Silent Lamb

by xeveningx

In silence lay secrets that have haunted her for years and she's ready to give up everything in order to take them to her grave. At this point,there's nothing to make her waver.Or is there? In the end,it's her choice: unravel the truth and destroy everything she's come to love, or forever be the scapegoat and lose herself in the process? (Rated M for themes.)

9. A Vassal's Duty

Chapter Nine:

A Vassal's Duty

---

Fate certainly worked under strange circumstances.

It was the only explanation Ceara could think of when it came to how she and Kohaku met and, how through subsequent years, their paths had kept crossing. The events that transpired during her childhood were years that she had purposefully buried in her mind. It took time—and help—for her to bury them deep where not even she would find them, but now that was exactly what Kouen wanted of her.

Fate, you cruel bitch.

But she supposed it also fell on her. After years spent hiding, Ceara had grown to excel at such art of her own accord and necessity.

Kohaku's death had been Ceara's secret. It should have stayed her secret but her melancholy along with her inexperience had blown that lid open during a couple of occasions. One, then another. Those were inconsequential, though. One was dead by fate's cruel hand; the other threatened her with the truth. For years that had been Ceara's norm and she had grown to cope. For years she abandoned her own name and took over Kohaku's place, supplanting the General's second daughter.

After so many years, she thought she had perfected the act to the point that she forgot herself. 'Ceara' had ceased to exist and she rose as 'Kohaku' from the tragedy that changed their lives. Sad to say, though, the tragedy never disappeared. It only followed. Pretending to be Kohaku had not been as easy of an idea as her then eleven-year-old self had thought it to be. Occasionally before, the two had scurried from Kohaku's tutors as simple servants, and because of their resemblance to one another, no one questioned when they saw either. In their eyes, it was Ceara, not Kohaku; a servant not their liege. The reverse proved harder to retain on the long run. When it barely happened, Kohaku's ghost lingering within Murmur could have very well been a blessing in disguise. Although she knew it to be Murmur mimicking Kohaku, hearing her voice, speaking to her, made coping a bit easier. Sweet lies spoken by Murmur to Ceara as comfort for something neither of them could change.

And yet it changed, although not in the way she imagined it would. After Magnostadt, Kohaku had finally left Murmur, her soul—rukh—returned to the flow. And now five others knew the truth: she was not Kohaku.

The first few hours after having left Magnostadt had been spent in denial for her. All the way to Balbadd, Ceara spent in silence and apart from the rest. And despite what the others might have thought, Ceara spent that time convincing herself of the truth. It took Murmur assuring her multiple times for it to cement itself; she had equipped him, used his Extreme Magic, and had freed Kohaku.

"Not only her, little king, but hundreds," he assured her, as if that made the situation any better. It only served to remind her of how many she had killed in an instant and the many more she unknowingly trapped while learning how to wield him over the years that followed. It reminded her of the reason she had abstained from wielding him in the first place. But using him after so long also brought back an odd feeling: control over the uncontrollable. A djinn of life; Murmur wasn't the conventional definition of it. From her vantage point, when she thought of Life djinn, she pictured Phenex or Zagan, beings that brought and gave, well, life. Murmur could do neither. He was a djinn of life able to control the dead. Grim as it was, he was useful and, aside from that, turned to be a loyal djinn and compassionate friend. Even after Kohaku's death and Ceara's supplantation, Murmur didn't vilify or derogate her choice.

"I'll stand by you, my king, no matter your choices or what may come" had been his last words before she heartlessly vowed never to use him again. At first she had kept him where she could reach when nightmares came to her, sometimes in places she knew were safe, and during times of grief or uncertainty never too far away. Regardless of where it was kept, Ceara knew not to use it. She knew well of the voices that would haunt her, voices of those trapped in the lantern like echoes floating through dense water, lethargic and incessantly long.

Now empty, there was nothing but quiet as she held the carnation hairpin in her hands.

They had arrived safely at Balbadd and the battalion was quick to disassociate as Kouen gave his orders, many of which Ceara turned an intentional deaf ear to.

"General Kohaku." Ceara turned out of habit to meet Seishuu's pensive gaze. The serpent Household Member had been the most amicable of the four and although she could see that such aspect hadn't fully left him, she could spot the slight detriment, like dark clouds over clear skies, that shadowed his sight. "The young master has requested I accompany you to where your siblings are."

Curious, she looked over her shoulder at said man. Unawares of the scrutiny, Kouen continued ordering what officials he had at hand as Koumei followed swiftly behind. Both worked like a well-oiled machine and it surprised her somewhat that they found the time to assign her a custodian, especially one of his own household. It took staring a minute too long for Kouen to finally return the stare. She didn't look away even with the gaze that threatened to bore holes in her. It was a small exchange of a few seconds but she had spent the better half of a year deciphering the man. To her, it was easy to discern what the one look meant.

"Precaution."

If against what she would or wouldn't do or to ensure her safety after the battering they took at Magnostadt, she wasn't sure; although, she could take a pretty good assumption and say it wasn't the latter. But Seishuu, or anybody else for that matter, would receive discipline from not following orders where she was concerned. So Ceara gave him a sturdy nod despite hating that she would be babysat from now until she met again to talk to Kouen. And that without knowing if he would revoke the ban on her. If not, then this would have to get use to this and that would certainly take time.

For the time being, however, Ceara nodded and followed behind him despite the stares she felt follow her as they left. Her mind worked slowly taking in every detail of the residence that Kou had built in Balbadd for their royal prince and governor. Odd but expected; she'd seen such abrupt transformations before in major cities or towns she herself had seized in the past. Unification of the world was what Koumei called his brother's ideal.

Unification through cultural and ideological genocide.

Although she agreed that something must be done about the state of the world and all the atrocities and grievances that were happening, she didn't think that such decimation should be the price. History, no matter how flawed, had a purpose. A concept she recently learned.

We learn from our mistakes which is why we should never forget about them. History shouldn't be rewritten to suit a purpose, cultures shouldn't be broken and remolded, minds shouldn't be manipulated. But that was exactly what the Kou Empire, and by extension she as one of its generals, was doing. Contradictory didn't begin to define it.

Then again, I've lived a life of contradictions. What's so different now?

She wondered the same thing.

"Haku-nee!"

Sousei's and Suisei's cries cut her train of thought short and, for once, Ceara was thankful for that. Her mind had become a poisonous labyrinth with every thought she had hurting her further and corroding her from the inside out. Hearing the twins and having them there with her cleared up the toxic fog. Her emotions and theirs won out at seeing her and she them, and without much thought, Ceara ran up to meet them and cradled both in her arms. Their bodily warmth washed over her like sunlight, their voices, albeit cracked or crying, were a blissful reminder that cemented her vague sense of purpose in her cluttered head.

I may have lost Kohaku but I won't ever lose you.

Ceara held onto them for dear life feeling tears ready to spring anew as her mind raced with what the future had in store for them. Time was wasting; for as much as she wanted it hidden, this secret would reach out sooner or later. Afraid as she was of what it would do to their relationship, she knew the time for lies was over.

Not now, her heart pleaded, fighting sternly against what her mind knew to be the right course of action. It'll destroy you.

And Ceara listened to it despite not completely understanding why. To say anything now would mean facing the unthinkable. She had done enough of that to last her a lifetime; she needed time, just some to let the pain of losing Kohaku dull. Let the wound scar before opening it again.

How long? She had no answer to that question and it petrified her.

Instead of dwelling on what was to come, she immersed herself in the pleasant feel of their embrace, holding onto them like her only refuge from a depthless ocean. Because that was what it felt like. Ceara was stranded with only them as lifelines and, without them, she might as well be dead.

Pulling them at arm's length, Ceara brushed her hands against theirs flushed faces Wiping their tears away as they sprung anew. Their eyes, a darker cobalt, gleamed in their tears but their smiles of relief overwhelmed them. They must have heard about what occurred in Magnostadt, the near-death experience most of them had, from someone. The thought of never seeing them again overwhelmed Ceara and made her eyes sting.

Fear didn't strangle her to silence unlike many times in the past. For once, fear opened her lips letting her vocal chords vibrate.

"I love you both."

Their relief changed in the blink of an eye as whimsical wonderment took over them. For a second they appeared to be younger, toddlers wondering at tricks. But this was no trick, it was the truth.

Start small. It was the only consensus her mind and heart could reach.

"It's real," she mumbled while stroking their heads. "Sou, Sui, it's real. I'm okay." Reaching out to them, the twins didn't falter. They're confusion changed into pure glee as they embraced her tighter than before. She did the same, repeating words she deeply wanted to believe. "We'll be okay. We'll be okay."

False hope or not, it was all she had to hang on to.

---

Despite how much more she had wanted to spend with them, Ceara found her time with Sousei and Suisei cut short at Kouen's orders after two days of their arrival.

"The Tenzen Plateau?" She repeated it, the taste of the words sour in her mouth.

Although Kouen debriefed the three of them on the matter, Koumei was the one that decided to clarify. Ceara met eyes with the Second Prince and for a split second saw nothing but a collected semblance. Although used to it, Ceara believed she had built good relationships with many at the palace that went past crude glares and sneers. Whatever walls she had built, however, seemingly crumbled after what had happened. In a way, she felt like time had rewound and she found herself in the midst of the Imperial Family of Kou, citizens before their royals. They weren't Koumei and Kouen anymore, they were the First and Second princes of Kou. And despite spring beginning, warming the already lukewarm air around Balbadd, Ceara couldn't dismiss the chill that came over her.

"Yes," Koumei replied with a nod. "Sousei and Suisei will be accompanying Princess Hakuei and Kouha back to the Tenzen Plateau."

Sousei was first to step up. "Excuse my asking but for what purpose exactly?"

Koumei sighed. "To watch over the Dark Spot that remains open over Magnostadt."

"Is that really a four-man job?" Suisei asked meekly.

Ceara didn't dismiss the low exhale coming from Kouen, clearly exasperated by their inquiries. It sounded odd to her as well but she hadn't the mind to ask herself. This wasn't an arbitrary choice knowing them. Kouen especially wouldn't deviate forces like that, not after what happened and certainly not with King Sinbad looming over Kou with his newly formed Confederation.

Then why?

Questions from the twins kept coming, passive aggressively at times, and Ceara could sense Kouen's temper starting to rise. He might be aloof and collected but he wasn't a man of limitles patience, that much she knew. Not wanting anymore dissonance where there wasn't a need, Ceara gently touched them effectively quieting them down. Silence reigned until Ceara spoke, "Will this be permanent?"

The one question asked more than any of theirs had and she purposefully worded it so. Her eyes locked with crimson tinted gold at asking. Ceara didn't want an answer from Koumei. The only one who could answer her with any sort of definitive response was Kouen.

Undeterred by her gaze, Kouen complied. "No. The deployment will be for a month. If by the end of that month there is no more need for them, they are free to return."

A month. They would be away for a month. There still was no word from Masami either. As far as they knew she had been dealing with their parents' passing in Shika after recently getting approval to return. Ceara doubted she even was aware about what happened at Magnostadt. All three would be away from Balbadd.

He's giving me time without them here.

It was the only logical conclusion she could muster. A month without any of them gave her some liberty. It would let her talk to Kouen and keep her side of the bargain without fear of being discovered.

How conniving.

This wasn't just to give liberty; it gave her a strict deadline that spoke loudly of what he expected. Kouen wanted her to tell what she promised within that month. The consequences of not adhering to that she could only guess, but in the end it gave her time alone. Ceara only hoped it would be enough.

Reaching out to them, Kohaku got their attention with a tug of their wrists. Both turned to face her still perplexed about the whole situation.

"It'll be fine," she assured them with a small smile. "I'm safe here, and with your Household Vessels, I'm sure you will be too. Besides, you'll be with Hakuei and Kouha and I can't think of a safer place out there."

Suisei pursed her lips, wide-eyed and full of concern. Sousei could only glare, peeved at her words. Ceara couldn't blame them. During their short time back together, she had told them briefly about Magnostadt—what she could, anyway—and about how she regained her voice with Kouen's help. They were grateful she hadn't died and that she could talk again after so many years but that didn't dissipate their worry as they very much told her. She knew the feeling, it was something she felt constantly for them, but she couldn't let it takeover now.

Just this once, her mind told her, they'll be fine.

For their sake, I hope so.

Ceara gave them a gentle smile before speaking again. "It's only a month, Sou, Sui. We'll be fine."

Sousei was the first convinced, or at least conscious enough to not argue with her quiet plea, and turned with a nod to Kouen. "Apologies about the queries, General Commander. We will do as you ordered."

"Then prepare," Koumei told them once the two heard their agreement. "You will leave tomorrow before dawn."

There was no more arguing after that. As they were leaving, however, Sousei paused before scoffing. Ceara and Suisei stopped briefly, surprised at his sudden noise. "You two go ahead."

"Sou?" Suisei murmured under her breath, holding onto Ceara.

"Don't worry, it's just some issues I have to deal with," he assured her with a pat on the head. His eyes came back to Ceara before nodding.

Ceara's gaze bore into his but she saw no lie or misdirection which made something clear: whatever he had to talk to them about concerned the Reizei Household. Stroking Suisei's hand to calm her, she gave them both a smile before answering. "We'll wait for you to have dinner," as she said this her eyes wandered behind him where Koumei and Kouen were. "Don't be long."

He nodded and Ceara did her best to drag Suisei out without her throwing a tantrum. Thankfully, she didn't and it allowed Cara to hear a snip of the conversation as it began on the other side of the closed door.

"I received your letter." Letter?

"Do you have an answer?" Kouen.

"I agree to your terms," Sousei breathed, defeated. "I'll cede—"

"Haku-nee?"

Ceara blinked at Suisei's interruption as she kept dragging her along, farther away from the council room. Through Suisei's talking, Ceara tried straining her ears more but only managed to catch a few more words.

Isles.

Marriage.

Official.

Her heart plummeted. Their engagement—Kouen's engagement. It must be further talk about it. Ceara wondered how much more they would delay the ceremony or if they were already planning for it as they spoke.

Don't think about. Now, more than ever, those words seemed to do more harm than good. She had lost one, still had two, and never had the third. Maybe a whisper of the last—a kiss that had been surprisingly gentle—but nothing more. And she would never be a concubine second to Masami. Never again second to Masami. Then again, her mind thought critically, you might not live much longer to think much about the problem.

Certainly that would be the worst outcome. One that was too real of a possibility. Thinking more about it, Ceara figured worrying about Kouen and Masami's marriage was idiotic in her situation but there was no helping it. Her mind spoke logic, her heart didn't. She listened to neither instead choosing to spend the day she had with the twins before sending them off with Kouha and Hakuei.

Three days of their company was all she had to console herself with. Ceara hoped for the best and that three days' worth of smiles and laughter would be enough for the month without them. There was no time for her to dawdle on that thought because Kouen appeared to have no intention on letting time go to waste.

"A meeting?"

Seijin nodded with a slight grimace, one she replicated at hearing their first prince's order. Ceara had hoped to spend sometime arranging the soldiers' records and some skewed numbers Seijin had pointed out before but it seemed that Kouen had a different idea of quiet afternoon.

Seijin tidied up the desk she sat before, a habit Ceara had noticed he did when anxious. "His words were a bit more—" he pursed his lips, wanting to find the right word, "on the strict side. He did greatly emphasize that I shouldn't let you slip up like you usually do."

Ceara stiffened at hearing that. Kouen shouldn't have had an inkling about her wanting to relax by going to town.

How?

Beleth and Murmur had the same idea: "He knows you well."

She scoffed at hearing that; what Kouen knew was from months on end of time spent together and his calculative mind. But she digressed. If Seijin was there to keep her from running away and ensuring she went to that meeting, then not attending would be bad for him. In the end, she had no other choice.

Dread had piled up in her over the few days of knowing she would have to confess the better part of a lifetime of lies. It'd be hard, of that she was sure. After all, many things were hard to remember after purposefully burying them in the depths of her mind. Even now, thinking as hard as she could and leaving her work aside, she found it hard to recall specifics.

"You think better when distracted, my king," Beleth explained. "Forcing yourself won't help."

"I could help." Murmur meant well with his offer but Ceara knew not to take it. Seeing what a soul and it's rukh harbored was a power of his-sometimes even a able to conjure specters-and it would vividly show her those latent memories. The bad thing was that it would vividly show her those latent memories.

Thank you...but no. I would much rather remember by myself.

Beleth was right. When distracted, her mind wandered onto connected topics. Surely, if Ceara let it, her mind would work by itself. But too much distraction wouldn't do, either.

She needed something that would use a part of her mind that could work easily by itself; a task that needed logical thinking to let the rest speak freely.

A brilliant thought came so suddenly that it got her to smile. Of course.

"Jin?"

Seijin lifted his gaze from the neat stack of papers he just finished putting in alphabetical order. "Yes, miss?"

"I need you to look for something," she replied. "And I need it for the meeting."

---

The afternoon came without many troubles overall. Balbadd was a country that despite its previous state ran itself well. The Kou Empire's tactics of changing the country from the inside also helped everything run smoothly. One would says that perhaps it was peaceful enough that even as governor of Balbadd, the First Prince would have little to no trouble managing it.

Kouen highly disagreed. After all, this whole 'governing Balbadd' was becoming cumbersome fast with the plans he had laid on conquering further across the sea that divided the east and west. Although he had wanted to use Balbadd as base to further his objectives, governing the country was a tedious task. More so with the recent issues that had presented themselves recently.

Alone in a study made specifically for his personal use, Kouen sighed exhausted lying back against the sturdy cushioned armchair and letting his hold on a scroll slacken. Truly this was a dull position but it had to be taken. Small things kept him occupied, though, and yearning for the future to come. The promised meeting with Aladdin was one of them. It had been only a few days after they had returned from Magnostadt and the little magi had already sent word of the Summit meeting both Kou and Sindria would attend in two months' time.

"I'll keep my promise," he had said in his letter. "But it can wait."

Not to Kouen it couldn't. Two months would feel like a lifetime knowing that what he'd been searching for years now was just within arms reach. Knowing the truth was there but being able to grasp it was torture in itself and it soured his mood plenty. Perhaps that was what had him peeved now but he couldn't tell and couldn't care less. All Kouen knew was that it infuriated him at worst and kept him constantly annoyed at best these last few days.

The door opening and footsteps quietly approaching caught his attention briefly. A small rattling also accompanied the quiet stepping as a figure turned the corner to the interior of the study.

"Am I interrupting?"

Kouen couldn't keep the sigh that escaped him at seeing her. Speaking of distractions.

His crimson tinted gold eyes met stark blue ones. As Kohaku—no, Ceara approached, Kouen could tell something was amiss. It was subtle—slightly dark circles beginning to form underneath her eyes, a small paleness that contrasted her usual fair complexion—but he knew to look for subtly where others were concerned. A subtle glint in the eyes or quirk of the lips told more to him than words did; it told him hidden intentions that most thought were perfectly hidden behind petty smiles or conniving words.

Staring at her, though, Ceara showed only a small smile as she came to stand before his large desk. Wrapped in her arms was a rectangular wooden box, checkered in black and the beige of the wood. He eyed the piece briefly before meeting her eyes again.

"No," he replied as he closed the scrolls. "Just looking through documents of Balbadd's state while waiting."

"Must be bothersome," she said with a small scrunch of her nose. "Being governor of Balbadd aside of being General Commander of the whole of the Western Subjugation Army."

Kouen offered no confirmation or denial. Instead he veered their conversation towards another topic. "I'm surprised Seijin managed to keep you within the palace walls."

She chuckled, empty as it sounded, before replying, "I didn't want him to get in trouble. But had you sent him a few hours later, I would've been out already."

Kouen had guessed as much. Their training always appeared to be more productive through the evenings; he surmised after a while to keep more intense things for later in the day. Her being predictable came in handy at times.

Digressing, Kouen gave a nod to the wooden box she held. "What is that?"

Ceara gave the box in her hands a brief glance before putting it down on the desk. Placing some of his scrolls neatly to the side, she took out the wooden pieces of beige or black and opened the box to lay it down. As she began putting pieces in their place, her eyes avoiding his, she spoke. "I had Seijin look for one. Luckily not all were destroyed when we came to Balbadd." Once done with placing each in place, Ceara took a nearby armchair and sat across from Kouen, letting her hands fall to the either side of the board. The same empty smile tugged at her lips as she explained further, "It's very much like Xiangqi, except they call it chess around these—"

"Intentions aside, this time isn't for entertaining either of us," Kouen swiftly interrupted. His tone had grown a bit brusque but he didn't give it much thought. Ceara's expression changed for a mild second, her smile disappearing and exchanged by a purse of full lips.

"I know," she replied lowly as she met his eyes. "It'll make it easier for me, though—this distraction. I'll be able to think clearer about things that...I don't like remembering." She lowered her gaze and reached out for one of the beige pieces, fiddling with it at the edge of her fingertips.

At meeting his gaze again, Kouen's stare became fixed upon hers. There was no hesitation or even sadness; all he saw was an emptiness tinged with desolation. It made her once stark blue eyes seem bleaker. Disregarding his mood for a moment, he found it in himself to agree and gave her a quaint nod in the board's direction. The bleakness disappeared for a split moment before it returned as she made her first move.

"My brother taught me how play when I was younger." Kouen watched as her gaze didn't leave the board. Her nose scrunched up childishly, the light of her eyes returning as she spoke. "I wasn't any good at it, though. I liked watching him and Papa play better."

"You intend to drag this on, don't you?" he asked not moving an inch to make his move. He was already irritated, although it showed only through his mild tone of voice, and having to hear her drawl on about her infancy wasn't something that appealed to him.

There was no missing the small glint of playful mischief that came to her eyes as she smiled. "I promised to tell you the truth. Never said at whose pace. They were vague, after all, the terms you set for me." A long, heavy sigh escaped her lips then as her eyes wandered over to the pile of scrolls he had been reading that she had set aside for their game before turning up again. "Besides, you seem like you could use a break with all that's happening. Maybe this and my little story might help clear your head."

A single eyebrow was all he raised at this before he sighed himself and made his move. Seeing him comply made her smile grow. She peered at the board thoughtfully before making her move and continuing with her tale. "It was calming to see them play; it was one of the few things we did together as a family when I was small. But even those times tended to be scarce back then," her shy smile molded into a thin line, "especially with Kou's seizing of Kai and Gou going on in the background."

Gou and Kai. Those were names he seldom heard with any frequency nowadays apart from his history scrolls. The simple mention of that time painted well the situation she described. Back when Emperor Hakutoku took to arms for that crusade, there had been a conscription for all capable young men of thirteen and older. It had been an unnecessary measure, though. In reality, that conscription served the purpose of gathering the meager 12 percent of prospects that were on their younger years. Fealty was what many had for the Emperor and his sons in spades, himself included. He wondered for a moment if her brother had as well or if he had been one of those conscripted.

"Because of the war, I was left alone in Shika. Caretakers that could've cared less about their own children if they had any took care of the children left behind by the conscriptions. But because of the sheer amount of us, I would easily slip in and out with no one noticing. It was during one of these usual outings that I came across a little girl and helped her back home."

Kouen was quiet and paid attention to the game and her story as bothersome as that was. Patience, he reminded himself, but to ask that after days of pent up frustration was certainly a great task. Nonetheless, he mustered what he could and moved one of his black pieces to take one of hers. Ceara cringed at this.

A small crooked grin came to the side of his lips but he languidly hid it before leaning his chin against his fist, arm propped against the armrest. "Focus."

Mimicking his posture, she stared wholly at the board and every piece that laid there. "My father died a year after he went out to battle. Thankfully, my brother hadn't. He had made quite a name for himself as the right-hand man of General Koujiro; he even said that he was somewhat acquainted with Emperor Hakutoku and his sons. But mostly the general." Her index finger came to tap at her lower lip before a smile came to them and she moved another of hers to take two black pawns of his in return. "It was two years after he joined the military that he told me that it wasn't good for me to be left by myself for such long periods of time. What he was trying to do was softened the news: he had wagered me off as a vassal to General Koujiro's second daughter. And as fate would have it that second daughter was none other than the little crybaby I had walked home two years before."

"Wagered," he repeated. Although it didn't sound like a question, she took it as one and shrugged her shoulders.

"He never really told me any details. Just that he and Koujiro had spoken and that they had come to some sort of accord. I'd be safe, well fed, and sheltered. I suppose that's what mattered to him." She sat back, her fingers drumming at the end of her armrests. "I didn't really like him for a while because of that. Back then, I thought he was doing this to rid himself of me. Like I was some sort of burden to do away with." Ceara scoffed as her left hand reached back to take the carnation hairpin from her low bun. Leaning forward, she held the piece between her fingers, caressing gently the silver flower.

Kouen watched the small action curiously. Intentional or not, he recognized the same fondness she often saw the twins, Kouha, or Kougyoku with. It appeared to be of considerable importance aside from being Murmur's Metal Vessel. She only affirmed that assumption.

"He gave this to me before he left that first time. It's part of a set; he has—…had the other."

He was reaching for another piece of his with the intent of ending the game as soon as possible when he heard this, stopping him in his tracks.

Carnation hairpin. Light brown hair. Stark blue eyes. Issues with temper. Before, these only seemed to be coincidences albeit eerily uncanny. It could have had been his subconscious reminding him of what had happened long ago when he was younger and had recently captured Agares.

Perhaps not, he thought.

"What was your brother's name?"

Ceara looked up, her blue eyes wide, bewildered by the sudden question. Her lips parted slightly but she said nothing. It wasn't until she shook the initial surprise away that she answered.

"Cael of Ériú."

Quiet filled the space between them for a few seconds. Ceara watched his hand closely as he reached over to another piece and simply moved that one-instead of taking three of hers like he'd previously intended, he took nothing. Her eyes scanned the board and quickly found a move; she took three of his own instead and called, "I believe that is check."

Kouen sighed at this and shook his head lightly. Cael of Ériú; of course, it was. He promptly took one of his pieces, undoing her check and coming to one of his own. "Check."

The elation she had deflated at that and Ceara sat back with a groan, watching the board meticulously with her eyes tracing every other pattern available. He stared at this as it was clear that her mind was elsewhere as she had yet to notice him staring.

"I hated it at first," she confessed, arms crossed before her as she huffed in her sit. "Headstrong as I was, I hated having to follow orders. I suppose having been so carefree when I was younger led to that."

Despite his aloofness, Kouen couldn't help the scoff that escaped him. "You make it sound like you've outgrown that part. I certainly can attest to the contrary."

Such statement made her chuckle. Another beige part moved. "Time quickly went by and the more I spent with Kohaku, the more I began to realize that it wasn't so bad—she made it fun. Back then education was prominent in my schedule as vassal; I had to know how to read and write, and that was besides the arithmetic. I abhorred it, I suppose, like any child would. The things Kohaku taught me, however, were a completely different story. It was from her that I heard about the world, about other cultures, about things my young mind could have had never fathomed. The topics fascinated me as did her take on them. It truly astonished me that she had grown so much in those short two years. We became friends very quickly. It came to the point where she became as important to me as Cael was. Unlike the rest of her family, she treated me like her a equal."

He heard her take a breath and took the chance to move one of his knights. Once he placed it down, she touched the ebony horse idly with one of her fingertips, fidgeting with it. "I never understood how, it just happened gradually and I accepted it as fact. She was the closest thing I had to a friend." Kouen's eyes followed the glint of her blue eyes as it returned and a flush came to her cheeks invigorating her features as she airily chuckled. "There were times when we would sneak out of the estate when she nagged me about being too bored of her studies. Other times, she would simply ask me to go in her stead. And truthfully, through the years, I became eager to learn and her lessons were most intriguing, so I didn't really have a reason to say no."

Kouen's brow furrowed. "What do you mean to say?"

"We would switch places," Ceara admitted. It took a few seconds for her lips to purse into a thin line but the dust of pink and glimmer in her eyes remained at recalling those moments. "When I would go to her lessons, she would wear my clothes and I hers. When I took her out to enjoy Shika's marketplace, she would dress in a spare change of mine. In either case, no one was the wiser."

This perplexed Kouen. "How come?"

Ceara kept quiet for a moment, the light atmosphere around her steeply declining. "A cruel jest of fate, I presume. It's all I can find to explain such thing." She exhaled before leaving his piece and moving one of hers: a bishop. "We weren't related, of that I'm sure. I've gone extensively through records before, and aside from our mothers originating from the Eastern Isles, there was nothing else connecting us. But considering this was years ago, it makes sense now."

It did, indeed. Kouen could see how that, despite being highly improbable, could very well happen. The Eastern Isles—or Isles of Icaunus as they were known back then—had remained secluded to themselves for years before they opened their ports to foreign trade. Isolated as they were, it made it likely for its denizens to have been of very specific ethnicity.

But for two unrelated girls to appear that much alike, he thought. The chances of what they had found were truly unbelievable.

"It still amazed me, though." Kouen came to look at her as she stared up at the ceiling, contemplatively. "Even after three years of serving her, we grew to resemble each other just the same despite my being a couple of years older than her."

But that must have meant that their resemblance had to be eerily uncanny. Even with the absurdity of their similarity accounted for, the fact of their age difference didn't fit. "Two years? I'm having a hard time believing that with such gap you would still be so much alike appearance-wise."

Ceara shrugged at this and stared at the board, waiting for him to make a move. When he didn't, she sighed knowing what he wanted from her: an answer at best or an opinion at worse. She decided for the latter. "I've had problems before because of my birth. Cael told me that I was born prematurely so it made sense. My mother lived to take care of me for almost a year before she died of complications after trying to conceive again. I never questioned it—are you going to move or not?" The terse tone she took made Kouen raise his eyebrow. She pouted as her brow knitted together, annoyed. "You're taking an awful long time."

He waited a few more minutes staring her down just to annoy her more. It wasn't until her childish pout turned to a frown that he scoffed and made his move, taking two beige pieces in his wake. Ceara groaned frustrated but stopped and took a deep breath before releasing it. The action caught his attention, it was how he had taught her to calm down during stressful situations that made her anger spike. All this was stirring her emotions.

"I digress," she called, her tender voice back to normal. "The fact of the matter was that we grew closer through the years and it made Cael's absence bearable. He came and went, at times lasting longer than I would have liked. He always came back, though; that was something that I could count on." A grimace came to her as she leaned her chin in her palm. "That changed the third year close to my eleventh birthday. The battalion had returned from a six-month expedition but...Cael wasn't with them. I had to beg Kohaku to take me to General Koujiro for information. I wished I hadn't."

Leaning over from her chair, Ceara breathed deeply through her nose as she stared intently at the board yet at nothing at all. "He told me Cael had died. That's all he and anybody told me." The grimace from before turned into a full-blown scowl. "That, a cracked sword, and monetary compensation as if that would have quelled the grief of losing him. The bastards took him as another casualty of the many and hanged me out to dry in my grief. Their ignorance only made me angrier. The night I found out about his death, I ran away from the estate."

"What exactly had you in mind after leaving?" he inquired.

Ceara didn't reply immediately. Instead, she reached for a random piece—a knight—but did it so clumsily that she toppled it over. Rather than putting it back in place, she made a rash move. Rashness, that was something he hadn't seen from her in a long while. He said nothing as he watched her take one of his rooks.

"I just wanted to get away," she answered matter-of-factly. "The Eastern Isles were all I could think of from stories Cael told me of back when he and our parents lived there. Miserable as I was, I snuck into the first ship I could to get there. Once I did, I began hearing strange rumors."

"Of?"

"A strange structure that had risen out of the blue. Some were saying that it was much like those that had appeared in Parthevia and around the world."

Kouen didn't need to guess. Making a simply move of one of his bishops, he managed to check her. "A dungeon."

Ceara continued undisturbed by his interruption or move, much more focused on her story. "I overheard the people saying those dungeons contained immeasurable power, something beyond anybody's wildest imaginations. Powers known to do extraordinary things; things some even considered miracles."

Kouen watched closely as her eyes glazed over. Her hands closed around each other and her fingers began to dig into the heel of her palms, white surrounded by red forming from the pressure.

"A miracle was exactly what I wanted," she murmured, "no matter how stupid it sounded. So, like the idiot I was, I entered the dungeon with Cael's sword and the few supplies I had left from the journey and ended contracting the djinn inside."

"Murmur." Neither of them needed to verify what he said. But one thing did confuse him from such rushed explanation. "You captured Murmur at the age of eleven?"

His surprise didn't shock her, either because she didn't notice it or didn't care for it. Undoing the grip on her flesh, she took the hairpin from where she had laid it at her lap and stroke the flower again. This time, though, the gesture seemed much more conscious as if she were trying to qualm some sort of inner demon. The action itself contrasted greatly with the meek smile that came to her, calm yet troubled all the same. The two emotions bled into each other, changing her expression to one of cool nonchalance. She was trying to hide.

"He convinced me not to hate death or want revenge. He said I shouldn't taint the love they had left me with my ill will. I understood somehow even through my sadness. In the end, I made a promise: I vowed I would use him only to protect, never to kill."

Either daring or helpless, Ceara took her queen between her fingers and moved her to take a knight and rook from him, leaving it defenseless in the process. Kouen saw the move for what it was: risky but necessary.

"It's a promise I have kept to this day. Murmur said that he recognized his virtues in me; I never figured what he meant, though."

Mention of her third djinn made his mind wander back to Magnostadt. Her pledge to summon it made him recall of the other two she possessed and to what her djinn represented about her.

Vainglory and Champions.

Nature and Ferocity.

Innocence and Martyrdom.

Each suited her one way or another. Those traits described parts that made her whole, the good and the bad. Especially the last one.

"Innocence and martyrdom: they suit that trait of yours," he added.

Unable to understand, her nose scrunched this time out of confusion. "Trait?"

"That unconditional affection you give to others." It sounded corny to his own ears but he couldn't find any other way to describe it. What he had seen of her any time she was with her siblings, with Kouha or Kougyoku, with Seijin, with his own Household Members, with Koumei, even to some degree, he believed, with himself. Her affection—be it out of respect, familiarity, or sheer kindness—was earned but after it had been it was akin to the very air they breathed.

Always present and never faltering.

A laugh came from her light like it had been when she recounted her times with Kohaku. Kouen's brow furrowed though unable to comprehend what had been comical. Seemingly wanting to appease his confusion, she shook her head and waved her hand dismissively. "It's just that you've never called it anything other than a folly. Hearing you call it a 'trait' for some reason—"

"You find that amusing?"

"Plenty," she admitted, a chuckle bubbling as she tried to control herself with a clear of her throat.

He hadn't. Not when he was being truthful for once.

Despite keeping his guard at knowing her previous lies, he couldn't help the serenity that he had come to expect from her presence. Although it had been far from peaceful when they first met, he had to admit that she brought a sense of calm after they had become comfortable with each other's company. He found her nature quite aggravating at times because of how extremist she was. She could show affection with the same intensity that she showed hatred, loyalty, or grief. Yet all the same he found that effortlessness to express herself compelling. To his surprise he couldn't keep such sentiment to himself.

"It's proven its worth." Ceara's laughter died at his stern tone, her eyes coming to meet his blankly. "It makes you loyal and powerful yet fragile all the same."

He couldn't dismiss the quizzical light in her eyes. "That is—I don't understand how that makes sense."

This back and forth was getting lengthier than he anticipated at first and her lack of understand was also running his already thin patience low. Deeming an example much simpler to explain and to understand, he chose one. "You're a diamond-edged sword. Used correctly, you are a massive weapon able to fend of anything in your way. Used wrong, you will shatter under the gentlest wisp of air."

Clarity shone in her eyes but her expression shadowed instantly. "I disagree." The answer was curt and short, and he could see why she would give such reply. After all that had happened, what still remained to come was looming ever closer threatening to encroach and engulf her. A month would go by in an instant and broken as she was now it was evident to Kouen that this diamond sword was close to her breaking point.

It was apparent that it wasn't just him that needed to forget about duty for a while. Kouen sat back, leaving the game for a moment, as his mind came with the one question she had still to answer.

"How was it that Reizei Kohaku died?"

A bitter grimace immediately fell upon her at the query. A hand of hers brushed through her hair anxiously as she placed the hairpin back in place. With nothing else to hold, her nails began digging again onto her flesh this time biting and dragging lines of red at her palm. Kouen clicked his tongue at seeing this and rose from his sit to reach over. His large hand dwarfed both of hers in his hold, her eyes wide staring back up at him.

"Don't."

A whispered apology came and she separated her hands, letting him sit back down. "Force of habit," she rectified as she rubbed at the scratches. "Pain distracts me." She shook her head before smiling, the emptiness returning and the gesture not reaching her eyes anymore. "I'll do my best to stop."

She was proving to be more trouble than he expected. Distractions; now he understood the reason for the game. Not wanting for any further self-harm, he made his move and a knight fell to one of his bishops.

As if threatened, she sunk back into her sit, hugging her legs to her chest as her eyes and mind became lost watching the board and the tiny pieces still left.

---

"Back when Kou had just been established thirteen years ago, do you remember the attack that struck the Reizei estate?"

Her question was only to delay the conversation but if she had to start anywhere it would be wise to know what he knew about that incident. Kouen's aloof expression didn't change—not like it had during their whole one-sided conversation—but Ceara did notice the scrutiny as he searched for an answer.

"Yes," he replied matter-of-factly. "It had been an ambush in the middle of the night, one that left a good number dead. And if I recall correctly, it was an attack by a foreign force and they burned the estate to the ground."

Ceara nodded at that description. It certainly left some things up for debate but at least records didn't steer too much from the truth. The fact that it had been attacked by 'foreign forces' and had burned down weren't wrong. It was why the Reizei family had gone to live in the Imperial Palace for a year over a decade ago. Emperor Hakutoku had wanted his oldest friend and ally, along with his family, to be secure from any that might pursuit such ambush further.

But by then, all had been set in stone.

"In fact—" Ceara lifted her gaze to watch as Kouen sank into a thoughtful posture, his back straightening and sight searching far off. "Witnesses claimed to have seen some of the soldiers that had attacked: soldiers of white being killed but not bleeding and disappearing without a trace."

Hearing the description of Murmur's power made her stomach turn. Aldundina Almarida—the same magic she had casted to summoned the dolls that drew back the Medium back in Magnostadt—were nothing but her control over the rukh of the dead. Hundreds upon thousands that she had collected and bid her will upon…just like the specters from Murmur's dungeon.

A light of recognition came to Kouen's eyes an instant later, narrowing on her. "You attacked the Reizei Household thirteen years ago?"

The accusation hit her harder than she thought it would, moreso coming from him, but she was quick to dispel what clear-cut conclusion he had come to.

"I-I hadn't meant to," she countered but stuttered, rendering her objection mute in her ears. Nonetheless, she continued wanting to clear his erroneous assumptions. "That night, I overheard General Koujiro planning to send off a vanguard of conscripts to the southwest for the continuing expansion to the west."

The memory ignited remnants of her anger. Even after their countries had been united, there was no peace. Cael's dream of wanting her to live and grow in the peaceful nation their sacrifice created died with him with nothing being done to stop the nonsensical violence. The establishment of Kou hadn't been enough—Emperor Hakutoku wanted to continue expanding, continue conquering.

"They wanted to expand and more young men—boys like Cael ripped from their homes and loved ones—would die." Her stomach turned again, her palms clammy and the feeling of Murmur's chained scythe still palpable in her fingers. Her mind struggled to decide whether she wanted the feeling to leave or remain and in the end simply grasped at empty air, making fists with her hands. "I couldn't let that happen again." Taking a deep breath, Ceara attempted to relax but was unsuccessful. The anger was still there, crawling under skin raising the hairs at the back of her neck. "I headed to the barracks that night, and even when I had only just managed to djinn weapon-equip Murmur, I knew there had to be something I could do."

"You attacked the barracks."

His answer told Ceara that he was following her jumbled train of thought just fine. He knew like she had back then that if she would have destroyed the barracks, possibly even run some soldiers out and mildly injure them, they'd be unfit to participate in battle. In her childish mind, it was the better option. Rather they be injured than dead.

She reached out to take a knight in her fingers to move it but when she felt a throb of an increasingly painful headache, she unconsciously reached up to massage the pain from her temple. The beige knight stabbed at her head and Ceara quickly released it, the piece clattering against the board clashing against other pieces and ruining the game. Frustration came out of her in a long, heavy sigh and instead of fixing the game, she clung her legs closer to her body with one hand while rubbing at the side of her head with the other.

It hurts.

The throbbing only grew as she thought more about it but she forced herself for once and continued. "I tried but…things went wrong."

Much like they've done before.

Murmur's warmth and soothing words echoed in her head as she struggled to remember that night, but not even he could qualm the emotions that ran rampant even now. "I resented that no one had tried helping Cael like I was doing for strangers. That anger triggered the empty shells created by Aldundina Almarida to act. They're nothing but extensions of my mind taking form with the rukh of the dead, they act from what orders I give, conscious or not."

"You couldn't have stopped them," Murmur reminded her.

She knew. And perhaps the fact that she had unknowingly sentenced so many to die that night was the true horror of what she had done. They were innocents she had judged and had called for their execution.

The soldiers only followed orders.

Dread and guilt sank hard into her stomach, a ball of heavy lead sitting and poisoning her from the inside, as she shrunk even further into her chair, wishing to disappear as her mind rushed through what she could remember. Ceara scanned the board in front of her, the only distraction left even in its state, her eyes fleeting rapidly back and forth as if searching for an answer that wasn't there.

She was forcing herself to remember now and it was making it harder to do so. But no matter what she did, all she could recall were loud sounds, scenes that flashed behind her eyelids when she blinked, or harsh smells impregnated in her nostrils, but nothing concrete. Closing her eyes, Ceara searched through all the pieces she saw before finding one to focus on.

It was Kohaku, shouting for her.

"Ce—" The deep baritone sound of Kouen's voice, along with the sudden touch on her shoulder, wracked her brain at the sudden interruption. On instinct, she jumped out of her chair, toppling her chair as she untangled her feet from beneath her. She began falling back and out of fear reached out luckily taking hold of Kouen's arms. Standing up, she could feel herself panicking, the loud thud of the chair clattering to the floor making her jump in her skin.

It sounded like wood breaking under pressure. Crackling from fire. Panicking screams of people running. Kohaku shouting her name. Kohaku's body and Ceara's tiny hands holding the dying girl in her arms.

Her hold tightened at recognizing the few instances from the plethora of fragments, her fingers digging into fabric as she grasped desperately at Kouen's arms. A muffled voice called out to her—Kouen's—but she couldn't answer. The commotion that echoed incessantly in her head didn't let her make out anything of what he said.

There was no need to, though. She felt his touch, warm against her chilled body, as he walked her to a windowsill and sat her at the edge. She felt the solid form of it but for a second had to look around to remind herself of where she was. Warmth came to her shoulder and made her gaze up to meet dark crimson irises specked in gold.

En?

The sudden focus allowed her ears to clear from the voices in her head. "You're not there," he said, repeating the same phrase a few more times. "You're alive; you're here."

I am?

That's right. She wasn't at the Reizei estate. This place wasn't ablaze. Kohaku didn't need her help. Kohaku was already dead.

The facts that ran through her head dampened the noise in her head to a low ringing. They were there but quietly at bay. It wasn't until she could hear her own breathing that she blinked and looked down at her hands still grasping tightly to his arms making him bend down somewhat as she sat on the windowsill. Feeling how strong her grip was, Ceara slowly released it as she stared blankly at her hands.

They're not small. She ran her hands down his arms, wanting something secure in case she lost it again, but stopped as her hands came to his. They were bigger than hers but both were larger than the ones she remembered holding Kohaku's dead body. They're grown. She felt the pressure in her chest ease as she took long breaths. The panic ebbed the more she took deep breaths, shaky as they were.

"My king?" Beleth's, Marbas', and Murmur's voices mingled and bled into each other, their concern more than obvious from her little episode.

"I'm okay," she said to them and to Kouen. "I—I think I'll be fine…for now."

Kouen took his hands back and Ceara hated how much she felt his absence. Wandering back to his desk, he straightened the chair that she had thrown before going for the pieces of the game that had fallen.

Nothing but the sound of him as he went about came to her ears. She didn't speak; neither did he force her. There was a quiet agreement of ceasefire after the unexpected episode. Her thoughts wandered, the noise still resonating at the back of her mind, as she recalled having them when she was younger. Back when she had just taken Kohaku's place, night terrors woke her early or didn't let her sleep at all. They were torture and often appeared too real not to be. She had outgrown them, only having them the rare times Masami's punishments reminded her too much of something, or so she taught. Never had something as simple as a question or touch provoked her like it had a few minutes ago.

"We have a month to do this." The sudden break of the silence she heard with those words made her turn to Kouen as he stood before her. His eyes were fixated on her as he continued. "Forcing you to the point where you suffer a panic attack won't help either of us. Go rest."

No.

The tight hold she managed to take on his sleeve made him stop in the middle of his leaving. His eyes stared down at her while she stared at her hold on his sleeve. "No," she repeated, "I want to go on."

Despite the terrifying episode she had just suffered, Ceara felt a tinge of relief amongst the pain and panic. Telling someone about who she was and what had happened felt relieving. The only other person she had ever told this to had died long ago but it had felt similar.

"The truth shall set you free, little one," Murmur explained, the buzz from the noise coming behind his words.

But unlike Hakuyuu, Kouen asked when things were unclear. Hakuyuu offered solace; Kouen offered clarity.

I need that.

"Can I…continue?"

Her question went unanswered for what seemed an eternity and for a moment she thought Kouen would just outright refuse her. To her surprise, however, he just sighed and walked to the other side of the windowsill and took a sit. While she faced the study with the window to the outside gardens at her back, Kouen sat to face her with one leg propped against the pane while the other reached to the floor below.

"I'm listening."

Ceara nodded once, her arms coming to hold herself as a chill ran down her spine when she laid back against the window.

"I ran back into the estate when I saw the fire the soldiers started. I couldn't dispel them, no matter how hard I tried and undoing my equip did nothing." Thinking back about it, she remembered Murmur telling her how the soldiers functioned. They were an attack hard to control and wouldn't disappear unless forcefully disbanded or destroyed, or if her magoi ran out. The latter happened much too late. "I ran searching for Kohaku and found her crying, searching and shouting for her sister and parents. I didn't think—I took her hand and dragged her behind me to look for a way out."

She let go of her arms but stopped shortly when she tried digging into her hands. Instead she occupied her hands elsewhere, brushing her fingers through strands of her hair.

"There was no way out," she said. "What's worse the specters were coming after Kohaku. I fended off as many as I could with Murmur's scythe. But I was tired. I didn't see…"

A pause came before her whole body began to shiver as she curled into herself and away from the window. Not wanting to face the floor, she turned to the side to face Kouen. Unfortunately, his gaze was lost to the outside garden. Tucking her legs closer to her body and leaning her chin on her knees, Ceara followed his line of sight to watch the night that had come sooner than she had expected. Outside the leaves drifted down in the evening breeze, dew glimmering in the moonlight. For a moment, she forgot they weren't in Rakushou. For a moment, she imagined herself back in the palace with the twins, Seijin, Kouha, and Kougyoku. That calmed the growing turmoil in her mind.

As sad as it was, the time she spent there had been the most blissful and tranquil time she ever had. And soon those times would be spiteful to remember when she found herself without them.

Because once this is known, I'll lose them all.

At least someone will know her side of the story. That itself brought a small semblance of comfort and enough strength to resume. "I heard Kohaku yell my name just before she pushed me and I tumbled out of the way. When I turned, all I saw was Kohaku's—" Ceara gulped as her hands crawled to her abdomen, a pain hitting her at the mere thought. "One of them pierced her." Ceara shook her head as her hands scratched at her temple as she struggled to recall the scene.

She felt Kohaku push her and heard her scream cut short. She turned to find her pierced through the stomach in her place, a soldier standing behind her.

"E-Everything's muddled after that." Taking a deep breath, she let her hands fall from her hand and went back to staring outside, ignoring how badly they were shaking. The darkness from the gardens contrasted much with the orange-yellow glow she remembered from the fire or the translucent white of the specters. "I r-remember running to her. I remember holding her."

Her eyes wandered down as she opened her quivering palms; they were clean but she could spot, even now, where the blood had stained them. No matter how many times she cleaned them, she couldn't rid her mind of the image. The sight of Kohaku weak and dying, her blood pouring, warm and thick in her hands as she tried stopping it from flowing.

"She was warm, she was shaking, her eyes were wide." Ceara could feel herself shivering as her hands shook faintly at first before it became more than noticeable. "I think…" her voice trailed off as she closed her hands, "she said she was glad…and cold. I screamed and I—…I passed out."

Drops fell to her closed hands, shocking her. Reaching her fingers to her eyes, she wiped away at the tears that had begun to fall without her knowledge. "I killed her," she confessed, "and I imprisoned her."

"She's gone back." Kouen's reminder is stern but gentle at the same time and it shocked Ceara to hear those words from him. "All did when you released them back in Magnostadt."

Blinking a couple of times, she nodded. Out of habit, she asked Murmur to reassure her of what they all knew.

"She's gone, little king. All of them are."

The assurance calmed her but also stung deeply. The tears fell more at that reminder. Wiping them away, she took a few deep breaths to calm herself. "When I woke up, Masami was there by my side. I tried speaking but my throat and lungs burned." Her hands reached to it feeling the scar but knowing that it hadn't been that which prevented her from speaking. "The smoke I had inhaled had caused damage; I couldn't talk for a while. Not even when she kept calling me Kohaku. I knew I had to tell the truth and I had convinced myself I would the moment I regained my voice."

"You didn't."

That was more than obvious. "It was odd. When people thought I was Kohaku, they treated me kindly and lovingly. Koujiro and Lady Arianna called me their 'daughter,' Masami called me her 'little sister'."

I forgot…what it felt like to have a family, to have people who loved me.

"It came to the point that, even after I could speak again, I couldn't bring myself to tell them the truth," she whimpered. "I didn't want them to suffer like I had. Losing Cael had been the worst for me. I couldn't bring myself to cause them that same pain." Ceara's eyes closed as she leaned forward against her legs, "So I decided to keep Kohaku's death to myself to save them the pain. Better that I carry that burden myself than have them suffer for my mistakes."

Her fingers reached back to touch Murmur's Metal Vessel and felt his warmth like a shawl keeping her from the cold. "And I support your choice even to this day."

Taking one last deep breath, Ceara turned up to Kouen who was now looking at her with that same intense stare. She hadn't noticed when he had stopped looking to the outside but was glad she wouldn't have to catch his attention. "And, well, I made my choice." She gave him a small smile that barely tugged at the corners of her lips. "Thank you, Kouen, for listening so patiently."

She had lost count of how many times silence had come over them. By now, it didn't feel awkward anymore. It was just another part of how it had come to be between them. For once, she appreciated the quiet. It allowed her to think and realize that someone finally knew.

That truth held a lot. It terrified her, haunted her, but now it released her. If just for a little she felt herself breathe a little easier.

"Who else knows?"

Unconsciously, her body stiffened at that reminder. When she began shaking her head, she stopped at hearing Murmur.

"Tell him the truth, little king. Kohaku wouldn't want for you to suffer for what she already forgave you for."

Ceara nodded her head slowly, his words seemingly enough to convince her. "One other, but I can't tell you their name."

"How come?"

"I'd be risking the same secret I told you," she admitted. "You and the other knowing is manageable. But if either of you knew that the other does, then everything will be revealed whether I want to or not."

"You are making this much too complicated," he declared sternly. "This web you've built won't last forever. Secrets like these eventually rise to the surface—yours more so than any other."

Even she wasn't stupid enough not to see that. "But it'll give me time."

"Time for what exactly?" he asked, his voice slightly tinged in annoyance.

"To keep it away from Sousei and Suisei."

"Then when do you intend to tell them the truth?"

Her lips pursed, uneasy. "When I'm sure they'll be fine without me. Until I can make sure they'll be all right, I do whatever it takes."

It somewhat amused Ceara how much of Kouen she had seen in one night. The man had remained his usual nonchalant-self for the the majority of her exchange but somewhere along those lines he began to falter. Her anecdote had kept him enthralled enough for him to be lenient with himself. Even if only a little bit, she had seen a couple of emotions she had never seen from him before. They hadn't shown in his facial expression; they never did. But his actions spoke louder than his features ever did.

Moves he refused to take. Words he chose carefully before saying. Actions he took with a clear intent to help her. Despite what animosity had grown between them because of her lies, she couldn't deny that in a very peculiar way of his he cared.

"You're not afraid of them not being all right without you. What you're truly afraid of is that they will be."

What…?

Wide stark blue eyes stared back at him, astonished at such declaration. But her heart tore at hearing a truth she knew too well but ignored with every breath she took. Sousei and Suisei were the last good thing about her miserable life as Reizei Kohaku. She had grown caring for them as she knew Cael had for her; she taught them and grew with them. They were loyal to her as Household Members and as her siblings. But that loyalty was only skin-deep. When the moment came for them to find out the truth, they would leave her…just like everybody else had.

But this time it will be much worse because…I brought this upon myself.

---

Ceara of Ériú.

Kouen doubted that the woman in front of her remembered that name. By the way she so blankly stared at him, he could tell that much about her as Ceara. The woman understood by her sheer reaction to his statement what truly had her stranded, pleading for time. She was trying to protect where she believed she belonged.

After what she had told him, he could surmise as much. Being alone for so long, unable to substantiate her place in life or the people in it, she had grown lost. No place took her, no person claimed her, and the few who did died. Only people accepted her which explained her dependency on those who did. She anchored her existence on the relationships she had with others. Losing them to death was like losing a part of herself, but that was the kinder option when compared to them utterly rejecting her. If the latter were to happen and they knew of the truth and hated her for it, it would shatter her sense of belonging. If they didn't accept her, there was no place in the world for her to be.

It was easy for him to understand with this that Ceara never intended for her secret to be discovered. She had intended to take the secret to her grave to uphold whatever sense of self-preservation she had.

But now, if unconsciously, she sensed that self-preservation being threatened and was fighting to keep herself afloat. That was a losing battle, though, and he knew one when he saw it. A single person keeping a secret could work. The same couldn't be said about a group.

No one can keep to themselves for long.

His train of thought stopped short when he heard Ceara take a deep breath. He met her tired gaze and vacant blue eyes stared back. "I hope my answer was satisfactory."

"It was," he answered nonchalantly, "I understand what circumstances brought you here as well."

"Mm," she hummed, breathing deeply and brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. Her lips pursed as if wanting to say something and Kouen, not wanting anything to be left unsaid, urged her to speak if there were still things to be said. "It's more of a request," she admitted. The mention of such piqued his interest and allowed her to continue. "I know it may be too much to ask but could you possibly postpone whatever plans you have for my execution for as long as possible?"

"Execution," he repeated the word, feeling the thought somewhat souring his mood.

She nodded. "I came to terms long ago that if anybody were to know then I would surely be sentenced."

Listening to her reasons brought some clarity to her thought process. Legally speaking, yes, she had committed murder and not just any, either. She had caused the death of a Kou General's daughter. If word came out of what she had done, she would be executed.

However…

"There would be no merit in executing you." His words brought confusion to her and made her query what he meant by that which he answered. "You are a multiple Metal Vessel user and that in itself makes for a better counter argument in favor of pardoning your life. Of course, the condition of you swearing fealty to the Kou Empire and to our cause as Ceara of Ériú would be mandatory to consolidate your vow."

"But without a doubt, after you achieve your goals, the Reizei family will call for retribution," Ceara commented, her hand reaching up to her neck and fingers brushing against her scar. "It's only just."

"It would appear you and I have differing notions of justice."

"If so, then my respect for you has greatly diminished." The statement took Kouen somewhat by surprise. She could certainly be argumentative but she had never voiced her displeasure about others. At least not verbally which is why that outburst caught him unawares. "I have committed murder, treason, and impersonation; those are hefty grounds by themselves. Pardoning should be out of the question. You want to keep me alive to use me, fine; do it. But don't take away what's due to the Reizei family for what I've done."

"You search for appeasement where there is none," he explained. "All you want is to buy more time to achieve an impossible goal. You claim that you wish to protect them from the truth and avoid their resentment, but you can't have it both ways. You are fighting a losing battle and no one will go unscathed from it."

Her stark blue eyes glazed over contrasting much with her glare, her hands shaking as she gripped tightly at her skirts. A frown came to her before Ceara shook her head to clear it. "I don't care what happens to me. I love them too much to see them hurt because of me. They're my everything…and I would give anything to protect them." The animosity she had mustered disappeared in an instant. A crooked grin came to her lips as the unshed tears began to pool, "But they've made carrying this burden easier. With them, I have what I did with Cael and Kohaku. But—" the tears finally fell as her voice cracked, "it'll always haunt me that they love the idea of who I pretend to be, not who I am. I've already been hurt enough, so I can deal with more pain—they shouldn't be subjected to the same because of me, though."

Despite her roundabout logic and the jumbled ideas, Kouen could understand what she meant. She cared enough about them that what befell her was insignificant but at the same time they were what she had pined for: a family to love her. Her mentality didn't change reality, though. The course of action she was dead set on taking would inevitably destroy her as dependent as she had grown.

Her goals contradicted each other. No matter what course she took, they would all suffer from this secret when it surfaced.

But that doesn't mean the pain can't be ameliorated.

"I will not back down," he confessed after a quiet moment stretched between them.

"You're an idiot." Kouen felt a small tick at his jaw from the childish jab. Regardless of how genuine it sounded, he knew it was meant to instigate him. Masochistically, she wanted to be punished for what she had done. Certainly, guilt brought that upon her. But he knew better than to fall for such childish attempts.

"Regardless of your opinion, I stand by my decision." Kouen straightened as he could in his position and stared her down as she glared at him. "I will not condemn you based on actions you took as a child. You have grown to suffer through the consequences of your actions alone; that is a life sentence of its own you will not escape."

Action, or the lack thereof, created guilt where there was a difficult choice to be made. If he knew anything about it, guilt drew people to extremes as it almost drew him to after he returned from conquering Astaroth. He had been absent from the fire that overtook the palace close to a decade ago and anger and resentment almost drove him to attack those responsible. But he refrained after a mind full of grief and anger had dulled and he could think rationally once more. He couldn't go against them no matter how much he wanted to avenge the Emperor and princes. Instead, he nested both that regret and evil amid their country to better use them until the day came where he would rid himself of them.

That day certainly fell well into the future but he would make certain that it came. In a way, he understood how regret could poison her so easily. Unlike him, she had lost everything through her own choices and that made the guilt that much heavier to carry. Regardless of how the future treated her, she would carry that regret for the rest of her life as he knew he would carry his.

"A child like you that knew nothing of the power she carried or how fickle her own emotions were shouldn't be liable for actions you now regret." Her disbelief was clearly etched on her face, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. "When the truth comes out, I will waive your execution sentence as I previously stated if you vow loyalty to the Imperial Family as well as to our cause."

The confusion and anger her eyes had for most of that exchange simmered out like a small ember being doused. The gleam of light never left them, though, and simply softened as a crooked smile curved her full lips upward. "I couldn't possibly vow to your family more than I already have even if I wanted to," she told him softly. Her eyes came down to her hands as she wrung them. "You've all grown on me much like my own has."

"Very well." Kouen sat back as his mind rushed through what other things were still left to be discussed. Despite his promise in exchange for the truth, and apart from the few discrepancies he wished to talk about, one problem still plagued his thoughts. But it could be fixed with one small arrangement. "In addition, I would also like for you to make a more personal agreement."

"Personal in what way?" she asked curious.

"Tell them the truth." Instantly, the color drained from her face and her eyes widened like a small rabbit caught in a predator,she sight. Before she could form any coherent thought to refuse, he spoke, "I'm not asking for you to do so now. Thirteen years of keeping this secret will not allow such thing, of that I'm certain. But you cannot go on covering the sun with your finger like you've done so far." That fearful expression didn't leave her and instead grew with his words.

The idea itself had never crossed her mind it seemed and it didn't surprise him. All her efforts had gone to hiding the truth for as long as possible, not confront the situation. But passively approaching this as it was would not work anymore, he was sure for that, and Ceara needed to understand this.

"Some of us know already and from what you said, only I and another know the whole truth," he commented, collected for the two of them. "Rest assured, I will keep my word, but even if I order them to, I cannot be as confident about what others will or won't do. Your little glass case has begun cracking. It's only a matter of time before it collapses on you."

"And I'll be ready for that when it happens." At her answer, Kouen shook his head.

She's still running.

"That is exactly what I'm warning you against," he said. "Don't let it come and catch you off guard. Make the first step and manage what happens as you let it come to you."

Offense was the better defense. In her case, it was more than true. If she let this spiral out of control, it would strike her hard. If she controlled it instead, she would be prepared for whatever came at her own discretion.

But the mere idea seemed to disheartened her. Ceara shrunk back into her sit, wrapping her arms tightly around legs as her eyes averted from his. "I can't" was all she whispered before shutting her eyes. "I'm not ready."

He sighed at hearing this. "I understand what afflicts you now."

"...what is it?"

"It is difficult to explain," he began as he let his head fall back against the wall. "What I can tell you definitively is that you need to learn to detach your existence from that of others." The scrunch of her nose and furrowed brow made it even clearer to him that this would be harder to explain to her more than anybody.

Ceara of Ériú had incurred a blindness unto herself the moment she became Reizei Kohaku. Illustrating his point to her on this matter would certainly be like describing the wonders of the world to a blind man.

But he would try.

"You are your own person, with or without them, Ceara." Hearing her own name made her blink furiously as that blankness disappeared from her gaze. She met his then and listened intently like a small child. "You exist and belong because of what you've accomplished. Perhaps their well-being might have been on your mind which gave you purpose but you yourself took on the challenge. It's your strength and perseverance that has brought you to where you are now. That's who you are and to where you belong."

"I don't—" She shook her head vehemently a few times before averting her gaze. "What you're telling me is hard to grasp."

Blind man.

The world as it was to him would be hard to explain when she never experienced it. It wasn't impossible, though, but first he needed to assure himself that this wouldn't be time wasted.

"Do you wish to understand?"

"You say this will help?" she asked instead.

Kouen nodded. "If you learn to understand it might lessen this burden of yours. It could even allow you to find a more plausible solution to what is to come when Sousei and Suisei find out."

That reminder dampened the small hope she had mustered but something else outweighed it as her blues eyes shone scared but determined. Perhaps this wouldn't be as much of a lost cause as he first thought.

"T-Then…I'll try even though…I don't like it."

She could very well be as selectively blind as she was mute. But only time would answer that question. So long as she was willing, he would aid her.

A dry laugh caught his attention as he looked at Ceara wiping away at her face with the heels of her hands. "I don't understand how you remain so trusting of me. I lied about Murmur and who I was. Were it me, I'd be livid."

"I am." The abrupt halt of her hands told him that she was caught off guard by that. He wasn't going to lie to make her feel better, though. Pity wasn't something she would ever get from him. "But I came to know you for your actions. Names or titles hardly linger in my mind; actions speak much louder than words and that is what I base my decisions were others are concerned. Yours have spoken volumes. You took in a slave from Rakushou into your household, those under your command have been outspoken about your leadership, you rashly and selflessly care for those that can't help themselves, and you've shown you care for my siblings as you do yours; such actions have related to me how tenacious, hotheaded, candid, and passionate you are." He sighed, audibly, and closed his eyes briefly, "Frankly, you are an outlandish woman."

And a true memorable sight to witness.

Her chuckle this time wasn't dry but instead held the same lightness from before. Kouen could tell she was slowly regaining some confidence simply by the shine in her eyes or the sound of laughter.

"I think I heard a compliment somewhere in there," she jested, smiling.

"You're imaging things," he rectified.

"My apologies then." Unfurling from her little cocoon, Kouen moved slightly to the side not bothered as Ceara stretched her legs outward. Resting his arm against the windowpane, he brought one leg closer to himself to leave space for her. "I can more or less see what you meant to tell me. It's still puzzling but I want to understand."

One of her hands came undone from around her legs and rested against the windowpane close to his. Despite her eyes closing on their hands as she shortened the small gap between their fingers, his remained on the small woman before him.

Fragile as a brittle, beaten flower, her roots steadily freezing under the unforgiving cold of an endless winter, but strong enough to withstand it if given the smallest ray of sunshine. She was beaten, distraught, and about to give in. All she needed was a hand to stop her from falling over the edge. And help was something he could provide.

A voice at the back of his head incessantly asked him one question over and over though.

Why go so far for one person?

He had no answer. Not until her fingers gently laid between his, just barely interlacing her small fingertips with his calloused ones. The touch was small and meek yet somewhat bold. He never cared before; everything had been out of obligation or merit and it still was. But even he could see the absurdity of his actions now.

Pardoning her would not come without cost.

And I shall carry that burden as she has hers.

If he would teach her, then he would teach through example. And to teach her this properly he would need to relearn who she was. This time he wouldn't be teaching Reizei Kohaku. This time Kouen would be teaching Ceara of Ériú.

"I..." Ceara lifted her gaze to meet his. In the faint moonlight that flooded through the window, her eyes gleamed as she gave him a small smile. "I don't want to run away anymore. It may not begin to describe my gratitude for the help your offering but for now it's all I can think of: thank you, En."

"You are helping yourself," he corrected but didn't undo the grasp of their fingers. "I am merely assisting you. This will be difficult but, I assure you, it is not impossible."

"Mm." Not sheepish in the least, she tilted her head to the side, "Do you mind if I stay here for a while?"

There was a small pause before he gave his answer. "I do not."

A smile spread evenly across her lips before she leaned in, her cheek resting upon her knees. "Thank you."

Kouen found himself tied to his sit as he himself laid back to rest in the peace and quiet that had developed after the long night. Like usual, her presence was calming and he found that the tension from the afternoon had lessened. A grand puzzle had just been solved for him and the result had been satisfactory. There were still a few pieces that didn't quite fit—that other person who knew which he had an inkling of, the poisoning she had suffered, or what she knew about the magi name Yunan—but those were questions that could wait for another day.

After all, they still had the better part of a month to talk. And between preparing her for when the twins returned to tell them and dealing with how they would poise her status from now on, they would have plenty to talk about.

---

A/N:

Still alive! Studying has hit like a truck with seven books I've got to finish before the end of June but I'm working on it. This chapter was supposed to longer but I decided to cut it short. So I had to compromise with about 32 pages.

Not much was planned for this part of the chapter so it didn't move the plot forward much. This was to clarify things from last chapter, give a proper backstory, and place a turning point for what's going to happen from this point onwards. It might have been a little too on the nose with how I put their relationship but I hoped you liked it. As always, if anything is confusing feel free to PM me.

Now is the time to thank the lovely people that have Favorited and Followed:
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Now I've got tons of things to do so I'll leave you lovely people with one last message. I appreciate every single one of you who favorite, follow, and review. You're the reason I keep writing and will always be. So give yourselves a pat on the back for being such a positive influence on my writing and work! My uploads after this might be a bit slower than usual but I'll keep working on it when I can. So for now I hope you enjoyed this chapter and stay tuned for the next update.