Inspired by Give me a reason
Disclaimer: Neither the characters or the song are mine but imagine what I could do if they were.
This is the 3rd one shot in this series, please check them all out if you haven't already.
Give me a reason
by John Farnham
Some people are dreamers, they live for the future
As if it would work out, just as they dreamed it
Would work out - somehow
Others get caught in yesterday's papers
Too busy reading, to get on with living
But I - live for now
Sometimes it's easy to make up excuses
On the flimsiest pretext and then call them reasons
But where are they now?
Like I'm way too busy, I can't be involved now
And then there's the standby about understanding
But they're - wrong somehow
I'll climb more than a mountain
Swim more than an ocean
Build up an island
Live for a lifetime
Just give me a reason and I'll come running
When I have reasons, I know the way
I'm pointing my feet in the right direction
Give me a reason
Some people are dreamers, they live for the future
As if it would work out, just as they dreamed it
Would work out - somehow
I'll climb more than a mountain
Swim more than an ocean
Build up an island
Live for a lifetime
Just give me a reason and I'll come running
When I have reasons, I know the way
I'm pointing my feet in the right direction
Give me a reason
--Give Me a Reason--
Caught between the legacy of her parentage and the dream of what one day may or may not be, Olivia was trapped in the present and it wasn't the place she wanted to be. Swamped with endless cases whose sole purpose seemed to remind her of the evil in the world she felt like she was drowning.
On the few occasions she had summoned the courage to reach out and connect to someone she had been thwarted and each dashed opportunity imprinted the same message on her psyche – that being, she was truly alone … there was nothing and nobody in this life for her. She was born without love and she would die the same way.
Each morning when she awoke, the toll of being Olivia Benson was extracted, she'd look in the mirror and, as the days and years added their stresses to her face and body, she'd begin to wonder why she was alone. What was is about her that destined her to a life which was empty and lonely? How was it that everyone else in a city of millions seemed to have a significant other and she was waking up alone, yet again?
Not wanting to spend another moment contemplating the nothingness of her life, Olivia dressed and headed to work. One look at the board told her it was going to be another long day, and night, because in the city that never sleeps, neither did evil.
"What have we got?" asked Elliot, taking off his jacket and scanning the board.
"More crap," Olivia muttered, fed up with all the debased, deranged deviates who confronted her on a daily basis.
"Huh?" Elliot studied his partner as she studied the file in front of her. "Liv?"
"What?" she replied sharply.
"You okay?" he asked, sitting down opposite her.
"Of course I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be?" she retorted, really not in the mood for anyone, least of all her partner.
"You don't seem yourself," he commented cautiously.
"And who do I seem like?" she questioned, glaring at him.
"I don't know," he answered, going for the safe option.
Slowly Olivia pressed both palms onto her desk and forced her body upright, her eyes never moving from his.
"You don't know?" she growled. "Well, when you do work it out, Detective, let me know." With that she stormed off and headed up to the cribs.
In stunned silence Elliot watched her leave.
"What was that about?" asked Fin, following Elliot's gaze to the stairwell.
"No idea," he replied.
"You going to go find out?" he asked.
"Not until she's calmed down or I find a cup," he answered, picking up his mug.
"Where's Olivia?" Don asked, scanning the bullpen as he came from his office.
"Bathroom," lied Elliot.
"Okay," he said, "tell her to see me when she gets back."
"Everything alright, Don?" Elliot asked, noting his boss' worried expression.
"Um, probably," he answered slowly. "Just get her to come in."
"You gonna get her now?" asked Fin when Don was back in his office. "Or do you want me to go?" he offered when Elliot didn't move.
"No, I'll go," he said, standing. His partner's moods we're nothing new in recent times and while in the past he knew the difference between PMS and her just being plain pissed, often at him, this was different.
He rapped a couple of times on the crib door, even though it was a public domain for all officers.
"Liv?" he called quietly, as he opened the door and saw her sitting with her back to him. She didn't answer. He moved closer to her. "Olivia?"
"What?" she replied, though it wasn't as clipped as it was earlier.
"Cragen wants to see you," he answered.
"Why?" she questioned.
"He didn't say … just wants you in his office," Elliot explained. He watched from behind as her hand came up and quickly brushed over her face.
"Terrific," she muttered as he stood and turned, the tracks of her tears clearly evident.
"Hey," he said, moving to block her path. "What's wrong, Liv?" he asked gently. It had been so long since he'd seen her cry.
"Don't pretend you care," she said, more sadly than anything else, as she side stepped him and went to see Don.
For the life of him Elliot could not figure out the cause of the animosity she seemed to have towards him. There was nothing he had done of late to warrant it and, in any case, she was usually more than vocal about him and his behaviour when he had done something to upset her. By the time he reached the bullpen Olivia was in with Don and the door was shut. A couple of times he heard raised voices but couldn't quite work out the content of the conversation. Then he heard a door slam. Looking up he realised it was the one leading into the corridor and not back into the bullpen.
Jumping up he intended to go after her but was stopped by Don's voice.
"Elliot, in here," he ordered. Reluctantly, Elliot turned and followed his boss into the office.
"What's happening between you and Benson?" he asked abruptly.
"Nothing, why? What did she say?" Elliot answered.
"Nothing," Don replied. "But she's seriously upset about something and I believe it relates to you."
"Honestly, Don, I can't think of anything I've done to her to cause this," Elliot said. "There's been no argument, no difference of opinion …nothing. Maybe it's all the long hours of late but … I don't know. What did she say exactly?"
"That she wanted out," Don replied, and watched as Elliot's jaw dropped.
"Out of what?" he choked, true they had difficulties getting along every now and then but he couldn't imagine what he'd do if she left him … again.
"She wasn't specific … I asked her if she wanted out of your partnership, the squad, the department, the city and she shrugged at each one of them. When I pressed her for an answer she sighed and said 'Nothing …everything – I want out of everything'. When I said I didn't like the sound of that and that I thought she should talk to Huang, she stormed out."
"Shit!" muttered Elliot, getting to his feet. "Where did she go?"
"No idea."
It took Elliot four hours and thirty seven minutes to find her and it was in the last place he had expected her to be … sitting cross legged on the ground next to her mother's grave. It was only by chance he stopped at the cemetery; due to road works he had been forced to detour past the front gates. For ten minutes he stood by an old elm tree, its canopy shading the final resting place of many. Silently he watched her as she sat without moving the entire time. It was cold out and when it began to rain she didn't move. Even through his overcoat Elliot shivered, he then realised she was wearing nothing over her blue blouse which was now soaked through. He took off his jacket and went to her.
"Liv, you're freezing," he said, wrapping her in his coat. She didn't acknowledge him. "Olivia, stand up," he said firmly, pulling her up without consent. She looked at him and for the first time allowed him to see the pain and anguish she had tried so hard to hide in recent times. "Talk to me," he whispered as he wrapped his arms around her, trying to heat her icy skin and bring colour back to her face.
"You're the last person I want to talk to," she said softly, before trying to pull away, an effort which was in vain.
"Then let me find someone you will talk to… Casey? Melinda? Fin? Anybody?" he said desperately. She shook her head.
"Not worth it," she muttered and rested her forehead on his chest, a move which surprised him.
Pulling her tightly to him, he shuddered as a breeze picked up chilling his body through his soaked clothes. "Olivia, we need to get out of this weather … your place is closer." When she didn't object, he began walking them towards the car. She turned for one last look at her mother's grave.
"I think I want to be buried with her," she whispered, not wanting to spend eternity alone. Her words and mournful tone sent Elliot's brain into overdrive.
/././
Forty minutes later both were showered and dressed in sweats, Elliot grateful for the sports bag with his gear he had thrown into the trunk that morning. When he emerged from the bathroom Olivia was curled up in the armchair, her eyes closed, endless sleepless nights taking their toll. Elliot fought his impulse which was to grab her and hold her until she told him what was happening or was at least comforted but he didn't. After eight years as her partner he was well used to controlling all impulses when it came to responding to her, physically.
Sitting down on the sofa he watched her for awhile until he realised she wasn't asleep.
"Want some coffee? Tea?" he asked her, getting back to his feet. She shook her head and he headed off to her kitchen, making himself at home as he opened the cupboards to search for the items he needed.
"I'm out of coffee," she said from the doorway surprising him.
"Oh, it explains why I can't find it then," he grinned.
"And I'm out of milk," she added.
"Good thing there's no coffee then," he replied, trying to ease the tension.
"Haven't had a chance to get to the store lately," she said, leaning on the door jamb.
"I can relate to that," he said, returning the mugs to the cupboard. "My shelves are looking a bit bare too." He studied her for a moment. "How about I go to the coffee shop down the block and get some lunch?" She shook her head.
Elliot looked at the dark circles on Olivia's face; they were enhanced by the pallor of her skin. It was apparent she hadn't been sleeping of late, and if her cupboards were anything to go by she wasn't eating either.
"I'm okay, Elliot," she said, watching his eyes dart over her face. "You go back to the precinct and I'll ring Don."
"You're kidding, right?" he asked incredulously. After the events of the morning there was no way he was going anywhere until he knew exactly what was going on.
"No, I'm not," she replied, turning and heading back to the armchair. "You don't need to be here."
"I don't need to be anywhere else but here," he corrected, knowing it would test her patience.
"I don't need a babysitter," she said sharply, pulling her knees up to her chest.
"How about a friend?" he asked gently, sitting down on the sofa.
"Do you know where I can find one?" she asked, staring at him.
He shifted uncomfortably. "I'm your friend, Olivia," he said. She smiled wryly; of all the terms she had called him lately, friend wasn't one of them.
"I don't think so," she sighed.
Silence ensued. An uncomfortable silence.
"Why aren't I your friend?" he asked, visions of grade school coming back to him.
"You really have to ask?" she responded shaking her head.
"Yeah, I do … I've wracked my brain and for the life of me can't think of anything I've done to you that …" he began but she interrupted.
"That's right," she interjected. "You haven't done anything to me…" Her steady voice trailed.
"I don't get it," he replied. "Did I do something or not?" Normally by now he'd be yelling in frustration but her whole demeanour worried him and he wasn't about to upset her further.
Olivia's shrug did nothing to enhance the conversation or to explain the situation.
"Olivia," he began, his eyes staying fixed on the coffee table. "Until about a month ago we were getting along well, weren't we?" His eyes glance to her and she nodded. "In fact," he continued, "I thought we were getting along better than we had in a long time." He smiled at her, remembering the newfound closeness of their relationship only five or six short weeks ago; the dinners, the DVDs, the nights at the bar … all friendly and casual. That was before the deluge of cases hit them and neither of them had a change to breathe let alone socialise.
Elliot sighed, he hadn't been as happy as he was in those days, weeks, with Olivia. Divorced, he was finally in a position to act on his long standing feelings for his partner … and had planned to do it when work slowed down. Only when work did slow down this was the Olivia he had to contend with.
"So," he started, moving to sit on the coffee table in front of her. "I need you to tell me what changed or what I've done … because, Liv, I honestly don't know."
"You remember the night at Ridgeway's with the guys, just before we got swamped?" she asked, he nodded smiling at the memory of just how close they had gotten that night. "I thought you were going to kiss me," she continued. "And I wanted you to …"
"I wanted to, too," he admitted.
"And I thought I had a chance of getting something I finally wanted out of life … a chance of … I don't know … happiness," she admitted, her eyes never meeting his.
"So did I," he agreed softly.
"And in a life of … darkness … it had been a brief bright light," she said, talking more to herself then him. Silence fell once more.
"Liv, what did I do wrong?" he finally asked.
Olivia's eyes slowly moved up and locked onto his; her pain strong enough to sting his eyes.
"Why didn't you tell me Kathy was pregnant?" she asked slowly.
"Who told you?" he countered, his eyes widening.
"It doesn't matter," she replied. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"It wasn't important," he replied and she closed her eyes, shaking her head.
"It was to me," she said softly.
"It wasn't to me," he said, reaching out and taking her hand. "I'm not the father, Olivia, if that's what you've been thinking."
He watched as her eyes opened and locked onto his. "It's not my baby," he reiterated.
She shook her head confused and thought back to the moment she found out and all her hopes and dreams for a future with him shattered.
"Hello Olivia," Kathy called, startling her as she picked up a tube of toothpaste from the shelf.
"Hi Kathy," she replied, turning to face her partner's ex-wife. "How are you?"
"Really good," Kathy answered, a huge smile spreading over her face. Olivia cringed inwardly, she never really liked the woman and really wasn't in the mood for small talk.
"Great," Olivia said, moving along the aisle. Kathy stayed put. "So, what's new with you?"
"You don't know?" Kathy asked wide-eyed. "I thought El would have told you."
"Told me what?" she asked, an uneasy feeling creeping in at Kathy's enthusiasm and friendliness.
"I'm pregnant!" she gushed. "Three months along."
"Pregnant?" Olivia gulped.
"Yes and we're so happy and excited," Kathy continued. "I was sure Elliot would have told you."
"Um, no, he didn't," she said, her stomach churning at the thought the man she wanted desperately to kiss a week ago had gotten his ex-wife pregnant, again. "Look, sorry to cut this short, but I have to go." Olivia wanted to get out of the drug store before the tears stinging her eyes made an appearance.
"Okay," said Kathy. "Great to see you, Liv. We must catch up soon."
"Sure," Olivia replied, dropping the toothpaste back onto the shelf, not wanting to spend another second in the store. "Bye."
"Why not? How come?" she questioned trying to get things clear in her head.
"There are a many explanations as to why I couldn't have gotten her pregnant again," he said.
"Just give me a reason?" she asked, as his thumbs began swirling over the backs of her hands.
"Because I don't love her," he answered.
Olivia scoffed, "We all know love doesn't equal sex and pregnancy." She went to pull her hands away.
"Well, what about the reason that I love you? Is that a good enough reason why I wouldn't be sleeping with Kathy or anyone else?" he asked, pulling her hands back to his chest.
Olivia sat stunned, he loved her … he … loved … her. That wasn't possible. This was not how her life went. She didn't get what she wanted… she didn't even get what she needed. Yet, here was Elliot Stabler, the man she wanted and needed more than anything telling her he loved her.
"Is me loving you enough…" he asked, breaking her from her thoughts… "of a reason?" She nodded. "Good, because I do love you, Olivia." Tenderly, he kissed her hand which was still clasped in his. Slowly he reached in, his lips brushing her cheek before finding her lips for a slow, sweet exchange. When he pulled back his gaze locked onto Olivia's eyes, the pain from earlier was still there but significantly diminished. He reached in and kissed her again, vowing to himself that he would do all that he could to erase her pain completely, knowing he had a huge job ahead of him with the life she had endured thus far. But as his lips met hers again and again, he knew this was his life's purpose.
Olivia's mind spun with the turn of events, here was her partner soothing her with his words and his kisses. True, she had wanted this for a long time but she given up hope it would have ever happen. She had resigned herself to a life of loneliness. But as his tongue slipped through her lips to caress her mouth she had a moment of clarity; this was her life had led her too, this moment … this exchange. Everything seemed to make sense to her and although she knew it wasn't a magical cure it gave her comfort to know she was no longer alone… he'd given her the best reason.
The End
If you don't know John Farnham, check him out on Youtube - he has the most amazing voice.