Assassination of Frieza Cold, Completed
After that grueling night that Zarbon and everyone else had to endure, the dawn broke and the rooster crowed. Zarbon got up and was only half asleep and stepped on Blacky's tail.
Blacky screamed like a typical cat and ran all the way to hind in the kitchen under the bar that connected to it.
"Oh dear, I'm sorry Blacky!" Zarbon said.
The whole night before, Zarbon had thoughts about running away and making a break for it, but feared torture and execution. Blacky tried to talk to him telepathically about it, but it did not good since Zarbon was too much of a chicken and for good reason too. Frieza of course was the type of person that could make you and break you at the same time, regardless of your position in the empire.
Frieza rose up like nothing happened, "Good morning Zarbon, are you going to fix me breakfast?"
Zarbon rolled his eyes, "Uh I have to go work out at the gym today Frieza, to get my exercise done so I don't get fat," Zarbon said.
"Don't be silly you're not fat, you're a hunk of muscle you are!" Frieza said.
"Thanks, but I have to stay fit, as for breakfast I don't know if you like vegetables or not, but I have a cucumber vegetarian salad in the refrigerator that I bought at the cafeteria yesterday, I have not finished it yet, would you…" Before Zarbon could finish a word he was saying, Frieza interrupted.
"Couldn't you just give me some meat instead?"
"No because I'm a vegetarian that likes to eat fish and crocodiles." Zarbon said.
"God you must be the most boring person on the planet!" Frieza said crossing his arms.
"Why do you care so much if I'm boring or not, I'm sorry I don't have much of a life, but I don't like controversy, lechery, debauchery, or talk of murder! I just enjoy the simple things in life, like reading, watching Disney movies, and the best part of all, being young and enjoying life." Zarbon said.
"Either way you are very boring!" Frieza said.
"Fine if you want some drama, why don't you go sleep in Dodoria or Shasha's room, they have more of a life than I have!" Zarbon said marching out of the room.
He went to the cafeteria in his robe God forbid, he was very nervous since Frieza woke up with an extra bitchy attitude. Zarbon opened up a pack of mustard and squirted it onto the crapes that he picked up at the deli, and boy did he eat that gross crape up like there was no tomorrow.
Appule happened to see Zarbon in the cafeteria and while still in his nurse suit, he came by the table and sat down next to him.
"Good morning Zarbon, how are you doing? What are you doing?" Appule asked.
"I just happened to be eating crapes with mustard on it, you would like some?" Zarbon asked.
"No thank you, it seems gross to me. Also I don't recall you ever putting mustard on crapes ever. Is something wrong?" Appule asked.
"Everything is lovely, except Frieza came by to sleep in my room last night!" Zarbon said.
"He did what? But he came to sleep in my room too." Appule said.
"He did what? So he went to your room first and then went to my room?" Zarbon asked.
"That explains why he wasn't in my room when I got back from being on duty to the rehabilitation room." Appule said.
Liya came by with her tray and sat by the two alien friends she had been friends with forever, "What's going on that is causing such a ruckus?" Liya asked taking a huge bite out of her tuna sandwich.
"Interesting story Liya, Frieza came by both my and Zarbon's places to spend the night with us," Appule said.
Liya's eyes grew wide and her tuna dropped out of her sandwich, "Oh dear, he came by my place last night too," Liya said.
"Do you know what he wanted?" Zarbon asked.
"No I didn't he just said that he needed a place to sleep for the night." Liya said.
"Hey that's not fair; he came to my place last night too!" Dodoria said walking up to the misfits with his tray, which had of course deer meat on it with a bit of pancakes on top, which was probably as much of a mismatch to eat as Zarbon's mustard covered crapes.
Liya looked at the deer meat with the pancakes with syrup put on top of all of it, with powdered sugar. "How can you possibly live with yourself?" She asked disgusted!
"I don't know, Frieza didn't want to stay very long at my place, I thought he might have finally saw that I do adore him as a fearless leader!" Dodoria said sighing.
Dodoria obviously thought Liya was talking about how Frieza wanted to stay the night with him. Dodoria admired Frieza to the point that whenever Frieza refused to look at him, yell at him for doing something wrong, or insulted him about his weight and sloppiness, his feelings would get hurt. He wanted to please Frieza, which was why he ran away from his planet, he felt that Frieza was the man for him to impress!
Most of the other people on Dodoria's home planet were such losers, they were dumber than he was, and at least he could read numbers whereas nobody from his home planet could even read! The women on his planet were ugly, the men on his planet were ugly, but he was ruthless enough to be around Frieza that was for sure, he wanted to keep it that way!
While it was an unusual blessing that Frieza even considered staying the night with Dodoria, Dodoria did nothing to better himself physically, nor did he change his sloppy habits of eating. Usually eating stuff together on one plate was Dodoria's style, not our misfit's style.
Shasha then came over, "What Frieza actually came to your place too?" Shasha then threw up on the ground and had a horrible hangover.
"Here have some deer meat," Dodoria said giving Shasha a deer leg, which Shasha then ate whole and spit the bone out.
"Now my stomach feels much better!" Shasha said.
"Take it easy please." Appule said.
Then the Sayains showed up, "What is going on here? I didn't expect all of you losers to hang out together," Vegeta said laughing.
Everyone rolled their eyes at Vegeta while Nappa and Raddiz laughed at what Vegeta said, although it was clearly not that funny.
"For your information loser, Frieza came by our places last night and kept switching rooms on us," Liya said.
"What? No way, he came to our place last night too!" Vegeta said.
"It's true he's not joking this time," Nappa said.
"Nappa, I'm pretty sure they got the message." Vegeta said.
"He came to your place too; I wonder why he did that?" Appule asked.
"Never mind why he came to all of our places, we need to tell someone!" Liya said.
"I don't know if that is such a good idea, it might not go over well with Frieza's brother or father." Dodoria said.
"Well then what is your backup plan then?" Liya asked Dodoria.
When Dodoria in fact had no backup plan, they went to the court room and stood in front of King Cold, the now retired tyrant that ruled many hundreds of years on Planet Frieza and its empire, before handing his empire over to Frieza, and his minions and minority subjects over to Cooler. Either way it was a mess and there were enough thoughts as it was of Cooler and Frieza going to civil war…which would probably never happen as long as King Cold was still alive.
"What's the problem that brings you fine people here?" King Cold asked.
"Well sire," Before Zarbon could finish King Cold interrupted.
"Call me grandfather, you do know that technically Frieza is your adoptive father right Zarbon? So you are like family to us, only you are a slave too." King Cold said winking.
"Right, that's why we're all here. Frieza is acting really strange and he came to all of ours rooms, he then asked us all of us if he could spend the night." Zarbon said.
"Hum this isn't like Frieza; we have to get him here right away!" King Cold said.
"No I have a better idea; I say we have him executed for behaving in a cowardly way." Cooler said.
"No we're not going to execute him, he's family!" King Cold said.
"Think about it father, ever since that day that someone attempted to assassinate him, he has been acting like a baby since he got home." Cooler said.
"Ok I have an idea, if you all could fix him, then we won't have to execute him! However, if you can't fix him and get him back to normal, then we'll have him executed." King Cold said.
Liya was shocked, but this did not shock anyone else, probably because everyone else that Frieza disturbed the night before was a male. "How can you possibly do that to your own son?" Liya asked.
"You dare to question my authority?" King Cold asked pounding his fist on the throne and breaking a piece of marble arm off.
"Noooo sir, you're an inspiration to us all!" Liya said sweating up a storm.
"Yah he inspires me to kill myself when I get the chance," Vegeta said.
Nappa of course was the only one that would laugh at his gallows humor anyways. So everyone thought up ways to make Frieza a little bit more courageous. Zarbon came up with an idea that nobody ever seemed to think about.
Usually when the solders would lose limbs, become burn victims or just needed someone to talk to, Frieza always ended up sending Zarbon to the hospitals for the troops. Frieza was originally to go himself, he sent Zarbon there instead where Zarbon almost hesitated, but ended up giving the suffering troops a good work for Frieza.
When Zarbon found Frieza sitting in the garden talking to a flower, he realized that Frieza was going even more insane than he usually was.
"Hey Frieza I got a great idea of how to uh…bond with the troops." Zarbon said lying.
"Yah what is it?" Frieza asked.
"Well you know how you usually send me to the hospitals to talk to the blinded, burned and amputee troops that come home from battle before they either are sent back into battle, executed or awarded for their bravery?" Zarbon asked.
"Yes so what is your point?" Frieza asked.
"Well they might have a sense of humility towards you, if you go to the hospitals with me to visit them." Zarbon said.
Frieza's eyes grew wide, "What are you talking about?"
"Come on Frieza it will be fun!" Zarbon said even though he would always get depressed that he was forced to send men out there in taking over planets, in which they would either die or get mutilated.
"Ok fine, but I warn you, I am afraid of solder hospitals." Frieza said.
"How come?" Zarbon asked.
"Because they might want to kill me... in cold blood!" Frieza said.
"Nonsense come on I'll go with you!" Zarbon said taking Frieza by the hand and leading him to one of the solder hospitals.
When they got there Zarbon put on a straight and brave face, since he had to stomach the thought of sending those troops out to die, to get burnt, mutilated and of course, blinded by whatever was waiting for them on those planets that were conquered.
Frieza gulped and wondered who was going to kill him or try to kill him, there was no way in hell that all these solders that were somehow still alive were going to take kindly to the person that wanted them to help take over those planets.
All the sudden an amputee who lost two of his legs in a battle wheeled up to Frieza, when Frieza looked at him he gasped, "Oh my god someone give this poor soul some false legs will they?" Frieza asked trying to appear kind, though he was not close to being even compassionate to the point where he would pass…as being compassionate.
"What? I can't afford false legs!" The amputee said as he started to cry.
Zarbon rolled his eyes and said what he was always told to say whenever he visited the troops instead of Frieza, "Don't worry, either way Frieza is so grateful that you are alive and that you served the empire!"
"Alive? He might as well be dead if he's just going to spend the rest of his days as an amputee!" Frieza yelled.
Zarbon then took Frieza by the hand and went to another solder, there was a solder lying in bed and when Frieza approached the bed he looked the solder over, there seemed to be nothing wrong with him, "Might I dare ask what is the matter with this fellow?" Frieza asked.
Then the solder sat up in bed and looked at Frieza, "Oh my God! They're going to get me, run to your units and duck for cover!" The poor soul yelled. He was clearly suffering from PTSD.
"Oh no the battle is still going on! I think that the enemy is right behind you!" Frieza said cracking up as if he was being funny.
"Where?" The guy yelled.
"Frieza is much honored to have had you in his army!" Zarbon said bowing to the solder.
"Oh please, he's clearly not right in the head!" Frieza yelled.
Zarbon once again had to take Frieza by the hand and take him to visit another solder, this time to the burn unit, "Here is where people are afraid to visit the solders the most, the amputees being the least of these two types of injuries." Zarbon said.
"Hum I wonder why?" Frieza asked not paying attention to the sign under the room that said "Burn Unit".
Frieza walked up to a patient who was covered in cloths, "Ew what is that smell, its smells like rotting flesh!" Frieza yelled out covering his mouth.
It was bad enough that Frieza was so cruel, but it was even worse when to his family he would show a sign of weakness and distress.
"Sire we're in the burn unit, of course it's going to smell like rotting flesh!" Zarbon said.
"Let me see now, why is this fellow wrapped up like he's a mummy or something?" Frieza asked.
"Well because…" Before Zarbon could finish, Frieza walked up to the person and started to unwrap his bandages.
"Sire I would not do that if I were you!" Zarbon said.
"Oh don't be so silly, we'll just unwrap you, so that we can see your pretty…" Frieza barely finished his sentence when he was able to get the victim's head fully unwrapped.
Frieza saw that the person was missing his nose, had somewhat of a third degree to a mild forth degree burn on his face, arms and legs. A finger had to be cut off and he did not have anywhere on his body that indicated that he was spared from the fire.
Frieza stepped back and seemed to be frightened, "He's going to get me help!" Frieza ran out of the hospital and out into the lot where he almost got hit by a car.
Zarbon sighed and looked at the burn victim while blushing, "It's his very first time at the solder's hospital!"
When they got back to the palace, Frieza threw a fit in his room while Zarbon just stood there and took it in.
"I can't believe all those people that I sent to take over my many planets! They are still alive?" Frieza asked.
"Yes Frieza, a lot of them are and they didn't just die like you probably wanted them to, some of them have to live without legs, arms, and unlike my species and your species when we get burnt, our skin grows back, although it takes a good month! A lot of those solders who aren't our species won't ever get to have new skin, they have to live the rest of their days as burn victims with people staring at them and running away from them!" Zarbon said furious with Frieza's behavior at the hospital.
"I had no idea," Frieza said.
"Oh come on Frieza, you know damn well that the hospital is filled with wounded soldiers!" Zarbon said.
"I thought you meant wounded as in they had a scrape or a splinter!" Frieza said.
"You have never been to a solder hospital in all your life have you?" Zarbon asked.
"Well yes I have, but that was 200 years ago! Back then if they were that banged up we would just kill them!" Frieza said.
Zarbon shook his head, "Well you pretty much just proved that you are neither suited to go visit wounded soldiers or that you are pretty on the inside." Zarbon said.
"Please Zarbon, being ugly on the inside is nothing new to me, I've been this way since I can remember…I don't have time to talk about it, I must get ready for work." Frieza said.
The next day, Zarbon thought of something new to help Frieza get back on his knees and be considered the fearless critter leader! He took Frieza to an orphanage where there were a lot of Primal Changeling, Icejin Changeling and of course other species that lived there.
The children usually were conceived by unwedded mothers since usually it was illegal for non-Icejin Changelings to get married on Planet Frieza, however there were some exceptions to this rule. Many uneducated Icejin Changeling women got pregnant by men they were prostituting for, and the golden rule was if one could not care for an infant or a child, then they were to drop them off at the orphanage.
Luckily Frieza had a school built for the orphans, so they could learn how to become solders in his army! Anyways to make a long story short, Frieza was taken to the orphanage by Zarbon and they both had masks and gloves on, since the conditions of the orphanages were sometimes horrid.
"I hope that you can clean all this filth up, since we want the orphans to make exceptional solders. We don't want them to act like they come from ghetto unless for some strange reason they are out on the battle field when they turn fifteen!" Zarbon said.
There was another "golden rule", whenever an orphan turned fifteen, they were sent to the solder orphanage academy to train to go out into the army to be sent to other planets to take over for Frieza. If most of them died, Frieza did not care in the world, he just wanted those planets to sell to other aliens along with controlling them for his own selfish reasons.
"This doesn't look so bad!" Frieza said picking up a bag of half full potato chips and threw it into the trash bag that he carried, Zarbon carried one too.
"That's not so much the bad part!" Zarbon said.
"What then? Do I have to pick up their feces or something?" Frieza said.
"Sire they have fifteen toilets throughout the building, that's hardly a problem!" Zarbon said taking Frieza by the hand and leading him to a room that was dark.
"This isn't so bad!" Frieza said.
Zarbon turned on the light and what Frieza saw frightened the living shit out of him! There were about 100 rats in the room surrounded by trash and anything else that I refuse to describe because it was so horrible.
Frieza managed to scream once again and run away from the hospital and once again managed to run out in the middle of traffic and this time managed to get hit by a car! The "poor" and "unfortunate" Frieza was in a coma for some strange reason since the car that hit him hit him in his side so badly that he fell to the cement and it knocked him in the head out cold.
Frieza woke up in the hospital once again and looked to see Zarbon standing in front of him; he raised his head up and put his hand on it, "God what happened? Did I slip and fall somewhere?" Frieza asked.
"You have been in a coma, for about an hour now, the doctors weren't sure if you would recover, but you were hit by a car when you ran out of the orphanage!" Zarbon said.
Frieza's eyes grew wide, "No that's silly I would never run away!" Frieza said.
"Sire I think you are in complete denial," Zarbon said.
"Oh Zarbon you just don't realize how hard it is to be me!" Frieza said getting up, but there was a little bag that had liquid on his arm and he just turned around on the bed to avoid the bag from being yanked off when he would get up. As of why those hospitals weren't as advanced as the hospitals in his palace, that was another story to draw up debate.
"Look you have a perfect life, you have many subjects that …kind of like you…" Zarbon started out saying.
Frieza raised his hand up as if to tell Zarbon to shut up, "Zarbon I know that my subjects hate my guts, they hate my family's guts, and they hate every else's guts. You are the only person in this regime that they can even remotely admire! They hate everyone else in my family, they hate me because I'm a child perpetrator and they hate Cooler because he's a womanizer and they hate my father for being…well my father." Frieza said.
Of course Zarbon did not feel the least bit sorry for Frieza, his life was harder than the stupid dictator turned Emperor of the planet, who had Cooler as a slight co-ruler.
"You are lucky to live in a place where you are considered the merciless ruler! You are so lucky to rule a planet with terror since I would not be able to do that, I cringe enough at what we're capable of doing." Zarbon said.
"Are you telling me that you are a coward?" Frieza asked.
"No I'm not, I just…also Frieza not everyone can look at a burn victim and talk to them. It's not like you're the only one!" Zarbon said.
Frieza then turned around, "Are you saying I'm afraid of burn victims?" Frieza asked turning red with embarrassment.
"No I'm not, I'm just saying that it's normal for some people to cringe at people who are severely burnt and…" Before Zarbon could finish Frieza once against raised his hand to tell Zarbon to shut up.
"Look Zarbon I'm not afraid of burn victims, I just don't like them, they got burnt and they should be able to not cry about it! Besides, why aren't you afraid of them?" Frieza asked.
"Because over the years you sent me over to the hospital to covey to the solders that all their efforts to this empire are not in vain. So over time, I just got used to the fact that they were severely burnt, and you have set my arms and legs on fire so many times, that I had to wear these stupid leg and arm warmers!" Zarbon said.
"But your skin will grow back will it not?" Frieza asked.
"Yes it does, but it takes longer now to grow back to normal because you set me on fire so many times that the next time you set me on fire for misbehaving, that it might never grow back and…" Zarbon was once again interrupted by the cruel Frieza.
"Look Zarbon, just count your blessings ok? If those people's skin can't grow back that is their problem," Frieza said with a smile on his face.
Zarbon rolled his eyes, he really wanted to smack Frieza upside the head, but it would not be worth it, all those brave men who fought for him, as a true solder, Zarbon knew that any committed solder to the empire would die for Frieza, and go to hell and back for him. After all, Zarbon was slightly raised more so by Appule and Cui which probably explained why he respected women more than most of Frieza's other men, and why he was gentle compared Frieza's own family.
However, Frieza stood in front of him telling him that solders in the hospital being able to have no skin grow back from the burn scars, it almost infuriated him. He had been set on fire many times for trying to run away or refusing to follow orders, there was not a moment that he did not feel intense pain. It was only natural for Zarbon to be remotely more empathetic in this case, than say Frieza's other men, who usually got executed if they did not follow orders.
Zarbon could not just stand there and yell at him any longer, he had to go and tell the family that Frieza had a terrible accident and that they needed to visit him.
They came to pick him up and Cooler was laughing, while their "cousin-in-law" Constantine married to their whinny, rich and loud cousin Icey, just looked at him with almost pity.
Since Frieza tried to poison Constantine that one time and tried to marry his cousin Icey, that plan backfired when Vegeta snuck into the kitchen and ate the poison pie that Zarbon was trying to throw away to prevent Constantine from being poisoned. Vegeta had no business in there, and was able to somehow seduce the cook into giving him more food than he was supposed to have. Vegeta needless to say thought that the pie was reserved for him by the cook and ate it, only to go to the hospital later on to get his stomach pumped.
There was another assassination attempt planned for Constantine, but by luck he had some stomach problems that prevented him from being assassinated at the ball he was supposed to attend with Icey. He was taken to the hospital in the palace where Icey had to wait for him to have all the gas pumped out of him in the healing tank. It was just gas, that's all it was, it turns out that Constantine had the tendency to be a drama queen!
To make matters worse, since Zarbon liked his adoptive cousin Icey as a friend and ally, Zarbon and Appule ruined Frieza's chance of killing Constantine by going to Cooler and telling him to put a restraining order on Icey and maybe on Constantine. The order had been lifted from Frieza being in 15 feet of Constantine, but Constantine had yet to renew his restraining order from Frieza being in 15 feet of him and his wife Icey.
"What in the world? Frieza, who did this to you?" Constantine asked.
"I did this to myself; I accidently got bumped into by a car!" Frieza said.
Cooler laughed and fell to the floor laughing, "I would hardly think that something like this is funny," Constantine said.
"No, it's funny because Frieza could have thrown a fireball at the car, but instead he got hit when he wasn't looking where he was going!" Cooler said.
Frieza wanted to attack Cooler but he was too chicken at this time, he closed his eyes mortified and hid under the covers.
"Now is your chance!" Zarbon whispered to Frieza after he pulled him aside.
"A chance to do what?" Frieza asked.
"A chance to prove that you aren't a coward!" Zarbon said.
Frieza then did the unthinkable, he got pissed off, jumped off the bed and started to beat the crap out of Cooler…only to end up with two black eyes, a broken tail and of course, a broken horn.
"You did it Frieza, you did it! You beat the crap out of Cooler!" Cui said.
Cui had returned from a short vacation to visit his "so-called" mail-order bride from the southern hemisphere of Planet Frieza. In truth, he was hiding below the hemisphere due to the fact that he was so shocked by the assassination attempt.
He made up a lie about talking to someone on the computer while he was figuring out Frieza's finances and well, that didn't work out well, because he could not marry someone legally on Planet Frieza, even if he wanted to. Frieza did not fall for it, but he let Cui off the hook since he did not have another person who was good with numbers…not like Cui anyways.
"No I got the crap beat out of me by my older brother all because someone told me to show that I wasn't a coward!" Frieza said sipping up earl gray tea.
Zarbon's eyes grew wide, "Yes I said prove you aren't a coward to your family, not necessary beat your older brother up." Zarbon said.
"Either way I'm mad at you Zarbon, but thanks to you, I am now no longer considered a coward and I am spared execution!" Frieza said.
"Wait, they were going to have Frieza executed?" Cui asked.
"Yes didn't Frieza tell you that he came to all our rooms to avoid being assonated?" Zarbon asked.
Cui started laughing and while he did that, Frieza's eyes looked as if they were going to laser. In fact, Frieza's eyes lasered in Cui's direction, but thank God Cui was paying attention, because when he sensed that coming, he ran out of the room as the laser just missed him by an inch!
Zarbon covered his eyes like he was afraid…because he really was afraid. "Why are you covering your eyes Zarbon? Why?" Frieza asked.
"Be..Be..Because you were about to kill Cui! All because he laughed at you, and I'm afraid that I will be next!" Zarbon yelled.
"You know how much I hate chickens!" Frieza yelled as he was about to laser Zarbon.
Before he was able to Zarbon pushed him down and ran out of the room, but stood by the door until Frieza settled himself down. Frieza needed Zarbon still, not just because he was the heir to his regime, but also because he had always put him in his place, besides Appule, Zarbon was always Frieza's voice of reason, whether Frieza liked it or not.
"I would have never of told Cooler or King Cold that you are afraid of burn victims!" Zarbon said sulking since he was so scared that Frieza was going to kill him.
"Uhhhh…just get out of my sight!" Frieza yelled.
"I am out of your sight sir! I'll just go sulk in my room!" Zarbon said walking away from the door and down the hall to his room.
No matter how much time passed Frieza by, Zarbon was pretty much his voice of reason…he was also his blessing, his curse, and of course his heir to the empire. Needless to say, Frieza remained a cold hearted tyrant to the end of his days; no matter how much Zarbon seemed to yell at him. He most certainly did not raise Zarbon to be sensitive and soft-hearted that was for sure, that was someone else's doing.
End of Story