"Time is it?" I mumble against Billy's neck.
He's smoking a cigarette, laying on his back with me laying on top of him. Flesh to flesh, still bare from earlier, we just laid around talking, kissing.
"5 somethin'" he grumbles, "Gotta go…"
I shake my head and kiss the side of his neck, "Stay."
"What about ya mom?" He asks looking down at me with a raised brow.
I smirk and shrug, "She knows now, and we have to talk to her sooner or later."
He nods and holds his cigarette away as he leans forward, stealing a kiss.
"We should get dressed though," I say against his lips.
He grunts, "Why can't you just talk to'uh?"
I roll my eyes at him, "She won't take me seriously without you. If you're here she'll know we're seriously serious about each other."
"Seriously serious huh?" he asks sarcastically.
"Yea," I sigh, "Asshole," I pinch his nipple and scoot away when he tries to spank me.
"Com'ere, I need practice for our kid," he says with a wide grin on his face.
"You're so not spanking my child."
I say rolling over on my back so he couldn't get to my butt. It's the first time I've said it, really acknowledging that I may have a child. It kind of floored me.
Billy takes a puff from his cigarette and sighs, "Oh no?"
"No. I'm not bringing em' up like my father did me. I don't want them to be that scared of me."
He doesn't say anything for a long time. I know it's because he's thinking of his own father. I still have no idea what their relationship is like. But I know from the 5 minutes Bones spent at the apartment that it's far worse than what my father and I had.
"Yea," he mumbles quietly.
I turn to face him, resting my chin on his shoulder.
"'Sides all you have to do is give them that cold look and they'll shit their pants."
He snorts but doesn't say anything like I wished he would. I didn't know what I wanted to hear, just something about his life back then.
"What happened to her?"
We both know who I'm talking about. He scratches his chin with his thumb and turns his head bit away from me. I put my hand on his cheek and make him look at me. His blank stare suddenly becomes very dark and his eyes are so sad.
"My mother?" he asks softly. Softer than I'd ever heard his voice.
"Yea."
"Canc'uh."
I frown and kiss his cheek a few times.
"Yea, she didn't even know she had it. She fainted one day at work, found out later at the hospital she had breast cancer and only 6 months to live."
"Oh Billy, I'm sorry. How old were you?"
"12," he grouses.
"How did your father take it?"
"Claimed he didn't give a fuck. That she was a mistake anyway," and I hated that man more in that moment.
"But I knew it hurt 'em. Didn't say a word to Joe n'me for about 5 months after she died. Wouldn't even look at us."
"Jesus, I'm sorry Billy but I hate him so much. He's a fucking dick."
He chuckles, "Wait till he finds out ya might be pregnant," he keeps laughing as he covers his face with his hands and rubs it.
"He's gonna kill me,"
"He can try. I'll end him if he puts a hand on you."
He snorts and laughs a bit harder, "You'll do what now?"
I grin and reply, "I said I'll end him."
He laughs harder. Possibly harder than I've ever heard him laugh. It makes me a little happier despite the circumstances and topic of conversation.
"You ain't gonna to kill him. Not for me."
"If he touches one ha-...spot on your head I'll slit his throat. No one messes with you. Only me."
He keeps smiling. But slowly the smile dissipates and he looks troubled. His hand finds a way to my stomach. Slightly running his hand across it he moves up until he's rubbing the pad of his thumb over my chin.
"Reese, I need ya t'promise me somethin'."
I raise a brow, "What is it?"
"If we have a baby, and...if somethin' were t'happen to me then-"
"No." I answer not giving him the chance to finish his thought. I couldn't.
"Just listen," he sighs closing his eyes in irritation. When I don't say anything he continues.
"Then I want you to leave. I don't want you two here without me."
"But nothing is going to happen to you right so this conversation doesn't really matter."
He furrows his brows, "It mattahs."
"But nothing is going to happen to you. Right?" I ask more sternly.
For a while he just stares at me.
"I ain't gonna lie just to make you feel better." He isn't speaking harshly. Quite the opposite in fact he was actually trying to make me feel better if that makes any sense.
"It would be worse if I told you nothing would happen to me and then we never see each other again-"
"Billy," I whimper and the onslaught of tears comes out of nowhere.
"I'm not tryin' t'hurt you," he replies softly.
"So then stop it. Y-you know this doesn't have to be our lives."
A tear falls down my face and he wipes it away immediately.
"We can go. We can leave."
He smirks at me the way a patronizing adult does a delirious child.
"Where we goin'?" He asks.
I glare at him, "Don't patronize me."
"I'm not. Tell me where and I'll think about it."
"What's there to think about Billy? It's your life we're talking about not a vacation."
"Where, Reese?" He asks more deliberately.
I roll my eyes, "I don't know, I-how about New York?"
"Fuck New York. No. Smug fucks." He replies immediately. I don't know why but it makes me laugh.
"Fuck New York or fuck New York City? Upstate is nice."
"You been there?" He asks.
I nod, "My aunt used to live there before she moved to Connecticut."
"What's Connecticut like?" He asks.
"It's really nice. Like perfectly slow paced and just...I don't know I love it. Most people find it boring, I think it's peaceful."
He sighs and presses his lips against my forehead.
"Hmm, peaceful sounds real fuckin' nice 'bout now."
I take a while before answering. Then a question begs its presence in my mind.
"Will you tell me what's going on please? You don't know how scary it is-"
"No. If I tell you you'll be even more paranoid s'best if ya don't know anyway, you know that."
"I know you know I know that Billy, but you need to give me something."
He's silent for a while. I'm staring at him with my head still on his arm waiting anxiously.
"Give me another month. A month and we can just go a'right?"
"So are you saying you want to live in Connecticut? You're ready to let this go?"
He shrugs, "Maybe."
"If I'm not pregnant will you forget all about it or is this something you want regardless?"
He shrugs again, "I ain't thought about it till now."
I wrap myself around him like a parasite and hold on tight.
"I love you, I want you to be safe."
"That makes two of us," he replies.
I kiss his cheek and let my fingers dance around his biceps. After a few minutes he digs his fingers in my hair and tugs a little on it to make me look at him.
"You good?" He asks.
I shrug, "I guess so. I don't want you to leave though."
"I'll stay until ya mom gets home. But I gotta go right after."
I nod solemnly, pouting at him. He smirks and shakes his head.
"You'a brat, ya know that."
I just smile and hum. We lay in silence for another half hour before my mother comes home. When I hear the keys in the door jingling I hop off the bed and grab Billy's hand to bring him with me.
My mother jumped in shock when she sees us approaching her. Me standing determined and ready. Billy, awkward yet present.
"Wow," I hear her mutter as she lets the door slam and turns to lock it.
"Hello mother, it's great to see you too."
"Yes daughter," she sighs not sounding so convincing. She faces us and says.
"So great to see you both. I assume you're both here to tell me you love each other and you're raising a baby together?"
I glance at Billy who's already eyeing me.
"Well, not necessarily. But we decided that if I'm...you know-"
"Pregnant." She finishes when I can't.
"That we'll keep it. If I'm not then I promise there won't be another scare like this."
"You're so sure?" She asks, directing this question toward Billy.
He grunts, "Fasure, ain't goin' through this shi-"
I pinch his side and he curses anyway.
"Fuck you do that for?" He asks. I don't waste time explaining that normally you don't curse in front of your girlfriend's parent.
"Quit cursing. I swear ma, I'll get those patches if you want and-"
"And we're gonna talk about a few things with your boyfriend before he leaves to sell drugs."
I drop my head and Billy speaks up again.
"Miss, I'm not tryin' to turn her out. I don't even let her drink with me no more" I could see how that sentence would make sense to Billy but my mother isn't having it. She shakes her head no.
"Is that supposed to ease my suffering?"
Billy sighs and I know he's out of ideas.
"Suffering ma? Come on. He's a good guy. I know what you think about him but he's the sweetest man I know and I'm not going to hide how I feel anymore."
I feel Billy looking at me and I glance back at him. We share a deep look and understanding of what I meant. Love. It was a scary thing. But it felt right.
"We love each other. If you can't accept that I'll understand. But I'm not breaking up with him."
"So you'll be a drug dealer's baby mama? That's what you want in life?"
"No ma. I'll still go to school. We want to leave Boston and raise the baby. If I'm pregnant."
My mother looks at Billy with a raised brow.
"You've got her fooled don't you?"
I look at Billy who sucks his teeth and looks at the ceiling in frustration. I sigh and close my eyes, just as frustrated.
"Listen I can take care of them. I know that's what ya referrin' to." Billy suddenly speaks up.
"You can't even take care of your damn self. How the hell do you expect to take care of a child and a woman? Does your drug salary see enough revenue to secure a home and food? And if so then you may not be out of jail long enough to see to it."
Billy doesn't say anything and I wonder for a moment if she's getting to him.
"I'll do whatever it takes to keep her safe and happy. I gotta go Reese."
He looks over at me and I nod and sigh.
"I'll walk you out."
I guide him back outside my apartment, stopping at the first floor lobby since I only wore socks.
"Thanks for saying those things," I say when we reach the doorway to say bye.
"Yea, I meant it." He replies glancing at his car then at me.
"When will I see you next?" I ask resting my hand on his collar bone. He holds me close and I feel alright even though he's leaving.
"Tomorrow. Ya need a ride to the doctors?"
"No. It's early, you'll be too tired. We'll just take a cab."
He digs in his back pocket and pulls out about 60 bucks.
"Here." He hands me the money and I eye it.
"You know this is more than I need."
He smiles at me and shakes his head. He looks at his car again and I take my arms off him putting the money away.
"You in a rush?" I ask.
He sucks his teeth and pulls me back in his arms.
"Cut it out." He kisses me real slow. One of the apartment doors opens but neither of us look or stop to see who it is. Quick light footsteps run past us. Billy caresses my lower back and I move closer to him, pressing myself between his legs.
He hums and pushes my hips back roughly. I push back against him and he gasps. It was so low and quick I almost miss it. I realize I'm that moment I have him quite vulnerable.
"You trynna fuck me in the lobby?" He whispers grasping my chin to push my lips away. He pulls me back in and kisses me again, "hmm?" He hums against my lips.
"I'm pretty sure I can get her to let you stay tonight."
"I gotta go. You distractin' me. I need t'ask you somethin'"
I try to kiss him again just because I love doing it. But he stops me. He turns his playful smile into a "serious" glare.
"Ugh fine. Ask me then go I can't handle this."
"Move in with me."
My jaw drops to the ground.
"S'that mean yea?"
He looks at the ground and I have a feeling I'm the first girl he's proposed this to.
"You serious?" I ask.
"I said it before, why you actin' so surprised?"
"You know why. Why do you want me to move in? What if I'm not pregnant?"
"Move in because I'm askin' ya nicely. Don't act like you ain't dyin' t'live with me."
"Don't be cocky. Of course I want to live with you. I just don't want you to do this for the wrong reasons."
"What other reason do I need? I'm sick of you just spendin' the night."
"What about my mom? And my brother I can't just-"
"You gonna be 10 minutes away on foot. Listen if you don't want to-"
"Shut up, shut up. Okay." I smile real big and reply, "let's move in together."
"You sure?" He asks.
"Oh are you getting' cold feet now?"
"You shut up now. Let's go."
"Go?" I ask my eyes wide.
Billy kneels down and tosses me over his shoulder. I gasp and squeal loudly when he stands up carrying me toward the entrance.
"Billy!" I scream laughing loudly. He walks to the doorway and I grab onto it. Laughing uncontrollably.
"Put me down, I don't have any shoo-shoes!"
He snickers and puts me down on the tile floor.
"Call me in the morning alright? I can come pick ya up after." Billy leans in and gives me a quick kiss on the lips. I lean back against the doorway still smiling and he hovers above me.
"Get some sleep," he says and kisses me again slower.
"Be safe."
He nods and pulls away from me.
"Hey come here." I whine pulling him back again. He wraps his arms around my waist, looks me in the eyes and exhales.
"I gotta go baby."
"I know." I pat his chest and kiss him once.
"I love you."
He snorts and shakes his head. .
"I love ya."