- 5 -
Ordinarily it would have been lovely to catch up with all that Andrew had been doing since last she saw him, but Samantha was so consumed with guilt at what she had done to her husband that she found it hard to concentrate on what he was saying.
"I'm sorry...what?" she said.
Andrew sighed. They were seated next to each other on the sofa so he took her hands in his.
"You've heard hardly anything I've said since you phoned Darrin's employers to tell them he has influenza and won't be coming in, have you?"
"No, I haven't. I'm sorry, Andrew, but I'm finding it impossible to concentrate. Darrin and mother have been gone for hours. Do you think they're alright?"
"I'm positive they are. Endora is a powerful witch. She won't let any harm come to him."
"She doesn't have to. I've already taken care of that myself."
"Sam, Sam, you have to stop beating yourself up over this. It was an accident. It could've happened to anyone."
"Yes, but it didn't. It happened to my husband and I'm the one responsible. A witch always knows if someone has put a spell on her, and no one did. This was me and only me. I should've been more careful."
"Sounds like they're back," said Andrew, cocking his head.
A few seconds later Darrin and Endora came down the stairs. He was wearing a floral pattern dress and his hair had been cut and styled. For an old lady his age he looked nice, but Samantha wanted the virile young man she married back. Darrin opened his mouth to speak only for someone to choose that exact moment to knock on the front door.
"Our cue to exit stage left, I think, Andrew," said Endora, and with that they were gone.
Darrin shrugged, and Samantha sighed. Talk about awful timing. She went to the door and opened it to a beaming Pleasure O'Riley who swept by her and into the house.
"I did it, Mrs Stephens!" she said. "I got measured for my civic center bikini, and it went like a dream! All the men there were very complimentary!"
"I'm sure they were," said Samantha. "I'm very happy for you, Pleasure."
That was when Pleasure saw Darrin.
"Oh, aren't you just the cutest thing!" she squealed, coming over and hugging him. "Thunderbolt told me he met Mr Stephens' grandma."
"I know I look a bit like him, but I'm not Darrin's grandmother," he said.
"You're not? But you told Thunderbolt you were."
"No, he told *me* I was. There's a difference."
"Well, if you're not Mr Stephens' grandma then who are you?"
"I'm his, ah, great aunt Edith, his mother's aunt. I'm over here visiting from, um, Australia."
"Where is Mr Stephens, anyway?" she asked, looking around. "I was hoping to see him."
"I'm know you were," said Samantha, "but Mr Stephens has come down with the flu and is in bed, so we mustn't disturb him."
"Oh, the poor thing. Well, tell him I stopped by and give him my regards."
And with that she swept out again leaving Darrin and Samantha alone.
"Your great aunt Edith?" said Samantha. "Where did *that* come from?"
"Edith Morgendorffer. She was my mother's favorite aunt, *her* mother's youngest sibling. She used to babysit mom and read all of L. Frank Baum's Oz books to her."
"What happened to Edith?"
"She and her fiance emigrated to Australia, but split up before they could get hitched. No one on this side of the world has heard from her in decades."
"I'm so sorry, Darrin," said Samantha, "about what happened to you, I mean."
"I know Sam, I know."
He stopped talking then and she just looked at him, not knowing what else to say.
"What are we going to do?" he said, eventually.
"I don't know, my darling, I really don't."
- 6 -
Andrew Fortnum dropped in on them every day the following week, both to examine Darrin and to comfort Samantha. Darrin had grudgingly submitted to these examinations so far, but he balked at what Andrew was suggesting now.
"A gynecological examination?!" he said in disbelief. "Look, Andrew, I've let you examine me all over now and even stripped naked for you twice, but you've got to leave a fellow some dignity."
"I understand how difficult this must be for you, Darrin, but if we're to have any chance at all of undoing this I daren't leave any stone unturned. Before this I only had Dr Bombay's notes to look at, but having an actual victim to examine gives me a greater chance of uncovering something he may have missed."
"And the transformed clothing Endora passed along to you didn't help?"
"No, I'm afraid not. Inanimate cloth is not the same as a living, breathing person."
Samantha had so far been quiet during this exchange, but now she piped up.
"If there's any chance at all of this helping then I think you should do what Andrew's asking, honey," she said. "I want my husband back."
He looked at them both for a moment, then sighed.
"Fine, fine. What's one more indignity on top of all the others I've suffered so far?"
"I promise to be as gentle with you as I can," said Andrew. "I'll start with a detailed inspection of your vaginal area, then I'll need to give you a full cervical examination."
Darrin saw Samantha wince at this and he knew why. No woman wants to hear the terms 'vaginal inspection' and 'cervical examination' used in connection with her husband.
"OK, let's get this over with," he said.
Andrew led him upstairs to the guest room where Darrin now slept.
"Remove everything except for your bra and your slip and lie on the bed, please," he said when they got there.
Darrin did as instructed, but no sooner had he laid down on his bed than Andrew made a mystical pass and the bed was transformed.
"Hey, what is this?" demanded Darrin. He had been hoisted higher and was now in some sort of contraption that spread his legs.
"Those are gynecological stirrups," said Andrew, positioning a chair between his legs. "They're designed to make internal examination of female patients easier. Now just relax. This will all soon be over."
"I certainly hope so."
Andrew's inspection was as gentle as he had promised it would be, but that didn't make it any less embarrassing for Darrin. Having another man touch him down there was something he found deeply humiliating.
"Right, now the cervical examination," said Andrew, reaching into his medical bag. Darrin's eyes went wide when he saw what he pulled out of it. It looked like a medieval torture device.
"What in God's name is that contraption?!" he cried.
"It's called a speculum. It will hold your vagina open and allow me to give you a proper internal examination."
"And these get used on women all the time!?"
"Why, yes."
"Then they're a lot braver as a gender than I thought they were."
Though he carried on complaining, Darrin allowed Andrew to insert the speculum into his body and to carry out the examination. When this was done, he reverted the bed to its usual form.
"OK, I'm going downstairs now to sit with Samantha. Get dressed, and when you join us I'll share my findings with the both of you."
After he had finished putting his clothes back on, Darren went to his dressing table. There among the cosmetics Endora had conjured up and which he had no intention of ever using, lay two tickets. He picked them up and stared at them sadly for a moment before heading out. Half way down the stairs he paused to watch Andrew and Samantha. They were talking about the time Andrew was away rather than Darrin's condition and Samantha was actually smiling. Engineering a final break-up between Pleasure O'Riley and Thunderbolt Swenson and then playing cupid to Pleasure and her driving instructor Harold Harold had provided a welcome distraction for her earlier in the week, but this the first time he had seen Samantha smile since his transformation.
"Ah, Darrin," said Andrew, noticing him, "please join us and I'll update you both on the current state of my investigations."
When he joined them, Andrew launched into an account of his examination of Darrin, describing it in great detail and using the terms for each part of the female anatomy down there as he went.
Samantha winced at every one.
"Before you go any further," said Darrin, taking out the tickets, "I have something to say. These are tickets to a performance at the opera."
"Oh dear, with all that's happened I'd forgotten that was tonight," said Samantha. "Are you saying you still want to go?"
"No, I'm saying I still want *you* to go. And I want Andrew to take you."
"I will of course, if that's what you want," said Andrew. "Sam?"
"Are you sure about this, Darrin?"
"Very sure. You've done nothing but worry about me since this happened. You need a break and as your husband I'm ordering you to take one, to put all this out of your mind for a while and to enjoy the opera."
"Well, if you say so," she said, sounding uncertain. "What will you do while I'm gone?"
"I'll probably pull out my typewriter and do a little writing, but don't worry about me. Now go on upstairs and get yourself ready for an evening on the town. You need this."
Samantha gave a little smile, nodded, and did just that. When she eventually came back downstairs she had pinned her hair up rather than let it fall about her shoulders as she usually did and was wearing a favourite evening dress. She looked very elegant.
"Enjoy yourself tonight," said Darrin.
"I'll try, darling," she said, leaning down to kiss him on the cheek. "And you be sure not to stay up too late working. You need your rest."
Andrew offered her his arm, she took it, and then they were gone, leaving Darrin alone with his thoughts.
- 7 -
It had finally come to this as, Darrin now accepted, it was always destined to.
"What...what is this?" said Samantha.
It was two days after Darrin's gynecological examination. Following a long discussion, they had summoned her to a meeting, him, Andrew, and her mother. Now they needed to get her to agree to what they all knew was necessary.
"Something that has to happen, Samantha," said Darrin, "the only way to end this."
"I don't understand. End what? What are you talking about?"
"Darrin has asked us to remove your memories of your time together so that you can move on with your life," said Andrew.
"What? No! Is this your idea, mother?" said Samantha, angrily. "You never approved of our marriage."
"Sam, Sam, this was my decision and mine alone!" said Darrin.
"But why?" she cried. "I love you."
"You love the man you married, but I'm not him any more, and I never will be him again."
"But all the tests Andrew's been doing..."
"Have only served to confirm this isn't something that can be undone," said Andrew. "I'm sorry, Samantha, truly I am."
"No, no, I won't accept that, I won't, I won't!"
She put her hands over her ears.
"I know you won't, darling," said Darrin, "and that's the problem. As long as I'm like this you won't stop feeling guilty over it. But it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. I'd hoped we'd one day have children together, maybe a boy and a girl, but I accept that will never happen now. This is the hand that fate dealt us and we *have* to accept it. I can't be the man you want, and I don't want to cause you any more pain."
"I promised to stand by you no matter what," said Samantha, tears welling in her eyes, "'in sickness and in health', remember?"
"Of course I do, and I love you for it. But this isn't what you signed up for or a situation any of us could have anticipated, so I release you from your vows. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, Sam, but I can't be the man you need, the man you deserve, only a constant reminder of your mistake. Your guilt is consuming you, and I can't bear it. Seeing you this unhappy is killing me, Sam."
"So this is really what you want," she sobbed, "for me to forget ever having known you?"
"It is," said Darrin. "I want you to be happy again, Sam, and this is the only way I know of to make that happen."
She stood there for what seemed like a long time, staring at him and quietly sobbing, before finally giving a small nod of assent.
"Good, now relax and empty your mind, Samantha," said Endora. "Andrew and I will do the rest."
Each of them gently placed a hand on one side of her head, and all three closed their eyes. For a minute or two nothing appeared to be happening, then Andrew and Endora simultaneously opened their eyes and lowered their hands.
"Is it done?" Darrin asked anxiously.
Samantha was standing as motionless as a statue, face expressionless, her eyes still closed.
"Yes, I think so," said Endora, "but I must do something about her appearance."
She passed her hand across her daughter's face, and what had been running mascara and tear-streaked cheeks were instantly restored to the immaculate condition in which Samantha always maintained her make up.
"That's better. Now you need to step outside for a minute, Dunston. I'll vanish, and then it's all up to Andrew."
Darrin did as Endora instructed and stepped outside, knowing as he closed their front door behind him he was closing it on his old life forever.