I had to redo most of that last chapter because I read it back and it was very rushed. So I added bits in.

Yippee! I've moved my rats downstairs. They are soooo noisy at night. I can't sleep.

Arggh! Chapter 17! Nearly at the chapters I've been looking forward too! Yay!

Chapter 17-Then I realised he was Covered in Custard

Wednesday 5th July

7.30am

Welcome to my life. I am a girl of 16 and what am I doing? I am being crushed to death by my little sister's toys, that is what.

1 minute later

She is vair vair mad.

8.00am

The phone rang. It was Dave.

"Hi, Sex Kitty, just phoning to say how much I'm missing you, s'later after school, yeah, to give you the photos, love you, tatty bye,"

Good Grief.

English

Miss Wilson is quite possibly the most deranged person I have ever met. She was going on about the Swan of Avon and some luuurrve poem he wrote. Luckily it wasn't Thou art the Only Fish-ee in my Sea-eth. Because then I would have screamed.

I said to her, "Did he sing it to you, miss?"

And she said, "No, No, he didn't sing it to me because-"

And Jools said, "Were you being a red bottomed minx, miss? Was he cross with you?"

PE

There is something vair vair relaxing about smacking a ball around a pitch. And occasionally smacking someone in the leg. Rosie refused point blank to participate.

Miss Stamp, lesbian oberfuhrer said, "Rosie, it's a piping hot day, there is no excuse,"

And Rosie said, "But, I can't risk being hit in the stomach,"

Miss Stamp said, "Rosie, listen every woman has to learn how to deal with her time of the month, I remember when I was young I used to-"

Rosie looked like she was going to die, "Miss, I'm pregnant,"

I thought Miss Stamp was going to choke to death on her moustache.

Shame she didn't.

Blodge

I said to Rosie as Jas was swotting around, "Dave's giving me the photos tonight, we'll tell Jas later,"

Rosie gave me her cross eyed klingon salute and carried on drawing outfits for her baby.

There was a lot of leather involved. Poor kid.

3.30pm

Dave was waiting for me again at the school gates. Ellen was giving me dirty looks for some strange reason. She lost the laugh because of her lack of laughiosity. And now he is my laugh. And that is le fact.

"Hey Kittykat,"

Then I realised he was covered in custard.

I didn't ask.

Then I thought, sod it, and I asked anyway.

"Dave, why are you covered in custard?"

He laughed, which was vair vair groovy, "Remember I said Rachel and her mates are making an anti-Dave campaign against me?"

Yes, I do. The bitch.

"Yup,"

"Well…apparently they thought dropping custard in water balloons on me for the top story of a car park was a good idea for revenge"

"Oh,"

"But I don't really care, they could have done a lot worse, it's only custard. If it had been cheese spread then that would have been a different story,"

I looked at Jas, but she had her head in a nature magazine so I said, "Did you get the photos?"

He said, "Yes, here you go, ma'am,"

3.40pm

The others parted their separate ways along the path of life (Oo-er). Dave and me carried on.

We were just turning the corner and he pushed me into that bush again. I need to complain to the council to have it chopped down. It is vair vair irritating.

But he is a very good snogger.

3.50pm

Eventually we got to the bit we go different ways.

After our usual snog fest I said, "Poo, I've got all those problems to answer tonight,"

"What problems, Sex Kitty?"

"I'm the Agony Aunt for the school newspaper,"

"Well when you've done telling Jas, come over to mine and I'll share my Hornmeister advice with you,"

I dithered like two dithering things at a dither shop.

He laughed. "Don't worry, come through the backway, there's a hole in the garden fence, my mum won't know your there,"

Then just as he was walking off I shouted, "Make sure you get the ice cubes ready,"

I don't know why I said that. Maybe it's the inner minx inside me.

4.00pm

Angus is in luuurrve! Again! With this white fluffy cat. Poor Naomi, try as she might, her bottom antics won't work. Angus is only interested in his fluffy bimbo air-head cat. She is like the Paris Hilton of the cat world.

4.30pm

Phoned Jas.

She said, "What?"

"Don't say what like that,"

"Like what?"

"Funny,"

"What?"

"Jas,"

"WHAT do you want Gee?"

"Me and Ro-Ro need to speak to you,"

"Gee, Hunky's coming round later,"

"It's urgent,"

"Whatever, be quick,"

5.00pm

Me and Ro-Ro walked up to Jas's house. I am vair vair nervous. Jas is probably going to kill me.

We rang the bell for Jas. She answered all tarted up for her luuurrve rat. Merde.

5.10pm

Jas has even more owls from the last time I saw them. And they're all in height order.

She said, in between doing her snogging exercises "Well?"

And I said, "Well…you know what I said and you didn't believe me?"

"No,"

"Well…don't shoot the messenger but-"

Then Rosie burst out with less sympathy than…a cabbage, "Tom's cheating on you,"

And Jas laughed again, "Yeah, right,"

I said, "We have photos to prove it, look,"

"I'm not looking Gee,"

"Look,"

"Gee, Tom wouldn't cheat on me,"

"Look,"

"No, he loves me,"

"LOOK!"

"I won't,"

I shoved them in her face in the end.

She just stared for ages. Then she started to cry.

5.30 pm

I had to listen to 'Oh why,' and 'Oh how' and 'Did all those voles mean nothing to him' for the last twenty minutes. I may have to kill myself.

Jas is devastated.

Rosie said, "It's okay, Jas,"

Jas said, "It isn't, didn't when we found the rabbit burrow mean anything to him? How could he?"

Then Jas' mum called upstairs, "Jas! Tom's here, she's up in her room,"

Jas shot up like a shooting thing and said, "Hide!"

And she quickly mopped herself up.

Tom came in. Oh, I hate him so much. Poor Jas.

"Hey, Po," and he sat down next to her.

"Hi, Hunky,"

Eurrgh! I feel like I'm watching some sort of happy families.

Wasn't she going to dump him?

Uh oh. They're going to snog. I can't watch.

10 minutes later

Wow! Blimey O'Reily's Trousers! Fabby with nobs!

Jas and the Luuurrve Rat were about to snog when just as they were touching noses and Jas slapped him. Properly, full on. It was amazing.

He yelled, "Why did you do that?!"

She shouted, "Look at the photo's Tom!"

"Oh, poo,"

Then Jas slapped him again, "Get out,"

"FINE THEN!"

And he ran out the house.

Me and Rosie burst out the wardrobe like two bursting things…needing the toilet and hugged Jas.

Wow.

6.30pm

Me and Rosie spent ages looking after Jas. I am such a good friend. But I won't be a very good girlfriend if I stay here much longer.

"Err…I need to go…I've got some homework to do,"

Rosie smirked, "Sure, Gee,"

Even Jas smiled a bit. She's cheering up. A little.

6.45pm

How ironic. Jas is on the shelf of life and I'm in a proper relationship. I'm even doing homework with my boyfriend, for God's sake! I love Dave and he loves me. What could be simpler? Because he is my one and-

"Ciao, Georgia, please don't run,"

Oh Giddy God's aunt! It was Masimo. Phoar, he is gorgeous personified. No! Girdy loins, girdy loins.

"Georgia, I am sorry for, how you say, playing the field, but I now have the answer to your question, and yes, I would like to be your proper boyfriend,"

Three weeks too buggering late!

Oh my God, Oh my God, what do I do? What do I do?

I run, that's what.

7.10pm

I feel really really nervy. I am vair scared of Dave's mutti. I snuck through the hole in his garden fence. I felt like a burglar or something.

"Gee!"

It was Dave.

"How am I getting in?"

"Climb up the tree,"

If he thinks I'm climbing up a bloody tree he's got another thing coming.

7.30pm

Ouchy Ouch Ouch. I think I might have a twig stuck up my bum Oley.

Finally I managed to climb up the tree and Dave pulled me in through his window.

"Hey Sex Kitty," Dave said, kissing me really gently, "Been running again? God, I know I'm very sexy but you don't need to flatter me,"

Cheeky Cat.

I can't tell him about Masimo though can I? But it doesn't matter does it, because Dave is my boyfriend and I love him. And just him.

That's that.

2 minutes later

Dave said, "You look a bit down, Kittykat,"

I said, "Nguuuur,"

Because what can I say?

Then Dave smirked. "I know what it is, ice cubes, yes?"

And he went of to fetch them.

Good Grief.

5 minutes later

Three weeks ago I would have been leaping over spoons that Masimo said yes. Why does everything come to me too late or too early? Why is Big G punishing me. Why?

I love Dave but it is getting a bit…dull…just being me and him. Maybe they both can share m-

"Aaaah!"

"Sssh!"

I need to KILL Dave.

1 minute later

He tipped an entire plate of ice cubes down the back of my top!

I need to kill him.

"DAVE!"

But he was having a laughing spaz.

"You need some help getting them out, Kittykat?"

"DAVE! What's going on up there!?"

Uh-oh, It was his Mutti.

"Err…nothing, mum, it's just the TV,"

"Well, turn it down!"

He is unbelievable.

8.00pm

Eventually I managed to get all the ice cubes out of my top and I made Dave help me with my agony aunt stuff. I feel like a complete swot. Erlack.

"So, Hornmeister, what is your answer to somebody who's stressed because the guy she likes won't notice her?"

"Tell her to display the old glaciousity,"

I wrote it down, Dave leant over me and picked up another letter. It gave me the shivers.

He said, "Ok, how about this one, 'Me and my boyfriend have been going out for a while now, but the problem is he's too perfect, he's always getting me flowers, and taking me places and is OBSESSED with me, it's really annoying, what should I do?' "

God, tell her I know how she feels.

Uh-oh. I think Georgia might have heard the call of the General horn again. Next chapters are the ones I've been looking forward to writing! Yay!

Oh, and I've only just got what's with the Blimey O'reily stuff. It's supposed to sound like Blimey. Oh Really? God, I am SLOW!