Chapter 15 – Interview

The Quibbler, Special Edition, Monday, December 23, 1996

Current Count of Suitors: 352

Harry Potter Begins Next Round of Testing!

Read the exclusive interview with our very own Mr. Xenophilius Lovegood!

Our third interview with Mr. Harry Potter covers his second round of testing, including a summary of the tests, their results, and the reasoning behind them. Passing suitors beware! Follow Mr. Potter's instructions by January 5th or be eliminated! Mr. Potter also offered additional information regarding his personal dreams, goals, and beliefs in an effort to help his remaining suitors decide whether to continue pursuing their courtship. Below you will find our conversation that took place at an unknown location the morning of Sunday, December 22nd.

LG:"Good morning, Harry. How are you doing today?"

HP:"I am well, thank you. Yourself?"

LG:"I'm excellent! Well, I'm sure you have last minute holiday things to do, so shall we start right in?"

HP:"I'd be happy to."

LG:"I see your meetings went well. You started with 1,029 and you just told me you were down to 352. That's another sixty percent!"

HP:"Yes. Most of the suitors I eliminated were because I didn't feel their magic was compatible enough with mine. Some were eliminated for personality traits that I didn't care for."

LG:"Like discourtesy? Is there any truth to the rumor that you eliminated suitors because they were rude to Madam Puddifoot?"

HP:"Yes, that's true."

LG:"Are the two of you such good friends that you took offense on her behalf?"

HP:"No. We're business associates, that's all, and I took advantage of her acting skills. It was actually one of my tests. The suitor would ask for me and she would tell them that their name wasn't on the list for the day. You see, I wanted to find out how my potential suitors responded to frustration; did they keep a cool head to try to work things out or did they vent their temper. If they were rude to Madam Puddifoot, whose fault it certainly wasn't that their name wasn't on the supposed list, I eliminated them. I don't want a mate who gets upset and obnoxious and rants and raves over something a few simple minutes of civil conversation could easily solve."

LG:"Ah, I see. And how many did you eliminate for…letting frustration win?"

HP:"An even 150 people were eliminated for being rude. I wasn't completely unreasonable, you know. The situation was meant to be frustrating so I didn't eliminate someone simply because they actually became frustrated. I only eliminated people who took their frustration out inappropriately. For instance, a number of people called Madam Puddifoot some rather rude names. How does that help anything? What kind of problem solving skills do you have if you resort to childish name-calling?"

LG:"So this particular test was also looking for problem solving ability?"

HP:"Yes. Let's face it, my life has some pretty unique challenges that anybody mated with me is going to also have to deal with. I don't need a mate whose first instinct in the face of an obstacle is to get belligerent instead of thinking."

LG:"I suppose it would also help in those inevitable married arguments."

HP:(laugh) "Yes, I suppose it would. A nice benefit, I agree."

LG:"So, let's see, subtract 150 from 1,029 and you get…879 suitors left. Still a lot to go."

HP:"Well, like I said, most were eliminated for magic incompatibility. And before you ask, the total for that was 397."

LG:"And 397 from…"

HP:"That leaves 482."

LG:"Hmmm. That was about forty percent right there."

HP:"Yes. And I'd like to issue a warning to all my passing suitors, if you don't mind. Especially the ones that came to an earlier meeting."

LG:"Of course, of course. Please go ahead."

HP:"My sensitivity to magic has greatly increased. Don't be surprised if you get eliminated for magic compatibility on your date even if you passed at your meeting."

LG:"Greatly increased?"

HP:"Greatly. At first I only eliminated about four people out of the group of twelve that I met. At the last meeting it was eight."

LG:"So, that means those that passed at the first meetings have about a fifty-fifty chance of being eliminated now, right?"

HP:"Yes, that's right. The later the meeting attended, the less chance the suitor has of that happening."

LG:"Well, let's hope they take that warning to heart. There's still another 130 people to go, however, before you get down to the 352 you said was your current tally. What else caused eliminations?"

HP:"There were 13 people who were eliminated for assault…"

LG:"Assault!"

HP:"Yes. Either they tried to cast some sort of spell on me or they brought or sent a magical device meant to influence me in some way. There was even one man who had a potion spread on his hands that would have bound me to him had I touched him."

LG:(gasp) "My goodness. My goodness. Did you call the aurors?"

HP:"I let the Veela Council deal with them."

LG:"The Veela Council… I don't imagine they were very merciful."

HP:"I've no idea. I didn't bother to follow up on the results of the inquiry. I simply gave my statement, such as it was since it was actually the guards that caught them all, and put it out of my mind."

LG:"You know, there was speculation that the guards you had escort you to and from Hogwarts were actually Veela."

HP:"They are. They are duly licensed bodyguards that my chaperone has hired for the duration of my courtships."

LG:"Will they be attending the dates, too?"

HP:"Of course."

LG:"I see. That wasn't really a serious question, you know."

HP:"I know, but it was a serious answer. The guards, as well as my chaperone, will be attending all dates."

LG:"I see. Well, I suppose it's been proven that they've been necessary."

HP:"Yes."

LG:"Well, let's continue! A total of 482 minus 13 for assault is 469 suitors left! What's next?"

HP:"I eliminated 22 for wearing cologne."

LG:(pause) "Cologne?"

HP:"It goes back to respect and me not wanting to have to educate my mate about Veela. They've had plenty of time to do their research. Veela hate the strong scents that wizards like to use. It's not as if it's a well-hidden fact or anything. There're nearly four pages about it in An Introduction to Veela!"

LG:"Hmmm… Well… I guess that makes sense, then."

HP:"Of course it does. The very first thing any of the suitors should have done was a bit of research about what they would be getting involved in if they mated with a half-Veela. An Introduction to Veela would have been a perfect starting place and there is quite the prominent discussion about the differences in wizard and Veela scenting ability. Personally, I was rather surprised that anybody was caught by a basic Veela difference given what happened at the first round of testing."

LG:"True, true. A very good point. But that still leaves 447 suitors left. There's still almost 100 left to go."

HP:"There was another test, one that was after the meetings, that was failed by 95 suitors. That brings the total to the 352 that I originally told you."

LG:"Really? And what was that, may I ask?"

HP:"Of course. I've stated many times that family is very important to me. In both Veela and wizard traditions it would have been the proper thing to do for my suitors to invite me to meet with their families over the holidays. I eliminated those who didn't."

LG:"But you wouldn't have been able to meet with all those families!"

HP:"So? That's completely immaterial. The invitation should have been extended even if they were certain I would refuse."

LG:"What about Headmaster Dumbledore's admonition in The Daily Prophet that you wouldn't be able to go visiting unknown people and places because of safety concerns?"

HP:"What about it? The invitation should have been extended."

LG:(pause) "I see. So, only 352 left?"

HP:"That's right."

LG:"Will those eliminated for lack of an invitation find out before this article is printed tomorrow?"

HP:"Yes, they should receive a postcard tonight. I didn't think it would be right for them to learn about their elimination from your paper, no matter how helpful you've been."

LG:"Thank you. I agree."

HP:"So, next question?"

LG:"Well, 352 is still a lot of suitors left. Besides the upcoming dates, do you have any plans for making additional eliminations?"

HP:"There is one thing, though I don't expect it will have a large impact."

LG:"Will you tell us? Or does it need to remain hidden for now like your other tests?"

HP:"No, I'll tell you. And don't worry; I've taken the responsibility of informing the passing suitors. They will all be getting an information packet tonight with instructions on what they need to do. Every suitor must get their virility and fertility certified and send me official verification by January 5th."

LG:"What happens if they don't?"

HP:"They get eliminated. I've said I want children and my mate must be able to provide them. Hence, official certification. Certain arrangements have been made so that the suitors can get me their certification in plenty of time, so there is no excuse to be late. But like I said, I don't expect it will have a big impact, if any at all, on my number of suitors remaining."

LG:"What about your fertility?"

HP:"A copy of my official verification of fertility is in the packet that the suitors will get tonight. I thought it was only fair."

LG:"Indeed so. Is there anything you can tell us about the upcoming dates or any future tests you are planning?"

HP:"Half-day dates, either from 10 o'clock to 2 o'clock or 3 o'clock to 7 o'clock, will be scheduled with every suitor as their certifications arrive. And just so everyone knows, I'll not be handling that part. A third party has been hired to verify the documents received and send out postcards with the assigned times."

LG:"A first come, first served idea?"

HP:"First verified, first dated, yes."

LG:"Doesn't that give an unfair advantage to those whose assigned times are later since they'll have more time to plan? And it's going to take a long time to get through that many people if you're only seeing two a day."

HP:"It will take approximately until my birthday as I'll be dating only six days a week, sometimes five. I'll be taking each Sunday for myself and I refuse to give up any more Hogsmeade weekends. And while the later dates may have more time to plan something, that isn't the point of the dates. The point is to get a better feel for each other."

LG:"Magic-wise?"

HP:"That, and just to see how compatible we are on a personal level. We might have great magic compatibility but have completely divergent interests and, well…"

LG:"I understand. You'll get a chance to talk with each other in a more private setting to see if you might like each other well enough to actually marry. Or, mate, I suppose."

HP:"Yes, exactly."

LG:"And after your birthday? Aren't you cutting this a bit close? You have eighteen months at most, isn't that right?"

HP:"Yes. Yes, that is right. And, yes, it is very close. I have high hopes for the dates. For instance, given my increased magic sensitivity, I'm expecting to eliminate at least a third, maybe even up to half, of the remaining suitors."

LG:"That still leaves quite a number."

HP:"I know."

LG:"You have plans?"

HP:"Yes. I have plans…"