Being a doctor has always been a huge part of her life. The time and the effort Meredith has put into her career is something that she is proud of. She lived for the surgeries and the feeling of contentment when she saved a life where a regular person would have failed. But that was it. It was just a part of her life. Back in New York, she had a few friends, her mother and a life outside of work.
But mostly she had Mark.
From the moment she began her internship, Mark has been part of her life both in and out of the hospital. She didn't realise how much time he took up in her days. Despite being in a new place where they have no history, his presence continues to haunt her, be it at home when she's lying in bed alone or at the hospital as their eyes would meet during an intense surgery, both revelling in the rush of adrenaline.
She hates him.
But she misses him more.
II
Her first day passes with little fanfare. She quietly observes the lay of the land and bosses her interns around to make her feel a little better. Bailey looks at her as though she's the devil itself and the residents study her curiously, anxious to find out what kind of teacher the new Neuro Fellow is. The Neuro staff are welcoming, though the Head of Nero is off that day, but she has heard a great deal about Doctor Shepherd from his staff. She has heard of the man professionally of course. He's one of the best surgeons in the country and despite her despair and anger, she is just a little excited to be working with him.
She's just finishing up on her first surgery (a routine craniotomy with a very full gallery, everyone curious to see the new girls skills) and thinking about going to find Cristina when there's a pounding on the window of the gallery. Meredith looks up and she smiles widely for the first time in weeks as she sees her best friend grinning down at her wildly and shouting, "You're here!"
Later she finds herself sitting with Cristina in a vent room (only after she's promised not to tell anyone her secret place - especially Owen who would kill her for taking someone to 'their' place) and spills out the entire sordid tale. Cristina listens in silence, her face twisting in anger when she gets to Mark's infidelity. But once she's done, she feels as though a huge weight has been lifted off of her chest and she can finally breathe.
Cristina looks at her seriously for a long moment and bluntly says, "You're not going to cry are you?"
Meredith laughs for the first time in weeks.
It's the best day she has in months.
It's the second day where it all turns to shit.
She's introduced to her boss, Doctor Shepherd. His hair is ridiculously perfect and his smile is completely dreamy. Once upon a time she would have starstruck by him. Now she knows better, and she sure as hell knows better than to go near a surgeon with a God complex. Still, he's a good teacher and she would have thrived under him during her residency.
His professionalism paired with his gentle flirting draws her to him immediately, and in a world where Mark Sloan doesn't exist, she would have fallen ass over heels for a man like him. He's charming, polite and a complete gentleman. He's everything that Mark is not, and yet despite his flaws, Mark is all that she craves.
She wonders if it there will be a time where Mark Sloan isn't her entire world.
She now understands why her mother closed herself off after all of her heartache. Despite the inexplicable joy love brought, the heartache was too painful to cope with.
She scrubs in with Shepard to assist with a spinal fusion, and she has an absolute ball showing him her skills. As they're scrubbing out, Doctor Shepherd looks over at her and smiles his perfect smile. "You're very talented."
"Thank you," Meredith says modestly, looking away after a moment. She smiles politely just as she's about to head out. "I'll go update the family-"
"It's taken me all day to figure it out," Doctor Shepherd says, his blue eyes staring at her intently. "You're Mark's wife."
The smile on her face disappears. "Excuse me?"
"I recognised your name, and it's been bugging me for hours," Derek says, stepping closer to her once he's dried his hands. "You're Mark Sloan's wife. The lusty intern."
The Lusty Intern. It's a name that had been hissed in scorn in her direction for an entire year when she first hooked up with Mark. But surely her reputation from her intern year hadn't reached the prestigious Derek Shepherd.
"We were best friends growing up," Derek is saying, either ignorant or uncaring to her turmoil and it suddenly all clicks.
Derek Shepherd.
Meredith knows the story well, though she had never asked for surnames and Mark had never offered them. She'd known that Mark had slept with his best friend's wife. He'd even loved her and tried to win her over, but she had chosen to stay with her husband, though she had not noticed a wedding ring on Derek's finger earlier. It had broken Mark, losing his best friend and the woman he loved in one go. She hadn't known the story of course when they first met a few months later, but Mark told her that she was the one who had given him hope that he could change after his disastrous trip to win Addison's heart.
Jeez, she can't even get away from Mark here.
"I have to go Doctor Shepherd-"
"Is he here? In Seattle?"
Meredith swallows against her tight throat. Her heart feels as though it's about to beat it's way out of chest as she looks Shepherd in the eye and stiffly replies, "No. He's in New York."
Shepherd folds his arms across his chest, his eyes glittering with hate for her husband. She gets it, she really does especially now she herself knows how it feels to be betrayed by Mark Sloan. "And you're here," he says, his head tilting to one side as he studies her. "Long distance is hard work, especially when you're not around to keep an eye on him-"
"We're not together anymore," Meredith snaps, any sympathy that she felt for Derek Shepherd vanishing.
"So how did it end?" Shepherd laughs spitefully. "As if I need to ask. You know, I could have saved you years of pain if we'd only met sooner. Mark Sloan is the most indecent man that I've ever had the misfortune of meeting. I'm surprised that your marriage lasted so long-"
"With all due respect Dr. Shepard, you don't know shit about my marriage," Meredith says stiffly, failing to conceal her rage. It didn't matter that this man was her boss, nobody spoke to her like she was nothing. "My personal life is none of your concern, and if you proceed to harass me in this manner I will gladly go to the chief and see how he feels about your conduct with your subordinates. This conversation is over."
Tearing her cap off of her head, Meredith storms out, frustration and anger radiating from her pores as she storms down the corridors. The nerve of that man! He knows nothing about her, and he certainly knows nothing about the state of her marriage-
"Dr Grey!" a bubbly brunette perks up, stepping into Meredith's path. Meredith almost snarls at the girl, hating her on principle for being so perky. "I just watched your surgery. You're so talented! My name's Lexie-"
"Get out of my way," Meredith snaps in irritation. The girl flinches, her big brown eyes looking almost tearful as she concedes to Meredith's demand. Meredith pays her no mind as the girl steps to the side. She sees Cristina at the nurse's station, her attention focused on the tablet in her hands. There's a tall, beautiful blonde chatting away at her but Meredith can tell that Cristina isn't listening to a word she's saying.
"Doctor Shepard is an ass," Meredith interrupts angrily, glaring at a nurse who is curiously staring at her until she looks away with a flush on her cheeks.
"McDreamy's a giant asshole," Cristina agrees not even looking up from the tablet in her hands.
Meredith snorts. "McDreamy?"
The blonde sighs with longing. "It's a nickname we came up with in our intern year. He's just so.."
"Dreamy?" Meredith supplies helpfully, her mouth twitching into a smile.
"Yeah," the blonde sighs, staring off into the distance in a way that is utterly ridiculous and nauseating. Meredith finds herself reluctantly liking the woman.
"There is nothing dreamy about that man," Meredith says flatly.
She shakes herself and gives Meredith a wide smile. "I'm Izzie. Izzie Stevens." She even holds out her hand for Meredith to shake. Meredith plants a smile on her face and introduces herself, all the while wondering how the hell Cristina is friends with a girl so... bubbly.
"I have to go talk to my patients family. I'll see you around."
"Drinks tonight at Joe's?" the blonde asks with a bright smile. "You can meet the rest of Cristina's friends properly."
"I don't have any friends," Cristina says boredly.
A smile tugs at Meredith's mouth but otherwise ignores her. "Sure."
II
Cristina's friends are welcoming and noisy and fun. Izzie is the heart of the group and both Alex and George trip over themselves to gain her attention. She briefly wonders what is going on there, but when Alex kisses Izzie in the middle of a sentence just to shut her up she has her answer. Cristina mocks them all and they all seem accustomed to it that they don't even blink an eye. Alex is hard to get a read on and George keeps staring at her with big brown eyes like he's just found the love of his life.
It's all good and a little scary, but she can see herself being friends with these people.
She excuses herself to go grab a round of shots. It's also an excuse to have a seconds peace and to gather her thoughts. "Can I buy you a drink?" a voice asks next to her as she's waiting to be served at the bar.
Meredith looks up, her eyes narrowing as she meets Derek's. "No thank you," she replies stiffly and goes back to ignoring him.
"Listen, I'm sorry, okay?" Derek says, his voice lowering when Meredith turns to him. "I was angry that Mark got to move on with his life after everything he did. I guess that I'm not as over what happened as I thought I was. You took me off guard. Mark doesn't deserve happiness."
Meredith looks at him long and hard. "Mark did those things before I even met him," she says tightly. "His choices were his own, but they were a long time ago. I had nothing to do with any of it and you had no right to talk to me like that-"
"I know. I know. It won't happen again." He smiles a gentle smile that she is sure wins the hearts of all the nurses and doctors in Seattle Grace. "Can we start over?"
On one hand she wants to continue this. She wants to show him that she's not another starry eyed intern who will trip over herself to get his approval. Just because he offered her a smile and an apology does not meant that they're okay. But on the other hand she's so damn tired of everything related to Mark Sloan and she came here to get some peace. Fighting with her boss isn't going to help that. So Meredith plasters a smile on her face and agrees.
He opens his mouth to continue but Cristina actually squeals right in her ear about how she just has to meet Owen right now. She's thankful for the save, and when she looks back at Derek he is gone.
II
In the weeks that follow, she works too much and drinks too much. Cristina invites herself along for the ride, and despite the waves of worry that she can feel emitting from her best friend, not once does Cristina tell her to calm down. She looks out for her when she's too drunk to walk to the bathroom and makes sure that she's home safe every night. Sometimes Owen comes along, and though she can sense his vague disapproval over the fact that Meredith is dragging Cristina down to her level, he keeps quiet and looks at her with something akin to fondness. And despite her current feelings towards any creature with a dick, Meredith likes him.
Sometimes Cristina's friend who she still claims isn't her friend, Alex, joins them, his snarky, dark attitude matching their own humor. She likes him immediately, and can totally see why Izzy loves him. Beneath the rude jokes and his shitty personality, there is a man who loves and cares about his friends and his patients. When Cristina is too busy to go to Joe's and Owen is far too scared of her ability to knock back tequila to handle her on his own, Alex becomes her drinking buddy. He doesn't ask any personal questions like Izzy and George and watch her with worried eyes. Alex is content to let her drink herself into oblivion.
"I don't want to feel this way anymore," she drunkenly mumbles one night, her hand clutching onto Cristina's arm desperately as she moves to leave the bed after a particularly hard day where she lost an elderly patient and had the unfortunate task of telling the woman's devastated husband. It brings back too many memories and there's not enough tequila in the world to make her forget.
"Tough," Cristina replies. "Move over," she snaps, climbing into bed with her. She knees Meredith in the stomach and it almost makes her puke. She's a bitch, but it's the closest she has felt to another person in months so she allows it. Leaning her head on Cristina's stomach, Meredith yawns and reaches for the bottle of tequila. With a frown, she throws it on the floor with a groan when she discovers that it's empty.
"I like Owen," Meredith says after a long moment of silence, rubbing at her eyes as the room spins a little bit. "He's good for you." Cristina hums noncommittally, but Meredith can tell that she's pleased. "You know, I worked so hard to be good for him. To be better. And he just threw it all back in my face!"
"I know," Cristina says softly, threading her fingers through Meredith's hair.
"I did it all. I lived with a boy, I got married, bought the house. And then it just went all away in one afternoon. What's the point?" she slurs bitterly. Cristina doesn't answer her. She's just as cynical as she is of the whole happy ending thing, if not more so. She had tried it herself with Burke and that hadn't ended well. "Do you want to marry Owen?"
Cristina's fingers freeze for a second. "Maybe," she says evenly. "I love him."
"You loved Burke."
"I did," she agrees softly. "But it's different with Owen. I was going to marry Burke to please him. If I marry Owen it will be because I want to."
Meredith's heart swells with love. "Owen's lucky to have you."
Cristina snorts. "I'll tell him you said that."
"I love you, you know?" Meredith says, smiling up at Cristina. "You're the one person that never lets me down."
There's a long pause and then Cristina lets out a drunken cackle that probably wakes her neighbours. "Go to sleep you sappy bitch," she hisses between fits of laughter.
She waits until Cristina falls asleep. The room has stopped spinning as she slowly climbs out of bed and reaches for her phone on the nightstand. Quietly, she sneaks out the room and heads for the bathroom. Closing the door behind her, Meredith leans against the door and slides to the floor, her phone clutched desperately between her hands. It's a bad idea. A really bad idea. But her hands move on their own accord as she finds his number in her contacts and presses call. It has to be after 4:00am in New York she realizes when it takes a long time for him to pick up, but when he does, all progress she has made in the last few weeks flies out of the window.
"Dr. Mark Sloan," he greets, his husky voice tired and cranky. Her heart is pounding in her chest as she realizes that he didn't check who was calling him.
She should hang up. She really, really needs to-
"Hello?" he grumbles, and she just can't find the strength to put the phone down and cut him out of her life for good.
She's so pathetic.
"I don't need you," Meredith hisses, her words only slightly slurred as she tries to convince herself that it's the truth.
"Meredith?" Mark breathes, his voice a punch to the gut. Any traces of sleep are gone from his voice as he repeats her name again when she doesn't reply.
There's a long silence. She can imagine him sitting up in bed bare chested with the sheets pooling at his stomach, the phone clutched desperately to his ear with his hair sticking up at all angles.
"I hate you," she says, tears pricking in her eyes.
"I know," Mark says softly. "I'm sorry Meredith."
Meredith shakes her head as tears trail down her cheeks. Apologising got them nowhere. "We had it all Mark, and you threw it all away. You threw me away like I was nothing," she cries.
"You're not nothing Mer, you're everything," he says desperately.
"God, I miss you so much," she cries, her voice breaking. "It's so pathetic. You hurt me so much, and yet the only thing that makes me feel better is hearing your voice."
"Tell me where you are," Mark says, his voice trembling. "I'll come to you and we can sort this out-"
Meredith sniffles and wraps an arm around herself as if she's holding herself together. "There is no fixing this," she whispers, her body shaking as she tries not to sob.
"Yes there is," Mark says, his husky voice cracking as he realizes that he's losing her. "I love you. Just talk to me. Please don't go-"
"Goodbye Mark."
"Mer please-"
She hangs up.
After her tears are all dried up, Meredith climbs into bed and snuggles up to Cristinas, vowing to clean up her act. She's better than this. She won't let her broken heart break her.
Things look up after that. She lives for her surgeries until the day Webber pulls her aside and tells her to go home. She protests vigorously but he's adamant. It's the last place she wants to be, in a big lonely house filled with memories that haunt her. She considers selling it, but she just can't quite let go. She slowly gathers up a group of tentative friends through Cristina - "They're not my friends. They're people we work with - colleagues!" Cristina insists. But Meredith likes them, and she knows that despite her words, Cristina has a soft spot for Karev and finds George hilariously pathetic.
So that's her life post Mark Sloan. It's not good, but it's not altogether terrible either. She's heartbroken and miserable and her liver is probably fucked, but she's coping. And right now, that's all she can hope for.