A/N: Whoo! I have re-discovered the joys of writing a crackfic! Also, a note on the I've never been there, I don't recommend it, don't blame me if I suck. (Note: It's probably not a real site, but the idea came from Dane Cook and his family watch dog [dot (com, org or net, I can't remember).)

Disclaimers: Arakawa-sensei owns Edward and Envy and all those other guys, and my brother owns most of the story-plot. Not that there's much of a plot to begin with.

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Edward had seen something on TV. It was a site called Rapist Finder, a site where you type in your address and it tells you how many sex offenders were in your area. It sounded kind of fun, so Edward had made up his mind that he was going to check it out. As he typed in the url, Envy slammed the door to the apartment, obviously upset about something.

As the front page popped up, Envy's arms laced themselves loosely around Edward's neck. "What'cha doing?" He inquired in an exhausted tone.

Edward shrugged off the Sin and muttered something about looking something up. With a noncommittal shrug, Envy sauntered off, having lost interest. Reading the instructions, Edward typed in his address, thinking that maybe only eight or nine red dots would show up in the area around the apartment.

Boy was he wrong.

His little green dot seemed to be swarmed by a sea of red. Eyes wide, Ed tried to count how many red dots were on his apartment alone. Scrolling down to get a better view, Edward saw that not only were most of the apartment numbers listed, but his own was on the list.

Edward whacked his brains to try and figure out if he'd ever been pegged for a sexual offence.

"E-Envy?" called Edward, having no memory of every being arrested for anything other than vandalism or starting an uproar.

"Yeah?" replied the Sin, his mouth full of the toast he'd just half-successfully made himself.

"Have .. Have you ever been put in jail for any kind of .. Er .. Sexual offence?"

With a loud, dry swallow, Envy shook his head and pulled up a chair next to Edward. "Why?"

The blond quickly minimized the window. "Nothing!" he replied, a little too quickly.

Curious, the green haired one shoved Edward off his chair and maximized the window. He cocked his eyebrow at the boy inquiringly when he managed to disentangle himself from the chair and quickly exited, slapping away the homunculi's hand.

"You know what," said Envy mischievously, "I think I was thrown into the slammer once for molesting someone in their sleep."

Edward backed away. "Wh-Wh-What?" stammered the boy.

"Yeah, the kid was being nosey and I thought I'd teach him a lesson."

The young alchemist continued to back away from the Sin, now fearing for his safety. "I-I ..." he started.

"Just kidding!" sang the Sin, hopping up from his seat and skipping off to the kitchen once more.

Edward held a hand to his chest, feeling only slightly relieved. "I don't know if I should laugh or cry ..." he muttered to himself. "That man is just too weird ..."

"Hey, Edo-kun?" asked Envy loudly, popping his head around the corner of the divide.

Edward glared at the Sin. "What now?" he growled.

"I think I just killed the little man."

Edward blinked at Envy, perplexed. "Little ... Man?"

"Yeah, the one from the cell phone."

"Er, how'd you ...?"

"He was suntanning in the toaster."

"..."

Envy giggled at the look on Edwards face. "I don't suppose this would be a good time to bring up the fact that we also need to replace the toaster."

Edward bellowed angrily at the top of his lungs, lunging at the Sin's throat. Envy easily dodged the flying blond pinto bean and giggled once more. "Now, now Edo-kun, does someone need a spanking?"

Knowing just how loaded the comment was, Edward immediately halted his angry tirade. Great, thought Ed, more to worry about ...