Sorry for not adding the new chapter quickly. And I don't know whether anyone got the sausage joke in Chapter 4, but I hope you did. )
Chapter 5 - Dave is Dead. Deader.
Tuesday June 21st
RE
Miss Wilson is really unfortunate looking. Although she doesn't really help herself- where does she get those rainbow coloured woollen tights from? A circus? Actually, Grandpa's lady friend probably knits them. I'm surprised they have toes.
Jas and Jools are applying lip gloss and foundation behind their books. Because their boyfriends are meeting them outside. They have no pride. Long gone are the days when I would be doing my make up in class. I have grown up into a mature old spinster with no flame of love to light my path. Oo-er
1 minute later
Does Masimo mean a week-week, with seven days? Do the Italians even have the same sort of week as us? Even if they do he could mean a boy week which is practically a S'later.
I need to ask Dave the Laugh what he thinks.
1 minute later
No, I can't. It'll end up as number 5. I must triple my glaciosity and eschew him with a firm hand.
30 seconds later
Even if he has got a fabby nip libbling technique.
ShutupShutupShutup.
I will not mention his name now, he will be the…err…Blob, the faceless, nameless Blob.
5 minutes later and 3 minutes until au revoir Stalag14.
Hahahahahahaha!
Miss Wilson thought the smell of Jools' nail varnish was the heater playing up. Not that it ever works- it's like Artic Conditions in this hell hole they call school. She sent Nauseating P. Green to get Elvis to take a look at it.
He came in grumbling like a grumbly thing from…err…the grumble hut. He had such a Nervy B at Miss Wilson I thought she was going cry.
I smell the sickly sweet aroma of luuurrve.
3.30pm
Hunky, Rollo and the Blob were waiting at the school gates. Ellen made us pretend to be in deep conversation so she could hide behind us and do her lip gloss. She is so in luuurrve with the Blob it is unbelievable. But to me he is only a face in the crowd. Even if he is looking gorgy in his dark jeans and t-shirt.
Shut up Brain!
2 minutes later
The Blob tried to high five me. How sad is that? I tell you, unbelievably sad. Full of sadnosity and trés pathetico. As cool as a cucumber I ignorez-voused him and turned to Jas and pointed at a flower on the path.
I said, "Is that a special flower, Jas?"
She said (forgetting she has the hump with me), "Err…no…Gee, it's a dandelion,"
I raised my eyebrows so they practically disappeared, "Yes, but isn't that a special one?"
"Not really, it's a weed,"
It is like talking to a wall.
Or Angus.
3 minutes later
Dave is trying to make me jealous. He keeps flirting with Ellen. I thought she was going to have to be rushed to casualty to redness when he put his arm around her and pulled her into him.
Try all he wants I will not rise. I am as cool as a cucumber. Hmmmm…Meditating in my mind.
1 minute later
He called her Kittykat! I can't believe it! He is over stepped the line here!
Hmmmmm…..
Must breathe.
3.45pm
Just me and Dave now. I am ignorez-vousing him like he doesn't exist. Ha.
1 minute later
As we turned the corner Dave pushed me into a bush!
I was about to say, "Oii! What do you think your doing you great big nameless Blob!"
I said, "Oii! Wha-"
And he kissed me! Even though I was ignoring him! My brain was mentally trying to push him away but my body went all jelloid and gave into my rampant red-bottomosity.
He is a good kisser even though I am eschewing him with a firm hand.
He didn't do his nip libbling. If he going to surprise snog me in a bush he could at least nib-libble to make it worth my time.
I was about to tell him so in a very firm and glacier manner but he went for my neck.
And I mean literally went for my neck, not neck nuzzling like Masimo but more like a hungry vampire. He bit the side of my neck! How dare he, I might get rabies now.
He should have done it with his fangs in, like for the Teenage Werewolf party. Then I could have said, 'fangs very much'
Hey! Brain! SHUT UP.
I'm going batty.
Arrgggh!
It hurt a bit but he started sucking my skin. Like some sort of sucker fish. It was really weird but Vair vair jelloidish.
Then just as my whole body went completely jelliod he stopped.
Stop stopping you cheap stoppy thing!
He poked my lips and said, "You are my Kittykat and don't forget it," and he walked off.
What?
2 minutes later
Urgh. My neck's all slobbery now.
1 minute later
Merde. Mark Big Gob and his lardy mates were hanging around, smoking fags on the Bus Shelter roof. They saw me.
They pointed at my neck and yelled "Been a busy bird?"
What has Dave done?
Home
In my Bedroom
I am going to KILL Dave the Laughylaugh.
30 seconds later
No, must calm down the Buddhist way.
2 minutes later
I bet Buddha never had a Dave in his life. Poo! Merde!
1 minute later
Dave has given me a love bite! A big great purple mark on my neck.
2 minutes later
I might as well wear a neon flashy sign on my head saying, "Look, Masimo! I have rampant red bottomosity and while waiting for your answer to be my one and only I have been gallivanting off with other boys,"
I'm going to see him in 3 days.
10 minutes later
Rang Jas.
"Jas,"
"What?"
"Don't start that 'what' business again,"
"I won't,"
There was a big silence on the other end of the phone.
"Jas, what are you doing?"
"Not saying 'what'"
She is so annoying. And Fringy. Stupid Fringy.
"Jas, moi bestest pally, you know all the vair vair interesting things you and Tom do,"
"Oh, like the other day when we found some badger footprints and we followed them and-"
"Not the wild life, environmental things you do,"
She went a bit huffy, "Well what then?"
"Remember when Tom gave you a love bite on your toe?"
Jas started laughing like a loon on loon tablets.
Why?
"Y-yes," she choked out.
"How long did it take to go?"
"Hmmm, about a couple of weeks,"
"WEEKS!"
"Yes, why?"
"Oh, no reason,"
And I slammed the phone down.
2 minutes later
A couple of weeks! Oh God, goddy god, god. Emergency neck cover upping.
12 minutes later
Walked through the living room looking for a bit of mouldy sausage I could eat. My Mutti and Vati were snogging on the sofa. Erlack. It's like living in a porn movie. They have no pridinosity. Eurrgg. Libby was trying to join in.
Then Mutti noticed me for once. Just walking through.
"Georgia, why are you wearing a woolly scarf in June?"
I said, "Mum, you have no sense of today's fashion,"
Which is true, her top looks like an elderly prostitute's.
But I don't think the scarf is a good idea.
1 minute later
I have had the stroke of a watsit! Concealer!
10 minutes later
Triple poo, you can still a slight dark patch even underneath twenty layers of concealer.
2 minutes later
If I pull my hair forward into piggy tails it just looks like part of the shadow underneath my hair. Unfortunately, piggy tails are incredibly crap and naff.
Dave is dead meat. Deader.
Hope you like! Please review. Xx