Timeline for Part 18:
This one sets entirely on the events of episode 11x19. It doesn't exactly have a lot of unseen scenes, only a few, but it does offer a lot of insight on what the characters were feeling/thinking, especially Amelia. She appeared to have a big change of heart this episode about the relationship with Owen and a lot of people think it was only because of the work thing, but IMO there was a lot more to it. It's all dissected right here. Let's go!
The Journey – Part EighteenAmelia finished hanging the set of films on the viewer, devotedly going over the images as she looked for any signs she might have missed while studying them on the computer just minutes before, frowning harder at the challenge in front of her. A severed spine was always a hard case.
Nothing about that day seemed to be working very well and Amelia had a bad feeling about it.
Earlier that morning, she had woken up before dawn with an unusual noise, only to find out that a maintenance water pressure switch Owen had performed on his day off had caused the sink pipe inside the trailer kitchen to leak during the entire evening. As result, Amelia had woken up to find most of the floor soaked in water, and that included the clothes they had stripped and left scattered all around.
Much to Amelia's dismay, they had to leave bed at an ungodly hour, Amelia's task was to make them coffee while Owen skillfully worked on the pipe. Nearly an hour later, already dressed in the clothes Owen had found in her hospital bag at the car, the neurosurgeon returned to her brother's home, only to find out not only was he still there, her sister in law was as well.
Amelia hadn't expected to bump into them and the surprise was immediately stamped on her face. Derek hadn't acted any differently from what Amelia had imagined, but it was obvious his wife noticed something was off. Before anything could be said about it, Owen had knocked on the door to return her forgotten cell phone, revealing to Meredith Amelia's whereabouts from the night before. The neurosurgeon didn't blame him for it, because she had specifically told Owen just a few minutes earlier that she didn't expect to find anyone at home since her brother had a plane to catch and her sister in law has an early surgery. Considering Meredith's late night at the hospital, Amelia had simply assumed she wouldn't have returned home late at night considering how early she would have to be there the following morning.
But she had been so distracted by Owen's jokes about the fact that she could simply walk up naked to the house that she failed to realize Meredith would probably want to see Derek before he left to D.C. that one last time.
Up until now, Amelia didn't have a problem with her brother finding out about her relationship with Owen. But she had always been reticent about Meredith's take on it.
Even though Amelia liked to believe her sister in law wished her well, she knew how close to Owen's ex wife Meredith had always been. Whenever she was helping out with the kids, it wasn't unusual that Meredith made a reference to Cristina, having once or twice before even included Owen in her comments.
And Amelia didn't want to find out about Owen's past relationships through Meredith.
What she and Owen were building was entirely theirs and Amelia didn't want an outside opinion on it. Meredith was her brother's wife and that automatically made her family. All her life, Amelia had felt like an outcast but now, for the first time, she actually thought she and Derek were treating each other as equals, in a healthy, positive fraternal bond. It meant more to her than she could ever explain to anyone. That sensation of belonging in her own family was relatively new and fragile. Amelia knew Derek and she could anticipate his feelings relatively well. But she didn't know Meredith all that much.
And Amelia didn't want her sister in law to feel like she was betraying her best friend by welcoming Owen into her family through another woman.
At the same time Owen was a grown man, free to do whatever he wanted, Amelia knew that relationships were more complicated than that. Now, she was finally living her life in harmony and she didn't want to antagonize anything or anyone. Her siblings had always pointed out the many ways in which she'd been a disappointment and that burden had been carried all her life. Amelia had moved away from Seattle to be rid of it, and she wouldn't let anything get in the way of that. It was her path to sobriety and she knew she had to stick on it.
Making sure that her relationship with Owen wasn't in any way going to create any animosity within her family and personal life definitely wasn't going to be easy. But Amelia was willing to try, because she really didn't want to sacrifice anything. Not right now. She was in a really good place in her life, feeling like she could potentially be the happiest she had ever been.
Those thoughts were still haunting Amelia when a sudden voice interrupted her study of the scans.
"Hey!" Meredith walked into the room, obviously with an agenda. "So, you and Owen?"
"Ahhh…" Amelia hesitated, defensively putting her hands inside her pockets. She expected the topic to be discussed, but she really hadn't imagined Meredith would bring it up so straightforwardly. Especially not at work. "Is there an end to that?" She sneakily fired back, dodging the question until she was sure what her sister in law was asking.
"I don't know, you tell me."
Something in Meredith's demanding tone of voice startled Amelia. Unlike her brother, who had teased and made fun of her while discovering about Owen, obviously happy about the relationship, Amelia's sister in law seemed weary of it, somewhat bothered even. Her stiff posture and badgering expression pretty much confirmed that Meredith somehow imagined she had any right to an explanation. The neurosurgeon had been thinking about the situation, unsure of what to expect. But the sudden realization that Meredith apparently wasn't offering any kind of support for the relationship, instead talking about it the same way she addressed her kids whenever they were up to no good hit Amelia harder than she would have liked.
"I don't know what to tell you." Amelia confessed, trying to keep a lighter mood. "Um, Owen and I are getting to know each other." She added, not really putting a label in the relationship on purpose.
"How well?" Meredith raised her eyebrows in questions. The way she had changed her tone of voice to a more playful one didn't fool Amelia, because by her sister in law's body language, she could tell Meredith wasn't enjoying the conversation either. "'Pants on' or 'pants off' well? Is it just sex, or is there something more?"
"Meredith, what is this?" Amelia shrugged, refusing to answer the question. It was none of her business, and she had no right to stand there expecting those answers like she was entitled to knowing any details. Especially not when Meredith seemed to be reprimanding her about it.
"I don't know, I am asking you." Meredith deflected.
"I don't know what we are yet." Amelia affirmed. Her feelings for Owen were still very confusing, and Amelia didn't know what to call them. She was sure they were intense, and reciprocated. But if anyone had any right to finding out what they were, it was Owen. Not Meredith.
"Okay, well, that's what I'm afraid of." Meredith said unemotionally. Amelia once again was caught off guard, unable to believe what was actually happening. Why was her sister in law talking about the situation like she had any right to an opinion about it? "Listen, Cristina asked me to watch out for him." She added. Amelia felt a tingling sensation running up through her spine. Deep down she'd already considered Meredith's antagonism to be a possibility, but she had refused to believe it, opting instead for giving the other woman the benefit of the doubt. Clearly, Amelia had build up wrong expectations. But what Meredith was saying felt like more. It wasn't only possessiveness about Owen in loyalty to her friend. It was like her sister in law actually believed Amelia would somehow be a negative influence on him. "I promised I would, so, I just want to make sure that…"
"That I don't ruin him?" Amelia interrupted her, acidly gazing at the other woman. She could feel a mix of anger and disappointment start to boil, hating herself for allowing to hope that for once, someone in her family would have her back, and actually believe she was a grown up capable of making good choices and dealing with their repercussions. Everyone else already seemed to think Amelia was a train wreck. Now the neurosurgeon knew Meredith was no exception. "Is that what you mean?"
"That you're careful." The woman replied, unaffected by Amelia's obvious displease. The neurosurgeon noticed how her sister in law completely disregarded how the conversation had bothered her, not even giving a second thought to ask how Amelia was feeling in face of everything.
Soon after, Meredith turned her back and left, indifferent to the fact that she'd just sent her husband's sister in an awful mood. Amelia took out some of her frustration on Stephanie Edwards, not allowing the resident to be a part of the case she had on that day, which later only made her feel more like she indeed caused more damage than good.
.
In the afternoon, Amelia's bad day became even worse when she found out Callie Torres had a complete opposite view on how to approach the golf player they were treating.
Marissa, a teenage girl had severely hurt her spine and was desperate to maintain her mobility. Callie had condemned the vertebrae bones, saying they were too unstable to hold a spinal fix and therefore could further increase the chances of a more serious lesion in the future. The ortho surgeon suggested a conservative approach, that would surely compromise the patient's ability to move her hips but at least would still allow her to walk. But Amelia knew the young girl wanted to resume playing golf more than anything. If she could hold the nerves to the sides of the broken bones through a finesse technique, there was a chance the girl could swing her hips again, being able to compete in the sport she loved so much. Amelia knew it was riskier but it looked doable and she was willing to try.
Convincing Callie proved to be an impossible task, but the heated conversation was quickly put to an end when Owen stepped in, solving the discussion after saying they should go with the neurosurgeon's approach.
Unconsciously, Amelia had been fighting the idea to limit range of motion. She wanted everything, in every aspect. The earlier discussion with Meredith had invariably served the purpose to remind her of how things sometimes progressed, spiraled out of control and she didn't even realize it until it was too late. It had happened before in her past several times and Amelia knew too well at what cost. An attempt to start over focusing on herself was the reason why she'd gone to Seattle in the first place. Her entire life had changed and in order to remain sane and avoid similar past experiences from happening again, Amelia needed to stick to her original project not to have any distractions.
But when her surgical plan went terribly wrong and she needed to call in Callie Torres to help salvage what little function they could preserve in the patient's spine, Amelia was suddenly assaulted with the awful sensation that perhaps, she had already let it happen once again. She had lost control. And her personal feelings had compromised her ability to perform at her job.
While slowly falling in love with Owen, Amelia had neglected to see how much that could affect their careers. He was her boss, after all. The things he made her feel were so blissfully captivating that perhaps Amelia had been in denial. She couldn't take her personal life to work and let it affect her performance. The earlier conversation with Meredith had triggered a lot of self-doubt about her personal worth in Amelia, and none of that would have happened if she hadn't been romantically involved with her boss in the first place. It wasn't fair to herself to have to go through that. Amelia had fought way too hard to ever feel insecure or unfit ever again.
Her stomach twisted in knots and Amelia felt sick. Marissa's mother's words echoed in her ears and guilt consumed her. Now that she thought about it, her feelings for Owen had taken control of her life the same way she'd allowed for pills to once dictate her rhythm. Being with him was so highly addictive that when confronted with the repercussions it could have, Amelia had gone into complete state of denial, leaning towards a riskier approach at work that she might not have in normal conditions only to prove to herself that this time it could be different. That the girl could have everything she desired. Amelia had taken the chances. And it hadn't worked.
But the only difference was that, this time around, Amelia wasn't the one to pay the price. It was a teenage girl who would never again play the sport she loved so much in a lifetime.
Amelia could feel her heart racing with anxiety while her hands felt shaky and unsteady. She couldn't believe she'd allowed her personal issues to get in the way of patient treatment. Her stellar career was one of the few things she'd never stained in her life before and holding onto that had always given her a sense of security and comfort whenever Amelia was at her lowest. But now, even that was compromised and she felt more exposed than ever.
"There you are!" Amelia heard the sound of a familiar voice and felt a shiver running up her spine, making her even more anxious and distressed. "How did the surgery go?" Owen asked.
"I can't do this."
Owen heard the unfamiliar tone in her voice and frowned, watching as the neurosurgeon went out of her way and into a supply closet.
"You okay?" He asked, wondering what could possibly be happening to make Amelia act so jumpy.
"No. No, I am not." Amelia scoffed, trying to control her emotions. She turned around, feeling anger add to her mix of emotions. "You shouldn't have weighed in. I wish you hadn't."
"Excuse me?" Owen asked, startled by her defensive attitude.
Amelia was going through a turmoil of confused thoughts and "what ifs" in her mind. Deep down, she was sure of one thing, though. If she hadn't been interrupted while discussing with Callie, maybe the two of them could have met at middle ground and came up with a plan that pleased them both. And maybe the surgical outcome wouldn't have been as bad as it was.
"You should have stayed out of it. My approach was inferior." Amelia took her hands to her head, fighting the imminent sensation of her lips starting to tremble. "And it cost my patient in… terrible ways."
"What are you talking about?" Owen frowned harder. His voice sounded more serious than he would have liked, but truth was, Amelia's reaction was catching him off guard. She seemed extremely mad at him and yet he had no idea why.
"Can you tell me honestly that you siding with me today was only about that patient? It had nothing to do with you and me?" She asked, visibly irritated.
Owen identified the distress in her voice and realized that the answer to his initial question was that the surgery hadn't gone too well. He knew surgeons hated bad outcomes. And talented, skillful surgeons like Amelia hated them even more.
"Your plan was smart and solid and more in line with what the patient wanted," he stated with conviction.
"But why were you there?" Amelia interrupted him, hating how she was losing her mind and he sounded so calm and controlled. Involuntarily, she stood on the tip of her toes, trying to level their heights and maybe also their insight into that awful situation. "Why…"
"That is why I suggested…" Owen kept talking, completely ignoring her interruption, as if he were talking to a child who was failing to see something obvious.
Amelia felt her anger boiling to an extreme.
"The only reason you even walked into that room was because you heard my voice and you wanted to check on me and see me, because of your personal feelings!" She raised her voice, ultimately making him shut up to hear her talk. In a calmer, contained tone, Amelia carried on, allowing all of her feelings to be confessed. "I know, because I would have done the same thing. Because we can't help it. We are hard-wired. Our brains change when we…" She trailed off, unwilling to admit what her heart already acknowledged. Too bad that realization had come in such an awful scenario, Amelia thought. Something so beautiful shouldn't have the power to cause that much damage and yet, that was all it did. It compromised her control and she couldn't afford to lose it ever again. "When we fall for another person, our neurological pathways get altered, and we make choices. We make decisions, whether we want to or not." She settled for saying, trying to sound as rational and detached as possible. Owen took a deep breath, trying to read where her sudden insecurity about their relationship was coming from while allowing her to go on with her speech. "This… This is why it is not smart to mix personal and professional."
"Amelia, this is not what happened." Owen assured her. He could see she clearly felt guilty for whatever surgical complication the patient had developed but regardless of what had happened, Owen had a clean conscience. He'd indeed been drawn into the room by her voice but he'd judged the situation based on what the two surgeons were proposing and ultimately decided for Amelia's approach, considering it proposed exactly what the patient wanted.
"I left my home. I left my job. I have been trying so hard to start over." Amelia heard her own shaky voice and desperately tried to regain control of her emotions. "I have been fighting so hard just to be taken seriously, to do this job well." She added, struggling to contain tears. Amelia had spent too much time having to prove her worth to the hospital and just as she thought she had, her drug addiction had been exposed, making everyone question her ability. For long weeks, Amelia had fought through that, ultimately proving to everyone including herself that she was more than capable of performing the job she had right now. And she wasn't willing to risk having that being compromised by the fact that she was dating her boss. She could already foresee people gossiping about it in the halls. Amelia couldn't bear it. Her professional reputation had always been intact and she wouldn't allow that to change. "That mom thinks I am a crappy doctor, who screwed her kid out of a future, and she is not wrong." It hurt Amelia more than she predicted to say that. If they'd gone with Callie's approach in the first place, Marissa wouldn't be at risk for permanent paralysis. "Because all of this could have been avoided, if I had just…" She sniffed, feeling her throat constricted. Gazing at the floor with determination, she swallowed the tears and slowly rebuilt a wall around her heart. "If we had just kept our professional lives professional, but we didn't." She finally looked up, meeting Owen's eyes.
The chief of surgery noticed how her voice had gone from emotional to completely cold, and how her previously distressed expression was now distant, almost empty of emotion as she looked around hesitatingly.
"It was a mistake." Amelia affirmed, finally meeting his eyes again. Owen felt the impact of the words, seeing in her eyes she meant more than just surgery. The blow hit him hard and unexpectedly, and Owen was just bouncing back from the impact whens she added with defiance. "This was a mistake."
Unconsciously, Amelia had been hoping for Owen to contradict her. Her own fear was testing him, desperately needing for him to say she was wrong, that the only mistake was being afraid of giving into a relationship that would only make them better and happier. That somehow, they could go around the fact he was her boss and make it work regardless of anything.
But when her gaze met his, Owen couldn't look past the anger and see the fear and heartbreak. All he could see were the cold blue eyes of a woman who had given him nothing but warmth and affection. And Owen couldn't recognize her anymore.
With a silent move, he walked away, unwilling to hear anything else that might add to the awful sensation building up in his stomach.
.
When Amelia arrived home that evening, her mood hadn't improved. She was feeling worse than she remembered feeling in a long while. It was like no matter where she was or what she did, her past would always haunt her and compromise her present.
For long, blissful weeks, Amelia had convinced herself that she was finally in a better place, but she failed to see just how much her relationship with Owen could cause repercussions in her life. Not only personally, but especially professionally.
During the short walk from the car to the house, Amelia noticed her cell phone was incessantly buzzing inside her pocket. She didn't need to look at the screen to figure out who it was, so she settled for silencing it while slowly making her way into the kitchen.
As she did, the neurosurgeon noticed her sister in law reading a book by one of the stools near the counter. It very late in the evening and Amelia supposed the children were already asleep. She knew Derek had left for D.C. earlier that same day. The uncomfortable silence and heavy atmosphere as she joined Meredith's presence couldn't be ignored, so after getting a snack from the fridge, Amelia turned around before leaving to her room.
Earlier that day, Meredith had made her feel cornered. At first, Amelia was so surprised with the way her sister in law acknowledged their relationship with Owen that she took a while to process the meaning of her words. But after spending most of her afternoon dwelling on it, Amelia had the clear notion that Meredith obviously considered she could be a bad influence on Owen. Everyone who knew him and could see he was a grown man, fully capable of looking out for himself. So for Meredith to express any sort of doubt regarding what Amelia might eventually cause to him hurt especially hard.
Amelia knew the way she had broken up with James right when she'd first arrived in the city hadn't been the very best impression on how she treated the men she got involved with, but that didn't give Meredith the right to put a label on her. She wasn't the inconsiderate monster her sister in law had made her feel. Which could only mean Meredith's opinion of her was based on more, probably stories about her past or depictions that she'd heard from others.
Feeling unfairly judged and unsupported, Amelia tried to keep a cool façade as she stared deeply into her sister in law's eyes:
"Look, I appreciate that you're looking out for Owen. I do, but what I do or who I see are, quite honestly, none of your business…"
"Wow. Okay." Amelia heard Meredith's reply and bravely sustained her gaze. "I was only trying to…"
"I moved here to starting something, to build a new life." Amelia interrupted her, surprised at how calmly she was able to say the words when she felt completely shattered on the inside. "You don't know me. Not really. You don't know where I've been or what I've had to overcome, because you never had to." Before Amelia could control it, memories of her son came to mind and her heart felt heavier. "You've never lost the love of your life. You have never cried over the body of the person you love most in this world." Amelia struggled to contain her emotions, knowing she didn't feel the least bit comfortable to share the details of those moments with a person who clearly wasn't that much interested in her well being or hadn't made the slightest effort to see things through her eyes. "You… You don't know how that messes a person up. You've never had to claw your way back from that." She affirmed, tipping her chin up with pride. She'd overcome too much to let someone, anyone, make her feel unworthy like that. "But I have. I'm still trying to pull myself together, and I am doing the very best that I can, so… Until you've done that, until you've had to walk in my shoes, I need you to cut me some slack. And back the hell off."
As Amelia finished saying the words, she turned around and left before giving Meredith the chance to say anything in return. The neurosurgeon really wasn't interested in hearing it, and she desperately needed to be alone.
After entering her room, Amelia locked the door behind her, finally allowing the load of emotions of that day to catch up with her. Even though she kept fighting the tears, they eventually came and Amelia braved them as toughly as she could.
Minutes later, when she was finally able to take a deep breath and concentrate her focus on her thoughts instead of her feelings again, her cell phone was still buzzing.
And Amelia kept ignoring it.
.
Owen paced back and forth inside his trailer, repeatedly going over the conversation he'd had with Amelia earlier that day in order to figure out what was going on.
Her sudden change of attitude regarding their relationship had surprised him. Even though she had blamed it on their professional status and the implications their romantic involvement could have on their careers, Owen knew there was probably more to it. Just the previous evening, Amelia had relaxed in his arms while they playfully discussed the TV show they had been watching together in bed. He couldn't link any of their previous events to the intensity of her reaction at work, making Owen wonder what exactly had happened in between to set her off like that.
He tried calling her several times, but when she failed to pick up, Owen finally settled for leaving a voice mail, hoping she would come around soon. He was really worried about her and wished Amelia would allow him to be there the way he hoped to.
Deep down, Owen supposed she needed time to figure out whatever she was dealing with, so he respected it and gave her space. From his trailer, he could see the lights turned on in her bedroom, but didn't make an attempt to go to her. Decided to speak to her the next time they met, the trauma surgeon went to bed soon after that, taking much longer than usual to finally fall asleep.
.
Owen woke up before the alarm the following morning and arrived at work earlier than most residents. He could tell he was being harsher than usual with his subordinates and tried to control his mood the best way he could, knowing he shouldn't take out his personal frustrations on other people.
Throughout most of the day, he kept busy with meetings and then scrubbing in on an ER case. Owen had tried to make time to go after Amelia, but in the few minutes he could spare, she'd been too busy to be interrupted. Finally, when it was already late afternoon, he saw her updating a patient's chart inside the ICU.
"Hey, can we talk?" Owen approached her, belatedly realizing he hadn't been subtle or gentle.
"Uh, actually, I was just…" Amelia turned around, aimlessly pointing elsewhere in a clear excuse to avoid the conversation.
"What's really going on?" Owen demanded with a serious tone. "I need you to tell me, because… You say one thing, and I think you mean something else entirely, and I want to understand. I am trying to." Owen confessed with a gentler voice, hoping she would open up to him like she'd done a few times before. He took a step in her direction, on purpose approaching her, hoping Amelia would also be done with the distance that had been keeping them apart since the previous day. "Because I want what we started here. I do. But I need a little help." Owen looked deeply into her eyes, knowing by her body language that Amelia was torn between talking to him and avoiding the subject again.
And just as she seemed to be leaning towards confessing her feelings, the station telephone rang, distracting them both.
"I don't think that this is really the place that we should be talking…" Amelia regained control of herself, immediately getting defensive again.
"Dr. Shepherd?" A nurse interrupted them. "You have a call on line four."
"I got to get that." Amelia looked at him and stepped away, knowing how clear it was that she was dodging the talk he wanted to have. She went over to the nurse and picked up the phone.
Owen kept gazing at her, deep down expecting Amelia to turn around and ask him to meet her later, or say she would call so they could have the conversation they needed to have. It felt a bit soon in the relationship for such problems to be coming up, but Owen didn't lose his motivation because of it. He knew Amelia had a troubled past and he could tell by her daily attitude that she was very careful to guard herself and her own feelings. He admired that about her and respected it. And he knew he had his own issues too, so he was the last person who could judge her. During the entire time she'd struggled with the exposure of her drug addiction, Amelia had carefully tried to keep a low profile while fighting her way back. He had noticed the way she treated everyone with respect and consideration, not just people who were close to her. So he doubted Amelia was being cold and distant on purpose. Maybe she just needed more time.
Still determined to hear from her, Owen watched as she silently picked up the phone the nurse had offered, not once looking back at him. He didn't know what the problem was, but he was determined to find out, because he really didn't want to change his view on that woman or give up what they'd started to build.
Telling himself he couldn't be wrong about his initial impressions about a woman yet once again, Owen retreated, positively thinking this was just a setback they could work through. Whatever it was, Amelia would eventually come to him and confess the real reason behind her excessive worry and sudden change of behavior. He'd understand her and they'd go back to living their lives the way they were doing just the day before.
But when the neurosurgeon passed the phone on to Meredith that afternoon, Owen wasn't there to witness the first event on the upcoming series of tragedies about to hit their lives, directly starting what would serve to ultimately contribute to the end of his relationship with Amelia.
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