.
I knew that Bass and I belonged together, finally. When I had first woken up from my coma his face and Miles's were foggy, familiar in the way of a dream. I could barely speak and was weaker than a kitten, easily upset.
Even thinking on it now I felt a lump form in my throat, anger at my own damaged and broken body's betrayal surging once again. Swallowing hard I stared down at Beda's powerful neck, her hair looking almost coppery in the bright sun.
I practiced squeezing my calves against her, using muscles that had grown weak while I rested and relearned how to walk. My beautiful girl happily trotted forward and I smiled softly, patting her neck and crooned soft words of approval, laughing when she nickered and turned her head back, as if to encourage me as well.
"You two are thick as thieves," Natasha said, laughing softly.
I nodded and glanced over at her, smiling softly. "It's nice to be riding again, thank you for sneaking me out Nat," I said, smiling at her gratefully. Bass and Miles had been watching over me so carefully it was hard to get away from either of them, let alone the doctors and nurses.
For so long Bass had looked at me like I was shattered, his eyes shadowed, even as he smiled at me, his hands gentle as he helped me walk or dress or eat.
The weakness it made me feel angered me; made me angry at him for stealing the little strength I had to fight for each day and making each accomplishment feel like it was no more than a baby blowing spit bubbles.
Miles could barely look at me when he first started coming to see me; his guilt was so palpable I could taste it in the air. When you can barely remember the names of the men who are supposed to be your lover and best friend, that's a lot of emotion to lay at someone's feet.
Natasha remained at my side through it all, her silence and strength a reliable rock I could drag myself onto when everyone else's emotions became a vast undertow that threatened to suck me under into an ocean I didn't understand and didn't have the strength yet to swim in.
As I grew stronger and began to remember more, I asked her to take me for walks around the building, then out into the streets, then down to the stables where Beda was. Now that I had my strength back in my legs to a greater degree I had managed to convince her to sneak me away for daily rides.
The doctors disapproved and threatened to tell Bass.
I told them if they wanted to remain my doctors, and alive, that probably wasn't a good idea.
I wouldn't do anything to them, but I couldn't vouch for Bass.
I knew Natasha was uncomfortable with sneaking me out for rides, especially with my vertigo, but I also knew that I was safe in her presence. I also knew that I needed time away from the Capitol building.
After my Valentine's dinner with Bass and our kiss, he had grown more insistent that I rest, get strong, and not strain myself with work relating to the Republic. My brow furrowed, recalling our last argument.
"I'd just like to see what's been happening while I was in a coma. I didn't think it was that outrageous of a request," I remarked, frustration making my voice sharp.
Bass shook his head, "You don't have to worry about it. Miles and I have it handled. I promise. I just want you to rest and get strong," he replied tiredly, his eyes warm with affection as he looked up at me from where he sat behind his desk.
It was a goddamn power move, him refusing to get up and making me feel like just another citizen asking the President for a favor. My eyes narrowed in annoyance and I stepped forward to lay my hands on his desk, crowding into his space.
His eyes widened in surprise and I smirked, one corner of my lips turning up.
"Sebastian. You can't do my job. It's why it's my job. Send me the papers," I murmured, the threat clear in my voice.
It was his turn to narrow his eyes at me, "And if I don't?" he demanded softly.
I leaned further in, my cheek brushing against his as my lips found his ear, "You will," I whispered, feeling him shiver against me as I smirked and pulled away, turning and walking away before he had the chance to refute me.
Still…he hadn't sent the papers. It had been two days and he had ignored my request. He thought perhaps that I would back down, that I didn't have the strength to fight him on this. I set my jaw and shook my head, nudging Beda into a canter.
There was a Cabinet Meeting this afternoon, and Bass most likely thought I was going to be in physical therapy or some psychologist's office. I smirked and began guiding Beda back towards the city, leaning lower over her neck, letting the cool air slap me in the face as she cantered happily.
"Come on girl, we've got a meeting to get to," I murmured, grinning.
"Ma'am, are you sure this is a good idea?" Nat asked softly as I walked down the halls, trying to disguise the exhaustion I was feeling with a confident swagger. I knew I wasn't fooling her if she was asking me that, and I glanced up at the taller woman, smiling tiredly.
"Probably not Nat, but I'll be damned if Bass is going to shut me out of my own job," I murmured.
She sighed and shook her head, "Becca, you suffered a brain injury and bodily injury that you're still recovering from, don't you think he has a right to be concerned about your ability to do the job?" she asked reasonably.
I nodded and paused outside the Cabinet Meeting room, "But neither of us will ever know if I can do this or if it's too soon unless I try," I replied softly before turning away and shoving the door open, interrupting the meeting.
All eyes turned to me and a low murmur ran around the table.
I inspected each face, looking for some sign of guilt, some indication that the person who had attacked me was sitting here among my peers and my gaze rested longest on Tom Neville, but there was nothing in any of their faces to tell me anything other than that they were genuinely surprised to see me.
Bass rose from the head of the table, his face thunderous. "Ambassador Flynn, we weren't expecting you," he murmured, his voice dangerously pleasant. He was warning me; if I made a scene, I could lose a lot more than my job.
I met his eyes and nodded, "The best surprises are usually the ones you don't expect," I lobbed back and a low snort came from my left; Miles. My gaze darted to his and he nodded at me, giving his silent support.
"We were in the middle of a Cabinet Meeting. Perhaps it would be better if I briefed you on the details after," Bass replied firmly, trying to urge me out of the room as politely as possible.
I smiled sharply and stepped forward, going to the empty chair at his right, my chair, and pulled it out so I could sit down. I could see his fingers curling around the edge of the table so tightly his knuckles were white and his throat worked hard, fighting back a shout.
"That's not necessary President Monroe, I'm happy to sit through the end and give my advice where I can. I'm just getting back into the swing of things, so perhaps I can meet with the Cabinet leaders one on one throughout this week, if you're all amenable?" I asked, turning to smile at my colleagues, effectively ignoring Bass, who I knew was glowering at my back.
I could see their expressions, varying from impressed to amused as they nodded and I quickly turned back to Bass, giving him a satisfied smile, "There we go! Now, why don't we resume the meeting? I'm sure everyone here is eager to get this over with, if I remember correctly, they don't go well on the best of days," I joked, smiling benignly at the group around the table.
A chuckle spread and heads bobbed; people began to chatter softly. Bass and I met each other's eyes and I could see it in his eyes-a blaze of anger so bright it looked like his eyes were shining from within.
He slowly released the table and sank back into his chair, the action catching the attention of the Cabinet, and a moment later the meeting resumed.
This fight wasn't over, I knew. Not by a long shot.
As the Cabinet members filed out of the room I patiently remained seated at the table, looking through the papers people had left with me for review, ignoring the angry, heated looks Bass was throwing my way as he talked softly with Cabinet members.
When the room had emptied of just Bass, Miles and myself I heard the door slam shut and boots echoing loudly across the floor before my chair abruptly spun away from the table, Bass looming over me, his blue eyes as overcast as a lightning storm.
His hands clamped down on the arms of the chair, caging me in, and I could feel his anger seething out.
"What the hell do you think that was?" he demanded, his voice barely a whisper.
I leaned forward, crowding him back. "Me. Doing my job. Like I told you I could. Better than you can. Like I told you I can," I murmured archly.
His eyes narrowed and he shook his head, "You've been going out riding with Natasha, Becca."
I stared at him for a moment, contemplating how he could know. Natasha wouldn't tell him. She was my security, she reported to me in everything, the only time she hadn't was when I was in a coma, and even then I trusted her to keep my secrets and agendas—short of the killing me.
That left the stable hands. I probably hadn't bribed them enough.
Shit
I nodded and crossed a leg over the other, leaning back to appear as casual as possible. "And?" I asked, lifting an insolent brow at him.
Bass abruptly pulled away and ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head as he paced, his gaze darting away and back to me, "AND? And you could have been killed! You're still recovering! You have bouts of vertigo! How do you even sit a horse?" he demanded.
I glanced over at Miles who looked like he wanted to be anywhere else and turned my gaze back to Bass, smirking faintly. "Very carefully," I murmured.
Bass sputtered and tossed up his hands, "I-I don't even know what to do with you!" he declared, sounding fed up.
In one large leap I was up out of the chair, bounding to step in front of him, my eyes narrowed dangerously, my hand shoving his shoulder so he stumbled back and his shoulders banged off the mantle of the fireplace.
"You don't need to do a damn thing Sebastian. I'm not asking you for anything anymore, because I'm a fucking adult. If I want to do my job, I'm going to show up and do it. If I want to ride my horse, I'm going to ride her. If I want to go for a walk, I'll do it. You are not my father, my husband, my owner, my anything. You don't get to control what I do!" I shouted, my frustration from the past weeks boiling over.
Hurt spasmed over his face and he collapsed against the wall, his hands softening at his sides from hard fists into limp, clutching things that hung uselessly.
I heard the door shut behind us and knew that Miles had made his escape, leaving us to cut each other to pieces.
"I'm not your anything?" he whispered, his gaze questioning. "What happened to Ty moya lyubov'" he whispered, his voice raw and shaky.
I flinched away this time, regret flooding me. I avoided his gaze, staring instead down at the dark hardwood.
"I was telling you something I remembered," I whispered, the lie burning on my tongue. I glanced back up at him and saw it blazing into him too, searing away at his trust in me.
"You're a liar Becca," he whispered hoarsely and my eyes popped up to his face, hope blazing through me. "You're too goddamn stubborn for your own good, and you refuse to give an inch when all I'm asking for is a fucking millimeter!" he snapped, tossing a hand up in frustration.
My spine straightened and I felt fire racing through my veins. "Too stubborn? You're a good one to talk! I'm constantly fighting you for every choice I make! You make me feel like I need to apologize for everything, and it's not healthy President Monroe," I snarled.
Bass pushed himself away from the wall, his full height towering over me, but I felt no fear or intimidation, only the urge to fight back. I was so tired of playing his games.
"You want me to be a good little girl and sit at home, letting you rule like some demented king while I recover, but that's not going to happen. Face it Sebastian, you need me, you've always needed me, and you can't stand it!" I hissed at him, poking him in the chest, my face turned up to his, my eyes glowing with righteous anger.
His larger hand clamped down around my finger and yanked, pulling me against his chest, his mouth abruptly swooping down to slam against mine. His lips were bruising as I struggled away, anger flooding me.
He broke away and his chest heaved against mine as he glared at me, "Don't you get it Becca?" he whispered, "I know I need you. I can't stand the thought of losing you. I'd do anything to protect you, and I just want you to think of your health! I'm perfectly capable of running this Republic while you get your strength back, if you'd just trust me," he insisted.
I heaved out a heavy breath and leaned my head against his chest, annoyance and amusement filling me, my anger draining away slowly. How in the hell had I fallen in love with this pain in the ass?
"I don't want to just sit around doing nothing but physio and listening to psyche doctors though Sebastian. I want to do my job. I want to be me," I whispered, my voice slightly muffled against his chest.
I lifted my gaze up to his face and met his eyes, "You're asking me to stop being me, and we both know that's not going to happen. So can you meet me halfway?" I asked softly.
His fingers were warm where they curled around my elbows, holding me close, and his breath blew in shallow pants across my face, softly tinged with the scent of mint and tobacco—still sneaking the occasional cigarette I see, I thought.
He nodded slowly and his fingers curled tighter around my arms, pulling me closer, his eyes intent on my face—so blue they looked like the sky after a day of rain. "Keep your meetings with the Cabinet members short and don't stay up all hours of the night working and you have a deal," he murmured.
I chuckled softly and shook my head, "What are you going to do for me?" I murmured softly, teasingly.
Bass huffed out a breath impatiently and shook his head, eyeing me with pained amusement. "I'm going to give you whatever it is you have in mind," he replied, "since that seems to be the only safe answer here."
I smirked and nodded, "You're a smarter man than you look," I teased and laughed at his affronted look, chuckling harder when his arms wrapped around my waist and lifted me off my feet, a low rumble of laughter echoing through his chest.
"Oh really?" he murmured against my ear, "and does everyone feel this way?" he asked as he pulled away, smirking down at me, his arms tight around my waist.
I grinned and wound my arms around his neck, "There is talk that your pretty face got you this far," I confided, giving him a look of false concern.
He shook his head in mock sorrow and his eyes sparkled with amusement, looking like two brilliant pieces of gemstone, warm with joy. "It's a good thing you don't have that problem," he whispered, laughing boisterously when I wriggled in his arms, slapping his chest and calling him an ass.
His fingers curled around my wrist and I allowed him to pull me back against his chest, watching as his face softened with affection and a touch of wariness. His free hand came up to brush against my cheek and he shook his head, his throat working hard for a moment.
"I've never meant to hurt you Becca. I love you so much it hurts. I don't want to keep doing this with you," he confided. I opened my mouth to speak and he shook his head, "Just-just let me finish," he whispered.
I nodded and he swallowed, "You could have anything you want, and you don't even know it. I'd burn down the Republic for you. It kills me to hurt you, and you don't even know what you do to me, the-the pain you wreak on every goddamn inch of me with just one look."
I shook my head and reached up to cup his cheek, my heart aching at his words, but he smiled softly at me and shook his head, "No baby, you don't get it, I love it. I love you, and I'll take whatever you dish out, because all I want is you."
My breath hiccoughed in my chest and my eyes watered as he spoke and I swallowed hard, fighting back the tears. Bass paused and smiled brighter, "Just promise you'll do what the doctors recommend, and I won't say word one about you doing what you want," he murmured.
A surprised laugh bubbled out of me and I nodded eagerly, wiping at my eyes, "Okay baby, okay," I whispered.
His arms were around me a moment later and I could feel relief in every line of his body, could feel his hands trembling at the small of my back and the shaky breaths that skated across my neck.
He really was afraid he would lose me.
I clutched him tighter, wordlessly trying to assure him of what was right between his hands.
"I'm right here."
AN: I was supposed to update other stories and then this chapter happened. I wanted to switch back to Becca's POV, and unexpectedly I found out that she's pissed. Because hey, Bass is treating her like glass, and that's just not what our girl needs. So more to follow, after some other updates in other stories. Thank you for reading, please, please review!