A/N Thank you all so much! Last chapter there was a lot of drinking and a lot of talking. Just when Merle thought it was all under control, you know, she was in her bed, he was in his bed, damn if she didn't ask that question, "So Merle, you and Carol, was she you know…were you two…you know…well was she your girlfriend?"
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Her question caught him off guard. Merle wasn't the kind who talked about his "involvements" with the ladies. He may not be the classiest man you've ever known, but he was classy enough to keep those bedroom shenanigans between himself and whoever the lady was he may have had a, you know, a dalliance with.
But an idea struck him, maybe this was it. He and Baby were getting a little too close, it was all getting a little too comfortable, and it could be that temptation was running a little too high. Maybe if he dropped some truth on her about the kind of man he was, well maybe she'd finally get the picture. (He didn't bother to think about the fact that maybe he was becoming just a bit too attracted to her, or that he was feeling a certain kind of way.) She'd wise up when she heard the story, and then when they got to Clear Springs she'd hurry up. Hurry up and get herself a job and her own place. Yep, this could work.
Like most ideas that come to a person when drinking is involved, it seemed like a real good idea and so he broke his bedroom affairs code of silence.
"Well now Baby I'm not a man ta tell tales outta school. Whatever might happen between me and a gal, I feel like that's between the two of us, ya know? I ain't one a those guys, and there's plenty of em, who show up at work or the bar braggin' about how they been gettin' all the lovin' they want from this one and that one. That ain't a nice way ta be. I know guys do that shit all the time but it ain't my way."
"I'ma tell you though, cuz you and me, well we got us an understandin' about how we ain't into that man / woman thing with each other. You'll see real clear just who I am and where I stand on all of it. Romance and relationships ain't my thing, never have been and never will be. I know I told ya all that before, I got nuthin' against it if that's what folks want, but it ain't what I prefer and I ain't ever gonna prefer it."
"Okay Merle." Now she didn't know what to think or why she was feeling the way she was feeling. Maybe it was the whiskey but she was almost wishing she hadn't asked him. She felt that dread all the way down to the pit of her tummy, the one that said she was about to hear things she wasn't going to like.
"I want ya ta know I like Carol, I like her a lot. I got maximum respect. She's a great lady, a great Mama ta her girl and an all-around good gal. We been friends a long while."
"Carol, well a few years ago she come ta work in the office there at the company I been workin' for. At first we had us what ya might call an office flirtation, ya know, some back and forth there at work, makin' the eyes at one another, a few little harmless touches here and there, but nuthin' outta line. One day I ask her did she wanna go out that comin' Friday night and have a few drinks, maybe do a little dancin'. She took me up on it." Beth couldn't understand why hearing that was hurting her, not a lot, just a little. It wasn't like she cared who he messed around with. That wasn't it at all. Yeah, but for some reason it hurt.
"I'm honest about who I am Baby. So yeah, it was over that first drink I made it clear ta her, just like I made it clear ta you and just like I make it clear ta every woman I have an involvement with, I ain't the relationship type. I like ta take a woman out, show her a nice time, have a little fun. I like the bedroom stuff, I like that a lot. But that's all it's ever gonna be with me. There ain't ever gonna be no love and no makin' promises and there damn sure ain't no marriage."
She might not have admitted it to herself, but the truth was Baby didn't like hearing about him having a nice time with another woman, and how much he liked women, and how he never made any promises to women. It wasn't making her happy, not at all. She didn't understand why this was hitting her so hard. It wasn't like she cared, she really didn't. Not really. Not that much.
"The thing is, there's plenty a women out there who feel the same way as me about that stuff, they don't want it either. They just want a man ta have a little fun with. Carol she lead me ta believe she was one a those women. We got along swell and we had plenty a fun, then one night she gets all serious and tells me she loves me, tells me she thinks maybe we should make some kind of commitment to each other. I reminded her what we agreed on in the beginnin', and I said I thought it was a real good idea if we both just backed away from the whole deal. That's all I'ma say about it except ta tell ya it wasn't pretty. She got hurt and I felt like a fuckin' asshole. What started out as fun turned into something real bad."
She didn't know why in the world she was so upset, well maybe she kind of thought she might suddenly know why, but maybe not. Anyway, Baby started crying. She quickly slipped out of bed and dashed into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door.
Well fuck him into next week, Merle hadn't expected that reaction at all. He just thought he was giving her a big healthy scoop of reality and it would all be good. He didn't plan on this, and just what the fuck was it even all about?
Of course he got up out of his bed too, he had to go to her. What else could he do?
He walked over and knocked softly on the bathroom door, "Baby? Hey now c'mon Baby, what's wrong? Talk ta me."
He stood waiting and waiting and he heard her in there softly crying, and for some reason it was getting right to him. He knocked again, "Baby please, I'm sorry. I didn't mean ta make ya feel bad. I's just answerin' your question and tellin' the truth just like it happened. C'mon now, please Baby." Shit, was he begging her now? Just what the fuck was the matter with him? Wasn't this what he wanted? Wasn't she supposed to feel bad, think he was a dirt bag? She was supposed to want nothing more to do with him. This was how it was supposed to go. But for some kind of reason he still didn't want to think about, it was bothering him, a lot.
She wasn't sure why this news hit her so hard. Of course a man like him would have had girlfriends. He was so strong and so ruggedly handsome. He had things going for him like a good trade and he'd obviously done well. And he didn't even seem to know it, but he was also so good and kind. What woman wouldn't want a man like Merle? She was suddenly aware where her mind was going and she was stunned by the realization. She was attracted to Merle. Very attracted. It was true, she knew it now, she cared for him in that certain kind of way.
That was trouble of more than one kind. He'd made it perfectly clear he didn't get involved in relationships. And gosh, it was like he'd drilled it into her head a million times, he wasn't one bit interested in her. She needed to get over this feeling. Maybe she was just imagining it. Yeah, maybe that was it. No, she didn't really think so.
He heard the water run in the sink for a minute, then the door slowly opened and she stepped out. She must have washed her face, the tears were dried. He didn't know what compelled him, he was turning into a man he didn't even recognize. It was her fault. It was that damn spell she'd cast over him because what he did was, he quickly reached for her and took her in his arms. His big hand gently caressed the back of her head and he held her close to his chest. He leaned down and kissed her curls as he whispered, "Talk ta me Baby. Tell me why're ya cryin?"
Her slim little arms wrapped around his waist, and just like before he was surprised at her strength as she held onto him tightly. "I don't know for sure Merle. I know it's crazy, but I think I'm jealous. I know you don't want me in that way. I know I'm just someone you feel stuck with until I can get myself together. It's just that, I don't really know why but the thought of you with someone else, it just really bothered me is all."
He was a stunned and nervous, but damn she'd been crying, and well, "Hey now Baby, ya asked me about her an I ain't gonna be lyin' to ya about stuff. I know I'm a lotta things that ain't good, but I ain't a liar. And Baby, ya got nuthin' ta be jealous of, I didn't even know ya then. Besides, the truth of it is there ain't a woman anywhere as pretty and sexy as you. Any man in this world would be proud ta call ya his." Well for fuck sake now what was he going on about? What was this? He was finally pretty sure he might know. He did want her in that way. Maybe not to take on for good, but shit if he took her on at all could he ever give her up? No, this couldn't happen, it couldn't. He was losing the fight with himself, he had to win the fight with her, convince her, so he added, "I ain't good enough for ya, you deserve a much better man than me Baby."
The thing was Beth Greene thought he was plenty good enough, just right as a matter of fact. She'd made up her mind and she wasn't going to just give up, "Why don't I get to decide Merle?"
Well fuck, "Ah now c'mon Baby, I told ya how I am with the ladies. And Beth, Baby I'm a lot older than you…"
She interrupted then, "You're 35, that's only 12 years…"
He interrupted her, "12 years is a lifetime Baby. In 12 years ya seen a lot more, done a lot more, lost a lot more. Hell by the time I's 12 I'd already seen more ugliness than you've seen in your whole life. It makes a man guarded, it troubles his mind and hardens his heart and it causes him ta step back. I got a cold heart girl."
"I don't see that in you at all Merle. Maybe that's just how you see yourself, maybe it's just how you want to be. What I see in you is a kind heart, look how good you've been to me…"
He still hadn't let lose of her, he was leaned back a little but he was still hanging onto her, and she was hanging onto him too. Once again he interrupted, "See there Baby? That's how it is. Ya think ya care about me but it ain't really me. It's just cuz I come swoopin' in when you was havin' a real bad time and I took care of ya a little bit. Your feelins are confused is all. It's like with Carol, same kinda deal, only there was sumthin' else added ta that mix, she had a little girl who needed a Daddy. None a that is real love. That's needin' and imaginin' a man is sumthin' more than what he is."
It was time to get real, "So you think I'm desperate for a man Merle, is that it? Well maybe I do need help, but guess what. I could have walked in any bar in town that night and found a man who'd take me home and take care of me, at least for a while. It's not what I wanted to have to do, but it might have been that's what I would have ended up having to do whether I wanted to or not. It was your door I went to Merle, and it was you. Maybe I saw something in you that you can't or won't see, that you don't even know is there."
He wasn't sure what was the matter with him, she had his head all spun around saying those things to him. Things he'd never even thought about. It sounded good, but she couldn't be right, it was just that she didn't know him. That was it. He tried to set her straight, she needed to get clear about who and what he was, "Baby, I'm not that man ya wanna think I am. Ya think it was just Carol? It was alotta women." That ought to do it.
"Maybe I'd like my chance to find out Merle. Maybe I'm willing to settle for whatever I get."
Fuck. One last attempt to convince her, "You're better'n that Beth, so much better. A woman like you should never settle. You could have ya any man ya wanted. Pick a good one for a change. Ya been settlin' for the wrong kind." He couldn't help himself, he pulled her closer, he held her tighter and he spoke more softly, "Baby, I'm hard ta love and I don't even know how ta love a woman back."
"I've never been in love either Merle. I shouldn't even tell you that. For God sake I ran off with some guy I didn't even much care for just to have an adventure. What kind of person does that make me? Bad, that's what kind. I'm much worse than you."
That got him for some reason and he started to laugh. She pulled back from him a little and she had an angry tone in her voice when she asked, "Why are you laughing at me? Is it funny that I screwed up so bad?"
"No Baby ya know better, I'd never be that way with ya. That ain't it at all. I'm laughin' cuz we're standin' here arguin' about which one of us is the worst person. Don't folks usually try ta convince each other they're the better one, the best one?"
Now it was her turn to hold on tighter and pull him closer. He didn't fight it, he thought he should but he just couldn't. "Maybe we can try Merle. Can we try? We can take it slow. How about that?"
"Fuck Baby, I want that but I can't risk hurtin' ya, ya been hurt so much already."
"I'm willing to take a risk with you Merle, you just have to decide if you're going to take a risk with me."
Now his face was buried in her neck, "Drunk talk, is that what we got here Beth? Just drunk talk?"
"I might be a little drunk, but it's just drunk enough to tell you the truth."
That's when it happened, Merle Dixon caved, almost completely. "Fuck Baby, okay, yes I wanna try. But ya gotta stay in that bed tonight. Your bed. You're still hurt an we gotta try an take it slow. I ain't ever took nuthin' slow but we gotta try."
He had a feeling his life was about to become a lot more complicated. But what the fuck could he do? He was a had man and he knew it.
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A/N Thank you for reading along! Do you think Merle has really given in? Will they be able to take it slow? Please leave a comment / review. The chapter photo is posted to my tumblr blogs gneebee and bethylmethbrick, please have a look. I hope to see you all back her next Sunday for more of It's Complicated. Until then remember, I love ya large! xo
