The Harem Disaster
Late at midnight, Zarbon was asleep in his bed dreaming away, nice dreams that he probably wished would come true in real life. Blacky, his black cat, who was actually a familiar spirit born into a cat's body, was sleeping on the end of his bed. Blacky loved Zarbon and helped him with his spiritualism and sorcery.
There was a knock on the sliding door to Zarbon's quarters, Zarbon got up, "Who the hell could that be at this hour."
He walked to the door and opened it up using his key, there at the door in front of him was Dodoria, Nappa and Shasha! All of them were butt naked! What the hell were they doing there, and especially after curfew, and butt naked?
"What are you doing here? You're violating the curfew. Why are you all naked?" Zarbon asked mortified.
"We need your help!" Dodoria said.
"We're too scared to go back into the harem." Nappa said.
"Look, its late for this kind of talk, I hate sex and I hate all of you! Get into my quarters quickly before someone sees you." Zarbon said.
The three of them quickly went into Zarbon's quarters, Zarbon got a teabag out so he could make some non-caffeinated tea. Shasha, Dodoria and Nappa sat on the couch and looked at each other in shock. When the tea was finished, Zarbon came out from the kitchen and got some towels from the closet and gave a towel to each of them to cover up.
Zarbon then sat down on the other couch, "Now would any of you care to explain why you chosen to bother me in the middle of the night?"
"Ve figure that since you are cunning and intelligent, that you vould be able to help us out." Shasha said in his thick Cyrillican Russian accent.
"Why should I even help any of you? Dodoria you make fun of me and verbally insult me, Shasha you laugh at me too and like to tease me about the fact that I hate transforming. Nappa, I don't even know why you want me to help you, you have been nothing but a pain in the ass for Frieza, and you would rather hang around the other Sayains." Zarbon said rather bluntly.
"I don't think it's uncommon for species to want to hang around the same species," Nappa said.
"Start from the beginning," Zarbon said sipping his tea.
They started to tell Zarbon from the very beginning what had happened, and we mean the very, very beginning. The flashback started when Frieza called all the harem girls to the throne room, so he could talk with them.
"Ladies, I love the work you do, but I'm afraid I will have to put you all out of business!" Frieza said.
"But we'll starve to death!" Verochka, a Primal Changeling like Zarbon said.
"If you want to eat, then you need to go prostituting on the streets then." Frieza said rather coldly.
"Why are you doing this?" Alice, an Icejin Changeling asked.
"Because we need younger women to have sex with, my family and the solders." Frieza said.
"We don't look a day over 15 and you want to replace us?" Antonya, another Icejin Changeling asked.
"Look, don't argue with me, I will gut you if you dare to argue with me. That is all, now pack your things and get the hell out of the palace, now!" Frieza said stomping his foot down.
So all the harem girls packed their belongings and got the hell out of there, Shasha and Dodoria saw them all walking out with their belongings.
"Vat is going on?" Shasha asked.
"Hum maybe we better ask one of them, you think?" Dodoria shyly asked.
"Hey you, Antonya!" Shasha yelled.
Antonya turned around, "Yes?"
"Vat is going on? Vhy are you leaving?" Shasha asked.
"Frieza wants to replace us with younger girls, he thinks we're too old and we have to now go live on the street and prostitute." Antonya said.
"But, vhy?" Shasha asked.
"I don't know, will you just leave me alone?" Antonya asked in frustrated tears.
Later that week, Frieza made some deal with another scarce alien race. The deal was that the alien race would not just buy a planet from Frieza, they would send five or six of their own women to come and live on Planet Frieza. Since these women were supposedly beautiful, they would go into Frieza's harem. It was sort of like a thank you package I guess one could say.
The ship arrived, and out stepped six women, they were not humans at all, but they were humanoid. They had white face paint on their faces. They had umbrellas and appeared to look like Geishas. They walked in an orderly fashion and twirled their umbrellas. The males were all excited to see this happen…except for Zarbon, who had had more than enough of females!
"Wow look at them Zarbon, aren't they graceful?" Appule asked.
"Yes I suppose so, but I don't see what the big deal is all about, does Frieza not find this suspicious at all?" Zarbon asked.
"What are you talking about? It's a great bargain if you ask me." Cui said.
Later that day, the new concubines sat in the cafeteria whispering to each other in a language that nobody probably understood. They would laugh pleasantly and it seemed to turn the men on, except Zarbon and yes Vegeta. They were the only two who could have cared less about these new concubines, especially since Zarbon and Vegeta did not visit the harem usually.
Nappa was looking these women over, and he could not help but be turned on, he turned to Vegeta and asked the question that was on everyone's mind, "Do you think any of them would have sex with me?"
Vegeta looked up from his stake and sighed, "Those women look like clowns to me, I don't know what you possibly see in them, I would suggest sticking to Sayains."
"But there are no more female Sayains left Vegeta, we cannot be afraid to go outside our own species. You of all people should know, you have on and off affairs with Shasha's wife, who happens to be a Primal Changeling and Zarbon's younger half-sister." Nappa said.
"Look Nappa, I just think that there are more important things to worry about. Do you think Miretta will leave Shasha for me one day?" Vegeta asked.
"I don't think that's going to happen, Shasha would beat her to a bloody pulp if that were to happen." Raddiz said.
"What are you talking about? He beats her up anyways. She was engaged to me by my father and her father before Shasha illegally married her, so he stole her from me, but he cannot keep her from me. I don't want to talk anymore about this, I want to finish my stake." Vegeta said.
Meanwhile at Zarbon's table, Zarbon was eating a crocodile sandwich, which consisted of crocodile meat. Cui and Appule were both looking at the new girls, adoring them from afar.
"Hey Zarbon, do you think they would notice me?" Appule asked.
"Appule, we don't even know these women, how can you possibly like someone you don't know?" Zarbon asked.
"Oh Zarbon, life isn't just about rainbows and fairy stories, people have sex lives that concern them too." Cui said.
"I'm not even allowed near the harem, Frieza doesn't want me having children of my own until he dies and I become emperor of the empire. Now that the Primal Changeling women are gone, does he still have to worry about me spreading my seamen?" Zarbon asked.
"Maybe someday when you aren't so devoted to yourself, I can take you out of this palace and take you to a brothel, would you like that?" Cui asked.
"I don't even want to think about it." Zarbon said sighing and continuing to eat his sandwich.
There were other admirers of these new harem chicks. Shasha and Dodoria, who happened to be regular harem visitors, decided it would be for the best to get to know them a little bit before visiting them at night.
"I say ve draw straw, to see who vill go over to table of harem vomen." Shasha said.
"Do we really have to draw straws? What if they don't like me?" Dodoria asked.
"Trust me, harem chicks vill sleep vith just about anyone no matter how ugly they are." Shasha said.
"These aren't Primal Changeling women or Icejin Changeling women either, these are a completely different species, and well they might have a different preference of who should sleep with them." Dodoria said.
"Fine, I vill go and talk vith them." Shasha said.
Shasha walked over to the table where the new harem women were, and bowed down to them, "Hello ladies. Allow me to introduce myself, I am Shasha Michliv, I am Cyrillican Primal Changeling, born on Planet Cyrillic, partially raised on Planet Frieza. I even killed my own mother before joining Frieza. My friend Dodoria over there vants to talk vith you, do you think you could do that?"
"Sure thing," one of them said giggling.
They rose from the table and walked over to Dodoria, while most of the men in the room were gawking at them and shocked they would go over to Dodoria, one of the ugliest guys in the cafeteria.
"Oh please!" Zarbon and Vegeta said at the same time.
"Well hello handsome how are you?" one of them asked Dodoria.
"Me, uh, handsome? Wow, you really think I am?" Dodoria asked.
"Yes of course, pink is my favorite color, and you are my favorite color, it suits you." Another said.
"I think I'm going places Shasha." Dodoria said chuckling.
Cui looked at the girls in disgust, "Ewe, why the hell would anyone want to sleep with Dodoria for? He's ugly, he smells bad and he eats like a pig with his mouth open."
"Women are attracted to the strange and undesirable. In fact there was this poll done in the paper a while back, and the results came back that most women prefer to not be out beautified by men." Appule said.
"I guess that takes you out of the running Zarbon." Cui said laughing.
"I'm more focused on my career than women, women are nothing but trouble." Zarbon said.
"Who knows, maybe one day, if you stay monogamous, you will find the right person. Women still like handsome men, the poll that was taken, we will never know who was polled in the first place, or if it's even true. I think if you put your mind to it, you would make a great husband and possibly father." Appule said.
"Thank you Appule, but I might want to hold off children for a while longer, at least wait until Frieza dies." Zarbon said.
All the sudden one of them walked over to the Sayain table, she sat on Vegeta's lap, "Hello there handsome, you are a cutie, do women drool over you constantly?"
"I'm eating do you mind?" Vegeta asked.
Another one walked over to Zarbon's table and sat down next to Zarbon, "Hello handsome, you must bed a lot of girls." she said giggling.
"I'm sorry, I exceed those expectations," Zarbon said in a rather pompous attitude.
"What do you mean?" The lady asked.
"You don't know what exceeding expectations means?" Zarbon asked.
"You have muscles any girl could want." The woman said caressing Zarbon's arm muscle.
"Working out makes me feel better about myself, and it's a healthy lifestyle." Zarbon said.
"Maybe you can tell me tonight, you know, come on by so we can talk more?" the girl said giggling.
"I'm busy, I'm really busy, there is this planet takeover and Frieza wants me to concentrate on it." Zarbon said.
"Let me know when you change your mind." The girl said getting up and walking to another table.
"Boy you have little to no game Zarbon, what is the matter with you?" Cui asked.
Later that night, Dodoria, Nappa and Shasha along with some of Frieza's low-level solders came to the harem. Frieza's low-level solders were usually not allowed in the harem, but see they were invited to the harem personally this time around, usually harem chicks would not hang out with low solders. Nobody saw this as suspicious at all, they just wanted to have sex with these new ladies.
The men sat down in chairs that were put in a line. Shasha brought his saxophone, which he played wonderfully, when he wasn't drinking with Dodoria, or beating his wife and kids up.
One of the women walked out, in Geisha make-up, in a turquoise kimono, and with a bright pink umbrella with green flowers on it. "We're going to entertain you before we go to bed with you." She said.
The other five came out with geisha make-up on, multi-colored kimonos and multi-colored umbrellas. They started dancing and twirling and kissing each other on the mouths, and rubbing each other's bodies. The men were strangely turned on, except the homophobic men, which didn't consist of any in this group! They undressed in front of the men, ran to the group of men, grabbed a guy each and took them to the back with them.
Dodoria was enchanted and turned on and he could not help but feel a little shy. "So uh, do you have a name? What do I call you?" he asked.
"You can call me anything you like." The girl said giggling.
Meanwhile with Shasha, "Vow, you are hot, vould you like to hear me play my saxophone? I learn to play vhen I vas two." Let's face the facts, Shasha did not play the sax when he was two, he actually learned it when he was thirteen and living in Frieza's palace.
"Yes I would love to hear you play it." The girl said sitting down next to Shasha.
Shasha started playing the sax and it sounded amazing! He was a natural born player, for a rapist and a wife beater, but hey even bad guys had things about them that people might find amusing and likeable, though realistically Shasha was not a really likeable guy.
In the room next to Shasha's, Nappa was having a blast. The girl was dancing naked gracefully and Nappa was turned on, "Wow, you are an amazing dancer."
"I learned how to dance when I was five." She said lying, she actually knew how to dance since middle school.
"Can I touch your boobies?" Nappa asked in a rather babyish voice.
"Yes you can, give them a good squeeze too." The girl said.
"Yes lady!" Nappa said grabbing one of her boobs.
As the evening went on, the ladies did their business with the guys, and during that business something horrible happened. Like a rokurokubi, although they were not rokurokubis, their necks started to stretch out and they were longer, much longer. Their teeth began to grow sharp and their tongues turned forked.
Nappa was terrified and fell out of bed, "Don't get any closer or else I will throw a fireball at you!" he said getting into the pose which he would do so.
The lady hissed and her neck got longer and quickly knocked Nappa off his feet, as soon as he was able to get up, he ran the hell out of there.
With Dodoria, Dodoria became aggressive, "Bitch I will cut your head off, right now!" he did a karate chop on her neck, which did not work, it usually did though.
"What are you?" He asked.
"I want some pink meat!" the lady yelled and laughed horribly.
You would think that Dodoria would fight to the bitter end, but he got so spooked that his karate chop did not work, that he ran out of there like a baby.
Meanwhile with Shasha, the lady wrapped her neck around Shasha's throat, "Let me go! Let me go! I vill kill and rape you, you bitch!" he yelled.
"No, I will rape you first! You taste so much better when you are afraid!" the lady said and her tongue licked Shasha's face.
Dodoria and Nappa were out in the hallway huffing and puffing, "Where's Shasha? Where is he?" Dodoria asked.
"Forget him, he's probably dead by now!" Nappa said.
"He's my only friend in the world! Fuck you Nappa I'm going to find him!" Dodoria ran back into the room.
Shasha was being suffocated by the long neck of the lady wrapped around his throat, and the lady was seconds away from devouring his head, then Dodoria came to the recuse! He broke down the door!
"Shasha, Shasha no! She killed you!" Dodoria yelled.
No, something was wrong! It was a headless corpse, but of a low-level solider. As it turned out, he broke down the door, of the wrong room! Phew, that was close, but there was still a chance that Shasha would be the second headless victim.
"Sorry, wrong room!" he ran out of the room and knocked down the right door this time!
"Leave him alone you bitch!" Dodoria yelled.
Dodoria then flew into the air and kicked the creature's head, to the point where the creature's neck unwrapped around Shasha's neck.
Shasha was coughing and wheezing, "Are you all right buddy?" Dodoria asked.
"Yes I'm fine, I had everything on control!" Shasha said.
"Yah right, let's get the hell out of here!" Dodoria said grabbing Shasha's hand.
"I vant my saxophone, I cannot leave vithout it!" Shasha yelled.
"We'll get it later, come on we have to get out of here and tell someone!" Dodoria said taking Shasha out of the harem and into the hallway.
They were in the hallway, "What do we do now?" Nappa asked.
"I say ve go in there and kill them and rape them dead!" Shasha yelled angrily and still coughing.
"Great idea but we need another plan, how do we kill these things? Frieza could be next, I don't know if I could live with that fact! I love you lord Frieza, I loved you ever since…" Dodoria was saying.
He wasn't really in love with Frieza, but deeply admired him for his evilness, but Shasha formed a smirk on his face, because this sounded like homosexual tendencies, even though he himself knew it was not.
"I say we go in there and throw them against the wall! Let me at them!" Nappa said putting his fists up in the air.
"These aren't your typical aliens, they must be monsters or demons of some kind. Maybe qarinahs, or succubus in more understandable terms." Dodoria said.
"Those aren't succubus, succubus have wings! I don't even know what qarinah is." Shasha said.
"Yah Dodoria, have you ever seen a succubus before? I swear I did this one time and…" Before Nappa could finish his idiotic statement, Shasha interrupted.
"If this is supernatural, vhat do ve do? Who do ve go to?" Shasha asked.
"I know who can help with the supernatural! There is this guy who studies sorcery and he's Frieza's heir to the empire! I forgot his name, wait, it's…" Nappa said.
"Zarbon!" Dodoria and Shasha said at the same time.
Now flashback is over, and we're back to Zarbon sitting on the couch listening to the story of Nappa, Dodoria and Shasha.
"Hum, so you think that these can be demons of some kind?" Zarbon asked.
"When I tried to decapitate that woman, her neck did not snap nor came apart! There is something supernatural about." Dodoria said.
"Are you sure there isn't a biological explanation?" Zarbon asked.
"Ve tried that, and it official there is supernatural here." Shasha said in broken English.
"Oh lord, let me go talk to my cat about this." Zarbon said.
Blacky jumped onto Zarbon's lap, "There you are Blacky! Tell me dear friend, what should we do about these women? Their necks cannot snap, and it's hard to decapitate them."
"It's fucken cat, it can't talk!" Shasha said crossing his arms.
Here was the thing, Blacky could not physically talk with Zarbon, but since Zarbon was telepathic, he could read Blacky's thoughts. All Blacky seemed to do was purr and rub up against Zarbon, and the three thought Zarbon was kind of kooky talking to a cat, who seemed not to physically talk back.
"I say destroy them!" Blacky said telepathically.
"Could you be more specific?" Zarbon asked.
So we skip to the plan of action, to give you an idea of how things got crazy, the author of this story will now play R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know it (and I feel fine)" in the background. Never heard the song? Look it up on Youtube.
After the three men put on Zarbon's underwear, the four men put on amulets that Zarbon had to protect themselves from the carnivorous, what-ever the hell those things were. They went to the harem, where the what-ever those things were, were still devouring those low-level solders.
The plan was simple, beat them up the best they could, so they would be wounded enough not to move. While they would be wounded, Zarbon would use the A-bomb spell, which would only destroy the
"demons". However, nothing could prepare him and the other three idiots for what was about to happen.
"It's beating time!" Dodoria said with a fireball in his hand.
"I vant my saxophone back!" Shasha yelled charging one of the things, and started beating it to a bloody pulp.
"Hey bitch!" Nappa yelled. That was about it, he forgot what to do next! Zarbon stepped in and threw a fireball into the face of that "demon" coming towards Nappa.
"Oh for God sake, start beating her up, we have to kill these things before Frieza comes for sex!" Zarbon yelled, holding his amulet in his hand.
"Oh yah," Nappa said stupidly.
"Be gone demons! Be gone, for the lord of the light, be gone!" Zarbon yelled in Latin.
"It's Hebrew!" Nappa said clapping his hands with joy.
He then went up to one of these "demons", grabbed her long neck and started what appeared to be jump-roping with her neck. "This should tire you out!" Nappa said.
"That is for making me leave my sax vith you!" Shasha said punching the creature in the face. He punched her in the face so hard that her face was sunk in and unrecognizable.
Zarbon went looking for some of the others, there were still three more that needed a good beating, before that A-bomb spell. Zarbon spotted two of them, "Well, well, looks like a good day to die!" He threw a fireball at both of them, and they flew into the air from the impact of the fireball and onto ground.
Dodoria found another one, he levitated towards the beast and pulled her hair and pulled it so hard that is scalped her. "I should use this as one of my trophies," he said putting the scalped hair into his underwear.
So things got ridiculous, but now came the A-bomb spell, they were beaten to a bloody pulp enough for them to use the spell. Zarbon said this Latin incantation for his spell, "I call upon the gods or god of the universe, give me a bomb powerful enough to destroy these infidels of the universe! Away you go infidels!"
Then it happened, the A-bomb spell, which was pretty dangerous now that we think about it. It not only destroyed the "demons", it destroyed the entire harem, and nearly killed Zarbon, Dodoria, Shasha and Nappa.
All that was left was a destroyed harem, with skeletons of the dead "demons" with flesh rotted off and it was a horrible stench.
"Perhaps I shouldn't have used this spell, I will take note and not use this again." Zarbon said.
"You said it! That was awesome!" Nappa said.
"We did it!" Dodoria yelled.
"I vonder vhy ve vere so scared of these vomen before, but then ve get courage to give them good beating?" Shasha asked.
"It seemed like a good idea to be afraid of them at that moment I guess." Dodoria said.
All the sudden Frieza showed up! He showed up with Verochka! All four men smiled and cheered.
"We just saved your life master Frieza!" Dodoria said.
"What the hell happened? This is a mess! My beautiful harem is in shambles!" Frieza said.
"We had little to no choice, but to beat them to a bloody pulp and use the A-bomb spell, since these harem women turned out to be demons." Zarbon said.
"You idiots! These aren't demons, they are aliens, like us! I was going to use them to help me take over planets, so they could seduce the other planet's leaders and devour them so could move into the government." Frieza said looking at the skeletons of the "demons".
"What were they doing in the harem, do you realize how dangerous that was?" Zarbon asked.
"I gave them a temporary home in the harem, so that a separate quarter could be built just for them." Frieza said.
"Vhat? Those things vere trying to kill us! They invited us to have sex vith them, and they ended up killing some of low-leveled soldiers, and nearly killed us! " Shasha yelled.
"You could have said no!" Frieza said.
"So why did you fire the other harem women to begin with?" Zarbon asked.
"Because I really did need new harem women, but Verochka talked with me tonight, so they are going to move back in. As it turns out, they aren't old enough to move onto the streets." Frieza said.
"Where am I going to live? My home, it's destroyed!" Verochka said in tears.
"Master Frieza, I looked up to you ever since I was forty years old, you have many desirable qualities in you that I could never find in my two ex-wives. How could you do this? Don't you care that they could have killed us? You could have warned us that they were carnivorous." Dodoria said.
"Dodoria, as flattered as I am that you deeply admire me, I'm going to have to decline any sexual advances you ask of me." Frieza said.
Nappa burst out laughing, "But Dodoria isn't in love with you, he just likes having you as a boss."
"Whatever, the truth of the matter is that you four fucked my plans up, and for punishment, I sentence you…to two weeks of community service!" Frieza said.
"We're going to do community service for defending ourselves? I never knew self-defense was illegal!" Zarbon said.
"It is if I say so, so in this case, it's illegal!" Frieza yelled.
At a Ginyu Force school, they were put in charge of cleaning the bathrooms and locker rooms. There was a special effort made to watch Shasha carefully so he didn't spy on the girls undressing.
"Shasha what are you doing? You're supposed to be cleaning the showers," Nappa asked.
"I am looking to see if there are women in dressing room." Shasha said.
"Get back to cleaning Shasha," Zarbon said.
"I just think its sucks that we have to do community service, I hate doing community service." Dodoria said.
"Think of it this way, we're giving back to society, in a positive manner." Zarbon said, although in truth he did not want to do community service either.
"I vant to see women, vere are they?" Shasha asked.
"Wow this is what we get for defending ourselves, does anyone else beside me question Frieza's judgment?" Nappa asked.
"Questioning Frieza's judgment is dangerous Nappa, we have to follow orders no matter how much we hate him or like him. He's the boss, and even if he doesn't know best, we still have no choice in the matter." Zarbon said.
Just then, Appule and Miretta came to bathroom, they both had food, for Zarbon and Shasha. Appule walked up to Zarbon, "Hey Zarbon when you get the chance, I brought you some crocodile fritters so you can eat them."
What were crocodile fritters? Why they were semi-sweet, fried crocodile meat. It was not a desert at all, they came in the form of popcorn chicken.
Zarbon looked at the crocodile fritters. "Thanks Appule, I could use some food right now."
Zarbon grabbed some of them and popped a few in his mouth, meanwhile Miretta gave Shasha some, what appeared to be fast food. Shasha opened the bag up and got some deep fried fries out, stuffed in his mouth.
"Where is special sauce for fries?" he asked.
Miretta nervously smiled, "They were out of sauce, I asked for some, but…"
"Go back and get me special sauce, bitch!" Shasha said taking the burger out of the bag.
Zarbon was furious when Shasha called his half-sister a bitch. Zarbon stood up and walked over to Shasha, picked him up and threw him into the lockers. Of course later on, this would end with Shasha going home and hitting Miretta, all because Zarbon stood up for her. Shasha when it came down to it was the lowest of the low.
"Shasha you are a piece of shit you know that! Miretta was kind enough to get you disgusting fast food, and you yell at her all because your stupid special sauce wasn't available! How can you live with yourself?" Zarbon asked.
"Please Zarbon, just leave him be!" Miretta said.
"I don't know why you married that creep!" Zarbon asked.
"Take it easy Zarbon, it's their relationship, not yours, let them work their problems out ok?" Dodoria asked.
"I wish Vegeta would have given me some lunch." Nappa said sadly.
"I wish someone would have given me lunch too." Dodoria said.
The men finished their community service and things went back to normal. The original harem women moved back into the harem after the harem was rebuilt. This time, the harem was designed more beautifully than it originally was to begin with. Of course Dodoria, Nappa and Shasha went back to the harem! They needed hot sex to come from somewhere!
Frieza had to explain to the planet he got those carnivorous women from that they died in a nuclear accident, of course he lied about it and said they just happened to be in an area where a there was a huge amount of nuclear energy, uhhh, that's it! The author of this story is tired of reading this incident and will now go onto the next story!