Carth

She was gone for so long. She walked out on me that day, without ever telling me what I wanted to hear. Perhaps it wouldn't have changed anything, but I would never had let her walk away from me if she had said it. The days past, and I was left with my pain and anger. And my love. This last sensation, which was causing the other feelings. When I first met Amida, she had begun to change me. Slowly, she had drained me of hate and my grief, until I was a person once again. She had saved my life; she had helped save the life of my son. I owed her more than I could ever repay; but I was unable to return the favour.

That day she walked away, I had seen hate and grief in her eyes, pain and confusion had radiated from her like the rays from a sun. Perhaps it was not as obvious for me, because I was not jedi, but I loved her so damn much that I could see it in her face. That was two months, sixteen days and half a day ago. No one had seen her since, and the search parties were getting anxious. Because she had ran away from them, they were unsure of whom she really was, and they wanted her back in the temple so they could have her under control. The thought repelled me, for Amida had loved her freedom so dearly. But perhaps they were right. At least I had thought so for the first week, but soon my fears were for her, not for what she might do.

I stayed out of it, though. I reported to the office, got a new assignment, a new ship. The other men laughed at my "fling with death" as they called it. Somehow everyone knew what had happened between me and Amida. I never laughed with them.

My new duty was a ship that was doing routine patrolling around a distant moon. Nothing fancy, nothing to interest or divert me. I got too much time to think. On the ship it was well enough, I could find something to do, someone to order to do something. Some nights I took the pilot's chair, sometimes I helped them tinker in engineering. It earned for me in that time a reputation for being a helpful captain, always ready to lend a hand. The men saw no longer than that.

It was the first shore leave after a month that had driven me back to drinking. I had never drunk to kill pain since Morgana's death, and it made me realize two things. The hangovers didn't really kill the pain, and my love for Amida would not die; it even rivalled the passion I had once had for Morgana.

Another month, I was like a malfunctioning droid. I did my duties, but my thoughts were constantly concerned about her whereabouts. At the next shore leave I realised that I would always love her, Revan or Amida, as long as there remained something in her to remind me of the girl I loved.

It drove me to the bars again.

I was dead drunk when Jolee found me. He must have been looking for me, for otherwise there is no way how he could have recognized me in the gutter. I was unshaved, torn dirty and I smelled like a horde of Banthas.

I didn't notice him, until he grabbed me. You know his way of looking like a frail old man? It's a deceiving appearance, for the man is made of steel. He got me up and dragged me over to a fountain near by. He almost drowned me, but at least by then, the thought had penetrated my thick head, that he wanted something. He would never had gone through the trouble of finding me else.

So I tried to ask him. He kept trying to drown me for a good while before he stopped pretending that he didn't hear me. Finally, he let go of me, and I sat down on the edge of the fountain, trying to focus on his blurry form.

"This has gone on for far too long," he said. His voice was as calm and dry as always, but there was a fair amount of exasperation in it, that I think I have never heard before.

"Revan has been gone for almost three months. Those fools in the temple believe that they can find her, but you and I know better."

She can't be found if she doesn't want to, I tried to tell him. The words came out a little jumbled and he frowned at me.

"Strange that you are saying that, being the only person that can find her."

His words had a better effect than the cold water.

"What?" I asked, straightening.

"Do you think she wanted to be found all those times? Do you think it was her plan to cry into your shoulder? You were affecting her as much as she was working on you."

His words stop time. Every noise of the bars, of the night, ceases. In the darkness her face appears before me like a vision. How did she look when I found her? On Tattoine for example. She had been surprised, I realised now. Jolees words were like keys to a million doors of new expressions she had. She hadn't sneaked into the cockpit so often only because she wanted me to talk.

Jolee was regarding me and his gaze reminded me of a disapproving teachers.

"Now, boy, we have much to do and little time. Make sure to keep away from drinking, or else we might have to search for ever."

It came to me then, that he was also searching for Revan.

He didn't lend an arm for support, so I tottered after him like a dizzy child. He didn't take me back to the temple, but to the Ebon Hawk, that stood on a landing pad outside town.

Then we began the search.

Three months, eighteen days and twenty-two hours. We are still looking. Three months, twenty-nine days and two hours. I am starting to think Jolee is mad and mistaken.

Three months, three weeks, six days and seventeen hours. We have finally found her.

I was searching outside of town, talking to the farmers and the children. It was a hot day, and the wind was filled with flowers and drying fruit. My hope was almost gone; it had slowly burned itself out during the search. I had tried so hard to find her. But his day I didn't even try. I was walking slowly, thinking back at the time on the Falcon, of our talks and our laughs.

And suddenly, there she is.

She is slumped against a wall, and people are passing her as if she is dirt or trash. Her eyes are closed and her hair's like a wild nest. My heart almost stopped, but when I saw the slow rising and falling of her chest, it resumed beating. She looks more or less the same, dirty and torn, but she is still my Amida.

Then she opens her eyes. She looks right at me, and the madness I see in them makes me mutter a curse. It's still her eyes, green, with flecks of every colour imaginable, but they are filled with chaos. As if the universe had been turned into a feeling and forced upon her.

I back of, slowly, as one does with wild animals not to scare them, and I call for Jolee.

While I'm waiting for him, Revan is watching me. It's impossible to decide if she has recognized me, or not.

Jolee comes. Even his calm and dryness is shaken by what he finds. He may be one of the last persons picked up, but he has a father's love and pride for her. He approaches her slowly, like I did, and at a safe distance he kneels down in the dust and looks at her. She looks back, warily, like a wild animal.

"Amida," he asks her slowly. For a moment her face contorts, emotions fight in her face.

"Jolee?" she asks, in a pleading voice, like a small child after a nightmare. Then her face contorts again, and she suddenly bangs her head fiercely in the wall.

"No," she mutters, "I'm Revan. Revan. Revan." There is blood on the wall before Jolee stops her. He simply does what I dare not to, rises, walks up to her, and grabs her. She doesn't resist. Her eyes meet mine again and I can suddenly see recognition in them.

"Carth?" She says, in Amidas voice. "Have you come to save me?" A storm rages past in her eyes, and then she laughs. It is a bitter laugh, full of madness. "You'd better stay away from me," she rages. "Look at what I did with Malak."

Jolee drags a hand over her eyes, and she falls against him. A jedi trick I had never seen before. Perhaps it was only for emergencies.

We took her back to the ship. Cleaned her, treated her wounds and scratches. She is sleeping now, the uneasy sleep of someone who has bad dreams. She wakes up from time to time, but always with that haunted look in her eyes. Chaos.

Madness.