Chapter 8
After that brief but overwhelming conversation with Stacie at the hospital, Beca found it more and more difficult to fall asleep at night.
True. For the past 4 years she had spent quite a lot of time picturing herself as a victim; and to a certain extent, she had the right to do so.
But sometimes, when you indulge yourself too much in the victimisation, you forget about other parts of the relationship -
Parts where you were no saint yourself either.
As Beca laid in bed one night asking herself all the questions Stacie bombarded her with - again - a clanking noise outside was making it even harder to fall asleep.
The cafe meet-up with Aubrey did not make Chloe feel any better. The pregnancy itself had already made Chloe more exhausted than usual; not being able to sleep at night because of all the thinking was just making things worse.
She was hoping warm milk could do the trick.
As she watched the glass of milk rotate in the microwave, she took the time to go through Aubrey's theories again; and whether any of them made sense.
"Can't sleep?"
Chloe turned around and saw Beca sitting down at the kitchen island. She took the warmed milk from the microwave and nodded.
"Yep, me neither."
Chloe sat down, blew into the glass and took small sips. It was one of those occasions with the awkward silences again - they were happening so frequently nowadays. Sitting at the other end of the kitchen island, Chloe figured moving out of the apartment was probably best for everyone. And to do so, she would need to tell Beca sooner than later.
Sooner being - now.
"Beca, I've found a place in Tribeca. It's a really nice apartment - and I'm planning to move in next week. I just need to finalise everything over the next few days."
Beca looked at Chloe without saying a word. For a minute she thought she was in a dream - given the amount of sleep she has had recently, it was possible. "When did you make that decision?"
"I knew I couldn't stay here long. But I was so overwhelmed with everything during the first week I didn't have the chance to contact any agents. I started apartment hunting about 3 weeks ago - it took me a while but I really think I have found the place." As Chloe continued talking, Beca slowly realised this wasn't a dream. "It's close to work and also the hospital, so just in case anything happens I wouldn't need to travel far to get help."
"It seems like you've decided."
There was this bitterness in Beca's voice which Chloe couldn't ignore. And yet Chloe knew, it would be extremely dangerous to associate this bitterness as a sign of Beca wanting her to stay.
"Yes."
And then, the awkward silence happened again. Beca was still trying to wrap her head around the new piece of information when she heard Chloe whisper -
"I'm sorry."
Beca had an expression on her face even Chloe couldn't read. She looked hurt, angry and confused. She just looked back at Chloe without saying a word.
"I'm sorry Beca, for everything." Chloe whispered.
There were times in the past 4 years where Beca imagined dealing with this current scenario. And while rehearsing it in her head, she had conditioned her mind to not get swayed by emotions -
It's just that your heart usually runs rogue.
"Chloe, can I ask you one question?" Beca took a deep breath. "Am I the second choice?"
Chloe paused for a moment. "You could only be second in line when there's supposedly a first." She shook her head, fighting back tears. "You could never be a second choice when you were the only one."