It's been a while since I updated this story, but a few ideas popped into my mind that I simply could not resist. The call of my OTP is strong. I can't explain it. I just love these two idiots. These things are fun to write.
Chapter Five: The Optical Trauma Chapter
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Title: I Was A 2000 Year Old Puppy-Sitter
Rating: Mature/Explicit
Summary: With Amelia and Pavarti on their honeymoon in Chicago, the job of watching their dogs is left up to Clara. Of course, wherever Clara goes, the Doctor follows. What he wants is some quality time with her. What he gets is a lesson patience from a trio of feisty Chihuahuas.
The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS and into Cricket Bat Woman's flat. He knew that Clara would be there, doing something called 'dog-sitting'. What being in that place had to do with sitting on a dog, the Doctor hadn't the faintest idea. He knew that Cricket Bat Woman and her partner had taken in three dogs shortly after John was born. The Doctor had yet to meet them, as he did not make a habit of visiting the domicile of a violently insane, cricket-bat-wielding madwoman. Said madwoman was, for some odd reason, close friends with his Clara. Now Cricket Bat Woman and her new wife were away on holiday, leaving their flat empty but for their dogs. John had been sort-of-but-not-really abducted by Clara's father and the useless woman he was married to. The boy was safe enough in their hands. The Doctor was quite pleased that now it was just himself and Clara. Since John had been born, he and Clara hardly had any time to themselves. It had been very difficult lately. The Doctor and Clara had both been feeling exceptionally frisky and John had been such a light sleeper as of late...
Well, let it just be said that the Doctor wasn't happy and neither was Clara. Some alone time was badly needed. Sex was definitely on the agenda, preferably post-adventure sex, but he'd settle for regular sex, or even just some time in Clara's company. Maybe a hand-job and a cuddle. Cricket Bat Woman had mentioned something about 'blue balls', but last time he checked, his testicles were not blue. It must be an American thing, he decided. Dismissing that irrelevant thought, he headed into the living room. Sitting on the sofa and watching the television was Clara. She had a black and tan long-haired Chihuahua on her lap, a short-haired white Chihuahua sitting on one side of the sofa, and a flat-coated fawn Chihuahua. The three Chihuahuas simultaneously turned their heads to look at the Doctor. They were strangely silent, which was odd for Chihuahuas. The Doctor couldn't help but feel a little nervous, even paranoid. Clara was the last to notice him. A cheerful expression appeared on her face as she happily said, "Doctor!"
The Doctor smiled back at his impossible girl and said, "Hello, Clara."
Clara scratched the Chihuahua on her lap under his ear and asked, "What are you doing here?"
"Can't I show up just to visit my companion?" The Doctor said with a smile.
"Well, yes, I suppose." Clara replied. "I'm just surprised to see you here, in Amelia and Pavarti's flat."
"Cricket Bat Woman isn't here." the Doctor said with a smirk. "It's just the two of us."
The three dogs then made themselves known by barking loudly, each demanding a different thing. The fawn one accused him of being an intruder. The black and tan one wanted to play fetch. The white one demanded treats. The Doctor frowned. Why did it have to be Chihuahuas? "Go. Away." he growled.
The Chihuahuas continued to bark at him and the Doctor was forced to use his Attack Eyebrows. The little dogs backed off quickly. Suddenly, there was a squeaking noise. The Doctor and all of the Chihuahuas looked up to see Clara holding a tug-rope with a squeaky toy on it. "Come on!" She said in an enthusiastic voice. She then chucked the toy across the room and shouted, "Go get it!"
The three Chihuahuas chased after the toy. The white one was the first to reach it. She seized it in her jaws and dragged it over to Clara as quickly as it could. The other two were not fast behind and attempted to steal the toy. The fawn Chihuahua succeeded and carried the toy over to Clara. The petite brunette looked up at the Doctor and smiled. "The fawn one is Paco." she introduced the dogs. "The white one is Lola and the black and tan one is Angel."
The Doctor didn't really give a damn what the little beasties' names were. "Right." he said flatly.
"It's about time to feed them." Clara said. She then asked, "Would you like to help? They're on a special diet."
"Great." the Doctor groaned.
"First, take off your boots." Clara instructed. "The carpet was just cleaned."
The Doctor grumbled under his breath and removed his boots. He then followed Clara into the kitchen. The teacher quickly prepared the meals and set them down on the ground. The three Chihuahuas then began to eat. The Doctor turned to Clara and raised a brow. She returned the gesture and said with a bit of suspicion in her voice, "You're thinking something."
"I'm always thinking." the Doctor replied.
"You're thinking about something different." Clara said with a frown. "What are you up to?"
"The dogs are distracted." the Doctor said with a smirk.
"Yes, they're distracted. What next?" Clara asked.
"Well, they're not paying attention and it'd be a waste of a clean counter if we didn't test how sturdy it was." the Doctor replied, still smirking.
"What are you getting at?" Clara inquired with a quirk of her brow.
The Doctor groaned and asked, "Clara, do I have to spell it out for you?"
Clara gave the Doctor a blank look. The Time Lord then sighed and lowered himself to Clara's level before cradling her face in his hands and claiming her lips with his. The impossible girl paused for a split second before melting into his touch. She buried her fingers into his hair, returning his kisses hungrily. The Doctor pulled Clara flush against him, letting her feel him harden against her belly. She leaned back against the counter, letting out a moan when the Doctor reached under her skirt and stroked her through her knickers. She looked up at the Time Lord and he gave her a rogueish grin before lifting her onto the counter and leaning in to mash his lips against hers again. Clara eagerly parted her lips and welcomed the Doctor's tongue with hers. He kissed his way down her jaw before sucking and nibbling his way down her neck, most likely leaving a trail of lovebites behind as he ground his hips into her core with a groan. He unbuttoned her jeans and was sliding the zipper down when he suddenly felt something warm and wet soaking his leg. He and Clara both glanced down to see Paco, leg lifted, urinating on the Time Lord's leg. "Paco, no!" Clara cried.
The Doctor shoved the dog away with his foot. He didn't kick the dog. He just shoved it. The little Chihuahua growled at him and the Doctor used his Attack Eyebrows. The dog only growled more. Clara sighed, gave the Doctor an apologetic look and took Paco out to wee as the Time Lord sonicked the urine off of his trouser leg and socks. Angel seemed amused by the whole thing and Lola just stared up at him innocently. "Little rodents." the Doctor grumbled under his breath.
After Clara had taken all three of the dogs, one by one, out to go to the bathroom, she picked up the dogs' empty bowls and set them in the sink. The Doctor shot the dogs another glare before returning his attention to his companion/lover. It seemed like sex would have to wait for later.
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A few hours later, it was time to take the dogs for a walk. Clara took all three of the dogs, each on a different leash. It had rained not long ago and the ground was littered with dirty puddles. The Doctor, of course, was at Clara's side, complaining about the Chihuahuas as he walked. "You can never trust a Chihuahua." the Time Lord said irritably. "They're fifty percent trembling and fifty percent hate."
"They're not that bad." Clara replied. "I just think that it's only Paco who doesn't like you."
"They're still evil." the Doctor grumbled. "Evil, yappy little monsters."
"They really don't bark that much usually." Clara said with a frown. "It's really strange."
"They're plotting against me, I just know it." the Doctor was not happy.
"Doctor, they are not plotting against you!" Clara groaned. "Honestly, they're usually very well-behaved."
"You say that now." the Doctor said, still not happy. "Just wait until they try to kill us in our sleep."
"Doctor..." Clara groaned.
Suddenly, a car zoomed by, driving through a large puddle and drenching the Doctor, Clara, and all three Chihuahuas. The tiny dogs began yapping uncontrollably and running around the Time Lord and his companion's legs. The leashes tightened around them, pulling them together until they lost balance and toppled over into an exceptionally dirty puddle. Clara landed flat on her back and the Doctor landed right on top of her, knocking the wind out of her. Once she was able to draw air back into her lungs, Clara groaned and the Doctor muttered, "Sorry."
Carefully, the two untangled themselves before heading back to Cricket Bat Woman's home. Clara allowed the Doctor to sonic her clothes clean, but her hair and skin were still dirty. She gave the Chihuahuas a quick wash before toweling them dry and setting them loose in the flat. The Doctor was in a similar state, clothes clean but otherwise dirty. Clara sighed and said, "I need a shower."
"So do I." the Doctor replied. He then smirked at Clara and asked, "Fancy sharing? It'd save on water."
Clara laughed and said, "You're insatiable."
"We were interrupted earlier." the Doctor said, still smirking.
Clara sighed and headed into the bathroom. The Doctor followed closely behind. The impossible girl turned the water on before she and the Time Lord disrobed and stepped under the water. Clara let out a groan as the Doctor ran a sudsy shower pouf over her body, spreading the lather all over her. They took turns washing each other, their arousal rising with every touch. When the Doctor began to lather the shampoo in Clara's hair, massaging her scalp, she let out a moan. The Time Lord could feel his manhood hardening with every soft sound that his companion made. Eventually, it was his turn to get his hair washed and he enjoyed every touch, every drag of her nails across his scalp. Once they were both rinsed, the Doctor pushed Clara against a wall and leaned down to run his tongue up her neck. She let out a soft moan as he slipped a hand between her legs and began to stroke her clitoris. She whimpered softly as she rubbed herself against his hand. She was slick with her juices and he knew that she was ready for him. He grasped her by her thighs and lifted her up, pinning her to the wall with his body. She wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his hips. The Doctor rested his forehead against Clara's and was about to enter her when a loud bark ripped through the air. The two lovers looked outside the shower to see all three Chihuahuas, sitting outside the shower and staring at them. The Doctor returned his attention to Clara and brushed himself against her entrance. "Doctor!" Clara interrupted him
"What?" the Doctor muttered.
"They're watching!" Clara hissed.
"So?" the Doctor asked.
"I can't do it with them just watching us!" Clara said with a frown.
The Doctor looked into Clara's eyes and saw that she was sincere. He let out a sigh and lowered her to the tiled floor. To be continued, then.
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Clara spent the rest of the day attending to the dogs' needs before they finally headed to their beds and went to sleep for the evening. With that taken care of, it was just the Doctor and her. The Time Lord smirked and said, "Now where were we?"
Clara giggled and flung her arms around the Doctor's neck, pulling him down to her to kiss him. They locked lips furiously as he guided her over to the sofa. He guided her down onto the cushions and watched her hungrily as she spread her legs, her skirt riding up and showing her knickers. The Doctor removed his coat and tossed it away before starting on his waistcoat. Clara also began to disrobe, first unbuttoning her cardigan and then starting on her top. Next came her skirt, followed shortly afterwards by the Doctor's trousers. They were only left in their underwear. Clara was about to unfasten her bra when the Doctor stopped her hands and said, "Let me."
He reached behind her back and expertly unclipped her bra before slipping it off of her. With her breasts exposed, he leaned down and sucked a nipple into his mouth. Clara let out a surprised hiss. He sucked and nibbled at one breast while he massaged the other with one hand. Eventually, he switched breasts before releasing the nipple and kissing his way down her belly. When he arrived at her waist, he took her underwear and pulled them down. The Doctor then pushed Clara's thighs apart a bit more before burying his face in her center. He lapped at her, laved at her, and sucked on just the right places. Clara had buried her fingers in his hair and was moaning loudly, thrashing her head back and forth as she was overwhelmed by the sensation of the Doctor's superior oral aptitude. Well, he thought that it was superior, anyway. He hadn't received any complaints. Just as Clara seemed to be at the edge of orgasm, the Doctor ceased his administrations. The petite teacher let out a frustrated groan. The Time Lord grinned and slid up her body, resting his hips between her legs and coating himself with her wetness. He prodded at her clitoris with the tip of his erection before, finally, Clara seized his head in her hands and made her look directly at him. "Stop teasing me, Doctor," she ordered, "and just fuck me."
"You're the boss." the Doctor said with a smirk.
With that said, he pushed himself into her. They both let out satisfied groans. The Doctor then began moving, sliding in and out of her with practiced ease. No words could describe how much he had missed being inside her. Well, there probably were words, but he was a bit too busy to come up with them. When one thrust hit that special spot inside Clara that made her squirm, she let out a sharp cry. The Doctor grinned wickedly and kept moving in and out of her, this time making sure to hit that spot with every thrust. As they made love on the sofa, the Doctor and Clara missed the sound of the door being unlocked. With one mighty thrust, the Time Lord brought his companion to completion as she buried her teeth into his shoulder to muffle her scream. It didn't break skin, but it came close. It would certainly leave a bruise. Just as the Doctor, with one mighty thrust, at last climaxed and spilled himself inside Clara, the familiar voice of Cricket Bat Woman said, "Hey, guys, we're ho- OH GOD!"
Still connected below the waist, the Doctor and Clara whipped their heads around to see a horrified Cricket Bat Woman and Pavarti Patil. The neurologist was stammering, attempting to come up with words to describe the situation. As the Doctor and Clara separated and frantically pulled their clothes back on, the American woman covered her eyes and wailed, "Oh, Jesus Christ, it BURNS!"
"It wasn't that bad." the Doctor scoffed.
"My eyes!" Cricket Bat Woman cried, "My delicate lesbian eyes!"
"I could have gone a lifetime without seeing Clara's boyfriend's come face." Pavarti sighed, burying her face in her hands.
"I'm not her boyfriend." the Doctor grumbled under his breath.
"Well, look on the bright side." Clara said sheepishly.
"What could possibly be the bright side?" Cricket Bat Woman snapped.
"We took good care of the dogs." Clara replied with an awkward grin.
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Title: Spanking the Monkey
Rating: Mature/Explicit
Summary: Captain Jack Harkness is in a bad way and he needs someplace quiet to 'find himself'. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done when you live with two other people and a baby. Even in a ship of seemingly infinite size, privacy can be very hard to find. One would think that someone as intelligent as the Doctor would at least remember to knock first. This fic contains gratuitous use of euphemisms.
Ah, yes. Life was good for Jack Harkness. He had a good place to live and good people to live with in a life of adventure. The Doctor let him live in the TARDIS rent-free, as long as he cooked, did his own laundry, and babysat little Johnny every now and then. He couldn't complain too much. Of course, he was feeling less than comfortable when he woke up in the Doctor's favorite chair. Another thing that was uncomfortable was the little thing- well, not so little- that was tenting his pajama bottoms. He'd had the most wonderful dream about an old flame from Regis VI, nipple clamps, a pair of red six-inch stiletto pumps, and a life-sized silicone rainbow trout. Dream logic made no sense because in real life, the life-size silicone fish would have been a sockeye salmon and the last time he had worn those heels was at the Time Agency Christmas party, so many years ago. He'd had fun at that party and those heels made his calves look fantastic. He also got travel-size food replicator from his Secret Santa. Shortly after that, he learned the identity of his Secret Santa and the two of them later met for dinner. Good times. Good times. He wondered absent-mindedly if he still looked good in heels.
Jack got up, stretched, and immediately sat down on the sofa. He had a problem below the waist that he needed to take care of. Just then, the Doctor walked in. He was, to Jack's amusement, wearing question mark pajamas. With John teething, lately the Doctor and Clara's nights had been brutal. Things like this made Jack glad that he had no children and actually made him consider getting a vasectomy. That decision could wait for another day, though. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, the Doctor grumbled, "Breakfast."
"Good morning to you, too, Doctor." Jack said with thinly veiled amusement in his voice.
"It's not a good morning, Jack." the Doctor replied. "Damn it, I could really use some of those buttermilk pancakes."
Jack was feeling a little frustrated with his current predicament and said, "I'll get back to you in about a half-hour, Doc. I need to buff the banana."
"Right, good idea." the Doctor replied. "Put some banana slices on the pancakes."
"Doctor, I'm talking about basting the ham." Jack groaned. "Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger!"
"Jack, if you want to see a yogurt slinger, it can wait until after breakfast. I can build one, though what you'd want to sling yogurt for is a mystery to me." the Doctor groused. "Ham sounds good, though."
Jack let out a sigh. There was no getting out of this one. "All right, Doc." He resigned himself to his fate. "I'll meet you in the galley."
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It was mid-afternoon and Jack couldn't stop thinking about that dream. It was fairly vanilla compared to some of his dreams, but it had still been very sexy. He was finally alone and, wouldn't you know it, he popped another boner. He really needed to choke the chicken and get it out of his system. He had to do something about it. He needed someplace private. An idea struck him. With a thought in mind, he headed to the bathroom. Once he was in there, he forgot to close the door. He turned the shower on, turning the water as hot as he could take it. While it was heating up, he quickly disrobed. He then headed into the shower. As he let the hot water blanket him, Jack let out a sigh of contentment. He reached over to the shelf and retrieved his favorite shampoo. It wasn't particularly manly, but hey, coconut smelled good. He slowly lathered his hair, enjoying the sensation of his fingers teasing his scalp as he imagined someone else washing his hair. After a while of doing this, he placed his head back under the stream of the shower and rinsed his hair. Then came the conditioner, which he savored just as much as the shampoo. Again, he liked the smell of coconut. He left the conditioner in his hair for about a minute before rinsing it out. Things were going very well. "Nice." Jack murmured. "I see what they mean when they say that I have 'magic hands'."
The Captain reached over to retrieve something else, a cocoa butter infused body wash and a shower pouf. He squeezed the bottle, squirting a liberal amount of the shower gel onto the pouf. Then, he began to wash himself. He inhaled deeply, savoring the scent of cocoa butter as he slowly caressed his body with the shower pouf. He would take his time with this, get himself into the mood. He wanted this to be the best gherkin-jerking session that he'd had in a long time. He moved the pouf across his chest, leaving behind a trail of lather. Next came his arms. He had rather nice biceps, if he did say so himself. He washed as much of his back as he could reach before sliding down to his taut, round buttocks and enjoying his own touch there. He eventually had to move on. He began to cleanse his legs, which were quite toned from the frequent running he did during adventures with the Doctor and Clara. The feeling of the lather and his hands on his thighs was something to think about. Now it was time for him to return to his torso. He washed his chest once more before slowly, sensually, running the pouf down his abdomen. He lingered there for a moment before following the trail of hair on his lower abdomen down to his groin. He lathered the curly hairs that marked him as an adult, making sure to thoroughly enjoy himself. He cleansed his genitals, savoring the sensation. He cupped his balls in his free hand, playing with them to rile himself up. By then, he was half-hard. Taking his time was definitely a good idea. He hung the shower pouf up on its hook before moving to his original goal. He took his cock in his hands and began to stroke it to hardness. Now fully erect, he began to gently tug and pull at his erection and let out a soft moan. Taking his time was definitely a good idea. He gradually increased the speed and pressure of his movements, intent on reaching his goal, but not too quickly.
Jack let out another moan as he savored the his own touch. He began to move his hips, fucking his hand, his face twisted with pleasure. The sensations that he was experiencing were simply exquisite. "Oh, yes." He groaned.
The time for patience was over. He pumped his erection with new abandon, intent on reaching his goal. He was so close. He was going to come. He was going to come from one of the best masturbatory sessions that he'd had in years. He closed his eyes, wrought with anticipation. He was so involved in what he was doing that he didn't hear someone walk into the bathroom. He didn't hear them disrobe. He didn't know that anyone was there until he heard someone talking. A feminine voice spoke up in an enticingly sultry tone, "Waiting for me in there, Doctor?"
Before Jack could respond, the speaker yanked the shower curtains open. It was Clara. "Surprise, Doc- OH MY GOD!"
Normally Jack would be quite pleased to see a beautiful woman walk in on him in the shower, but the knowledge of what the Doctor would do to him if looked at Clara the wrong way was a serious deterrent. Clara looked away, clearly mortified. "Oh god, Jack! I'm sorry!"
She turned around and covered her eyes before pulling the shower curtain shut. Jack heard the sounds of his friend putting her clothes back on and leaving. The Captain looked down at his penis. Knowing what the Doctor would do to him if he found out that Clara caught him pumping the stump in the shower was a serious boner-killer. Jack let out a sigh before rinsing himself off and leaving the shower. It looked like shaking the snake would have to wait for another time.
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Jack was getting pretty frustrated that he hadn't been able to rub one out. Was a nice, quiet place to whack his willy too much to ask for? So far, he hadn't really been able to avoid the Doctor or Clara. Sometimes he liked having an audience, but right now he wanted some privacy. He would do anything for a good, private place to arm-wrestle with his one-eyed vessel. He had been searching the TARDIS for quite a while and was growing thoroughly miserable. Needless to say, when he found a nearly-empty storage room, he was thrilled. He searched the room for somewhere to sit down, but there was nowhere to sit. Then he spotted a sturdy-looking shelf. That looked like a good place to jack it. With great ease, the Captain climbed up onto the shelf. He unzipped his trousers, lowered his underpants slightly, and drew his penis out. He stroked himself to hardness, closing his eyes as he let out a happy sigh. Once he was erect, he began to pump his erect length with an eager hand. He had to build up to it lest he become over-stimulated, so he started slowly. As he pulled and tugged on his hard sex, he was unable to suppress a moan. He caressed his balls with his free hand, enjoying the sensation. Gradually, he increased the potency of his motions. He was breathing hard as he thrust his hips into his hand. It felt so good. He needed to do this more often. He hadn't touched himself in months.
"Oh gods!" he groaned.
He knew that he was going to come soon. He could feel that telltale tightening in his balls. He was so involved that he barely noticed the door opening. The Doctor stepped in and the Time Lord turned and saw him. "Harkness, what the hell-"
The Doctor's words were interrupted by Jack's abrupt climax. The Captain looked on in horror as he ejaculated towards the Time Lord's face. He could swear that he heard an operatic Ave Maria playing in the background as his semen struck the Doctor in the face. The Time Lord had a look of abject horror on his face. He blinked as some of the copious fluid dripped off the tip of his nose. He looked utterly traumatized and, without a word, he left the storage room in a robot-like motion. Jack looked out the door and saw Clara standing there. She shook her head and said, "I cannot unsee that."
The woman then walked away, leaving Jack all by himself. It was this situation that left him feeling an emotion that he did not feel often: embarrassment. He decided that next time he found a room to crank the shank in, he would make absolute sure that he locked the door.
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I know you're out there, Jack Harkness fans. I haven't forgotten you.