Does It Ever Rain In LA?

by bobbieyoung

An unexpected encounter between two strangers... slow burn. Re-upload.

3. Part III

Chapter 9 *Tears*

Santana's POV…

Her hands leave my cheeks. I'm glad and desperate about it at the same time. Glad because I think I was close to losing the strengths in my legs if she had kept holding on to me like that. But desperate because I'm about to lose ground.

Somebody hold me.

"Brittany…" I mumble because I know I'm going to sink to the floor any second. But a warm hand cups mine that is still resting on her hip. I instantly feel grounded.

If kissing is cheating, then I now know what cheating feels like. Except that to me it feels like something else. Something I can't name. It's like beyond my horizon right now. Everything is.

I grab her arm with my other hand as out of nowhere a sob erupts from my body. Before I can do something about it, I am bursting into tears.

I lean into her and bury my face in the crook of her neck because looking at her is too much. A sensory overload it is. I can't handle smelling her perfume that is so sweet, feeling the hot skin on her neck, tasting what is left from her lips on mine, hearing her erratic breathing andseeing the bluest eyes I've ever seen piercing into mine. I can't handle all five of them so I close my eyes. I am powerless to hold the tears back that are streaming down my cheeks.

Brittany wraps her arms around my body. If I was getting cold before, then I am warming up so quickly now. She holds me very tight while I cry into her shoulder. I'm glad she's not trying to sooth my crying fit with soft words or strokes over my back. She just holds me close and although what just happened is not okay, she makes me feel it will be.

I'm not sure why I'm crying. A kiss like that doesn't make you cry, it makes you feel beyond good. That is why I'm weeping like this.

I have never been kissed like this before.

Gabe doesn't kiss me that way.

Just when that thought hammers in my mind, I feel Brittany's lips brushing against my forehead. I press my eyelids closer together to savor that very feeling in my mind and in my heart. I know I'll have to pull away eventually and that we can't stay like this all night. But I want to…

"Santanaaaaa!"

Brittany's arms loosen their embrace. I take a step back, wiping the tears from my cheeks. Quinn is near. I try to take a deep breath before I have to face her.

Three seconds later the bubbly blonde appears from behind a corner. Also there is one Mike Chang attached to her hips.

"There you are!" She slurs with laughter when Mike kisses or rather licks her cheek. "Hey Sana, Mike and I are heading home. I mean his home." She just left out a syllable of my first name but it makes sense as I can tell how drunk she must be by now.

I quickly collect myself and take a step forward.

"Are you sure? You look like you could use some sleep actually."

Quinn laughs wholeheartedly and grabs Mike's collar.

"But that's why I'm going over to Mike's! He's got the comfiest bed ever."

"How do you know?" I ask bewildered. Quinn wiggles her eyebrows. No way!

"I'll see you at work tomorrow. Have a most wonderful Christmas. I mean night!" She grunts at her slip and blows a kiss into my direction before grabbing Mike's butt and telling him to lead the way.

"Oh boy…" I mumble once they are gone. Slowly I turn around. Quinn is old enough to decide where she spends the night. Mike seems like a pretty decent guy, so…

I'm glad Quinn didn't see my smeared make-up in the dark. I must look so trashy right now.

Once silence settles in, I look up and see Brittany gazing back at me. I get a pretty clear idea of how lost I must look right now by what's written across Brittany's face. Something between affection and compassion… and a whole lot of unspoken things that shall remain that way.

"I'm…" I begin but Brittany quickly parts her lips, too.

"It's okay, Santana. I don't think we can explain this right now." She speaks softly but convinced. I'm thankful. I wouldn't have the answer. "Do you want to go back inside? Or home? I can call you a cab."

I nod because I really need to go home.

"Yes, please."

Brittany reaches into the back pocket of her jeans to grab her phone. She's dialing the number and I ponder for a second.

"What about you, are you leaving, too? We could share the cab." Brittany's thumb stops moving over the screen. She blinks at me several times. "Unless you want to stay-"

"No. I'll just go say goodbye to Puck and Rachel. We can meet outside?"

I nod and try to form a smile on my lips. I think I manage although it feels quite weak.

Brittany guides the phone to her ear as I turn around to make my way back inside.

/

The radio in the cab plays a nice song. I try to focus on that. For the past ten minutes I've been sitting in the backseat staring out the window. My eyes are following the streetlamps, the people walking, the advertisements, the nightlife of this town.

When I was standing outside of the Sylvester building and waiting for Brittany, I realized what a weird idea it was to ask her to share a cab. Normally it wouldn't be weird, it would be polite. Considering the fact that we were kissing a couple minutes earlier, makes it weird.

But the reason why I asked her is that the thought of being alone scared me more. It still does.

I throw a glance to my left where Brittany is sitting on the other side. She's looking out the window, too. The car slows down at one point. That's when she turns to face me.

"This is where I live." She lets me know and reaches for her purse. The money she gives the driver is enough to get me home, too. I'm too tired to object. She clears her throat while I count the seconds until she'll open the door and step outside.

"Are you gonna be alright?" She wants to know. Our eyes meet for a second. The driver mumbles something but I ignore him.

I steer my glance back to find hers. I'm pretty sure she holds her breath when I slowly shake my head.

"No?" She sounds surprised but also prepared. Is that even possible?

"I think I'll do something stupid like accidentally burn down my house if I go home now…" I whisper and hope I won't have to say anything else.

Brittany bites her bottom lip while studying me for a couple seconds. Then she shrugs.

"You could stay"

My heart hammers.

"Are you ladies gonna make up your mind any time soon? I actually have to be somewhere else real soon." The man in the front speaks. Brittany and I lock eyes for a silent agreement.

She opens the door and steps out while I scoot across the seat to follow her. She shuts the door behind me. Once we are standing on the sidewalk, face to face, I'm not sure what this is supposed to mean. I throw a glance around and see that this looks like a nice neighborhood. The building behind Brittany must be the one with her apartment.

"I can make coffee. Or tea." She speaks softly and points over her shoulder. Wordlessly I follow her when she turns around and makes her way to a big front door.

She guides me inside and we climb some stairs and pass several doors until she stops in front of one of them. I watch how she looks for the keys in her purse. It gives me time to close my eyes for a second.

What am I doing here?

The thought is forgotten when we step inside. It's dark in here but I can make out some shapes and see that this isn't a very big apartment. She switches the lights on. I look around. We're already in the middle of the living room and there is one couch, a giant TV on the wall, a table with four chairs, a book shell and I can even throw a glance into her kitchen from where I'm standing. There is another door that probably leads to her bedroom and one for the bathroom.

It's small. It's cozy.

Brittany makes a few steps to throw her purse onto the couch. Then she strips out of her jacket.

"I really feel like a cup of tea. Shall I make some?" She asks. I guess it's time I open my mouth to finally say something.

"I'd like that" My voice sounds hoarsely. I clear my throat before making my way over to the couch and slowly sinking down on it.

Brittany disappears into the kitchen but I can still watch her. She opens some cupboards and grabs several things like mugs, spoons, sugar and teabags. She turns on a water kettle when I pull my eyes away to see what's around me.

There's a bowl with fruit on the coffee table right in front of the couch. A remote control and a phone… a laptop, some envelopes. On my left there's another small table. I look at the framed picture on it and recognize a younger Brittany hugging another blonde from the side. It looks like they're sitting in the backseat of a car and having fun with melting ice creams in their hands.

I have a feeling this must be Diane. She's very pretty… Brittany looks carefree.

"You can also have a cold drink if you like. I have soda or water or…" Brittany's soft voice sounds near when I feel a weight dipping into the couch next to me. I didn't even hear her coming back.

I turn around and smile when I reach for one of the steaming cups of tea she prepared.

"This is fine…" I answer and stir the tea with a spoon although I don't think she's put any sugar into it, yet.

I take a sip. Of course I burn my mouth.

"Shit" I curse and suck in my lips. I put the cup back on the table to bury my face in the palm of my hands. Seriously what am I doing here?

"Santana" Brittany whispers. I hear how she puts her mug on the small table, too. "If you want me to drive you home then I'll do it. I don't think I should drive though but I can call you another cab. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."

I shake my head as I am so lost. I've never felt so lost in my whole life.

"No, I want to stay" I breathe and don't even know what that means. I just know I can't go home right now. I can't go home and fall asleep there. It's impossible. I don't know why but being around Brittany is the only thing that feels right. It should feel like the opposite.

"Okay. Do you want to take a shower? Watch TV? Coffee maybe? I mean I just made tea but…" I pull my head up and look to the side where Brittany is sitting. I can tell her insides must feel similar to mine.

"No, thank you. I think I should sleep."

Brittany nods slowly.

"Yeah. Let me show you my… bed. I'll sleep on the couch."

She stands up and I do, too. I follow her until we reach her bedroom where she opens the door and turns on the light. It's small but a queen-sized bed stands in the middle. There is a huge Superman sign spread across the duvet.

My eyes widen. I almost burst into laughter.

"What's this?" I gasp and throw a glance at Brittany. Looks like she just remembered Superman sleeping in her bed as her cheeks start glowing.

"Oh, that- that was a gift… from Puck. He gave it to me because we used to watch it together. I mean he used to watch Smallville and one evening he forced me to watch five episodes in a row and then he… gave me that."

She seems so embarrassed. I can't help but laugh. It's just… funny.

"Right" I mumble and watch how Brittany pretends to not be too uncomfortable about it. She opens a closet right next to her and grabs some sweatpants and a shirt. She gives them to me, avoiding my eyes.

"You can wear those to sleep. And uh… I'll go find you a toothbrush." I hold the shirt in front of me and press my lips together at what I see.

"Hello Kitty? That's… cute."

Brittany stares at the shirt in my hands.

"Damn" She exhales and takes the piece of clothing from my hands. "I'm sorry, you must think I'm stuck in puberty or something. Here…" She throws the Hello Kitty shirt back into the closet and hands me a plain one instead. I thank her with a chuckle.

She grins, too still embarrassed. There is a short moment of silence where I don't know what to do.

"The bathroom is right next door. If you need anything you can just tell me."

I nod and wait until she's left the room. I sigh deeply when I let everything in my arms drop down onto her bed. My hands run through my hair while I close my eyes for a moment.

This is so surreal. I mean seriously surreal. I'm standing in Brittany's bedroom, about to spend the night when there is no actual reason to do so. It's not like I had no other choice. It's not like I don't have a home.

I shake my head to get rid of those thoughts because they're not helping. I throw a glance over my shoulder to make sure the door is closed before I begin to take off my clothes.

Once I'm only wearing my underwear, I slip into the sweatpants that are a bit too long and the shirt that fits perfectly. Maybe a little tight around the boobs.

I open my purse and grab a scrunchy to put my hair into a bun. Then I turn around and open the door to step outside because Brittany said that she'll get me a toothbrush.

Once I'm out there I jump back because my eyes are not prepared to the sight that is offered to me. My heels hit the door when I stumble back and the loud thud makes Brittany turn around.

She's standing next to the couch, wearing nothing but her jeans and a blue bra. She's holding a shirt in her hands that she was probably just about to pull over her head.

"S-sorry, I should have knocked." I stammer and try to avoid looking at her half naked body. I realize that knocking on the door before stepping out of a room would be weird, but I could have asked if she's undressing before storming into the living room. Ugh…

"That's ok" Brittany replies, putting the shirt on quickly and pulling it over her breasts until she's not half naked anymore. Which I saw because I didn't manage to look away.

"I got you the toothbrush and a towel if you want to freshen up. It's on the toilet seat in the bathroom." She explains. I nod with my cheeks getting hot.

"Thanks" I turn away. I'm so mad at myself for walking in on her getting changed. It's so cliché. With quick steps I disappear into the bathroom and sigh a breath of relief once I close the door behind my back.

/

Forty minutes later…Brittany…

Whenever Brittany sleeps in the living room, she just sleeps on the couch. But tonight she wanted to try the mattress underneath which was a mistake. It is so terribly uncomfortable. How did Puck or Rachel ever manage to sleep on it without breaking their backs?

She doesn't want to make any loud noises by putting it back because Santana's probably asleep. They will have to get up soon and head back to work.

Well… Sue Sylvester sent an email, letting all the co-workers know that they are allowed to show up by ten am because of the party. Which is nice… but still. It's already past midnight.

If Santana is already sleeping? The events of the night would definitely keep some people from sleeping.

At least that's what she thinks. She doesn't know what the kiss did to Santana. She has no idea. Well, she can't be grossed out because the way she kissed her back - damn.

She must be freaked out though. So is Brittany! Who allowed her to lean in and kiss a married woman? Who allowed her to love that kiss so much and not wanting it to end?

Who allowed her to feel such a deep desire for somebody who's taken?

She hides her face in the pillow because these thoughts are killing her. Santana is right next door. How are they supposed to act around each other in the morning? Will she give Santana a ride home before they head to work? How will they say hello from now on when they cross ways at work?

Goddamn stupid life!

Hasn't she had enough complicated tasks to solve in the past? What's this supposed to be? Another challenge? To see how much she can take?

She startles when she hears a crack. Her eyes shoot to the bedroom door. It's dark but she can see Santana's silhouette making two small steps into the living room. Brittany lifts her head and wants to ask if everything's alright.

It's obviously not. Santana leans against the wall and Brittany can tell that she's studying her in the dark.

"Santana? What is it?" She whispers although there is no reason to. They're both awake.

"I can't sleep in your bed…" Santana whispers back. Brittany knits her eyebrows together, waiting for the brunette to say more. "Because whenever I'm alone – I think. I always do that and my brain dares to implode. It's probably too much to ask and I'd cross just another border which kind of seems to be my thing lately. But… can I sleep next to you?"

Brittany wants to say something but Santana is quicker. "I don't want to think anymore… I just want to sleep but I can't."

If Brittany thought that Santana looked desperate in the cab – she looks terrified by now. Like a child who knows she did something stupid and is so worried about the consequences.

Brittany has run out of words. Everything she can think of to encourage Santana to come lie down next to her would either sound stupid or pervy.

So she just scoots over until her back hits the couch and there is enough space for a second person to lie down. It's not much but Santana will fit.

She watches how the brunette slowly steps closer. When she reaches the mattress, she sinks down on her knees. She avoids Brittany's eyes and lies down in front of her, so her back faces Brittany.

Carefully she reaches for the blanket at the same moment that Brittany wants to give it to her. Their hands bump together.

"Thanks" Santana mumbles and lets her head rest on the edge of the big pillow.

Brittany beholds the body in front of her. Her breath hitches when her eyes wander over the silky raven hair that is no longer in a bun. She feels the urge to let her hands run through it but lets it be.

The borrowed shirt seems a bit tight. Brittany can see the curves of a shoulder blade and the form of Santana's side that goes down to her waist which is hidden by the blanket. She looks peaceful when Brittany can only imagine the turmoil that must be going on inside of her.

She's beautiful… and so nice. She's everything a guy could wish for. Or a girl.

When the woman in front of her stirs, Brittany's heart jumps. As if Santana heard her thoughts which would be embarrassing. Santana moves again and her upper body turns slightly towards Brittany.

"Brittany… I can't tell you what this all means. I am so utterly confused. I feel lost." She whispers. Looks like she wasn't about to fall asleep, either.

"I thought you didn't want to think anymore." Brittany replies and keeps still although she wants to scoot closer so badly.

"Yeah well… you make it kind of hard" The brunette admits. Brittany swallows. "I just don't know what to say."

"I'm not asking you to explain…" Brittany mutters softly and closes her eyes for a minute. "I don't know the answer, either."

She hears a rustling noise from the pillow. When she opens her eyes, she finds Santana's looking back at her. Her body is still not facing her but she's shyly looking over her shoulder.

"So we just… wait?" She asks and her eyes wander to Brittany's lips.

"I don't know" Brittany has never been so clueless. She feels checkmated or something. No idea what to do next.

But when Santana looks at her so desperate and lost, she can't help herself and lifts her body a couple inches so she can move closer. There is still some air between their bodies but she knows that they would fit like two puzzle pieces.

"I honestly have no words to try and make you feel at ease." Brittany confesses.

She lifts her hand and slowly reaches out. It settles on Santana's shoulder. She expects the worst. That Santana will stiffen or scoot away from her. But she stays.

With her thumb she tries to make soothing circles on the shoulder blade in front of her but that's so silly! She pulls her hand back.

She almost apologizes but then Santana shuffles backwards until their bodies are pressed flush against each other.

That comes surprising.

Heat shoots through body parts that Brittany almost forgot about. That's not true. But she can't remember the last time her front was pressed into a woman's butt like this and it feels embarrassingly good. But this is not supposed to be sexual, Santana wants comfort.

She takes a deep breath, wets her dry lips and resists the urge to pull the woman closer. Instead she lifts her hand once more, as she takes Santana's move as an invitation and rests it on her shoulder for the second time. Luckily her fingers are warm. Carefully she strokes them down the brunette's forearm.

This actually feels nice. She can't remember the last time she caressed somebody like that. Her fingers wander back up until they reach Santana's neck. She plays with her hair before running down the length of her arm to the elbow.

She slips and the tip of her finger lands on Santana's waist that is shockingly uncovered by any kind of fabric. She holds her breath because she doesn't want to overstep a line. Which - regarded objectively - she already has. More than once.

When there is no sign of panic from the other woman, she lets her fingers wander to the small of Santana's back which is kind of a hard task as they are lying so close together. They ghost over the fabric of Santana's shirt, make small circles and spirals until they get lost in dark hair again.

She wonders if Santana's hair is naturally so soft or if she uses a special shampoo. It's probably natural.

Brittany bites her tongue because that shampoo thought is something so unlike her. She used to not care about stuff like that. She wonders if Santana's falling asleep because that's what she said she wanted.

She's not quite sure what she's trying to reach with all the caressing but it feels like Santana's body is relaxing under her touch. So she keeps going and closes her eyes because she's starting to feel calm, too.

She's been resting her head on her elbow so it's starting to become numb but she doesn't care. All she cares about is making Santana feel better.

Without knowing what she's doing, she guides her hand once again lower than Santana's elbow until she touches the warm skin of her hip. Santana stirs a little bit but calms quickly, so Brittany stays there for a minute. Meanwhile she smells the scent of the shampoo right in front of her. It still smells like she remembers it from when they leaned against that pool table and Brittany practically held Santana in her arms.

It's… intoxicating…

Her hand continues moving carefully on her hip and it slowly makes its way over Santana's pelvis and to the side of her thigh.

"What are you doing?"

Brittany feels close to a heart attack when she hears Santana's voice after countless minutes in silence.

She tries to think of a plausible reason to justify her hand on Santana's thigh but there is none. And the fact that Santana's question was followed by a shaky breath makes her mind go blank.

"I-" She whispers and quickly pulls her hand back so it's resting against her own stomach. "I'm so sorry."

A couple seconds pass. The shame is burning on Brittany's cheeks. Why did she have to ruin this sweet moment where Santana trusted her?

"You don't have to pull away" Santana whispers softly. It causes Brittany's insides to make loops. "I just can't… youknow."

Brittany knows. At least she thinks she does.

Hesitantly she guides her hand back to Santana's body, this time she stops on her hips to make sure. This is a good spot and Santana seems to be fine with it.

"Sleep well…" Brittany breathes and squeezes Santana's side.

Santana hums softly in response. Brittany tries to relax but it takes long minutes, maybe an hour until exhaustion outweighs her mind.

---

Chapter 10 *Seagulls*

Santana's POV…

It takes a couple seconds until I realize where I am. I don't actually remember when it was the last time I woke up in a stranger's bed. I'm still lying in pretty much the exact same position as we went to sleep. When I sharpen my senses, I feel how Brittany's still holding me.

With a glance to my watch, I sigh inwardly. Problems don't solve over night. At least not this one…

With a heavy heart I turn onto my back, the hand on my hip dropping somewhere between our bodies. The small of my back hurts because this mattress is terrible. I dare to throw a glance to my side and get to see Brittany in a blissful sleep, her head resting on her elbow and her blonde hair spread across the pillow.

My breath hitches in my throat because her face looks so relaxed and at ease when she sleeps. Usually she looks very concentrated and focused. Except when she was dancing at that club – she looked very happy then.

But the way she looks right now is so different… So far I've never had the chance to shamelessly study every detail of her face. I've never noticed that freckle above her left eyebrow. And there's the little scar I caused on her forehead.

I turn to my side so I'm facing her and mirror her position by tucking my elbow between my head and the pillow. Our knees are touching. I smile faintly when the memories of last night float my mind. The way she just leaned in and kissed me…

And then she made tea.

How am I going to get this right? Is that even possible? I have Gabe… and a wedding ring on my finger. It's weird but this morning it feels almost painfully tight around my ring finger. Sometimes it feels tight because I'm warm and then my fingers swell. And when Brittany's hand stroked over my thigh last night, I got so warm… I'm in so much trouble.

Is there a way that Brittany and I can just look past what happened on the terrace of the Sylvester building? Can we just forget about the fact that we have kissed twice and that I want it to happen again?

Is it for the best if we decide to stay friends or maybe even nothing at all?

But…

I don't want to forget. I couldn't. Who wants to forget the best kiss you've ever received? Who wants to forget something that intimidates but also attracts you - someone so intriguing?

I was able to forget about Vicky Javier, my secret high school sweetheart. She didn't even know she was that to me because we claimed to be friends to the last day. But she really sort of was… I adored her and if Vicky hadn't ended "the phase-thing" then I'm sure it wouldn't have taken long until we would have slept with each other.

But only now I begin to realize what this means. Before I met Brittany, I thought of Vicky as this innocent crush that some girls develop in their friendships and then forget about once they fall in love with a beautiful boy.

When Gabe and I started dating, there was no reason for me to think about what might have happened between Vicky and me if we had continued. Because Gabe did everything to make me happy. The experiences I made as a teenager… I put them into a different drawer of my life and never opened it again. Until now.

I never intended to put those puzzle pieces together because I didn't even know there was a puzzle to solve. I still don't know what it all means.

While these thoughts are crazy, scary and somehow exciting all together… I get distracted by something.

Brittany's eyes are still closed and so I dare to reach out my hand and a trembling finger tucks the stray of hair behind her ear that was about to fall into her face any second. Her lips twitch. When my pointer ghosts over her cheek, she stirs a bit. My finger and her skin are like magnets so I draw a line down her jaw and can't resist tickling her chin.

I feel my own lips crawl into a smile because tickling a sleeping person isn't very nice. Except that she isn't sleeping anymore.

My heart skips a beat when I realize that her eyes are open and probably observed my sneaky move. I want to say sorry or 'good morning' or 'hey' but I'm speechless. I think she's going through something similar and so we say hi by gazing into each other's eyes with my finger still glued to her chin.

Her eyes wander to my lips and before I let her finish that thought, I let my hand wander back over her jaw, down her neck. She swallows when I dip into that little pit underneath her throat and then reach her shoulder.

When I softly stroke the sensitive skin near her armpit, I wonder if she's not ticklish.

"Aren't you ticklish?" I whisper when our eyes meet. She blinks and then knits her eyebrows together in slight confusion.

"Are you still touching me?" She asks back. My glance drops to where my fingers are clearly connected to her arm.

"Uhm yes…" I mumble and Brittany lifts her head a couple inches so she can look herself.

"Oh fuck" She gasps and pinches the skin next to my finger. "Shit – ow!"

"What?" I ask irritated and stare back and forth between her arm and her face. "Did I hurt you?"

Brittany's eyes widen when she keeps pinching her skin.

"No but my arm is completely numb! Oh my God, that feels so weird." She actually looks terrified when she stares at her arm that indeed does appear quite dead.

"Did you sleep on it all night?"

"Well… I think so. Oh my God, that feels funky and… gross." We sit up on the mattress. I watch how Brittany tries to swing her numb arm in front of her body. "I know what it's like when your foot falls asleep but it feels like my arm is gonna fall off any second!" She gasps and starts slapping her forearm in desperation.

"Wait, wait…" I kneel in front of her and grab her hand to stop her from hurting herself. I place it on her thigh and then scoot closer so I can hold her numb arm. "That's not going to help. The blood needs to be able to run again." I say calmly and grab her right hand with mine and guide my left one to her shoulder. "Lean back"

She does as she's told and rests against the couch, watching what I do with her numb limb. I pull her hand up to my chest so her arm is hanging free. Carefully I start kneading the skin on her forearm and her shoulder.

We exchange a quick look. I get distracted for a second but keep massaging her arm.

"Are you feeling something?" I ask and squeeze her hand in mine. Her eyes drop to our connected hands. I realize that I'm holding hers quite close to my chest.

"Not yet…" She mumbles. I raise an eyebrow.

"Not even a little bit?"

Brittany looks back into my face and a shy smile forms on her lips.

"Maybe a little bit"

I grin and let the palm of my hand run up and down her arm to keep stimulating the bloodstream.

"Oh no" Brittany mutters and pulls a face. "It's waking up and starts tickling really bad. Do you know that feeling?"

I nod and stop the movement on her skin.

"Yeah… that's really nasty. Just hold still. It'll be over in a minute."

I just hold her arm without squeezing it as our eyes lock once again.

"Did you sleep alright?" She asks and bites her bottom lip.

"Yeah except that this mattress feels like concrete."

She giggles.

"Sorry… I guess we could have switched to the bed but I somehow forgot I have one."

"That's ok though. How about you?"

"Huh?"

"Did you sleep well?"

"Oh" Brittany exhales and nods slowly. "Yeah I did. Very. I mean… just fine."

We smile at each other and then Brittany's glance drops to the watch around my wrist.

"Shoot… we better get going. I'm sure you want me to drop you off at your place before you head to work, right?"

I snap back from staring at her and let go of her hand that I have been holding in a warm grip.

"Yes, if you don't mind. I need fresh clothes and a shower."

We get up on our feet and I stumble a bit because of the mattress underneath our feet. Brittany's hand on my lower back stabilizes me until I step down onto firm ground. I pretend to not actually have noticed her hand there because it's just better that way.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes. Just have to use the bathroom and change back into my own clothes." I say and point to her bedroom.

"Sure" She replies before I turn around and make quick steps to disappear behind the bedroom door.

/

We haven't said a word since we got into her car. I'm glad we're nearing the street where I live. Simply because I have no idea what to say.

I secretly hoped that a miracle would happen overnight and that I would know what to do. But I'm as clueless as before, so I decide to not speak. I don't want to make this more confusing than it already is.

She pulls into my street and when we approach the house, my heart sinks low.

There in the driveway is Gabe's black SUV. I feel how my pulse speeds up and something heavy settles in my chest. Five seconds ago, I was breathing normally. Now my throat closes up and panic wells up inside me.

Brittany seems oblivious to my inner turmoil when she stops the car next to the sidewalk and turns off the engine.

"Here we are" She says. With trembling fingers I unbuckle the seatbelt.

"Thank you for the ride."

"No problem. I'll see you at work, I guess…" She trails off when I turn to face her. I hope she won't see my heart hammering in my chest. Her ocean blue orbs seem to be looking for something in mine that I don't know how to give. I am so distracted.

"This whole thing…" She goes on when I'm already reaching for the door. "If you think we should talk – or if you don't want to talk ever again then I would understand. Sort of… but if you want to talk and try to find out what this is then I promise I won't just walk away." She seems to be struggling with her words and sighs.

Please not right now… I have no idea what to say and I feel like something bad is about to happen any second. Gabe's car standing right next to the one I'm sitting in is making me feel so nervous.

"Brittany, I really have to g-"

"I'm not trying to play with you if this is what you think. Rachel would laugh at me now because she knows how I used to be with girls but… but you're not just-"

"Brittany, I have to go. I'm sorry. I'll see you at work-"

"No, wait Santana I really want you to know that I-"

"I'll see you at work" I speak more determinedly. Brittany closes her mouth with a bitter expression, the hope fading in her eyes. She looks at her hands on the steering wheel and nods once, accepting my sudden stonewall.

It feels like I'm about to cry any second. Not wanting to risk that, I open the door and step out without looking at her once more.

As soon as I close the door behind me, she starts the engine and slowly drives off.

With a dry throat and a racing heart I pass Gabe's car and make my way to the front door.

/

It's silent when I step inside. Immediately I smell my husband's aftershave lotion. How could I forget that he was going to be back a couple days early? He wrote it in his last email. The one I only answered with maybe three sentences.

Right now I don't even remember the reason why he took an earlier flight because my mind is blank. I look around in our living room. There are two suitcases next to the dining table and some boxes and bags. His shoes are also there and they look like he went on a survival mission in the jungle.

When I hear a noise from inside the bedroom, I close my eyes for a second so I can gather my words, thoughts and my behavior.

"Gabe?" I yell pathetically 's no way he could hear me. "Gabe?" I go louder and that's when the door opens and my husband storms out. He's cell phone in his right hand and a notebook in his left one.

When he sees me, I can formally see the worries leaving his body. He gasps in relief.

"Santana…" He breathes and makes his way over to me. As soon as he's close enough, he opens his arms to pick me up. He squeezes me till all the air gets pressed out of my lungs. "Sweetheart where were you?" He mumbles into my hair before he puts me down. His hands on my shoulders push me away a couples inches so he can have a better look at me.

He looks exhausted and I swear his eyes have turned a little greyer. But all in all he still looks the same; tall, handsome and on a mission.

He's always on a mission, always worrying, working or thinking about something. The latest mission was obviously trying to find me.

"I… hi…" I mumble and cup his hands on my shoulders with mine. I swallow because I'm having the hardest time looking into his eyes. Eventually I break the eye contact and my eyes linger somewhere on his chest.

"Hi" He says back with another squeeze to my shoulders. "Honey where were you? I know you don't leave for work that early so I thought I'd find you in bed but it was empty. I remembered that you wrote something about an office party at the Sylvester yesterday so I thought that maybe you never got home." He sounds truly worried. The lump in my throat aches so badly.

"I… we drank a bit too much and then I stayed with… a friend."

"Oh with Quinn?"

I look up and wonder if I should lie.

"No. I stayed with Brittany. She is new and offered to crash at her place."

A weak smile forms on Gabe's face.

"I see. I just... maybe you should leave a note next time you sleep somewhere else."

I knit my eyebrows together because I want to object. Then I realize that he's right. I should have left a note. If I had remembered that he was coming home early.

"Gabe… don't worry so much. What if I had just left for work earlier than usual? That might have been possible, right?" I ask and make a step backwards so his hands drop from my shoulders. I need to get some space and air.

Gabe gives me a puzzled look.

"Well that's exactly what I thought. I thought that you left for work early. But then I had a weird feeling and called Quinn after I couldn't reach you on your phone to ask if you were already at work. She didn't pick up so I went to look for Shelby's number in your address book. I come home at 7.30 in the morning, my wife isn't there and I'm supposed to not worry so much? Santana! Your car was in the driveway and the bag you always wear for work was still standing in front of your closet. I thought you got kidnapped last night or fell into a river or God knows what!" He yells and my eyes widen. He never uses a loud voice when talking to me. We never fight.

My lips part. I try to say something in defense but there's nothing. Because he's right to freak out… everyone would freak out if your wife or husband is nowhere to be found at 7.30 in the morning.

"I… I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I forgot to leave a note because-"

"Did you forget I was coming home a couple days early?"

"N-no… I just didn't think you'd get here in the morning."

His eyes wander around as he seems to be thinking about that possibility.

"Oh… I guess I didn't say what time I'd be here." He mumbles and runs his hand through his short hair.

I shrug because I know nothing. Literally know nothing anymore.

"So, you're fine?" He asks and bores his eyes into mine. My voice is raspy when I say yes. He takes two steps forward until he can lean in and press a kiss to my forehead. "I'm glad then." He whispers and clears his throat when I don't say anything back. "I uh… I should unpack my stuff. Roger and I have to be at the practice in an hour. I better hurry so I can maybe sleep for another hour."

With a nod I watch how he turns around. He grabs both of his suitcases and carries them into our bedroom.

When the door closes behind his back, my eyes do the same. Slowly I feel the oxygen filling my lungs after holding my breath for what feels like minutes.

It feels like I had stepped out of my body and watched the whole scene rather than participating. Is this how husband and wife reunite after almost three weeks apart?

Do you forget leaving notes when you're in a happy marriage? Do you kiss each other on the forehead instead of your lips when you're in a happy marriage?

Do you have trouble looking into your husband's eyes when you're in a…

It's like another puzzle piece falls into my open hand.

/

Brittany…the next day…

She listens to what Shelby has to say. She really tries to save it in her brain but somehow all the words that leave the tall brunette's lips make no sense at all.

She hasn't seen Santana since she dropped her off at her place. She can't help but think she blew it. If there was ever something to blow – it's not like they have a real thing. They kissed twice but that doesn't mean anything. People kiss all the time.

What was she thinking when she touched Santana under the covers like that? She must have thought that Brittany is some sort of needy pervert lesbian who can't keep it in her pants once a woman sleeps next to her.

She wasn't trying to get something more. She really just wanted to be close to Santana as it felt so good. But not in a 'let me touch your body' kind of way.

Still; she clearly overstepped and Santana freaked out.

But then why was she being so sweet when Brittany was close to hyperventilating because of a numb arm? The way Santana took care of her and held her hand so close to her chest. She had felt Santana's heartbeat. When she asked if the feeling in Brittany's arm was coming back, she denied just to make the moment last bit longer although she had felt something.

"Brittany?" Shelby's face is literally just inches away. Her big brown eyes are boring into Brittany's. "What's the matter? You look like you're daydreaming about cotton candy or something as sweet as that. Are you even listening?"

Brittany shakes her head to get rid of those thoughts and apologizes for zoning out.

"Is everything alright?" Shelby asks with her forehead in frowns.

"Hm? Yeah, yeah… what were you saying?"

Shelby sighs and points to the pictures lying on her desk that show different actresses in evening gowns and starts babbling something. Brittany nods. Maybe the first ten words she can follow but then her memory goes back to: 'Aren't you ticklish?'

Ugh…

/

She's sitting at her desk, her tired eyes roaming over the screen in front of her. For the past hour she's been searching the internet to get the information she needs for the new assignment Shelby was talking about. Something with red dresses maybe? Why didn't she listen?

She groans as it's a hopeless case today and supports her head in her hand. Her eyes wander to the bottom left of the computer screen because a small window pops up, letting her know she just got mail. She clicks on it. Her eyes widen immediately.

To: pierce.b/s-magazine

From: lopez.s/s-magazine

Subject: lo siento…

I didn't mean to cut you off yesterday morning. I was really glad I could stay at your place and that you gave me a ride home.

My husband came back. I didn't know what to do.

Maybe we could go for coffee after work? Please.

S.

She stares at the words and swallows emptily. So he's back… that was going to happen sooner or later. Still it feels weird.

Her fingers lower onto the keypad to compose a reply. After taking a deep breath she types.

To: lopez.s/s-magazine

From: pierce.b/s-magazine

Re-subject: lo siento…

Tell me when and where. I'll be there…

B.

Once it's sent, her heart starts beating faster. She stares at the screen until a reply appears two minutes later.

She knows the Café that Santana suggests. It's near the beach. She loves it actually so she types another short reply, letting Santana know that she knows where to go at 5.30.

With a nervous feeling she gets back to work because Shelby will want something by the end of the day. But now it's worse than before. Meeting at a Café means you're going to talk.

What will Santana have to say? That it can never happen again? That she loves her husband more than anything else in the world and will never risk losing him?

Brittany clenches her teeth together and decides to just be prepared for anything.

/

Later that day…

She spots the brunette as soon as she sets foot onto the restaurant's terrace. Another terrace… if this is a good idea?

She's sitting at a table for two, a glass of water in front of her and gazing somewhere into space. Slowly Brittany makes her way over and lets her eyes wander over the surroundings. It's a very small Café. Brittany has been here a couple times with Rachel to eat delicious ice cream. There is just one other person sitting at a table on the other side of the terrace.

Santana looks up when Brittany reaches her table. A shy smile forms on her lips.

"Hi…" Santana says softly and points to the small bench across the table. Brittany sits down while reciprocating the smile.

"Hey" They sit in front of each other and before either one of them can say a second word, a waitress appears to ask for Brittany's order. "I'll have a coffee, please" She says politely. The waitress looks at Santana.

"Me, too. Thanks."

As soon as they are left alone Brittany lets her eyes wander to the brunette's face. She's staring at her own hands. It looks like she's about to say something but the words are giving her a hard at time to come out.

"I'm sorry I didn't come look for you today. I wanted to apologize for not saying thank you. But I didn't manage." She sighs. Brittany feels bad. Santana's obviously struggling with a super messy inner conflict. It's not fun to watch.

"Actually you did say thanks for the ride. It's not like you owe me any kinds of explanations. I mean Ikissed you." Brittany exhales a short laugh and shakes her head. If anyone should feel bad, then it's her. "I shouldn't have kissed you. It wasn't fair." The words taste bitter in her mouth.

"You shouldn't have?" Santana asks with such a low voice that Brittany thinks she misheard. Those brown eyes look up, full of sorrow and questions.

"What?" Brittany asks because she doesn't know what it means. Santana seems surprised about her own words.

"I mean… do you regret it?"

Brittany's mouth falls open. There are like a hundred things she wants to say at the same time. How could she regret that kiss? How could she regret it when the memory of it gives her the sweetest tingles everywhere?

For a moment she considers reaching across the table to put her hand on Santana's but that can't be a good idea. Instead she frantically shakes her head.

"No! No, of course not. I don't think I would have done it twice if I had regretted in any kind of way. I really wanted it because it felt like the only right thing to do. But it was selfish of me. It's me who has to apologize. Because I know you're married." She admits. Santana's eyes widen secretively.

She nods slowly at Brittany's words right before the waitress appears at their table with a tray in her hands.

"Sorry ladies it took bit long. The coffee machine is making trouble. Enjoy!"

Neither of them has truly listened to the waitress's words and just nodded absentmindedly.

Brittany reaches for her spoon to stir the content of her cup while thinking of what they have revealed so far.

Santana mirrors her actions and when they both take a sip, their eyes meet above the cups for a brief second.

"Do you?" Brittany asks carefully. She really needs to know.

"What?" Santana counters but they both know that they both know what she means. Santana's glance drops to her cup. She takes her time to answer. Brittany observes how Santana bites on her bottom lip, then shrugs hardly notable.

A second later she shakes her head. She doesn't regret.

They stay silent for a while. Brittany wonders what is going through that pretty head that is thinking so hard. She can't help but reach out her foot under the table and nudge the brunette's leg.

She promptly looks up. Their eyes lock easily.

"Thanks for taking care of my arm this morning." Brittany states and grins when Santana chuckles.

"You're welcome. I'm sure the feeling would have come back by itself sooner or later."

"No… I would have pinched and slapped myself until I would have lost feeling in my other arm, too. You saved me."

Santana laughs softly and takes another sip of her coffee. Then she chuckles again.

"What?" Brittany wants to know while watching Santana's every move.

"I just imagined Quinn. I think she would kill me if she saw me now. Flirting with someone who isn't my husband." She says bitterly and amused at the same time. Brittany thinks about it for a while.

"But Quinn isn't here now. Even if she were - it's truly nothing she has to worry about." She lets her eyes wander over the sky and spots two seagulls flying circles around each other.

Santana sighs audibly. She gives Brittany a brave smile but Brittany can tell that the she must feel torn inside. All the talking can make things clearer but it doesn't make them easier.

Brittany hesitates at first but then she pats the spot right next to her on the little bench.

"Come here" She says and watches the confusion in Santana's eyes at the request.

"Huh?"

"Come here… sit next to me, I want to show you something." Santana chuckles nervously. She still looks confused when she gets up and makes a step towards Brittany's side of the table. When she sits down on the small bench, Brittany lifts her arm and puts it over Santana's shoulders. It seemed like a sweet move in her head. It is… but it's also intimate. They're so close now.

"What's this?" The brunette asks bewildered but also with a smile in her voice.

Brittany points to the sky. Santana's eyes follow her finger.

"Look at those seagulls out there. Can you see them?"

"No"

"No? They're right there! Just two. Am I right?" She throws a glance to her left to see if Santana is looking into the wrong direction.

"I don't see them" She whispers but she's also not really trying as Brittany can tell. She seems distracted about the sudden closeness. Brittany clears her throat and reaches for Santana's right hand. She takes Santana's finger and points with it to the two birds still dancing around each other.

"Right there" She mumbles and feels Santana nodding her head.

"Oh… I see them now." Their hands sink back down but stay entangled.

"Good. Now look how they are flirting." Santana chuckles instantly at Brittany's words. "They are flirting so hardcore, I mean hello? They are entertaining the whole beach with their pda and no one asked for it! Seriously what are they thinking? That they are the only two seagulls out there?"

This causes Santana to snort with laughter. It's so contagious. Their bodies are shaking against each other until the laughter quickly dies and leaves them out of breath, their faces close together.

Brittany's throat feels dry and she knows why… it's because Santana's cheeks are glowing. Their hands are resting on Brittany's thigh with their fingers entwined.

"You're doing it again." Brittany breathes. She only realizes now that her heart is throbbing in her chest. Santana's eyes jump back and forth between Brittany's eyes and lips. There is seriousness in her face.

"I do what?" She whispers. Brittany can't not tell her. She has to tell her what she makes her feel inside. Right now, right at this moment.

"Make me want to kiss you again"

Their eyes lock with ease. What gets exchanged is sincerity and craving and permission. It's Santana who wets her lips with the tip of her tongue before closing that unnecessary gap between them for the third time.

Their mouths collide softly – way softer than the night of the office party. But it's so, so good and Brittany is glad she's sitting on that bench. She couldn't handle the kiss when standing up.

It's not the easiest angle because Santana is leaning into Brittany from the side but they make it work and it works so fucking spectacularly. Brittany squeezes Santana's hand and pulls her closer with her arm still around Santana's shoulder.

Their lips are shyer than last time because now they have talked – not very much – but they both know that they don't regret it. It's not a kiss that emerges out of nowhere. Well, sort of it did. But this time Brittany knows that it's not just herself who can't resist the woman she met under the weirdest circumstances.

She knows that Santana longs for the contact and for their lips to meet so sweetly, shyly and passionately at the same time…

When she feels Santana's other hand touching her cheek, she dares to breathe into the kiss. She parts her lips because she needs to taste more of her. It's been two days since she last tasted Santana's tongue with her own. She doesn't have to wait any longer when Santana mirrors her actions and they meet somewhere in the middle, their mouths connected so promising.

Like that kiss promises that this is not just a fling that they will soon forget about.

They only break apart when they're in great need of air. Brittany sucks in her bottom lip where Santana's taste is so present as if they're still kissing.

She feels Santana's forehead rest against her cheek when she slowly opens her eyes. The sunset almost blinds her but she doesn't care. She wants to save every second of this moment. Santana's thumb is still caressing her cheek while her other hand is trembling but save in Brittany's.

"I like you so much…" Santana whispers huskily. Brittany's heart swells to the size of a melon. She can't remember the last time somebody said something like that to her and actually meant it. She had been so scared she'd never deserve to hear it again.

"Ditto" She blurts because she's simply not capable to form a proper sentence. She holds Santana in her arm and presses a lingering kiss to her head. Then something happens.

Brittany senses how Santana pulls her hand away from her cheek and two seconds later it brushes against her breast.

She watches how Santana covers her mouth with the same hand that just touched somewhere else.

"Oh God… sorry I didn't mean to, I swear" Santana apologizes hastily and throws an embarrassed look up into Brittany's eyes. "My arm was getting tired so I wanted to rest it on your stomach and then I – sorry."

Brittany can't help but chuckle at the adorableness. She squeezes Santana's hand.

"Santana… you're not gonna get arrested for an unintentional boob grab. It's fine."

The brunette nods with a smirk before resting her head on Brittany's shoulder.

She doesn't know for how long they sit there and watch the flirting seagulls but the sun is definitely setting.

She doesn't know where this will lead.

But if there is any way… if she'll have a chance… then for the world's sake she will not miss it.

---

Chapter 11 *Revelations*

The day was beyond tiring. She can't remember the last time she drank water to keep her body hydrated. That's probably why her head is aching slightly when she sinks down on her couch and a long sigh escapes her lunges.

Maybe the headache is also a result of concentrating too much. Shelby gave her so much work to do. Brittany barely ever took a real break to get some coffee in the past week.

Or… or the headache is simply because of worrying.

When she and Santana watched the flirting seagulls by the sea last week and held each other close – everything felt a little bit ok when it's not. Nothing's ok and she knows it. She can't expect Santana to go for it just because they are attracted to each other.

She's married to someone who seems to be a real nice guy. You don't just throw away a relationship you've had for three years. That's what Santana told her at the Café… she told her a little bit about Gabe and their marriage.

Santana seemed really insecure though. As if she didn't quite believe her own words when she said that the marriage started out great and loving.

Brittany doesn't want to allow herself to hope for too much. She can't hope that Santana will leave her husband.

The only thing she's allowed to hope is that Santana will not forget the firework that exploded inside both of them when they kissed. She knows Santana felt it, too…

Because when they said goodbye that evening, standing between their cars and wordlessly getting lost in each other's eyes, Santana had looked at her with such pleading eyes. Brittany had stepped close to the brunette and whispered into her ear.

'We'll figure it out…'

It's a week later and she still doesn't know what she was trying to say with those words. Because figuring it out would mean making sacrifices either way… she has no idea what Santana wants.

That's why they agreed to take some time. Brittany doesn't want Santana to rush into making decisions that she might regret later. There would only be three broken hearts and no happy ending.

They saw each other at the cafeteria every day but didn't sit together. What they did was throwing stolen glances between all the co-workers, hoping they would catch that glimpse of the other.

They sat next to each other during a conference though... Santana had been late a couple minutes and of course the only seat left was the one next to Brittany.

Brittany whispered to Santana what she had missed of the conference and the brunette smiled at her thankfully. They somehow managed to stay professional. Honestly, Brittany was just glad that they didn't avoid each other. Of course it was weird to sit next to each other at a round table for two long hours and the only thing they talked about was the October issue of the magazine.

At one point Santana asked her for an opinion on something and Brittany's cheeks were getting warm when their eyes locked above the papers lying between them. Also their knees bumped together under the table. Brittany mumbled a 'sorry' but the brunette only gazed at her.

And then yesterday they spoke on the office phone because Brittany needed to confirm an appointment for an interview with a pop singer as she had managed to arrange another get-together. The way Santana whispered 'bye' over the phone… as if she wasn't just saying goodbye but also many other things. All those things that Brittany was feeling, too.

Today their paths crossed in the hallway but Santana was with Quinn so they just said hi and smiled.

That smile… when did she become such a sap? That smile made her feel all seventeen again. Boom-boom her heart went and made her chuckle once the two had been out of sight.

Now here she is; lying on her couch, staring at the ceiling of her apartment thinking of Santana and that she already misses being around her. There is something about her… something really special. Something she has never seen in a person before. Pure and vulnerable. And well… a real good kisser.

She almost falls off the couch when there is a loud knock on the door. Puck…

He had texted her in the morning and asked if she was up for dinner and a movie. She answered that she was too exhausted but that he could come over so they could watch a movie.

She swings her legs over the edge of the couch and gets up on her feet to open the door.

"Mamacita!" He greets and lets his fist bump against hers.

"H'llo" She mumbles. Puck frowns.

"What's the matter? You look like you've had a shit day or something. But don't worry; Pucky Puck is here now to cheer you up if you know what I mean." He grins and motions to the sixpack beer in his one hand and Chinese take-out in the other.

Brittany smiles tiredly when she takes the food out of his hands so he can take off his jacket and come inside.

Once they have made themselves comfortable in front of the TV and both are munching on some spring rolls, Puck kicks her shin.

"Ow… what was that for, ass?" She growls before swallowing a big bite.

"You still haven't answered my question. What's wrong?" He replies without pulling his glance away from the TV.

"How do you wanna know something's wrong? I'm good."

"Because I've known you for seven years and know when something is bothering you? Come on… it's me Pucky. You can tell me anything."

"First of all; Pucky is a real turn-off, so stop calling yourself that. And second; I don't wanna talk about it" She mutters.

"So there is something. Why don't you want to talk about it?"

"Because it's hopeless."

"What?" He turns his head. Brittany can see his wondering glance from the corner of her eyes. It's not like she hasn't thought of telling Puck. If there is one person who understands trouble with the ladies, it's Puck…

But the thing with Santana is so vulnerable and secretive – she doesn't want to jinx it. But then again Puck is a real good friend. He knows how to keep a secret.

"Well considering the fact that you're gonna be here all Friday night and won't stop asking until I give in… I guess I can just save the energy and actually tell you." She mumbles and pokes in her box of noodles.

"I'm listening?"

"Ok… there is someone. I guess sort of."

She throws a quick glance to her side and already regrets it because Puck's eyes are about to pop out of his head. He actually looks like he just won the lottery or something as crazy as that.

"Get the fuck out!" He shouts and Brittany startles a little. "There is someone? Who is she? And why is she not lying in your bed receiving some sweet lady lovin' from you right now?"

"Oh God" Brittany groans because this is so typically Puck. But also it's making her turn red from head to toe because the imagination of that specific scene he just mentioned makes the food taste hotter than a minute ago. "It's not… that's not what it is, ok?"

"It's not what? You're not making sweet lady love to her?"

"Puck!"

"What?"

"Shut up!"

"Why? I wanna know!"

Brittany sits up on the couch and puts the food on the coffee table. She hides her face in her hands and shakes her head.

"Brittany – what the heck is going on? Who are you talking about and why are you being embarrassed?"

"I'm not embarrassed" She mumbles between her hands but knows she doesn't sound convinced.

"Then why did you just turn as red as a tomato?"

She sighs and slowly looks up. There's no chance in changing the subject. Once Puck suspects something, he's not to be tamed.

"Britt who were you talking about? You just said that you should save the energy and just tell me so… who the hell is she-"

"Okay okay! God… Ok, I guess there might be something going on between me and…" She hesitates. Puck raises his hands. "Me and Santana"

His eyes widen immediately and he actually drops one of his chopsticks.

"You're kidding, right? You're trying to piss me off or something because that's impossible."

"W-why is that impossible?"

"Uhm because she's married?" Bam… she had sort of hoped that Puck had forgotten about that little detail. "That's what youtold meremember? That night at the pool bar when I was trying to hit on her?"

"Which she found quite hilarious by the way" Brittany states because she can't resist.

"Come on, Britt, I'm serious. You told me I wouldn't stand a chance so what makes you think you do?"

Brittany swallows when she stares at her hands.

"Because… we kissed." She hears how Puck growls. She's pretty sure he's shaking his head and thinking something like 'Silly Brittany… so blind and naïve.'

"You kissed?" He wonders. Brittany nods slowly. "And then what? You hooked up? She told you she's bi-curious?"

"What? No! We just kissed… look, I know you probably think I'm just trying to get into her pants-"

"Frankly? Yes"

"But I'm not! I… that hasn't happened in quite a while and you know it. I've left that phase behind. I'm not trying to play with her." Her voice cracks. She bites her lip because she didn't think she'd get desperate. Puck studies her from the side and shrugs.

"Then what are you trying to reach? Even if you kissed… she's a married woman. What's there to get?"

Brittany closes her eyes because normally she would agree with Puck. If this was about one of those countless girls in her past, she would agree and forget about her.

But Santana…

"I'm not trying to reach anything" She mumbles with a weak shrug. "I know there is like zero chance because she has a husband and… but also I can't help but think there actually is a tiny chance that… that – that-"

"That what, Britt?" Puck asks softly. When she feels a hand on her shoulder, she almost bursts into tears. Where did that come from all of a sudden? The lump in her throat hurts so badly when she parts her lips.

"That she thinks the same about me" Puck seems to ponder about her words for a minute.

"What do you mean? What do you think about her?"

Brittany chuckles at what she's about to say because it makes her feel so childish.

"That she's the most special person I've ever met." Puck's hand squeezes her shoulder. She knows what he's about to say next.

"You're saying… even more than Diane?" He whispers and Brittany presses her eyelids together. This is exactly what she was always so scared of. This is why she never called back any woman who would have potentially been interested in more.

She was scared to find someone who would make her feel something. Because she didn't deserve to develop feelings or fall in love with someone else… it would have been so unfair. She always knew that she would have to move on once Diane wasn't there anymore and she has. But it still seems so endlessly unfair. Just not fair…

Hot tears are rolling down her cheeks. She shakes her head, trying to apologize but Puck is already pulling her into his arms. She buries her face in his chest and grabs his shirt because she feels like she's losing ground.

"Hey, it's ok" He whispers and wraps his arms tightly around her body. He kisses her forehead and she thinks he even wipes off some of her tears but she's too busy sobbing to really know. "Britt, don't cry. You don't have to feel guilty about that."

"But how can I have feelings for someone when Di had to go before we had the chance to fall out of love?" She asks with bitter tears. Puck softly strokes over her back.

"You two weren't left with a choice. There was no possible way that you could have stopped the inevitable and that is why it's ok. It's been two years…" How does Puck come up with the cheapest pick-up lines and tell the dirtiest jokes but always knows how to say such adult and rational things in situations like these?

"You think so?" She breathes and feels his head nodding.

"Yeah… it's a fact, Brittany. I know Santana is married and I should be mad at you but… I've never seen you having it this bad for someone ever since Diane. And that means it must be something really special."

The tears have stopped running. She's now breathing steadily with her head still resting on Puck's shoulder.

Maybe he's right… it doessound reasonable.

But then again why would she be as lucky and someone like Santana would really be interested in her? As in actually want to see if there is more? That's like… a whole lot of luck you need.

/

Santana's POV… the same day…

"I'm sorry I didn't make it home for dinner" Gabe apologizes once he steps out of the shower and wraps a towel around his waist. He steps next to me in front of the sink. Our eyes meet in the mirror. I cover my mouth to speak, as I am brushing my teeth.

"It's okay. I didn't cook today."

"Yeah but Friday is date night and I didn't make it…"

I spit and rinse my mouth before shrugging softly.

"It's not like you ever made it in the past six weeks" I comment when I put my toothbrush away. Gabe reaches for his.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asks and grabs the toothpaste.

"It means we haven't gone out in forever and you don't even know it."

He stops the movement of guiding the toothbrush to his mouth when my eyes bore into his in the mirror.

"Of course I know it" He says. There is regret in his voice. "You know how busy work is… it's always been that way."

"Is it even something you still want?" I ask with a shrug. "Date night? Because if Friday never seems to work out, then why didn't you ever suggest another day?"

Gabe presses his lips together when he puts his toothpaste down on the counter. He turns to the side and reaches for my wrist so I have to face him, too. His hand wanders up to my shoulder tentatively. He waits until we're making eye contact that lasts longer than a second.

"I have neglected you and I wish my work wouldn't ask so much of me. But this is something I can't change. Honey… I hope we can go on a date soon. I'll try to make time, ok?"

I force a smile and nod before turning around. I open a drawer under the sink and reach for the current package of my birth-control pill. I realize that I have forgotten to take one yesterday.

"Oops" I mumble and swallow down a pill with a sip of water from the faucet.

"What? Missed another?" Gabe asks with his mouth fool of toothpaste.

"Yeah… I already forgot one last week." I put the pills back into the drawer and stand on my toes to peck Gabe on the cheek. "I'm going to bed."

He nods and rinses his mouth with water.

"Okay. Will be there in a bit, just need to floss."

With a tired smile I turn around to leave the bathroom.

/

I'm cold in my underwear and t-shirt. Quickly I slip under the sheets and turn off the light on my side of the bed.

I'm trembling a little and pull the blanket up to my nose to warm up. I love it when the sheets are freshly washed. I always feel so light and comfortable.

It doesn't take long until I drift off with that scent in my nose so I don't hear how Gabe comes back from the bathroom. I only feel the mattress sink when he lies down. I snuggle into the pillow, ready to fall asleep when a hand reaches under my shirt and strokes my belly.

It's a shock to my system because it's been weeks that Gabe has touched me like this. I don't know why. I stiffen at the contact as it comes out of nowhere. When he scoots closer and spoons me from behind, I try to relax.

He starts kissing my neck so I cover his hand on my stomach because that's what you do when you're about to sleep with each other. You touch.

"I've missed you" He whispers as his hand slowly wanders up until it's cupping my left breast and he starts kneading it right away. Something inside me goes off like a siren. Everything in my head is turning like I'm on a carrousel.

Oh God no… this is not possible. Why am I feeling like this? My body feels like it turned into a wooden board or something.

He turns me onto my back and starts kissing my cheeks. I sense cold sweat forming on my forehead. How can this be? Why do I want him to stop touching me? Ten minutes ago I was complaining about the lack of date nights and now that he's trying make us become closer again, I stiffen like a Barbie doll.

He pushes up my shirt until my bare chest is revealed. I shiver because it's still so cold.

"Gabe…" I whisper and swallow the lump when his hand wanders down from my chest to the waistband of my underwear. "Gabe I'm tired"

Through the material of his boxer shorts I can feel his erection against my thigh and when his hand dips into my underwear, I grip his wrist to stop him.

"Why sweetheart?" He breathes. His palm rests somewhere between fabric and skin. "We haven't done it since before I went to Kenya… are you really tired?"

I'm panting but not because I'm turned on. My fingers are still clutching his wrist when I try to breathe normally.

"I know but… you saw I forgot to take the pill yesterday. We can't have sex now." It's simple. It's logic. But not the reason. I'm pretty sure Gabe still has a pack of condoms in the drawer of his bedside table since before I started going on birth control.

"Maybe we still could" He whispers after a while. I knit my eyebrows together because I don't get it. "I mean… why not?"

"Didn't you hear what I just said? I forgot to take the pill. You're the doctor, you know that means it can get you pregnant, right?"

"Exactly"

I'm pretty sure all the color has left my face. I'm glad no one can see in the dark. My heart is pounding in my chest and my throat feels as dry as styrofoam. The silence in our bedroom nearly suffocates me.

"Honey?" His voice penetrates the silence. I'm not sure if I have just passed out or something.

"Gabe…"

"Why not, Santana?" He pulls his hand out of my underwear. I quickly grab the hem of my shirt to cover my exposed body. He scoots back and I close my eyes for a minute. I can't believe we're going to talk about this.

Actually it was only a matter of time when this would come up. But I'm not even close to ready for that.

"Seriously… maybe we could actually think about starting a family." I turn my head. When I can't see his face, I have to sit up and turn on the lights.

We both narrow our eyes at the intrusion.

"Start a family?" I ask and slowly shake my head. "Gabe this comes out of nowhere."

He props himself on his elbow and tilts his head.

"Does it? Soon we'll be married for two years. Wouldn't the next step be starting a family?"

"Maybe but… I'm twenty-three and an intern. Don't you think this is a little early?" I stare at him. He shrugs and parts his lips after a short while.

"But I'mnot twenty-three anymore. Actually I've been thinking about this a lot in the past couple weeks."

"You're serious?" I gasp. Gabe nods.

"Why not? I'm at a point where I haveto think about this and decide what I still want to reach in life. I don't want to become a father at the age of fifty-fife and not make it to my kid's college graduation."

I stare at him. I'm pretty sure horror is written across my face.

"And I don't want become a mother at the age of twenty-four and give up my career so early, only to realize that I'm suffering from serious depression once I'm fourty!"

Gabe bites his lip. Even though I win our staring contest, this feels like I am losing way bigger.

Tonight will not end like the nights used to end until yesterday. I already know this much.

I try to calm down my nerves because Gabe looks like a world is falling apart.

"We've only talked about having kids once or twice before we got married. It's your right to want a family but it's my right to not be ready for that right now."

Gabe looks back and forth between my eyes and his hands and shrugs softly.

"Will you ever be ready?"

"Gabe…"

"I'm serious. Will you ever want kids with me, Santana?" I swallow because I don't know what to say. This seems like an impossible question to answer right now when it's actually so simple. Every wife should know if she wants to have children with her husband, right? It's something so natural – why am I having such a hard time?

"I… I don't know." I stammer. The lump in my throat swells again. Gabe sits up on the mattress and scratches his forehead.

"And you didn't think it would have been fair to tell me that before we got married?" He asks.

"When you and I got married, I was very happy and I could picture starting a family with you – one day" I admit but my voice is weak.

Gabe looks up with his forehead in deep frowns.

"You were happy?" He asks confusedly. I am confused, too.

"What?"

"You just said that you were happy… are you not anymore?"

I have asked myself this question over and over again. Secretly. Hoping that Gabe would never wonder. I'm scared to death about answering that question but this is where I have to be honest.

"Gabe… can you look me in the eye and say that you have been happy? In the past weeks? Months even?"

"Tana I…"

"Because I think we both have been so busy with work and life next to our relationship, that we didn't even realize how much our marriage has turned into this state of something between lovers and friends. I don't even remember the last time we did things like cuddling in front of the TV. We come home and leave for work at different times of the day. We have different ideas of what's to come in the near future. So no… I'm not happy anymore."

Gabe nods slowly with bitterness written all over his face.

"I can't believe that a month ago I was in a working marriage and now we're suddenly talking about our future not working out? I mean… those things can't just happen overnight, Santana! Do you really want to throw it all away?"

We stare at each other for some silent seconds. I keep shaking my head.

"Gabe, one month ago our marriage worked perfectly fine because we never talked about those things. It doesn't mean that these problems weren't there – we just didn't realize they were about to come to the surface. How can you think I want to throw it all away? That's not even possible. You can't throw away a marriage."

I scoot closer on the mattress so we can look into each other's eyes.

"But it doesn't change the fact that we don't want the same things to happen." I whisper. Gabe studies me for a couple seconds.

"So we're actually thinking about splitting up? Like… seriously?" He asks puzzled.

"I… I'm just as overwhelmed as you right now. I don't know what to say to you."

"But you can say if you want to work things out or if you don't want to work on them, Santana."

I sigh frustrated because this is going nowhere but down.

"I don't think this is something we can work on. I won't change my mind about starting a family in the next two or three years. We should have talked about this way sooner and I'm sorry we didn't!"

Gabe gets up from the bed and takes a couple steps. Then he turns to look at me with his hands on his hips.

"Great… this is really great, Santana! Now what? What am I supposed to tell my parents? What are your parents gonna say?"

"I don't have the nerve to think about my parents right now. So please… I don't know what's gonna happen next." I mumble frustratedly. I watch how Gabe shakes his head and grabs a pair of blue jeans. He puts them on hastily and ten seconds later he's fully dressed.

"Where are you going?" I ask eventually. My eyes follow him until he's standing by the door.

"I'm staying at Roger's tonight. Because I really don't think we're gonna kiss and make up, are we?" His voice is so much weaker than before. I swallow.

"No" I shake my head and with one last glance, Gabe is out the door. I press my palms to my face and try to get a clear thought.

My heart hammers in my chest. My mind is blank.

Just… blank.

/

Brittany…an hour later…

Puck has left ten minutes ago and she's cleaning up the living room because somehow he always leaves the biggest mess.

She puts her beer into the fridge as she only had a couple sips. When she reaches out to turn off the light in the living room, there is a soft knock on the door.

Her glance scans the couch because what is it that Puck forgot? There's nothing, she has cleaned up everything.

Is he too drunk to call a cab? He only had two beers… With a big frown she scuffs across the living room and opens the door, ready to give him a fake-annoyed look.

But when she sees that there is no big guy with a Mohawk standing out there but a slim, dark haired beauty – she's speechless. The only thing that leaves her lips is a breath.

"Santana" She says eventually. Her eyes land on Santana's chin as it's trembling. When she inspects her face any further, she can tell that the woman is completely broken.

"Santana" She repeats and forces the woman to look up into her eyes. "What happened?"

Santana shrugs. That's all she does.

Brittany knows that you don't need to be a genius to know that the brunette will burst into tears if she opens her mouth in order to answer something. After her own crying fit at Puck's shoulder she has seen enough tears for the day. She doesn't want her to cry. Ever.

She steps outside and in front of Santana. She cups her face with both her hands, waits until the brunette closes her eyes and then presses their lips together for one single kiss.

Just for a warm second. And just to show her… that no matter why Santana is here – she doesn't want her to leave.

---

Chapter 12 *Weights*

She can't believe she's in bed holding Santana in her arms.

But since the body right in front of her is shaking with sobs, Brittany knows she's not dreaming it. Her arm is wrapped around a slender waist and her hand gets pressed into a heaving chest. Their fingers are intertwined in front of Santana's body. With a kiss to her shoulder, Brittany silently promises to protect her all night.

When Santana had knocked on her door twenty minutes ago, Brittany had a feeling that something must have happened with Gabe. And she was right. With a weak voice Santana tried to explain that they had a fight and that everything was different now.

Brittany didn't know exactly what it meant but she asked if Santana wanted to stay the night or if she needed a ride or anything.

'I don't want to bother you. I'm sure you have somewhere to be' Santana had mumbled and made Brittany chuckle.

'No… I cancelled all the appointments for the night' She answered softly and that's everything they needed to know. She guided Santana into the bedroom because the couch was definitely not an option anymore and gave her something comfortable to wear.

They stood back-to-back when they got changed and then Brittany turned off the lights. There was only a shimmer of blue light from the screen of her stereo, so they found the way into Brittany's bed.

As soon as Santana had pulled the covers up to her shoulders, she burst into tears and tried to muffle those heartbreaking sobs. Brittany told her to not hold back and so she cried. Brittany moved over and wrapped her arm around Santana's body without asking.

Seconds later the woman in front of her grabbed her hand, desperately holding on to it and pressing it to her aching chest.

And that's where they are now. Santana's back is connected to Brittany's front from shoulder to knee. They could as well be one.

With a soft kiss to the shoulder right in front of her, Brittany tries to convey comfort. The thick tears on Santana's cheeks are making her insides feel heavy, too.

Her lips stay connected to the tanned skin and she feels Santana's body relax. The sobs soften into breaths and the desperate grip around her fingers eventually turns into a warm grasp.

"He started talking about wanting kids" Santana whispers after a long while. Brittany opens her eyes. Although she can't see Santana's face, she doesn't want to miss anything. "He suggested we start a family. I didn't know what to say so he asked if I'd ever want children with him."

Brittany squeezes Santana's hand to encourage her. This is obviously a sensitive topic and she wants Santana to keep talking if she feels like it.

"I didn't even have to think long…" She mumbles guiltily and shakes her head. "I don't want it. I don't know who I was trying to fool when I told myself that maybe we'd have kids one day and become this adorable picture book family. The big house, the money, the proud grandparents… a dog and two or three toddlers."

She hisses. Brittany decides to just listen.

"That's what everyone around us was expecting. I just kept thinking to myself: 'Yeah, yeah… one day…' But secretly I was hoping that Gabe would just forget and we'd never have to talk about it. Which makes me sound like some sort of psycho or something" She states bitterly. Brittany instinctively shakes her head and pulls her even closer.

"I made a complete fool out of myself" Santana whispers "a fool of both of us."

"But you did what you had to do, right?" Brittany dares to speak up. "You would have made a fool of yourself if you had kept going on like this. Only to wake up one day and realize you're living a life you don't want."

Santana seems to be thinking about those words. Her shoulder shrugs softly.

"Probably… but I still feel like a monster. I don't know why I keep hurting people."

Brittany wonders.

"What do you mean? Who else did you hurt?" Santana sighs and mumbles an unintelligible response. "What was that?"

"I said you…"

Brittany knits her eyebrows together and peeks over Santana's shoulder.

"How did you hurt me?" She asks.

"By hitting you with my car? See… You don't even remember. I must have damaged your brain forever." She mumbles crestfallen. Brittany has to press her lips together to suppress a laugh.

"Santana… why do you keep coming up with the accident? I'm fine, right? In case you don't know – I have forgiven you."

"Well… you sure held a grudge against me for quite a while there."

Brittany chuckles and rolls her eyes.

"Hey" She whispers and waits until Santana turns her head to listen.

"What?"

"I'm sorry I was a bitch to you…" She lifts her head so she can press her lips to Santana's cheek. It makes her heart flutter because her cheek is so soft. So far she has only paid attention to those glorious lips but her cheeks are just as sweet.

"Well then… I'm glad we talked about that" Santana says softly. Brittany believes to hear a smile in her voice. They stay like this for long minutes where Brittany just holds her tight and breathes in the scent of her hair and her skin, finding it the most natural scent she's ever smelled.

After a while Brittany isn't sure if the woman lying in her arms is still awake.

"Santana?" She whispers and hears a muffled noise in response. "I don't know what your plans are but you don't have to leave in the morning if you don't want to. Whatever you wanna do… I'm sure Superman wouldn't mind if you stayed another night until you know what comes next."

She feels a thankful squeeze around her fingers and then her eyelids become heavy.

/

The next morning… Santana's POV…

I wake up to the scent of coffee. My stomach grumbles when I turn onto my back. All I had for dinner last night was some lousy crackers and a glass of orange juice. Gabe had called to say he wouldn't make it for dinner so I didn't bother cooking something.

The memories of last night wash over me and if I wanted to, I could cry again easily.

Gabe said that things can't just change like that over night but they did… I have no idea what's going to happen with my life now. Are we going to get a divorce? Should we try again?

No…

Because no matter how shattered my personal earth feels right now – this was the right thing to do. I could have prevented the events of last night if I had really wanted to. I could have said 'yes' when Gabe asked me if I'll ever be ready to start a family. I could have said yes and reassure him that between us everything was still going smooth. Could have kissed him and pretend to be happy.

I could have pretended to not be thinking about someone else when falling asleep in the same bed with him.

But what would that have given us? Another night of believing that things were actually okay. Not marvelous. But okay. Is that the goal of marriage?

Everything is falling apart… and I'm not going to stop it. Because in the past couple weeks, one question has been haunting me everywhere.

Am I happy?

I didn't tell anybody about those thoughts. I tried to avoid Quinn's questions whenever she asked if everything was alright between me and Gabe. But I thought about it again and again, collecting all those tiny puzzle pieces to realize that I'm not happy.

Truth is… there was a moment in the past couple weeks where I felt happiness floating my body. But it had nothing to do with Gabe.

I was sitting on a bench and watching birds. That was the first time in months where I had felt as light as a feather and also safe. In the arms of a woman I met not even two months ago.

My world gets turned upside down and there is nothing I can do but let it happen. I know it's selfish but otherwise I'll never get the chance to be truly happy.

When I hear a noise from outside the bedroom, I sit up in bed. The sunlight is now floating the room and a tired smile crawls over my lips when I see that I slept on a Superman pillow. There is the noise again that must come from the kitchen. The scent of coffee makes me climb out of bed. Brittany must have gotten up a while ago.

I don't bother changing back into my clothes because my limbs are too weak. When I step out into the living room, I find Brittany standing on a chair in the kitchen. She's obviously trying to reach something in the top cupboard and growls frustratedly.

She's barefoot and also still in her sleeping clothes which are shorts and a tank top. Her hair is in a messy bun. I wonder what she's looking for.

"Hi" I speak softly not to startle her. She stops her movement and turns her head.

"Hey…" She says with a smile and then points to the cupboard. "I could swear I had a box of cereals left but can't seem to find it. Puck ate pretty much everything when he came over last night. You'd think he's full after a nice Chinese take-out but two hours later he started ransacking my fridge and well… ate pretty much everything except for some leek and cucumber. But I don't think that's what you want for breakfast."

She hops down from the chair and points to two cups on her small kitchen table.

"Want some coffee?"

I nod and sit down on a chair. She opens the fridge and hands me a bottle of milk. Then she grabs the coffeepot and pours some in both mugs. "It's probably a stupid question but how… how are you holding up?"

She gives me a worried look.

"Honestly it's hard to put into words." I admit. Brittany sits down in front of me and takes one of the mugs.

"I can only imagine."

It's weird… I'm supposed to be devastated. A part of me is. But the way Brittany looks at me and I get a little lost in her crystal blue eyes… it's hard not to feel a tiny bit lighter at heart.

"So, I have nothing left for breakfast but I'm starving. There's a supermarket right around the corner. Wanna do crazy-hungry-groceries?" She laughs when I probably look quite puzzled.

"What's crazy-hungry-groceries?" I ask with a smirk.

"You've never done crazy-hungry-groceries? That's when you do the groceries because there is nothing left in the fridge. And when there's nothing left, you're probably crazy hungry right? So when you walk through a supermarket with your stomach grumbling, you buy all the crap that you usually wouldn't buy because you feel like you could eat a whole cow. And when you get home there isn't enough space in the fridge… Puck and I do it all the time."

A laugh escapes my lips. I take a sip of coffee.

"But if you're too tired then I'll quickly go alone and you can stay here. You just have to tell me how you like it in bed." I almost choke on my coffee. Her eyes widen in shock. I think she turns pale and red at the same time if that's even possible.

"That's not what I meant to say. That totally came out wrong. God I'm so ridiculous! What I meant to say was that you can stay in bed and you just tell me what you like. You know, for breakfast. I'm sorry…" she stutters. I can tell she's so embarrassed.

I on the other hand want to burst into laughter. But the heat crawling over my cheeks keeps me from doing so.

"Uh well" I try to form a sentence and point to her empty fridge. "Yeah! Let's do crazy-hungry shopping. Sounds like fun. I guess I could use some attraction."

She blinks at me several times in slight confusion.

"You mean distraction?" She asks.

"Yeah, what did I say?"

Brittany scratches her forehead. The corner of her mouth twitches.

"Never mind. Shall we say in ten minutes? We get changed and then we can go to the supermarket."

I nod slowly because I'm not really listening – did I just say 'attraction'?

When I get up to return to the bedroom I close my eyes and cup my cheeks with my palms.

Wow…

/

I study the different kinds of flour and can't decide which one to choose. Brittany just went somewhere else to get eggs and milk as we decided to make pancakes.

I try not to think too hard about the fact that Brittany and I are doing groceries together, the morning after Gabe and I came to terms that our marriage doesn't have a future.

This is crazy… but I can't think of anything that would feel better right now than doing something so normal. Groceries – not alone.

I don't think I ever went to buy food with someone else. Maybe when I was a kid and I joined my mom. But nobody has ever joined me now that I'm an adult. Gabe would never do that… just because there is no time for such things.

I grab two different packs of flour and compare them. Maybe Brittany's allergic to something?

"Did you find it?" Her voice sounds from behind me. Her breath tickles my ear when she looks over my shoulder and I hold up the two different kinds of flour.

"Yeah. Which one do you usually take?" I ask and turn my head to the side. I observe how her eyes switch back and forth between the two options. I realize that I'm sort of being sandwiched between her and our shopping cart.

"That one" She says softly and reaches for the one in my right hand. Her fingers land on mine. Our eyes meet and when we're both still holding on to the flour, a smile forms on both our lips.

"Thank you for taking me in last night" I say and really mean it. She could have said that it's not a good idea or that I should sleep on the couch. But she didn't even hesitate…

Instead she kissed me. It wasn't like the other kisses we've shared before. It was just a simple gesture that made me think it was ok to stay with her. And then she held me in her arms and let me cry. She held me until I fell asleep. Why is she so good to me? Technically she should think of me as a horrible person because of what I did behind my husband's back.

"You're welcome" She says. I melt when her nose gives my cheek a soft nudge. Seriously, what was that? But before I can fully understand how much that gesture just affected me, she has already grabbed the pack of flour out of my hand and lets it sink into the shopping cart.

"What else do we need? You like maple syrup?" She asks and points to a shelf across the aisle. Still baffled about that soft side of hers, I watch her making her way to the maple syrup. I have to clear my throat because it feels really dry. When I regain my composure, I push the cart in front of me and follow her to get whatever ingredient she thinks we'll need.

/

It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon when I can't push it out of my way any longer. I was trying to ignore the fact that I'll have to head back home sooner or later but there's no way around it.

Gabe probably wonders where I am. Maybe he isn't home, either but I know I have to go home and that we'll need to talk. What's gonna happen next? Is it over for good between us? Will I have to move out? It's his apartment after all… well, it's ours. But he's the one who pays so it would only be fair if I left. Where am I going to stay? Or should we both stay there for now until we know for sure how things are going to be?

How am I supposed to know these things? I have never been in a situation like this. I don't know what it's like to separate. Are we going to be fine? Because I can't say that there is nothing left between us. Is it possible that you love each other but you don't want to grow old together?

That's exactly how I feel. He's my husband and my feelings were honest. But Gabe is not… he's not the one. And that means I can't truly be the one for him, either.

"Brittany?" I speak up when I shake away my thoughts. We've been sitting on her tiny balcony, both working on something. She gave me one of her laptops – she's has like four - so I could check my mail. There were the usual messages from Shelby, telling me what she plans to do on Monday and where she needs my help. I decided to write down some notes and keep my mind off the fact that I'll need to return to my apartment.

Brittany looks up from the laptop on her knees. She narrows her eyes when the sun hits her face.

"Yeah?"

"I uh… I have to go home. I didn't tell Gabe where I went last night and we still need to clear what's going to happen next. I don't even know if that's possible. But I have to go back and take care of things."

Brittany nods and gives me the smile that I so desperately hoped to see. I don't want her to think I only used her for some consoling last night. I could have showed up at Quinn's if that was what I had wanted. I wanted to see Brittany. And frankly I'd rather stay here if I could choose.

But I need to 'man up' if I want to make at least one thing right and not just disappear without another word. That's not what I want.

"If… if you need a place to go then you can come back. No pressure or anything. I would sleep on the couch and you could have my bed but… you can always come back" Brittany says with a soft shrug when we say goodbye at her door twenty minutes later. I don't know how to thank her.

What I do is reach out and tug at the hem of her sweatshirt. I want to hug her. Or kiss her like she kissed me last night. A thank you kiss.

But this doesn't feel quite right. I want to kiss her but even more than that I want it to be fair. To everyone.

"Thank you. You deserve a puppy or something…" I mumble lost in thoughts when I still fumble on the hem of her shirt. Her soft chuckle snaps me back.

I manage to give her a smile and with my eyes I try to tell her all the things I can't say right now. You have no idea how much I want to be near you. Like all the time…

I can only hope she somehow decodes the unspoken words and that she knows.

Then she opens the door and lets me go.

/

Gabe is sitting on the couch when I step into our apartment. I'm a little surprised. I know it's his day off but I imagined that he still went to the practice.

"Hi" I whisper. Gabe turns off the TV. He looks up and after a while where we just gaze at each other wordlessly, he smiles softly.

"Are you ok?" He asks. I can see him swallowing thickly. I shrug because I'm not really ok… Instead of answering, I walk over and sit down in the chair next to the couch.

"What's gonna happen now?" I ask weakly because now that he's sitting in front of me, I feel very small and lost. He takes a deep breath and lets his hand run through his hair. Then he looks at me.

"Santana you were right…" He begins. I hold my breath. "Everything seemed to be working great because we never took a closer look at what was really going on. At first I didn't want to believe it when you mentioned it last night. You said that these problems have been there long before and they just never came to the surface. I thought you were making that up but then I realized… it's true."

It's hard to breathe but at the same time a knot inside my chest starts to loosen.

"I was always so busy with work and let's be honest – I always will be. I don't know why I never considered that my plans for the future could be different from yours. I just assumed… I assumed it would be clear. You know the revelations of last night were like a punch to the face because they literally came out of nowhere. But that's because we didn't pay enough attention to each other in the past couple months. We could have seen it coming and that's what makes me feel like we really failed."

I close my eyes for a second and nod. We did fail… To say we learn from mistakes, would sound really cheap so I just think it to myself. I don't think our marriage was a mistake. Because at that time it felt like the thing I wanted. I just didn't know it wouldn't last. If you think about it… it's really simple. Painful to realize but simple.

"I never meant for us to hurt each other" I say after a while. "I didn't know this would happen when we got married. All the times I said that I love you – I meant it. I need you to know that I meant it."

"Santana…" He stops me softly and gives me a pleading look. "I know that… I still love you. But let's not say those bittersweet things. We need to do this right."

I bite my lip with a nod. I lean back in my chair and a heavy sigh leaves my lungs. We sit like that for a long time, some words get exchanged, a bitter smile then and there.

/

"We'll have to tell our parents soon. But I don't think we have to deal with it today or tomorrow." I say when I stand next to the door with a heavy bag hanging on my right shoulder.

"I know" Gabe says from where he's sitting at the dining table.

Those are the last words we say to each other before I leave our apartment. There will be reasons to come back… but I close the door behind me, knowing that I won't come back to live here ever again.

It's the weirdest and a painful feeling. It pushes me to take one step after the other, further away from him and into an unknown life.

/

I did think about calling Quinn. I even thought about calling Mercedes, my college best friend. She lives further away now and I haven't seen her since graduation, we only talk on the phone sometimes. I can't just go up there and tell her I need a place to stay. It would take too long to get there anyway.

I think Quinn would give me shelter but then again I haven't warned her and I don't want to tell the whole story all over again. My parents are pretty much the last people on earth I would want to be around right now. My brother Ricky and his wife would definitely take me in but that would mean just the same; explanations. I don't have the energy.

I only consider all these options because I need to clear my conscience as I've known all along that I want to go back to where I woke up this morning.

That's also why I've been standing in front of Brittany's apartment for the past five minutes. Once I manage to knock on her door, I wait impatiently. Please let her be here. She must be home. She must…

When the door opens and Brittany greets me with the most beautiful smile I've ever seen, my heart finally shows a sign of life and jumps against my ribs.

"You're here." She whispers. I nod.

"I am"

Just like the night before, she steps over the door sill and in front of me. She reaches for the bag on my shoulder and takes it on hers, causing an incredible weight being lifted off me.

/

For the second time today we eat something we've cooked together. Well… it's just lasagna we had to put into the oven but it tastes like the best lasagna I've ever had.

We are seated on her couch with the plates on our knees and our eyes directed to the TV. I've never watched American Idol before and I didn't think I'd like it this much. You just listen and don't have to concentrate too much; just what I need right now.

"Ooh she totally screwed up that high note." Brittany comments. I nod with my mouth full.

"But she's still gonna make it to the next round. The audience loves her."

"Mhm… do you want some more lasagna? There's some left in the kitchen" She asks when I put my empty plate on the small table.

"I'm good. It was delicious." She grins and places her plate next to mine.

"How about ice cream? Puck totally didn't find that one last night."

"I'm full! But maybe later." I exhale and lean back on the couch. Brittany does the same and when her hand brushes against mine, we both turn our heads to the side.

We smile tiredly. I don't know how I deserve to be here. I deserve to live in a cheap hotel and take care of myself. But here she is… giving me a reason to smile.

When she let me in two hours ago, she didn't ask many questions. I still told her that Gabe and I will need to figure out how to be in each other's lives and how to tell our parents but that we agreed to split up.

I don't know what she was thinking when I told her while we were sitting at her kitchen table. She just listened to me with her head supporting in her hand.

And then we talked about other things. About this pop singer that she could arrange another interview with, about Shelby, about the Sylvester magazine, about people, about TV shows… and then we made lasagna and sat in front of the TV.

"If you wanna go to bed or have a shower just let me know, yeah? I'll make myself comfortable on the couch and give you some space. Whatever you need." She says softly.

I frown and can't hide a smirk.

"Make yourself comfortable? On that couch? That's not possible. I mean… your bed is big enough for two."

"But wouldn't you feel uncomfortable?"

"Why?" I ask suddenly timid and glance at her from the side.

"Because… I don't know." She bites on her top lip. We both steer our glances back to the TV.

I try to focus on the current singer on stage but it's hard. My thoughts are spinning.

"Are you ok?" Brittany asks after a while. The back of her hand brushes against mine.

"Oh… actually I don't know." I admit and look at her. "I'm just having a hard time grasping what everything means, you know? I'm feeling a little… loose."

Brittany's eyebrows knit together. She turns the volume a little lower.

"Loose? Like how?"

"Like… Like I'm disconnected or something. I don't know how to describe it. Sort of uprooted or something like that."

She takes her time to reply this time and when her lips part, she carefully wraps her pinky around mine.

"Uprooted?" She asks with the same voice just she asked 'loose?'

I nod because I don't know how to describe it better.

"I guess it doesn't make sense. It feels like I'm floating. I just want to feel like something keeps me down. I'm sorry, this sounds weird." I apologize and my glance drops to our connected pinkies. I don't think I've ever held someone like that.

"Hm" Brittany mumbles and squeezes my finger in hers. "Would it help if I – if I held you for a while?"

Our eyes lock. I my mouth opens but nothing comes out. We just stare at each other for long seconds. I swallow before nodding my head.

She shuffles and grabs a pillow that fell to the floor. She leans over me and positions it behind me on the couch.

"Lie down" She whispers and my heart makes the weirdest jumps at those words. I obey nevertheless and let go of her pinky in order to sink back into the cushion until I'm lying on my back.

Brittany gets up on her knees and pats my legs to show me I should position them in front of her. I have no idea what she's up to because she said she would hold me.

Once my body is fully spread across the length of the couch, Brittany parts my legs and scoots between them. My heart starts racing when I watch how she hovers over me, slowly sinking down until her body settles on top of mine. Her weight presses into me. I let out a shaky breath because I wasn't expecting that.

She props herself on her elbows above my shoulders and some blonde strays fall on my neck. I bend my knees on both sides of her waist to make some space. It takes my breath away when her pelvis presses into mine like that. The light of the TV flickers in her eyes when I look up and I get lost in them so deep. My hands have automatically placed themselves on the small of her back. I have to resist the urge to pull her even closer to me. I'm overwhelmed by her body so close to mine. I have to close my eyes.

"Is this ok?" She whispers with a huskier voice than before. I feel her breath hitting my cheek. I nod and open my eyes again. "You still feel like you're floating?"

"No" I breathe and hum when Brittany's thumb strokes over my cheek.

"Good" She smiles.

"Is this what you call 'holding someone'?" I mutter when my eyes wander over her face. She chuckles and causes sweet vibrations between our bodies.

"Yeah well… you said you felt like you're floating. I wanted to make sure you don't float away" I smile up at her. She rests her chin against her palm.

The TV plays some silly commercials and I have long forgotten what we were watching anyways. It's because those blue eyes roam from my forehead to my chin and then lock with mine so naturally.

"You have really nice skin" Brittany whispers when her thumb strokes the skin under my eye. I exhale a soft laugh because that's a funny thing to say. Funny and also sweet.

"Thanks"

"Do you use a special product?"

"Uhm… just some lotion. Aloe Vera"

Brittany hums. I close my eyes when her face comes closer to mine. Her nose brushes against my cheek and when her lips ghost over my jaw, a low moan leaves my lips. I really couldn't hold it back and I'm embarrassed. She didn't even kiss me.

Her motion stops and she pulls back. When I open my eyes and look at her, I'm pretty sure to detect a pink shade on her cheeks.

Brittany clears her throat and throws a glance at the TV. I follow her eyes and we get to see the very end of the show we were watching. Oh right… Idol.

"It's uh… it's getting really late. Do you wanna head to bed?" She asks and I lack words. Did I do something wrong? Maybe my breath smells like lasagna or something?

"Okay" I mumble. Brittany quickly climbs off me. I sit up and let my hands run through my hair. God why is it so hot in here?

"I'll uhm… I'll jump under the shower real quick and… really need to wash my hair. But you can just go to bed or have some ice cream or… I want you to feel comfortable, so I'll sleep on the couch." She states. She gets up and I frown when she cups her cheeks with her hands.

"Do you need anything else? Clothes? No, you brought your own, right? Well if there's anything else, let me know or just take it, ok? Ok…"

She smiles at me with a shaky breath and then she crosses the living room to disappear behind the bathroom door a couple seconds later.

I narrow my eyes because now I'm totally confused. I already told her that we both could sleep in her bed but it sounds like she actually wouldn't feel comfortable. And the way she just jumped off me like she got stung by a bee?

The whole no more floating thing had felt really nice to me…

/

I don't know for how long I've been tossing and turning in bed. I'm either too hot and push the covers off me or I'm too cold and tremble under the blankets until I'm too hot again.

Why did Brittany want to sleep on the couch so badly? It had been her idea to lie on top of me after all. Was she turned on or something?

Oh…

The color on her cheeks was quite red. Well… it's not like it left me completely cold, either. Maybe we should talk in the morning? I should apologize. But that would make it even weirder.

If she doesn't say anything, then I'll keep my mouth shut, too.

Sleep... release me, please.