A/N: Hey, sorry it took so long for me to update. Holidays are crazy, you know? Plus, I needed to find the right things for Kris to say and I did some research on things people from Brooklyn say for Lana. Lol (Pathetic, I know). But I wanted to make this as realistic as possible! Oh, and just remember that there are lots of really bad words in this. Lol And it's all a joke and I absolutely love both Kristin and Lana and Regina and Maleficent and Pam, as well. I don't think these things about any of them and I'm sure they don't either. This was just for fun as shooting that day was and also for the actors to get into character. Please, no hate. I really hope you enjoy this...and if I get some good reviews….maybe I'll add a third chapter, just 'cause. Maybe it'll be about the day after or the day they had the wrap party and watched this clip on the bloopers. Haha! Thanks for reading. MWAH!
"Hey, Ladies."
"Hey, Ralph." Merrin, Victoria, Kristin, and Lana all said in unison as the director arrived on set at Granny's Diner.
"I think what we got of Lana outside was good from the last shoot. I kinda just wanna focus on what's going on in here between the four of you." The girls all nodded as he spoke. "Uh...we can start from the top where Regina walks in and the three of you are sitting over there. I, uh...I want you all to look at her like you might've just been caught doing something you shouldn't be, but you don't really give a fuck." Lana and Victoria laughed as Merr and Kris agreed.
"I like that." Merrin stated. "Like, 'bitch, what are you doing here?'"
"Yeah, like an 'oh great...it's her." Kristin added.
"Yeah, yeah. Exactly." Ralph replied. "And like, 'we'll kill you if we have to' kind of thing. I think we're gonna start with the shot on the three, uh, three mischievous ladies, then Lana we'll do your close up after."
"Yeah, okay." Victoria answered, fluffing her Cruella fur.
"So...places!" Ralph yelled and Kris, Merr, and Vic sat in the booth while Lana went outside, waiting for her cue to enter the diner. "Ready, and...action! The first camera angle landed on Cruella, Ursula, and Maleficent. Lana stepped inside like she owned the place and all were in character.
After a few shots and closeups on Kris, Merr, and Vic, Ralph complimented the ladies on their performances and then had the cameramen set up for Lana's entrance. He told her to walk in as if she were at the wedding in the 'Pilot' episode and look around as if she were expecting the diner to be in ruins. She did so and after a couple different takes, he decided they were great and it was time for the real action to begin. The tete-a-tete between Maleficent and Regina.
"I want in." Lana stated one of her lines in the middle of the conversation.
"Cut!" Ralph, interrupted and got out of his chair, rubbing his chin.
Lana awkwardly shrugged her shoulders, biting her bottom lip and Kristin looked to Ralph. "I'm sorry." Parrilla said.
"No, no. It's not you." Ralph rubbed the bridge of his nose. "You're both doing a great job, it's just….it's too…" He made a gesture with his hand. "It's too nice. I just...I need more. More, uh…."
"More bitchy?" Kristin wondered, with a smirk.
"Yeah, well not just more bitchy, I kind of...I wanna feel a sort of tension between you two. Like…"
"Like sexual tension?" Lana laughed and Vic and Merr chuckled from the booth.
"Well, not really. Kind of...like a, a, a violent tension. Like, one of you could just start choking the other and it wouldn't be a surprise." Hemecker suggested.
"Oh." Merrin exclaimed in the background.
It took Ralph a moment to think about what might motivate them and then it hit him….They're actors! "Rolling!" He said to the cameramen. "I've got an idea." The camera operator obeyed and Ralph looked to Kris and Lana. "Okay, what I want you to do is just go at it."
"Go at it?" Kristin laughed.
"Yes, just….be a bitch to each other. Right now. Just say whatever comes to mind. You can threaten each other...call each other names, say them in character, whatever. Just don't physically harm one another." He laughed. "You can scream, shout, yell, whatever. You two are friends, right?"
Lana giggled. "Yes." Kris nodded.
"Okay, good. So you know it'll just be acting, but go ahead. We'll keep the cameras rolling so that way, when I see the tension I need we'll pick right up with Maleficent saying, 'So that's why you think I'm back' and, yeah. Go ahead." He sat back down behind the camera and folded his arms over his chest, saying aloud. "This will be fun." He smiled.
Lana and Kristin stood there for a moment, laughing and trying to figure out how to start. They looked to each other, silently agreeing this was just for fun and boy, it would be! "Hmmm…" Lana began. "Kristin Bauer van Straten…" She said with a snarky tone.
"What the fuck do you want, Lana?" Kris replied. Merrin and Victoria giggled at the booth.
"This is gonna be so entertaining." Vic whispered to the woman across from her. Merr nodded and returned her attention to the two.
"Bitch, don't talk to me like that!" Lana snapped, her expression fighting back a smile.
"'Bitch?'" Kris said as if she were taken aback.
"Yeah. 'Bitch!'" Parrilla repeated.
Kris looked to Ralph and he had his hand on his chin, squinting as if to see if it were good enough. He then gestured his hand as if to say 'give me more.' Kristin looked back to Lana and they both laughed again. "Uh, if you two need a minute to get into it, that's fine." Ralph finally said, noticing the tension was more awkward than violent.
Kris nodded and she headed back toward the booth talking to Vic and Merr while Lana stepped away to get into her Evil Queen mode and a makeup artist fixed a stray strand of her hair. "Hey." Kristin whispered to Smurfit and Dungey. "Should I do it?" She smiled down at them and Victoria wasn't quite sure what she meant. She looked across the table and saw Merrin's eyes light up immediately.
"Oh my God! You gotta do it!" Kristin's longtime friend encouraged. Upon seeing Merr's excitement, Vic knew exactly what she meant...go Pam on Lana.
"Ooooo. Yes, Darling. Please do." The Irish actress smiled. Kris fought back a giggle and closed her eyes, smiling. "Oh, I can't wait to see her reaction." Vic whispered in a chuckle and Merrin nodded.
Mrs. Bauer van Straten thought back to her days on the True Blood set and she remembered the southern drawl and apathetic attitude of Pamela Swynford de Beaufort. Taking a breath, she smirked at the other two one last time before turning around to go back to her mark. As she reached it, a makeup artist fixed her lipstick and adjusted her hat before Lana returned to her mark as well. Just before she opened her mouth, she looked over her shoulder sending one last smile and wink at Vic and Merr before returning her attention to the clueless Latina standing right in front of her, unaware of where this would go. "Okay, listen you fucking cunt...I don't know who you think you are, but no one calls me a 'bitch.'" The southern drawl came out easier than she had expected and she was waiting for Lana to either laugh, stand there in shock, or react badly to being called a cunt, even though she knew Lana was such a pro.
But out of nowhere, within milliseconds, Lana had her own unexpected comeback...but not as Regina, nor the Evil Queen….but as herself from the streets of Brooklyn where she had grown up and was raised for sixteen years. "I don't who the fuck you think you're talking to, you southern bo-nasty!"
Merrin and Victoria themselves were in shock, but they each were about to jump up, hooting and hollering, but they didn't want to ruin the moment, so they stayed quiet, shooting eyes at each other with wide smiles on both their faces. "Oh, this is gonna be good!" Merrin whispered and Vic nodded in agreement before returning her attention to the duo to see what Kris would say next.
Now the one in shock, Kristin had to try and think of something right away as she didn't expect Lana's Brooklyn accent to come out...at least not that fast. But, great in character, she thought of something Pam would say soon enough. "What in the actual fuck is a bo-nasty, you fucking skank?"
"It's pretty much a dirty hoe." Lana answered matter-of-factly, pretending to chew gum obnoxiously.
Kris chuckled as if Pam would and took it almost as a compliment, the way the vamp would. "Hmmm...a hoe? Maybe. But dirty, no! Why don't you go back to your vault and fuck Forest Boy again?"
"You know you're a real scootch sometimes."
Kris raised an eyebrow. "Speak English, hon. What the fuck is a scootch?"
"A scootch is a pain in the ass, biotch!" Lana answered, trying not to laugh at how ridiculous this felt.
"I'M the pain the ass?" Lana nodded, with a hostile look on her face. "Well, you're a pain in the vagina." Kristin got closer to Lana's face. "And not in the good way."
Merrin and Victoria were almost crying from keeping their laughter in by now and Ralph sat forward in his chair, extremely interested in where this was going. All the crew members were trying their hardest to stay quiet as well and everyone had a huge grin on their faces.
"Why don't you kiss my ass!" The Brooklynite stated.
"Why don't I bite your fucking face off?" Kris had no clue where that one came from, but she suspected it was the hostile side of the greatly missed vampire.
"Go choke on a tit."
"Go choke on a DICK!"
"Fuck you."
"Fuck YOURSELF!"
"You can do better than that." Lana knew, really getting to a place where she might burst out in laughter.
"I'm not so sure you could handle it." Kris did one of her sarcastic, sweet smiles, tilting her head to the side as if pittying Lana.
"Pussy!" The Regina Mills portrayer suggested.
"Twat!"
"Bring it, slut!"
"I plan to, whore!" How long was Ralph gonna let this go on? Kristin wondered in her head. She felt an extreme amount of tension, but perhaps the fact that they were both on the verge of laughing was the reason he didn't feel there yet. She decided to maybe up the stakes a little, so it wouldn't last all night. "You know, if you acted anymore like a pretentious fuckface, I'd say you had a stick stuck up your ass."
"You gotta lot a shit witchoo speaking to me like that, Blondie! I've got no time for your bullshit, you hoowah."
Kristin actually did know what that Brooklyn phrase meant and she glared at the shorter woman, responding with haste. "How many times must I tell someone that I ain't no prostitute. That was back in 1905, alright?"
Lana smirked, looking her up and down. "Hmmm...Well, you sure do dress like a pimp."
"Jealous of my clothes?" Kristin gently touched her hat. "They were made especially for me."
"As were mine." Lana pulled down her leather jacket.
"Good for you, Dear." Kristin answered sarcastically, raising an eyebrow. "We're all happy for ya." She truly did love speaking in Pam's accent.
"You know, if it weren't for Pam...you would've never blown up as much as you did." Lana's cheeks got red, knowing what was coming and immediately regretting saying that.
A loud, boisterous Pam laugh escaped Kristin's lips. "If it weren't for Regina, YOU would've never blown up as much as you did."
Merrin and Victoria each gave each other nervous looks, but they were instantly relieved when Ralph cut them off. "Alright, alright, ladies. Down!" He laughed. "Perfect! Now….Maleficent's first line…"
A/N: Well, I hope you liked it. If you have any comments or suggestions let me know in the review section. Oh, and just in case you didn't get it, "blown up" means to get famous. Lol To all my Twitter followers, thanks for putting up with me. Hahaha! Please, readers really, leave some reviews because they motivate me to keep writing! Love you all! MWAH! (P.S. I'll say it again, this was all a joke. Lana and Kristin are extremely talented and they're both my idols and a huge inspiration to me! Don't take this fic the wrong way).