Silent Lamb

by xeveningx

In silence lay secrets that have haunted her for years and she's ready to give up everything in order to take them to her grave. At this point,there's nothing to make her waver.Or is there? In the end,it's her choice: unravel the truth and destroy everything she's come to love, or forever be the scapegoat and lose herself in the process? (Rated M for themes.)

10. The Reality of Nightmares

Chapter Ten

The Reality of Nightmares

---

The darkness swallowed her whole, the night's embrace a frivolous companion for a little girl. The usual quiet occasionally disturbed by the noises of nature, crickets chirping their ballads to the moon or koi nipping at the surface of their ponds for a late meal. But even through their veil, her muffled sobbing still rung through the hallways of the empty palace.

Ceara sat nestled against the bark of one of the largest oaks in the gardens. The flora surrounding her birthed its beauty with moonlight bathing them making the petals that fell from nearby peach trees glimmer like tiny gems. But Ceara saw no such thing in the night, her heart too heavy with melancholy to care of the beauty encompassing her. Instead, she sought solace in the night; the palace was empty, everybody asleep, which gave her the chance to finally relieve the emotions that had wanted to claw their way out of her chest all day.

Kohaku's tenth birthday had been today and as such the Reizei family had celebrated. In spite of arriving at Rakushou only a few weeks after the fire at their estate, Kohaku's family did not want such tragic event to incur negativity in them. To appease the anxiety that the family had gained from the incident, they had adamantly proposed the celebration, small as it had been, and all through it Ceara had fought hard against the tears that wanted to escape and drown her.

They had celebrated what would have been their daughter's—her friend's—tenth birthday.

At the thought resurfacing in her mind, Ceara couldn't hold onto the sob that escaped. Her small hand clamped down on her mouth at feeling it bubble, trying to suppress the cry uselessly while the other held tightly to her carnation hairpin. But she couldn't hold on forever; sobbing as gross as she had been, her nose was congested unabling her to breath through it. She had to open her mouth but every time she did another nasty sob escaped.

Apologies rang through her head as she wept and shrunk deeper into herself, holding even tighter onto the hairpin. Murmur's gentle voice echoed through her mind wanting to sooth her.

"Breathe, little one," he said passively. "You must or else you will suffocate."

It felt like she already was. Breathing was hard, her heart hammered painfully against her ribcage, and her head ached. Everything hurt and she was tired of the pain. Regardless of that, though, she still couldn't bring herself to tell the truth. Her voice had returned to her a week after the incident but she had yet to say anything. She played along liking the warmth and love they gave her. It made her happy but at night when she was all by herself was when the full weight of everything would hit her.

It wasn't real.

They didn't love her.

Everyone who did died.

It was why Kohaku had died.

The tears choked her again causing a guttural snort. Her hand came over her mouth and nose wanting the noises to stop but the urge to cry was too much.

"Kohaku?"

She turned at hearing the deep voice that called, not necessarily because of the name that it had called but more because it had startled her. Ceara's breath hitched as her head snapped up and fear clutched her heart to a dead stop—it was Ren Hakuyuu.

"P-P-Prin—" Her voice failed her overtaken as she was by her crying. Scrambling to her feet, Ceara staggered back and held onto her hairpin tighter than ever and closer to her racing heart.

Hakuyuu's brow knitted together in concern as he looked down at her, making his way to her. Ceara didn't want him close when she was like this. Not when she wouldn't be able to hold herself together for much longer.

"P-P-Ple—ase!" she hiccuped, shaking her head furiously back and forth. "S-Stay—aw-w-way!"

"Koha—"

"Please!" she cried. Her emotions and desire to be protected triggered Murmur, the eight-pointed star shining on the hairpin as his power surged through the gardens. The small magic that she casted rounded what little rukh remained from perished beings and managed to gather enough to create a stout soldier that sprouted from the ground in a mist of white.

The First Prince jumped back startled but not losing his concentration as he kept his bright eyes on her. Panic engulfed her at seeing the soldier, flashbacks running through her mind in a crazed frenzy. The memories still fresh, she cried and staggered back until she fell to a sit afraid of it all happening again.

No, she prayed in her head, please not again.

"It's all right." Hakuyuu's voice came softly to her ears and she blinked her tears away to see him. He stood undeterred despite the soldier that stood firmly between them blocking his path. One hand was raised at the wraith as if to keep it at bay while his eyes fleeted from it to her. There was no fear in his blue eyes, only concern. "I didn't mean to scare you." His eyes came to the eight-pointed star that still shone on Murmur's Metal Vessel. "Let's calm down," he proposed, stepping closer as Ceara's sobbing began to decline. Their eyes locked for a second before his sight went to the wraith and back to her. "Will you call it off?"

The thought of having no control struck her and brought fear back to her. "I can't," she wept. The soldier reacted, lowering its spear and aiming it at Hakuyuu. The young prince didn't flinch and instead stopped in his tracks, locking his eyes with her completely.

"No, don't be scared," he spoke softly, his gaze turning gentle as a warm smile tugged at his lips. "It's okay. Just calm down. Are you scared of me?" Ceara thought about it for a second but his gentle eyes calmed her, her grip on Murmur lessening somewhat. Not trusting her voice, she shook her head. "All right. That's good. Are you scared of hurting me?" The idea made her want to cry, her eyes glazing over. The soldier took a strained stance, its hold on its spear tightening but shaking. Hakuyuu caught this for a brief second. "Don't be. You won't hurt me."

"I c—an't control it," she wept.

"Yes, you can," he assured her. "Trust yourself. Ask it to leave."

Ceara's eyes wandered up to the soldier, taut yet shaky in its position. It hadn't worked before during the incident. They had killed and killed and nothing she said or did stopped them.

"They react to your emotional state, little king," Murmur told her. "The young prince is correct. If you request it of them, they will abide, but you must be calm."

She didn't want to kill anymore. She didn't want to break her promise again.

Her sobbing was still there even with the few deep breaths she took but she was more relaxed by taking them. "P-Please," she stuttered weakly. "Go. I'm—I'm okay."

The soldier remained standing and fear threatened to clutch at Ceara being unable to call the specter back. Repeating Hakuyuu's and Murmur's words, she pleaded in her mind holding her Metal Vessel. A couple of sharp but long breaths was what it took to calm herself down enough to be certain of her position. "Go." Her voice trembled but didn't lose conviction. All she wanted was for it to leave.

Finally, the soldier faltered and retracted its spear to stand still for a second before sinking into the ground into a pool of white fog that vanished with it. Tears stung at the corners of her eyes as she gawked at the empty space between them, incredulous. Letting out the breath she had unknowingly been holding, Ceara couldn't hold her tears back anymore. She was too tired and too afraid. Ren Hakuyuu had seen her use Murmur, after all, and she was sure the First Prince would be anything but lenient with a murderer like her.

The thought itself made her cry all the more.

A warm hand came to her shoulder and she recoiled back holding Murmur like the lifeline he was, but at lifting her gaze, she met his gentle eyes and warm smile. The sight baffled her.

"You—" Ceara flinched at how he said that. You—it sounded so...foreign. A shadow came over his eyes that tinted their gentleness. "Have a Metal Vessel, a djinn. You're a dungeon capturer." It wasn't an accusation, just a mere reaffirmation. The shadow left his eyes and Ceara saw the full weight of realization hit him. "Who are you?"

Who am I?

For weeks no one had dared ask that question, they all assumed. Despite them knowing, even if a little, about Kohaku's vassal, her little doppelganger, none had asked for reassurance. They had no reason too.

But Hakuyuu did the moment she used Murmur. Only one other in the whole of the Kou Empire was a known dungeon capturer: the first son of the Emperor's younger brother. Murmur, the one friend she had left, inevitably gave her away.

Ceara's lips trembled, her sobs threatening to overcome yet again. Hakuyuu came closer and knelt before her to place his hand over hers as they clamped onto the hairpin, the sheer force turning her knuckles white.

The heat coming from his body as he towered over her even as he knelt sent a shiver down her spine. Hakuyuu glanced down at her Metal Vessel, a grimace coming to his lips, as he wrapped his hands over hers.

"You're...Cael's sister." The mere mention of her brother's name made her tears pour over in silence, and the pitiable gaze he returned to her left her wide-eyed. "Ceara."

No. She shook her head vehemently in her feeble attempt to dispel the truth but his hold on her hands and Murmur's words broke her already weak resolve.

"It is all right, little one. Tell the truth," her djinn said soothingly. "No matter what may come I will be with you, of that you can be sure."

His loyalty and support along with Hakuyuu's caring gaze tore her completely and, unable to control herself, Ceara threw herself at Hakuyuu to hold him as she cried once more, pleading for forgiveness and weeping her apologies. The prince, caught off guard as he was, only held her, stroking her head as he would any of his upset younger siblings.

"There, there," he cooed as she wept onto his shoulder, Murmur's hairpin digging into his shoulder. "It's—" He caught himself and stopped. Ceara knew what would usually follow that sentence; she had heard it countless of times when Cael passed away.

It's going to be all right.

You'll be fine

It'll get better.

But it didn't. And after Kohaku, she doubted it ever would. The thought only deepened the hole she already felt in her chest. Wanting the security and comfort, she held on tighter not caring where Hakuyuu was taking her to now. By the time she had spent herself in tears she managed to gather her surroundings. As she sat in the middle of a plush bed, Ceara noted the huge room, spacey, and too decorated to be hers.

It was his.

She hiccuped and tried to speak through them. "W-Why—?"

"You seemed overwhelmed. Talking helps, I've found, but I need you to calm down first for us to talk."

Ceara shook her head. "N-Nothing to t-ugh...talk about."

"Don't, Ceara." She flinched at hearing her name. "I heard about you from your brother in passing conversations. May I call you Ceara?"

"That's not m-m-my name anymore," she stammered as she held back a croak. "I'm...K-Kohaku. S-So plea—se, don't t-tell any—body."

Hakuyuu's lips tightened to a grim line as he sat before her, his weight on the mattress making her small body sink closer to him. He reached out to pat her head but in fear she recoiled, trembling. Hakuyuu hesitated for a second before soothingly stroking her head and making her lift her head as she sniffled tears away, her stark blue eyes red and puffy.

"If I promise not to tell, can you tell me how this came to happen? Why Kohaku isn't here and why you have a djinn?"

With a heavy heart and dry throat, Ceara nodded unable to do much else. Afraid as she was, she also wanted for someone to know. This burden was too heavy for her alone, she figured that out the hard way, and it crushed her under its weight. If she wanted this to work, she couldn't break like this again.

But by telling him the truth she could be risking everything all the same. A part of her assured her though that she needn't worry, not with him. Hakuyuu reminded her a lot of Cael; they both seemed caring, strong, and understanding. If anything, she felt compelled to tell him and after a few more minutes of quiet hiccups and calm breathing, Ceara told him everything. He never once stopped her and merely rubbed her back when she felt like she would cry again. It shocked her how much she had cried but it didn't drag her story much. She finished well into early morning just as the dark night was beginning to change hue with the coming sunrise.

Ceara rubbed her tired eyes, her tears long having dried, and looked up at Hakuyuu. Pleas wanted to come out but she held her tongue quickly as the prince took a deep breath. He paused for a moment before sighing.

"You're alone?"

The moment she began to nod she stopped herself and held tightly to her hairpin. "I have Murmur."

Hakuyuu's hand came over hers to grip her hold. "But where everything else is concerned…?"

Ceara didn't want to answer the obvious and instead shrank into herself. "It's okay."

"It's not," he refuted with a heavy sigh. Ceara rubbed her eyes again as she watched him lean back and the sunrays began to sip in through the open windows. It was a hot morning. "This can't go on any further."

"No, please!" she exclaimed, jumping from her sit to him. "You can't tell anybody else!"

"I didn't mean it like that." His reply shocked Ceara as she sat back down and waited for him to continue. "If what you say is true—"

"It is," she protested angry.

"Then you won't bear this much longer by yourself," he finished, not minding her interruption. He gave her a smile that reached his eyes and Ceara could only stare wide-eyed at the sincerity that accompanied his words. "Let me help you."

"Help...me?"

Hakuyuu nodded and took her tiny hands in his with Murmur laying in her left palm. "You mustn't hide this. It is too cruel to keep their daughter's death from Koujiro and Arianna. Most of all, it is harsh on you to keep this facade."

"B-But I can't—I'm scared," she confessed.

A lopsided smile came to him at hearing this. "It's understandable but you don't have to be. Things aren't good but there's no reason for them to become worse. Let's work together and find a solution to this, all right?"

It didn't make sense. By all accounts, Ceara's mind knew that he was too optimistic about the whole thing. But a good part of her wanted to believe him and his words.

This could be solved. It wouldn't be better but they could try to not make it worse.

Ceara sniffled a bit before nodding. "O-Okay." Hakuyuu offered her a genuine smile and held tightly to her hands.

Too tightly.

Irrational fear crept up her spine sending alarms through her head. Instinctively, she tried pulling away but his hold was too strong. "Y-You're hurting me." Her eyes fell to their hands but at seeing them, Ceara gasped in horror.

His hands, they were melting away like wax and oozing through her fingers, trapping them in place. The fear tripled making her blood rush through her veins. Looking up, her eyes widened at seeing Hakuyuu's face beginning to melt as well as the whole scenario around her changed in the blink of an eye.

The room wasn't empty anymore. Countless of faceless shadows stood around them as a fury of flames spewed from the recesses of the place consuming the room in seconds. Fear and panic set quicker than ever as she hurried but failed to take her hands away from the melting corpse. The wax fell slowly shifting his once gentle smile into a macabre grimace; curiously, she could still hear his voice—a horrid mixture of tones—as the blaze began to lick at the bed's wood posts, the curtains of the canopy catching on fire in an instant.

"But things have gotten worse, haven't they?"

"Stop!" she cried, feeling the burn on her legs and crying out. The only place untouched by the flames was Hakuyuu's remnants but she refused to go near him, preferring the slow excruciating burn to being near him—it. She tugged harder, pleading with him to let go and with Murmur to act but neither listened. "Let go of me!"

He didn't and instead he kept talking."And now the world will know the truth. Sousei and Suisei will hate you, the people will crucify you, and all will cry for retribution." His hold tightened even more and Ceara cried out as his scalding touch corroded through her flesh, blistering and burning it as tears sprung anew this time from pain. "You will pay for your sin with death."

"No!" she shouted at the top of her lungs. "Kouen said he'd help! I believe he will!"

"Like Hakuyuu tried to?" The wax phantom cackled, the sound irritating to her sensitive ears. "You saw were that ended and you know that the same will befall Kouen for trying to help you. When will you learn? Those you love or that love you will die. Just end it, Speirr. Don't waste anymore lives on your wretched existence."

"He won't die!" she cried out with all her might despite the pain that scorched every part of her, inside and out. "I won't let it happen!"

"Then you're the biggest fool of them all. You will die just like before: scared, betrayed, and alone. None will save you from the penance you have to pay, Caritas. Not her nor Entei. No one will."

---

Her lungs hurt at the sharp gasp she took the moment Ceara opened her eyes. Petrified, she sprung upward and wrapped her arms around herself trying to extinguish the makeshift fire that still scalded her cold and clammy skin. Her eyes fleeted through the room searching for Hakuyuu, the wax corpse, or the blaze that had consumed the room but at finding none of them she found herself sinking to a sit.

A dream.

A nightmare.

Grabbing at her head, she tried remembering but all she felt was the cold sweat that ran all over her body. Despite how cold she felt, she could still remember the fire licking against her skin, the wax's tight hold on her hands, Murmur not answering.

Murmur.

In a hurry, she reached under her pillow and sighed as she took out all three of her vessels intact. Their worried voices flooded her mind and brought a slow calm to her racing mind. The dream that had started as a bittersweet memory had broken apart to an unbelievable horror of her own mind.

Sad to say though that this wasn't the first time. For the past few days since their return from Magnoshustadt, dreamless nights had been fitful and dreams had turned to nightmarish guilt trips of her own making. Either one resulted in sleepless nights that quickly began to take their toll. Five days into this insufferable routine she was already exhausted beyond belief and her days had been thrown awry as a result. During the day she found solace in the small naps she could find at the price of neglecting duties she otherwise would never skip; at night, her dreams negated her sleep and she found it better to just not sleep at all.

This was tearing her apart slowly but very effectively.

"You cannot continue like this," Beleth said. Ceara paid little attention as she sat back against the far wall that hugged one side of her bed. "You must rest."

"I can't," she deadpanned, her tone rising in irritation. "It's useless. Maybe it's right and it's better if I just—"

"Don't even dare finish that idiotic sentence!" Marbas blurted out, her voice cracking.

Ceara scoffed, a crooked grin coming at their protectiveness. "What's the use in faking this shit anymore," she admitted. "If they won't kill me, sleep deprivation and guilt surely will."

"They haven't before," Murmur said, much calmer than the other two. "What have you done before when this happened?"

When she couldn't sleep from the nightmares was back when the Reizei had spent the better part of a year in the Imperial Palace at Rakushou. They kept her up just like they did now. What did she do back then?

"I walked," she whispered to the emptiness of her lackluster room. Despite being a good size and not lacking in much commodity-wise, she could still feel the emptiness that dragged the room to the ground. It trapped her, held her down. Freedom had been a hallmark of her childhood and feeling that freedom, even if imaginary, helped at times to clear her mind of nihilistic thoughts that came. "Anywhere I could and as far as my feet could take me."

"Then go," Murmur replied.

Yeah, it sounds nice.

Her rationale quickly stepped in to intervene. "The guards." She had forgotten about them completely. Two stood outside her door in shifts. Despite their talk a few days ago, Kouen did not trust her fully yet and the detail at her back said as much. The ones that followed her during the day had been noticeably absent, however, but she guessed that Seijin sufficed. Ceara wasn't as blind as Kouen took her for; she knew that Seijin was sending him information about her. Whether it was good or bad, she couldn't possibly know, but surely the young boy gave enough to Kouen to put him at ease during the day.

The obstacle still stood just a few feet outside her door, though.

Beleth chuckled in his throat. "That is easily dealt with, my king."

Knocking them out with sound magic would be good but a little too conspicuous. Then again, they wouldn't remember and think they had fallen asleep. Deciding on that, Ceara took a shawl for the mildly cool night before coming closer to the door. Her ears heard them just on the other side, shuffling in their boots as they worked to remain awake for their shift. Tired already? Good, it'd make Beleth's job easier. Taking her pen by the feathered-end, she tapped the metal against a nearby metal lamp. The sound reverberated through the air and came to her ears but she knew that the sound was low enough for anyone aside from herself to hear. Waiting a few seconds was all it took before she heard two loud thuds coming from outside.

"Thank you, Bele," she said before opening the door and treading outside. Like she thought, the guards were out cold and sprawled on the floor. Not good. It'd be too obvious that she used her djinn to go out. An idea quickly came and using Marbas' strength to pick them up, she propped them well against their weapons or nearby wooden posts. "Good enough," she muttered before wrapping the shawl closer to herself and walking away.

The palace in Balbadd was still pretty much foreign land to her. The only place she knew by heart was Kouen's private study and the dining room but other than that the hallways were unfamiliar and the dark of the night didn't help. The shadows that danced against the light of the torches spread about creating shadows too reminiscent of the ones from her dreams. The fear drove her out from the hallways and to one of the larger gardens of the estate. There the moonlight shone brightly and allowed no such shadow people to terrorize her.

Then again, it hadn't been just them. Finding a good spot under a distinct floral tree, she glanced up at the species that had to be indigenous to Balbadd. The flowers budding were a creamy white with veins spreading through of a blue color. Their scent was mild but sweet like lavender and helped calm her. As she sat down with her back against the trunk of the tree, she felt the breeze that passed by. Ceara held onto strands of her hair as the breeze blew, taking with it petals of white and blue that fell on the surface of the pond that stood some feet away. The petals touched the water surface creating ripples and playing with the moon's reflection.

Fresh air. Cool breeze. Sweet flowers. And the soft beating of wings.

Even in the quiet veil of night, her ears could hear the soft drum of the rukh's wings as they hovered about the place. Their presence calmed her more than anything despite being unable to perceive or touch them. She heard them, though, and as far as Ceara was concerned that was enough.

At least you haven't abandoned me.

Neither them nor her djinn ever had. It was nice knowing that even when the world attacked her relentlessly there was still a part of it that stood by her side. No matter how broken she might be.

Her head heavy and eyelids drooping, Ceara shook her head and the sleepiness away determined to remain awake. Glancing back at the pond she figured it would be enough to keep her up. Stripping her feet of her shoes, she scooted closer to the water and dipped her feet in faster than she could think while holding the skirts of her nightgown away from her legs.

The freezing water sent shivers up her body creating goose flesh across her exposed legs. It woke up her all right and leaving them there seemed better than exposing them back to the cool night air.

I'll deal with that when I pull them out.

But as her body accustomed to the temperature, her mind began to wander. A month was all she had left to prepare herself before the twins arrived from the Tenzen Plateau. In a short month she would have to understand this 'backwards thinking' that Kouen had described she was so adamant in holding onto. Ceara was glad that despite the estrangement, Kouen was still willing to help her. It amazed and perplexed he, but she appreciated the thought deeply all the same.

It baffled her how he could be so understanding. But perhaps 'understanding' wasn't enough to explain what his help meant to her. Kouen understood and beyond that attempted to clarify things for her. He saw the error of her ways—something she clearly saw as well but in a completely different light than him—and went a step further to try and explain them.

Kouen's words had given her the hope that perhaps not all was lost. That perhaps some things were still salvageable among this wreckage that had become her live. A part of her even wanted to believe that he saw her as redeemable.

And I want to see what is it he sees worth saving.

"Anegimi."

Turning at the faint voice that called her, Ceara locked gazes with Kougyoku's magenta eyes. The young girl was dressed in night clothes with a shawl draped around her shoulders, her long red hair falling down her back, and her eyes staring at Ceara. Almost immediately, Ceara rushed to stand, taking her feet out from the pond and letting her skirts fall before bowing.

"I apologize," Ceara said, head bowed low. "I did not mean to startle you, princess. Excuse my rudeness." Intent on leaving, she spun on her heels ready to sprint back to her room but before she could even take a step away, Kougyoku's dainty hands wrapped around one of her wrists stopping Ceara in her tracks.

"W-Why are you being like this?" Kougyoku mumbled.

Ceara didn't want to answer. Even five days after Magnostadt, she had only been in constant contact with a handful of people: the twins, Seijin, and Kouen. The ban notwithstanding, Ceara knew that those who'd witnessed what happened in the battlefield that day could infer enough from what they had seen. Koumei and Hakuei already showed their distance; despite his help, Kouen had reverted back to some semblance of aloofness as well.

Kougyoku shouldn't be any different. As such Ceara should show her the respect she deserved as the Eighth Princess of the Kou Empire. But the question the young princess threw her way made that resolve waver. It would be almost a year now that they had befriended one another and she had enjoyed that. It felt good to have friends, something she hadn't wanted since Kohaku. Something that eluded her ever since.

With Kougyoku, Kouha, Seijin, Koumei, Hakuei, and even Hakuryuu, she had that. They were all different and in spite of her odd approaches, they saw it fit to befriend her. And those friendships grew by themselves into different experiences that were now toppled and destroyed by her own hand.

"Answer me, please." Kougyoku's plea tore at her chest. "Why have you not spoken to me?"

"Kouen forbids it," Ceara replied going for the safest answer. "I'm not trustworthy to be around anymore. Not after what's been found."

"What?" Kougyoku cried and turned up to frown at Ceara as she glanced over her shoulder to stare at the young princess. "That you're not really who you say you are? So what?"

"What do you mean 'so what'?" Ceara asked, turning fully to face her as the grip on her wrist remained. "Kougyoku, do you really not understand how bad I've deceived you all? The lie I've told and what it implies?"

"Yes, I do," she replied as her cheeks flushed red in anger and annoyance. "You're not Kohaku. You're not Masami-san's, Sou's, or Sui's real sister. But that doesn't matter."

A sigh escaped her at what Kougyoku understood and what by default she failed to see. The girl only had half the story and that would be pretty much the extent of everybody else's knowledge with the exception of Kouen. They would know that she's not Reizei Kohaku, not that she killed the young girl when they were children.

"You know why?" Kougyoku cried, her eyes shining in the moonlight. "Because you are no different from Kouha and I."

"Kouha and you?" she repeated, puzzled.

"Exactly," Kougyoku continued with a strong yet quivering voice. "Kouha and I...we're related to Kouen onii-sama and Koumei onii-sama by our father but the relationship we have with them now is nothing compared to what they have to one another. I could never get along with my other sisters, either. We were family but we were never united, and what I have now with my older brothers took much longer to be than I would have wished. But you—" she sniffled audibly and raised one hand to wipe messily at her face. "You and Sousei and Suisei aren't like that. Even if they don't know who you are, you loved them all the same. You never let that love falter. I've been envious of that ever since you returned but now—I...I'm angry that you're throwing that away so easily after what's happened."

"Throwing it away?" Ceara shook her head vehemently and closed the gap between them to lift Kougyoku's face with her hands. "No, Kougyoku, I would never do that. I love them just as much as I love you and Kouha and Hakuryuu and every one of your brothers."

"Then why haven't you talked to us!" she cried out in anger, her voice raising and making Ceara flinch as the high pitch reached her delicate ears. "Why haven't you talked to them!? They should know—they deserve to know the truth!"

"I can't, Kougyoku!" the shouted surprising both of them and making the young princess flinch. The resolve from before completely shattered at the truth that Kougyoku had shouted. One she didn't want to accept. Ceara stopped herself and took a short breath to calm her own annoyance before saying what really bothered her. "I'm scared of them, of what they'll think, of what they'll say."

Of what they will inevitably do.

Kougyoku's magenta eyes widened at hearing this, her lips falling slightly agape. Her flushed cheeks made her pale skin bright in the moonlight and the glaze over her eyes made Ceara want to kick herself. This wasn't what she wanted; she never wanted to hurt anybody.

"I'm sorry," Ceara apologized genuinely, letting go of Kougyoku's face. "I shouldn't have yelled—"

"Kouen onii-sama told me that it's okay to be afraid." Kougyoku's words brought Ceara's attention back to the young princess as her eyes wandered to her own hands as one still held onto her wrist. "Back when I was to leave to capture Vinea, I was scared out of my mind. I had trained and perfected my swordplay for years but I was still afraid. When I told him this, he...he said that it was natural for me to feel fear. But that I shouldn't let it stop me, that I should use that and press forward because, in the end, the only one causing that fear and holding me back is myself." Her eyes came back up and Ceara was baffled to see something in them—a glint she recognized having seen in her brothers. A light of strength, determination, and fierceness, and it was staring her dead in the eye. "All this that you're scared of...it's okay to be scared of it. I'm still scared about a lot of things too, and maybe they're not as bad as what you're going through now but you shouldn't let them hold you back either. The anegimi I know would never back down or run away. She would never stop just because she's scared. She would keep going to protect what she loves."

"All you knew about me was a lie, Kougyoku," Ceara deadpanned not wanting her to keep deluding herself.

The young princess was undaunted and shook her head. "No, I'm saying this from what I've seen of you. I remember little of when we were younger when we first met but I remember this past year clearly and nothing you have done has proven my beliefs wrong. K-Kohaku or not, whichever you are, you're still anegimi to me. The person I look up to like I do my brothers. I'm proud to call you my friend and as such I have a duty to you."

"Duty?"

Kougyoku smiled, her flushed cheeks giving her a childish appearance without the glint in her eyes disappearing. "To listen if you want to talk. If you're too scared to tell them, practice telling me. Practice until it isn't scary anymore. Until you feel okay telling them. And if there's anything else I can do just say the word."

Ceara gave her a crooked smile and shook her head slowly in disbelief. "You're too nice, Kougyoku. You shouldn't offer such things to a nobody like me."

"You're not nobody," Kougyoku replied with fervor. "Anegi—" The young princess stopped for a moment before her smile widened, "Ceara, you're my friend and nothing will change that."

A ball of anxiety and guilt threatened to explode in Ceara's stomach wanting for her to cry but she held them back and smiled instead. This girl…

You're much stronger than I am, Kougyoku. Of that there's no question.

She couldn't deny her this. Not when it made her equally as happy to know that where most everybody else had spurned her, this little princess held her ground and beliefs. Not even war, the world, or others would change her and Ceara was glad to have her as a friend.

Prying her hand from her wrist, Ceara held Kougyoku's hands in her own and held them tightly as she gave the younger girl a smile, one that reached her eyes and heart. "Thank you, Kougyoku...and I'm sorry."

Kougyoku's smile broaden and she shook her head. "It's all right."

"No, you're right. There's no question about that. But I still need time," Ceara admitted. "This has been hard for me and it's not something I can say easily but I have to try. I do want them to know the truth. You, too. I just...want to understand why I'm afraid first."

"Yes, of course," Kougyoku nodded. "I'm sure if it's you, you'll surely figure it out, anegimi. And rest assured that I'm here to help you any way that I can."

Ceara chuckled at Kougyoku's blind faith but it also touched her. With a nod, she accepted the offer, saying that she would come to her if she needed help. "And I'll be sure to come tell you, too, Kougyoku. Sousei and Suisei aren't the only ones that deserve the truth."

The young princess nodded eagerly but yawned quickly after. Ceara minded the time then and noted that the dark sky wasn't so dark anymore. Dawn was coming in a few hours but strangely she didn't feel that tired anymore. She offered to accompany Kougyoku back to her room and the princess accepted. In a few minutes, the two stood before the closed doors of the princess's room. Its owner turned to face Ceara as they readied to part ways then.

"Be strong, anegimi," Kougyoku whispered with a smile. "I'm sure together anything's possible."

Her optimism brought some into Ceara's bleak mind reigning some of her fear from the night in. She nodded and opened the door for her but at doing so a body stumbled out to fall onto the wooden floor between them. And strangely enough, Ceara could swear she'd seem him somewhere before.

"Ka Koubun?"

Oh, right. Her vassal.

"P-P-Princess!" Ka Koubun shrieked in concern. Ceara noted him fully dressed and found it strange until the sun began to peak over the horizon. Surely, Kougyoku would wake up this early to prepare for the day which would explain his presence in her waiting room and his anxiousness. "W-Where have you been? When I came to wake you for the day you were gone!" His eyes finally landed on Ceara as if he had barely noticed her and screeched, "Y-You!"

"Don't be rude, Ka Koubun," Kougyoku chastised.

"But princess," he hissed as if that would keep his words from being telligible to Ceara. "His highness forbade you and the rest of your siblings from interacting any further with the general. You mustn't disobey."

"Kouen onii-sama would understand," Kougyoku assured Ka Koubun as she lifted her chin. "Besides, anegimi would never harm me."

"She's right," Ceara said pointedly.

"Even so," Ka Koubun began but was promptly overridden by Kougyoku turning to Ceara.

"Would you accompany me for dinner this evening, anegimi?"

"Dinner?"

"Princess!" Ka Koubun called out. "This evening you cannot. You have a previous appointment with the war council and his highness."

This made Ceara raise an eyebrow in confusion. A princess meeting with her brother was normal but also with the war council? Kougyoku acknowledged this with a gasp as if she had forgotten and at this, Ceara just had to ask. "War council?"

Pride filled Kougyoku to the brim as she smiled. "Yes. Kouen onii-sama said that after what happened in Magnostadt that I have what it takes to become a general in Kou's army."

Ceara couldn't help the grin that came to her lips. "Congratulations. Never doubted you would for a second."

The princess's cheeks brightened as she flustered and smiled meekly. "Yes, so maybe dinner tonight won't be as possible as I first thought."

"Later then." Kougyoku turned to stare at Ceara at what she had said. Ignoring the shocked expression from both, Ceara gave her a smile before clarifying. "We can have dinner some other time and celebrate your new position."

Kougyoku reciprocated the smile and nodded before leaving her and following Ka Koubun inside of her room. Finding it necessary to return since morning meant that the servants and her guards' next shift would soon come to her room, Ceara made her way back. Despite her calculations before, she found a group of servants and guards quarreling before her door. Interestingly enough, they were bickering about someone's incompetence and whatnot, surely from the guards that let her slip for the night.

Not their fault, really.

Feeling pity for the guards that she had knocked out, she didn't bother hiding herself or sneaking into her room and instead stepped into the full view of the group gathered there. All eyes turned to her and she gave them a small grin before spreading her arms out to welcome them.

"Sorry about that," she said with a shrug of her shoulders. "But night gets pretty boring when you can't sleep." Making her way through to the door, she opened it and glanced at the handmaidens that had been appointed to watch over her. She didn't mind them, but much like the guards, she thought they were a little too much when Seijin was more than enough. Nonetheless, she humored them and gave a slight nod towards her room. "Let's start the day early, shall we? I might actually try to do some work today."

The handmaidens blinked at each other before turning to her baffled. Ceara scoffed at their shock but ignored it and entered her room, hearing their small footsteps as they followed behind her.

Ceara knew working would be hard and time consuming but it would calm her. And truth be told, she needed it since Kouen had asked to speak again soon. No doubt to further their discussion from the other day. There was still no set time but she knew that he wouldn't let her dawdle much. It'd be hard but she felt more determined than ever to go through with it.

She hadn't lied to Kougyoku, after all. Ceara knew why she was afraid, Kouen had made it clear to her that the twins being fine without her—being able to leave her behind—was what she was scared of. Now more than anything, though, she wanted—needed—to understand why.

---

As the end of the week approached and no concrete date had been set yet for them to speak again, Ceara began to worry. This was unlike Kouen; she knew how punctuality was a big peeve of his from experience. But no matter how much she wanted to find out what was keeping him, the reinforcements of guards that had grown after that one night escapade kept her from deviating from her schedule.

The one time she had managed to lose them and whisk away she had been found by Ri Seishuu on her way to Kouen's private study. At least getting caught by one of his Household Members allowed her some answers.

"The young master has been tied up as of late with preparing for the Summit meeting," he had said as he accompanied her back to her quarters. "Both princes have been pent up in the study and ordered to not let anybody interrupt."

Summit meeting; Ceara remembered hearing about that from Seijin. A meeting between Sindria and the Kou Empire, a meeting between King Sinbad and the First Prince Ren Kouen to discuss the story of the young magi, Aladdin—at least that's what she could conclude from the pieces Seijin told her and what she herself had overheard. The palace and its many servants were bolstering with a seemingly infinite amount of tasks in preparations and she saw how it affected the poor guards and handmaidens that had been assigned to watch over her.

Ceara could overhear their hushed voices as they talked from across her room as she sat at the table in her waiting room working on what she could. The orphanages at the several cities that she had established still needed work and funds, and she knew that those soldiers' letters wouldn't sort themselves. In spite of this, she couldn't take her mind away from the gossip that she heard coming from the servants.

"She betrayed the empire."

"His highness would not have allowed her to live if she had, idiot."

"She's a dungeon capturer like they are, though. Wouldn't that warrant a pardon at least until the war is over?"

"Then what good will we do guarding her when she can easily kill us?"

"Prince Kouen must surely know if he assigned us. We're not alone either; Master Seishuu certainly helps."

"They're right. If she were really any threat, we certainly wouldn't be here."

"But why are we here then?"

To watch her. Ceara knew that all of the Imperial Family saw her in a suspicious light now and keeping an eye on her wasn't something they could waste time on. Certainly not now.

The whispers ended abruptly seconds before the sound of her door opening made her turn up. From the threshold, Seijin walked into the room with piles of scrolls in his arms that he settled onto her desk without much preamble.

"And these?" she asked, taking one of the scrolls and unfurling it.

"The accounts from the past few months," Seijin pointed out while he neatly separated them into piles. With a motion of his hand, he continued to explain. "There's been inconsistencies."

That didn't sound good. "Of what kind?"

"Financial," Seijin began with a heavy sigh. "With the one you have planned for Balbadd, it's four orphan houses in total. Your encumbering yourself with over a quarter of a million huang. At this rate, I won't be able to situate the funds properly to them. At least not without affecting either one or all."

She parted her attention between Seijin and the scroll that she had unfurled to read. It accounted for the house that she had planned to start in Balbadd, but as Seijin had said, the numbers weren't adding up. Wanting to get to the bottom of it, she asked for his help to look for some answer as they looked through the scrolls.

Get from here? No, that would incur debts. Cutting here would lower their portions and maintenance. And there's no way I am cutting off their education.

Every and anyway she saw it, the numbers didn't fit. Even with the funds of her work and family inheritance, they weren't enough to substantiate the heavy costs of all four equally.

Balling her fists against her temple, she felt her head pounding at the problem at hand. Think, Ceara, think.

There has to be a way.

"Miss Kohaku?" Ceara turned up at hearing Seijin and watched as the boy balanced himself on the balls of his feet. Hesitant at first, he incurred enough courage to raise his voice and ask, "If I may...I don't think establishing another house is best."

The comment made Ceara's brow furrow. Not many knew about her projects—she purposefully kept them anonymous from the government after all—from the moment Seijin had found out about this and the memoir for the soldiers, he had been on board with the idea. This came completely out of nowhere for her. "How so?"

He pursed his lips before replying, "With all due respect, you are not in the best position to be rushing these projects like before."

Not in the best position...

"You've heard the rumors." It wasn't so much a question as it was statement. The kid was too fidgety and it showed just how much he had heard. "Do you believe them?"

"Of course not!" His outburst surprised Ceara somewhat but she kept a cool head wanting to hear what he had to say. Luckily, once undone, Seijin didn't seem to be holding back much anymore. "B-But it is infuriating how they can so easily turn on you without knowing the truth!"

"And what would that be according to you, Seijin?"

At being put on such spot, Seijin's cheek flushed red in embarrassment but despite this, he continued with the same fervor from before. "I don't know, honestly. But I do know that someone as kind as you would never betray the very people she's working so hard to protect and safeguard."

His words tugged at her but Ceara didn't let it show beyond a smile for a few seconds. "But they've incurred enough doubt in you to ask me to stop."

"No, never!" he rectified, clearing his throat when he noticed he had just shouted that. "Miss Kohaku, I would never doubt you, but with the rumors that are spreading, those same people and soldiers you're trying to help might not be as understanding. With what they hear, there's no telling what their minds will come up with; what's worse, there's no telling what they might be convinced into thinking."

The boy was smart, she had to give him that. At twelve, he was certainly sharper than she had ever been at that age. When correctly persuaded and with lies sprinkled with just enough truth, people could be tricked into thinking anything. Ceara could certainly attest to that much.

"What do you suggest then?" she asked putting the scroll down to give him her full attention.

"Lay the plans for Balbadd's house to rest, at least until what is going on can be cleared," he answered. "Money aside, without the support of the people you cannot hope to accomplish something they won't support you in."

He wasn't wrong. The reason she had done so much in the few years after she had started was because she had the people's help. With the memoirs, soldiers and their families gave their accounts out of their own volitions. With the orphan houses, it was the widows or young women that felt inclined to help with the children's care. Because of them, her job had been simple: she provided the resources, they provided the services. Without their support, she would be burdened with everything. As things stood, she couldn't afford that.

But I can't just let them be until I put my life back together either.

There was no telling what the future would bring for her. Ceara wanted to believe that she and Kouen could work out something that would help with what she would inevitably have to face in a short month. She wanted to believe that there was a way to make this the tiny bit better. But for all she knew her dreadful nightmares could be right and she wouldn't see the day of light for much longer.

Whichever came to be, she wanted to assure their survival.

"I'm glad and touched that you have thought about so much for my sake, Seijin." A smile spread across Seijin's face at hearing her words but at seeing the crooked smile she gave him, his faltered. "But I don't plan on stopping. I'll see that this is done like I have before but with how this is turning out and because of what you told me, I know I cannot do this alone." Ceara gave him a small smile, one she didn't have trouble making genuine. "I apologize for asking and I know how imprudent it is of me, but I will dare ask: are you willing to aid me even with how idiotic this endeavor will be?"

Seijin stared for a few seconds before his smile returned, he gave her a curt nod and saluted her before rising to meet her eyes. "There is no need to ask, master. My answer won't change, no matter the task." He stood tall and the seriousness overtook his smile as he spoke again. "If you believe it to be achievable, then I trust your decision and will sacrifice all of myself to accomplish it."

Ceara gave him a wry smile when he said this. "You're too morbid with words."

All seriousness escaped him as a boyish grin came to him, "It's the truth. Pardon my language but screw them and their gossip." Ceara scoffed at that; the boy had certainly learned that from her. "They know nothing of what you stand for or who you are. Half of them don't care enough to find out. I do and you've taught me much about yourself simply by what you've done. Knowing what I know about you, no person would be sane to believe those rumors. No one that does what you do for your country, its people, and those you hold close would ever betray them. At least, that is what I think, master."

Finding him to be so loyal and faithful was refreshing in its own. The young boy had no fear of talking freely to her after almost a year of serving under her. And like Kougyoku before him, Seijin had changed in their short time together. They had changed and were trying to help her change in the process. Even without knowing the full truth, Seijin kept to his beliefs and she could admire that of him. "Then let us work towards a solution for this, Seijin. After all, if we don't, who will?"

"Of course," Seijin agreed with a smile as he saluted her and bowed. "I will do everything in my power to aid you."

She smiled but before she could usher themselves to start working, the doors to her room opened unceremoniously with a loud clatter. Ceara sighed somewhat irritated that ever since the assignment of her detail, no one respected her privacy anymore. They would knock but seldom waited for a response before entering. Thankfully, this wasn't one of the times the guards or handmaidens had abruptly come in unannounced. The fact that it had been Ri Seishuu that had entered made her forget about her annoyance and instead she stood from her place to meet the Household Member.

"Seishuu-dono?" Seijin asked, surprised that he would enter uninvited.

Seishuu gave the boy a curt nod before walking up to Ceara's desk with a brief salute. "The young master has requested your presence at his study."

Finally…

Not wanting to waste any more time, she began rolling the scrolls back up but clumsily doing so with how anxious she was. Seijin took her hands away from the mess on her desk and smiled as she lifted her gaze to meet his. "I will take care of organizing everything on this end for when you arrive. I'll also begin assembling what ideas I can to solve this problem. You go on ahead, young miss."

Young miss—she scoffed at the forced title. He must've gotten it from what Seishuu and the rest of them called Kouen and she found it sort of adorable that he would attempt to mimic them. Rustling the top of his head, Ceara nodded before following behind Seishuu to Kouen's private study. To her surprise at arriving there, Kouen wasn't as alone as she would have liked. Koumei was there as well and although she didn't dislike his company—on the contrary, he was a wonderful person to have in depth talks with—she wasn't so sure she felt comfortable talking with him in the room. As luck would have it, though, she caught the tail end of their conversation that stopped when she and Seishuu entered the center room of the study.

Kouen swiftly dismissed Seishuu, thanking him for delivering her, and the two princes bore their stares down at her. It felt uncomfortable, especially because Koumei's was a gelid stare that wouldn't subside.

After a few more seconds of nothing but that, Ceara found herself irked enough to raise her voice. "Was I called for a reason or just for this?"

The older prince scoffed and sat back against his chair, resting his elbow on the armrest and bringing his hand up to lean his head against it. "Leave us, Koumei."

"As you wish, my brother and king." Ceara wasn't surprised by his agreeing but didn't miss the light in his eyes as he passed by her that told her she wasn't as unscatched from guilt as his aloofness made it seem. That didn't surprise her either. For as calm as he appeared to be, Koumei was the most perceptive of them all in her opinion. Kouen had his own expertise which he excelled in, all of the Ren siblings did, but Koumei worked in a completely different level. If she had to call it anything, it would be pure genius.

"I was told about your midnight crusade."

"Oh, that." There wasn't much to say about it, frankly, but she went with the simple truth. "I couldn't sleep. I needed air."

"You understand why the number of guards was incremented then."

Ceara nodded but was quickly getting tired of this roundabout chitchat. Here she thought that he wasn't good for that—he wasn't, really. This just prolonged things that, for once, she actually wanted to talk about. Taking the sit that was across from his desk, she sat straight and kept her gaze upon him as he disregarded her presence to read.

This just made her angry and very impatient. "I'm sure you didn't just call me to have me sit here while you read." Kouen let out a sigh that made her sit straighter, her muscles stiffening in anticipation. He raised his gaze but at doing so, he scoffed. That just blew her temper off completely. "All right," she called, pushing herself up and letting the chair scrape against the floor as she stood, "I didn't wait this long for you to simply deride me."

"Sit," he ordered, their eyes locking instantly.

"Not if you won't take this seriously," she told him. "You promised to help me."

"And I shall make good on my word," he assured her. "But you cannot let your emotions take over so easily." He scowled after having said this and let his scroll fall onto the desk. "If I recall, we spent the better time of a year working to fix that. It'd be a shame to have you regress."

"You—are—" but she didn't finish the sentence she had began to punctuate and instead sat down against her chair once more. "Nevermind." She took a moment to compose herself which he took to go back to reading. The action made it a bit harder for her to calm down but she somehow managed. Letting one last breath out, she leaned in eyeing the scrolls he was reading. "Balbadd?" A small 'mm' was all that he gave as he continued. Leaning closer to manage and read some of the characters upside down, Ceara mused about its contents. "It's going well, it seems. Any problems?"

"Some citizens rioting," he admitted before furling the scroll back up. "But they will be taken care of like the others."

"There's been others?"

He nodded and leaned back against his chair as she stared up at him, her chin leaning against her palms as she rested her elbows against the desk. "A handful but not enough to be of any consequence. Do you care?"

It was her turn to nod then. "They're people—our people—and they're scared; it'll take more than just a year or two for the citizens to acclimate. At least that will be true for those that fought hard for Balbadd's independence."

"They will acclimate soon," Kouen corrected. "There is no option for later."

Ceara couldn't disagree with that. Not without any good counter argument at least. This was how things were and there was little she could do to change them. Least of all now when she was in such perilous position.

Especially mentally. Rubbing her eyes, she sighed and cupped her hands against her mouth before groaning into them.

"You seem worse for wear."

"What a gentlemanly thing to say," Ceara pointed out as she let her chin drop onto the desk. He wasn't wrong, though. "I wasn't lying about why I snuck out the other day. I haven't slept much in the past week."

"I can imagine."

"No, you can't," she mumbled, pressing her face against the wooden surface.

"They're nightmares." The odd yet accurate statement made her think that it might just have been more than just a guess. Before she could ask about it, though, he added, "It's natural to regress after a provoking event. Certainly, Magnostadt did that to you."

"You sound like you've experience this before." Her unasked question went unanswered. Knowing she would get no reply if he didn't want to, she opted to start the one conversation they had delayed for a few minutes now. "I kept thinking about what you told me ever since we last met."

"Did you happen about any realization?" he asked curious.

Ceara shook her head and raised it from atop the desk before coming back against her sit and staring up at the ceiling. "Nothing new. Just—I've realized how badly I want to understand." This caught his full attention and she noticed it so she continued on with her train of thought. "Ever since I let her go and I told you the truth, I've felt stranded. Although I feel the weight both physically and mentally, it's more mental than anything. I can't sleep, when I do nightmares haunt me, and I can't help but be irritated that I know the how but not the why." Remembering something from before, she lowered her face to meet his eyes. "You said you had some idea. Can you explain it to me again?"

He kept her gaze for a while longer before he answered. "I've thought about it and I suppose that I can try explaining it to you again in a different way." Stopping briefly, Ceara scooted as close as the chair allowed, lifting her legs so that her feet could rest on the cushioned bottom. "You're afraid of rejection."

Ceara's brow furrowed at that simple yet complicated answer. It rung a bell but she quickly quieted it with a fist to the side of her temple. "I don't—"

"Understand," he said with her as if knowing what she would say. "I feared as much."

"Is something wrong with me?" she asked straight forward with a tilt of her head. She was equal parts scared and curious about what the answer to that question would be. There hadn't been much thought to it but she wanted an answer.

"In the sense of the word, yes."

"Can't you give me a straight answer just once?" she asked back as she drummed her fingers against the wooden desk.

"This isn't something that can be sorted with a 'straight answer,' Ceara," he reminded her with a stern tone. The moment he said this, Ceara flinched slightly as her fingers stopped their repetitive motion.

He's right.

"Is it too hard to explain in a simpler way then?" she asked. "I know you're trying, I can tell by how annoyed you're starting to get."

"I am not."

"You are," she corrected. "It's easy to tell now. Like you said, we spent the better part of a year working on my temper, remember? And I could tell when I was getting on your nerves. Kind of like how I'm doing right now, so I'm going to let you continue."

Kouen took a second to compose himself; Ceara could tell by the the fact that he took a whole minute to do so that she might had been pushing him too far. Once he was ready to continue, he settled on an example that brought her own temper to rise again.

"Pretend that I intend to strip Kougyoku and Kouha of their status."

"That's an awful start to this."

"Be quiet," he said sternly, slamming one hand against the desk. "Pretend that I do that because I deem their heritage unfeasible. That I strip them of all they knew and will know because, despite being my own father's children, they are not fully my siblings."

"I don't like it...but all right," she agreed.

"What would you have to say about that?"

"That you're out of your mind for taking all away from them because of something as inconsequential as their blood."

"Why?"

"Because heritage shouldn't matter where skill is concerned," she confessed. "Kouha is smart and courageous and has the respect of the many he's accepted that are like him. Kougyoku has the best swordsmanship I have ever seen, is compassionate, and holds you in the highest esteem. Not to mention their infallible loyalty to you and Koumei. All in all, it wouldn't make sense—."

"No," he immediately stopped her with that one word. "Logically, I know it makes no sense. We both know that. But why would it be erroneous to do such thing to them." Ceara's brow furrowed unable to understand how her words had failed to answer his question. His fingers came to the bridge of his nose for a second before he thought of something, "For once, don't think with your head. Think like you did back in Hakucho, before I taught you to think rationally. Be rash—don't think, feel."

Feel…

The request was unusual, especially when it came from Kouen who often opted for a more logical solution. But his request wasn't hard to do. Thinking rationally took some effort where empathy didn't. And with that mindset on, Ceara could very well imagine what he spoke of. If he ever where to disown Kougyoku and Kouha simply because they weren't fully related…

"It would tear them apart."

"Why?"

"Because…" she closed her eyes and tried imagining the scene. It wasn't hard to do. She could imagine Kouha returning to his fits of violence, unable to take that the two brothers he valued had disowned him like their father had. She could imagine Kougyoku receding back to that meek girl that couldn't stand for herself because she would think herself useless once more by being disowned by them. She could imagine them both lost without a place to belong. And she could understand what they would feel. "When you don't believe in yourself to begin with, that the people you hold closest to you—that you would do anything to prove yourself to—reject you like that would destroy what sense of yourself you already have." Her hand came up to her chest being unable to ignore the tightness in it. "They would lose any sense of belonging they had. They would be lost when all they wanted was your approval."

Kouen's hand reached out to touch hers to make her lift her gaze. At doing so, her blue eyes locked against crimson. "And them spurning you is what terrifies you. What they say or do won't matter—not when you hold them in the highest of esteems. They could kill country after country, torture each and every person that stood on this earth and you would still hold them as saints. But the moment you stand on the receiving end of that hatred, you are the one they are destroying. A being of their creation that they can destroy as easily as they have built you."

Ceara felt a burn at the edge of her eyes that she quickly blinked away. Picking her hands up, she rubbed the heel of her hands against her eyes.

"Do you understand?" he asked, his voice suddenly a bit softer than before.

"A-A little," she replied with a small sniffle. "B-But isn't that normal?" she contradicted somewhat mad. "Isn't it normal that I would be scared of them spurning or hating me? They're my everything."

"That's exactly what they shouldn't be," he countered. "They can be important to you—siblings or not, family or not—but they cannot be everything. By placing them there you're putting them in the most optimal place to hurt you, to destroy you. You cling your existence too much to what they perceive of you."

She could feel her chest tighten further, squeezing her heart painfully, and this time she let the tears that came flow over. "Is that really so bad?"

"Yes," he replied. "Existing for the sake of others can make you strong but your mentality leaves you at a disadvantage where one would find strength."

"I don't see how that is bad, though?"

"If it came down to you or them, who would you—"

"Them."

Kouen couldn't keep the irritated sigh that escaped him and that bothered Ceara simply because she didn't see why he thought it was so bad that she thought this way. "You find strength in such decision but it will be at the cost of your existence. Tell me, what good will you be if you're dead?"

Her mouth opened, ready to give a retort, but her mind came back with nothing. She was at a deadlock because of his words.

What good would she be dead?

I wouldn't be able to be here with them. I would never see Sousei's cheeky smile or hear Suisei's giddy laughter. I wouldn't be able to laugh at Judar's silly antiques, tease Kouha, or even laugh with Kougyoku. I wouldn't have time with Seijin or even spar and talk with Hakuryuu and Hakuei. I wouldn't be able to learn from Koumei. I wouldn't be able to be here with En.

A sudden realization hit her—one that both scared and elucidated something way too quickly. Unable to keep herself still, she got out of her seat and began pacing the room. Kouen didn't bother her sitting up and instead allowed her the room to think, a gesture she was grateful for despite not noticing it straight away.

I don't want that.

"Ceara—"

"I don't want that," she repeated under her breath as she stopped with her back to the desk, her mind starting to clear from the mess it had turned into. Turning to face him, Ceara held onto the back of her chair to keep herself balanced as she held herself with shaky legs. "I don't want to leave them."

Kouen's eyes narrowed on her but asked her his subsequent query all the same. "Why don't you?"

"Because—" she exclaimed, exhausted and annoyed that he couldn't understand her. "I just don't want that!"

It wasn't until after she had said this that Ceara noticed she had raised her voice considerably higher. Not wanting to meet his penetrating gaze, she kept her own on the floor and chair before her. The silence let her hear things that she hadn't paid attention to before; she could hear her heart beating fast, her breathing shallow, and could hear how her muscles tensed with her growing anxiousness.

But the tightness in her chest had left. It flew away with her voice and claim.

"You're beginning to understand then."

Equally shocked as she was confused, she lifted her head in time to see him rise from his seat. Ceara stood in place as Kouen went about as if nothing, taking some of the scrolls he had been reading to return them.

"Kouen, I don't—"

"Bring me those if you would," he interrupted, pointing at the few scrolls he had left behind. Ceara paused for a second and groaned before going back to retrieve the few he left behind. Holding them to her bosom, she trotted after him wanting some clarification. She stood behind him as he put each scroll meticulously in its place. His fingers traced each shelf as if he could read each inscription that denoted their place and finding were the ones he had taken belonged.

"I shouldn't have said that," Ceara instantly declared after her mind had time to think things through. "It's selfish of me—"

"It's not." Her arms wrapped around the scrolls tighter at hearing this. Kouen stared down after having finished replacing the ones he had in his hand. He reached out and grabbed the end of one of hers and pulled it out. "It's natural to think about yourself before others. It has kept many alive during times of hardships, what kept you alive after losing so much."

"But being selfish like that can't possibly be good for anybody."

"Not when it turns into greed or envy. But caring for yourself is normal. Not wanting to be alone is normal; wanting to fight because you don't want to lose those close to you is normal."

"But you said that I shouldn't cling myself to them." All this roundabout was seriously giving her a headache. "Isn't fighting because of them the same thing as clinging?"

"I didn't say fight because of them. I said fight because you don't want to lose them," he corrected, taking a couple more to put into place. "Be and live for what you want. If you truly care for them then their safety and wellbeing will fall in accordance to your desires. It's simple nature."

"Nature?" she repeated.

He nodded and took the last of the scrolls leaving her to stand as he finished. "Nature's course is deliberate, nothing ever left to chance. Survival—physical or mental—is no different. All that we do is ensure that survival. They benefit your mental health as skewed as that is for you at the moment. They have kept you sane through this whole ordeal, have they not?"

Ceara averted her eyes to stare at her feet. As embarrassing as it felt to have that said aloud, she couldn't deny the truth of his words. It was because of them that she felt valued, loved, and like she belonged. Just as she was about to say this, Kouen continued as if not having expected an answer to what he thought obvious.

"Did it never occur to you that perhaps you're persistence of sacrificing it all for them is not for their well being but for your own?"

Ceara couldn't keep her breath from hitching at that statement. Reaching to the shelf beside her, she leaned closer to it wanting some support as her mind and heart fought each other. Things she remembered hearing from both recent and times long gone rushed in that reminded her too much of what Kouen asked.

"We, as an army, fight because we want a better future, because we want the suffering to end. I fight because I want you to live in a grand nation of peace."

Cael.

"Be free to live the life that you want to live."

Kohaku.

"What I want?" A woman's soft chuckle resonated in her head making her grab onto its side as it began aching much more than before. "I guess I want to help build this country. If I do, I know that you and the others and myself will have a place to call home. We'll be safe and you all will be free to do whatever is it your hearts desire."

Who…?

"Ceara?"

The echo that rang through her head died down when Kouen's voice overwhelmed her hearing. She was so indulged in her own head and memories—can I call such thing a memory?—that she failed to hear him calling her and even missed his hand over her shoulder.

"I-I'm fine," she muttered, trailing his arm to find his hand and remove it from her shoulder. "Just...overwhelmed, I suppose."

"Let us stop for today," Kouen told her. As overwhelmed and slightly confused as she was, Ceara could do nothing more than agree.

As he walked out of the aisle, she stayed behind wanting to have some time to compose herself before leaving the study. That time was cut short when Kouen's voice rose over the silence, reaching her ears and bringing one name to them.

"Did you need anything, Kougyoku?"

Kougyoku?

"Y-Yes." Ceara walked quietly to the edge of the aisle to hear the small voice the girl held when talking to her older brother. "I was wondering if you had seen anegimi by any chance, onii-sama?"

"Who?"

"Oh, that's right. Um…"

Poor girl was flustered. Wanting to safe her from any further embarrassment, Ceara stepped from out of her hiding spot and called out to Kougyoku, "I believe that would be me."

Ceara saw Kouen mouth Kougyoku's reference to her as if puzzled but Kougyoku's enthused exclamation cut both their trains of thought as she approached her. "Anegimi, I knew I would find you here if anywhere," Kougyoku called out with a small sense of pride. "Would you accompany me for dinner tonight?"

"Dinner?" Ceara asked. It took a moment for her mind to work again and with it she remembered the promise she had made to the young princess a few days prior. "Oh yes, your celebration. Tonight?"

The princess deflated at the question, her eyes widening slightly in disbelief and pouting as her shoulders dropped. "Is it not possible today either?"

"It's not that!" Ceara quickly corrected, raising her hands in small protest. "Of course I'll go. You just caught me, well, in the middle of something is all."

"Something?" Kougyoku blinked at her a few times and turned to do the same to her brother. The princess did this double-take in disbelief a couple of more times before ending back with Ceara. It was then that out of the blue her usual porcelain skin brightened into a flush of red all the way to her ears before she started mumbling incoherently. "I-I-I-I'm so s-s-sorry about i-i-interrupting the t-t-t-two of you!"

"Kougyoku, you're muttering," Kouen reminded her but it did little to calm the nervous wreck that she had become with what Ceara could only assume was a ludicrous assumption concocted by the young girl's wild imagination.

"It's not like that, Kougyoku," Ceara clarified with a small chuckle. At hearing this, Kougyoku snapped out of her stupor and went into a whole new tirade about how sorry she was about assuming such thing.

As Ceara waited for Kougyoku's tirade to be over, she glanced over to the prince that simply raised an eyebrow at his sister's odd reaction. The fact that he hadn't caught any meaning behind Kougyoku's words told her how little he minded the idea. Ceara couldn't blame him for it, either. As the two of them stood now, Kougyoku's little fantasy would stay as such. And a part of Ceara felt somewhat depressed about that reality.

Not wanting to think about that anymore, she turned to Kougyoku feigning a cheery smile. "Forget about that, we're done anyway. Is everything for dinner ready?"

"Ka Koubun assured me it would be ready by dinnertime," Kougyoku told her when suddenly her expression changed with a glint in her eyes. "We should go back and dress you."

"That's unnecessary," Ceara dismissed with a wave of her hand but stopped when the princess' eyes widened and she pouted. "I-I mean, wouldn't it take far too long to do that when dinnertime is just in an hour?"

"It's more than enough time!" Kougyoku assured her, grabbing her hands in her own and shaking them. Ceara pondered it as the young princess kept begging her for it. She was about to decline again when Kougyoku brought out the real hitter. "Won't you do it for me?"

Cheater.

There was no use fighting against that look. Years of trying to against Sou and Sui had been utterly fruitless and she was sure it would only be the same with Kougyoku. Giving a curt nod and a defeated sigh, Ceara gave in with a small smile. Instantly, Kougyoku invigorated like the happiest child she had ever seen but as she rambled on about what she could wear, Ceara's gaze wandered off to Kouen. The prince had already dismissed their presence and was merely going about gathering other scrolls to read.

The thought came to her as she watched him place the pile of scrolls onto his desk. Asking Kougyoku for a second, Ceara walked up to him and warranted enough attention for him to lift his head.

"Join us."

Behind her, Kougyoku instantly became a mess of putters certainly at the audacity of even asking such question. Kouen didn't seemed fazed in the least and instead turned his eyes back to the scroll he had opened.

"I'm afraid I will have to decline."

Despite it only being a quiet disappointed breath, Ceara heard Kougyoku exhale against her sleeves. Not wanting for the young girl to feel so deflated when it was supposed to be a celebration for her, Ceara was not going to take a no for an answer. Stepping closer, she reached out and laid her hand atop the one he was using to keep the end of the scroll propped up and lowered them both, forcing him to stop and gaze back at her.

He wasn't angry. He seemed slightly irritated but beyond that gave her his attention. That was more than enough.

With a quiet whisper, she continued in her attempt to convince him. "She just got promoted as general of your army—a woman and young princess—I think that's worth celebrating."

"I am fully aware," he replied, his brow knitted down into a frown. "I gave her the position. If you intend to celebrate, by all means do so. However, I don't see the need for my presence."

Ceara tightened her hold on his hand and nodded but smiled all the same as she gave it the best try she could. "She's your sister, En. I think after all we've been talking about, you would understand why this would be the best celebration for her if her older brothers would join us."

Even after she finished, his gaze didn't leave her and neither did he push her away. Quietly, Ceara pleaded for him to give her this—if not because she asked, then for Kougyoku.

It took a few minutes but after that he sighed and sat up to glance over at Kougyoku. "Be sure to tell the staff that Koumei and I will be joining you."

"The both of you?" she asked, surprisingly not stuttering.

He nodded and began rolling the scroll he had back up only to leave it aside with the rest. "I'll have Chuu'un inform Koumei so that he attends as well. So be sure to inform them." His gaze turned back and bore unto Ceara with a raised brow, "That is all, correct?"

Ceara couldn't keep the smile that tugged at one corner of her lips. Trying her hardest to keep it hidden, she nodded and turned to her side to grab Kougyoku's hand as the young girl burst out in giddiness. Dismissing themselves to go prepare for dinner, Ceara walked out dragging the princess who, once they were outside, would not stop thanking her about convincing Kouen to join them.

"It's very nice to see Kouen onii-sama in such high spirits as of late," Kougyoku seemingly pointed out from nowhere, surprising Ceara. The man certainly appeared a bit more stressed than usual but at the same time, she also noticed something off about him too. She just couldn't pinpoint what exactly but high spirits wasn't exactly what she had imagined.

"How do you mean?"

"Well," Kougyoku began as they reached her room. She gave some requests to her handmaidens before turning back to Ceara. "The summit meeting has him expectant but I can also tell that the few times he has talked to you have also...calmed him? I'm unsure if that would be the correct word."

"Calm how?"

"In a way, he looks sort of at peace," Kougyoku suggested. "I-It's a little hard to explain. But I certainly notice a change in you, too, anegimi."

There was no hiding the cynicism that escaped her then. "It certainly doesn't feel like that."

"But it is somewhat visible, if one cares to look," the young princess suggested. "You don't seem as distracted when I do get to see you, as hard as that has become."

The conversation ended there without either of them wanting to, the subject being untouched grounds since their arrival. The silence between them remained as the handmaidens arrived and began preparing them for dinner; the time it took to do so, Kougyoku's mood brightened apparently as she began to care for her clothes and makeup alongside Ceara's. Not wanting to bring her down anymore for the day, Ceara didn't even complain and agreed to whatever Kougyoku wished to dress her in. Apparently, she had learned much from Kouha and that helped with her choice of wardrobe for Ceara. Despite the girl's usual extravagance, Ceara's hanfu was a more simple white that shifted down to a pastel but with gold outlines of birds sown closer to the ends of her skirts and sleeves. Her sash, in comparison, was a bright royal blue tied behind her with tinted black ends and embroidered with darker flowers, leaves, and birds. She wore fitting shoes of a black color which were comfortable. To wrap everything up, she took a sit for Kougyoku as the young girl dismissed her handmaidens and she began to do Ceara's hair and makeup herself. Surprisingly, and unlike before, Kougyoku had actually finished before her.

"You seem pale," Kougyoku mentioned as she began applying the foundation on her skin.

"I've had trouble sleeping as of late," she replied, trying not to move for her. But as her mind wandered, she began to wonder if Kougyoku had questions about all that had happened and changed in the short week back. Of course she would. There was no way she or anybody that saw the detail that followed her ever since their return wouldn't. But after their talk and her promise to seek help if she ever needed it, Ceara could sense the faith that Kougyoku had in her. But Ceara could also tell how much it hurt the girl to have this distance between them, how much she herself was pushing her away.

Lost in her own train of thought, she had completely missed everything that Kougyoku had said and caught onto the trail of the one-sided conversation as soon as she could. The young girl was worried, apparently, about how her complexion had changed and how she seemed fairly tired all the time now.

Ceara couldn't agree more. She felt tired both physically and mentally. As Kougyoku finished with her makeup and went on with her hair, she simply raised her head and stared at the pink-haired girl that stood behind her through the mirror. Kougyoku was more preoccupied with finding something to do with her hair and wasn't noticing Ceara's incessant staring.

Why does she believe in me?

She had told her why already: they were friends. At least she thought of them that way. Ceara wasn't so sure she did herself. After all, she had realized long ago that people came to love a part of her that wasn't real.

"Now you have the power to change that, little one." Murmur. Having set Beleth and Murmur on her lap while Marbas remained on her wrist, she tightened her grip on the carnation hairpin out of security and query. The djinn noticed without a problem and responded in kind as he explained the meaning behind his cryptic words. "They know you are not who you've claimed to be. That bridge has been made as broken as it may be. If you can fix it, it will ease their crossing; they could understand you better, and could come to understand your choices as well."

I'm not ready for that. If she couldn't fathom telling the twins, how could she muster any courage to do it with anybody else that wasn't urging her to?

"But you want for them to understand...do you not?"

Want. It amazed her how often she began hearing that word as of late. But despite the irony, she couldn't deny that a part of her had always wanted for others to question, to understand. Hakuyuu had done so. Kouen was doing so. But those had all been coaxed confessions, and they had taken a long time to come to that understanding.

The mere thought brought back Kouen's words from their first talk when she first confessed to everything. "Don't let it come and catch you off guard. Take the first step and manage what happens as you let it come to you." As well as the words from just mere hours ago, "Be and live for what you want."

Doing what Kouen asked would take a lot of strength but it would give her something she hadn't had in a long time: control.

I want that.

Not noticing the quiet, Kougyoku rummaged through her drawers for a hairpin to hold the small bun she had made to fall just on the nape of Ceara's neck. Reaching down between her sleeves, Ceara procured Murmur's Metal Vessel and reached out to Kougyoku. The young princess stared at the ornament, her eyes widening in recognition of the piece.

"That's—"

"Murmur. He's the first djinn I captured, even before Beleth, back when I was very young. But after what...what happened, I couldn't bring myself to use him when I knew Kohaku was inside...trapped. So I left him by himself. I don't want to do that to him again." Ceara's eyes wandered down to the piece before coming up and locking with magenta again, "Would you use him to hold my hair in place?"

Kougyoku paused for a second before a small smile came to her lips and she nodded, taking the hairpin in her dainty hands. Ceara closed her eyes as she felt Kougyoku's gentle hands placing the hairpin to hold the bun in place; at opening her eyes, she saw her reflection and how the carnation reflected the faint gaslight.

"One step goes a long way," Murmur said with a chuckle as Ceara saw Kougyoku's face beside hers in the reflection. "And fear of what might happen should not stop you. If it does, you will never know what could have been: the good or bad. But if you overcome it, it all will be under your control."

I understand better now. Thank you.

"There," Kougyoku mused with a quiet hum. "Perfect."

"Thank you...and Kougyoku?"

"Mm?"

"My name…" Ceara felt her throat go dry for a second making her gulp. But after quickly mustering what courage she had, she muttered the sentence. "M-My name—it's Ceara...of Ériu ."

Fear crawled up her spine and made her stomach turn at Kougyoku's wide-eyed expression. Praying in her head that she had done the right thing, Ceara almost felt like crying as the quiet extended past the second. Before she could drown herself, though, a warm smile came to Kougyoku, one she noticed was genuinely touched by the gesture.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Ceara of Ériu," she replied and came to stand before Ceara's sit. Stretching her hand out, Kougyoku's smile widened even further. "I am the Eighth Princess of the Kou Empire, Ren Kougyoku, and I truly hope that we can be friends."

The gesture warmed Ceara in an unimaginable way. We're starting over. Gulping down her sobs, Ceara stood and bowed before taking Kougyoku's hand in her own to shake it. A strange strength filled her and helped her speak through the knot in her throat as she smiled back.

"It's my pleasure, Kougyoku. And I certainly would love to be your friend."

---

As Kouen had promised, both he and Koumei attended the dinner, the younger brother obviously having trouble staying awake as it was. The poor man must have been asleep when Chuu'un went to him. But it didn't seem to bother or even catch Kougyoku's attention. In fact, the princess looked childlike as her eyes shone brightly and cheeks dusted a light pink at the sight of her brothers. Ceara just felt a surge of joy seeing her that happy and practically trotted after her as Kougyoku quickly made her way to meet them.

Giving them a curt bow, Ceara stood behind Kougyoku as the princess thanked them for coming, apologizing for interrupting their schedules. Koumei denied such thing despite how obvious it was that he'd been sleeping and congratulated her with a smile. Kouen didn't speak once but the mere fact that he was there seemed to be enough for Kougyoku. The two joined them at the table and dinner promptly was served. Ceara was grateful for the invitation, she had wanted to celebrate her status as general for sometime now, but even with the celebration as an excuse, her stomach refused to work with her. Tied as it had been for days, she barely ate as it was and with this feast it was sure to be noticeable. Thankfully, Kougyoku said nothing and instead focused more on talking her ear off. At least with that Ceara had some distraction and reason to leave her plate untouched.

As Kougyoku told the kitchen staff to bring in dessert, Ceara nonchalantly pushed her plate away for it to be cleaned up by the staff but at doing so caught someone else's attention.

"You didn't eat."

Her eyes came straight to meet Kouen's red gaze and she inwardly groaned, hating for once how much unnecessary attention he gave her when she least wanted it. "I ate too much during the midday."

"You were with me all of midday." Ceara cringed at having forgotten that so easily. Kouen wasn't fazed in the least and rested his chin against his fist leaning to the side. "You are a lousy liar."

"At least I try," she muttered under her breath. This unintentionally caught Kougyoku's attention as she turned to see what her brother had said and with concern knitting her brow down, she questioned Ceara about it. Not wanting to be rude to her when all she meant was well, she had to downplay her lost of appetite by giving her a more convincing version of having eaten too much earlier that day.

"Are you lying to me?" Kougyoku asked with a tilt of her head and a sincere look in her eyes at the innocent question.

"What a callous thing it is to lie to a child." Kouen's mightily vocal taunt didn't do anything to alleviate Kougyoku's doubt; quite the opposite.

And adding to that pyre, most likely out of ire for interrupt his sleep, Koumei saw fit to agree, "How heartless would you have to be to lie to her like that?"

"You two need to be qui—"

"Anegimi?" Guilt rising to catch her throat like a bound rope, Ceara gasped and turned to face the princess who's eyes were slightly glazed over. A part of her wanted to believe they were fake—Kougyoku sometimes did that to pull on Sousei's or her strings—but another didn't care. She couldn't have her sad, not today.

"I-I-I'm not!" she quickly replied but her stutter and the fact that her voice had ever so mildly cracked at saying this told a completely different story. "It's been coming and going with my troubles sleeping that I told you about before," she admitted with a faint smile. "It's just gone for right now is all."

The two brothers raised a single eyebrow each as if in between believing her excuse or not. Thankfully the one person that mattered believed her and Kougyoku gasped in horror as if having remembered that minor detail from their previous conversation. The young princess went on to ask something of a staff member all the while Ceara glared back at the two grown men across from her.

"You are children," she groaned through gritted teeth.

To her surprise, Koumei's lips tugged up in a half-smile. And although she could still sense his guard not leaving him, she could also sense that the familiarity they had grown to have towards each other hadn't completely disappeared either. "It's well merited. You weren't supposed to speak to any of them without permission after all."

True but…

"And you turn to childish jabs as payback?" she asked in disbelief.

"Threats from us seem to do nothing," Kouen mentioned as the staff began coming in with the dessert. As they placed the sweet bread before him, the first prince groaned in his throat and pushed the plate away. "We figured hers would work better."

"We were not disappointed," Koumei added as he began eating his and unlike Kouen seemed to genuinely enjoy the sweet curd treat placed in front of him.

These two…

Brothers or not, they were conspiring against her using Kougyoku as their weapon. The girl didn't seem any wiser about it, though, and instead caught her by surprise by placing a tray in front of her, one that had a teapot and a couple of cups, before placing one before her and serving her. Lifting her gaze from the darkish liquid in her cup, Ceara saw a smile grow on Kougyoku's face as she poured some for herself on another cup before setting it down.

"It's helped me when I couldn't conceive sleep before," she mentioned taking a bite of her dessert before smiling. "I'm hoping it will help you too."

Ceara thanked her and ignored the brothers for the time being as she took the cup in her hands to take a sip of the tea. Valerian. It smelled and tasted divine but her stomach rumbled against the unwanted food.

"Try, my king," Beleth suggested.

I will. I'm tired of being helpless. Sleep had been restless for the past week and it quickly had taken a toll. Not a large one but still one that bothered her everyday. Forcing herself to drink it bit by bit, she managed to down the cup and quiet her stomach. The warmth of the liquid made her body feel relaxed as the flower's root did it's thing.

"Valerian," Kouen said in a quiet whisper that reached her sensitive ears. The giant man reached over to the pot and served himself a cup more to breathe in than to drink it. "Effective for what it's worth."

"Isn't it?" Kougyoku asked sheepishly as she continued eating her dessert. "Ka Koubun was the one who introduced it to me. It's pretty good, too."

"Are those almond biscuits?" Ceara asked nodding at the cookies that sat beside Kougyoku's curd on her plate. The princess only nodded and offered some which Ceara took for a small bite.

How familiar; she often gave some to the twins as bribe to be good when they were smaller, a tactic she'd learned from Cael. They weren't overly sweet, the right amount of sugar having been added to them, and despite her stomach, the valerian tea and mild sweetness of the biscuits made it calm down as she forced herself to eat little by little.

The conversations shifted from topic to topic over the course of dessert—Koumei's incessant complaints of not having time to sleep now or any other time, Kougyoku's wishes to help them in their endeavors, or Kouen's off-topic, random comments that would lead nowhere. Ceara remained quiet as much as she could not wanting to interfere in the lovely sibling interactions she never got to see. Now she understood why Kougyoku often wanted for her brothers to join her for dinner; she could only imagine the ruckus it would be if Kouha were there with them.

Close to an hour had passed with already two pots of tea having been emptied when a couple of servants came in. Ceara didn't recognize them, possibly messenger soldiers by the looks of how Kouen left the table without a say to meet them. Koumei and Kougyoku followed him briefly with their eyes and fell into a quieter conversation between each other as if knowing this would soon be the end of dinner. It made her wonder if their usual scheduled dinners ended the same. Out of curiosity, Ceara waited, drinking the last of the tea in her lukewarm cup until Kouen returned giving each of them a glance and ending as he spoke to them individually.

Kougyoku was first. "It is time to retire for all of us, late as it is. Kougyoku?" The girl perked up with a shy 'yes,' lifting her head to meet his gaze. "We're proud of you." Ceara could feel the blood flow on her arm stop briefly as Kougyoku gripped her arm tightly in excitement. The first prince then turned to his brother with a sigh, "You go rest."

"Gladly," Koumei replied with a small yawn.

"As for you," Kouen mentioned with a curt nod to Ceara who only stared back wide-eyed. "We need to talk."

Despite how cryptic he was being, no one questioned him and even when she wanted to she found herself following him outside as they walked back to his study. Dinner had taken them longer with all the chitchat, which even she was surprised even happened, and the sky had already darkened with the night that came. Remarkably, Kouen didn't talk about whatever it had been he wanted to talk about until after they were behind closed doors in his private study, a gesture she appreciated.

"Shika's in a state of stagnation," he quickly began and headed to his desk without waiting for her answer. Ceara had to let the information sink before she had the mind to ask him what he meant by that. "The people Koujiro governed have heard his will from Masami. They appreciate Sousei as the only son and legitimate heir, however, they do not want him as governor."

What?

The idea sounded ludicrous to her ears and made her shake her head. "That's idiotic. Who are they claiming to want as governor then?"

"You."

Fantastic. Because of course they would. Ceara groaned and sank back onto the chair that fell across from him, a position she had began to find rather appeasing when her mind scattered. Her fingers rubbed at the bridge of her nose wanting to wane the pain of an oncoming migraine at these news. "I can't."

"Obviously."

"Did Masami attempt to persuade them?"

"From what I was told, she had to do so multiple times to convince them of the better choice," he explained. The fact that he added the 'better' part stung her pride but there was no denying the truth in his words. "She's returning to Rakushou and from there coming to Balbadd."

Coming...here?

"B-But I thought she was to remain in Shika. Now that Sousei is to govern it, shouldn't she remain there as interim governess while he's out in the battlefield with me?"

"In theory, yes," Kouen replied with a groan and rubbed at his temple. "But she went against all orders given to her saying she was concerned about the news of what happened in Magnostadt."

Oh god… Ceara felt the blood drain from her face as she heard this. Who told her? What did she know? What didn't she know? A bunch of questions popped one after the other as the dread of having her there in Balbadd sooner than they had expected felt all too real.

"She was told only what the public knows," Kouen assured her. His words made her take a small breath and calm herself down as he continued. "But she will be returning in a few weeks."

"Weeks?" she breathed out in disbelief. "Weeks aren't going to be enough for me. I can't get better in weeks."

"This isn't something you'll get better from in a few weeks or even months," he clarified with a furrowed brow. "If you thought so before, you were wrong."

"Well, thanks for letting me know now, I suppose," she said with a heavy sigh. She wasn't stupid. She knew that this wouldn't be better in a few weeks or the month she had been originally given. The best she could have hoped for was a way to deal with whatever pain would come from telling the truth. Now that she knew the problem and was easing into understanding it, she hoped to search into how to 'ameliorate the pain' as Kouen had put it. But weeks…

"This isn't good."

"It isn't," Kouen agreed and sighed heavily. "But it just means we'll have to work faster with what time we do have."

It amazed her how much he was trying to make this work. A few weeks was so little time compared to a month, and that was counting for the actual travel time or arrival to Balbadd. If she was lucky, a huge storm would hit the ship Masami traveled in and strand her in some remote island for a few months or years, preferably for life, but Ceara knew better than to wish ill on others. Especially for the poor soldiers that would be escorting Masami there.

"But you already have your hands full, don't you?" she asked and leaned her head forward slowly until her head came into contact with the wooden surface of his desk. Another groan escaped her at the idea of Masami coming back. Peace was highly overrated in her life. "Between Balbadd and the summit meeting in a couple of months...I don't think this is such a good idea anymore."

"Are you doubting my capabilities?"

"I'm doubting you'll have enough time to rest or even eat at the rate things are going."

Kouen sighed and groaned almost at the same time as he breathed out, humming the words against his throat in the lowest of whispers. "...and I doubt that trait of yours will ever stop caring about others over yourself." Ceara shrunk into herself knowing full well that hadn't been meant for her to hear. He raised his voice quickly after though to refute her claims. "Worry about yourself first. I will manage. You must as well with your own health. Which reminds me, you need to start eating properly."

"I eat properly," she refutes.

"No, you don't. And I'm not only talking about tonight."

This time it was Ceara's turn to groan from irritation. "You know, I still can't discern why you bother putting guards and handmaidens to follow me on my every waking hour when you can simply get all the information you want from Seijin."

"Not all."

That simple statement made her curious and she lifted her face to lay her chin on the wooden surface to have a better look at him. "What do you mean?"

"The boy tells me what I need to know, seldom what I want to know," he responded. "Like how you're struggling with sleep, interfering with your guards—"

"One time."

"—or missing meals to work instead."

"I'm being productive, aren't I?" she argued with a frown. "I thought you out of everyone would understand and appreciate that."

"Working yourself until you drop sick won't help anybody, least of all you," he countered, his voice getting sterner. "Having to deal with Koumei's fits of sickness from overexerting himself is trouble enough. I don't need you to add to it as well."

"I don't get sick," she pouted, having lost any strength to keep arguing.

"Tell me that when you faint in the middle of the day and have to stay in bed to recuperate for two."

Sounds like he's had his share of trouble with Koumei, indeed.

But she wasn't that stupid. She knew her limits; it's how she trained herself to djinn equip. Knowing where her limits were and how to best exploit herself when not fully recovered were things she did best. Having been bullied by Masami for years had helped nurture that ability of hers too.

"It's not like I can do much about it even if I wanted to. And believe me, I do," she admitted finally lifting her head and resting it against her folded arms on the desk. Sleep evaded her like a lost sheep from a shepherd boy and the nightmares—which she never remembered much of except for her incessant fear and mania—didn't help much either. The unbalance in her sleep only aggravated her already low appetite that she qualmed with tea or fruits. Never food. Not after the one time she forced herself to eat three days after their arrival to find herself puking it a few hours later from the nausea. The only reason she could think of that the small biscuits from dinner remained settled in her stomach now was because of the valerian tea.

But she could feel the tea taking its effects as her eyelids grew a tad bit heavier while staring out toward the shelves of scrolls and books. Raising her head from its place, she rubbed at her eyes just as a yawn came out of her mouth.

"I beg to differ from what I'm witnessing," he smugly said with a lopsided grin.

"It's the stupid tea," she pouted as another yawn came. "I don't want to sleep."

"Going on like this isn't good, Ceara," he reminded her. "You have to rest and find a way to eat."

"I hate my nightmares." The confession seemed to take the prince by mild surprise but by that point her grogginess and irritation were showing and cutting her patience shorter than usual. "I can't sleep and when I do, I dream of fires and people dying. I'm tired of seeing those things."

"What fires?"

The sudden change of tone took Ceara aback. It was stern but there was some other underlying tone as well. Interest or perhaps, dare she think, concern. Either way, she was too mentally exhausted after a week of not sleeping and too sleepy from the tea to care what she answered with.

"Sometimes the one from the Reizei estate of when Kohaku passed. Others of the one in Rakushou..." And then there were those she had no idea of where they were. And despite that, she could swear they felt familiar. "I meet people but then they burn and the fire consumes everything. I can't run away. I burn too. Then I wake up."

"Are they that vivid?"

Ceara only nodded. "At least from what I remember. It isn't much more than small parts. I don't remember what we talk about although I'm pretty sure we do talk a lot." She rubbed at her eyes again as they began to feel heavy, "I've had them ever since we came back."

"Kohaku's release must have caused them," he said bluntly. At this point, she had to agree as that was the same conclusion she'd come to. She knew the cause; she only wished she could find how to get rid of them.

She really wanted to sleep. Kouen continued talking and the sound of his voice reverberated in her ears, an easy and deep baritone timbre that eased her mind. After sometime listening to it, his voice had become a sound that calmed her the more she heard it. Right now, it lulled her. Soon enough, she didn't bother rubbing at her eyes and instead indulged in the sound of his voice before closing her eyes.

---

"Honestly…"

Kouen sighed as he stopped briefly to look at the woman that had been leaning back against her chair quietly. A little too quietly. It wasn't until he raised his gaze that he noticed she had fallen asleep with her arms wrapped around her knees as they were brought close to her body and her head falling to the side to rest against her shoulder.

The tea had done its job well enough. Her incessant eye rubbing had stopped as quickly as it had started and ended with her falling asleep. At least she would be dealing with a problem of hers with that. Even before he had heard from her about her troubles sleeping, he could tell how her complexion had changed. It was subtle but evident even after a week. It also brought concern to his mind for some reason. The woman was slowly starving and depriving herself of rest, most likely subconsciously, and she was having a hard time dealing with that. This would certainly not help her or make his job any easier on helping her with her other problem. She needed to be fully focused on the task for it to be beneficial.

Being sleep deprived and starving would not help either of them. But bringing her to her room now would only be a hassle. Instead, he stood and picked her up from the chair. Like times before, he could tell how small she was even more so now with what he could only assume to be a week of starvation. Bringing her closer to the window, he laid her down on the windowsill where the sit was wide enough to accommodate her even with the small shifts she made as he settled her there. Groaning in her sleep for a second, she rubbed at her face before going back to sleep quietly.

So peaceful. He wondered what kind of nightmares could disrupt such peaceful sleep. It intrigued him, especially because of what she dreamt of. Fires...of Rakushou and Shika. Those were nightmares he had had himself over a decade ago when the fire and subsequent deaths of the emperor and crown princes came to happen. He had been away and the guilt drove him to have fitful rest. It lasted for a while but they eventually decreased until they ceased to be.

Kouen had tried his best to ignore them and the hectic time of his father taking sit as emperor certainly made that an easy task, but Ceara had only worse things to think about other than bouts of nightmares. Her affliction, that wrecked mindset of hers, didn't allow for many positivity, he would imagine. And a part of him felt empathetic towards her.

Brushing the sentiment aside, he moved a single chair closer to where she laid asleep and grabbed a couple of scrolls before sitting down to read them. From time to time, when she moved, his eyes would wander up to her only to wait for a few seconds for her to go back to breathing evenly. In one of her many shifts, he watched as the tresses of her hair fell onto her face making her nose scrunch like it usually did from the feeling. Her hands sluggishly swept at her face in an attempt to move them but only managed to make the problem worse. Compelled by her struggle, he reached out and brushed the locks of caramel aside and away from her face. The scrunch of her nose lessened until it went away and she returned to sleep.

It was hard for Kouen to understand how the young woman before her had gotten herself into such a problem. And calling it a problem was a colossal understatement. For all his attempts to help alleviate the situation—as foreign as the urge to do so was—it never ceased to baffle him how a little girl had set all those events into motion.

A little girl stuck by her longing to be loved and belong when it had all been taken away.

And I was a great part of what put you in that course.

Was that it? Was it guilt that drove him to help her in whatever way he could? What made him feel concern for her wellbeing? Or was guilt only a part of it?

It can't be.

It felt irrational. It couldn't be the only thing that spurred him into action. No, this wasn't simple guilt for being the cause of Cael's death. Although, that certainly made up a good portion of why he was doing all this.

No. This was something else. It had to be.

Kouen sighed exhausted from thinking so much for once as he let the scroll in his hands fall to his lap. "I'm overthinking this." But a part of him—an overwhelming part at that—spoke to the contrary.

A sudden groan made him look up at Ceara who was frowning in her sleep as she shifted from side to side. Surprised since she had been asleep for a good hour, Kouen watched expecting this to be just more tossing and turning. Her hands, though, began to grasp at everything and anything, holding her clothes or the pillows of the windowsill sit. It took a few minutes for her to fully start thrashing until she hit the window hard enough to push herself off from the windowsill. Out of simple reflex, Kouen dropped everything in his hands and caught her just in time to avoid her falling head first onto the floor. The moment his arms came to hold her, she gasped loudly a moment before her eyes shut open. Wide and wild, they flickered back and forth until the stark blue eyes found his face and all at once her shallow breathing hitched in disbelief.

"...En?"

"You fell asleep. You were having a ni—" But before he could even finish, Ceara threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her face against the crook of his neck. The close proximity felt odd for a second until he began hearing her small, quiet sobs.

"You're—you're okay. N-Nothing's wrong. Nothing's going to happen." Her repeated assurances mingled with her sobs, her grip around him tightening and her body trembling. "I-It's you, right? Y-You're really here...right?"

The simple yet shaky sound of her voice startled him. She wasn't just scared; she was horrified. An urge came over him, one that prompted him to wrap his arms around her and hold her closer to himself. As he did this, he felt her stiffen at his touch, her sobs halting for a brief second, before she completely relaxed and the sobs returned but in a much quieter volume. But a mere reassurance from him drove her past the point of quiet whimpers.

"I'm here."

At hearing that, he heard her weep as she pressed her face against his shoulder and held onto him for dear life. He didn't understand where her sudden fear came from or even what she was afraid of but it was clear that whatever it had been had ingrained itself into her brain.

She was afraid about him, for him. About what, he could only guess. But at the moment, as he repeated those same words to calm her down, what mattered to him was to get her better, to reassure her that he was fine.

That he would be fine. That nothing that she had dreamt of would happen because it had just been that: a dream. A really, really bad dream.

---

Cael of Ériu. Ceara of Ériu.

An empty grave beside an incorrectly engraved one.

That's all that stood near the shores of Shika were the waves could lap at them. The rise and slight beating of the waves had corroded some of the stone from each but besides that neither had suffered much deterioration. For them being over a decade old, Masami found it shocking.

One bore the name of a man she once knew—loved even—the other the name of a little girl that still breathed and lived when she wasn't supposed to.

"That there grave is where her remains are."

Masami didn't want to look at the young man that had guided her there but something in her compelled her to. His face hooded behind a dark cloaked, all she could see even in the bright daylight were strands of dark gold as they peeked from underneath it while the ends of a long plait of the same color ended near his legs. What she could see of his hair and the odd attire he wore told her that he was no native of the Kou Empire, a traveler perhaps, and it certainly made it that much stranger that he knew where these graves were—and most importantly who they belonged to.

"How can I trust your word?" Masami asked. After all, this stranger had met her just outside her family's estate claiming to know where the remains of two beloved people of hers rested.

"The same reason why you followed me here, little miss," he commented, stretching his arms to either side and shrugging.

The same reason… That in itself was shady as well. The only reason she had followed him to these graves out in the shores of her town was because he had explicitly claimed that he knew of where a little lamb had buried her sister. The exchange had happened away from prying ears but it had been enough to pique her interest. At first she hadn't believed him—still didn't; even though the construction of their new estate had been elsewhere, the grounds of the fire had been left undisturbed as tribute to those who had died. How could have anyone, especially she, known where Kohaku's remains had been when everything had been burned to the ground.

"How did she find them?" Masami asked instead.

"Same way she was able to talk to the girl," the man explained falling a few feet behind her to watch the sea instead. "The djinn allowed her to talk to her and from there they found where what remained of her laid. What they could find she buried here along with what remained of her brother's belongings." He tapped against his head and chuckled, "Except that hairpin, of course. There's no way she'd part with that."

Gritting her teeth, Masami couldn't keep the anger and grief that overwhelmed her ultimately making her drop to her knees before the graves. She abhorred the name engraved on it but she loved both of the people that rested in them.

"What a thief, really," the man said coming closer and patting Masami on the back. Flinching at the sudden touch and moving away, he didn't seem to take it personally and instead crouched down with his arms leaning against his knees and his hands cradling his chin. Being this close, Masami could see the fair complexion of his skin marred by burn scars that ran down his neck and underneath his cloak. A sly yet gentle smile laid on his lips as he stared at the grave marked with the woman's name. "She was the reason why your beloved worked so hard to fight in the war and what ultimately caused him his death, she was the one that killed your sister, and she still lives. Pitiful, really, that things never change."

"Why show me this?" she asked, voice hoarse from the sobbing that wanted to be let out. "What do you even want?"

"To help, miss." He stood and stretched as if nothing was wrong with the world. "You see there's a lot of wrong happening in the world and a lot of people are trying to right it. I'm one of those people. And I've come from a very far away place to rectify those wrongs. And that one—" he pointed at Ceara's grave, "is a mistake I'm responsible for."

"What are you going to do to her?"

"What I have to," he said rather cryptically. "But it's not a job that I have to do with my own hands. So long as the job gets done, it's a win for me. Which is why I've come with a proposition." Having Masami's attention there, she turned up to glance up from beneath. As the sun hit him from above, a crude shadow came over his features darkening his golden tresses and letting a small amethyst sheen come from his eyes. From beneath the folds of his cloak, he took out a vial with bright purple liquid inside and showed it to her. "I hear you're a connoisseur of fine poisons. This one here is Brugmansia, a bloom that grows in the Dark Continent."

Dark Continent. She had heard of that place and of the rarities that bloomed in its soils. Things never before seen in any other part of the continent, east or west. But to actually have a sample that had been carefully and correctly extracted was hard to believe.

"Don't worry," he assured letting the bottle sit before her on the ground. "The one who extracted the poison is more than an artisan on her line of work. I assure you that this is one of the finest poisons known to mankind: it's fast when applied directly, gives hallucinations with bouts of pain, and it's hard as hell to detect and even harder to extract even with magic. It's one of the ones that were used to tranquilize Fanalis back when they were commonly hunted. It wouldn't kill a Fanalis but it would certainly do in a human with the right amount. And what's more it'd be a torturous and painful experience."

"What do you want in exchange?" she asked.

"Just one thing," he said stepping back as he started to walk away from her. "Make sure the job is done. I'm sure you'll have no problem with that, Reizei Masami."

She didn't bother with him after that. The man had just left the vial there. It was enough for her. She didn't care who he was or why he wanted her to do it, so long as she could it would suffice.

You can't kill her yet.

After seeing this, how a shallow grave was all that marked Kohaku's remains without even her name, was enough for her to think otherwise. She would deal with the consequences of her actions but all what she wanted now was for the girl who caused all this tragedy to pay for it.

And she will.

Without a second thought, she grabbed the vial and stood to turn and leave. The trip to Balbadd would take long but it would be worth it in the end. She would be sure to make it so.

---

A/N:

I told myself I wouldn't upload. I have so much stuff that needs to be done besides school work. Seriously, take some advice and try to lease apartments during summer time and don't deal with this crap of having to move out the weekend before finals week T.T Anyway, rant over. I really didn't intend to upload this. I was going to let it sit for until after everything calmed down, or when I had a little bit of time, but I just really wanted to put this out.

This and the next chapter have been sitting in my google docs for about 2 weeks now with the last having barely been done about two days ago. I won't be uploading that anytime soon (at least I hope I can keep myself in check till then) but hopefully this won't be a month long wait either. I have lots of stuff I need to do and not to mention that I want to write and upload for another story that I have been sorely neglecting because of how much work I've been putting into this one cx No regrets though. Certainly not, just sad that I can't get inspired for the other one.

Anyway, I'd like to announce one thing before I give my thanks and everything. Recently, I created a twitter account specifically connected to this writing account. I tend to disappear from the radar at times and that tends to lead some people to ask about me. I love you all who do that :) But I realized that maybe twitter would be a better way to keep you guys updated with what's happened with the stories I'm working on and just random stuff that I tweet. And, well, if any of you are interested just search for xkeyoftheabyssx (Evie).

Now let's talk a little about this chapter that brought some little things into play. Some tiny things won't be really talked about in this story—they're hints that link into this overall three story series (maybe four) that I want to do. They're all independent of each other but they will be connected. Two, which includes Silent Lamb, have mostly been thought out, like about 85%. The other two...not soooo much. But that's for the future. If you don't like that sort of thing, that's fine too. All these stories will be their own thing, just interconnected in parts. The one thing that will appear more is the mystery blonde man that 'helped' Masami during the end of this chapter. He will be prominent in all stories and he will surely appear in the future of this one (and ya'll thought I was done, pfft).

Now let's give some thanks to the wonderful people that have Favorited and Followed:
-pemberleys
-SpicyCrazyLove2013
-Green. Piratee
-Drake-Seriel
-COLORLESS. LYFE
-Wydven
-Kororo-pudding

And now, seeing as it's 2:30 am, I think it is time I retire. I will start focusing on the other story but I won't wholly stop working on this one. Just like I've been writing on the bus ride to school or between classes, I'll find a way to work on it -w- For now, I hope you enjoyed the long (-w-) chapter and stay tuned for the next update!