Timeline for Part 20:

This chapters has only "unseen" scenes. It covers some ground of the two hour episode 11x22, in which they show the fallout of Derek's death. There is so much ground to explore and I think it's extremely relevant for Omelia's story to know what exactly happened to them, individually and together, right after Derek died.

The Journey – Part Twenty

The indistinct sound of conversations on the back distracted Owen as he put on a mask to cover his face while stepping into OR two.

"Do you know how much longer you're going to be?"

His voice sounded serious and formal as he asked, but his eyes were warm and filled with concern as Owen looked at the young neurosurgeon who looked completely immersed in the work she was doing.

"I don't know." Amelia replied evasively, not bothering to look at him.

Owen took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, trying to control his frustration with the situation. Three days before, they'd been hit with the shattering news that Derek had died. And ever since, he hadn't seen Amelia leave the hospital as she kept on pretty much covering her shifts and her brother's while overseeing the ER cases the entire time. The chief of surgery knew it was her way of avoiding dealing with what had happened but he supposed Amelia couldn't carry on that rhythm for much longer. At some point, she would have to slow down, go home and actually face the devastating loss.

After a few seconds of hesitation, Owen finally opened his mouth to say what he'd gone there to say.

"You're going to be late for the funeral."

The trauma surgeon patiently waited for her reaction, supposing that the obvious mention of what had happened would somehow affect Amelia and get her out of that numb state she'd drowned in. But not even the direct reference to Derek really being gone seemed to affect the woman.

Amelia hoped with all her energy that Owen would simply go and leave her alone. She didn't want to hear about her brother's funeral. The thought of facing her mother, sisters and brothers in law, and seeing the look of grief and sympathy on their faces gave her a nauseating wave of contempt. It would simply be better for everyone if she could stay at the hospital, helping people who could actually benefit from her presence.

"Derek is already dead." Amelia replied acidly. "He won't mind if I am late."

At the sound of her words, the entire surgical team brought up their eyes and the neurosurgeon noticed the alarmed look on their faces. Forcing a chuckle, she gazed at each one before finally focusing back on the field.

"Gee, I was only trying to light up the mood a bit." Amelia nervously bit her lip behind the mask. The last thing she wanted was to have people gossiping about her and her reaction behind her back. So Amelia knew she had to tone down the jokes before people started talking about it. Forcing herself to look at the man who still stood a few feet away from her, looking obviously concerned, she decided to do what was expected of her to avoid being at the spotlight. "I won't be long. I'll be there as soon as I'm done here."

"I'll wait for you." Owen said with a decisive tone, gazing at her with an expression that didn't leave room for denial.

"There is no need to, I can simply…"

"I wasn't asking." Owen informed her with authority and before she could refute, he stepped out of the OR, going to the adjoined scrub room in which she could see his presence.

Amelia let out a heavy sigh of frustration once she realized what he was doing. From where he was standing, Owen could not only oversee her work and therefore pressure her to take exactly her time and not drag the procedure on purpose, he also made sure she knew she couldn't escape so easily and make up an excuse to disappear.

One hour later, the neurosurgeon was fuming in frustration as she was pretty much forced to put on black clothes and be driven somewhere she really didn't wish to be.

Amelia really didn't care about funerals anymore. She'd been to so many that they simply didn't affect her as much as they seemed to affect other people. In her opinion, they were a complete waste of time. But if she didn't attend it, it would only raise questions and put more people on her back, so Amelia decided to cooperate.

As Owen drove through the streets, she remained determinate not to look at him. Amelia knew that by being her boss, Owen could at any point force her to step back from work and that was the last thing she wanted at that moment.

"You okay?" His voice sounded sweet and caring as he stopped at a red light. Amelia could feel his gaze on her back but she kept stubbornly gazing outside through her window. "How are you holding up?"

Owen waited for her reply but no words were spoken. He nodded his head in denial, trying to keep his patience. She was being more difficult than ever but he couldn't judge. Amelia was probably going through one of the worst moments in her life and the whole acting out was her way of dealing with it.

"I am going to take that as you letting me know you're too tired to even speak." Owen said with a decisive tone, knowing he was disguising a threat. "I think it's only wise if you cut back some OR hours and take some time to properly grieve your brother."

Amelia immediately picked up on what he was saying and felt a wave of wrath taking over her body. Turning around impatiently, she looked at him with fury in her eyes.

"Look, you can make me come here but you can't force me to talk, okay?" She informed him with an angry tone. "I don't want to talk, especially not to you." Amelia fired, being mean on purpose in the hopes he would be upset to the point of leaving her alone. "So back the hell off."

Owen stared into her eyes and with all serenity in the world.

"Okay."

The way he'd spoken the word, as if doubting everything she had just said drove Amelia mad with anger. Luckily for her, he was just parking the car in the cemetery, so she responded to his condescending manners by immediately jumping out of his truck and slamming the door behind her on purpose.

Owen knew she was hurting and the way she was trying to push him away by being nasty was so obvious that it was almost comedic. If the entire situation weren't so devastatingly painful, maybe he would find it in his heart to smile. But that wasn't the case. So he simply locked the car as if her tantrum hadn't happened and acted normally as he easily caught up with her.

Amelia knew she shouldn't be surprised when he stubbornly walked beside her, at a minimum distance. Owen looked very serious with his dark suit and tie and his properly shaved face. She felt and looked like a mess and it irritated her the fact that he was always so appropriate all the goddamn time.

Swallowing the mean words she wanted to say, Amelia forced her chin up and slowly identified the familiar faces that agglomerated around the gravesite. A man in dark clothes who had probably never even exchanged two words with her brother was giving a big, emotional speech and Amelia hated every single person she saw at that moment.

She hated their tears, their mundane and cliché responses, the way they would quietly whisper in each other's ears and say empty words of comfort that felt more like a rehearsed speech than anything genuine at all.

Some of those people were the same ones who'd antagonized Derek at the hospital several times before and yet they all stood there, acting like they had any right to grieve his death. Her lips pulled back in a thin line as Amelia scanned around her, meeting her mother's gaze across the yard.

The neurosurgeon quickly looked away and her reaction didn't go unnoticed to Owen. He stared at her, studying her expression, noticing how almost bored she looked with her arms crossed in front of her body, exhaling heavily every ten seconds.

"Amelia," Owen whispered, reaching out for her. He spotted her mother and three women standing behind her who looked so much like the neurosurgeon and Derek that Owen was sure could only be the duo's other siblings. "Your entire family is there, maybe you should go be with them?" He proposed, gently placing his open palm on the small of her back.

Amelia took a step to the side, rejecting his touch. After folding her arms in clear defiance to the entire thing, she twitched her nose and scoffed with pretend indifference.

"Look, your ex-wife is there too." She rolled her eyes with impatience. "Right over there with Meredith. Why don't you go be with them?" The neurosurgeon repeated his words on purpose.

Owen knew she was trying to make him lose his head in the hopes he'd leave her alone but he refused to cave. Minutes went by when they stayed immersed in silence, with only the words of the spokesman at a distance.

"This whole thing is a circus…"

Owen turned his head to the side, surprised at the nearly inaudible words Amelia had whispered. When she realized she had his attention, Amelia continued:

"Isn't it incredibly ironic that my mom, my sisters and I weren't allowed to say goodbye to my brother when we could have and yet now we're expected to be here?" She asked with a shadow of pain, anger and hurt in her sarcastic tone. Owen noticed how tightened her eyes were as she discreetly sneered, directly gazing at Meredith. "I was only at a phone call distance but I was robbed from the possibility of saying goodbye." Amelia declared with wrath. "But now I have to do it. Because today is the day someone else set this whole thing allowing me to do it." She paused, drowning in controlled anger, resenting the facts she was exposing. "I couldn't do it before. It wasn't convenient for her. But now I have to. Because someone else decided for me that this is how I should grieve my brother."

Owen noticed her eyes staring at her sister in law as she slowly spoke the words, clearly containing the fury in them for the sake of not making a scene. It was then that Owen realized how angry Amelia was feeling, and with every right to. It made sense now where all that anger and even some rebelliousness were coming from. It really wasn't fair the way things had been handled, and how Meredith had acted like she was the only one entitled to deciding anything about Derek. Especially when she'd been with him long enough to know how close he felt to his family and how they would have liked to participate in the process once it became clear decisions had to be made about his health status.

Derek had died from a brain injury and his own sister who was a neurosurgeon and lived at a few minutes away had only been informed after he'd been hooked out of the machines. Nothing about that was fair.

He was just thinking of what to say to comfort her when Amelia's voice broke the silence, again in a whisper.

"You know, she robbed me of the choice to say goodbye to him while he was still alive and now I am being forced to do it when he's dead." Amelia finally turned her head in Owen's direction and looked deeply into his eyes. "And I wish I hadn't come."

"You don't really mean that." Owen whispered back gently. "You'd look back to this moment in a few months or years and you'd regret not coming."

"No, I wouldn't." Amelia affirmed with conviction. She paused momentarily before explaining herself. "Goodbyes are just not my thing, Owen…" Amelia nodded her head in denial almost imperceptibly. "You know, I've come to find out that it's actually easier this way." She added and Owen noticed the expressionless movement of her silver blue eyes. "It's what happens in real life. Goodbyes are for movies," she added with contempt, "because in real life, people die or leave or get killed… You wake up one morning and the people you loved simply aren't there anymore." As she spoke the words, Owen saw through her seemingly unaffected ways and wondered how much exactly Amelia had gone through in her life already. She was still too young to have such a hard lived opinion on things and yet it was obvious in her speech she had been through enough to have created a thicker skin in order to survive. "That's the way to go. Nice and easy."

Owen remained in silence, processing the meaning of her words. He felt an addition of sympathy and urged to touch her, but he'd already seen what'd happened the last time he'd tried.

"Nothing about this is nice and easy." He replied, in a firm but gentle tone. Amelia couldn't keep acting like her brother's death was no big deal because at some point, it would all catch up with her and he knew it.

"Yeah." Amelia finally agreed with him. "For most people I guess it isn't." She suggestively looked around, pretty much implying that she agreed with him when it came to others but not to herself.

Owen took a deep breath and realized that once again he was out of words. Opting to remain in silence and show his support by simply being there, the trauma surgeon put his hands in his pants pockets and heard the rest of the speech about Derek, trying to process the fact that his friend was gone for good.

.

Right after the funeral, a service was held in Meredith's house and from a distance, Owen kept his eyes on Amelia, noticing the way her mother and sisters talked amongst themselves, at times including her in the conversation. All the while, the neurosurgeon seemed determinate not to cooperate with the dialogue, looking every bit as if she really didn't want to be there. A lot of people were taking the opportunity to talk about Derek and share stories about him, but Owen couldn't focus enough to have a two minute conversation, so he settled for standing in a corner, holding a forgotten glass of whisky in his hand while he observed the room around him.

"Hey."

Owen heard the familiar voice and turned his head, seeing a discreet grin on the face of his ex-wife.

"Hi," He returned her halfhearted smile and raised his glass to his lips, taking a sip of the burning amber liquid in the hopes it would distract him from Amelia's demeanor. "It's good to see you made it in such short notice." Owen commented, realizing by the look on her face that Cristina was doing well. "How have you been?"

"Good," Cristina nodded and studied his expression. "You?"

Owen shrugged with indifference and looked away, spotting Meredith sitting alone on the living room couch.

"How is she doing?" He asked, concerned. His attention had been mostly on Amelia lately, so Owen didn't really know much about how exactly Meredith was coping. And he didn't feel at all guilty about it. Derek's widow had Alex, Webber, Maggie and now even Cristina while his youngest sister had barely any support system. But regardless of that, no one's wellbeing mattered to him more than Amelia's at that moment.

"Exactly like that." Cristina replied with a conformed face, studying her friend's desolated expression from the same point of view as Owen.

"How long are you staying?" Owen asked without really paying much attention. Once again he brought the glass of whisky to his lips and took a sip to hide the fact that his gaze went back to Amelia as he noticed her worked up expression getting heavier by the second as her mother heatedly spoke to her, apparently insisting on something. Their voices were slowly raising amongst the crowd and the conversation had apparently become a discussion.

"A couple of days." Cristina replied with her eyes still fixated on Meredith. "I'll make sure she…"

The thoracic surgeon's words were interrupted when, by one corner, Amelia's voice shouted out loud at the same time she pulled her hand from her mother's grasp. Owen had been watching the scene from a distance, but as the young woman's rampant words broke the sullen silence in the room, all eyes were suddenly on her.

The minute she felt the heavy gazes in her direction, Amelia quit talking. She kept on proudly staring at everyone, but Owen couldn't be fooled. He knew her too well and could see she was mortified. As people slowly diverted their attention and went back to their private conversations, the murmurs in the room filled the air again.

"Excuse me," Owen cleared his throat and placed his glass on the coffee table, leaning forward to give his ex-wife a chaste hug before looking into her eyes. "It was good seeing you." He distractedly added before nodding his head, clearly ending the brief conversation.

Cristina went back to Meredith's presence while he made his way across the room, catching up with Amelia before she could leave through the back door.

Owen noticed the way she was pacing back and forth, as if struggling to control her temper. Amelia looked livid, at some point even offended. After the scene he'd just witnessed, Owen knew it definitely had something to do with her family.

"What is it?" He asked leaning on the corridor wall, watching as she had a hard time staying still.

Amelia looked at him and the floor again, biting her lower lip. Owen noticed as she hesitated before finally deciding to talk.

"My mother is insisting that I go back to New York with her." The neurosurgeon explained, apparently dreading the idea.

"What did she say?" Owen asked carefully, thinking back about how Amelia had shouted a loud no before pulling her hand from her mother's just a few minutes before.

"She thinks I'm five years old and can't take care of myself." The neurosurgeon explained, rolling her eyes.

Owen pondered about the idea. Perhaps it wasn't such a bad suggestion, after all. In New York, he knew Amelia would have her mother and sisters close by, and he figured it was probably better for her to get through the loss all the while maintaining her sobriety if she had a strong support system. But at the same time, the idea to see her go devastated him because Owen knew that if she went, it was likely they'd never see each other again.

"What about your friends in Los Angeles?" He asked with interest. A few times before he'd heard Amelia talking about them and it had become clear how close to them she felt. Amelia had lived in the city once, she clearly felt comfortable there. And Los Angeles was much closer than New York.

"Addison called three times just this morning." Amelia admitted with a broken voice. Derek's ex-wife couldn't make it to the funeral but she was checking up on her friend all the time, all the while insisting that the neurosurgeon considered moving back to LA.

But Amelia knew she couldn't. It would feel like taking a step back in life and there was only one direction she would go: Forward.

"You know you don't have to do anything you don't want to, right?" Owen forced eye contact with her, watching as she sheepishly agreed with a head nod as her lower lip trembled. If Amelia decided to move, he wasn't going to try to convince her otherwise, but if she chose to stay, he was going to make sure she had all the support she needed. "Whatever you decide to do."

Amelia had been silently staring at her shoes, but the meaning of his words transformed some of her anger into humbling gratitude. Somehow, she managed to meet his eyes despite her resolve not to cry.

"Yeah…" Her voice sounded more hoarse than she had planned.

Amelia knew she'd just let her guard down and how exactly dangerous that could be. Seeing her mother and sisters had deeply messed with her because the young surgeon was once again reminded of how no one in that family took her seriously. Carolyn Shepherd kept trying to convince her daughter to go back home and move in with her while her three sisters nodded in agreement to their mother, looking at the youngest sibling as if she was a ticking bomb ready to explode at any minute.

"People don't really know how to grieve in my family." Amelia offered some insight. She chuckled with refusal when she realized how ironic her sentence sounded, considering she could be included in it. When her father had died years before, her family's way of coping had mostly been ignoring the subject. Amelia wasn't sure she could go back to New York and rebuild her life there having to look at her mom and sisters in the eye without being able to talk about Derek. "Besides, I can't go." She stiffed up her lip and look at him with renewed pride, once again wearing her mask of self-protection. "I signed a contract with you. I can't just leave my job."

"Amelia, if you want to go, I can…"

"I gave you my word, so I am going to keep it." Amelia interrupted him, noticing Owen was about to offer her a way out. "I have patients, I have work to do. I can't go." She spoke decisively. "I don't want to go." She enforced, making sure the matter was settled.

"Okay, then." Owen stared at her with sympathy in his eyes, nodding gently.

He wondered how things were going to be from there on, hoping with all his heart that this slight display of emotion would stimulate Amelia to open up and finally allow herself to feel what she needed to feel.

But as days followed, he realized how wrong he was.

Everything around him seemed to be falling apart and Owen had no idea how to keep things from crumbling. His surgical service was still running smoothly, but he felt his attendings unmotivated and restless. Everyone just seemed miserable and hopeless, and understandably so.

Amelia was still avoiding him at every chance she could. A few times at night, Owen had stayed up late at his trailer hoping she would return home so he could check up on her, but the neurosurgeon would often sleep at the hospital, even when she wasn't on call. He wasn't sure how exactly she and Meredith were managing at the house and with the kids until one day, a couple of weeks after the funeral, he was caught off guard with the news that Derek's widow had taken the kids and left.

Soon enough, Owen joined Callie, Maggie and Alex at the house, watching as the three surgeons discussed what could possibly have happened to make Meredith decide to leave so randomly, but he was barely paying attention to the conversation. Instead, he had his eyes focused on Amelia and the look of boredom on her face as the other doctors expressed their concern.

Amelia distanced herself from the group, wondering why they even bothered to try to understand Meredith's actions when Richard Webber approached her, kindly offering to take her to a meeting that day. Amelia was aware she had been neglecting that important part of her treatment lately but she supposed that while she kept busy with work, she wouldn't have to worry about a relapse.

As everyone else got more worked up about Meredith's sudden disappearance, Amelia distracted herself with a glass of water. Her sister in law had left a note affirming she was okay so Amelia wasn't really worried. Not that the neurosurgeon felt a lot of things lately, anyway. It was more practical to stay on the sidelines and watch as everyone gave room to their concerns because the less involved she got, the better it was for her on the long run.

And there was also the fact Meredith had simply taken the kids and vanished without even bothering to tell Amelia first. They lived together and the neurosurgeon was there every day helping with the kids, getting them prepped to school and making sure they had someone to talk to about their dad in those dark days that followed his death. At five years old, Amelia had lost her dad too so she could relate to the situation completely, especially in regards to Zola. Back then, no one had explained anything to her, all the adults had simply ignored the fact and gone on as if nothing in the world had changed. Their decision had slowly made Amelia's world crumble because as a kid, she'd never been able to figure out why her dad was there one day and then suddenly wasn't. That had given her insecurity and then anxiety. And the last thing she wanted was for her niece and nephew to go through the same. So Amelia had made sure to let them talk about Derek and ask for him as much as they wanted in order for them to grieve their immense loss.

But now they too had been taken away for her too so Amelia wasn't much inclined to worry about Meredith at that moment.

As he sat on the couch, Owen figured out he also wasn't paying much attention to the conversation around him. Instead, he was trying to make sense of Amelia. The way she had physically distanced herself from the group perfectly exemplified her behavior in the past few weeks.

The unknown side of Amelia filled Owen's heart with sadness and once again he felt powerless. The woman he'd fallen in love with was warm, affectionate and generally selfless. He could recall the many times Amelia had considerately put other people's feelings above her own, even when she shouldn't have to. He'd watched her and come to know her, so deep down Owen knew the way she was acting was just a bad response to the horrifying reality they were in. But it didn't mean it hurt any less.

Her eyes that were usually overflowing with warmth and liveliness now would always look distant and cold. The previously caring words she would reserve for him had been replaced by a sullen silence that only increased the emptiness in which Amelia had put herself in. Owen watched as every day she drowned further in it, hating that he was so helpless when it came to pulling her back from there, despite his constant attempts.

All he'd been trying to do since Derek's death was talk to her, but Amelia refused to make time for him. She ignored his calls, avoided his presence and only spoke to him about strictly professional subjects. Owen understood the pain she was in, but he was a person with feelings of his own too, and at some point, there would only be so much he could tolerate. Watching her repeatedly ignore him hurt on him too, because all he wished was to be there for her.

That evening, after Webber and Bailey left, it didn't take long for Callie, Alex and Maggie to follow, leaving Owen alone in the house with Amelia for the first time in a long time.

He'd stayed behind on purpose, hoping for one last attempt at talking to her and actually succeeding at getting through to her somehow. This time, Amelia couldn't turn her back on him with some lame work excuse or hide in a busy OR to pass her time. And judging by the way she was getting more restless by the second, it seemed like she'd just reached the same conclusion.

"It's good to see you've finally come home." Owen started the conversation, slowly getting up from the couch but keeping his distance. "I honestly have not been able to keep track of how many nights you've spent at the hospital lately."

"Well, I am filling in for my brother." Amelia defensively replied. "We're one attending short in the department so it's to be expected that as the one in charge I am taking his shifts."

"Amelia," Owen tried to be careful with his words. "You know you can hire someone. Or I can do it for you," he suggested, supposing it would be hard for her to interview people who might take her brother's position. "HR has already approved my request for a new attending."

"It's too soon." The neurosurgeon turned her back on him and opened the fridge, aimlessly avoiding Owen's gaze. "We can manage for now, don't worry."

Owen breathed out through his nose and ran his fingers through his hair, trying to come up with what to say.

"Have you been in contact with your mom?" He asked with worry, hoping that since she wasn't talking to him, that she at least was leaning on her own family for comfort. After all, they'd just gone through the same loss and probably could relate a lot better to her predicament. "Your sisters, anyone?"

"I am okay, Owen." Amelia grabbed an apple from the fridge and turned around with a decisive posture, hoping he would back off. Truth was, her mother, sisters and even Addison were calling several times a day. But Amelia mostly chose not to answer them. "And yes, I have been in touch with them."

"Is your mom still insisting on having you move there?" He asked, trying to hide how interested in the answer he was.

"Yes." Amelia replied with honesty, not giving any more details. Her mother would often call and insist her youngest daughter went there to spend at least some time with the family, but that was the last thing Amelia planned on doing. Over there, she knew her mom and sisters would constantly be on her back, pretty much in the same way Owen was right now. And Amelia simply couldn't handle it at the moment. "You know, I don't know how to say this, so I think I better just say it… I would really appreciate it if you could give me some space." She added with a serious tone.

Owen swallowed hard, taking in another blow. That little dance they were doing was getting a bit exhausting and he couldn't help but feel like he was at a serious risk to maybe join her in that numbing emptiness if he didn't properly watch out for himself.

Work didn't excite him anymore and the once comfortable atmosphere at the hospital had transformed into a painful experience during the daily hours Owen spent there. All he wanted was to feel useful and have some purpose in life. A few months before, he'd felt as lost and confused as he did today, but slowly he'd regained control of his life. In parallel to that, he'd met Amelia and she'd added a whole new meaning to his routine. During all the time he spent with her, Owen had felt energized, challenged and absolutely hopeful for better days.

But now, as he watched that fragile reality slowly slipping through his fingers, it was hard to maintain some kind of expectancy for a happy future. Especially when his past and present did nothing but fire a new blow day after day.

"Amelia, you know you can't keep doing this for much longer." Owen tried to be as gentle as possible when he warned her. Soon enough, she would drive herself to exhaustion and that could backfire. Amelia could potentially compromise patient care if she operated or made any medical decisions while working too many hours, or even reach a point when her mind wouldn't take it anymore, falling at risk for a relapse. "At some point, you are going to have to deal with what happened."

"Don't… Really, Owen… Spare me of the talk. I told you I'm fine." She shook her head in denial, rejecting his concern and Owen kept studying her, noticing her face transforming as her impatience turned into anger. "You know, I am sick and tired of everyone running around, talking to me like they know better, but guess what?" She took a step in his direction, so blinded by pain that she couldn't see how much she was hurting him by speaking like that. "I've done this before, I don't need your lectures or that cheap talk about how I need to deal with what happened." She repeated his words with sarcasm, obviously turning down the idea. "I don't have to stand here and listen to all this crap about how I should feel, or what I should do, or who I should call…" She fired, getting more worked up by the second. A lifetime of frustration caught up with her and Amelia couldn't take it any longer. "No matter what I do, or how I pull myself back together, in the eyes of you people it's never going to be enough anyway, so just cut the crap and save your precious little speech for someone who is actually interested in hearing it."

As she spoke the words, Amelia once again turned her back on him, too angry to put up with his comprehensive face any longer. All her life, her family had judged her for the way she'd reacted to every situation. When her father had died, they made the decision of how she should deal with it, and chose to obliterate the event rather than talk about it. Later on, as things got progressively worse until Amelia finally resorted to taking drugs, they'd repeatedly made her feel weak and unworthy for it. Over the years, she'd finally come to master the Shepherd's way of dealing with things by simply burying them and pretending they weren't there. So she definitely wasn't going to just stand in that room and hear all about how she was wrong this time around too. Because it felt like no matter what she did, to the people she loved, she was never going to be enough.

Taking it from her family was already hard enough. Hearing it from Owen, of all people, felt even worse. Because before he'd never tried to change anything about her or made her feel judged for being exactly who she was. And even though they weren't together anymore, Amelia secretly hoped that in his eyes, what he thought about her wouldn't change.

"Okay." Owen replied with a serious tone. Amelia noticed his clenched jaw and the way his fist was slightly tense, giving away how hurt he must have been feeling at her angry outburst. But at that moment, all Amelia cared about was distancing herself from him because she knew that if Owen kept insisting, at some point his stubbornness would win her over and she was at serious risk for actually coming to rely on him again. "You clearly know where you stand."

"Yes."

"Good." Owen finally decided to drop the matter and picked up his jacket with every intention to leave.

Amelia watched as his previously warm, worried look transformed into a scowl of indifference. He was just approaching the door when she felt compelled to add.

"I… I really appreciate it that you're concerned about me." The neurosurgeon spoke, hating that they were parting in bad terms.

"Yeah," Owen replied with sarcasm, thinking of how she'd just reject his support seconds before. "But you don't really need it, do you?"

"I really don't." Amelia answered, feeling her heart shattering in a thousand pieces. She put on her coldest look and heard how impersonal her voice sounded as she spoke the words. "Maybe I should for once listen to my mother and go back to New York." Amelia said, more to defy him and make sure he moved on with his life to be free from her than because she really planned on going. The neurosurgeon put her chin up as she proudly added with a mask of indifference, "there is nothing for me here, anyway."

Owen felt the weight of the words and gave her one last look of disapproval before disappearing into the night as he made his way to his trailer. Amelia had just given him reason to believe she really preferred he stayed out of her life in every possible way. And after that evening, that was exactly what he was going to do.

"I guess there really isn't."

.

That evening, Amelia sat on the windowsill of her room, pondering as a million thoughts ran through her head.

The sky outside was as dark and cloudy as her life at that moment. The lights inside Owen's trailer were turned off and Amelia couldn't help wondering if after that nightmare of a day, he had gone to bed already.

Little did she know that at that exact moment, Owen was running into a friend at the bar near the hospital where he'd gone to drink as many beers as it took to clear his head. And as Owen heard more about the humanitarian work the ex Ranger had been doing in the field with the US Army, the more interested he got into embarking on an entirely different perspective.

During the following days, the more Owen thought about it, the more the idea seduced him. Had his friend told him about this tour before, he wouldn't even have considered it because of Amelia. But now, after she'd made it obvious she had no interest in having him in her life and had even said she planned to go back to New York, there really wasn't any reason why he shouldn't go.

Owen could use feeling helpful and needed. He was so busy trying to take care of everyone else around him that the trauma surgeon failed to see he was also grieving and reacting to it. And at that moment, saying yes to that opportunity felt like the only thing that could give him some purpose again.

In the course of a week, Owen reenlisted in the Army, this time signing up for a USAID team who coordinated both civilian and military personnel by taking medical services to areas where healthcare was precarious or unavailable. It didn't take a lot of convincing for April Kepner to join him and things progressed so fast that Owen barely had any time to catch up with the pace of change.

Ever since Derek had died, board meetings were on hold, so it wasn't hard for Owen to hand over his position to Richard Webber, who would be taking over as interim chief in his absence. On the day of his deployment, the trauma surgeon finished storing all his personal belongings inside the trailer while packing.

As Owen zipped his transport bag, he took one last look around, checking if he hadn't missed anything. He was leaving a lot of memories behind and it was sad how at that moment it gave him more a sense of relief than actually nostalgia.

But as his eyes scanned the room, a small photograph inside his nightstand book caught his attention and Owen went back for it, safely placing it with the few items he was taking.

.

"You please sign here, and here," A short, middle aged secretary instructed Owen as he finished filling in the paperwork that would officially release him of his contract with Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital for the following months. "Alright, that's everything, you're good to go." The woman added with a smile, thinking how admirable it was that the chief of surgery was letting go of his prestigious position to join the Army for a noble cause.

"Thank you." Owen replied with a discreet nod. Just as the woman was exiting the room, he cleared his throat in an attempt to catch her attention. "Could you please get Dr. Amelia Shepherd in here? I need her to look over some paperwork before I go."

The woman happily obliged and Owen took a seat on his desk for what he knew would be the last time. At least for a while.

He had lied to the hospital employee. There really wasn't any paperwork to be filled or signed on by Amelia. Maybe soon there would, when she resigned to go back home. Ever since the conversation in Derek's house the night Meredith had disappeared, Owen hadn't talked to her again and even though he'd decided to give her the space she had requested, it hurt to think that this was probably the last time he was ever going to see her.

In a few, Owen would be getting on an airplane to the Middle East, where he would stay for at least three months. By the time he was back, it was very likely Amelia had already left to New York and he simply couldn't deal with the fact this really was goodbye.

For the following hour, Owen sat and waited. His heart felt constricted inside his chest as memories assaulted him. This was one of the hardest decisions he'd ever made, but after weeks of walking around in circles, he knew that the time had come for him to look after himself.

A knock on his door distracted his thoughts, and his heart skipped a beat when Owen's expectation to see Amelia grew. But as Richard Webber walked in, a look of disappointment was visible on the trauma surgeon's face.

"Sad to be leaving?" The older man asked with a sympathetic tone. Richard was going back to the office that had been his for many years, and even though he hadn't planned to be chief ever again, he'd agreed to do it because Owen Hunt really deserved that break.

"Not really." Owen looked around, exhaling slowly. It was almost time to go, but he was still hopeful Amelia would come upstairs before he had to leave. "Is everything good? Do you need anything?"

Just the day before, Owen had had a meeting with Richard to get the man up to speed on each department's most latent topics. Since Webber was so experienced with the position, it didn't take him more than a couple of hours to be all caught up with everything.

"Don't worry about it." Richard answered with a knowing smile. "Just leave everything that's here in here, and focus on the work you're about to be a part of. That's all you have to do." The oldest man advised with wisdom.

Owen nodded in agreement and checked his clock again. If he didn't leave now, he was going to be late.

"Thank you for doing this, Richard." He slowly got up from the chair, watching as the new chief did the same. Owen extended his hand and shook the guy's with firm determination. "I really appreciate it."

"No," Richard kept his serene tone. "It's me that has to be grateful. Thank you for your service."

Owen nodded affirmatively and awkwardly looked away, gathering his bag on shoulder and his army combat cap in between his hands before turning around to leave.

"Hey, Richard… Hm… Can you do me a favor while I'm gone?" Owen bravely asked, facing the other man straight in the eyes. Seeing as he nodded affirmatively, the trauma surgeon asked, "will you keep an eye on Amelia for me?"

"Sure." Richard smiled, not at all surprised with the request. "I'll make sure she goes to meetings and take proper care of herself."

"Thanks." Owen grinned discreetly. "I appreciate you doing it… You know, at least until she leaves I think it would be good if she…"

Richard's frown never got to be converted into a question as to where exactly Amelia was leaving to, because at that moment, Owen's phone buzzed and he realized it was past time to go, so the army surgeon made his way outside the office without another word.

Just as Owen took the first corner, he spotted Amelia sitting in one of the radiology rooms, carefully studying an MRI exposed on the screen. He noticed the way her smart eyes examined each detail on the image and felt a sudden urge to go to her, drop his bag, close the door to that room and take her in his arms to never let go.

But Owen had already been reminded that this wasn't a fairy tale where the story finished with a happy ending. This was very much real life, and he wasn't going to steal the girl and win her back. He was going to a dangerous zone, where his presence was actually needed. And Amelia would move on with her life, hopefully finding a way to be happy on her own.

Maybe this was for the best, Owen thought as he adjusted the strap of his bag on his back and put on his cap. If he said goodbye to Amelia, it would only make it harder for him to go. And it was already hard enough.

With one last look, he tried to memorize every tiny bit of her face in his mind, before finally leaving for his newest mission.

.

Five minutes later, Amelia knocked on the door to the chief's office.

"Oh, hi." She frowned in confusion as she saw Richard Webber occupying Owen's seat behind the desk. "I'm sorry, Chief Hunt requested me here a while ago but this MVC arrived in the ER and I was looking through his scans, so I…"

"It's okay," Richard took off his glasses and studied the young woman with a look of consternation on his face. "It wasn't anything important. He already told me everything I needed to know. You can go back to work."

"What… What do you…?" The neurosurgeon struggled with her words in obvious confusion. Why was Richard even there? "Did you have a meeting with him too?" She asked, looking from Richard to the door as if Owen would be entering it at any moment.

Webber looked at her, quickly picking up on the situation. In a fraction of a second, his face went from confused to compassionate.

"Oh my, you don't know."

Amelia noticed how the man affirmed and not really asked.

"Know what?" She looked to Richard and then to room around them, as if looking for answers. "What's going on, Richard? Where is Owen?"

"Amelia, Owen isn't here. He left."

"What do you mean, he left?" Amelia forced a chuckle in response. "When is he coming back?" She tried to input a casual mood in her voice when in reality she was getting more alarmed by the second as she noticed Richard's expression. "He just asked me to meet him here, I think he was…"

"I'm afraid I don't know." Richard looked the woman deeply in the eyes and felt awful to be the one giving the news. "Amelia, I am sorry he didn't tell you."

"Tell me what?" She asked a little aggressively, too scared and anxious by Richard's compassionate expression.

But then the man's entire face became impartial and Amelia recognized the look. It was the same professional look of a doctor who was far too used to telling people things they didn't want to hear. And even though in Richard's face Amelia saw the bad news coming, never had she imagined how it would feel like a stab in the heart when she finally heard the words.

"Owen rejoined the army, Amelia. I am sorry. I don't know when he is coming back."

And even after feeling the impact of the news tearing her apart and destroying every bit of life Amelia still had left, she struggled to keep her composure. After saying thanks to Richard for the information, Amelia got up, feeling as emotionally numbed as when she'd nearly overdosed back in the day.

The neurosurgeon had to gather all the will power to make it through the rest of the afternoon. She thought about the way she'd treated Owen the last time they'd been together and unsuccessfully tried to quit thinking about the many what ifs that now ran through her mind.

What if she had gathered the courage to let him in? What if she hadn't treated him in such a horrible way the last time they'd met? What if she had bothered to ask how he was feeling too?

Maybe then Owen wouldn't have joined the army again. Maybe he wouldn't have left. Maybe his life wouldn't be at risk.

And maybe right now Amelia wouldn't have to be asking herself, what if Owen never came back at all?

—