Meredith quits her job the next day and spends the next week in a hotel room in a drunken blur.

She's barely sober when she finds out that she passed her boards, and though she gets offers all over the country, she eventually accepts a fellowship at Seattle Grace despite her desire to stay in the city.

She can't stay in New York. It's their place. She can't stand to be near him, and she definitely can't stand to be gossiped about anymore at work. The vultures would have a field day to know that Mark Sloan has finally come to his senses and has driven the intern away - despite not being an intern in four years.

And there's no way she can work with Mark - the thought of it alone makes her want to hurl.

A fresh start is exactly what Meredith needs. She'll have a new job, a new life, and she'll even have her best friend back. Things will be okay.

At least that's what she keeps telling herself.

It worked for Cristina all those years ago. It can work for her too.

After a week spent making plans, ignoring phone calls from Mark and rarely leaving her hotel room, she goes back to the house after checking Mark's schedule with the hospital knowing that he wouldn't be there for hours due to a long surgery. She doesn't linger, she stuffs her clothes into suitcases, wondering how she's got so many clothes since all she seems to wear these days are scrubs, and packs the rest of her shit as fast as she can. She doesn't take any furniture, just her clothes and her possessions. It all fits into her car in one trip, and though she knows that she shouldn't, Meredith can't resist packing up a picture of her and Mark when they went on their one and only holiday to Bali.

Meredith pauses just as she's about to lock up once everything is loaded into her car, and though she knows how painful being here is, she can't bring herself to leave right away. There's too many memories within these walls for her ever to feel peace again, but Meredith Grey had been happy for a time, and that alone was a miracle. Turning back, she notices how bare the lounge looks without her mess and clutter filling the place. Mark would always complain about how messy she is, and she sure as hell can't count the amount of times he's tripped over a shoe or a book she's been reading and the fight that would ensue.

She wonders what will he think when he comes home only to find all of her stuff gone. Will he care? Perhaps he will even be glad to finally be rid of her. That was what this little stunt was about, she was sure of it. It was Mark's way of ending things. He's far too much of a coward to sit her down and tell her straight.

Anger seeps into the very marrow of her bones.

How dare he?

She's not naive enough to believe that the breakdown of their marriage is solely his fault, but how dare he cheapen the past five years by bringing a woman into their home-

Before she can stop herself, Meredith storms into the kitchen and grabs the first knife her fingers curl around and heads for the stairs. She ignores the rational part of her brain telling her to think this through because this is a really bad idea and makes her look bat shit crazy. Her anger grows with each step, the memory of how sick she felt as she walked these stairs listening to the sound of his moans as he got his pleasure from someone who wasn't his wife, of how he humiliated her and broke her-

It's something that she can't forgive.

Her fingers tighten around the knife as she storms into their bedroom, her eyes lingering on the unmade bed. Meredith snarls and hurls herself at the bed and stabs the mattress over and over again, pouring all of her hatred and bitterness and anger into every slash until she feels nothing.

Slowly, she stands and observes her masterpiece. The mattress is ruined. Meredith mouth twists into a bitter smile and she tosses the knife onto the bed.

Fuck him.

Fuck them.

II

He calls her every hour that night when he realises that her stuff has gone.

She doesn't answer.

Meredith boards a plane to Seattle two days later after making arrangements to have her car and other belongings sent to her. She thanks the heavens that her mother never sold her childhood home, and even though the place is filled with less than pleasant memories, she's thankful enough that she doesn't have to sleep on Cristina's couch. She contemplates calling Cristina to tell her that she's here, but she knows that Cristina will attack her with questions and she's just not up for that yet. So for three days she settles back into her childhood home with only herself for company. And her ringing phone.

By the third day she's fed up of her own company and is eager to get back to work. After two weeks without cutting, she's in agony and doesn't understand how anybody can stand staying home day in and day out.

Meredith tries not to think about him. Of course she fails, but the blinding pain is pushed aside as she unpacks and moves her mother's furniture around to try to make the house hers, not the place where she raised herself, where her mother tried to kill herself, where her father left her.

The only good thing about the place is that there are no reminders of Mark to haunt her.

He invades her thoughts anyway despite her best efforts. What's he doing? Does he miss her half as much as she misses him? Why does he have to constantly hurt her? Who was he with that night? Is he sorry? Is he glad that it's finally over?

Every time her phone rings she has to stop herself from answering. The moment she hears his voice she knows that her resolve to stay away from him will crumble. The moment he explains himself, she will fall for his shit once more and she just can't do it to herself anymore. She's so fucking tired. She can't take the pain anymore. The little self-respect she has left forced her to leave him, to protect herself from anymore pain.

She's Meredith Grey. She is never second best, and she sure as fuck does not tolerate being cheated on.

But it's Mark. He's the man that she loves above anything else in this world. He's the only man to ever love her and to never leave her. And just because they've had a really, really bad time in their lives, her love for him doesn't just go away.

There had been rumors this past year about his infidelity, but she hadn't believed them. He wouldn't have done that to her, not after everything they'd been through together. She'd known his reputation, hell, she didn't have a much better one, but she knew him. He'd changed.

Her carefully concealed emotions will break through the moment she hears his voice and she will break down. She can't listen to him tell her that it was a mistake and how it would never happen again. Or worse, hear him tell her that he wants a divorce and that he doesn't love her anymore.

But what hurts the most isn't his betrayal. She can live with the pain of that if she has to. She's been through worse.

But she's alone now. Well and truly alone.

It takes all of Meredith's self control to not reach for a bottle of tequila and smother herself in parties, alcohol and boys until she can't even remember who Mark Sloan is. She would have a few years ago, but she's not the same girl anymore. She grew up too.

Instead she tries to be an adult and tells herself that it's better this way. The cycle has been broken, and they can both move on with their respective lives.

She almost succeeds in believing it, she's a master at avoiding and lying to herself. But late at night when she's alone in her big bed, she let's herself face the truth, just for one moment.

She thought that she'd feel relieved that she's finally left him and the pain of the last year behind, but there's a new pain now brought by the knowledge that they'll never be Mark and Meredith again. He will live his life in New York, and she will live her life in Seattle. It hurts having to admit defeat for what she's been fighting for for the past year. But she can't deal with that right now so she pushes the pain away. She doesn't cry, not one tear has dropped since she made the decision that she couldn't deal with anymore of their bullshit. She knows that she's not the most emotionally stable person in the world, but not shedding a tear over your broken marriage is beyond fucked up. Even cold, controlled Cristina cried when Burke left. But now that she's left the man she's loved for five years without saying goodbye, there isn't one drop of water coming from her eyes. Maybe she's all cried out for the next decade.

Or maybe she really needs a fucking drink.

But no matter what's happened, how much he's hurt her and how much she's hurt him, she still loves him. They were happy for four years, and those years mean everything to her. It's better to be really happy for a short time in your life than just being okay for all of it. The pain of the last year could never erase the complete bliss she felt for four years. Even though he hurt her and she hurt him, she could never regret them.

II

The pain does not go away, but her anger starts to diminish it. The night before she starts work, Meredith goes to a bar. She puts on a black dress that is borderline indecent and the highest pair of heels that she owns. She dresses with one purpose, to catch a man's attention. If he can sleep around, then so can she. For a moment she questions whether going back to her former lifestyle is a good idea, but then she can still hear his moans echoing in her ears and her resolve strengthens.

When a man sits next to her she can feel his eyes on her. He's handsome, somebody she would have allowed in her bed with enthusiasm if she had met him five years ago. He is no Mark Sloan though. She turns to him and hopes her smile isn't as fake as it feels. "Do you want to buy me a drink?"

Within an hour she is being pushed up against the wall around the back of Joe's bar whilst this man whose name she does not remember pants in her ear as he fucks her. Meredith tries to forget it all and tightens her legs around his waist. He sighs her name and tells her how good she feels, but all Meredith feels is the rough scrape of the brick through the thin material of her dress. As he moves inside of her, all she can think about is how different he feels to Mark. How Mark would have made her come by now. How Mark was a far more generous lover. She kisses him, trying to absorb herself in the moment, but Mark's face keeps flashing in her mind and it takes everything in her not to cry.

She feels cheap and dirty and not once did she ever feel like this when she was with Mark-

This is a mistake.

She's about to push him away when he moans against her neck and finds his release. He pulls away and carefully sets her on her feet as he zips up his trousers.

If he notices the tear that falls he is too polite to say anything about it.

II

Her will to carry on and to survive has always been strong. She's been surviving since she was five years old when her father left and her mother barely tolerated her presence. She may look like a delicate little flower, but inside she is stronger than anybody knows. The morning that she is due to start work, she wakes up and tells herself that she can get through this. She can start over here, nobody knows her, knows what she's been through. She can be Dr Meredith Grey, a great surgeon, not Meredith Grey who seduced her attending, made him fall in love with her and got him to put an engagement ring on her finger.

By the time she's showered, dressed and in her car, she starts to believe that maybe she actually can do this. Move on. She just doesn't know how to. She's left him, left New York, but what now? Mark's been a constant presence in her life for the past five years. He was the only one who made her feel happiness, feel loved. Mark easily dominated and breached every defense she had built around herself since she was a child. She depended on him, and now that she doesn't have him, she doesn't know how to be alone anymore.

The moment she walks through the doors of Seattle Grace, she feels confidence spreading throughout her body for the first time in a year. Being a surgeon is what she's good at, it's in her blood, it's what she's trained to do. Without the constant stares she is back in her element. There is nobody to judge her here for her indiscretions or to gossip about her past. Here she can be known for her skills, not her personal life.

Meredith's heart beats in excitement as she looks around. She had wandered these hallways as a child, alone and with her mother. She even has a few memories of her father taking her to see her mother. A smile tugs at her mouth because for the first time in a year she feels hope.

Maybe she is going to be okay after all.

Though it has been years since she has walked these halls, she remembers her way around. Meredith ignores the curious glances that come her way as she makes her way to the Chief's office. She's used to the stares. At least they are curious instead of the pity and scornful looks she's grown used to.

The last time Meredith saw Richard Webber was at her mother's funeral almost eighteen months ago. Despite her mother's death, she'd been happy. Her mother was finally at peace after years of hating what she had become, and things with Mark were great. The little smiles he would send her way through the day and the reassuring hand which was always on her aching back were a reminder that she wasn't alone. Although her mother had died, she still had a family.

It's funny how one moment in your life can change everything.

Richard was always present in her earliest memories. He had worked with her mother since the day she was born until they eventually left for Boston. There were times, especially after her father left, when her mother left her to wander around the hospital when she was in surgery and there was nobody to take care of her. Richard would sometimes come to take her for something to eat and would even play some very ridiculous games with her that made her cringe now. In some ways, this man was more of a parent than her mother or father ever were. When Ellis would tell her that she had no time for her, it was Richard who hugged her and dried her tears. Over the years Meredith has wondered if the man had been in love with the emotionless Ellis Grey, or if he was just a genuinely good man who wouldn't see a child neglected. Regardless, she was thankful to the man for everything he has done for her, especially now.

He's sitting at his desk when she is admitted entrance into his office, but when he sees her he stands and grins. "Meredith! You're here!"

Between the almost paternal grin he's giving her and the familiar sound of his voice, for a second she feels five years old again and wants nothing more than for him to hug her and tell her everything is going to be alright.

But she isn't five years old anymore, so she pushes it away and smiles at him. "Thank you for having me."

After inviting her to take a seat, he tells her what is expected of her and not once does he mention anything personal. She can almost feel his curiosity, but he doesn't ask why she is here alone. For that she's grateful. Explaining that her husband- ex husband- is a cheating scumbag and she's finally had enough of being a doormat would have been an awkward conversation to have with her dead mother's friend.

"We can hold off signing a contract for now until you decide if you want to stay-"

"That will not be necessary," Meredith interrupts. "I won't be going back to New York. I'm here to stay."

Richard frowns and she can see the effort he takes to keep his questions to himself. "Are you sure?"

No.

"Yes, I'm sure."

She can see the worry in his eyes, but she offers no explanation or reassurance to him. He sighs in defeat. "Very well. I'll have the contract drawn up. I must say though, I'm surprised that you accepted my offer. You've never hesitated to remind me that Seattle isn't somewhere you wished to return to."

Meredith smiles thinly. "Well, it's time for a change."

Richard shows her around the hospital and introduces her to doctors whose names she forgets almost the moment they're mentioned. The one whose name she does remember is a short woman named Dr. Bailey who seems to despise Meredith the moment she meets her. Richard seems fond of the woman, so Meredith smiles at the woman instead of giving into temptation and glaring at her.

She tries not to take it personally, the woman seems like a dragon on her best day.

The curious looks she had gotten before seems to have increased tenfold now that she has the Chief showing her around. She's a fellow, there is no reason for her to be shown around by the Chief of Surgery. Richard leaves her by the nurses desk and she spends a few minutes going through her charts until she hears a hesitant voice calling her name.

"Dr Grey? We're on your service today."

She turns and almost rolls her eyes. She's been given interns on her first day. Two of them. When she feels her phone buzzing in her pocket and the name Mark Sloan appears on her screen, she almost wants to laugh at the irony of it all. She hastily rejects the call and pushes the memory of him whispering, "My lusty intern," into her ear out of her mind. She's tempted to warn them not to fuck the attendings because it's a career killer, but she manages to push the thought away before the words come out of her mouth.

Meredith regards the two young doctors coolly and thinks she doesn't have a reason to worry about them fucking their attendings. They're eager. Too eager. The two girls look too sensible to fuck their boss, plus she's pretty sure that one of them should still be in kindergarten.

One of them steps forward with a big smile. "Hello Dr. Grey, I'm-"

"Let's get one thing straight. I am not your friend, I am your attending." Meredith glares at the girl until the smile vanishes from her face and she steps back into line. "I don't care who you are, where you're from or where you went to school. You do what I tell you and you go where I tell you. I do not tolerate sloppy work, I do not tolerate you being bad, because that makes me look bad. You're doctors. When you walk through these doors you leave whatever crap that is going on in your life outside of this hospital. The only thing you focus on are my patients. Do not complain. Do not harass me. Do not kill anybody. You're interns. You're nobodies. You're job is to do what you are told. Any questions?" The four doctors look at her with wide eyes as they hesitantly shake their heads. "Good. Then let's get started."

Meredith turns with a smile. For the first time in a very long time, she is in her element.